Tuesday Teabag, April 29, 2014 – Donald Sterling

I got 99 problems...nope, now you got 100.

I got 99 problems…nope, now you got 100.

Come on, guys.  This one’s a no brainer.  Nice try Michael Pineda for your Pine Tar Neck trick…but oh no, this Teabag’s all Donald’s.  For those of you who need a refresher, our friends at Deadspin have the audio queued up for your listening pleasure.  It’s worth a listen. On the one hand, The Machine’s not surprised when anyone over the age of 60 makes a racist comment.  Being old is no excuse, but when you hear “80-year-old white guy doesn’t like the blacks”; it’s abhorrent, but not necessarily surprising.  However, when said 80 year old white guy happens to be the owner of the Los Angeles Clippers, well now you got a story.

Who would've thought this wouldn't last?

Who would’ve thought this wouldn’t last?

Donald was (can we stop using the word allegedly now?) recorded by his (now ex) girlfriend, essentially telling her to stop bringing black people to Clippers games and stop openly associated with them.  Huh?  How can someone who’s a multi-millionaire, a successful business owner, the owner of a professional sports team (whose players are predominantly minorities) and who received a lifetime achievement award from the NAACP, hold such bigoted views?  Why is he sharing said views with his (several) decades younger, mixed-race girlfriend?  How does one get a (several) decades younger mixed-race girlfriend?  Did he think that was going to end well? Answer to the above questions:  Money. Money can cure all evils (correction:  now that he’s banned for life from the NBA, money can cure most evils).

You see, here’s the thing about Donald Sterling:  his history of racism, sexual harassment, and general douch-bagedness is well documented.  Like here.  And here.  And here.  And here.  When he received the NAACP Lifetime Achievement Award in 2009, he paid a record $2.725 million to settle a housing discrimination lawsuit, where there were some pretty compelling allegations that he discriminated against minorities, particularly black families.  Why, and how, did he receive a Lifetime Achievement Award from the NAACP?  We believe the answer is also set forth above.  (Note to NAACP:  perhaps you should change your nominating criteria…just sayin’). But society simply could not tolerate this latest go-around.  Because of the audio evidence, and not some settlement agreement where the parties deny any liability but then pay a shit-ton of money, the NBA was forced had to act.  They simply could not turn another blind eye.  And there’s something about comeuppance for an Octogenarian that bangs models that just sits right with us.

Another question:  Does Donald give a shit?  He’s still rich as hell, and, if when the NBA forces him to sell the Clippers, he’ll make even more money.  And, he’ll still be able to find a (several) decades younger, hot girl to bang.  So, on that level, probably not.  But, for losing corporate sponsors, coupled with total public humiliation and disgrace, probably so.  A man who’s use to buying his way out of trouble can no longer do so.  That’s what The Machine thinks will kill him the most. Anyway, the NBA brought down the hammer on the Donald.  A lifetime ban.  That’s a steep price for one’s views.  But really, how long is that?  Dude’s 80.  And, let’s not fool ourselves to thinking this is over.  Do you think that Sterling’s going to go away quietly?  Do you think he’s afraid of protracted litigation?  If he’s smart, he just goes away.  But, if the last few days have told you anything, doing the right thing doesn’t exactly come natural to him.

Do you think he thinks he’s not a racist because he bangs minorities?  Do you think Thomas Jefferson thought that too?  Yeah, we just went there.

Our final thoughts:  As with most controversies, The Machine hates both extremes, and it’s no different here.   To the freedom of speech, First Amendment idiots (who are presumably Tea Partiers): shut up.  This has absolutely nothing to do with the First Amendment, and if you can’t understand why, well then you are hopeless.  And, for the record, even if it did involve the First Amendment, the First Amendment, and all the other freedoms enjoyed in the Bill of Rights, are not absolute.  Try yelling “bomb” in an airport and then assert your First Amendment Rights.

Also, for the people (mainly liberal media) crying that this should have been done sooner, shut up.  Where were you in 2009 when Sterling was honored by the NAACP?  Where was your outrage?  How come only now it’s obvious?  And give credit to Commissioner Silver for the action he took.  He didn’t have to impose this type of sanction.  He had a wide range of discretion.  He chose to impose the most extreme measure, a $2.5 million dollar fine (the highest allowed under NBA rules) and a lifetime ban.  This is quick, decisive, and just action for a man who’s been on the job for three months (well-played, David Stern). One thing we all can agree on:  the NBA, and aspiring models in Hollywood, are better off without Donald Sterling.

Enjoy your teabag.

Mock 3.0 (April 19, 2014)

Alright, we’re 3 weeks from the Draft, and things are really starting to change.  The question to answer now:  how far will Teddy Bridgewater fall?  Not if…but how far.  That’s right, the consensus #1 overall pick for the past 6 months is now sliding out of the Top 10, and possibly the first round.  Seriously, how do you have a bad pro day?  Anyway, let’s get to it.

Mock 3.0 (1 of 5)No changes for the top 2 picks, as it looks like Jadaveon is a lock to go #1.  Unless St. Louis trades out of the #2 pick (which I’d peg at 50/50) Sammy Watkins looks like their pick…not bad, considering Sammy’s drawing comparisons as a fast Larry Fitzgerald.  Big change comes at #3, as the QB-needy Jaguars will shun a QB and go with Kahlil Mack.  Why?  The Jags are more than just a QB-needy team…they are a [insert position]-needy team.  Plus, is there a QB worth the #3 pick in this draft?  The Jags have reached for a QB before (see Gabbert, Blaine) and you don’t want to reach at 3.  Likewise, the QB-needed Browns will also forgo a QB.  I think the Browns believe in Brian Hoyer just enough to give him a chance.  Da Raiders picking Robinson is a really smart pick, which is probably why they won’t do it.

Mock 3.0 (2 of 5)

Alright, the first QB goes off the Board at #8, as the Vikings take UCF stud Blake Bortles.  Blake seems to have risen to the top of the QB class.  He’s got prototypical size, and no baggage.  He’s the safe pick.  Mathews is thought of in many circles as the best OL in the Draft, and would come at a steal for Tampa at 7.  The Bills, missing out on Robinson and Mathews, go to their next need, and provide EJ Manual with a legit receiving threat in Eric Ebron (think Vernon Davis minus the diva).  Roid Rage has a mild hard-on just thinking about Manual to Ebron.

Mock 3.0 (3 of 5)

And the Johnny Football/Teddy Bridgwater fall begins.  Note:  if one (or both) get past Tennessee at 11, it’s going to be a long wait).  The G-Men stick with Lewan at 12, the question is whether he’ll be there (please be there).  I think St. Louis will go Offense/Offense with their first round picks, giving Sam Bradford no excuse (until his inevitable Week 6 separated shoulder).  Defense should dominate the middle round of this draft.  Chicago would love it if Donald were still around, but if not, hybrid-stud Anthony Barr should fit perfectly in their defense.

Mock 3.0 (4 of 5)

Finally, Johnny Football finds a home in Arizona…but Teddy still sweats it out in the green room.  Justin Gilbert provides great value for Miami at #19.  The run on WR also begins…Philly would be wise to replace Desean Jackson with Marqise Lee (but wait, he’s from SoCal, aren’t they all gang bangerz???).

Mock 3.0 (5 of 5)

Wait…Teddy falls out of the first round???  It’s looking that way.  Roid Rage has him at #5…but he’s a whore for QBs, and also thinks Derek Carr could find his into the first round.  There’s a shot of beamer on that one, son!  New England jumps out at me as a team that would love to trade out of the first round and let someone jump back in to the first and maybe grab Teddy.  There’s a lot of depth to this draft, and many big names still left.

Mock Draft 3.0 (April 16, 2014)

We are a mere 3 weeks away from the eve of the 79th Annual NFL Players Selection Meeting (that’s the official name….Wikipedia bitches!)  This draft is going to have quite a few fireworks, particularly in the Top Ten.  There are a few blue chip studs that every team would like to roster (don’t buy the Jadeveon Clowney has never worked a hard day in his life reports one bit).  On the flip side, this draft is extremely deep.  There are terrific prospects to be had in the middle rounds.  There will be some teams that are aggressive and go get “their guy”; while others try their damndest to trade down and stockpile picks (here is looking at you, Hoodie).  Enough chit-chat, on to the picks…..Rev3_1-3

 Clowney would have been the hands down No. 1 pick in last years draft.  There isn’t a QB prospect worthy enough to pass on this guy.  As I stated above, I’m not buying into these made up negative claims about his work ethic; at the same time I’m not going to enshrine him in Canton before he even plays.

Sammy Watkins is a stud.  He dominated SEC competition at age 18.  If the Rams can’t pull off a trade, he should be the pick.  Picks 2 and 3 are up for grabs in terms of trading up.  In this scenario I have Atlanta trading up to the 3-hole to grab Mack.


Four picks in and I have two pass-rushers and two pass-catchers.  This is where the draft gets really interesting as the Jags, Browns, Raiders, and Vikings are QB-desperate (you could even make an argument for the Bucs as well).  Who starts the QB run?  How highly do teams covet these QBs?  Can they be had later in the first round?  Second round?  In my mock the Raiders get first crack.  I’ll let Teddy’s film speak for itself and try to erase his horrific pro-day from my memory (a few more huffs ought to do it).  Bridgewater gives them a chance.  He’ll have the opportunity to learn (how not to throw pick-6’s) from Matt Schaub.  Again, I have Atlanta and Jacksonville swapping picks in the first, so Bortles is a Jaguar in this scenario.  Sure, Gus Bradley would love to have Clowney or Mack on his defense, but this has got to be the most QB-needy franchise in the league.  Ebron and Donald continue to rise up my mock drafts (I had them at 23 and 25, respectively in Mock 2.0).  Ebron is a big-bodied, athletic mismatch.  It gives the Bucs a second option in the passing game after Vincent Jackson.  Minnesota is a complete wildcard.  I think they’d jump at the chance to draft Bortles and I think Norv Turner probably has a mild hard-on for Carr.  But is 8 overall too high for David’s kid brother?  I think so.  Then again: Matt Cassel, Christian Ponder.  Barf!  Mike Zimmer is a no nonsense, old school, defensive minded coach.  He grabs the disruptive interior force in Donald.  For the record, I think Jake Matthews and Greg Robinson are better prospects than any of the guys drafted last year (and there were 4 OTs drafted in the first 11 picks last year); so for the Bills and Lions to get them at 9 and 10 is great value.


Johnny Football ladies and gentlemen!  Whizz knows as well as anyone that you have to have a QB to win in this league.  Ginger keeps harping on the fact that if the Giants can protect Eli they will basically win the Super Bowl.  Fine.  Enter Taylor Lewan.  St. Louis grabs Watkins and Clinton-Dix.  Their roster is loaded with talent (thank you Dan Synder).  Will there be a QB with more pressure to succeed this season than Sam Bradford?  Chicago and Dallas are both searching for able-bodied defensive linemen; which means Jerry will probably end up draft a Guard.


 There are some serious playmakers available in the second half of the first round.  I love the player-team pairs for this group of picks.


I really think you’ll see Derek Carr go somewhere in this range. I know I keep harping on the depth of this class, but for a good reason, check out these notable missing prospects: Jace Aramo, David Yankey, Brandon Cooks, Ryan Shazier, Jordan Matthews, Stephon Tuitt, Cyrus Kouandjio.

Meet the best football player in Buffalo - including anyone on the Bills!

The Man!

Mock Draft 2.0

We’re almost one month away from the Draft (can you feel the excitement?!?).  Free agency is coming to a close, and draft boards are starting to take form.  You’ll notice some big changes from my Mock 1.0, due mainly to free agency and Roid Rage’s constant nagging that no RBs will be drafted in the first round.   

Anyway, on to the picks.  And thanks to our boys at KFFL for putting together the Draft Machine…we highly recommend you head over there and put one together.

KFFL Mock 2.0 (pt. 1 of 2)

Analysis:  For now, I got Jadaveon at #1.  He should be the #1 pick…but there are rumbllings Houston’s going to pick a QB.  Sorry, but there is no consensus #1 QB.  There is no Peyton Manning, Andrew Luck, or Cam Newton in this Draft.  You cannot reach with the number one pick, when you do, bad things happen (see Russel, JaMarcus).  Also, Sammy Watkins has flies up the board to #2, and if St. Louis can then grab a tackle #13, Sam Bradford will be the happiest man in the NFL.  Not sure about 3 QBs in the Top 10…I really think one of them will slip out of the Top 10.  Buffalo would be estatic if Mathews falls to them at #9.  G-Men will give a long hard look at Mike Evans and Eric Ebron…but if Lewan is sitting there, protecting Eli wins out. 

Ok, on to the second half:

KFFL Mock 2.0 (pt. 2 of 2)

Analysis:  Cowboys have to go DL, and would love it if Aaron Donald were still on the Board, but Timmy Jernigan isn’t a bad consolation prize.  Green Bay would bull rush the podium if Ebron falls to them…ditto with Philadelphia as Marquise Lee fits perfectly in Chip Kelly’s offense (and has no known gang affiliations).  If Cleveland goes QB at #4, they will have to go WR at #26 to give their newest bust savior a weapon to throw to.

Roid Rage sufficiently bullied me into having no RBs in the first round, but I’ll wager a shot of Beamer that one sneaks in.  Thank God we’ll have a Mock 3.0 next week.

Mock Draft 2.0

With free agency signings winding down and the misinformation machine in overdrive, we’re entering the final stretch of Mock Draft Season!  Below is my latest Round One Mock Draft put together using KFFL’s Mock Draft Machine.  In the category of Awesome-ways-to-kill-work-productivity goes, this is at the top of the list!  I highly recommend.

On to the picks………….

Thank you, KFFL!

Thank you, KFFL!

Analysis:  I know I’m not the only one that has had Clowney penciled in as the top pick for over a year now.  He is special.  It would take a QB prospect the likes of Andrew Luck for me to bypass Clowney.  In a league predicated on match-ups, Clowney and Watt on the same defensive front is borderline criminal!

I’ve got a combined 6 DL and LBs in the first half of this class.  That speaks not only to the depth of the position, but the premium placed on disruptive defenders.

Ultimately I think Mike Evans goes in the Top 10.  6’5″ – 231 lbs.  with 4.5s speed just doesn’t grow on trees.  The WR depth in this class is incredible.  There are going to be WR bargains to be had in the 2nd and 3rd round.

Round 1, Part 2 (Mock 2.0)

Ozzie Newsome and Ted Thompson continue doing what they always do: patiently wait for a super talent player to fall to them. Gilbert is in a dead heat with Dennard to be the first CB drafted this year.  He is a good get at 17.

Derek “you have to believe me, I’m way better than my brother” Carr makes it 4 QBs in the first round.

Like I said when I was shitting all over Ginger’s Mock 1.0, I’ll take the under on RB’s going in the first round this year.  And that’s not necessarily a knock on Hyde or Mason, both of whom I personally enjoy watching and think will be big time contributors at the NFL level, but more of a statement on the environment of the league today.  It’s a passing-first (second, and third) league.  QB, Pass-rusher, CB, OL and WR are much more valuable than running backs.  The Texans and Vikings have had the most productive running backs in the league for a few years in Arian Foster and Adrian Peterson, and they are both picking in the Top 10.

I'll take this guy and you can have the guy that has a good "work ethic"

I’ll take this guy and you can have the guy that has a good “work ethic”