All Arrest Club – 2012 Edition

Not only does the Machine provide you with cutting edge, expert analysis, but we can also see the future (if the Machine’s bookie is reading this post, just kidding, we’re just lucky).  Anyway, you don’t really need a crystal ball to know the following:  lots of NFL players get arrested, and will continue to get arrested.  In fact, as I’m writing this post, Elvis Dumerville just posted bail after what sounds like a pretty sweet bender in Miami.  Aggravated assault with a firearm…way to represent the U!  And T.O. may be headed to the pokey for failing to pay child support (note to all professional athletes:  Wrap it Up!).  So, since training camp is still weeks away, there’s plenty of time for the shenanigans to continue.  Thus, here are the Top 5 players likely to get arrested during the 2012 season (per the Ray Lewis Rule, the end of the season for purposes of this exercise is the morning after the Super Bowl).  Feel free to add your favorites in the comments.

**UPDATE**  Obviously unhappy at being left off the list, within 24 hours, Dez Bryant and Marshawn Lynch were arrested.  Dez for shoving his mom at a family BBQ and Marshawn for DUI.  Don’t forget, Beastmode also pinballed a lady off his Porsche while in Buffalo, so he does get some props (and likely suspension) for being a repeat offender.  Keep it up fellas, you’re well on your way to being on the Machine’s mid-year arrest review list.

**UPDATE 2** Proving that character concerns in college lead to character concerns in the pros, Kenny Britt was popped for a DWI (DUIs are for pussies) at 3:30 am Friday (7/20) morning.  Britt gets extra points because, allegedly, he was stopped while trying to access an army base with a female soldier.  There’s nothing wrong with giving back to the troops, but when it involves a suspension (release?) from your employer, maybe you should just wear a flag pin.

**Update 3** Aaron Berry, CB for the Lions (shocker).  Berry, who hails from the rough streets of Harrisburg, PA, was arrested for assualt on 7/21.  This on the heels of his June 23 arrest for suspicion of DUI.  If you’re keeping score at home, Berry has more arrests than career INTs.  Thus, don’t be surprised if the Lions release Berry, and use this opportunity to show the world they are holding players responsible for their actions (translation: we only hold underperforming players responsible for their actions).

5.  Adam Jones, CB, Cincinnati Bengals.  Yes, this is probably the lowest hanging fruit of all time, but come on, how does Pac not make this list?  He’s only 28, but has the arrest record of seasoned criminal.  What’s truly impressive is that he’s still in the league.  Only playing in 8 games last year, Pac’s interceptions and fumbles recovered matched Bluto’s GPA in Animal House (0.0).  Complicating matters, Pac just got hit with an $11 million judgment for his role in Make it Rain night in Vegas.   With a base salary of only $950,000, Pac will need to supplement his income.  The Machine predicts an arrest for (i) a night job as a Street Pharmacist and/or (ii) a “misunderstanding” with a stripper (yes, we’re actually calling the arrest on this one).  However, we’re giving Pac the benefit of the doubt (sort of) by listing him #5.  With his recent life-coaching to NFL rookies at the Rookie Symposium (which followed Tim Tebow’s Snitches get Stitches talk) maybe he’s turned a corner…or maybe he needs another story to tell next years’ rookies.

4.  Rob Gronkowski, TE, New England Patriots.  Big, oafy, white meatheads in the club are just asking to get arrested.  Enter Gronk, who dazzled us with his post-Super Bowl loss dance moves.  If it weren’t for football, Gronk would be a cast member on Jersey Shore or a professional Spring Break attendee.  He’s got Disorderly Conduct written all over him

3.  Richie Incognito, OG, Miami Dolphins.  Widely regarding as the biggest d-bag in the NFL, it’s truly a surprise to learn that Richie has yet to be tased by law enforcement.  He seems like a guy who has trouble separating his game-time persona with is off-the field persona.  All this leads to a Friday’s employee with a broken nose (“I said no onions on my burger mother fucker!!!”).

2.  Brandon Marshall, WR, Chicago Bears.  Marshall’s definitely got the “it” factor.  What it factor is that you say?  Ability to create separation from DBs (check).  Big physical route runner (check).  He’s got it all, but he also has one special trait that puts him #2 on our list.  He’s got the crazy.  Brandon’s got a list that makes Pacman blush.  Assaulting a police officer at Denny’s (check), returning stolen bed sheets to Burlington Coat Factory (check), a slew of domestic violence incidents (check), DUI (you know it).  He’s also been stabbed by his wife, who sounds like she’s got her own case of the crazy.  This really doubles his chances of getting arrested.  Brandon (or his agent/PR team) claims to suffer from borderline personality disorder (“BPD”) (seriously).  Look, the Machine’s no doctor, and we don’t really want to rag on someone with a legitimate medical condition.  However, medical degree or no medical degree, we’re not aware of any illness whose symptoms include multiple (alleged) assaults, violence towards women, and problems with alcohol.  If that’s the case, the entire NBA, and fans of country music, suffer from BPD.

1.  Nick Fairley, DT, Detroit Lions.  Why would Nick Fairley, who was arrested twice in two months this year (April for weed and May for driving triple digits in his Escalade), risk getting arrested again.  Well, Nick takes the coveted spot as #1 for a couple reasons.  One, he’s a Detroit Lion.  The Lions, while quickly gaining respect as a football organization (the Millen years almost caused irreparable damage) are also piling up the arrests.  They make the ’09 Bengals look like a Boy Scout Troop.  Two, it’s obvious there is little, if any, institutional control in Detroit.  With bat-shit crazy teammate Ndamukung Suh anchoring the d-line alongside Fairley, the Machine guesses these two have a competition to engage in all sorts of nefarious activities.  Three, well, simply put, good things come in threes.  While Nick missed going three for three with an arrest-free June, there’s still plenty of time in the calendar to prove the Machine right and bring home the triple crown (bonus points if the third arrest is something new).  The Machine’s money is on a post-Thanksgiving Day game fight at a club.  You got this in the bag Nick!

5 thoughts on “All Arrest Club – 2012 Edition

  1. What has Dez Bryant got to do to crack the list?! What, skipping out on a $350k jewelry bill; bitch slapping a mall cop and fisticuffs with Lil Wayne wasn’t balla enough?

    Okay. Dez took this piece as a personal snubbing and promptly gave his auntie a beat-down at the Bryant Family BBQ. Bitch had it coming, said Irvin wore the 88 better!

    When our friends at News 8 DeSoto reached Dez for comments he said “I’m good, I’m good” and added, “but the ribs were a little dry.”

  2. True, leaving Dez out seems to be a travesty…he’s doing all the right things and should be appropriately recognized for his off-field contributions. The hardest part was narrowing the list down to 5. Hell, you could do a top 5 rookies to get arrested (calling Janoris Jenkins). The possibilities are endless.

  3. ***UPDATE 1.1***

    According to sources, Dez’s mother, Angela Bryant (yes, I too was half shocked they have the same last name)will not press charges. Instead she will continue to defraud and extort her golden goose until it stops laying eggs, and/or is cut by the Cowboys!

  4. Pingback: Big Red Sports Machine » Tuesday Teabag, August 7

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