You know the old saying:  teabags come in three.  Well, that certainly holds true this week, as there are a triumvirate of teabagable head coaches. 

First up, Jason Kidd (how much longer can we call him coach?) for his drink spill timeout (see below).  I’ve seen better acting on the CW (don’t hate on The Vampire Diaries and Supernatural).  Kidd was fined $50,000 for his antics but his real penalty is continuing to be coach of the Nets

Next up, Pittsburgh Steelers Coach Mike Tomlin, on Thanksgiving Night, for his inexplicable entrance onto the field, which coincidentally (wink) just happened to be the exact moment Jacoby Jones was running down the sideline returning a kickoff for a touchdown.  Tomlin explained he was trying to get a better view of the jumbotron.  Really?  Were they doing the Kissing Cam?  Is there a better seat in the house than on the sidelines?  The NFL has yet to hand down a penalty, but we all know RGI doesn’t like when people mess with the integrity of the game.  Machine’s guess:  $100k fine (no loss of draft pick) and that’s taking into account Tomlin’s solid reputation.

But the real teabag winner this week is Nick Saban, head coach of the Alabama Crimson Tide.  We’ve all seen the highlights; those of us who watched it live are still in awe.  Here it is again:

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This entire college football season (until Saturday) was summed up as: what team will lose to Alabama in the National Championship Game?  There was this feeling of inevitability.  Saban is the Bill Belechik of College Football (circa 2003), and Bama was just going through the motions on its way to a third straight national championship.  But who knew Saban was actually Bill Belechik circa 2007 (18-1, bitches!).  Make no mistake:  Nick Saban lost that game for Alabama, with a series of questionable coaching decisions.  Late in the fourth quarter, with the Tide up 7, Saban decides to go for it on 4^th and 1 from the 13 yard line, instead of kicking a (short) 30 yard FG.  Sure, his kicker had already missed two, but being up 2 scores is worth it.  FYI, prior to Saturday, your kicker had never missed a FG shorter than 40 yards, so chances are good he hits from 30…or, how about you decide to switch kickers then, instead of bringing the new guy in to try a 57 yard FG when he’s only made one FG in his entire career, which was 20 yards, btw. 

Knowing that there was a good chance that the FG would be short, Saban should have put some players on the field that would be able to defend against a potential return.  He didn’t, and The Machine ventures to guess it’s because of his extreme arrogance and feeling of superiority.  That arrogance and superiority has helped Saban to build his program into what it is (they’re still the best team in the country).  But when that ego grows too large, you begin to think that no one can beat you, no matter what.  Therefore, any decision you make will be the right one.  Sorry Nick, enjoy your big fat piece of humble pie.

It’s not my fault the players choked!

What’s even worse was his comments after the game, where he basically threw his players (read: college kids) under the bus.  On Auburn’s touchdown tying drive with 32 seconds left:  “The corner is suppose to stay with the guy. The corner did not stay with the guy. You have to have tremendous discipline to play against this offense. We made a mental error in coverage that cost us a touchdown.”  Way to stand behind your players.  On Adam Griffith, the redshirt freshman who missed the 57 yard FG:  “Griff makes them from 60 yards in practice so there was a shot.”  Great, so now Griff’s a choker who can’t kick when it counts.  On Cade Foster, his kicker that missed 3 FG during the game:  “The fact of the matter is that we did not make plays when we needed to.  Whether it was a made field goal with a penalty or a missed field goal after that.”  Thanks, Coach, you know that kicker is receiving death threats, right?

The fact that Saban, instead of standing behind his players (how about highlighting the fact that Cade Foster had made 11 consecutive FG and had only missed one all season) and instead of putting the blame on his shoulders, blamed his 18-22 year old players for poor execution is pathetic, and shows that there is no end to his arrogance (he couldn’t possibly have contributed to the loss, right?).  Saban may be revered as God-like in Tuscaloosa, but he showed his true colors in the aftermath of Saturday’s game.  And make no mistake, crazy obsessed Alabama fans:  Saban will bolt as soon as he feels his status as God has been diminished, and will go somewhere that will put him back to God status.  Hello, Texas.

But for now, just live with the fact that he, and he alone, is responsible for ruining your season/life (and McCarron’s chance at the Heisman).  But at lease now you and Nick Saban have something in common:  you’ll both be watching the National Championship on TV this year.

Enjoy your teabag.

Got 99 problems but Cano ain’t one (yet).

We interrupt this NFL season to bring you some news from the diamond.  We’re just two weeks away from Baseball’s Winter Meetings, and things are starting to heat up.  Not familiar with the phenomenon that is the Winter Meetings?  It’s the one time a year where GMs and Execs from all 30 teams get together to discuss current issues in baseball (why no one under 50 watches), potential rule changes (expanded instant replay), and free agents.  There’s more excitement in the Winter Meetings than the first half of the baseball season.  There’s also more bullshit than a Congressional hearing on Obamacare, especially when it comes to free agents.

In the weeks leading up to the Winter Meetings, teams and shameless agents will try to pimp create buzz for their players, in the hopes of striking it rich at the Winter Meetings, or planting the seeds to strike it rich.  And there’s no better example than this than with Robinson Cano.

Cano is the prize jewel of this years’ free agency class.  He’s played his entire 9 year career with the Yankees, and is now looking to ca$h in on free agency.  Sure, he’s a great player that will add value to any lineup.  But is he a player you build your team around?  Is he a franchise player?  Well, if you believe his agents, he’s that and much, much more.

Yes, Cano’s sports agent, led by Jay Z and Roc Nation Sports, are playing crazy hardball trying to drive up the price.  First, they are pushing for a 10 year, $310 million dollar contract.  The Yankees have offered 7 years, $160 million.  $310 million would easily make Cano the highest paid player in baseball, but that’s not even the craziest thing.  No, the crazy part is Team Cano is comparing him to Michael Jordan.  Wait, what?  You don’t throw out an MJ comparison unless you can be damn sure to back it up.  As a general rule, we loathe when people make MJ comparisons…only Kobe comes close.  And in Cano’s case, it’s not even close.

Before we get to the MJ thing, let’s look at some other factors, like stats.  Here’s Cano’s numbers compared to A-Rod’s first 9 full years in the league. 

Cano’s numbers are good, really good, but they’re not A-Rod numbers, and Cano’s looking to crush A-Rod’s 10 year, $275 million contract.  Despite all the hype from Hova, there’s no way he should even come close to getting A-Rod money, and, unless something crazy happens, he won’t.  Here’s why.

Cano as MJ? Not. Even. Close.

Star Power

This is what’s most infuriating with the MJ comparison.  Quick:  when you think of current Yankees, who comes to mind?  How long did it take you to get to Cano?  Be honest.  Jeter, A-Rod, Mo, then maybe Cano (arguably CC, Tex, and Grandy could go before Cano).  It’s not even close when you consider past Yankees.  Ok, now when you think of the Chicago Bulls, past, present or future, how long does it take you to get to Jordan?  Shit, when you think of the word Chicago or basketball, how long does it take you to get to Jordan?  Exactly.

Cano is not an iconic, face of the franchise/league player like MJ.  As the Daily News points out, Cano has the 5^th highest selling jersey for NY players (Christ he’s behind two Mets) and doesn’t even have the highest selling jersey for second basemen, trailing Dustin Pedroia.  Jordan trails nobody, and since the NBA started tracking jersey sales in 1998, Jordan still reigns supreme. 

Age

Numbers don’t lie, and Cano’s on the wrong side of 30.  He’s 31, and seeking a 10 year contract.  Do you think the recent horrible long-term contracts given to star players in their 30’s…like A-Rod and Pujols, are fresh in the minds of baseball execs?  Indeed.  Cano’s got about 5 more consistently productive years left, and then it drops off.  The Machine thinks the best he’ll do is a 7 year deal with a player option for 8, and club option for 9.

No other suitors

Despite being the biggest talent, there’s no market for Cano, because everyone knows his demands are ridiculous.  It’s just the Yankees.  Perhaps the Mets step up as a bidder…they certainly have a strong track record of making horrible baseball decisions.  Quick trivia question:  who’s the highest paid outfielder on the Mets?  Answer:  Bobby Bonilla.  Yes, even though Bobby hasn’t played a game in over 12 years, the Mets pay him over $1 million a year until 2035.  Holy shit.  So, I guess you can’t count the Mets out, but so far it’s only the Yankees, who are wise to sit back and not move from their 7 year $160 million offer.

Jay Z as agent

Jay Z has stepped into the sports agency business, forming Roc Nation Sports.  He’s been acquiring a decent amount of talent, including Victor Cruz, Geno Smith, Kevin Durant, and now Robinson Cano.  Roc Nation Sports seems to not only want to maximize their clients’ sports earning potential, but also their marketing potential as well.  It’s not a novel concept—to maximize the total earning potential of a player—but it’s novel in the sense that marketing and sponsorship opportunities are at the forefront on contract negotiations.  The bad part of that is it narrows your market to only major market cities (it’s no surprise that 3 out of the 4 clients are in NYC).  Side note:  If Jay Z brings Durant to the Knicks, all will be forgiven.  Do you think Jay Z’s going to listen to offer from the Brewers or the Astros?  H to the Hell no.  Being a Jay Z client means you’re limited to NYC, LA, and maybe Chicago. 

Also, Jay Z is currently being investigated by MLB for giving an improper gift to Cano.  You got to think that the NFL, NBA, and MLB are weary about this new cross-over venture, which has the potential to take an athlete’s focus (gasp!) off of playing sports.  If the MLB comes down hard on Jay Z, that could

So, we get that there’s an element of puffery that always occurs with contract negotiations.  But come on, there still has to be an element of good faith and reasonableness, and comparing Cano to MJ defies logic.  It’s completely transparent, and a piss poor attempt to elevate a person to a level where they have no business being.  But Hova’s backed himself into a corner where he has to get close to what they’re asking.  If reality sets in and Cano ultimately accepts a reasonable deal (somewhere around 7-8 years, $160-200 million) Jay Z and Roc Nation Sports are going to look like fools, and this will set the tone with all clubs for future negotiations.  But that’s what you get when you pull the MJ card.  That, and a teabag.

Enjoy your teabag.