Tuesday Teabag, March 5, 2013 – Franchise Tag Edition!

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Yesterday was the deadline for NFL teams to utilize the Franchise Tag.  The Franchise Tag basically allows teams to retain the exclusive rights to one (1) unrestricted free agent (UFA) every off-season;  in return for losing the ability to become a free agent, the player will receive the average of the top five (5) salaries for their position.  You can bang it here for more information regarding the nuances of the tag designations.

The important thing to remember is that the Franchise Tag has been collectively bargained as part of the labor agreement between the NFL and the NFLPA.  It gives teams the ability to retain young, up-and-coming talent or fan-favorite veterans.  From the union’s point of view, it compensates tagged players with the top earners at a given postion, while allowing a majority of UFA’s the ability to hit the open market.  Further, a Franchise Contract, albeit for one-year, is fully guaranteed!

However, if you were to believe the players and media, the Franchise Tag is an evil instrument that the good ‘ol boy owners/GMs use to repress the players.  Every offseason, a majority of “tagged” players take to the media/interviews/twitter to lament the franchise tag.  For instances, when The Machine took a break today from image searching Kate Upton, we stumbled upon an article by Alex Marvez on Fox Sports website titled: Let’s Meet the NFL’s Unlucky Eight.  Marvez takes up the players (read: agents) argument that the eight (8) tagged players “aren’t getting the financial security that comes with long-term contracts”, and are therefore “unlucky”.  Huh.  Isn’t Top-Five NFL money financial security in and of its own right?!  In a league without guaranteed contracts, isn’t signing the dotted line knowing that you’re getting every single penny worth something?!

Here are the “Unlucky Eight” with their projected 2013 salary, in millions of dollars (2012 salary in parenthesis):

  1. Randy Starks, DT $8.45 ($5.0)… 69% raise
  2. Jarius Bryd, S $6.92 ($1.07)… 547% raise
  3. Henry Melton, DT $8.45 ($0.69)…1,125% raise
  4. Pat McAfee, P $2.98 ($1.32)… 126% raise
  5. Ryan Clady, OL $9.83 ($5.83)… 69% raise
  6. Anthony Spencer, LB $10.6* ($8.86)… *20% automatic raise from second consecutive tag.
  7. Michael Johnson, DE $11.2 ($1.62)…617% raise
  8. Branden Albert, OL $9.83 ($4.19)…  135% raise

That is a nice group of players, no doubt.  It is easy to see why teams choose to lock these guys up for at least another year in hopes of working out a long-term deal.  However, outside of Jarius Bryd, you could make a strong argument that none of these guys are Top-5 at their respective position.  Henry Melton is a good young player that really came on for the Bears defense last year.  He is a reliable starter for sure, with potential to turn into a star.  That said, he only had 6 sacks last year and has never had more than 7 in a year (2011).  Not exactly the type of player you “game plan” for.  Yet, he’ll be making $8.45 million (fully guaranteed) this year.  That’s more money than his entire rookie contract paid him.  Seems like “fair” and “financially securing” type of money for one years work.  Further, if Micheal Johnson tears a peck five games into the 2013 season, while registering a handful of sacks and playing up to his typical level of play do you mean to tell us an NFL franchise isn’t going to throw a ton of money his way as a 2014 free agent?!  How did that (exact scenario) work out for Mario Williams last year (sidenote: Micheal Johnson is nowhere near the player Williams is, yet.  But the point is still valid)?  Teams (the smart ones anyways) sign players for their remaining production/potential, not for what they’ve previously accomplished.

Listen, The Machine is all about athlete’s cashing in and getting as much money as they can.  Their careers are ridiculously short, we get it.  But no matter how you slice it, the Franchise Tag isn’t a bad deal.  In every case it represents a (significant) pay raise and establishes a players  “floor value” for future negotiations;  because any good agent is going to use the “franchise type player” line when they get a chance.  Oh, which reminds us of this tiny little did you know: agents of players that receive the franchise tag are not allowed the full 3% commission on the contract.  They are only allowed to charge 2%, and in a second consecutive tag situation (like Anthony Spencer above) the agent is only allowed 1.5%.  Which begs the question, is the root of the hatred for the tag bore at the sports agent level and publicly reflected through the players?  Regardless, the franchise tag should be embraced by the players as a means of getting paid like one of the top players in the league!  Until that day, we offer a nice warm Tuesday Teabag to all of you Franchise Tag haters!  Enjoy!

Tuesday Teabag – February 26, 2013: D. Bryant

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If a tweet is worth 140 characters and a picture is worth 1,000 words than please tell me, how much is a mug shot worth?!  Nick Nolte is still cashing in on his rather infamous photoshoot(s) with the popo; but he may have to relinquish his title as king of the batshit craziest mug shot, because there is a new sheriff in town……

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That my friends is (are you ready for this) UNRESTRICTED free agent, HARVARD graduate, NFL starting defensive tackle Desmond Bryant.  Not to be confused with deadbeat mom-beater Dez Bryant of the Dallas “Get Loaded and Drive Home” Cowboys.  Sidenote: Dez was real quick to take to twitter to proclaim is innocence and detail his alibi.  Moral victory Dez, we get it; your time will come soon enough you ticking time bomb you!

But back to our friend, Desmond.  Dude, we’ve all been there (chances are, if you’re reading this blog you’ve been there more than once…..this month).   In fact, while you’re out there busting your ass each Sunday on the gridiron, The Machine is putting in a full days work at a local watering hole trying to get to the exact state you were in when the above picture was taken.  Eyes glazed to the point they look soulless; tongue so dry that you can’t bother keeping it in your mouth any longer; so disheveled that your clothing becomes an afterthought.  Hell, this bender was so rich you couldn’t even bother with some bling, a hat, or even with a proper shave.  Well done boss.

As for the crime, well, according to the LA Times, you were arrested “on a misdemeanor charge of criminal mischief after allegedly causing a commotion at a neighbor’s house while inebriated.”  Translation:  your hammered ass stumbled through your neighbor’s backyard, dropping some freestyle rhymes while kicking over their Mary-in-a-bathtub lawn decoration and dropping a deuce in their pool.  Again, we’ve all been there!  And we’ve all got that noisy bitch neighbor who is trigger happy with the 911 speed dial.  That’s why, in the same vein as Co-MVP’s, The Machine has decided to name your neighbors as Co-Teabag Award recipients.  They certainly could have helped the big fella to his house, gotten him tucked into bed and even scored a few game worn jerseys out of the whole ordeal.  That could have been a real win-win for your (not so close-knit) community.  Or course, the rest of us would have missed out on your gem of a mug shot, so I guess we owe those Debbie Downers an ounce of gratitude for that.

Sure, the photograph is embarrassing and all, but here is the real bitch of it.  Depending on who you ask, the average NFL career is between 3.5 years (DeSmith) and 6 year (RG1). Either way, it’s a very small window to make bank.  A majority of players will only get one opportunity to hit free agency and negotiate a second, and financially significant, contract.  Prior to your photo shoot, you had some decent negotiating power on your side.  In the last four years you suited up for 63 out of 64 games; registered 124 tackles, 11.5 sacks and 3 forced fumbles.  The last two season you’ve flashed some ability as a dependable, starting defensive tackle.  I think you could use Kendall Langford’s deal last offseason as a base: 4 years $24M, with $12M guaranteed.  Of course, that was before this…..

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Now, tell me, what GM and what Owner wants to hand this guy $12-15M, guaranteed?!  It’s not that fact that you got blitzed (pun intended) and kicked your neighbor’s poodle.  It’s the timing of it that has cost you (and your agent) millions of (easy) free agency dollars!  This is such a brutally simple concept that NFL (and all professional athletes presumably) don’t comprehend.  Surround yourself with people who won’t let you do dumb things (or at least are willing to take the fall for you) until your playing days are over!

But I guess it has earned you mad respect in the mug shot community.  The Machine hopes that in a few years you and your neighbors will be able laugh at this whole story; but until then, enjoy your Teabag Award!

Tuesday Teabag – February 19, 2013 – Josh Hamilton

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With football over, it’s time to focus on the misgivings of other athletes (for the counterpoint to the Teabag, check out our BOB).  This week, it’s none other than Josh Hamilton, the can’t miss/can’t miss a bar/found Jesus/loves the rock/doesn’t love the rock/just a matter of time before he falls off the wagon (again) kid.  You can say Josh had a pretty good offseason, signing a five year, $125 million dollar contract with the Angels.  But this goes to show you…even gobs of money won’t stop you from acting like a fool.

Josh, not content with looking at his bank account, found time to throw his old team, the Texas Rangers, and their fans, under the bus.  Josh complained that Dallas really wasn’t a baseball town, and that the fans are spoiled.  Now, these comments alone aren’t really eye-raising.  Sure, they’re dickish, but sometimes it’s ok to be dickish to your former employer.  However, there are rules for doing so.

If you were shunned and/or pushed out by your former club, then it’s ok.  No one gives Kevin Youkilis shit for ragging on the Red Sox.  Also, if your former Manager was Bobby Valentine, you get a lifetime pass.  But in Josh’s case, it’s different.

Josh was once the number one overall pick in the 1999 MLB draft for Tampa Bay.  However, he never realized his potential, primarily because he smoked and drank everything within a ten mile radius of the clubhouse.  Out of baseball, Josh returned in 2007 for one year with Cincinnati, and then parlayed that into five solid years with Texas…getting to two World Series and winning the AL MVP in 2010.  Sure, he had a couple of missteps (read: relapses) during those five years, but the Rangers stuck with him.  And that’s why he should kiss the ground they (and their fans) walk on.

Josh is just another example of talent trumping character…but even that has its limits.  Josh became a hero in Dallas because they stuck with him and waited for him to realize his potential…that, and averaging more than 28 homers and 101 RBI will do it.  We’re suckers for a feel good story of perseverance and conquering addictions.  Texas could have easily cut him during one of his mini-benders and no one would’ve batted an eye.  Sure, someone else would’ve given him (another) chance, but not to the tune of five years, $125 million.

No one should be thanking their old team more than Josh.  Seriously, for his introductory press conference in LA, he should’ve worn a throwback Nolan Ryan Angels  jersey and thanked his old boss for giving him the chance to become a star.  Instead, he shows his true colors by immediately turning his back on those who supported him the most.  After his comments went viral, Josh (read: his publicist) was quick to issue the “taken out of context” line the next day, but The Machine’s not buying that.  Query:  has the “taken out of context” line ever worked?  The Machine’s willing to bet it’s as successful as the “I didn’t realize that was your sister” line.

The Rangers already had a bad taste in their mouth from you based on your 0-4 (with two strikeouts) performance in the wildcard game last season (your last game with Texas).  This just pours salt over the wounds.

Without the Rangers, he’s likely tits up in some seedy motel getting tatted (again) or worse.  We’re hoping he has a solid support system in LA (Dr. Drew’s close by) and stays off the sauce.  We’re also hoping he learns some humility.

Step 1 is denial.  Step 2 is a teabag.

Badge of Badass – Daniela Holmqvist

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A new segment in The Machine’s ever expanding bag of tricks, we present to you the Badge of Badass, a/k/a the B.O.B.  What’s a Badge of Badass?  Well, it’s pretty self-explanatory.  While The Machine loves its Tuesday Teabags (and let’s be honest, it’s more fun to make fun of people) there are times when people do extraordinary things and should be duly recognized for their efforts.  So, from time to time, The Machine will hand out BOBs.  Still having trouble figuring out what qualifies for a BOB?  Read on.

The Machine’s inaugural BOB goes to Daniela Holmqvist, a 24 year old Swedish rookie on the LPGA.  Daniela was qualifying for the Australian Open on Tuesday and, while on the fourth hole, gets bit on the ankle by a black widow spider.  Yes, a fucking black widow, which looks like this, and for more fear inducing pictures, click here (The Machine just wet himself a little).

Daniela, with her leg swelling up, does something astonishing, instantly becoming a legend.  Channeling her inner MacGyver, she takes a golf tee, and slices open her leg to drain the poison out.  “A clear fluid came out,” Holmqvist said.  “It wasn’t the prettiest thing I’ve ever done but I had to get as much of it out of me as possible.”  Amazingly, she then finished her round, shooting a 74 and failing to qualify for the Open, but her efforts were by no means a failure.

This is one of the most courageous and fearless acts in all of sport…add in the fact that it’s a young, Swedish, female golfer (we’ve yet to Google image search her yet but are willing to bet she’s blonde and attractive) and this makes it very similar to a reoccurring dream of The Machine (minus the deadly spider bite).

Seriously, our modern day athletes are, by and large, self-absorbed prima donnas.  The days of Ronnie Lott telling the trainer to cut off his finger so he can go back in the game are long gone.  We have athletes complaining of hang nails, getting injured moving boxes and playing Guitar Hero.  Shit, LeBron won’t even play in the dunk competition because he’s too much of a pussy.  But Daniela deserves props for her incredible actions.  She also deserves a sponsorship from Black Widow golf grips and spikes.  Come on guys, that’s a no brainer.

Anyway, congrats Daniela on your BOB, and best of luck on the rest of the season.  You’ve got a new fan in The Machine.

Tuesday Teabag, February 12, 2013 – College Basketball Rankings

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There are certain truisms The Machine lives by:  Only good things happen with Coors Light, snitches get stitches, and if she fucks on the first date, don’t marry her.  These well-tested foundational elements of life are true 100% of the time, unlike stereotypes, which are only true 90% of the time.  You can imagine our horror then, when these guarantees fail us.  It shakes us to our core, and causes us to question everything.

Up until last week, The Machine had another truism it swore by:  if you’re the #1 team in the country and lose, you’re no longer the #1 team in the country.  Sounds simple right?

Last week was a crazy week in College Basketball.  4 of the top 5 teams and 6 of the top 10 teams lost.  The Top 5 teams were (in order):  Indiana, Florida, Michigan, Duke, Kansas.  All of them lost, except Duke.  Not only did Indiana lose but they lost to unranked Illinois.

However, imagine our shock/horror/rage, when The Machine opened up Monday’s paper and saw the new top 5:  Indiana, Duke, Miami, Michigan, Gonzaga.  Indiana’s still #1?  How is that possible?  Did they get participation points?  How can you lose (to an unranked team no less) and still be considered the number one team in the country?  And, to make things even more ridiculous, how does Illinois not crack the top 25?  You’re telling me Colorado State, with that thrilling win over (unranked) Nevada, gets to break into the top 25 but not a team that beat #1?  It makes no sense.

These rankings are, to be professional about it, total horseshit.  They’re completely arbitrary, not like that infallible BCS computer ranking system.  Seriously, what purpose do they serve?  They’re no longer a barometer for placement in the NCAA tourney…RPI, BPI, conference tournaments, and Joe Lunardi have taken that over (seriously, he calls himself a Bracketologist).  So what, then?  National pride for your school?  Bragging rights?  Maybe.

Perhaps they do/did serve some purpose, but not anymore.  Being #1 in the country means nothing, other than you’re probably going to lose.  For the past six consecutive weeks, the #1 team lost, and for the first five weeks, that also (logically) meant they lost their #1 ranking.  Two weeks ago, when (then) #1 Michigan lost to (then) #3 Indiana it dropped Michigan to #3 and propelled Indiana to #1.  If losing to the #3 team in the country knocks you out of first place, how does losing to an unranked team not?

We’re either in an unprecedented year of basketball parity, or the people ranking these teams are clueless (“hey, which Big Ten/ACC team you want to make #1 this week?).

Point is, even with parity, if the rankings are to have any meaning, they have to have real consequences and rewards.  Thus, The Machine thinks the following should happen, ASAP:  if the #1 team loses, they automatically drop to (at least) #10, and there they can claw their way back to the top.  Falling to #3, or in Indiana’s case, remaining #1, has no real consequences at all.  Likewise, if you’re unranked and you beat a top 10 team, you’re in the top 25.  This gives hope to teams that pull off a huge upset, like Illinois, who also beat #18 Minnesota last week, yet are still on the outside looking in.

Rankings need to send a message, and that message shouldn’t be the “if you had fun you won” mantra that’s currently being taught to our children and ruining our sports culture (seriously how am I going to bet on my son’s little league games if they don’t keep score)?  By providing real rewards and consequences, the rankings would all of a sudden become relevant again.  The season’s long enough where a team that drops from #1 to #10 can still fight their way back to the top, and by rewarding teams more, it keeps the rankings fluid, allows more teams a chance to get in the top 25, and gives them momentum.

It makes so much sense, that it will never happen.

Tuesday Teabag, February 5, 2013 – Post-Super Bro™ Hangover

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Yes, the worst day after the Super Bowl is Tuesday.  Not Monday…Monday you’re too hung over to care and still pissed that you were this close to winning the final numbers on your squares (was that safety really necessary?).  Yup, it’s Tuesday, when you’ve sobered up, stopped burping chicken wings and taco dip, that it hits you:  Football’s over.  It’s a horrible feeling…an empty void that can’t be replaced.  It’s like your favorite pet gets killed every February. 

Not to get too overdramatic, but what do you do with your life now?  Well, for starters, you can focus on other things…like the Draft (80 days and counting).  And, you still have us, and we’re not done with the Super Bro™ yet.  So, because we’re not ready to let go, here’s our analysis of the Super Bro™, Teabag-style.

Jim Harbaugh.  Dammit Jim, The Machine was pulling for you.  We knew the Ravens had that look of destiny to them, eerily reminiscent of last year’s New York Giants…they had an up and down regular season, were beset by injuries, had a quarterback many refused to call elite, and were underdogs throughout the playoffs.  We knew that, yet still picked the Niners to win (although did pick the Ravens ATS) because you had that crazy look to you.  On a scale of 1 to bat shit, you registered a solid bat shit.  So, we thought your bat shit crazy (what real journalists would call passion or tenacity) would trump destiny.  The balls of steel you displayed by starting C-Kap and taking the read option to the next level would be too much for Baltimore to handle.  You were the sexy pick…the Fifty Shades of Gray.  It felt right.  So good.  We wanted more…we needed more…give it to us (splashes cold water on genitals).  Umm…moving on.

So, imagine our disgust when, with the game on the line, first and goal at the 7, you shed your Fifty Shades zipper mask and go straight up missionary style:  First down, run LaMichael James (2 yards), second down, incomplete pass to Crabtree, third down, incomplete pass to Crabtree, fourth down, incomplete pass to Crabtree.  Worst of all:  no pistol formation.  No creativity.  In short:  no crazy.  This can only be chalked up to an epic failure on your part.  Forget the holding call…you lost when you lined up goal line formation.  Your crazy is a fine line:  when you win, you’re lauded as a hard-nosed fighter that coaches with his heart on his sleeve.  When you lose, those same antics turn you in to a whining, sniveling, little brother that runs to tattle tale on big brother and creates excuses why it wasn’t your fault.  Listen up little bro, that loss is on you.

Randy Moss.  The (self-proclaimed) greatest receiver ever had two receptions for 41 yards, no touchdowns, and is now 0-2 in Super Bowls.  FYI, Jerry went 5/77/1 in has last Super Bowl, and is the only player ever to catch a touchdown pass in 4 different Super Bowls. #respectJerry

Ray Lewis.  The Machine wasn’t so much rooting for the Niners as we were rooting against you.  Everything you (read: your PR people) have attempted to achieve in the past dozen years rebuilding your image is bullshit.  Sure, it’s going to get you a cushy network job at ESPN, but at the end of the day, you covered up the murder of two men, have 6 kids with 4 different women (#wrapitup), and allegedly used illegal PEDs.  You can’t hide from deer antler spray gate.  Despite your vehement denials, if it is your voice on tape, you will (finally) be exposed for the fraud you are.  We’ll give you 6 years (one year after you get in the HOF) to publish your tell all book, where you’ll finally come out and bare your soul.

Commercials. As a whole, the commercials sucked.  Despite what the left tells you, the Volkswagen commercial is not racist, it’s just not funny.  Bar Refaeli making out with the 30 year old virgin is weird, and is anyone going to drink Bud Black Crown? (no).  Best commercial goes to Taco Bell and the old people breaking out of the nursing home. 

Beyonce.  Despite what the right tells you, Beyonce nailed the halftime show.  #girlgotgame.  Although The Machine will continue to question the use of fireworks in a dome, her performance was by far the best in a long time.  Hopefully, the geriatric halftime shows of the past few years (Madonna, Paul McCartney, Tom Petty) are over, although The Machine is already starting a campaign for Jovi to play the halftime show next year in Giants stadium.

So there you have it…a collection of Super Bro™ teabags, with the exception of Bey, who we’d actually like to teabag.  But fear not.  Even though football’s over, there’s still plenty of teabags to go around, and we’ll be here to bring ‘em to you.

The Super Bro™ is Here!!!

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We’re about an hour away from kickoff of what promises to be an entertaining game.  Anyone sick of the cross-promotional ads yet?  Yes, the Lone Ranger does look that terrible.  Anyway, back to the task at hand.  The Machine’s had a tough time figuring out this one.  The Niners are the hotter team.  Fast, punishing defense and an offense that no one has figured out (yet:  see Year 2 of the Wildcat).  Ginger King questioned the decision to start C-Kap…but obviously that’s paid off (Alex Smith will look great in a Bills uniform next year).  There’s really no way to pick against the Niners, unless….

They’re playing a team of destiny, and right now, the Ravens have the look of a team of destiny.  They’re almost reminiscent of the Giants of last year.  That overtime win at Denver?  Improbable.  Near double-digit underdogs to the Patriots?  No problem.  The Ravens have been counted out of every game this post-season, and not only have the risen up to the challenge, but have done so in convincing fashion.  Joe Flacco is no Trent Dilfer (a sigh of relief to the greater-Baltimore area).  Combine that with solid play on both sides of the ball (and some deer antler spray) and the Ravens have the post-season magic.  They’re 4.5 underdogs in the Super Bro™…exactly where they want to be.

This really does have the makings of a close game.  In that respect, point goes to Baltimore, as David Akers has been anything but consistent for the Niners this year…missing 13 field goals with an extremely poor 69% field goal conversion.

Although lady luck is on the Ravens side, The Machine thinks that, at the end of the day, C-Kap and crew will do just enough to bring home the Lombardi trophy.  Sorry Baltimore, but sometimes destiny isn’t enough (see 18-1).

Plus, The Machine is a younger brother, and nothing gives us more pleasure than sending a big FU to your big brother…and what better way to do that than to beat him in the Super Bro™.  Jim Harbaugh clearly will do anything to win…so look for a trick play or two (fake punt, onside kick).  The Machine would love a never-before seen pistol option fleaflicker.  We’ll call it the Reloader™

If you want a safe bet…bet the under.  The Machine doesn’t see this being a high-scoring affair.  If you really want a good bet, tease the Ravens and the Under.  Money in the bank.

Ok, time to drink and eat a ridiculous amount of pepperoni, cheese, and chili.  Enjoy the Game (and if Beyonce lip syncs at Halftime everything will be ruined).

Niners 24, Ravens 20

Tuesday Teabag, January 29, 2013 – Super Bro™ Edition

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Of course The Machine has to add on to the ridiculousness that is Media Day at the Super Bowl.  So many overplayed and drawn out stories:  The last ride for Ray Lewis.  The emergence of the pistol.  Oh, and did you know that the coaches for each team are brothers?  They’re calling it the Har Bowl.  Come on media, you can do better than that.  The Machine prefers the Super Bro™. 

Yes folks, there’s really nothing else like the media coverage leading up to a Super Bowl.  With two weeks off, and only one game to report on, the media goes buck wild with Super Bowl coverage, and will do anything to draw attention to themselves and their networks.  It’s mostly all bullshit…except Inside Edition hiring Katherine Webb.  That’s totally legit.  With that much media coverage, it’s guaranteed to deliver some quality teabags.  Like giving money to a homeless person (you really think Shaky Joe used that buck for a McMuffin?) no good can come from intense media scrutiny.  And with that, The Machine presents to you a trio of Super Bro™ Media Day Teabags.

Joe Flacco.  When asked about his thoughts about next year’s Super Bowl in NYC, Flacco responded, “I think it’s retarded. I probably shouldn’t say that. I think it’s stupid.  If you want a Super Bowl, put a retractable dome on your stadium.  Then you can get one.”  He continued his whining, saying “I don’t really like the idea.  I don’t think people would react very well to it, or be glad to play anybody in that kind of weather.”  This response is retarded (Joe’s word not ours) for many reasons.

First, you expect lesser known players (see #2 below) to make some Teabag worthy comments.  But not your quarterback.  He’s supposed to be the one player that’s above the fray, who’s supposed to exhibit a resolve that never breaks.  Remember those inappropriate quotes from Tom Brady and Eli last year?  Exactly.  Hey Joe, you may not play like an elite quarterback, but you should at least act like one.

Second, that’s the question you choose to drop the R word on.  It’s the softest of softball question.  The obvious answer:  “I’m not concerned with that Super Bowl.  The only one I want to talk about is the one I’m playing in.”  Giving a controversial answer to an otherwise innocuous question is…well…you know what it is.

Third, way to show the world what a complete pussy you are.  The Super Bowl can only be in warm weather, particularly a dome to ensure a sterile, climate-controlled environment?  Why?  Is the frozen tundra of Lambeau Field only cool during the regular season?  Having a Super Bowl in NYC is actually (another) brilliant move by the NFL.  Your crying about a game being played in cold weather is not.

Update:  Joe, after he (read:  the Ravens PR staff) had a chance to reflect on his comments, folded like a two dollar whore.  “Obviously, it was a poor choice of words.  At home, I have a close relationship with Special Olympics.  I didn’t mean to offend anyone.  I definitely apologize for that.”  You know you screwed up royally when you have to resort to the “I have a lot of retarded friends” line. 

Bernard Pollard.  The Baltimore Ravens safety made some eye-raising comments when he declared that they NFL will not be in existence in 30 years because of all the rule changes to make the game safer.  The game will be so watered-down, he reasoned, that people won’t want to watch.  Interestingly, he then admitted that the players are bigger, faster, stronger, and hit harder than ever before, and that he’s waiting for a player to die on the field.

Ok, where to begin.  Well, nothing is the same today as it was 30 years ago.  Music today sucks and what the fuck is Pinterest?  Regarding football, do you remember the NFL of the 80’s?  Does the phrase “3 yards and a cloud of dust” ring a bell?  That NFL was boring and predictable, and there was zero emphasis on player safety (shake off the concussion boy, you’re fine).  How many episodes of Outside the Lines do you have to watch of former players suffering memory loss or other debilitating illnesses to know that something’s got to change?  And, despite these changes, the game’s never been more exciting than it is today.  You can still deliver knock out hits…similar to the (totally legal) beat down you laid on Stevan Ridley in the AFC Championship Game. 

Yes, the buzz word in the NFL today is safety.  The goal is to maintain the integrity of the game while making it safer…perhaps, in part, because today’s NFL player is bigger, faster, stronger, and hits harder than ever before.  Sure, some talked about changes are a bit much (The Machine has faith that the NFL will realize eliminating kickoffs is dumb) but saying that the NFL won’t exist because it will turn into two hand touch football is simply dumb.  And ending your anti-safety remarks with concern that someone may die on the field is slightly (sarcasm intended) contradictory.

People aren’t going stop watching football because you can’t lead with your head or form a wedge.  We live in a nanny state now, the average NFL fan is no doubt an overprotective parent whose (more) overprotective spouse insists on changing the channel if there’s too much violence on TV (it’s bad for the kids).  Right or wrong, gratuitous violence is not a part of mainstream culture anymore, despite The Machine’s appreciation of MMA and Bum Fighting. 

Ok, time to go and chew my son’s food and feed it to him mama bird/baby bird style (everyone’s doing it).  Be right back.

Randy Moss.  Moss declared himself to be the best WR to ever play the game.  This one’s easy. 

Randy Moss – 982/15,292/156

Jerry Rice – 1,549/22,895/197

It’s not even close.  Top 5?  Sure.  But GOAT?  Not a chance.  No one measures up to Jerry Rice.  You lose in every category, especially in the “being a good teammate and not a malcontent diva” category.  Need more convincing?  Ask yourself this:  Was Jerry Rice ever used as a decoy?

For the sake of Niners fans, let’s hope Randy’s not passing on his wisdom and football ethics to Vernon Davis and Michael Crabtree.

There you have it folks.  Good thing is, we only have to suffer through five more days of useless media coverage, Katherine Webb excluded, until the Super Bro™.

The Machine’s 2013 NFL Mock Draft (v1.0)

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The Monday after the Super Bowl; Day One of the offseason.  Ugh.  Seven more months before another meaningful football game is played. Uuuuugh!

However, that does mean The Machine can shift our undivided attention to an event as equally exciting as the Super Bowl, The Draft! Considering it is right around the corner (3 months and counting!!)  we decided to throw together our first mock draft.  To add a bit of gamesmanship, we’ll be alternating selections between Roidrage and Ginger King.  RR, you’re on the clock…

1

 Kansas City Chiefs: Luke Joeckle OT Texas A&M
Analysis:  Between the mounting injuries, Romel Crennels abysmal coaching efforts and underwhelming QB play, the Chiefs weren’t very competitive in 2012.  However, for being the “worst” team in the league, the Chiefs have some decent young building blocks in place: Jamaal Charles, Dwyane Bowe (FA), Eric Berry, Derrick Johnson and Tambi Hali. Andy Reid and staff represent an upgrade in the coaching department.  He’ll no doubt want to address the weakest QB group in the league (Matt Cassel, Brady Quinn – okay, maybe not as bad as the Cardinals but still dreadful!)  While the Chiefs could certainly fall in love with a QB prospect (Smith, Wilson, Nassib) in the next few months, chances are they can get similar value in the early second round (or trade back into the late first).  Joeckle is a “safe” pick that should be an anchor on their O-line for years to come.

2

 Jacksonville Jaguars: Damontre Moore DE Texas A&M
Analysis:  How is it possible that a team that has had 5 consecutive Top 10 selections (6 including this year) not have a solid nucleus of talent?  Because said team has used said Top 10 picks on people like Blaine Gabbert and Tyson Alualu.  Where to start.  The Jags need help (literally) at every single position, so they could go in a number of different directions.  However, their current starting DEs consist of Jason Babin (age: 32) and Jeremy Mincey (age: doesn’t matter because he’s awful (29)).  Moore steps in and instantly becomes a starting DE, and likely the best defensive player on the team.  “DaMonster” had 12.5 sacks last season (the formidable duo of Babin/Mincey combined for 10) and has room to grow in his 248 lb frame.  He has the quickness and athleticism to line up at DE and LB, giving the Jags the ability to move him around the field in different coverage looks.   The Jags finally get a Top 10 pick right.

3

 Oakland Raiders Star Lotulelei DT Utah
Analysis:  The 2012 Raiders didn’t do much right in their first year under 12-year-old Dennis Allen.  But perhaps nothing was worse than their run defense.  The gave up 1897 yards on the ground ( 119 yrds/gm); 9 times allowing 100+ yards rushing and 3 times allowing 220+ yards.  None more memorable than Doug Martins 251 yards (and 4 TDs) on the ground in Week 9!  Considering Tommy Kelly (32) and Richard Seymour (33) are on the wrong side of 30, Lotulelei makes too much sense here and there is a strong possibility he doesn’t even last this long!  He is that good.

4

 Philadelphia Eagles Dee Milliner CB Alabama
Analysis:  Every night, Joe Banner and Co. pray that Luke Joeckle falls to them here.  They need OL help.  But Andy Reid will send a big FU to his former employer (note: spite is a perfectly good reason to draft a player) leaving the Eagles empty-handed.  #4 is too high to draft Eric Fisher or Chance Warmack, and if Philly can’t trade down, they’re left to plug some other holes.  Secondary is an obvious one.  The duo of Asomugha and DRC has been anything but dynamic.  DRC wants a new contract, and Asomugha is going to count $16 million against the cap this year, crazy considering he’s awful in pass coverage.  One or both of these guys may be gone.  Dee is by far the best corner in this draft, following an impressive trend of SEC corners (see Stephon Gilmore, Dre Kirkpatrick).  At 6’1″, he’s the perfect height to defend the jump ball, and has the speed and power to get physical at the line.  Going against Eli, Romo, and RGIII twice a year, the Eagles need a consistent and dependable secondary.  A unanimous first-team All American, Dee was the anchor in Bama’s secondary, and should have an immediate impact.

5

 Detroit Lions Bjoern Werner DE Florida St.
Analysis:  The Lions continue building from their strength and spend another high draft pick on the defensive line (Suh, Farley).  It seems as though the team will part ways with Kyle van De Bosch, and Werner represents and ideal replacement (and upgrade considering KVDB’s decline this year).  Werner has a quick first step and is strong at the point of attack; he plays well against the run and can get after the passer.  Coaches may fall in love with his raw ability and tremendous upside.   When you play Aaron Rodgers and Adrian Peterson twice a year, you can’t have too many athletic defensive linemen that bring it every play.

6

 Cleveland Browns Jarvis Jones OLB Georgia
Analysis: The Browns will be doing cartwheels if Jones is here.  The Browns need defensive power, pressure, and speed.  Jarvis solves all three.  While Barkevious Mingo (Greatest. Name. Ever.) will get a look here, the Browns can’t pass on Jones.  He’s as much of a sure thing for Cleveland since LeBron (pre taking his talents to South Beach).  Jarvis led the nation in sacks with 14.5, to go with 85 tackles and 1 interception.  Jarvis won’t stop Cleveland from picking in the Top 10 next year, but he’s a big step in the right direction.

7

 Arizona Cardinals Geno Smith QB WV
Analysis:  This is a dream scenario for Bruce Arians and the Arzona Cardinals.  The top rated QB falls to the team most desperate for a QB.  Arians is creative enough to build an offensive to maximize Smiths strengths (and hide his limitations).  Quarterbacks stocks tend to rise as we approach the draft, so Geno could be off the board sooner than this.  But for now we’ll dream of the Arians-Smith-Fitzgerald potential!

8

 Buffalo Bills Cordarrelle Patterson WR Tenn
Analysis: The Bills need to improve their offense.  QB is an option, but truly a reach here.  There are a collection of QBs that rank in the “meh” category:  none of them are worth of a Top 10 pick.  The Receiver class, however, is not deep, and the Bills need to upgrade their passing game.  Cordarrelle (pronounced “Core-dare-ull”) is clearly the top WR.  He’s the total package.  At 6’3″, he’s got the size to go up and over, and the speed to hit the quick slant.

9

 NY Jets Ezekiel Ansah DE BYU
Analysis:  As we’ve studied the Jets roster one thing is painfully obvious: they lack talent….and playmakers….and depth.  The Jets should absolutely trade Revis for a package of picks.  They could really go in any direction with this pick.  They could grab a QB (although it looks as if they are stuck with Sanchez for at least one more year), but we have them grabbing a defensive playmaker.  We feel that Ansah’s stock will be on the rise as he puts on a show at the Combine and the BYU pro day.  Somebody will pay the price for his freakish upside (think JPP), might as well be the Jets.

10

 Tennessee Titans Chance Warmack OG Alabama
Analysis:  No question the Titans are going offensive line here.  CJ2k has looked more like CJ750, and much of that is due to a porous line up front.  Chance dominated at Alabama, and much of the success that fellow teammates Mark Ingram and Trent Richardson had was due in part to the consistent and solid play of Chance.

11

 San Diego Chargers Barkevious Mingo DE LSU
Analysis:  Having seen six defenders go in the first ten picks in this scenario, the Bolts grab Mingo to address their pass-rushing deficiencies.  Mingo is a difficult prospect to project.  He is going to light up the combine/workouts and get the creative (defensive) minds around the league thinking of the possibilities’.  McCoy and Whisenhunt have even pieces on offense to make that side of the ball dangerous; so they go defense early and often to add some difference-makers.

12

 Miami Dolphins Jonathan Banks CB Miss. St.
Analysis:  The Dolphins have several needs, perhaps none more pressing than their secondary, which is an absolute mess.  The Dolphins traded their best corner, Vontae Davis, for a second round pick, Sean Smith is a free agent, and Richard Marshall and Nolan Carroll are far from being consistent contributors (that’s being generous).  Banks had a solid career at Mississippi St., and won the Jim Thorpe Award as the nation’s best defensive back.  WR is also an option, especially if Cordarrelle Patterson is still available.  However, the free agent pool is deep at receiver, so the Dolphins should make a run at Greg Jennings or Dwayne Bowe.  The free agent pool at DB is not, so this need must be addressed in the draft.

13

 Tampa Bay Buccaneers Eric Fisher OT Central Mich.
Analysis:  This is almost a dream scenario for the Bucs.  Fisher was dominate all week at the Senor Bowl, suggesting his outstanding film isn’t merely a by-producted of underwhelimg MAC talent.  He could absolutely be every bit the player that Joeckle is (and 12 picks later!).  It wouldn’t shock us to see the Bucs grab a QB here, as they clearly (and rightfully) aren’t sold on Freeman.  Regardless of how is quarterbacking this franchise in the future, they will love having this stud upfront.

14

 Carolina Panthers Terrance Williams WR Baylor
Analysis:  Carolina needs to add some offensive weapons.  Cam Newton’s sophmore slump was due in large part to an aging core of offensive playmakers.  Williams makes a ton of sense here.  Even with the departure of RGIII, Williams went 97/1,832/12, leading the nation in receiving yards.

15

 New Orleans Saints Jonathan Hankins DT Ohio St.
Analysis:  The 2012 New Orleans Saints were historically bad on defense.  They were as bad on denfese as the ’85 Bears were good! Rob (I’ll probably be out of work for 5 minutes…err… 4 weeks) joins wunderkind Sean Peyton on the sidelines to try to fix the mess.  The first order of business is switching to a 34 defense.  Without the luxury of a second round pick (kill the head and your draft will follow) the Saints have to grab a defense piece early.  Hankins has the size to anchor the NT in Ryan’s defense.

16

 St. Louis Rams Lane Johnson OT Oklahoma
Analysis:  This is the first of two picks for the Rams in the first round.  With an up and coming defense (well done dodging the Rex Ryan Crazy Train) both of these picks should focus on improving the offense.  It seems that, everytime we watch the Rams, Sam Bradford is lying on his back, separating his shoulder for the umpteenth time.  Simply put:  the Rams need OL help.  Lane Johnson is the most athletic OL in the draft.  A high school quarterback in Texas (and also finished 4th in the shot put at the state track and field championships) Lane played TE and DE in college before making the switch to OL.  At 6’7″, 303 lbs., he’s got to add some more strength to his frame, and has a lot of potential.

17

 Pittsburgh Steelers Dion Jordan OLB Oregon
Analysis:Two words to describe Jordan:  FREAK….and….FREEEEAK!  6-7, 241 lbs and simply flies all over the field.  With smoe good coaching and playing with more control and purpose, Jordan can wreck havoc on the football field.  Here is another prospect who could shoot up draft boards this spring.  For now we’ll slot him to the Steelers who got old on defense in a hurry.  The Steelers do a fanastic job of waiting their turn and taking players who should have been draft already.  They grab a great value (and need) here.

18

 Dallas Cowboys John Jenkins DT Georgia
Analysis:  By most accounts, Jay Ratliff hasn’t had the best season.  A public spat with the boss and then a DUI in the offseason likely means the end of his tenure in Dallas.  However, we know talent trumps character, especially in Dallas.  Whether Jay stays or goes, Dallas needs to improve their interior defense.  There is great depth at DT in this draft, and the Cowboys will have their options.  Jonathon Hankins and Sheldon Richardson will get looks, if one (or both) are still around.  John Jenkins is an athletic run stuffer and should fit nicely into the Cowboys defensive line.

19

 NY Giants Kenny Vaccaro S Texas
Analysis:  The G-men could go in a number of directions with this pick: OL, OLB, CB, RB.  Vaccaro is too good of a prospect to slip by the Giants brass.  His versatility is appealing, as he can play both safety positions.  The Giants also used a 3-safety defense numerous times in defense of the hurry-spread attack that swept through the league in the last few years.  Vaccaro could also be deployed as a spy versus running QB’s (Vick, RG3).  That said, I think this is the point where teams who bypassed a QB early will tempt to trade back in to the 1st to grab one that slipped.

20

 Chicago Bears D.J. Fluker OT Alabama
Analysis: OL has to be priority #1 for ‘da Bears.   How much whining does Jay Cutler have to do?  Yes, he does a lot of whining regardless, but dude does have a point.  DJ is pure size and power…measuring in a 6’6″ and a solid 335 lbs.  D.J. will pay immediate dividends for Chicago…he’ll open up lanes for Forte and keep Cutler off his ass, forcing him to whine about something else.

21

 Cincinnati Bengals Arthur Brown OLB Kansas St.
Analysis:  I really like the direction of this Cincinnati Bengals team; they have a young, talented roster after putting together some solid drafts (2012: Kirkpatrick, Zeitler, Sanu; 2011: Green, Dalton, Boling; 2010: Gresham, Atkins).  Marvin Lewis is smart enough to realize Andy Dalton’s flaws; (and while there is nothing he can do to lessen his gingerness) the best way to mask those deficiencies is to rely on a strong running game and solid defense.  Adding Brown gives the Bengal’s an athletic playmaker and gives them some much needed positional flexibility in regards to their line backing corps.

22

 St. Louis Rams Eddie Lacy RB Alabama
Analysis:  This would be the perfect storm for St. Louis.  With Steven Jackson likely gone, the Rams backfield consists of Darryl Richardson and Isaih Pead.  Eddie Lacy is the best RB in the draft, and would instantly compete for the #1 spot, with or without Jackson.  A first team All-SEC selection, Lacy rushed for 1,322 yards and 17 tds in 14 games.  He also caught 22 balls for 189 and 2 tds, and returns kickoffs as well.

23

 Minnesota Vikings Keenan Allen WR Cal
Analysis:  If your typical diva WR is a headache for the coaching staff (and GM) consider Percy Harvin a migraine!  For high school to the pros, everywhere this guy goes a black cloud follows and it’s a shame because the guy has elite skills.  If the Vikings are unable to trade him (to NE to replace Wes Welker?) this season he will surely be gone the following, as the Vikes have no intention of forking over $20M to this guy.  And this is from an organization that is thin (to be kind) at the wide-receiver position to begin with!  Allen is a step in the right direction in terms of giving Ponder a reliable target.

24

 Indianapolis Colts Alex Okafor DE Texas
Analysis:  The Colts were the most improved team in the NFL, going from a 2 win team to an 11 wind season and a playoff appearance.  Offensive line is a need, but with all the top talent gone, Indy will have to address this in the later rounds  With Dwight Freeney turning 80, Okafor would be a nice consolation prize for the Colts.

25

 Seattle Seahawks Sheldon Richardson DT Missouri
Analysis:  The Seahawks have been driving “mock drafters” crazy with some of their first round “reaches”  (James Carpenter, Bruce Irvin)who turn out to be fantastic football players on gameday.  So good luck trying to predict the Seahawks selection.  But we love the idea of the Hawks adding a penetrating force on the interior of there already dominate defense.  The Seahawks are one good off-season away from competing for a championship.

26

 Green Bay Packers Alec Ogletree OLB Georgia
Analysis:  Depending on what happens with Jermichael Finley, the Pack may want to think about drafting a TE, and they should have their pick of either Eifert or Ertz.  However, assuming Finley stays, Green Bay should focus on defense.  The play of Aaron Rodgers and the explosiveness of Green Bay’s offense did a good job hiding the fact that the defense is not good.  They were completely exposed by San Francisco in the playoffs.  Releasing Charles Woodson is recognition that Green Bay needs to get young on D.  Ogletree would provide fresh legs and versatility to the defense in need of both.

27

 Houston Texans Tyler Eifert TE ND
Analysis:  The Texans love drafting defense and building from their strengths; but we like them to add pieces to build around their top-notch running game.  Eifert (and Ertz) can create match up problems for defenses.

28

 Denver Broncos Sharrif Floyd DT Florida
Analysis:  Obviously, Denver could use some secondary help (or a new secondary coach?) but Floyd is too much value to pass up here.  There’s a buzz about Sharrif, and if he kills it at the Combine, he could shoot up draft boards and into the Top 10.  Until then, John Fox and crew would be ecstatic with Floyd.

29

 New England Patriots Jesse Williams DT Alabama
Analysis:  Again, what an ideal spot for a team to trade up into the first round and snag a QB should one drop to this point.  We all know the Patriots love stockpiling draft picks.  In this situation Belichick grabs a big bodied defended based on favorable recommendations from good buddy Nick Saban.  While the Patriots are ever evolving and continually seem to be ahead of the curve, Belichcick knows creating the line of scrimmage is the first step to a good defense (or offense for that matter).

30

 Atlanta Falcons Zach Ertz TE Stanford
Analysis:  With Tony Gonzalez “probably” retiring (anyone else thinking that’s going to drag on?) Atlanta would be well-served to use its first round pick to find his replacement. Ertz, at 6’6″, 249 lbs., is built very similar to Gonzo, and would fit in nicely in Atlanta.

31

 San Francisco 49ers Tavon Austin WR  WV
Analysis:  While Michael Crabtree had a coming out party this season (don’t worry Chris Culliver, not that kind of coming out party) the Niners could still improve their receiving corps.  They tried and (largely) failed with Randy Moss and Mario Manningham.  Austin’s explosive and can play both receiver and special teams, providing another way to instantly contribute.  He racked up 572 all-purpose yards in one game last year (second most all time), and possesses that quick first step and burst that will be effective in the slot and on returns.

32

 Baltimore Ravens Manti Te’o ILB ND
Analysis:It wasn’t a coincidence that Ray Lewis’s name was never called during the actual Super Bowl.  Deer-spray notwithstanding, Ray-Ray has completely lost the speed element to his game and was a shell of his former self.  The Ravens may find themselves without ray, Ed Reed and Paul Kruger next seasons.  Ozzie Newsome will use this pick to help re-tool his front seven.  Kevin Minter is probably a better prospect and better fit here, but we selfishly love the idea of hearing Terrell Suggs opine about the dead girlfriend-catfishing story.

Tuesday Teabag, January 22, 2013 – Manti Te’o and Notre Dame

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What a crazy week.  Once again, there was fight to be this week’s Tuesday Teabag.  Honorable mention goes to Tom Brady and his bitch kick.  Do you realize it’s been 8 years since the Patriots won the Super Bowl?  #thedynastyisdead. 

No friends, this Tuesday Teabag goes to none other than Manti Te’o and the Notre Dame Fighting Irish.  For much of the past six days, The Machine has been completely transfixed by the Manti Te’o story.  Was he in on it?  When did he know?  What the fuck is catfishing?  Is there such thing as a Hawaiian Mormon?  So many questions, so little time.  Let’s get right into it.

First, much props to Deadspin for uncovering this nugget of crazy.  If you haven’t read the Deadspin article, do it now.  Those dudes are always all over the stories we need to know (nice work on the Brett Favre junk story, btw).

In some way or another, you’ve all heard and/or read the story by now:  Manti Te’o, star LB for Notre Dame who finished second in the Heisman voting, was in a “relationship” with Lennay Kekua since 2009.  Then, in September, 2012, just after his grandmother dies, his girlfriend dies as well, from leukemia, after recovering from a car accident.  This double-whammy of personal tragedy elevates Manti to the national spotlight (oh how we love watching people play sports through personal problems).  The media (whores) seize on this story, and Manti’s instantly on the cover of Sports Illustrated (note: just because you write about sports doesn’t mean you don’t have to fact check) and he becomes a household name.

There was only one tiny problem:  Lennay did not exist.  The whole relationship was a sham.  Depending on who you believe, Manti was either in on the hoax or was the victim of a cruel joke.  It’s been rumored that a friend of Manti, Ronaiah Tuiasosopo, was the mastermind behind the hoax.  But why and to what gain?  Just messing with a naïve meathead?  And where is Ronaiah?  And then, you have Reagan Mauia of the Arizona Cardinals saying she’s real?  Who the hell is this guy? 

Ok, where do we begin?  First, you’re not in a relationship if you haven’t banged, let alone seen your partner.  Second, Manti…you’re not only a Division I athlete, you’re the starting middle linebacker for the most storied college football program in the country.  You don’t need the internet to get laid (leave that to the losers that paint your helmet every week).  Third, how could you possibly be that dumb where, for three years, you thought you were in a relationship yet never met the person, and, whenever you tried, you were rebuffed?  How many times did you fall for the “my facetime isn’t working” line?  That didn’t clue you in that maybe, just maybe, you’re sexting with a trucker? 

Then, as if things couldn’t get weirder, you pull out (something you never did with Lennay) of the Senior Bowl and become a recluse.  Then, perhaps under the urging of your PR firm, you agree to do an interview but refuse to be on camera.  Thus, we have to form our opinion of whether you’re telling the truth on how Jeremy Schaap formed his.  Yes, this Jeremy Schaap.  No thank you, that did nothing to satisfy us.  We need to see you with our own eyes.

Ok, says PR Team, problem solved.  Manti’s agreed to do an interview, on camera, with hard-hitting award journalist Katie Couric.  That would appear to comply with what we want, but then The Machine’s Research Department uncovered this nugget:  Manti and Katie are represented by the same PR firm.  Do you honestly think they’re going to put Manti in harm’s way by having an objective interview?  Of course not.  This interview will be completely pre-rehearsed, pre-recorded, edited, and framed to make Manti the victim.  Look, we get that that’s the job of a good PR Team.  They need to work double-time to keep you in the first round of the draft.  But dammit, we didn’t waste the better part of five straight working days to not get the truth.  The Machine wants the truth.  The Machine needs the truth.  Sadly, The Machine doesn’t think we’ll ever know the real story.

Unless he scores a 0 on the Wonderlic, The Machine finds it hard to believe that he didn’t know.  Maybe he didn’t help create it, but he certainly didn’t go to any lengths to correct people after he realized what was up.  And what’s with catfishing?  Is it a real thing?  Is it this generation’s version of phony phone calls?  This story, if nothing else, has helped The Machine (comfortably in his 30s) realize that he has more in common with people in their 40s then people in their 20s.  Shit…

And why does Notre Dame get lumped in with this Teabag, you ask?  Well, within minutes of learning of this alleged hoax, the Fighting Irish embark on their own investigation, the results of which they conclude that Manti was 100% not a part of this hoax.  However, we come to find out that their “investigation” was paper thin.  They didn’t interview Manti, his family, or Ronaiah.  But yet, they are 100% certain that their meal ticket…err, student athlete, wasn’t involved.  You get the sense that they were more concerned about preserving the legacy of Notre Dame than helping to vindicate Manti.  If only they would act so swiftly when there’s a real dead girl.  Their handling of this situation, and hand-washing of the Lizzy Seeberg story, is shameful. 

Anyway, Manti, here’s some advice from The Machine:  Get your shit together.  This story isn’t going to hurt you as much as your performance in the National Championship Game will.  Your Combine results are more important than your sit down with Katie.  Don’t forget that.  Also, DO NOT open that e-mail from the Nigerian Prince (hint: he’s not a real prince). 

Enjoy the Teabag.