CHAMPIONSHIP SUNDAY!

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As if last weekends playoff games weren’t exciting enough (276 combined points, Peyton Manning going all Peyton Manning, “Gonk” busting his forearm, again [bro, don’t be scared to mix in a glass of milk every once in a while] and the incredible finish to the Seahawks-Falcons game) we had one of the most bizarre sporting “news” weeks in recent memory.

For most weeks, the LieStrong Story would be more than enough fodder to keep radio talking heads and Sportcenter happily busy.  But this wasn’t exactly your “typical” week.  Enter Manti Te’o and his dead girlfriend that didn’t exist.  Or wait, maybe she faked her own death because she was alluding drug dealers?  And how exactly did this Tuiasosopo character (are we even sure he exists? Seriously) apologize via twitter last week when his account was closed two weeks ago?!  Blah.  The Machine (while we are enjoying every twist and turn to this “real” life WWE story) are in some desperate need of ACTUAL, REAL football.  How refreshing.

There are only 3 games left on the schedule (until our undivided attention goes into Draft-mode), and Championship Sunday promises to live up to its billing, as any of the four remaining teams could win it all.  We’ve studied the tape, waded through the storylines, and dissected the stats to bring you todays winners.  Let’s get into it:

San Francisco (-4.5) @ Atlanta

Do you know the last time a Number 1 seed, hosting the Conference Championship was a 4-point underdog?!  You have to go back to the 1978 Dallas Cowboys, who were 4-point dogs and went on to beat the Rams (then of Los Angeles) 28-0….the ‘boys also won the Superbowl that year for what its worth.  Is The Machine saying that the Falcons are going to win the Superbowl this year?!  Ehhh, not so fast.  We actually love the Niners in this one, but have to be very cautious with this line.  The Falcons have struggled mightily against QBs running the spread option this year (yielding a whopping 700 combined yards to Cam Newton in two games this year and barely hanging on against Russ Wilson last week).  Mike Nolan’s defense will play games pre-snap to try to confuse (and predetermine) Kaepernicks reads.  However, handling his athleticism after the snap is a different story.  Even if the falcons can limit Kaepernick on the ground, they have to contend with SF’s beastly offensive line (featuring 3 former first round draft picks) and their stable of running backs.  Kaepernick also has just enough weapons in the passing game (Crabtree, Moss, Davis, Walker) to keep the defense honest.  We just don’t think Atlanta’s defense matches up well against the Niners.

Atlanta’s strength is their offense, particularly their passing attack.  They can stretch a defense vertically with Julio Jones, beat them on intermediate routes with Roddy White and kill them in the redzone with Tony Gonzalez.  They usually get enough production from Michael Turner (on 1st and 2nd down) and JacQuizz Rodgers (on 3rd) to maintain a rushing attack.  If the offense can protect Matt Ryan, Julio Jones could have a big day.  He presents that matchup problems for SFs secondary.  However, they will have their hands full with the Niners front seven.

The Falcons wore down against a Seahawks team that plays a similar style of football to the Niners.  The Niners will impose their will late in the game and Kyle Williams won’t muff any punts (guaranteed! – hell, I like his chances of taking one to the house!).

The 49ers will be Kapernicking their way to New Orleans: SF 34 ATL 28

Baltimore @ New England (-8)

Rematch!  We are looking forward to a very chippy encounter between these two teams that have some bad blood between them.  Last year Joe Flacco outplayed Tom Brady outright.  Flacco was orchestrating a game winning drive when he hit Lee Evans in the corner of the endzone…..only to have the ball dropped.  If Evans makes that catch the Ravens probably lose the Super Bowl to the Giants last year.  Regardless, the Ravens trotted out Billy Cundiff (pronounced ‘CUNT-iff’ in the greater Baltimore area) for a chip shot 32-yard field goal to send the game into overtime.  Yeah, they missed that too.  Their season ended in Foxboro on a bullshit dropped pass and an ugly field goal attempt.  It should come as no surprise that Lee Evans and Billy Cundiff were cut in the offseason.  The Ravens have pieced together another solid run  this year, and find themselves travelling back to Foxboro, one win away from the Super Bowl, again.

Bill Belichick always seems to be one-step ahead of the rest of the league.  While most teams roll out some no-huddle series and packages, the Patriots feature it.  They have run more offense snaps than any other team this year and average the least amount time between snaps.  Their no-huddle hurry-up offense is ridiculously effective in the redzone (defense winded near tail end of drives + hardest place on the field to substitute + hardest place on the field to communicate) and on short yardage situations.  Tom Brady quick snaps on a QB keeper on 3rd-and-1 and 4th-and-1 more than any other QB in the league and he is more effective than 70% of the “short yardage” running backs.  Their tempo is going to be very difficult on an aging Baltimore defense that hasn’t really been themselves this year.  Look up their defensive numbers, it’s not pretty.

Ray-Ray will surely have his squad fired-up for this afternoons affair, but the it won’t matter, the Patriots will pass, run and score at will.  However, Flacco and Rice will be able to do enough to keep them in this game. 

NE 38, Baltimore 37

There you have it folks, The Machine is calling for a NE vs. SF Super Bowl!

Bonus predictions: Ray Lewis comes out of “retirement” around the third week of Training Camp, citing unfinished business.

Tuesday Teabag, January 15, 2013 – Lance Armstrong

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Somewhere along the line, probably in one of those father/son teaching moments, The Machine was told to never kick a man when they’re down.  Considering we spend one article a week completely trashing people for the dumb stuff they do and say, clearly that advice was well taken.  Papa Machine must be proud.

Anyway, we can’t help but pile the trash on top of Lance Armstrong.  While normally reserved to people with two functioning testicles (is it really a teabag with just one?), your actions over the past few days leave us with no other choice.  Confessing on Oprah?  Really, dude.  That’s so 1994.  Was Montell Williams booked? 

You know, it’s not so much that he used performance enhancing drugs and participated (read: orchestrated) the greatest blood-doping scheme ever.  Loyal readers of The Machine know that we really don’t care that much about athletes and doping.  It’s been going on forever and will continue to go on forever.  And, not to get too far off topic, but what’s the difference between steroids (illegal) and cortisone shots and painkillers (prescribed liberally by every team doctor)?  But I digress…

No Lance, the real reason you’re in our crosshairs is the way you went about it all.  You didn’t just issue denials.  You loudly proclaimed to the world that you never took drugs, were the most tested athlete ever, and that you past every drug test.  You went so far as to sue newspapers and (former) friends for claiming otherwise.  That takes stones, or, in your case, stone.  And, to top it all off, after your 7 Tour de France titles were stricken, you post a picture of yourself lounging in your house under your Tour de France jerseys.  FYI, nothing says “I’m the biggest d-bag of all-time” then posing in front of invalidated trophies.

Also let’s not forget your (soon to be defunct) Livestrong Foundation and the millions of cancer patients (including many children) that you defrauded.  You, probably more than any other athlete because of your battle with cancer, were a role model.  People were touched by your story and wanted to “live strong” because of it.  Not only did people look up to you, but people who desperately needed hope to stay alive looked up to you.  That has been irretrievably broken.

And, perhaps worst of all, you validated the French.  The Machine (and the rest of ‘Merica) took great pleasure in having a good old boy from the States (a rootin’, shootin’ Texan no less) travel to the land of the cowards time and time again and take home their most coveted trophy.  We (and by we I mean the Western Hemisphere) don’t give a shit about cycling.  All we know is that the French really like it and thus, we hate it. 

The Machine’s willing to bet that, in your warped sense of reality, you thought that, because of all the good you did with Livestrong, that that somehow balances out all the lies, and people should be able to separate the two and still think of you like a God.  The Machine’s also willing to bet that you’re one of these assholes that, after apologizing for egregious conduct, can’t understand why people won’t move on (“I said I’m sorry what more do you want?”) 

Yes folks, make no mistake about it.  Lance’s “apology” is as much of an orchestrated ploy as his doping scheme.  Unless you think it was mere coincidence that he chose now to come forward, think about this.  The statute of limitations for perjury is 7 years.  Care to guess when he testified under oath that he never used drugs?  That’s right, 2005.  This is (yet another) f-you move on your part.  Flipping the bird to the feds right after the expiration of the statute of limitations, while smart legally, is just another example of your dickishness, and how the only thing you’re really sorry for is getting caught.

Keep a close eye on our boy Lance.  He is slowly trying to transform himself into the victim.  Next, he’ll give some money back to sponsors (reportedly $5 million, note: it’s easy to give $5 million away when you have over $100 million) plus probably make amends by ratting out to the feds, and becoming a spokesperson against drugs (3-1 odds says he’s out in public wearing a DARE t-shirt by March). 

Hopefully, we don’t let you off the hook and re-establish yourself as America’s darling (see Ray Lewis).  Instead, The Machine hopes you get the Pete Rose treatment.  That you’ll be at a table next to the Arc de Triomphe signing autographs during the Tour de France, or in the parking lot outside the Cycling convention (if such a thing exists).  You deserve nothing more.

Enjoy your Tuesday Teabag.  Hopefully it’s the last thing you’ll ever win.

AFC Divisional Round, Sunday

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Houston Texans at New England Patriots (-9.5)

No reason to get fancy with this analysis; two-hundred words should be more than enough.  At its simplest form, this game boils down Schaub-Kubiak versus Brady-Belichick.  I know which side of that equation I’m going to lay my money.

The Texans lost 3 of their last 4 games to limp into the playoffs.  They continued their uninspired limp by escaping the first round with a dreadful performance against the Bengals.  Andy Dalton, ginger powers and all, may have played himself out of a starting job with an embarrassing performance against the Texans.  He left play after play on the field, including a wide open AJ Green streaking up the seam late in the game; a play that would have drastically changed the course of game.  Andy Dalton missed the throw.  Tom Brady won’t.

This game figures to play out exactly like their Week 14 match-up; a 42-14 beat-down of the Texans.  The Patriots front seven will contain Arian Foster (15 carries, 46 yards in that game) and force Matt Schaub into beating them.  The Patriots offense will keep the pedal to the metal the entire game, forcing the Texans into a shoot-out.

Patriots cruise for a rematch of last years AFC Championship.

NE 38, Houston 17

(Word Count: 210) NAILED IT!

NFC Divisional Round, Sunday

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Seattle at Atlanta (-2.5)

First, The Machine took it on the chin last night…going 0-2 in our picks.  First, wtf Peyton.  Tebow won a playoff game for Denver (just sayin’) #jesusisclutch.  And who would’ve thought, after a back and forth first half, that the Niners would absolutely explode and the Packers would absolutely collapse.  Such is sports.

Anyway, we’re here to totally redeem ourselves today, starting the NFC Divisional showdown between the Seattle and Atlanta.

These teams are polar opposites on offense.  The Falcons come in as the Number 1 seed, and have a dominant passing attack, with hands down the best 1-2 punch at WR with Roddy White and Julio Jones.  The passing game more than makes up for the lack of production in running the ball.  Matty Ice has come of age this year, throwing for over 4,700 yards and 32 tds.  On defense, the Falcons are tough to gauge.  At times, the play at an elite level, (as the shutout of the Giants proves) but they have also been inconsistent (like when Carolina dropped 30 on them).

Seattle, on the other hand, has a bruising running game with Beastmode anchoring the #3 rushing attack in the NFL, over 161 yards per game.  There are really no threats at WR…although Russell Wilson (the only rookie QB left standing) creates enough plays and is elusive enough to get them open.  The Machine doesn’t think of Wilson as really part of the new school run/threat option, which is a good things (#itsafad).  He’s played out of his mind this year, throwing for over 3,100 yards and 26 tds.  Seattle also has a dominant, Top 10 defense that doesn’t get the credit or attention it deserves.

A lot of people are picking the Seahawks to come in and upset the 13-3 Falcons, but The Machine doesn’t think so.  Seattle has some key injuries that will prove fatal.  Beastmode is dinged up, only practicing on Friday with a bum knee.  Additionally, Sydney Rice(who quietly had a solid year going 50/748/7) is hurt and didn’t practice all week.  While they may be able to get by with one of those two injured, they will not be able overcome both of them.

Seattle’s D (and Pete Carroll’s play calling) will keep this game interesting.  However, The Machine likes the Falcons and Matty Ice to get his first playoff win.

Seattle 20, Falcons 31

Happy International Kiss a Ginger Day!!!

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Have you kissed a Ginger today?

Ginger King has a packed schedule today, making public appearances all over town, giving all normal people a chance to live out their fantasies and kiss a ginger (for $20 I’ll let you touch and pet me too).  If you don’t know about International Kiss a Ginger Day, you ether (a) haven’t lived, or (b) are lying.  Take 30 seconds to google (it’s true).

For anyone that hasn’t found me yet, I’ll be in the parking lot of Applebee’s during halftime of the Broncos/Ravens, then I got a private party where I plan to get my drink on and watch the Niners/Packers.  After that, I’ll be at the Wafflehouse from 2:00 am to 4:00 am.

If you can’t find me, make sure to find any Ginger and thank them for everything they do.  And then kiss them.

NFC Divisional Round, Saturday

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Green Bay at San Francisco (-2.5)

By far the hardest game to predict this weekend.  The Machine has gone back and forth on this one.  On the one hand, the Packers are red hot, and hot at the right time.  Who cares if you can’t name their starting running back?  Over the last four games, Aaron Rodgers has 11 tds and 0 ints.  Rodgers has quietly put together an MVP-like season, throwing for nearly 4,300 yards, 39 tds, and 8 ints, and that’s not including the 274/1/0 he put up against the Vikes last week.  Defense has been their weakness this year, but they are healthy and held Adrian Peterson to under 100 yards last week (after giving up over 400 yards to AP during the regular season).

On the other hand, you have the 49ers.  Hands down, the best D in the league.  They are faster, nastier, and hit harder than any other team (and we all know defense wins championships).  Their coach is the most intense man in the NFL (The Machine can’t tell if he’s smiling or dropping a deuce) and he clearly will do anything to win now (just ask Alex Smith).  On offense, they run hard and run often, finishing 4th in the league at more than 155 yards a game.  Coach Harbaugh made the gutsiest call of the year, handing the reigns over to Colin Kaepernick mid-season (check out The Machine’s exclusive coverage of that here).  And while it’s easy to say the experiment worked out (the Niners won the NFC West and got a first round bye) the numbers aren’t as clear.

Remarkably, Smith and Kaepernick each attempted 218 passes, which makes it ridiculously easy to compare them.  Kaepernick went for 1,814/10/3 for a solid QB rating of 98.3 (and 9 fumbles).  Smith was 1,737/13/5 and 4 fumbles, for a QB rating of 104.1.  So who’s better?  While Smith has slightly better numbers this year, the answer is: it doesn’t matter.  With a premier running game and defense, all you need is a QB with a decent arm and a heartbeat (similar to The Machine’s taste in women…sorry to all my female amputee fans).

And, these teams already played each other this year, with San Francisco winning 30-22 in Green Bay.  But that was soooo Week 1.

With a match up this close, it all comes down to storylines, and there is no better storyline than this:  Revenge.  Who could forget 2005, when the Niners, holding the #1 pick in the draft, selected Alex Smith over Aaron Rodgers, a NoCal native whose favorite team growing up was San Francisco.  Rodgers (painfully) sat in the green room and inexplicably fell all the way to 24.  Obviously, Aaron Rodgers, with his Super Bowl ring, Super Bowl MVP, regular season MVP, Associated Press Athlete of the Year, and discount double-check, is the better quarterback than the now-backup Smith.  So perhaps Aaron isn’t mad anymore…I mean, it was almost 8 years ago.  But then The Machine stumbled upon this, and this, and realized this:

Aaron Rodgers has been waiting for this day since April 23, 2005.  He has been biding his time, knowing, hoping, that this day would come.  Where he could go back home, into the stadium where he wanted to play, in front of his family and friends and, more importantly, the front office executives of the Niners, and make those fuckers pay, and pay dearly.

Rodgers is going to come out fired up, like Ray Lewis out of the tunnel fired up.  He will inspire his defense to play better.  Although listed as probable, Justin Smith and his floppy triceps will prevent the Niners from getting the consistent up front pressure they’ll need to contain Rodgers.  This will give Aaron enough time in the pocket to find his healthy stable of receivers.  It will also open up some running lanes for him as well (yes, we’re calling a rushing td for him too).

While The Machine (at least Ginger King) has not done well picking against the Niners this year, the playoffs are all about who’s hot, and right now, no one’s hotter than the Packers and Aaron Rodgers.  Add on top of that the powerful motivator of revenge, and this has upset written all over it.  Take the Pack with points (and throw some on the money line too).

Green Bay 24, San Francisco 20

AFC Divisional Round, Saturday

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Baltimore at Denver (-9)

It doesn’t get much better than Divisional Round Playoff Football!  This weekend features the eight best teams vying for a chance to play in their conference championship game.  Again we’re treated with a two-pack of games on Saturday AND Sunday.  God bless!

Other than The Silverbacks face palming of Richard Sherman, the Wild Card Round was a snoozefest…..(that doesn’t mean we didn’t enjoy every minute of it and slam beers until the clock read 00:00).  This weekend features a promising platter of tasty matchups that will surely excite the senses.  However, the guys in Vegas are none to impressed with the AFC matchups this weekend as both visiting teams are 9 point dogs (both NFC visiting teams are 2.5 point dogs).

The Ravens were able to parlay home field advantage and the emotional return of Ray Lewis into a 24-9 win over the Colts…..who were starting a rookie QB….and who went 2-14 the previous year with almost the same roster.  But hey, we’ll give credit to the Ravens because they took care of business, but it was ugly.  Ray Rice put the ball on the ground, twice.  Flacco only played good ball for 2 quarters.  The Colts offensive line was overmatched and they failed to capitalize in the redzone (0 TDs in three chances).  So again, the Ravens did what they had to do, but they won’t get away with that kind of sloppy football against Sheriff Manning.

The Broncos have the longest current streak in the NFL at 11. Further, they won 7 of those games by a double-digit margin.  Sure, Manning is going to garner all the discussion and praise, but the defense has been nasty too!  They are allowing an AFC low 17 points-per-game-against.  Von Miller and Elvis Dumervil are bringing the heat from the edges (29.5 combined sacks), forcing quick (and often poor) decisions by the opposing quarterback.  The rest of the defense is flying to the ball and capitalizing on those mistakes.

Much has been made this week that Peyton Manning is 0-3 in playoff games under 40-degrees (weather outlook at kickoff: 19 degrees, snow).  It sounds like an odd stat that is gaining way too much traction this week; in other words, something here stinks.  The Machine did a little internet research of our own and found that two of those games where against Brady-Belichick (in New England) and the other was a beat down at the hands of the Jets, 11 years ago!  Nothing to see here folks!

The Machine doesn’t trust Joe Flacco, or the Ravens receivers (Anquan meet Champ, Champ meet Anquan), or whomever is calling the plays, or the ageless defense, or these bogus weather stats……and neither does Vegas!  Make it 12 in a row.

Denver 27, Baltimore 16

 

 

Tuesday Teabag, January 8, 2013 – Syracuse Football Fans

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Wow, our first TT of 2013!  The Machine (and Mrs. Machine) was nursing a mega-hangover on New Year’s Day (and thus unable to type, let alone form coherent thoughts), but now The Machine’s (reasonably) sober, and ready to get back to doing our dream job!

2013’s not even a week old, and there are plenty of teabags to go around (we’re looking at you Mike Shanahan).  Surprisingly, Mike and his (career ending?) decision to leave RGIII in the game despite his noticeable (career ending?) knee injury gets a pass.  Instead, our focus is not on one individual, but an entire group of people (#stereotypingcanbefun).

Being from Central New York (an “Upstater”) The Machine couldn’t help but take notice of Doug Marrone, the former SU Football coach who left to become the head coach of the Buffalo Bills.  On its surface, it’s not that much of a story:  college coach becomes NFL coach.  Happens all the time, sometimes good (see Pete Carroll, 2012), sometimes not so good (see Pete Carroll, 1994).  But it wasn’t the fact that he left, but rather the reaction from the SU fans, that makes this story teabagable (2013 word of the year).

Indeed, The Machine’s inbox was flooded with angry messages from Cuse fans who felt betrayed that Marrone not only left them, but lied to them.  A casual perusing of The Machine’s facebook page saw dozens of angry posts, each one worse than the last, all with vitriol for Doug.

It seems that the majority of the fans’ ire is that Coach Marrone is leaving his “dream job”.  You see, when Marrone, a former player at SU, accepted the head coaching position at Syracuse four years ago, he called it his dream job, surprising considering the clusterfuck of a program he inherited.  In those four years, Marrone transformed Syracuse football from a complete joke into a respectable program that finished tied for first in the Big East this year, had two winning seasons, and was 2-0 in bowl games (inaugural winner of the Pinstripe bowl, bitches).  Without question, he improved the program, leaving it in better hands for his successor.

Because of his success, it’s natural for fans to be disappointed.  However, SU fans went right past disappointment and settled for shock and anger.  “He lied to us!” whined SU fans.  “Why would he leave his dream job?”

Let’s get a few things straight:

Number 1, no one’s dream job is in Syracuse, New York.

Number 2, of course he would call it his dream job when he was hired.  He played at Syracuse, and thus has a deep connection with the program and the University.  It’s called coach-speak.  When a coach (not named Gregg Williams), in pre-game warmups, says “we’re gonna slaughter them on the field” does he actually want his players to murder the opponent?  Let The Machine translate for you:  “This is my dream job” = “I’m excited as shit to be here.”

Number 3, every college coach wants to be an NFL coach.  The Machine learned that before learning to read.

Number 4, dreams change.  The Machine loves his job as a “sports journalist”, but if Axl Rose calls and says “your idea about a Ginger Hall of Fame (and your karaoke of Sweet Child) is incredible.  How about I fund it and you run it?”  The Machine would pack up his shit and go.  Simple as that.  The allure of the NFL will always be there.  More money, more power, and more control, three things that (a) are generally awesome and (b) are even more awesome for egotistical, power-craving football coaches.

Number 5, if there’s any outrage to go around, it should be directed at these “fans”.  Where were they during the dark days (Greg Robinson era)?  The 1-10 2005 Season—with that one win coming over Buffalo (oh sweet irony).  Were they at the Dome with their Perry Patterson jersey, cheering on their favorite team wondering where the hell the Dome Ranger is? (remember, in sickness and in health, yes, loving a sports team is like a marriage).  No.  Instead, you couldn’t give your tickets away fast enough, ashamed to even acknowledge the football team (“I really just watch basketball or (if you’re really hardcore) lacrosse”).  Now that you’ve had a little success, you come out of the woodwork with your (newly purchased) Orange football hoodie, and are somehow entitled to keeping your coach as long as you want him.

Point is:  coaches can be as fickle as their fans.  Don’t hate on Marrone because he took a better paying job, with more authority and control.  Granted, could the Buffalo Bills win the Pinstripe Bowl?  Debatable.  But remember the SU program he inherited:  they couldn’t win a goldfish at the County Fair (tossing that ping-pong ball in the bowl is pretty tough, btw) let alone a football game.

And him saying this was his “dream job” changes nothing.  Let.  It.  Go.  Does that somehow obligate him to a life long tenure?  Does he get to stay at his job regardless of how well or poor he does?  Of course not (he’s not a teacher).  You would gladly run him out of town if he didn’t perform to your expectations.

The local media, clearly not able to let the “dream job” thing go, raised this at his press conference in Buffalo, to which he responded:  “When I went in there and said it’s my dream job, I meant that. I really did.  I had the opportunity to restore that program.  That dream became a reality for me.  Now I’m moving forward with my next dream, which is to be an NFL coach.”  The Machine will gladly translate that for any SU fan still searching for answers:  “Dreams change, motherfucker.  I gave you four solid years, and built my resume…err, the program, to a respectable level.  Now this is my new dream job (until Jerry Jones calls in four years).”

The Machine says best of luck to Coach Marrone.  The Bills are an absolute mess, and they could definitely use your help (this is a not so subtle plug for you to hire The Machine as your draft scouts.  Guaranteed to deliver a solid class, certainly better than anything that’s been done in recent past (Aaron-fucking Maybin)).

Get over it SU fans.  Why he would trade one depressing Upstate New York city for another is a totally legitimate topic.  Claiming he lied to you is not.  Enjoy your teabag.

Wild Card – Day 2

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The Machine struck gold last night, going 2-0 with our Wild Card picks, gaining back some of the money Mrs. Machine blew on the holidays.  Now, we’re strapped in and ready to kick some more ass.  Yesterday’s games ended up being snoozers…the outcomes were decided by halftime.  Today’s games, however, will be much more interesting.  Good thing you got The Machine to help you dominate.

Indy at Baltimore (-7)

There’s a lot of history between these two franchises, none of it good.  That will lead to a lot of chipiness between the players (The Machine sets the over/under on personal fouls at 3).  Ray Lewis is back, just in time to right the ship of this defense that has gotten old quick.  He should provide a much needed emotional spark.  But will it be enough?  The Ravens are an interesting team:  can we all just admit that Joe Flacco is a Game Manager?  That’s not a bad thing, especially when you have Ray Rice in the backfield.  The Ravens finished 11th in the league in rushing, and they will have to rely on Ray Ray early and often if they want to win.  For some unexplained reason, the Ravens sometimes forget Ray’s their offensive engine.

For Indy, everything from here on out is gravy.  No one expected this team to compete, let alone make the playoffs.  Everyone expected Reggie Wayne to bolt in the offseason.  Instead, Reggie had a career year, posting an impressive 106/1355/5 stat sheet.  Andrew Luck is for real, setting a rookie record with 4,374 yards and 23 tds, good for 7th in the league in passing.  Running is still an issue.  Vick Ballard has proven useful, but will he be enough of a presence to force the Ravens to play the run?

This game is hard to predict…and The Machine thinks the odds makers are crazy making the Ravens a touchdown favorite (#easymoney).  In fact, The Machine thinks that Indy has enough moxy and motivation (see Chuck Pagano) to upset Baltimore.  You heard it here first.  Indy pulls out an upset thriller.

Indy 17, Baltimore 14

Seattle (-3) at Washington

The battle of rookie qbs.  Russell Wilson v. RGIII.  Make no mistake about it:  without these two rookies, neither team had a chance of making the playoffs, showing you just how special they are (and a rookie qb class that rivals 1983).

Everyone ripped Pete Carroll for drafting Wilson in the third round, after dropping some serious cash on Matt Flynn.  A wasted pick, many said.  Well Pete’s laughed all the way to the playoffs, as Russell has guided this team to an 11-5 record.  Beastmode has been consistent all season, racking up 1,560 yards, and the Seahawks are 3rd in the NFL in rushing.  The play of Russell and Beastmode has taken away attention from the Seattle D, which is in the top 10 against both the run (6th) and the pass (10th).

For Washington, RGIII has surpassed Obama as the most important man in D.C.  He has single-handedly changed the culture and attitude in D.C., which has had its share of awful football as of late.  Mike Shanahan has provided the stability in coaching that this team needs.  The Skins are unstoppable rushing the ball, leading the league in rushing at nearly 170 yards a game.  The one-two combo of RGII and fellow rookie Alfred Morris has proven gold.  A question remains about RGIII’s knee, and how effective he’ll be outside the pocket.  On defense, Washington’s 5th against the run but an abysmal 30th against the pass.  This will give Russell Wilson some opportunities to get the ball down the field.

Despite all the (well-deserved) hype about RGIII, there’s a reason Seattle’s a three point favorite on the road.  Pete Carroll will have some tricks up his sleeves, and The Machine (normally a biased east coast sports fan) likes the Seahawks to move on, although this will be close all the way, so how can you not go with Washington and the points?

Seattle 17, Washington 16

Wild Card Round 1

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It’s go time!!!  12 teams enter, 1 team leaves.  Who will that team be?  Well, we’re getting a little ahead of ourselves.  The important question is: who can we bet on to win today’s games?  Now you’re talking.  The Machine has the answers you need to get you through the playoffs.

Cincinnati at Houston (-4.5)

A rematch from last year’s wild card round, the Bengals march in to Houston to once again try to dethrone the Texans.  Last year, the stars were aligned for a Bengals victory:  Schaub was hurt, putting then rookie TJ Yates behind center.  However, Andy Dalton, our favorite football ginger (sorry Shayne Graham) threw three picks, and the Texans won easily 31 to10.

This game should be more competitive that last year.  The Bengals have quietly put together a solid 10-6 season, and Dalton may be the most under the radar QB in the league (proof that the NFL doesn’t want a ginger QB to succeed, right Rush?), throwing for 27 tds and nearly 3700 yards.  A.J. Green is a stud, and Jermaine Gresham provides a great safety valve.  On defense, the Bengals are also pretty complete.  Proving once again that character concerns are for pussies, the Bengals took a huge risk on Vontaze Burfict this year, but it paid off HUGE, as Vontaze led the team with 127 tackles and 0 arrests.  Shit, Pacman Jones didn’t get arrested this year, which makes The Machine wonder if the Bengals actually lock up their players on off days or shut down every strip club in Ohio.

However, despite all these positives, the Bengals are run in to a Texans squad that is healthy, hungry, and playing with a huge chip on their shoulders.  The playoffs are all about balance, and no team has better balance right now than the Houston Texans.  Schaub is healthy, and Foster and Andre Johnson need to introductions.  Andre Johnson had a monster year, and only got better as the season went on, averaging 10/130 over the past three games.  On defense, the Texans are legit, led by JJ Watt and his 20.5 sacks.  The Texans are well-balanced throughout their D, with Watt on the line, Cushing at LB, and Kareem Jackson at CB.

While the Bengals will put up a better fight than last year, they’re still a year away from making a serious playoff run.  The Texans, meanwhile, are ready to win now.  They run the best play-action in the game, so look for them to burn Cincy on a few long plays.  The Texans are just too much to handle, and Ginger Nation waits another year for a Ginger QB in the Super bowl (any chance Peyton can dye his hair?)

Texans 24, Cincinnati 17.

Minnesota at Green Bay (-7.5)

A rematch from last week, Minnesota and Green Bay play each other for the third time this year.  They split the regular season series, and the Vikings are getting no respect, coming in to Green Bay at more than a touchdown underdog.

That’s a lot, considering the Vikes have Adrian Peterson and his non-human knee.  AP has torched the Pack this year, averaging a ridiculous 204.5 yards per game.  AP alone will keep the Vikings in this game.  That’s good because, besides Peterson, the Vikes have a collection of overachievers and no names on offense.  Who thought Kyle Rudolph and Michael Jenkins would become receiving threats?  Percy Harvin has talent, but a #1 WR needs to put up more than 677 yards.  However, it all falls on Christian Ponder.  The Packers should put 11 in the box to stop AP.  If Ponder can get in a rhythm, it will force Green Bay to play a more balanced scheme, which will open up lines for AP.

Green Bay is perhaps the most unbalanced team in the playoffs, ranking 20th in the league in rushing and 9th in passing.  They have no running game and a Defense that gives up big plays.  Having said that, they also have Aaron Rodgers, and what they lack in balance they make up in explosiveness.  Rodgers loves playing the Viking, averaging 325.5 yards against the Vikings this year.  The Pack will need to rely on their passing game, because their running game is suspect at best, led by Alex Green and his 464 yards (0 tds).  Rodgers is second on the team in rushing with 259 yards (2 tds).  On defense, the Packers do just enough, ranking 11th in the league in passing and 17th in rushing.  This middle of the road defense won’t kill you, but it certainly won’t make game-changing plays.

Each team has their flaws, but the advantage goes to the Packers.  The home team won each game this year, and look for that to continue tonight.  This game will be close, but the nighttime crowd at Lambeau Field (note:  on The Machine’s bucket list) will give the Packers the energy they need to move on.  Take Minnesota with the points.

Green Bay 31, Minnesota 27.

**Update** 

Christian Ponder is not playing.  Instead, Joe Webb will be leading the charge.  Now, the Vikings deserve no respect.  Thus, disregard everything that’s written above:  the Pack easily win by double digits.