A weird thing happened to The Machine this weekend. As The Machine held its weekly meeting at the Golden Clam, it discussed candidates for this week’s Tuesday Teabag. Surrounded by bad techno and serious daddy issues, The Machine discussed the end of the Giants/Bucs game, and agreed the Teabag winner was there. However, for the first time ever, The Machine was at odds with itself. Ginger King felt that Greg Schiano was the clear douche bag, while Roid Rage felt that Tom Coughlin should take the crown. A debate ensued which resulted in no resolution. So, The Machine left the Clam a few dollars short and with a little less self-respect (but surprisingly feeling better about itself) and decided to take this argument to you, our loyal fans. Enjoy.
Hey Tommy C., slide over those two Super Bowl trophies to make room for your newest piece of hardware, the Tuesday Teabag Award! Thanks for the get-off-my-lawn moment this weekend old man; new school football is here to take names and kick ass. Actually, this really isn’t a new approach at all; every coach on every level of every sport preaches hard, clean play until the game is over. Hell Coach, you’ve got a sign in the Giants training facility that reads: “Play for 60 minutes”, not “Play for 59:55 minutes”, not “Play until the other team is going to kneel the ball”. Play. For. 60. Minutes.
Tampa Bay, down by only ONE score, with 5 seconds left and the ball on their own 30 yard line, countered the Giants “victory formation” by lining up in what appeared to be a goal-line defense. It was as clear as day that they were going to fire off the line in the hopes of causing a fumble, recovering said fumble and thereby giving themselves a shot at the endzone. You can’t play the injury card in this case;Tampa’s defensive ailment indicated they were bringing the house; if the Giant offensive linemen weren’t ready that is on them (and the coaching staff). In fact, Schiano has had a degree of success with this very play; recovering 4 fumbles during his tenure atRutgers. Had the Bucs been successful he’d be considered a genius. And if this play even has a success rate of 1% why wouldn’t you give it a try?!
The forward pass. The flea-flicker. The fake punt. And now the Victory Formation Mad Dog Blitz! Mr. Schiano, I commend your forward thinking approach!
Listen up. Tom Coughlin (Coach Coughlin or sir to you) may be 20 years his senior, but there’s no doubt he’d whup the shit out of Greg Schiano…and then run a marathon and drink raw eggs and motor oil. Remember when the G-Men won the Super Bowl in 2007, the NFC Championship Game in Green Bay. Minus 24 with the wind chill, NFL players (the toughest men in sports) bundled up from head to toe. What did Coach Coughlin have covering his face? Nothing. Nada. Why? Because covering up’s for pussies. Tom Coughlin is the Chuck Norris of NFL Coaches. Which reminds me, there once was a street named after Tom Coughlin, but it was quickly changed because nobody crosses Tom Coughlin and lives.
That includes you Greg Schiano. Look, I get it. Is there an actual rule that says you can’t dial up an all out blitz when the game is clearly over? No, of course not. But that doesn’t mean it’s not a dick thing to do. In fact, it’s probably the most shameless, pathetic, low life move you could do. And to sit there and try to defend it after a night’s sleep makes it even worse.
Make no mistake about it. The. Game. Was. Over. The Giants, because they are a classy organization, lined up in Victory Formation (something Tampa isn’t used to doing so I can understand your confusion). Take the loss like a man and go home. Instead, you pull a classless move that had 0, yes 0, chance of success. You say you had success with that atRutgers??? First, were any of those situations similar to Sunday and did they result in you winning the game (don’t bother looking up the answer…it’s no). Second, you’re not playing Syracuse anymore. You’re in the big leagues. Act like you belong there.
Just like running up the score and bunting to break up a no hitter, the Bitch Blitz should be added to the list of dick moves in sports. And if you still disagree with Coach Coughlin, please meet him in the parking lot at 5:00 (actually 4:55 if you want to be on time). He’ll be sure to change your mind the old fashioned way.
Enjoy the Teabag award. It’s the only thing you’re going to win inTampa.
I do believe the confusion is on your end. First, you must be confusing Greg Schiano with a coach that gives a fuck about your “right way” approach. Second, you must be confusing Mr. Schiano with some pussy ass coach that couldn’t fight his way out of a wet paper bag (I’m looking at you Philbin!). Schiano is the Ed Hochuli of head coaches! Hulk Hogan is jealous of Schaino’s pythons! Coach C can’t even keep his offensive linemen from fucking his daughter; you think old red face would be able to man up against the New Jersey Bulldog?! Please!
Moving along. Do you know what sucks about baseball (other than Bud Selig)? The unwritten rules. Oh, you can’t steal third base in the 7th inning if they just switched pitchers and the wind is blowing out to left field and your clean-up hitter is batting over .300 in the series. What?!? I watch football because there are no unwritten rules. Line your ass up, play until the whistle blows and never give up. Black and white. No reason to throw a hissy fit because your million dollar Citzen Eco watch model fell on his ass!
Lean your head back, open wide, insert teabag!
Perhaps using a baseball analogy was, like Mitt Romney’s 47% speech, not elegantly stated. Let me try again. Have you ever seen this done in the NFL before? Answer: no. Case closed. And believe me, there is no shortage of d-bag head coaches in the NFL’s storied history (Bill Belichick, Rex Ryan, Steve Spurrier (hard to believe he was an NFL coach), any coach of the Cowboys or Raiders). None of these ass clowns tried to pull a move like Schiano. The only thing similar is back in 2010 when Sal Alosi, the Jets strength and conditioning coach, tripped a Miami Dolphin during a punt return. Universally, that was regarded as a cheapshot. Illegal? No sir. If you watch the replay, he was behind the white line, so technically he did not violate a rule. However, what happened to our dear friend Sal? He was suspended for the rest of the season for his classless, unsportsmanlike act.
Here, this is worse. It’s not some meathead strength coach…it’s the head coach. You’re the guy that’s supposed to be above all the petty, low brow, cheapshots. You’re supposed to instill discipline, not encourage reckless behavior. How can you teach a bunch of men respect when you yourself have none?
And you think being from Jersey scares Tom Coughlin? Tom Coughlin doesn’t flush a toilet, he scares the shit out of it! Ghosts sit around a campfire and tell Tom Coughlin stories.
Open up and say ah, here comes your teabag!
And there you have it folks. So, who deserves the Tuesday Teabag Award?! Since we’re already covered in glitter and not getting anywhere with this debate, we’re heading back to The Clam to “clear our minds!”