Why the Patriots will win the Super Bowl

Let’s get it on!

Hi friends.  We’re back at it with full Super Bowl coverage.  Roid Rage will try to explain to you why the Rams will win the Super Bowl (you know, the team that doesn’t even belong there and has Todd Gurley at 60% health).  Good luck with that.  I don’t care how hot Sean McVay’s girlfriend is (which, for the record, is really hot), not even that will stop me from going with what we all know, whether we want to admit it:  the New England Patriots will win the Super Bowl.

But Ginger King, isn’t this a departure from your normal, anti-everything New England (except chowder, that shit’s delicious).  Yes, but I forgot to tell you my New Year’s resolution:

Embrace Evil.

Evil begets evil

Yes.  With Sith blood flowing freely through my veins, I can finally recognize and appreciate the greatness of the best football dynasty of all time.  It’s an unprecedented level of success.  Since the turn of the century, the Patriots have won the AFC East 16 times (including 10 in a row) with 5 Super Bowls.  All with the same Coach, same quarterback, and same plug and play receivers and cornerbacks.

I’m even moved by Tom Brady’s hype video:

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If you happen to be lucky…

A post shared by Tom Brady (@tombrady) on

The Patriots have been so good, for so long, that they need to invent their own problems.  TB12, Deflategate, awkwardly long mouth to mouth kisses with your children…the Patriots are that bored that they need to make shit up.  And here’s the latest:  that they’re the underdog.

Hands of an underdog.

Seriously.  Is anyone buying this?  Vegas was, for a hot second, when the Patriots were underdogs to Kansas City, you know, the new, high scoring team with a hot shot young quarterback (sound familiar?).  Well, that didn’t last long, and it didn’t take long for the Patriots to acknowledge it either.  The New England smugness was in full effect, just minutes after the AFC Championship Game.

And why were the Patriots thought of as underdogs, you ask?  Because [putting tinfoil hat on] they manufactured that message, too.  Yes, with a somewhat pedestrian regular season (by Patriot standards), the Patriots crafted this story line that they’re the underdogs.  That they don’t have the firepower they used to.  A muted Gronk.  That they’re too old, and a shell of their former selves.  Well, don’t believe it for a second.  Let’s break this down, shall we.

They don’t have the firepower they used to.

FALSE.  In fact, they have more firepower this year than last year.  Two words:  Julian Edleman.  Julian may not be thought of as one of the best receivers in the league, but that’s only because you’re not thinking hard enough.  Come playoff time, his numbers are HOF worthy.  Edleman is second in all-time playoff receptions (behind Jerry Rice) and only needs 45 yards to be second in all-time receiving yards (again, behind Jerry Rice).  And he didn’t play in the Super Bowl last year, as he was out with a knee injury.  With a healthy Edleman, Brady has his do everything receiver back.  And you heard it hear first:  Edleman will throw a touchdown pass.  We’re calling this the Patriot Special (suck it, Philly).

Muted Gronk

FALSE.  Sure, our favorite meathead/future Celebrity Big Brother had a career low 3 tds, a depressing 47 receptions, and oftentimes looked slow and broken down this season (check out the Miami Miracle and you’ll see what I mean).  But when it mattered, Gronk delivered.  Gronk went 6/79 against Kansas City.  Not spectacular, but he came through in the clutch.  On their game-winning overtime drive, 3rd and 10, Brady went to Gronk, who delivered on a 15-yard reception.  That was Brady’s last pass of the game.  And get this:  Gronk was targeted a team high (and season high) 11 times.  Translation:  Gronk’s Tide pod and Monster fueled body still has some gas in the tank.  And it comes at the right time, against the right team.

Chest bumps for everyone!

As tough as the Rams D is, they are vulnerable to tight ends.  During their Week 11 game against Kansas City, Travis Kelce went 10/127/1, with a team high 15 targets.  Gronk will present the same type of matchup dilemma.  It’s a matchup the Patriots will exploit, and Gronk should flourish, especially when lined out wide against a db.  Look for Gronk to lead the Patriots in targets (and fist bumps).

Too Old

FALSE.  This one’s hilarious.  The Patriots suffer from late 90’s/early 00’s Yankees syndrome (don’t say that in Boston, btw).  They’ve been so good, for so long, with such an obnoxious fucking fanbase, that everyone can’t wait for the next best thing to come along.  And that shiny new toy is the Rams…the new team in a new city with the youngest head coach in the NFL.  Sean McVay just turned 33 on Thursday (son of a bitch).  Bill Belichick is literally twice his age.  Jared Goff.  Todd Gurley.  Aaron Donald.  The next dynasty, generation of studs, best hope to beat the Patriots.

Yes, the millennials are here and, unlike every other scenario involving millennials, the whole country is rooting for them.  All of a sudden, the game has passed by the old ball coach.  The hoodie is old news.  Brady’s lost it.  Gronk’s lost it.  The dynasty is over.  Correction;  the dynasty is almost over.  Like Bobby Bacala, Sr. in the Sopranos, Belichick’s got one more hit in him.  One more trick up his sleeve.  They’re just that good.  Look for Bellichick to out-McVay, McVay, and call the games first trick play (e.g., fake fg/punt, trick play).

Think about the head to head comparisons.

Coaching:  Patriots

Quarterback:  Patriots

Receivers:  Patriots

Running Backs:  Push, although I can make a pretty good case this too should be the Patriots.  Sorry, but there’s no way Todd Gurley is at 100% and the Rams’ offensive strategy is to lean on CJ Anderson.  Not buying it.  Gurley had 4 carries for 10 yards against the Saints.  The Rams had 1 rushing touchdown against the Saints, and only 4 rushing touchdowns in the playoffs.  Contrast that with the Patriots, who have had 8 rushing touchdowns in the playoffs, led by rookie stud Sony Michel, who has had 5 rushing touchdowns…more than the entire Rams.

Defense:  Rams, but it’s a lot closer than you think.  The Rams are 31st –that’s right, second to last in the league – at points allowed per game, giving up over 32 points a game.  The Rams and Patriots are tied with 18 interceptions each, and the Patriots have caused more fumbles.  Sure, I’m cherry picking stats to make my case, (let’s not look at sacks or Aaron Donald, ok) but everyone’s acting like this Rams D is the second coming of the ’85 Bears.  Puh-lease.  Not even close.  And while there’s only ever been one ejection in Super Bowl history, look for hot head and dick-stomper Ndamakung Suh to double that total.

Apologies to everyone west of Massachusetts, but come Super Bowl Sunday, evil will prevail.  Evil will also cover the spread, as I love the Patriots at -2.5.  Sorry Rams, your fickle fanbase will soon go back to surfing and LeBron, and will forget that there’s even a team in LA, let alone two.  And Tom Brady will hoist his 6th Super Bowl trophy and go back home to his supermodel wife.  Evil is good.

Patriots:  34, Rams 28

Book the parade.

2018 Fantasy Football Rankings – QB

GOAT*
*except against NFC East in the Super Bowl

Rank Player Team
1 Aaron Rodgers GB
2 Tom Brady NE
3 Drew Brees NO
4 Russell Wilson SEA
5 Mathew Stafford DET
6 Deshaun Watson HOU
7 Andrew Luck IND
8 Matt Ryan ATL
9 Phillip Rivers LAC
10 Cam Newton CAR
11 Kirk Cousins MIN
12 Ben Roethlisberger PIT
13 Carson Wentz PHI
14 Jared Goff LAR
15 Eli Manning NYG
16 Jimmy Garropolo SF
17 Marcus Mariota TEN
18 Derek Carr OAK
19 Dak Prescott DAL
20 Patrick Mahomes KC
21 Andy Dalton CIN
22 Alex Smith WAS
23 Case Keenum DEN
24 Ryan Tannehill MIA
25 Blake Bortles JAC
26 Sam Darnold NYJ
27 Sam Bradford ARI
28 Tyrod Taylor CLE
29 Mitchell Trubisky CHI
30 Joe Flacco BAL
31 Josh Allen BUF
32 Jamies Winston TB

2018 Fantasy Football Rankings – RB

Rank Player Team
1 Le’Veon Bell PIT
2 Todd Gurley LAR
3 Ezekiel Elliott DAL
4 David Johnson ARI
5 Saquon Barkley NYG
6 Alvin Kamara NO
7 Kareem Hunt KC
8 Melvin Gordon LAC
9 Leonard Fournette JAC
10 Devonta Freeman ATL
11 Christian McCaffrey CAR
12 Dalvin Cook MIN
13 LeSean McCoy BUF
14 Joe Mixon CIN
15 Jordan Howard CHI
16 Derrick Henry TEN
17 Jay Ajayi PHI
18 Marshawn Lynch OAK
19 Mark Ingram NO
20 Jerrick McKinnon SF
21 Lamar Miller HOU
22 Jamaal Williams GB
23 Rashaad Penny SEA
24 Dion Lewis TEN
25 Carlos Hyde CLE
26 Tevin Coleman ATL
27 Chris Carson SEA
28 Alex Collins BAL
29 Royce Freeman DEN
30 Kenyan Drake MIA
31 Corey Coleman PHI
32 Gio Bernard CIN
33 Isaiah Crowell NYJ
34 James White NE
35 LeGarrette Blount DET
36 Sony Michel NE
37 Marlon Mack IND
38 Devontae Booker DEN
39 Theo Riddick DET
40 Latavius Murray MIN
41 Ronald Jones TB
42 Chris Thompson WAS
43 Ty Montgomery GB
44 Duke Johnson CLE
45 Rex Burkhead NE
46 C.J. Anderson CAR
47 Rob Kelley WAS
48 Darren Sproles PHI
49 Doug Martin OAK
50 Jonathon Stewart NYG

2018 Fantasy Football Rankings – WR

Can’t go wrong.

Rank Player Team
1 Antonio Brown PIT
2 Julio Jones ATL
3 DeAndre Hopkins HOU
4 Odell Beckham Jr. NYG
5 Michael Thomas NO
6 Keenan Allen LAC
7 A.J. Green CIN
8 Davante Adams GB
9 Mike Evans TB
10 Jarvis Landry CLE
11 Brandin Cooks LAR
12 Stephan Diggs MIN
13 Tyreek Hill KC
14 T.Y. Hilton IND
15 Allen Robinson CHI
16 Doug Baldwin SEA
17 Larry Fitzgerald ARI
18 Adam Thielen MIN
18 Amari Cooper OAK
19 Demaryius Thomas DEN
20 Danny Amendola MIA
21 Julian Edelman NE
22 Sammy Watkins KC
23 Robert Woods LAR
24 Golden Tate DET
25 Alshon Jeffrey PHI
26 Emmanuel Sanders DEN
27 Kelvin Benjamin BUF
28 Marquis Goodwin SF
29 Willie Snead BAL
30 Jamison Crowder WAS
31 Randall Cobb GB
32 Chris Hogan NE
33 Michael Crabtree OAK
34 Devin Funchess CAR
35 Sterling Shepard NYG
36 Cameron Meredith CHI
37 Nelson Agholor PHI
38 Will Fuller HOU
39 Cooper Kupp LAR
40 Jordy Nelson OAK
41 Pierre Garcon SF
42 Calvin Ridley ATL
43 Marvin Jones DET
44 John Brown BAL
45 Ju-Ju Smith Schuster PIT
46 Allen Hurns DAL
47 Corey Davis TEN
48 Maquis Lee JAC
49 Michael Gallup DAL
50 Josh Doctson WAS

2018 Fantasy Football Rankings – TE

Get some!

Tight end this year is boom or bust.  At the top end, there are guys that are essentially receivers, and can consistently put up big numbers.  After the Top 5, however, it’s hit or miss (draft strategy alert).  Therefore, if you’re not able to get one of the Top 5 TE, you’re better off waiting and taking a flyer on a guy like David Njoku or George Kittle.

Rank Player Team
1 Rob Gronkowski NE
2 Travis Kelce KC
3 Zach Ertz PHI
4 Evan Engram NYG
5 Greg Olsen CAR
6 Delanie Walker TEN
7 Jimmy Graham GB
8 Kyle Rudolph MIN
9 Jack Doyle IND
10 Jordan Reed WAS
11 Trey Burton CHI
12 David Njoku CLE
13 George Kittle SF
14 Charles Clay BUF
15 Tyler Eiffert CIN
16 OJ Howard TB
17 Ricky Seals-Jones ARI
18 Jared Cook OAK
19 Vance McDonald PIT
20 Austin Hooper ATL
21 Mike Gesicki MIA
22 Eric Ebron IND
23 Vernon Davis WAS
24 Hayden Hurst BAL
25 Ed Dickson SEA

Gronk or bust!

2018 Fantasy Football Rankings – D

Yeah you do.

Rank Team
1 Jacksonville
2 Houston
3 Minnesota
4 Los Angeles Rams
5 Philadelphia
6 Pittsburgh
7 Baltimore
8 Denver
9 Carolina
10 New Orleans
11 Los Angeles Chargers
12 New England
13 New York Giants
14 Arizona
15 Buffalo
16 Seattle
17 Atlanta
18 Kansas City
19 Green Bay
20 Tennessee

2018 Fantasy Football Rankings – K

 

Get some!

Drafting a kicker is usually an afterthought (don’t be that guy that drafts one in the 6th round), but getting the right one can make or break your season.  Last year, the difference in points between the top scoring kicker (Greg Zuerlein) and the 10th (Matt Prater) was 31 points, or roughly 2 points/game.

Rank Player Team
1 Stephen Gostowski NE
2 Greg Zuerlein LAR
3 Justin Tucker BAL
4 Will Lutz NO
5 Matt Bryant ATL
6 Jake Elliott PHI
7 Matt Prater DET
8 Dan Bailey DAL
9 Chris Boswell PIT
10 Mason Crosby GB
11 Graham Gano CAR
12 Daniel Carlson MIN
13 Robbie Gould SF
14 Stephen Hauschka BUF
15 Harrison Butker KC
16 Aldrick Rosas NYG
17 Josh Lambo LAC
18 Brandon McManus DEN
19 Dustin Hopkins WAS
20 Adam Vinatieri IND

The Machine’s Draft Day Drinking Game (2018 ed.)

Cheers!Can’t make it to The Machine’s Draft Day Party?  Well, that sucks for you.  But have no fear…we got your back.  “How can I make the Draft better?”, you ask yourself in amazement.  By playing The Big Red Sports Machine’s Draft Day Drinking Game.  It’s fun, it’s easy, guaranteed to impress the ladies, and you can play at home or at your favorite watering hole.  Here are the rules:

1.  Draft catchphrases.  There are certain phrases you only hear during the Draft.  Why?  We don’t know, but we love them.  For this reason alone, we give ESPN the slight lean over the NFL Network for your draft day coverage.  That, and, Kiper.  Duh, winning!

The following phrases are worth a shot of beer:

  • Raw talent
  • Off-the-field/character issues
  • Live arm
  • High motor
  • Straight line speed
  • Great Value/Upside
  • Dual threat
  • System quarterback
  • Pocket presence
  • Plays in the box (hey oh!)
  • Best player available
  • Intangibles or Measurables
  • War Room
  • New Regime
  • Read-Option
  • Edge Rusher
  • Gets to the Second Level
  • Quick feet
  • Plays in Space

New for 2018:

  • Fluid hips
  • Thick frame
  • Backside protector (hey oh!)

2.  Videos/references.  Each of these are beer-finishing worthy:

  • Reference to Mel’s hair
  • Player on-stage photo-op with family/entourage of 15+
  • Reference to Cleveland Browns front office ineptitude
  • First shot of Drew Rosenhaus in his newest client’s living room
  • First player to cry when their name is called
  • Reference to when Tom Brady was drafted (we’ll also accept Brady’s Combine picture)
  • Reference to Aaron Rodgers draft day slide
  • Video of Brady Quinn in the green room
  • Video of Bill Tobin’s infamous “who the hell is Mel Kiper?” interview during the ’94 Draft
  • And this:

3.  On the Clock Chug.  When your team is on the clock, you have to finish a full beer before the pick is called.  Note:  if your team trades down, they’re on the clock twice, meaning that’s two full beers.  Cowboy up, it’s the Draft!

Basically, if it doesn’t look like this, you’re doing it wrong…..

Beer Chug

Or this:

Beer Chug 2

Mock Draft FINAL (Ginger King)

Let’s get it on!

Round 1 Team Pick Position
1 Cleveland Browns Sam Darnold (USC) QB
2 New York Giants Saquon Barkley (PSU) RB
3 New York Jets Baker Mayfield (Oklahoma) QB
4 Cleveland Browns Bradley Chubb (NC State) DE
5 Denver Broncos Quenton Nelson (Notre Dame) OL
6 Indianapolis Colts Minkah Fitzpatrick (Alabama) CB
7 Tampa Bay Bucs Derwin James (FSU) S
8 Chicago Bears Roquan Smith (Georgia) LB
9 San Francisco 49ers Mike McGlinchy (Notre Dame) OL
10 Oakland Raiders Vita Vea (Washington) DT
11 Miami Dolphins Tremaine Edmunds (VA Tech) LB
12 Buffalo Bills Josh Allen (Wyoming) QB
13 Washington Redskins Da’Ron Payne (Alabama) DT
14 Green Bay Packers Calvin Ridley (Alabama) WR
15 Arizona Cardinals Josh Rosen (UCLA) QB
16 Baltimore Ravens D.J. Moore (Maryland) WR
17 Los Angeles Chargers Josh Jackson (Iowa) CB
18 Seattle Seahawks Denzel Ward (OSU) CB
19 Dallas Cowboys Courtland Sutton (SMU) WR
20 Detroit Lions Harold Landry (Boston College) DE
21 Cincinnati Bengals Frank Ragnow (Arkansas) OL
22 Buffalo Bills Marcus Davenport (UTSA) DE
23 New England Patriots Leighton Vander Esch (Boise St.) LB
24 Carolina Panthers James Daniels (Iowa) OL
25 Tennessee Titans Billy Price (OSU) OL
26 Atlanta Falcons Isaiah Wynn (Georgia) OL
27 New Orleans Saints Lamar Jackson (Louisville) QB
28 Pittsburgh Steelers Rashaan Evans (Alabama) LB
29 Jacksonville Jaguars Jaire Alexander (Louisville) CB
30 Minnesota Vikings Will Hernandez (UTEP) OL
31 New England Patriots Christian Kirk (Texas A&M) WR
32 Philadelphia Eagles Mike Hughes (UCF) CB

Instant Analysis:  Alright, alright, alright.  My final mock draft.  Changes galore.  A lot of noise about Baker to Cleveland at #1, but I just don’t buy it.  This has smokescreen written all over it, trying to get the Jets to trade up for Broadway Baker.  If Cleveland stays put, this pick has to be Darnold.  He’s the most complete package of all the quarterbacks in the Draft.  Maybe Roid Rage will have the balls to go with Baker (he’s still living off his fame of DHB at 7) but my money’s on the Browns picking the surest thing.

While I think the Browns will use smart money, I don’t think the Giants will.  Smart money says take Bradley Chubb, shore up your defense, and then take a running back in the second or third round.  However, I think the Giants are going all-in.  By that, I mean give Eli Manning the last remaining offensive piece for one more run (let’s be honest, Eli’s got 2 at least two years left, he’s 37 people, that’s not old (neither is 39, btw)).  Gettleman wants a gold jacket player…that’s Saquon.  Yes, yes, I know, you can find great value at running back in later rounds.  Le’Veon Bell (2nd Round), Shady McCoy (2nd Round), Alvin Kamara (3rd Round), and last year’s leading rusher, Kareem Hunt (3rd Round).  However, there’s also Todd Gurley, Ezekiel Elliott, and Leonard Fournette, all picked in the Top 10 and all of whom instantly elevated their team to the playoffs.  Yes, you could take Chubb, and then hope that Sony Michelle or Derrius Guice are there in Round 2.  But fuck it, throw caution (reason and logic) to the wind and roll them dice!

Can you imagine???

Elsewhere, both Josh Rosen and Josh Allen slip out of the Top 10, but not too far.  Bills Mafia will have no problems with Josh’s tweets, and will welcome him with open, drunken, arms.  Also, if the Bills can get Davenport at 22, that would be an ideal first round.  I think Arizona is as far as Josh Rosen will fall.  My concerns with him are less his millennial outlook on life (read: spoiled brat hated by his peers) and more about his injury history.  Two concussions in a year and shoulder surgery.  That’s what’s going to make him fall.

Wait, you mean people will hold you accountable for things you say online? I’ll be right back…

Ok folks, that’s it from me.  Time to go to my war room dive bar and get ready with some game tape chicken wings and Coors Light.  We’re hours away from the biggest (non-sporting) sporting event of the year!  We’ve been so geeked up about the actual draft, we forgot to even mention that it’s in Dallas!  You know Jerrah will spare no expense…at the very least expect a Rhinestone stage and (multiple) Elvis impersonators.

Mock Draft 4.0 (Ginger King)

Round 1 Team Pick Position
1 Cleveland Browns Josh Allen (Wyoming) QB
2 New York Giants Sam Darnold (USC) QB
3 New York Jets Baker Mayfield (Oklahoma) QB
4 Cleveland Browns Saquon Barkley (PSU) RB
5 Denver Broncos Bradley Chubb (NC State) DE
6 Indianapolis Colts Quenton Nelson (Notre Dame) OL
7 Tampa Bay Bucs Derwin James (FSU) S
8 Chicago Bears Trumaine Edmunds (VA Tech) LB
9 San Francisco 49ers Harold Landry (Boston College) DE
10 Oakland Raiders Minkah Fitzpatrick (Alabama) CB
11 Miami Dolphins Josh Rosen (UCLA) QB
12 Buffalo Bills Marcus Davenport (UTSA) DE
13 Washington Redskins Vita Vea (Washington) DT
14 Green Bay Packers Calvin Ridley (Alabama) WR
15 Arizona Cardinals Lamar Jackson (Louisville) QB
16 Baltimore Ravens Mike McGlinchy (Notre Dame) OL
17 Los Angeles Chargers Josh Jackson (Iowa) CB
18 Seattle Seahawks Denzel Ward (OSU) CB
19 Dallas Cowboys Courtland Sutton (SMU) WR
20 Detroit Lions Da’Ron Payne (Alabama) DT
21 Cincinnati Bengals James Daniels (Iowa) OL
22 Buffalo Bills Isaiah Wynn (Georgia) OL
23 New England Patriots Leighton Vander Esch (Boise St.) LB
24 Carolina Panthers Roquan Smith (Georgia) LB
25 Tennessee Titans Billy Price (OSU) OL
26 Atlanta Falcons D.J. Moore (Maryland) WR
27 New Orleans Saints Dallas Goedert (South Dakota St.) TE
28 Pittsburgh Steelers Justin Reid (Stanford) S
29 Jacksonville Jaguars Rashaan Evans (Alabama) LB
30 Minnesota Vikings Kolton Miller (UCLA) OL
31 New England Patriots Christian Kirk (Texas A&M) WR
32 Philadelphia Eagles Derrius Guice (LSU) RB

Instant Analysis:  Cleveland’s first pick has to be a quarterback, but which one?  Most people have either Darnold or Allen, but now there’s word that Cleveland is seriously considering Baker Mayfield.  They’ve done a really good job of managing the message and controlling the flow of information (don’t worry, they’ll have plenty of time to get it wrong in a couple days).  If Cleveland goes with Allen (or Mayfield – although I’m not buying it) then the Giants will have to take Darnold.  Roid Rage has me sold on Baker to the Jets (I mean, Joe Namath approves), and then I think the Josh Rosen slide begins.

Slide, slide, slippidy slide.

Elsewhere, offensive lineman should dominate the latter half of the first round.  Everyone’s talking quarterbacks (ladies love the long ball) but the hog mollies could be the real story in Round 1.  We’re continuing to monitor all draft news (tough job, I know) so check back later for more mock drafts, as well as our award-winning Draft Day Drinking Game (2018 ed.).