It’s tournement time!  Tip-off starts in in about 3 hours, which is just enough time to come down with the “stomach bug” and find your way to the “doctor’s office” (read: neighborhood bar)!  Be mindful, the last game tips off at 9:57 PM (EST), so pace yourself!

Before our brackets get completely busted, let’s review The Machine’s Final Four Picks:

Roid Rage (full bracket here: NCAA RR 2013)

Midwest/West Matchup: I’ve got Louisville (1) v. Ohio State (2).  I’m buying Louisville stock going into this tournement.  They are a tough group that excel in all facits of the game.  Pitino gets it done this year.  After a breeze in the first two rounds (Missouri, St. Louis), they get a couple of tough match-ups in Michigan State and Ohio State.  However, I’ve got the Cardinals advancing to the Championship game.

South/East Matchup: Florida (3) v. Indiana (1). This Indiana team is dangerously good; I’ve got them cruising to this matchup with Florida.  It’s hard to call a 3-seed a darkhorse, but I like Florida’s chances of upsetting Georgetown and Kansas on their way to face Indiana.  I have to give the nod to Indiana due to their balance and defense. This sets up a championship featuring…

Championship: Louisville (1) v. Indiana (1).  I’m not typically a 1-seed/1-seed kind of guy, but I have too much respect of what both of these teams have done this year.  They were built for this tournement.  Take it to the bank: Rick Pitino will be climbing the ladder, scissors in hand!

First-Round Upsets: Oregon (12), Cincinnati (10), Belmont (11), Iowa State (10), Minnesota (11)

Ginger King (full bracket here: BRSM – 2013 NCAA Bracket)

Midwest/West Matchup: I’ve got Louisville (1) v. Ohio St. (2), but the comparisons stop there.  Ginger King is high on the Buckeyes, so high, in fact, that we’re picking them to be crowned National Champions.  The Buckeyes are the most tournment ready team in the country, and played in the toughest conference in basketball.  They should breeze through the first couple rounds, and really won’t be tested until they meet up with Wisconsin.  Louisville is hard to pick against (their pressure trap is the best in the NCAA) but Thad Matta will have them ready.  Book your plane tickets to Atlanta Ohioans, just leave that stupid O-H-I-O chant home.

South/East Matchup:  VCU (5) v. Indiana (1).  The South is by far the most volatile bracket in the tourney, so it’s really a crap shoot there.  I really like Georgetown, but I also love Cinderellas, especially when Cinderella can shoot the 3.  People are soft on VCU for losing the A-10 Championship to St. Louis, but don’t fret.  This VCU team is better, yes better, than the team that shocked the world and made it to the final four in 2011.  This sets up the championship game between…

Championship:  Ohio St. (2) v. Indiana (1).  Yes, an all Big 10 final.  This is really the way it should be.  The Big 10 is head and shoulders above the rest of the NCAA…they are the equivalent of the SEC in football.  Lock it in:  Thad Matta and crew will be cutting down the nets and bringing a National Championship back to Columbus. 

First-Round Upsets:  Iowa St. (10), Bucknell (11), Minnesota (11), Ole Miss (12), Montana (13),

What is it about baseball players that make them susceptible to the strangest, oddest, and downright weirdest injuries of any athletes?  Seriously, year in and year out, the dumbest injuries happen to baseball players.  Whether it’s sneezing too hard (Sammy Sosa), burning your face by falling asleep in a tanning bed (Marty Cordova), or stabbing yourself in the stomach while using a knife to take off a DVD wrapper (Adam Eaton), baseball players are cursed.  Or just stupid and unable to perform simple tasks off the field.

The 2013 season hasn’t even started yet, and already we have a slew of worthy contenders.

Michael Taylor (Oakland)

Injured himself throwing away a piece of gum.  Seriously, he lacerated his pinkie (in two places) while attempting to throw out gum, and had missed a week of spring training.  This one’s odd, I mean, who throws out gum pinkie out. 

Elvis Andrus (Texas)

Sat out a game due to soreness in his arm…from getting a tattoo.  This injury isn’t as weird as it is stupid.  Elvis, your last game was October 5, you had between then and the start of spring training (roughly 5 months) to get tatted up.  Instead, you wait until spring training starts (i.e. you’re back working) to get some ink.  Tattoos by nature are pretty badass, unless you’re this guy, but taking a day off work because it hurt too much instantly takes away any street cred. 

Gio Gonzalez (Washington)

Not sure what to make of Gio…but he sported a sweet looking scar on his forehead.  Bar fight, perhaps?  Catch a line drive off your face?  Not quite.  Gio sustained the injury (later confirmed to be a rug burn) by wrestling with his dog, Hollywood…a French Bulldog.  Fortunately for Gio, he didn’t miss any playing time.  Also, he’s got a good sense of humor (which The Machine appreciates) and when describing his “fight” with Hollywood said:  “She gave me a rug burn. I hate her. And then I love her.  And then I look in her face and then I love her again.”

Jordany Valdespin (Mets)

Jordany takes the cake with the dumbest injury thus far.  It seems innocent enough:  while squaring around to bunt, he takes a Verlander fastball to the junk.  Not good under any circumstances.  However, Jordany raised the bar of stupidity when it was revealed that he wasn’t wearing a cup.  That’s right….a 94 mph heater right to the babymaker.  What could possibly possess you to not wear a cup, especially someone that bunts with an open stance?  Obviously, even with a cup (or full body armor) a Justin Verlander fastball is going to hurt…but as stupid as it is to stand in there with no helmet on, it’s equally as dumb to step in the box without a cup.  The Machine has broken out in a cold sweat just thinking about this.

There you have it…proving once again that real men play [insert any sport besides baseball].  Enjoy the teabags fellas, and Jordany…the next time you’re at the plate make sure to bubble wrap the boys!

If a tweet is worth 140 characters and a picture is worth 1,000 words than please tell me, how much is a mug shot worth?!  Nick Nolte is still cashing in on his rather infamous photoshoot(s) with the popo; but he may have to relinquish his title as king of the batshit craziest mug shot, because there is a new sheriff in town……

That my friends is (are you ready for this) UNRESTRICTED free agent, HARVARD graduate, NFL starting defensive tackle Desmond Bryant.  Not to be confused with deadbeat mom-beater Dez Bryant of the Dallas “Get Loaded and Drive Home” Cowboys.  Sidenote: Dez was real quick to take to twitter to proclaim is innocence and detail his alibi.  Moral victory Dez, we get it; your time will come soon enough you ticking time bomb you!

But back to our friend, Desmond.  Dude, we’ve all been there (chances are, if you’re reading this blog you’ve been there more than once…..this month).   In fact, while you’re out there busting your ass each Sunday on the gridiron, The Machine is putting in a full days work at a local watering hole trying to get to the exact state you were in when the above picture was taken.  Eyes glazed to the point they look soulless; tongue so dry that you can’t bother keeping it in your mouth any longer; so disheveled that your clothing becomes an afterthought.  Hell, this bender was so rich you couldn’t even bother with some bling, a hat, or even with a proper shave.  Well done boss.

As for the crime, well, according to the LA Times, you were arrested “on a misdemeanor charge of criminal mischief after allegedly causing a commotion at a neighbor’s house while inebriated.”  Translation:  your hammered ass stumbled through your neighbor’s backyard, dropping some freestyle rhymes while kicking over their Mary-in-a-bathtub lawn decoration and dropping a deuce in their pool.  Again, we’ve all been there!  And we’ve all got that noisy bitch neighbor who is trigger happy with the 911 speed dial.  That’s why, in the same vein as Co-MVP’s, The Machine has decided to name your neighbors as Co-Teabag Award recipients.  They certainly could have helped the big fella to his house, gotten him tucked into bed and even scored a few game worn jerseys out of the whole ordeal.  That could have been a real win-win for your (not so close-knit) community.  Or course, the rest of us would have missed out on your gem of a mug shot, so I guess we owe those Debbie Downers an ounce of gratitude for that.

Sure, the photograph is embarrassing and all, but here is the real bitch of it.  Depending on who you ask, the average NFL career is between 3.5 years (DeSmith) and 6 year (RG1). Either way, it’s a very small window to make bank.  A majority of players will only get one opportunity to hit free agency and negotiate a second, and financially significant, contract.  Prior to your photo shoot, you had some decent negotiating power on your side.  In the last four years you suited up for 63 out of 64 games; registered 124 tackles, 11.5 sacks and 3 forced fumbles.  The last two season you’ve flashed some ability as a dependable, starting defensive tackle.  I think you could use Kendall Langford’s deal last offseason as a base: 4 years $24M, with $12M guaranteed.  Of course, that was before this…..

Now, tell me, what GM and what Owner wants to hand this guy $12-15M, guaranteed?!  It’s not that fact that you got blitzed (pun intended) and kicked your neighbor’s poodle.  It’s the timing of it that has cost you (and your agent) millions of (easy) free agency dollars!  This is such a brutally simple concept that NFL (and all professional athletes presumably) don’t comprehend.  Surround yourself with people who won’t let you do dumb things (or at least are willing to take the fall for you) until your playing days are over!

But I guess it has earned you mad respect in the mug shot community.  The Machine hopes that in a few years you and your neighbors will be able laugh at this whole story; but until then, enjoy your Teabag Award!

With football over, it’s time to focus on the misgivings of other athletes (for the counterpoint to the Teabag, check out our BOB).  This week, it’s none other than Josh Hamilton, the can’t miss/can’t miss a bar/found Jesus/loves the rock/doesn’t love the rock/just a matter of time before he falls off the wagon (again) kid.  You can say Josh had a pretty good offseason, signing a five year, $125 million dollar contract with the Angels.  But this goes to show you…even gobs of money won’t stop you from acting like a fool.

Josh, not content with looking at his bank account, found time to throw his old team, the Texas Rangers, and their fans, under the bus.  Josh complained that Dallas really wasn’t a baseball town, and that the fans are spoiled.  Now, these comments alone aren’t really eye-raising.  Sure, they’re dickish, but sometimes it’s ok to be dickish to your former employer.  However, there are rules for doing so.

If you were shunned and/or pushed out by your former club, then it’s ok.  No one gives Kevin Youkilis shit for ragging on the Red Sox.  Also, if your former Manager was Bobby Valentine, you get a lifetime pass.  But in Josh’s case, it’s different.

Josh was once the number one overall pick in the 1999 MLB draft for Tampa Bay.  However, he never realized his potential, primarily because he smoked and drank everything within a ten mile radius of the clubhouse.  Out of baseball, Josh returned in 2007 for one year with Cincinnati, and then parlayed that into five solid years with Texas…getting to two World Series and winning the AL MVP in 2010.  Sure, he had a couple of missteps (read: relapses) during those five years, but the Rangers stuck with him.  And that’s why he should kiss the ground they (and their fans) walk on.

Josh is just another example of talent trumping character…but even that has its limits.  Josh became a hero in Dallas because they stuck with him and waited for him to realize his potential…that, and averaging more than 28 homers and 101 RBI will do it.  We’re suckers for a feel good story of perseverance and conquering addictions.  Texas could have easily cut him during one of his mini-benders and no one would’ve batted an eye.  Sure, someone else would’ve given him (another) chance, but not to the tune of five years, $125 million.

No one should be thanking their old team more than Josh.  Seriously, for his introductory press conference in LA, he should’ve worn a throwback Nolan Ryan Angels  jersey and thanked his old boss for giving him the chance to become a star.  Instead, he shows his true colors by immediately turning his back on those who supported him the most.  After his comments went viral, Josh (read: his publicist) was quick to issue the “taken out of context” line the next day, but The Machine’s not buying that.  Query:  has the “taken out of context” line ever worked?  The Machine’s willing to bet it’s as successful as the “I didn’t realize that was your sister” line.

The Rangers already had a bad taste in their mouth from you based on your 0-4 (with two strikeouts) performance in the wildcard game last season (your last game with Texas).  This just pours salt over the wounds.

Without the Rangers, he’s likely tits up in some seedy motel getting tatted (again) or worse.  We’re hoping he has a solid support system in LA (Dr. Drew’s close by) and stays off the sauce.  We’re also hoping he learns some humility.

Step 1 is denial.  Step 2 is a teabag.

A new segment in The Machine’s ever expanding bag of tricks, we present to you the Badge of Badass, a/k/a the B.O.B.  What’s a Badge of Badass?  Well, it’s pretty self-explanatory.  While The Machine loves its Tuesday Teabags (and let’s be honest, it’s more fun to make fun of people) there are times when people do extraordinary things and should be duly recognized for their efforts.  So, from time to time, The Machine will hand out BOBs.  Still having trouble figuring out what qualifies for a BOB?  Read on.

The Machine’s inaugural BOB goes to Daniela Holmqvist, a 24 year old Swedish rookie on the LPGA.  Daniela was qualifying for the Australian Open on Tuesday and, while on the fourth hole, gets bit on the ankle by a black widow spider.  Yes, a fucking black widow, which looks like this, and for more fear inducing pictures, click here (The Machine just wet himself a little).

Daniela, with her leg swelling up, does something astonishing, instantly becoming a legend.  Channeling her inner MacGyver, she takes a golf tee, and slices open her leg to drain the poison out.  “A clear fluid came out,” Holmqvist said.  “It wasn’t the prettiest thing I’ve ever done but I had to get as much of it out of me as possible.”  Amazingly, she then finished her round, shooting a 74 and failing to qualify for the Open, but her efforts were by no means a failure.

This is one of the most courageous and fearless acts in all of sport…add in the fact that it’s a young, Swedish, female golfer (we’ve yet to Google image search her yet but are willing to bet she’s blonde and attractive) and this makes it very similar to a reoccurring dream of The Machine (minus the deadly spider bite).

Seriously, our modern day athletes are, by and large, self-absorbed prima donnas.  The days of Ronnie Lott telling the trainer to cut off his finger so he can go back in the game are long gone.  We have athletes complaining of hang nails, getting injured moving boxes and playing Guitar Hero.  Shit, LeBron won’t even play in the dunk competition because he’s too much of a pussy.  But Daniela deserves props for her incredible actions.  She also deserves a sponsorship from Black Widow golf grips and spikes.  Come on guys, that’s a no brainer.

Anyway, congrats Daniela on your BOB, and best of luck on the rest of the season.  You’ve got a new fan in The Machine.