It’s an Election Day Teabag! We hope you exercised your meaningless constitutional right to vote for your corrupt, gerrymandered, whoremongering, self-important, piggish, trusted elected officials. Voting is about as relevant as June baseball. But somehow, every November, we get all ‘Merica and run to the polls, thinking that this year, it’ll be different. This year, they will listen to us. It’s only later we realize we were used, and all they wanted was our money without delivering on any of their promises. Kind of like being a Cleveland Browns fan. Anyway, time to get off our political soapbox and on to our Teabag.
We know it’s been a while since our last Teabag. We know our valid excuses of kids, real job, and Mrs. Machine’s constant need for attention (just kidding baby, you know you’re the best) falls on deaf ears. But there’s nothing like kids being asleep by 8:00 a washed up professional athlete shooting his finger off to get us back in the mood. Comeuppance for meatheads always gets our attention. And with that, we present to you Jose Canseco.
Meathead 101: Bicep tat (check), tank top (check), hair product (check)
One could argue that Jose’s post-baseball career hasn’t exactly turned out as he expected. You could also argue it’s turned out exactly as we expected. Canseco, the posterchild for baseball’s steroid era, didn’t exactly garner favor amongst his peers when he published his book, Juiced: Wild Times, Rampant ‘Roids, Smash Hits & How Baseball Got Big, or 2008’s follow up: Vindicated. Besides writing books (we’re being very liberal with the use of the word writing) Jose has engaged in a series of sad public appearances, including Celebrity Apprentice (he got fired), Celebrity Boxing (he got knocked out), and MMA (he got knocked the fuck out). Take a look:
Yes, it’s been a series of cash grab, look at me I’m still pretty moves for Jose. And they all have been complete and utter failures. Now, he can add shooting off his finger to the list of unwise retirement decisions.
Last week, Jose made headlines for shooting his middle finger off while cleaning his gun. First, that really happens? The Machine’s not really a gun guy (we do respect the 2nd Amendment so stand back hippies) so excuse our ignorance…but, if we were to own a gun, and then were to clean said gun, wouldn’t you take the ammo out of the gun? And why do you need to clean a gun? Does it need to look pretty? Is this the equivalent of brushing your doll’s hair? It seems like an extremely vain thing to do…which is why we’re not surprised to learn that Jose was cleaning his gun. We’re also not surprised to learn that he cleans a loaded gun. Gee, what could possibly go wrong?
Doctors were able to attach his finger back, but the prognosis for a full recovery is not great. Naturally, Jose immediately went to the press and social media, in a desperate attempt to remain relevant order to gain some public sympathy. He was interviewed for Inside Edition (that’s still a show?) and tweeted the following pic:
They are perfect for each other.
Look, all’s not bad for Jose. He’s got a smoking hot model for a fiancé (clearly that’s going to last), lives in Vegas, and can still rock a tank top in his fifties. But life’s never going to be better than what it was. Sorry Jose, but you’re never going to be as rich, or as relevant, as you were.
And that’s the problem with athletes like Jose. He probably still thinks he’s a big time athlete/celebrity. Or maybe he thinks he can have a Mike Tyson-like resurgence. But the huge difference between Tyson and Canseco is that there’s an element of honesty and humility from Tyson. All you get from Canseco is arrogance and an overpowering scent of Axe Body Spray.
He’s the kind of guy that would…well, tweet his ex-girlfriend’s phone number and tell people to call her and tell her “what a skank thief she is”. Note: said ex-girlfriend is now his fiancé…perhaps it will work out after all.
Seriously how many tank tops does he own?
What’s next for Jose? We’re guessing he’s about six months away from selling his World Series ring or having a sex tape “leak”. Good luck on that marriage, brah.
Bottom line: If you shoot your finger off while cleaning your gun, you probably deserve to have your finger shot off.
Enjoy your teabag.