Somewhere along the line, probably in one of those father/son teaching moments, The Machine was told to never kick a man when they’re down.  Considering we spend one article a week completely trashing people for the dumb stuff they do and say, clearly that advice was well taken.  Papa Machine must be proud.

Anyway, we can’t help but pile the trash on top of Lance Armstrong.  While normally reserved to people with two functioning testicles (is it really a teabag with just one?), your actions over the past few days leave us with no other choice.  Confessing on Oprah?  Really, dude.  That’s so 1994.  Was Montell Williams booked? 

You know, it’s not so much that he used performance enhancing drugs and participated (read: orchestrated) the greatest blood-doping scheme ever.  Loyal readers of The Machine know that we really don’t care that much about athletes and doping.  It’s been going on forever and will continue to go on forever.  And, not to get too far off topic, but what’s the difference between steroids (illegal) and cortisone shots and painkillers (prescribed liberally by every team doctor)?  But I digress…

No Lance, the real reason you’re in our crosshairs is the way you went about it all.  You didn’t just issue denials.  You loudly proclaimed to the world that you never took drugs, were the most tested athlete ever, and that you past every drug test.  You went so far as to sue newspapers and (former) friends for claiming otherwise.  That takes stones, or, in your case, stone.  And, to top it all off, after your 7 Tour de France titles were stricken, you post a picture of yourself lounging in your house under your Tour de France jerseys.  FYI, nothing says “I’m the biggest d-bag of all-time” then posing in front of invalidated trophies.

Also let’s not forget your (soon to be defunct) Livestrong Foundation and the millions of cancer patients (including many children) that you defrauded.  You, probably more than any other athlete because of your battle with cancer, were a role model.  People were touched by your story and wanted to “live strong” because of it.  Not only did people look up to you, but people who desperately needed hope to stay alive looked up to you.  That has been irretrievably broken.

And, perhaps worst of all, you validated the French.  The Machine (and the rest of ‘Merica) took great pleasure in having a good old boy from the States (a rootin’, shootin’ Texan no less) travel to the land of the cowards time and time again and take home their most coveted trophy.  We (and by we I mean the Western Hemisphere) don’t give a shit about cycling.  All we know is that the French really like it and thus, we hate it. 

The Machine’s willing to bet that, in your warped sense of reality, you thought that, because of all the good you did with Livestrong, that that somehow balances out all the lies, and people should be able to separate the two and still think of you like a God.  The Machine’s also willing to bet that you’re one of these assholes that, after apologizing for egregious conduct, can’t understand why people won’t move on (“I said I’m sorry what more do you want?”) 

Yes folks, make no mistake about it.  Lance’s “apology” is as much of an orchestrated ploy as his doping scheme.  Unless you think it was mere coincidence that he chose now to come forward, think about this.  The statute of limitations for perjury is 7 years.  Care to guess when he testified under oath that he never used drugs?  That’s right, 2005.  This is (yet another) f-you move on your part.  Flipping the bird to the feds right after the expiration of the statute of limitations, while smart legally, is just another example of your dickishness, and how the only thing you’re really sorry for is getting caught.

Keep a close eye on our boy Lance.  He is slowly trying to transform himself into the victim.  Next, he’ll give some money back to sponsors (reportedly $5 million, note: it’s easy to give $5 million away when you have over $100 million) plus probably make amends by ratting out to the feds, and becoming a spokesperson against drugs (3-1 odds says he’s out in public wearing a DARE t-shirt by March). 

Hopefully, we don’t let you off the hook and re-establish yourself as America’s darling (see Ray Lewis).  Instead, The Machine hopes you get the Pete Rose treatment.  That you’ll be at a table next to the Arc de Triomphe signing autographs during the Tour de France, or in the parking lot outside the Cycling convention (if such a thing exists).  You deserve nothing more.

Enjoy your Tuesday Teabag.  Hopefully it’s the last thing you’ll ever win.