It’s go time!!! 12 teams enter, 1 team leaves. Who will that team be? Well, we’re getting a little ahead of ourselves. The important question is: who can we bet on to win today’s games? Now you’re talking. The Machine has the answers you need to get you through the playoffs.
Cincinnati at Houston (-4.5)
A rematch from last year’s wild card round, the Bengals march in to Houston to once again try to dethrone the Texans. Last year, the stars were aligned for a Bengals victory: Schaub was hurt, putting then rookie TJ Yates behind center. However, Andy Dalton, our favorite football ginger (sorry Shayne Graham) threw three picks, and the Texans won easily 31 to10.
This game should be more competitive that last year. The Bengals have quietly put together a solid 10-6 season, and Dalton may be the most under the radar QB in the league (proof that the NFL doesn’t want a ginger QB to succeed, right Rush?), throwing for 27 tds and nearly 3700 yards. A.J. Green is a stud, and Jermaine Gresham provides a great safety valve. On defense, the Bengals are also pretty complete. Proving once again that character concerns are for pussies, the Bengals took a huge risk on Vontaze Burfict this year, but it paid off HUGE, as Vontaze led the team with 127 tackles and 0 arrests. Shit, Pacman Jones didn’t get arrested this year, which makes The Machine wonder if the Bengals actually lock up their players on off days or shut down every strip club in Ohio.
However, despite all these positives, the Bengals are run in to a Texans squad that is healthy, hungry, and playing with a huge chip on their shoulders. The playoffs are all about balance, and no team has better balance right now than the Houston Texans. Schaub is healthy, and Foster and Andre Johnson need to introductions. Andre Johnson had a monster year, and only got better as the season went on, averaging 10/130 over the past three games. On defense, the Texans are legit, led by JJ Watt and his 20.5 sacks. The Texans are well-balanced throughout their D, with Watt on the line, Cushing at LB, and Kareem Jackson at CB.
While the Bengals will put up a better fight than last year, they’re still a year away from making a serious playoff run. The Texans, meanwhile, are ready to win now. They run the best play-action in the game, so look for them to burn Cincy on a few long plays. The Texans are just too much to handle, and Ginger Nation waits another year for a Ginger QB in the Super bowl (any chance Peyton can dye his hair?)
Texans 24, Cincinnati 17.
Minnesota at Green Bay (-7.5)
A rematch from last week, Minnesota and Green Bay play each other for the third time this year. They split the regular season series, and the Vikings are getting no respect, coming in to Green Bay at more than a touchdown underdog.
That’s a lot, considering the Vikes have Adrian Peterson and his non-human knee. AP has torched the Pack this year, averaging a ridiculous 204.5 yards per game. AP alone will keep the Vikings in this game. That’s good because, besides Peterson, the Vikes have a collection of overachievers and no names on offense. Who thought Kyle Rudolph and Michael Jenkins would become receiving threats? Percy Harvin has talent, but a #1 WR needs to put up more than 677 yards. However, it all falls on Christian Ponder. The Packers should put 11 in the box to stop AP. If Ponder can get in a rhythm, it will force Green Bay to play a more balanced scheme, which will open up lines for AP.
Green Bay is perhaps the most unbalanced team in the playoffs, ranking 20th in the league in rushing and 9th in passing. They have no running game and a Defense that gives up big plays. Having said that, they also have Aaron Rodgers, and what they lack in balance they make up in explosiveness. Rodgers loves playing the Viking, averaging 325.5 yards against the Vikings this year. The Pack will need to rely on their passing game, because their running game is suspect at best, led by Alex Green and his 464 yards (0 tds). Rodgers is second on the team in rushing with 259 yards (2 tds). On defense, the Packers do just enough, ranking 11th in the league in passing and 17th in rushing. This middle of the road defense won’t kill you, but it certainly won’t make game-changing plays.
Each team has their flaws, but the advantage goes to the Packers. The home team won each game this year, and look for that to continue tonight. This game will be close, but the nighttime crowd at Lambeau Field (note: on The Machine’s bucket list) will give the Packers the energy they need to move on. Take Minnesota with the points.
Green Bay 31, Minnesota 27.
**Update**
Christian Ponder is not playing. Instead, Joe Webb will be leading the charge. Now, the Vikings deserve no respect. Thus, disregard everything that’s written above: the Pack easily win by double digits.