Ok, if you’re reading our Top 10 Fantasy Kickers list, one of the following statements is true:  (i) you’re a degenerate gambler (the Machine prefers “sports enthusiast”); (ii) you’re a family member of an NFL kicker, or (iii) you’re really into all things fantasy (saving up for Comic Con 2013 baby!).  Whatever your reason, the Machine likes it.  In fact, we know you’re reading this because drafting the right kicker matters.  Sure, a run on kickers usually starts in round 16 (of 16).  However, did you know the difference between the #1 scoring kicker last year (David Akers) and the #10 scoring kicker (Jason Hanson) was 51 pts, which equals to more than 3 pts each week (how many games did you lose by less than three points last year?).  That’s some knowledge you need to know.  Now, what you need to know is who the right kicker is.  We got you covered for that.  (FGM/FGA/50+/PAT).

1. Sebastian Janikowski (31/35/7/36).  Al may have been crazy for drafting him in the first round (17^th overall) of the 2000 Draft, but come on, was there any doubt he’d be a Raider.  We love Seabass.  What’s not to love about a 6’2” 250 lb kicker that drinks vodka for breakfast, loves to get in bar fights, and oh yeah, can kick the ball out of the stadium.  Dude’s got a left foot of gold.  He’s especially gold in leagues that give bonus points for 50+ yarders.  Seabass tied for the league lead with 7 (out of 10) 50+ yarders, including a 63 yard bomb.  He was also consistent…he only missed one FG under 50 yards.  In 2012, da Raiders should have a more potent offense , which equates to more field goals and PATs.  Kick some ass Seabass!

2. Rob Bironas (29/32/6/34).  Rob nailed 6 of 7 50+ yarders last year, and only missed 3 FGs.  We like the Titans to be able to move the ball a little better in 2012, but not that much better where they’ll be scoring a ton more touchdowns.  Look for the offense to breakdown in the red zone, as teams put 11 in the box and force Locker to throw (they’ll still run CJ on 3^rd and 6).  This translates into more FG opportunities for Rob.

3.  Stephen Gostowski (28/33/1/59).  While only making one FG longer than 50 yards, and missing 5 FGs overall, Gostowski made it up with 59 PATs.  The Pats will continue to score in 2012 at will, so look for Gostowski to maintain solid numbers.

4.  Robbie Gould (28/32/6/37).  Robbie was a perfect 6 for 6 from 50+.  That’s impressive, especially playing in the Windy City.  Da Bears should have no problems moving the ball, and Robbie should have no problems cracking the Top 5 in points.

5.  Dan Bailey (32/37/2/39).  As an undrafted rookie, Bailey came out of nowhere, nailing 32 FGs for the Cowboys.  He showed he can hang with the big boys.  The Machine likes youthful exuberance, and this 24 year old’s got a ton of it.  We also like the Cowboys offense, which should give Bailey plenty of opportunities to prove he’s worthy of a Top 5 pick.

6.  Mason Crosby (24/28/3/68).  Mason needs to get his attempts up, but that’s hard to do when the Pack score touchdowns all the time.  He easily led the league with 68 PATs, and the Pack’s offense should be just as potent.  Mason will always be in a position to score.

7.  David Akers (44/52/7/34).  Akers led all kickers last year in points, by a sizeable margin.  Why then, does the Machine have him 7^th overall?  Well, for starters, kickers never repeat as league leaders.  And, if you’re David Akers, you had the best year of your career, by far.  He made 44 FGs last year, which covers up the fact that he missed 8 FGs.  His previous career highs was 33.  He also turns 38 this year, which we know is young for a kicker, but still.  Even if last year was a fluke, with the greatest game-manager of all time at the helm (that’s not a compliment), Akers will get plenty of opportunities.  Just don’t be surprised if his numbers are a little south of where he was in 2011.  Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

8.  Neil Rackers (32/38/4/39). Playing with Houston last year, Rackers had a good season, finishing as the #8 kicker overall.  He can still nail it from downtown (4 of 5 from 50+).  Now with Washington and RGIII, look for Neil to put up similar numbers this year.

9.  Jason Hanson (24/29/5/54).  At the opposite end of the youth scale, Hanson just turned 42!.  He was drafted in 1992, you remember 1992, right?  The Colts took Steve Emtman #1 overall, and the Machine was an extremely awkward teenager.  Holy shit that was a long time ago.  Anyway, that 42 year old leg still has some juice, nailing 5 of 7 from 50+ yards.  Playing in a dome with a high-powered offense will help grandpa stay in the Top 10 for another year.

10.  Matt Bryant (27/29/2/45).  When in doubt, go with a dome kicker.  Although it makes absolutely zero sense why there’s a dome in Atlanta, Bryant’s not complaining.  Although he only took 2 50 yarders, he made them both, and only missed 2 FGs all year.

None of the positional group rankings have as clear-cut, unanimous number one as the wide receivers; enter Calvin Johnson.  MegaTron brought his talents to Mo’Town to the tune of 1600+ yards and 16 TDs (MVP type numbers for a WR) and many, many fantasy championships last year.  After MegaTron however it gets really interesting.  In both the real world and fantasyland, wide receivers are the most volatile skill position in the league.  Their success, as much as any position, is tied to a number of factors: offensive scheme, game-plan, quarterback, offensive line protection, etc.  Not only that, with the increasing number of 4 and 5 WR sets, more and more WRs are contributing (and becoming fantasy relevant).  Fortunately for you, The Machine is here to make sense of it all and tell you who will be the Top 10 WRs for 2012.  Getcha popcorn ready! (Rec/Yards/Rec TDs/Targets)

1. Calvin Johnson (96/1681/16/157) – The easiest positional player to rank in 2012; Megatron has established himself as the most dominate wide-receiver in football.  You can’t play up on him because he’s so physically strong he’ll run through you.  You can’t play off of him because he’ll run right by you.   He is a deep-threat and an absolute BEAST in the redzone. Your only chance is to roll coverage to his side of the field or assign two DBs to him.  And even then he can out-run, out-muscle, out-jump and outreach (82” wingspan) your coverage.  A signature Calvin Johnson play was Week 4 vs. Dallas. Early in the 4^th quarter, with the Lions down by 14, on a 1^st-and-10 from the Cowboys 24 yard line, Stafford throws a “jump ball” to the back of the end zone and with a safety draped all over him, ‘Tron out jumps a corner and an underneath linebacker for a TD.  Simply incredible.  Not only that, Megatron saved some of his best work for the playoff push, averaging 26+ fantasy points (non-ppr) from weeks 14-17.  Unless a team shows up with Optimus Prime as the defensive coordinator, there is no stopping Megatron. (Sorry, that will be The Machines only corny Transformers joke when it comes to Calvin, promise).

2. Andre Johnson (33/492/2/51) – God willing, ‘Dre will be on every single one of The Machines fantasy rosters this year.  He is an absolute match-up nightmare and is coming at somewhat of a discount due to the what-have-you-done-for-me-lately attitude that plaques so many fantasy owners.  AJs injury was a complete fluke last year.  Not only that, he rehabbed to the point where he dropped (13/201/2) in two playoff games last year…and that was with TJ Yates at the helm!  We’re not doctors (even though we proudly own a t-shirt that reads ‘Free Breast Exams’) or physiatrists for that matter, but The Machine has pretty strong intel suggesting AJ is completely healthy and motivated to prove he is still elite.  He’s got the talent, a steady offensive system, an adequate enough QB to translate into a 1300yrd/9TD season.  Get him!

3. Larry Fitzgerald (80/1411/8/152) – Meet Mr. Reliable.  It doesn’t matter how shitty of a QB Whizz marches out there – Kevin Kolb, John Skelton, Richard Bartel – Fitz continues to put up numbers.  The Machine doesn’t buy into the “he’s the hardest working man in football” routine; listen if somebody paid us $10M a year to catch footballs we’d work our asses off too!  But we can appreciate that Fitz’s conditioning is legendary and he has stayed relatively injury free.  Larry’s fantasy floor is incredibility high; however his QB (or lack there of) prevents his ceiling from reaching the top rank.  Draft Fitz with confidence, just try not to watch the boxscore, or let alone a Cardinals game if you don’t have to.

4. Greg Jennings (67/949/9/101) – Yes, we will take a piece of that Aaron Rodger pie thank you.  Okay, so that sounded really gay, but the point is that Jennings is tied to the best offense, the best quarterback and the best play-caller in football these days and that more than makes up for his lack of elite talent. Jennings is a smooth route runner and has the full trust of Rodgers.  Plus, the Packers can’t run the ball for a lick.

5. Hakeem Nicks (75/1183/7/129) – Most people will tell you that ranking Hakeem Nicks at #5 is too high.  Well, most people don’t win fantasy championships either.  Nicks is an absolute monster.  We’ve already confessed our man-crush on Brother Eli; and Nicks is on the receiving end of most of those Manning fire balls.  The Machine isn’t going to second guess Jerry Reese’s eye for talent.  He knew he had a stud in the making when he drafted him, and this will be Nicks “breakout” year.  Barring a setback from his rehab (on track for preseason), The Machine fully expects an 85/1300/10 type of season.  You’re welcome.

6. Julio Jones (54/959/8/94) – If you’re starting a keeper league this year there are three must-have players: Cam Newton, Trent Richardson and Julio Jones.  Jones is as physically gifted as they come.  Consider this: had Julio returned for his senior season (and had the type of season he is capable of) the Rams probably stay put and take him #2 overall in the 2012 draft.  He is that good.   Admittedly, he is a bit rough as a route runner, but he bursting with raw potential.  The Machine strongly feels he could have a TO-type impact (minus all the baggage) on the football field.

7. AJ Green (65/1057/7/112) – Speaking of the 2011 draft class, Green was selected two picks before Jones, but he ranks just behind Julio on our list.  We absolutely love the talent, skill set, route-running, catch-radius and potential to put up big time numbers.  Green will be a dominate force for years to come.  At this point in time, however, the Bungals offense isn’t as far along as Atlanta’s, and defenses will be keying on taking away Green.  They won’t have much success.  Plus, he has the ultra-reliable, dependable, cannon-armed, gun-slingin, good-looking Big Red Icon, Andy Dalton slinging him the rock, what’s not to love about that?! (We take care of our own!).

8. Wes Welker (122/1569/9/173) – This little shit never stops.  It seems like he’s targeted 29 times a game and catches everything (except during Super Bowl defining final drives that is).  He is an integral part of the New England Offensive Machine, and there is no reason to think he won’t catch 100 balls.  The touchdowns may be down a tick with Lloyd in town and their two-headed TE monster doing their thing, but you can always seem to pencil him in for 7 catches a game and solid yardage totals.

9. Roddy White (100/1296/8/178) – Roddy Roddy Roddy!  It speaks volumes to the depth of the receiver position this year when you have a guy that is coming off back-to-back 100+ catch (and 178 target) seasons as your #9 receiver.  As it sits now, The Machine just can’t get over the potential (and youth/stud factor) of the guys ranked above Roddy.  We would certainly have no qualms with Roddy as a WR1 on our squads this year, as Matty Ice and he have as strong a connection as any QB-WR combo in the league.  But there could be a slight regression in his numbers as the offense (and Julio Jones) evolves.

10. Percy Harvin (87/967/6/119) – Percy, bro, you’re not going anywhere.  With AP nicked up you are the only juice that offense has left!  The Machine loves versatile players that play angry and have imaginary headaches to get out of practices; and guess who fits that description?  Ding, ding, ding.  Percy is a jack-of-all trades, master of most! To go along with the listed stats, Percy also had 520 return yards, 1 return TD, 345 rushing yards (on 52 attempts) and 2 rushing TDs.  It certainly took offensive coordinator Bill Musgrave long enough to figure out how to utilize Harvin; he only had 43 targets in the first half of the season compared to 76 in the second half.  With AP on the mend, the “migraines” under control and the O-coordinator on board, it could be a monster season for Harvin.

People ask the Machine all the time:  when should I draft a TE?  The answer, much like the answer to “is she hot” and “do you think I have a shot” is:  it depends.  Most Fantasy Football “experts” will tell you not to draft a TE until at least Round 5.  That’s sooo 2005, and the Machine is here to call bullshit on that outdated thinking.  Like Shakira’s hips, the numbers don’t lie.  The new-age TEs have become an integral part of the passing game…and are more than just big, dumb meatheads that block and occasionally run the seam.  In some cases they are the first option in the offense (see 49ers, San Francisco).  In fact, 4 of the Machine’s Top 10 are from the c2010 Draft.  Fact: top flight TE’s should be viewed as #1 WRs.  Here are the Machine’s Top 10 TEs for 2012 (Receptions/Yards/TDs).

1.  Rob Gronkowski (90/1327/17).  Gronk had more TDs than Megatron, and more receptions than Fitz.  Case closed.  Always thought of as having first round talent, Gronk dropped to the second round in 2010 due to injury concerns.  However, in his first two years in the league, he’s never missed a game, proof that the NFL has the best trainers (and access to pain meds) in all of sport.  Whatever the reason, he’s Tom Brady’s go to target in the red zone, and an integral part of the Pats offense.  Look for Gronk to reign supreme as your 2012 TE fantasy champ.

2.  Jimmy Graham (99/1310/11).  There was a lot of hype about Jimmy at the beginning of last year, and he more than backed it up.  Jimmy thing finished #3 in receptions, in the entire fucking league, trailing only Wes (“token”) Welker (122) and Roddy White (100).  Perhaps even more impressive, Jimmy led the pass-happy Saints in receptions, yards, and tds.  Another year in that high octane offense should only further increase his role.  You heard it here first:  Jimmy will top triple digits in receptions this year.  Jimmy and Gronk are in a class by themselves.

3.  Jermichael Finley (55/767/8).  Jermichael was finally healthy for an entire season, and backed it up with some solid numbers.  Although there are several TEs that had more productivity in 2011, 2012 is all about projecting baby…and the Machine likes what Jermichael’s selling…we also like saying Jermichael, it’s right up there as one of the top made up names that begin with “Jer” (a close second to Jermajesty Jackson).  Anyway, Jermichael, if healthy, should shine in 2012.  With Donald Driver taking on even less of a role, Jermichael is definitely the #2 passing option behind Greg Jennings.  And, because the Packers rotate so many WRs in and out, he’s going to be on the field more than Jordy Nelson or James Jones, leading to more balls going his way on a consistent basis.  Certainly not on the level of Gronk or Graham (now is where you start drafting a TE in Round 5) look for Jermichael to have a dramatic increase in production, surprising many, but not the Machine or its loyal fan base.

4.  Jason Witten (79/942/5).  You simply can’t go wrong with Witten on your team.  What’s not to like about him (except that he’s a Cowboy)?  He puts up consistently solid numbers, has only missed one game his entire career (and that was back in 2005) and he’s Tony Romo’s best friend.  That bromance leads to action (on the field of course).  While his numbers were down compared to the two previous seasons where he caught 94 balls and had 1,000+ yards each year, he’s still Tony’s “roommate” on road trips, and that close, plutonic bond should continue to produce solid fantasy numbers, and whispers in the locker room.

5.  Vernon Davis (67/792/6).  Vernon blurs the distinction between TE and WR, probably more so than anyone on this list.  Not just because he has the speed and route running ability of a WR along with the power of a TE on his chiseled 6’3”, 250 lb frame, but also because he’s a diva, which is traditionally reserved only for WRs.  Sorry Vernon, but there’s no crying in football, unless you’re Dick Vermeil or a WR, and Vernon’s post-game crying after catching the winning touchdown against the Saints is more T.O. than Vermeil.  Don’t forget he was banished to the locker room DURING A GAME.  Also, do a google image search for Vernon Davis and you’ll see just how into himself he is…either that, or he doesn’t realize he has enough money to buy a shirt.  While this would normally get him top diva honors on most teams, Vernon ranks #3 on the niners in that regard (behind Randy Moss and wanna-be Randy Moss Michael Crabtree).  Whatever, you’re not drafting for personality, you’re drafting for results, and although Vernon had career lows in receptions, yards, and tds in 2011, he’s still the best receiver (and athlete) on the 49ers offense, and even with Alex Smith at the helm, Vernon should get his.  Look for Vernon to get back to his usual stats, roughly high 70’s/900/10.

6.  Brandon Pettigrew (83/777/5).  The Machine is a big Pettigrew fan.  He had a banner 2011, with career highs in receptions, yards, and tds.  He has the talent to be a top 3 TE.  The only thing holding him back is Megatron, who (rightfully) is the first, second, and third option, especially in the red zone.  From a fantasy perspective, this makes it unlikely for Brandon to crack double digit tds, which is what separates the great from the good.  Still, there’s plenty of balls for him to catch in that offense, and he seems to have developed good chemistry with Stafford.

7.  Jermaine Gresham (56/596/6).  Jermaine should improve upon his 2011 stats.  With Jerome Simpson no longer flipping over folks (or slinging the rock) in Cincinnati, Gresham becomes the #2 passing option behind dynamo A.J. Green.  One knock on Jermaine is durability…he’s yet to play a full season.  If healthy, the sky’s the limit.  There’s a good, young, offensive nucleus in Cincy, think of them as a poor man’s Detroit Lions (did you ever think you’d say that?).  What this amounts to is greater involvement, and production, from Jermaine.

8.  Tony Gonzalez (80/875/7).  At age 97 (ok 36 but still that’s fucking old for a TE) you would think Tony would break down by now.  I get it.  He’s old.  How old?  Well, when he came into the league (1997), the Machine was in college, Bill Clinton had yet to be blown by Monica (we think), and the number one song was Mo Money Mo Problems.  That’s how old Gonzo is.  However, the dude doesn’t break down.  Out of a possible 240 regular season games, he’s played in 238.  And he hasn’t slowed down like so many of his contemporaries.  He’s been with Atlanta for three years, and has averaged 77/799/6.  Oh, and he hasn’t missed a game as a Falcon.  Look for Tony go have a 2012 similar to his three year average.  Not bad for a dude born during the Carter administration.

9.  Antonio Gates (64/778/7).  For sure the best undrafted TE of all-time, for years Antonio has been at the top of the fantasy TE list.  However, although he’s 4 years his junior, Antonio is the anti-Tony Gonzalez.  Injuries have taken toll (he hasn’t played a full season since 2009), and Antonio should no longer be thought of as a top flight TE.  Notwithstanding, he’s still a good TE and, when healthy, a very productive one.  The Machine sees him coming into the twilight of his career.  Age, plus injury concerns, means you’ll soon be talking about the games on Sunday instead of playing in them.

10.  Aaron Hernandez (79/910/7).  Hernandez not only bookends the Patriots on this list (something that before last year would be unheard of) but he rounds out the solid class of 2010 TEs, along with Gronk, Jimmy, and Jermaine.  He makes the Top 10 even though he’s the #2 TE on his team (again, something that’s unheard of).  Don’t let that scare you too much.  The Patriots do things differently because they can, and Hernandez is in line to put up solid numbers again.  He hasn’t played a full season yet, and that’s pause for some concern, but Tom Brady loves to spread the ball around, so, if healthy, he should have no problems putting up solid numbers.