Tuesday Teabag, February 5, 2013 – Post-Super Bro™ Hangover

Yes, the worst day after the Super Bowl is Tuesday.  Not Monday…Monday you’re too hung over to care and still pissed that you were this close to winning the final numbers on your squares (was that safety really necessary?).  Yup, it’s Tuesday, when you’ve sobered up, stopped burping chicken wings and taco dip, that it hits you:  Football’s over.  It’s a horrible feeling…an empty void that can’t be replaced.  It’s like your favorite pet gets killed every February. 

Not to get too overdramatic, but what do you do with your life now?  Well, for starters, you can focus on other things…like the Draft (80 days and counting).  And, you still have us, and we’re not done with the Super Bro™ yet.  So, because we’re not ready to let go, here’s our analysis of the Super Bro™, Teabag-style.

Jim Harbaugh.  Dammit Jim, The Machine was pulling for you.  We knew the Ravens had that look of destiny to them, eerily reminiscent of last year’s New York Giants…they had an up and down regular season, were beset by injuries, had a quarterback many refused to call elite, and were underdogs throughout the playoffs.  We knew that, yet still picked the Niners to win (although did pick the Ravens ATS) because you had that crazy look to you.  On a scale of 1 to bat shit, you registered a solid bat shit.  So, we thought your bat shit crazy (what real journalists would call passion or tenacity) would trump destiny.  The balls of steel you displayed by starting C-Kap and taking the read option to the next level would be too much for Baltimore to handle.  You were the sexy pick…the Fifty Shades of Gray.  It felt right.  So good.  We wanted more…we needed more…give it to us (splashes cold water on genitals).  Umm…moving on.

So, imagine our disgust when, with the game on the line, first and goal at the 7, you shed your Fifty Shades zipper mask and go straight up missionary style:  First down, run LaMichael James (2 yards), second down, incomplete pass to Crabtree, third down, incomplete pass to Crabtree, fourth down, incomplete pass to Crabtree.  Worst of all:  no pistol formation.  No creativity.  In short:  no crazy.  This can only be chalked up to an epic failure on your part.  Forget the holding call…you lost when you lined up goal line formation.  Your crazy is a fine line:  when you win, you’re lauded as a hard-nosed fighter that coaches with his heart on his sleeve.  When you lose, those same antics turn you in to a whining, sniveling, little brother that runs to tattle tale on big brother and creates excuses why it wasn’t your fault.  Listen up little bro, that loss is on you.

Randy Moss.  The (self-proclaimed) greatest receiver ever had two receptions for 41 yards, no touchdowns, and is now 0-2 in Super Bowls.  FYI, Jerry went 5/77/1 in has last Super Bowl, and is the only player ever to catch a touchdown pass in 4 different Super Bowls. #respectJerry

Ray Lewis.  The Machine wasn’t so much rooting for the Niners as we were rooting against you.  Everything you (read: your PR people) have attempted to achieve in the past dozen years rebuilding your image is bullshit.  Sure, it’s going to get you a cushy network job at ESPN, but at the end of the day, you covered up the murder of two men, have 6 kids with 4 different women (#wrapitup), and allegedly used illegal PEDs.  You can’t hide from deer antler spray gate.  Despite your vehement denials, if it is your voice on tape, you will (finally) be exposed for the fraud you are.  We’ll give you 6 years (one year after you get in the HOF) to publish your tell all book, where you’ll finally come out and bare your soul.

Commercials. As a whole, the commercials sucked.  Despite what the left tells you, the Volkswagen commercial is not racist, it’s just not funny.  Bar Refaeli making out with the 30 year old virgin is weird, and is anyone going to drink Bud Black Crown? (no).  Best commercial goes to Taco Bell and the old people breaking out of the nursing home. 

Beyonce.  Despite what the right tells you, Beyonce nailed the halftime show.  #girlgotgame.  Although The Machine will continue to question the use of fireworks in a dome, her performance was by far the best in a long time.  Hopefully, the geriatric halftime shows of the past few years (Madonna, Paul McCartney, Tom Petty) are over, although The Machine is already starting a campaign for Jovi to play the halftime show next year in Giants stadium.

So there you have it…a collection of Super Bro™ teabags, with the exception of Bey, who we’d actually like to teabag.  But fear not.  Even though football’s over, there’s still plenty of teabags to go around, and we’ll be here to bring ‘em to you.

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