Week 13 Picks ATS

WEEK 13
THE GAMES (Home team in CAPS)
Date & Time Favorite Spread Underdog
Thurs 12:30 PM DETROIT 7 Chicago
Thurs 4:30 PM DALLAS 3 Philadelphia
Thurs 8:30 PM SAN FRANCISCO 1 Seattle
Sunday 1 PM INDIANAPOLIS 9.5 Washington
Sunday 1 PM HOUSTON 6.5 Tennessee
Sunday 1 PM BUFFALO 2.5 Cleveland
Sunday 1 PM BALTIMORE 5.5 San Diego
Sunday 1 PM nyg 2.5 JACKSONVILLE
Sunday 1 PM Cincinnati 4 TAMPA BAY
Sunday 1 PM ST. LOUIS 7 Oakland
Sunday 1 PM PITTSBURGH 3.5 New Orleans
Sunday 1 PM MINNESOTA 3 Carolina
Sunday 4:05 PM Arizona 2.5 ATLANTA
Sunday 4:25 PM GREEN BAY 3 New England
Sunday 8:30 PM Denver 1.5 KANSAS CITY
Monday 8:30 PM Miami 6 NYJ
THE PICKS
Roid Rage Ginger King Dr. Mike Big Daddy Vegas Vinny
Last Week 10-5 6-9 6-9 6-9 6-9
YTD 80-80-1 87-74-1 78-82-1 78-82-1 80-80-1
Chicago Chicago DETROIT DETROIT DETROIT
DALLAS Philadelphia Philadelphia DALLAS DALLAS
SAN FRANCISCO Seattle SAN FRANCISCO SAN FRANCISCO Seattle
INDIANAPOLIS  INDIANAPOLIS INDIANAPOLIS INDIANAPOLIS INDIANAPOLIS
HOUSTON  HOUSTON HOUSTON Tennessee HOUSTON
Cleveland  Cleveland BUFFALO BUFFALO BUFFALO
BALTIMORE  BALTIMORE BALTIMORE San Diego BALTIMORE
nyg  nyg nyg nyg nyg
Cincinnati  Cincinnati TAMPA BAY Cincinnati Cincinnati
ST. LOUIS  ST. LOUIS Oakland Oakland ST. LOUIS
PITTSBURGH  PITTSBURGH PITTSBURGH PITTSBURGH New Orleans
Carolina  MINNESOTA MINNESOTA MINNESOTA Carolina
Arizona  Arizona Arizona ATLANTA ATLANTA
GREEN BAY  New England New England GREEN BAY GREEN BAY
KANSAS CITY  Denver Denver KANSAS CITY Denver
NYJ  Miami Miami Miami Miami
LOCK Ravens  Giants Giants Falcons Bengals
Lock Wins 6 6 6 3 2
Giant killer?!

Giant killer?!

Week 13 – Waiver Wire Pickups

Happy Thanksgiving fantasy fans.  Here at the Big Red Sports Machine, we have a lot to be thankful for.  We’ve qualified for the playoffs in each of our three fantasy leagues (real men play in multiple fantasy leagues) and we’re past the halfway point to the ’15 Draft Party…err, I mean we’re thankful for our family and friends.   But being thankful isn’t going to be enough to get you in the playoffs.  That’s why we’re here.  So let’s get right to it.

Daniel Herron, RB Colts (44%)

Meet the Colts newest starting back, just in time for (your fantasy) playoffs.

Meet the Colts newest starting back, just in time for (your fantasy) playoffs.

With Ahmad Bradshaw out, Herron steps up as the next Colts running back to outplay Trent Richardson.  He’s in line for at least a 50/50 split, and could see more action as he’ll be starting.  Last week he had 12 rushing attempts to go along with 5 receptions.  Look for those numbers to increase this week.

The Colts play a high octane brand of football, are unstoppable at home, and are playing the forever-dysfunctional Washington Redskins.

Herron offers great upside as a flex/RB2.

Jarvis Landry, WR Miami (36%)

Tannehille's newest weapon.

Tannehille’s newest weapon.

In any other year, Jarvis would be getting much more attention for his play as a rookie receiver.  But with Sammy, Mike Evans, and ODB making headlines, it’s easy to see how Jarvis got lost in the shuffle.  But his play over the last few weeks has not gone unnoticed by The Machine.

Jarvis has had 4 straight double digit games, including an impressive 2 touchdown performance against Denver last week.  His role in the offense is increasing daily, and he has established great rapport with (the vastly improved) Ryan Tannehill.  Also working in Jarvis’ favor is the Dolphins opponent this week, the forever-dysfunctional New York Jets.  Jarvis has scored in three of the past four games.  Look for that streak to continue Monday night.

Owen Daniels, TE Baltimore (45%)

Meet your starting tight end and accountant.

Meet your starting tight end and accountant.

If you’re in a pinch at TE (perhaps you need a replacement for Dwayne Allen) Owen could serve as a serviceable stop gap.  He only has 3 tds on the year, but is still involved in the offense, getting between 4-9 targets each week.  With defenses having to focus more on the ageless wonder that is Steve Smith, that opens some lanes for Owen.

Alex Smith, QB Chiefs (38%)

Great matchup at home.

Great matchup at home.

If you’re a Phillip Rivers/Cam Newton/Andy Dalton/Eli Manning owner, you may want to hand the rains over to Alex this weekend.  KC is home against Denver in what would be the game of the week (but for Green Bay/New England).  Anyway, lost in all the Peyton Manning fawning is that Denver’s defense sucks.  They have given up the fantasy points to quarterbacks.  The Dolphins exposed them last week (in Denver), as Tannehille threw for 3 tds and ran for 1.  Smith is equally shifty, and we like his chances to gain a few points on the ground.

Bonus Advice:

Fool's gold

Fool’s gold

Do not pick up any of the following New England Patriots:  Jonas Gray, Legarrate Blount, Tim Wright.  Don’t believe the hype, but believe this:  Bill Belichick hates fantasy football, and he will fuck with you just because he can.  Two weeks ago, everyone rushed to the waiver wire to pick up Jonas Gray, fresh off his 201 yards (37 attempts), 4 touchdown performance.  How did he follow that up:  0 yards on 0 attempts.

It's a Belichick trap!

It’s a Belichick trap!

Tim Wright (the other TE) had 2 touchdowns last week, as did newly signed LeGarrette Blount.  However, don’t be fooled.  Belichick wants you to waste a roster spot on them this week, just to show you that he doesn’t need to use them on his roster.  It’s too unpredictable to know which Patriot (not named Brady or Gronk) will be a regular contributor.  Consider yourself warned.

Week 13 Picks ATS…Thanksgiving Edition

WEEK 13
THE GAMES (Home team in CAPS)
Date & Time Favorite Spread Underdog
Thurs 12:30 PM DETROIT 7 Chicago
Thurs 4:30 PM DALLAS 3 Philadelphia
Thurs 8:30 PM SAN FRANCISCO 1 Seattle
THE PICKS
Roid Rage Ginger King Dr. Mike Big Daddy Vegas Vinny
Last Week 10-5 6-9 6-9 6-9 6-9
YTD 80-80-1 87-74-1 78-82-1 78-82-1 80-80-1
Chicago Chicago DETROIT DETROIT DETROIT
DALLAS Philadelphia Philadelphia DALLAS DALLAS
SAN FRANCISCO Seattle SAN FRANCISCO SAN FRANCISCO Seattle
Happy Turkey Day!

Happy Turkey Day!

Week 12 Picks ATS

WEEK 12
THE GAMES (Home team in CAPS)
Date & Time Favorite Spread Underdog
Thurs 8:30 PM Kansas City 7 OAKLAND
Sunday 1 PM ATLANTA 3 Cleveland
Sunday 1 PM PHILADELPHIA 11 Tennessee
Sunday 1 PM NEW ENGLAND 7 Detroit
Sunday 1 PM Green Bay 8.5 MINNESOTA
Sunday 1 PM INDIANAPOLIS 14 Jacksonville
Sunday 1 PM HOUSTON 1.5 Cincinnati
Sunday 1 PM CHICAGO 5.5 Tampa Bay
Sunday 4:05 PM SEATTLE 7 Arizona
Sunday 4:05 PM SAN DIEGO 5 St. Louis
Sunday 4:25 PM DENVER 7 Miami
Sunday 4:25 PM SAN FRANCISCO 9 Washington
Sunday 8:30 PM Dallas 3.5 NYG
Monday 7:00 PM BUFFALO 2.5 nyj
Monday 8:30 PM NEW ORLEANS 3.5 Baltimore
THE PICKS
Roid Rage Ginger King Dr. Mike Big Daddy Vegas Vinny
Last Week 5-9 7-7 7-7 8-6 9-5
YTD 70-75-1 81-65-1 72-73-1 72-73-1 74-71-1
OAKLAND OAKLAND Kansas City OAKLAND Kansas City
Cleveland  ATLANTA Cleveland Cleveland ATLANTA
PHILADELPHIA  Tennessee Tennessee Tennessee PHILADELPHIA
NEW ENGLAND NEW ENGLAND NEW ENGLAND NEW ENGLAND NEW ENGLAND
MINNESOTA  Green Bay Green Bay Green Bay Green Bay
Jacksonville  INDIANAPOLIS Jacksonville INDIANAPOLIS Jacksonville
HOUSTON  Cincinnati Cincinnati Cincinnati Cincinnati
Tampa Bay  CHICAGO CHICAGO Tampa Bay CHICAGO
SEATTLE  Arizona Arizona Arizona Arizona
St. Louis  SAN DIEGO SAN DIEGO SAN DIEGO St. Louis
DENVER  DENVER DENVER Miami DENVER
Washington  SAN FRANCISCO Washington SAN FRANCISCO SAN FRANCISCO
Dallas  Dallas Dallas Dallas Dallas
BUFFALO  BUFFALO BUFFALO nyj BUFFALO
Baltimore  NEW ORLEANS NEW ORLEANS NEW ORLEANS NEW ORLEANS
LOCK Patriots  Patriots Browns Packers Packers
Lock Wins 5 5 5 3 2
Fantasy sports are hot!

Fantasy sports are hot!

 

Week 12 Picks ATS….TNF Edition

WEEK 12
THE GAMES (Home team in CAPS)
Date & Time Favorite Spread Underdog
Thurs 8:30 PM kansas city 7 OAKLAND
THE PICKS
Roid Rage Ginger King Dr. Mike Big Daddy Vegas Vinny
OAKLAND OAKLAND kansas city OAKLAND kansas city
Dat dude

Dat dude

Week 11 Picks ATS

WEEK 11
THE GAMES (Home team in CAPS)
Date & Time Favorite Spread Underdog
Thurs 8:30 PM MIAMI 5.5 Buffalo
Sunday 1 PM CLEVELAND 3 Houston
Sunday 1 PM CHICAGO 3.5 Minnesota
Sunday 1 PM KANSAS CITY 1.5 Seattle
Sunday 1 PM CAROLINA 1.5 Atlanta
Sunday 1 PM NEW ORLEANS 6.5 Cincinnati
Sunday 1 PM WASHINGTON 7 Tampa Bay
Sunday 1 PM Denver 9.5 ST. LOUIS
Sunday 1 PM San Francisco 4 NYG
Sunday 4:05 PM SAN DIEGO 10 Oakland
Sunday 4:25 PM GREEN BAY 4.5 Philadelphia
Sunday 4:25 PM ARIZONA 1.5 Detroit
Sunday 8:30 PM INDIANAPOLIS 2.5 New England
Monday 8:30 PM Pittsburgh 5.5 TENNESSEE
THE PICKS
Roid Rage Ginger King Dr. Mike Big Daddy Vegas Vinny
Last Week 9-4 8-5 5-8 6-7 6-7
YTD 65-66-1 74-59-1 65-66-1 64-67-1 65-66-1
Buffalo MIAMI MIAMI Buffalo MIAMI
Houston  Houston CLEVELAND Houston CLEVELAND
Minnesota  CHICAGO CHICAGO Minnesota CHICAGO
Seattle  Seattle Seattle KANSAS CITY Seattle
CAROLINA  Atlanta CAROLINA CAROLINA Atlanta
NEW ORLEANS  NEW ORLEANS NEW ORLEANS NEW ORLEANS Cincinnati
WASHINGTON  WASHINGTON Tampa Bay WASHINGTON Tampa Bay
Denver  Denver Denver ST. LOUIS Denver
NYG  NYG San Francisco San Francisco San Francisco
Oakland  SAN DIEGO SAN DIEGO Oakland Oakland
GREEN BAY  GREEN BAY GREEN BAY Philadelphia GREEN BAY
ARIZONA  ARIZONA Detroit ARIZONA ARIZONA
INDIANAPOLIS  New England New England New England INDIANAPOLIS
TENNESSEE  Pittsburgh TENNESSEE TENNESSEE Pittsburgh
LOCK Broncos  Seattle Panthers  Eagles Broncos
Lock Wins 5 5 4 3 2
I'm back! (for now).

I’m back! (for now).

Week 11 Picks ATS…TNF Edition

WEEK 11
THE GAMES (Home team in CAPS)
Date & Time Favorite Spread Underdog
Thurs 8:30 PM MIAMI 5.5 Buffalo
THE PICKS
Roid Rage Ginger King Dr. Mike Big Daddy Vegas Vinny
Last Week *9-4 *8-5 *5-8 *6-7 *6-7
YTD 65-66-1 74-59-1 65-56-1 64-67-1 65-66-1
Buffalo MIAMI MIAMI Buffalo MIAMI
Nice catch, Tannehill.

Nice catch, Tannehill.

Week 10 Picks ATS!

WEEK 10
THE GAMES (Home team in CAPS)
Date & Time Favorite Spread Underdog
Thurs 8:30 PM CINCINNATI 6 Cleveland
Sunday 1 PM Dallas 6.5 JACKSONVILLE
Sunday 1 PM DETROIT 3 Miami
Sunday 1 PM kansas city 2 BUFFALO
Sunday 1 PM NEW ORLEANS 5 San Francisco
Sunday 1 PM BALTIMORE 9.5 Tennessee
Sunday 1 PM Pittsburgh 5 NYJ
Sunday 1 PM Atlanta 1.5 TAMPA BAY
Sunday 4:05 PM Denver 11.5 OAKLAND
Sunday 4:25 PM ARIZONA 7 St. Louis
Sunday 4:25 PM SEATTLE 9 nyg
Sunday 8:30 PM GREEN BAY 7.5 Chicago
Monday 8:30 PM PHILADELPHIA 6 Carolina
THE PICKS
Roid Rage Ginger King Dr. Mike Big Daddy Vegas Vinny
Last Week 5-8 9-4 5-8 7-6 4-9
YTD 56-62-1 66-54-1 60-58-1 58-60-1 59-59-1
CINCINNATI CINCINNATI CINCINNATI CINCINNATI CINCINNATI
Dallas Dallas Dallas Dallas Dallas
DETROIT DETROIT Miami Miami Miami
BUFFALO Kansas City BUFFALO kansas city BUFFALO
San Francisco NEW ORLEANS NEW ORLEANS NEW ORLEANS NEW ORLEANS
BALTIMORE BALTIMORE Tennessee Tennessee BALTIMORE
Pittsburgh Pittsburgh Pittsburgh NYJ Pittsburgh
Atlanta Atlanta Atlanta Atlanta Atlanta
Denver Denver Denver Denver Denver
ARIZONA ARIZONA ARIZONA St. Louis ARIZONA
SEATTLE nyg nyg nyg nyg
Chicago GREEN BAY GREEN BAY GREEN BAY GREEN BAY
PHILADELPHIA Carolina Carolina Carolina Carolina
LOCK Cowboys  Pittsburgh Cowboys Giants Steelers
Lock Wins 4 5 3 3 2
How 'bout dem Cowboys!

How ’bout dem Cowboys!

Week 10 Picks ATS!….TNF Edition

WEEK 10
THE GAMES (Home team in CAPS)
Date & Time Favorite Spread Underdog
Thurs 8:30 PM CINCINNATI 6 Cleveland
THE PICKS
Roid Rage Ginger King Dr. Mike Big Daddy Vegas Vinny
Last Week 5-8 9-4 5-8 7-6 4-9
YTD 56-62-1 66-54-1 60-58-1 58-60-1 59-59-1
CINCINNATI CINCINNATI CINCINNATI CINCINNATI CINCINNATI
Clean sweep by our panel....what could possibly go wrong?!

Clean sweep by our panel….what could possibly go wrong?!

Tuesday Teabag, November 4, 2014 – Jose Canseco

It’s an Election Day Teabag!  We hope you exercised your meaningless constitutional right to vote for your corrupt, gerrymandered, whoremongering, self-important, piggish, trusted elected officials.  Voting is about as relevant as June baseball.  But somehow, every November, we get all ‘Merica and run to the polls, thinking that this year, it’ll be different.  This year, they will listen to us.  It’s only later we realize we were used, and all they wanted was our money without delivering on any of their promises.  Kind of like being a Cleveland Browns fan.  Anyway, time to get off our political soapbox and on to our Teabag.

We know it’s been a while since our last Teabag.  We know our valid excuses of kids, real job, and Mrs. Machine’s constant need for attention (just kidding baby, you know you’re the best) falls on deaf ears.  But there’s nothing like kids being asleep by 8:00 a washed up professional athlete shooting his finger off to get us back in the mood.  Comeuppance for meatheads always gets our attention.  And with that, we present to you Jose Canseco.

Meathead 101:  Bicep tat (check), tank top (check), hair product (check)

Meathead 101: Bicep tat (check), tank top (check), hair product (check)

One could argue that Jose’s post-baseball career hasn’t exactly turned out as he expected.  You could also argue it’s turned out exactly as we expected.  Canseco, the posterchild for baseball’s steroid era, didn’t exactly garner favor amongst his peers when he published his book, Juiced:  Wild Times, Rampant ‘Roids, Smash Hits & How Baseball Got Big, or 2008’s follow up:  Vindicated.  Besides writing books (we’re being very liberal with the use of the word writing) Jose has engaged in a series of sad public appearances, including Celebrity Apprentice (he got fired), Celebrity Boxing (he got knocked out), and MMA (he got knocked the fuck out).  Take a look:

Yes, it’s been a series of cash grab, look at me I’m still pretty moves for Jose.  And they all have been complete and utter failures.  Now, he can add shooting off his finger to the list of unwise retirement decisions.

Last week, Jose made headlines for shooting his middle finger off while cleaning his gun.  First, that really happens?  The Machine’s not really a gun guy (we do respect the 2nd Amendment so stand back hippies) so excuse our ignorance…but, if we were to own a gun, and then were to clean said gun, wouldn’t you take the ammo out of the gun?  And why do you need to clean a gun?  Does it need to look pretty?  Is this the equivalent of brushing your doll’s hair?  It seems like an extremely vain thing to do…which is why we’re not surprised to learn that Jose was cleaning his gun.  We’re also not surprised to learn that he cleans a loaded gun.  Gee, what could possibly go wrong?

Doctors were able to attach his finger back, but the prognosis for a full recovery is not great.  Naturally, Jose immediately went to the press and social media, in a desperate attempt to remain relevant order to gain some public sympathy.  He was interviewed for Inside Edition (that’s still a show?) and tweeted the following pic:

 

They are perfect for each other.

They are perfect for each other.

Look, all’s not bad for Jose.  He’s got a smoking hot model for a fiancé (clearly that’s going to last), lives in Vegas, and can still rock a tank top in his fifties.  But life’s never going to be better than what it was.  Sorry Jose, but you’re never going to be as rich, or as relevant, as you were.

And that’s the problem with athletes like Jose.  He probably still thinks he’s a big time athlete/celebrity.  Or maybe he thinks he can have a Mike Tyson-like resurgence.  But the huge difference between Tyson and Canseco is that there’s an element of honesty and humility from Tyson.  All you get from Canseco is arrogance and an overpowering scent of Axe Body Spray.

He’s the kind of guy that would…well, tweet his ex-girlfriend’s phone number and tell people to call her and tell her “what a skank thief she is”.  Note:  said ex-girlfriend is now his fiancé…perhaps it will work out after all.

Seriously how many tank tops does he own?

Seriously how many tank tops does he own?

What’s next for Jose?  We’re guessing he’s about six months away from selling his World Series ring or having a sex tape “leak”.  Good luck on that marriage, brah.

Bottom line:  If you shoot your finger off while cleaning your gun, you probably deserve to have your finger shot off.

Enjoy your teabag.