Bully, or Employee of the Month?

Yesterday, The Machine awarded our Tuesday Teabag to Richie Incognito (whose name, we’re told, is code for “Dick in Disguise”) for his bullying/harassment of Jonathon Martin and subsequent suspension from the Dolphins.  The story seems simply:  a player with a known history of anger issues and being a douche clown harassed and intimidated a teammate.  Everyone was quick to jump on the “Condemn Richie” bandwagon.  However, this story has elevated to Manti Te’o crazy…we’re learning new things constantly, and it just keeps getting crazier and crazier.  And because journalistic integrity is super important to The Machine, we want to give you the latest, which is this:

Richie Incognito is a victim.

Let that marinate for a second, and then hear us out.  Yesterday, we (astutely) said the following:  “Makes you think that [the Dolphins are] taking it seriously not because they just found out about it, but because everyone else did.”

Bingo!  That’s exactly what’s happened.  Last night, the Sun Sentinel reported that Dolphins coaches instructed Incognito to “toughen up” Martin, and that’s what led to Richie leaving that voice message and his persistent targeting of him.  And the timing supports this.  The voice mail in question was left in April, right after Martin missed two days of (voluntary) team practices.  That’s when Richie, known as the Team Enforcer, was told by coaches to contact Martin to “get him in the fold.”  He did it at the direction of his employer, and now he’s being held out as the sacrificial lamb for doing his job. 

Now, of course the Dolphins will say that they didn’t know what Richie was going to say, they never told him to say those things, and that he crossed the line.  That all may be true, it’s all after the fact, cover your ass bullshit.  Why didn’t the Dolphins ask Ryan Tannehill to reach out to Martin?  Because they wanted to send the right message, and now the Dolphins are doing everything they can to distance themselves from the messenger.

But it’s too little too late.  It’s like hiring Ron Jeremy to teach your son about sex, and then getting pissed when he goes for the money shot on the neighbor’s daughter. 

Richie, get back there and practice that message again, this time with a little more flare!

So how is Richie the victim?  Perhaps he really had changed his ways (or was trying to) but the team kept calling on him to be the Enforcer, the take no prisoners asshole that gets everyone in line.  Maybe he was just doing his job, perhaps overzealously, but still at the direction of his employer.  That explains why there is more support for Richie in the Dolphins locker room than Martin.  He was doing what he was told, for the betterment of the team.  The same team that callously used him and then tossed him aside.

There are a ton of things wrong here, and by wrong we mean actionable conduct that the league will be forced to investigate.  First, the fact that the team is (allegedly) pressuring players to attend voluntary team workouts.  These voluntary practices are exactly that…voluntary, and they are voluntary because that are specifically bargained for in the Collective Bargaining Agreement between the league and the NFLPA.  Any violation by a team of the CBA is a big no-no, what lawyers refer to as a ULP (Unfair Labor Practice).  To use another legal term:  that’s some serious shit.

Also, it seems that the Dolphins not only knew that Richie was harassing Martin, but instructed him to do so.  Can you say hostile work environment?  An employer ordering an employee to “toughen up” another employee is frowned upon, especially when the employer asks someone known as “the Enforcer” to do their bidding.

The Dolphins quick response to this issue, while championed by folks as showing the world that they’re not going to tolerate this sort of behavior, is all a smokescreen, designed to protect the organization.  However, the spotlight has been (rightfully) put on the team, and The Machine’s willing to bet that the Dolphins aren’t going to be able to withstand scrutiny.  We’re thinking fines, potential loss of draft picks, and suspensions from the coaching staff.  Coach Philbin has some explaining to do. 

This has now become larger than Richie Incognito (don’t worry, he’s still worthy of his Teabag).  This has changed from a player (on his own) harassing a teammate into a team-sanctioned policy of violating the CBA and actively assisting in creating a hostile work environment.  Heads are going to roll.

Who knows where this will end, but this much is for sure:  there’s still a lot more crazy to be uncovered.

O’Doyle Rules!!!

When is too much of a good thing bad?  Look no further than this week’s Tuesday Teabag Award recipient, Richie Incognito.  Richie took an innocent thing that is rookie pranks (or hazing if you’re a liberal with no sense of humor) to a whole new level, and in the process is the first player banned for being a bully. #thisaintyourdaddysnfl

Bullying is all the rage in high school, prompting an outpour of anti-bullying campaigns.  #bulliesaremean #stopitdouche.  [sidebar:  The Machine (not so) fondly remembers being ridiculed for our (sweet looking) ginger locks EVERY DAY in high school…way to come late to the party you anti-bullying freaks].  I guess it shouldn’t be a surprise that this behavior exists outside of high school, and it shouldn’t be any surprise that this type of behavior exists in an NFL locker room.  But Richie took it to a whole new level.

Last week, it was announced that Miami Dolphin Jonathon Martin, a second year pro out of Stanford, took a leave of absence from the team after suffering an “emotional breakdown” in the lunch room after he was teased by other players.  [sidebar:  NFL teams have lunch rooms?  Shit, it really is like high school.]  As soon as this story broke, The Machine thought two things:  (1) there’s way more to this story, and (2) Richie Incognito’s involved.

Why would we think Richie’s involved?  First, one look at the guy screams “uncontrollable rage” and “meathead”.  Then, there’s this.  And this.  And this.  And this.  Here’s a nice timeline of his dickbag behavior.  Oh, and Richie is annually rated as one of the most dirtiest players in the NFL.  Yeah, he’s a special kind of asshole.  However, when the story first broke, we thought maybe Martin’s a bit over-sensitive and that his tenure at Stanford didn’t really prepare him for the good-natured ribbing that goes on in the NFL.  Then, we learned that Richie (allegedly) forced Martin to pay $15k to cover the cost for a trip to Las Vegas (that Martin didn’t even go on).  Then, we learned that Richie (allegedly) left the following voice message to Martin:

“Hey, wassup, you half n—– piece of s—. I saw you on Twitter, you been training 10 weeks. [I want to] s— in your f—ing mouth. [I’m going to] slap your f—ing mouth. [I’m going to] slap your real mother across the face [laughter]. F— you, you’re still a rookie. I’ll kill you.”

Wowee.  And, we’re willing to bet that’s just the tip of the iceberg.  The Machine’s money is on a treasure trove of incriminating evidence against Richie.  It’s a combination of (a) Richie’s that dumb to leave voice messages and probably texts and e-mails too, and (b) Martin’s that smart to keep it all.

And Miami had no choice but to suspend Incognito, especially after the (alleged) voice message that made Riley Cooper look like choir boy.  You know that, for the Dolphins to suspend him, the conduct had to be egregious by any reasonable standard.

Why is that?  Because the NFL (and every sports league in the world) tolerates a certain level of hazing.  You always hear of rookies being tied to the goalposts, or having to carry the veterans’ shoulder pads to practice, or picking up the dinner tab for the team.  These things are reported almost matter-of-factly.  Of course that’s going to happen, and we’re ok with that.  These are grown ass millionaires, and the rookies need to be taught a lesson by the veterans.  It’s all about respect.  But, too much of a good thing can be bad.  And in this case, the “good thing” has turned into harassment.

True to his character, Richie refuses to stand down, and, instead of keeping a low profile, has taken to Twitter to defend himself/threaten the media:

@AdamSchefter Enough is enough If you or any of the agents you sound off for have a problem with me, you know where to find me #BRINGIT

— Richie incognito (@68INCOGNITO) November 3, 2013

@espn shame on you for attaching my name to false speculation. I won’t be holding my breathe for an apology

— Richie incognito (@68INCOGNITO) November 3, 2013

@AdamSchefter Stop slandering my name. You hide behind “sources” who are not man enough to put their name behind the BS you report

— Richie incognito (@68INCOGNITO) November 3, 2013

@espn @CBSSports @NBCSports @FOXSports @ProFootballTalk I want my name CLEARED

— Richie incognito (@68INCOGNITO) November 3, 2013

We’re going to go out on a limb here and say that threatening people on social media is probably not the best way to go about restoring your name.  We’re also willing to bet that Richie’s played his last game in the NFL (imminent departure alert:  we bet the Dolphins release him by the end of the week).  But don’t give them too much credit.  It’s easy for the Dolphins and the league to come down hard on him…it’s 100% clear he’s in the wrong, just like it’s easy to cut the bench player that gets popped for a DWI but not the star player.

Clearly someone in the front office watches Glee, because it looks like they’re taking this seriously, however the question remains:  are they really taking it seriously, or are they forced to because of the severity of it?  There are broader questions here for the league to answer.  What about other “normal” rookie participation events, like being tied to the goalpost, carrying shoulder pads, and getting stuck with the dinner bill?  How far is the NFL going to go to police this conduct?  What about last year, when JPP threw Prince Amukamara in the cold tub because Prince was perceived as “soft.”  Is that too much?  Where do you draw the line?

It’s easy to draw the line with Richie (surprisingly, he still has some supporters in the locker room).  The league must be (silently) happy that it’s this clear-cut.  But what about the (soon to be organized) group of people (likely the same people who want Redskins changed) that will argue for anti-bullying laws?  Will the league step in and regulate other conduct that has historically been tolerated/encouraged as “team-building exercises”?  We’re willing to bet that the average NFL fan (and player) would not be in favor of banning (or regulating) the other conduct mentioned above.  It would be viewed by many as a further wussification of the NFL.  A place where tolerance and individuality are appreciated?  Fuck that, carry my bags rook.

And, something that’s being overlooked here, but the Dolphins played off of Richie’s bad-boy behavior?  What do we mean?  Here’s the pre-game video played before Dolphins games:

They knew he was a ticking timebomb, and there’s no way they just became aware of what he was doing to Martin.  Makes you think that they’re taking it seriously not because they just found out about it, but because everyone else did.

It will be interesting to see where the league takes this, but that’s a story for another day.  In the meantime, if Richie wants to play professional football again, he better read a few chapters of The Machine’s book, “The Perception of Compliance” (let’s be honest folks, there’s no way he really going to change, he’s from New Jersey after all).  We’re not sure if he has any small children (biologically or being held against their will) but if he does he should bring them to a playground ASAP.  Cover up the tatted arms and be all smiles while your child (actual or kidnap victim) plays on the see-saw.  Perhaps a photo or two at the Dairy Queen where your faces are covered in chocolate ice cream AND rainbow sprinkles (using both shows your racial and gender orientation sensitivity).  You can bang that out in an afternoon and have plenty of time left in the day to hate minority groups and the gays (% that Richie’s a homophobe:  1000%).

Embarking on an “I’m the victim” campaign ain’t gonna cut it, not when those (alleged) voice mails get leaked, and continuing to threaten people on Twitter probably isn’t the right strategy either.  If he’s smart, he lays low for a while and then comes out with a big mea culpa and a Certificate of Sensitivity Training.  However, we all know that’s a big if.

Enjoy your teabag.

Get off my lawn, punks!

Admittedly, The Machine doesn’t know much about NASCAR, outside of Ricky Bobby and Dick Trickle (he he).  Can anyone explain to us why its biggest race (the Daytona 500, the Super Bowl of NASCAR) is the first race of the year?  What we do know about NASCAR—formed from us having attended one NASCAR race plus our innate ability to accurately stereotype people—is this:.  (i) drinking is required, (ii) smoking is encouraged, and (iii) you can use the phrase “git-r-done” un-mockingly (“come on Kenseth, git-r-done on the outside!”).  Also, 100% of the People of Wal-Mart are NASCAR fans. 

But what we lack in general automotive knowledge (why aren’t the cars automatic, and where are the fucking doors?) we make up in understanding a good old pissing contest, and we got a good one brewing on the track.

Kevin Harvick (or #29 to the NASCAR fan) is a driver for Richard Childress Racing, but not for long.  He’s leaving RCR at the end of the year to sign with rival Stewart-Haas Racing [wait, how can you still be under contract yet already have a deal to go to another team?].  He’s been with RCR for 13 years, so naturally there’s a lot of history between them, and both sides should try and end things on the right note.  Or not.

The future of RCR: Cowboy hats and designer shades.

It seems that the main problem Harvick has with RCR is that he’s being pushed out in favor of Ty and Austin Dillon, who just happen to be Richard Childress’ grandsons.  This all came to a head on Saturday night, during a Truck Series race. [Note: is Truck Series NASCAR?  How can some people race both cars and trucks in different series?]

Harvick was running second with 12 laps to go, and Ty – his teammate – was running third.  Ty, trying to pass his “teammate”, hits him from behind causing an accident.  The accident causes Harvick to finish 30^th (Ty finished 22^nd).  But post-race things got really interesting…as in Jerry Springer interesting.

A pissed off Harvick went to seek out Ty, and, while he was in Dillon’s pit stall [whatever that is] Dillon’s crew member threw a hammer at his truck.  This only added fuel to the fire.  Said Harvick, “I don’t care what they throw at me.  That’s exactly the reason I’m leaving RCR is because you’ve got those punk-ass kids coming up.”  Wanting to make sure his get your ball out of my yard message was received, Harvick continued.  “Exactly the reason why I’m leaving RCR because you’ve got those kids coming up and they’ve got no respect for what they do in this sport and they’ve had everything fed to them with a spoon.”

Hates old people, except Grandaddy Moneybags.

21-year-old Ty, confirming the disdain that the youth of today have for adults, said “I don’t care what Kevin Harvick said.  I don’t think anybody does.”  Harvick did later apologize, but the damage was already done.

The Machine’s take:  this isn’t, excuse me, ain’t the NASCAR we’ve come to know and stereotype.  We thought all NASCAR disputes were settled via a case of Old Milwaukie and a boot to the head…but reasonably explaining your emotions to the media and then apologizing for your comments???  That isn’t, sorry, ain’t NASCAR.  Also, Ty and Austin?  Those ain’t NASCAR names, sounds like they belong at the country club, not the racetrack.  Rusty, Junior, Denny, Robbie.  Those are NASCAR names.  And, lost in all of this was the fact that the Dale Wallace Jr. (great NASCAR name, btw) won the race, becoming the first African-American driver to win a NASCAR race in over 50 years.  What???  Commence mind being blown.

We feel bad for Harvick.  It’s clear he’s being pushed out of RCR for “the future” and it’s clear the future is two spoiled, entitled rich kids, the antithesis of everything NASCAR.  However, if Harvick wants to instill old-school NASCAR values into these young whipper snappers, he needs to do it the NASCAR way: crank up the country, put on your shit kickers, and git-r-done!  The only way you’ll get through to the youth of today is by humbling them at their own game.  We’re hoping Harvick spins out that sumbitch on the track next year.  Rubbin’ is racin’!

Will this controversy get us to watch NASCAR?  Probably not, but, as the most watched sport in America, they’re certainly not hurting for fans.  The most watched sport in America?  Damn, we really are (willfully) ignorant of the rest of the country…perhaps due to our (genuine) fear of the South.  But we do know this:  if you’re ever stuck in a conversation with NASCAR people, or made a wrong turn and ended up in Talladega or a Bass Pro Shop, just utter the following phrase:  “Junior aint’ never gunna be like his daddy!”  That should get you out of most jams.

Shake and bake.

Enjoy your teabag.

Thanks Peyton for all your hard work…dick.

Loyal readers of The Machine know that we love excessive displays of wealth, power, and crazy.  It’s why we love A-Rod, Mike Tyson, RHONJ, and 80’s Hair Metal.  But even we have our limits…and our limit is reached when it comes to Jim Irsay.

Irsay is the owner of the Colts.  He’s outspoken and passionate, loves guitars, and is a huge fan of Twitter.  These things aren’t necessarily bad (ok, a 54-year-old man with a Twitter hard-on is a bit much) but throw in an over-bearing personality that loves to show off his wealth while at the same time professing he’s one of us, and it’s too much.  As an owner, he subscribes to the Jerry Jones School of Ownership Meddling, and that puts him in the middle of our crosshairs.

The Sunday night game featured the (previously) undefeated Broncos at the Colts.  Peyton Manning coming back to Indy to face his old team, you know, the team (and Owner) who thought he wasn’t good enough to keep playing.  Andrew Luck ready to show the world he’s ready to be the next great Colts QB.  A lot of meaningful storylines that added drama to this anticipated matchup.  And then there’s Irsay.

In the weeks leading up to the big game, Irsay wasted no time making sure the Peyton Manning bridge to Indy was completely burned.  In what can only be considered a backhanded compliment, Irsay noted the following in an interview with USA Today: 

“We’ve changed our model a little bit, because we wanted more than one of these,” Irsay says, flicking up his right hand to show his Super Bowl XLI championship ring.

“(Tom) Brady never had consistent numbers, but he has three of these,” Irsay adds. “Pittsburgh had two, the Giants had two, Baltimore had two and we had one. That leaves you frustrated.”

“You make the playoffs 11 times, and you’re out in the first round seven out of 11 times. You love to have the Star Wars numbers from Peyton and Marvin (Harrison) and Reggie (Wayne). Mostly, you love this.”  Then, Irsay flicks up his right hand again.

Now, obviously this was a dig at Peyton, and it was universally received as such.  John Fox, coach of the Broncos, called it “disappointing and inappropriate” and Todd Helton, yes the baseball player, called Irsay classless and an idiot.  This prompted Irsay to go to Twitter to set the record straight (note: the record has never been set straight via Twitter).

https://

My comments meant if we gave Peyton better SP Teams n Def,we would have won more than 1 Sup/Bowl,instead of asking Peyton 2do too much

— Jim Irsay (@JimIrsay) October 16, 2013

Yeah, that totally makes sense.  If that’s the case, why didn’t you say that?  We’d have more respect for Irsay if he stood by his comments.  Instead, he blames “the media” for twisting his words and (very logically) adding meaning to what he says.

As luck would have it (pun intended), the Colts won on Sunday night.  This win alone speaks volumes, and should give Irsay all the satisfaction he needs.  However, like every mega-ego maniac, Irsay wasn’t satisfied with letting the win do the talking.  Back to Twitter!   

https://

What a Night! Great Video Tribute for #18,as our Fans cheered! Great Win as my Team gave me the VICTORIOUS Game Ball! SWEET! I was Humbled!

— Jim Irsay (@JimIrsay) October 21, 2013

Ok, nice job trying to (re)build the Manning bridge (and good job recognizing that your fanbase still views him as a demi-god and would pick him over you any day).  Then, things took a quick turn to crazy.

https://

I do pray for you unhappy,shit-slingers…who wants to live on a planet with those who don’t like themselves..we want happy,kind people:)

— Jim Irsay (@JimIrsay) October 21, 2013

Then, perhaps addressing (legitimate) questions like “hey man, it’s 3:00 in the morning and you’re dropping shit-slingers on Twitter…you hammered?” Irsay clarified his state of mind: 

https://

Actually working,sorry naysayers..I don’t drink…haven’t in over 15 years..I know when your unhappy or jealous it’s easy to b mean-spirited

— Jim Irsay (@JimIrsay) October 21, 2013

 

And why haven’t you thrown one back in over 15 years, Jim?  Oh yeah, that’s why. 

Blue hair and glazed eyes definitely not alcohol induced.

Ok Jim, The Machine’s going to level with you:  stop being a fame whore owner.  You’ve done a good job building, and now rebuilding, the Colts.  Let that serve as your body of work.  Trashing former players, folding like a two dollar hooker when called out, and otherwise acting like a douche is not the way to go.  Your eccentricities will eventually wear everyone down and turn them against you (see Davis, Al). 

Nothing says “average joe” like posing in front of a dozen custom-made guitars and a Super Bowl trophy.

And stop trying to be a man of the people.  You’re not one of us, buddy, and you’re not a Mark Cuban-like success story.  You’re the owner of the Colts because your daddy was the owner of the Colts.  Shit, the only things my dad gave me were bad knees and a receding hairline.

And stop tweeting so much, unless you want to RT this article.  That’s cool.

Enjoy your Teabag.