Tuesday Teabag, September 25

As much as we’d love to carve the name ‘John Abraham’ into a freshly lacquered Tuesday Teabag Award for his double obstruction dandy last night, we can no longer endorse the 4 million pound gorilla hanging from our flat screen TV every Sunday, Monday and Thursday: The Replacement Referee’s.  These guys have run away, in Usian Bolt fashion, with the title of biggest idiots on TV; which is no small task considering the field includes ESPN’s First Takers, the Kardashian trainwreck, and The Peoples Court participants! 

Listen guys, we had your back, we really did.  It was but two weeks ago that we carpet bombed the NFL announcers for their relentless critique of every call/non-call.  And while the games didn’t have the same flow to them, by and large they were tolerable.  We can live with the ball being miss-spotted occasionally; or with defensive backs mugging receivers beyond 5 yards; or coaches getting extra timeouts and replay reviews; or a few unnoticed chop blocks; or receivers and quarterbacks getting their heads taken off without a flag.  Hell, it’s kind of like watching a game from the 70’s.  BUT we have to draw the line with last night’s game-deciding “simultaneous possession” horseshit!  What are you jackasses looking at?!  Okay, Golden Tate’s pass interference was overtly blatant, but I can see swallowing the whistle on that.  But how the hell can you tell me Jennings didn’t cleanly intercept that ball only to have Golden Taint throw an arm around him after he was down?! Get up off your knees, you guys blew this game.  Maybe this gig wasn’t all you thought it was be cracked up to be and you gave yourself an out.  Or maybe you just really are in over your heads and this was bound to happen and will continue to happen as long as you’re on the field. 

Bottom line, we need to go back to hating on the regular referees as soon as possible.  Roger, I know there are few things in life as thrilling and satisfying as crushing a union, but these ass clowns are turning the shield into a California dumpster fire.  End the insanity!  Until then, we can’t promise that these dickholes won’t win multiple Teabag Awards.


Tuesday Teabag, September 18: Coughlin or Schiano?

A weird thing happened to The Machine this weekend.  As The Machine held its weekly meeting at the Golden Clam, it discussed candidates for this week’s Tuesday Teabag.  Surrounded by bad techno and serious daddy issues, The Machine discussed the end of the Giants/Bucs game, and agreed the Teabag winner was there.  However, for the first time ever, The Machine was at odds with itself.  Ginger King felt that Greg Schiano was the clear douche bag, while Roid Rage felt that Tom Coughlin should take the crown.  A debate ensued which resulted in no resolution.  So, The Machine left the Clam a few dollars short and with a little less self-respect (but surprisingly feeling better about itself) and decided to take this argument to you, our loyal fans.  Enjoy.

Roid Rage:

Hey Tommy C., slide over those two Super Bowl trophies to make room for your newest piece of hardware, the Tuesday Teabag Award!  Thanks for the get-off-my-lawn moment this weekend old man; new school football is here to take names and kick ass.  Actually, this really isn’t a new approach at all; every coach on every level of every sport preaches hard, clean play until the game is over.  Hell Coach, you’ve got a sign in the Giants training facility that reads: “Play for 60 minutes”, not “Play for 59:55 minutes”, not “Play until the other team is going to kneel the ball”. Play. For. 60. Minutes. 

Tampa Bay, down by only ONE score, with 5 seconds left and the ball on their own 30 yard line, countered the Giants “victory formation” by lining up in what appeared to be a goal-line defense.  It was as clear as day that they were going to fire off the line in the hopes of causing a fumble, recovering said fumble and thereby giving themselves a shot at the endzone.  You can’t play the injury card in this case;Tampa’s defensive ailment indicated they were bringing the house; if the Giant offensive linemen weren’t ready that is on them (and the coaching staff).  In fact, Schiano has had a degree of success with this very play; recovering 4 fumbles during his tenure atRutgers.  Had the Bucs been successful he’d be considered a genius.  And if this play even has a success rate of 1% why wouldn’t you give it a try?! 

The forward pass. The flea-flicker. The fake punt. And now the Victory Formation Mad Dog Blitz!  Mr. Schiano, I commend your forward thinking approach! 

Ginger King:

Listen up.  Tom Coughlin (Coach Coughlin or sir to you) may be 20 years his senior, but there’s no doubt he’d whup the shit out of Greg Schiano…and then run a marathon and drink raw eggs and motor oil.  Remember when the G-Men won the Super Bowl in 2007, the NFC Championship Game in Green Bay.  Minus 24 with the wind chill, NFL players (the toughest men in sports) bundled up from head to toe.  What did Coach Coughlin have covering his face?  Nothing.  Nada.  Why?  Because covering up’s for pussies.  Tom Coughlin is the Chuck Norris of NFL Coaches.  Which reminds me, there once was a street named after Tom Coughlin, but it was quickly changed because nobody crosses Tom Coughlin and lives.

That includes you Greg Schiano.  Look, I get it.  Is there an actual rule that says you can’t dial up an all out blitz when the game is clearly over?  No, of course not.  But that doesn’t mean it’s not a dick thing to do.  In fact, it’s probably the most shameless, pathetic, low life move you could do.  And to sit there and try to defend it after a night’s sleep makes it even worse.

Make no mistake about it.  The.  Game.  Was.  Over.  The Giants, because they are a classy organization, lined up in Victory Formation (something Tampa isn’t used to doing so I can understand your confusion).  Take the loss like a man and go home.  Instead, you pull a classless move that had 0, yes 0, chance of success.  You say you had success with that atRutgers???  First, were any of those situations similar to Sunday and did they result in you winning the game (don’t bother looking up the answer…it’s no).  Second, you’re not playing Syracuse anymore.  You’re in the big leagues.  Act like you belong there.

Just like running up the score and bunting to break up a no hitter, the Bitch Blitz should be added to the list of dick moves in sports.  And if you still disagree with Coach Coughlin, please meet him in the parking lot at 5:00 (actually 4:55 if you want to be on time).  He’ll be sure to change your mind the old fashioned way. 

Enjoy the Teabag award.  It’s the only thing you’re going to win inTampa. 

Roid Rage:

I do believe the confusion is on your end.  First, you must be confusing Greg Schiano with a coach that gives a fuck about your “right way” approach.  Second, you must be confusing Mr. Schiano with some pussy ass coach that couldn’t fight his way out of a wet paper bag (I’m looking at you Philbin!).  Schiano is the Ed Hochuli of head coaches! Hulk Hogan is jealous of Schaino’s pythons!  Coach C can’t even keep his offensive linemen from fucking his daughter; you think old red face would be able to man up against the New Jersey Bulldog?! Please!

Moving along.  Do you know what sucks about baseball (other than Bud Selig)?  The unwritten rules. Oh, you can’t steal third base in the 7th inning if they just switched pitchers and the wind is blowing out to left field and your clean-up hitter is batting over .300 in the series.  What?!?  I watch football because there are no unwritten rules.  Line your ass up, play until the whistle blows and never give up.  Black and white.  No reason to throw a hissy fit because your million dollar Citzen Eco watch model fell on his ass! 

Lean your head back, open wide, insert teabag!

Ginger King:

Perhaps using a baseball analogy was, like Mitt Romney’s 47% speech, not elegantly stated.  Let me try again.  Have you ever seen this done in the NFL before?  Answer:  no.  Case closed.  And believe me, there is no shortage of d-bag head coaches in the NFL’s storied history (Bill Belichick, Rex Ryan, Steve Spurrier (hard to believe he was an NFL coach), any coach of the Cowboys or Raiders).  None of these ass clowns tried to pull a move like Schiano.  The only thing similar is back in 2010 when Sal Alosi, the Jets strength and conditioning coach, tripped a Miami Dolphin during a punt return.  Universally, that was regarded as a cheapshot.  Illegal?  No sir.  If you watch the replay, he was behind the white line, so technically he did not violate a rule.  However, what happened to our dear friend Sal?  He was suspended for the rest of the season for his classless, unsportsmanlike act.

Here, this is worse.  It’s not some meathead strength coach…it’s the head coach.  You’re the guy that’s supposed to be above all the petty, low brow, cheapshots.  You’re supposed to instill discipline, not encourage reckless behavior.  How can you teach a bunch of men respect when you yourself have none?

And you think being from Jersey scares Tom Coughlin?  Tom Coughlin doesn’t flush a toilet, he scares the shit out of it!  Ghosts sit around a campfire and tell Tom Coughlin stories. 

Open up and say ah, here comes your teabag!


And there you have it folks.  So, who deserves the Tuesday Teabag Award?!  Since we’re already covered in glitter and not getting anywhere with this debate, we’re heading back to The Clam to “clear our minds!”


Tuesday Teabag, September 11

NFL Announcers

Yes, this is the first teabag that goes to an entire group of people.  Why, do you ask?  First, stereotyping is fun.  Second, and arguably more important, if you watched any of the games on Sunday (for the record, if you didn’t watch at least 3 games while constantly checking your fantasy score(s), then you’re on the wrong website) you no doubt noticed the constant talking about replacement referees.

Look, we get it.  Nobody likes the replacement refs.  There’s actually talk that (gasp!) a female referee was among these scabs.  However, listening to the announcers on Sunday, plus all the pre and post game shows…yes, we watch those too, much to the amazement of Mrs. Machine (“you already watched and know the scores of every game, why do you need to see highlights set to music?”) every time a flag was thrown or a call was made, it was questioned in the booth as to whether it was legit or not.  None more annoying than the cut shot to Mike Pereira during the Seahawks/Cardinals game.  Ok, the Seahawks got an extra time out.  Big fucking deal, it didn’t affect the game at all.  Listening to Sam Rosen and Heath Evans (FYI there’s a reason these fuckers are calling the Seahawks/Cardinals game) you’d think the scab refs were running around clueless.

When did the regular referees get put on pedestals that can do no wrong?  Remember when the refs got the coin toss wrong on the Lions/Steelers Thanksgiving overtime game?  Pretty sure the scabs didn’t get that wrong over the weekend.  There are countless other times the “real” refs messed up.  In fact, instant replay was created to erase the human error made by the “real” refs.

Listen, nobody wants to see Ed Hochuli and his guns back on the field more than The Machine, but it’s such low hanging fruit for the announcers to complain and question every time the scab refs make a call, and equaling annoying when they patronize a correct call.  Just shut up and call the game.  If it’s going to be like this every week, then this labor dispute needs to end now.  Until then, The Machine will boil with rage every time Kenny and Moose dissect a holding call.

Happy Opening Kickoff Day!

The Machine hasn’t been this excited since Draft Weekend!  Tonight’s game is a microcosm of the 2012 season; it’s chock-full of storylines, drama, hope, rivalry, despair and Tony Romo!  Here are some random thoughts that are keeping us from getting any kind of actual work done today:

  • The replacement referees certainly have taken a beating during the preseason and rightfully so.  But just how bad are they really?  If you didn’t know they were ‘replacement’ referees would you be placing every call under a microscope?  Less we forget the real referees make terrible, game altering calls on a regular basis too.  These replacements aren’t immune to the scrutiny and media blood bath.  The last thing they want to be is Thursday morning’s headline.  Our prediction: they swallow the whistle for the last 4 minutes and let the players play.
  • We like David Wilson’s chances of scoring a touchdown fumbling in this one.  This kid is electric a fumbler.
  • Jason Spleen won’t suit up for this one.  In fact we don’t like his chances for Week 2.  In fact, if at all possible try to move him in your fantasy league; we just don’t see him finishing in the top-15 this year.
  • Vegas has it Giants -3.5.  That sounds about right.  There are a lot of people out there claiming the Cowboys will win because the Giants don’t play their best football until their back is against the wall; evident by 3-1 record down the stretch last year to finish at 9-7 and their subsequent Super Bowl run.  The Machine doesn’t buy it.  While the G-men certainly embrace the ‘must-win’ edge, this veteran group will have no troubles getting up for the season opener against Jerry’s Boys.
  • The real battle to watch is in the trenches.  Can the Cowboys offensive line open holes to get De Murray going early?  Can they give Romo time to throw against the best pass rush in football?
  • JPP O/U 1.5 sacks.  OVER
  • Prediction: Giants 27 Cowboys 23