Admittedly, it’s a slow week for teabags.  No significant arrests or other acts of tomfoolery to note.  In fact, the sports world has been pretty good natured and caring this week.  Louisville’s NCAA Championship, drawing inspiration from Kevin Ware?  Great storyline and impressive display of resolve by the Cardinals.  That video of Jack Hoffman, the 7 year old cancer patient who scored a touchdown during the Nebraska Cornhusker spring practice?  Downright heartwarming (see, The Machine has a sensitive side).  But fear not:  like a free lunch, there’s no such thing as a week free of teabags, and when in doubt, look for a famous athlete’s intra-family squabble.

That’s right, this week’s teabag focuses on the family of Johnny Unitas, and the making of the upcoming “hit” movie, Unitas We Stand (for horrible clichés).  Without knowing anything more about this movie, The Machine knows this has “straight to DVD” written all over it.  Sure, Johnny Unitas was a great player, an icon for his era, and the 1958 NFL Championship game against the Giants has been called the greatest game of all time.  But I’m going to need a little more than that.  Don’t get us wrong.  Johnny Unitas is a legend, but if you’re going to make a (successful) nonfiction movie about sports that occurred before 1980, there needs to be drama, Gene Hackman, or Will Smith.  Hoosiers.  Raging Bull.  Ali.  Now those are compelling sports stories (add 42 to that list too because that fits the mold as well).  Sorry, but we’re just not feeling it here, and we love sports movies (still waiting for Mighty Ducks 4).

But the snoozefest and inevitable Razzie award winner that this movie’s about to be isn’t the real story.  The real story involves the Unitas family itself.  Apparently, Johnny Unitas was as proficient off the field as he was on it…siring 8 kids via two marriages (Johnny just upped his street cred).  And this is where it gets good.  A fight is brewing between the children of Unitas’ first marriage (Original Recipe Unitas) and the children of his second marriage (Extra Crispy Unitas).  And it centers around who will play the coveted role of Johnny U.

You see, Joe Unitas (Extra Crispy Unitas) casted Joe Flacco to play the part of his dad.  This did not sit well with John Unitas Jr. (Original Recipe Unitas), who called Flacco a “goofball” and not worthy of playing the role.  Choosing Flacco “is a joke” claimed John Unitas Jr., who argued that the part should have gone to Peyton Manning.  J.C. Unitas, an Original Recipe grandchild, took his argument to Facebook, calling Flacco an “embarrassing choice.”  Also, Unitas’ second wife, Sandra, unsuccessfully sued John Unitas Jr. over control of Unitas Management Corp., which controls the rights to Johnny Unitas’ name.  Now who doesn’t want to be at that Thanksgiving dinner table?

So who’s right?  Well, Peyton is clearly more Unitas-like.  An iconic figure and living legend, he played for the Colts (Johnny’s team), broke all of Unitas’ team passing records, will go down as one of the best to ever play, and is camera friendly (is there a commercial he’s not in?).  But Flacco’s no slouch.  He’s the current “it” quarterback:  Superbowl MVP, plays for Baltimore (Johnny’s city), and (for now) is the highest paid QB in the game.  Flacco’s knock, despite just winning the Superbowl, is that he’s not one of the greats (he’s not even Top 5 of current QBs, let alone of all time). 

The Machine’s no movie critic (we thought Beer League got snubbed) but we got a suggestion:  hire a real actor.  That’s their job.  Sure, Peyton’s no stranger to the camera, that dude can sell Papa John’s pizzas like no one else, and he killed it on SNL, but does he have the chops to act on the big screen?  And Flacco, what does he know about playing like an elite quarterback?  Kind of like asking Octomom for parenting advice.  That would be one hell of an acting job on his part.

Seriously, could there be a more first world problem:  which superstar NFL quarterback gets to play my dad?  And while The Machine prefers to watch family dramas unfold via Maury (the results are in…you ARE the father) these classy folks will forego daytime television and go straight to the courtroom.  Ironic, because if this movie ever gets made, that’s exactly where it’s going.  We’re guessing Original Recipe Unitas files an injunction against Extra Crispy Unitas to block the release of the film, thus dragging this fight out for years. 

Bottom line:  nothing says “I love you dad” more than publicly tarnishing the family name. 

Enjoy your teabag.