Sure, no one shuts you up when they’re all your friends…

Wow, what a weekend of games.  Beastmode and the Seahawks backed up their #1 seed, Peyton proves he’s still the best player in the game, C Kap and the Niners relish the role of evil villain (and look damn impressive doing so), and the Patriots unleash six rushing tds in a beat down of Indy.

[Selfless self-promotion alert]  If you’ve been keeping score (and hopefully betting) with The Machine’s expert picks, you’ll see that this Ginger and Roid Rage nailed it last week, each going a perfect 3-0-1.  Obviously, Vegas Vinny finished last. 

Anyway, this sets up one hell of a Championship weekend.  Niners at Seattle:  the biggest rivalry in the NFL today, and New England at Denver:  Brady v. Manning.  Need we say more?  These games are going to be epic, and we can’t imagine how great it would be to experience them live…and that’s where the teabag comes in.

Immediately after the Niners/Seahawks game was set, the Seahawks announced that they would only be selling tickets to people that live in geographically friendly areas, which, as you can guess, does not include California.  Similarly, the Broncos front office is restricting sales as well. 

Think about that for a second…and then let the rage take over.  Are you kidding me?  This is a classless move by both teams.  It forces Niners and Patriots fans to buy tickets on the secondary market at ridiculously marked up prices.  It’s stupid and low brow, qualities The Machine normally appreciates, but not in this instance.

And where’s the outrage from my Commerce Clause fans? 

It’s especially douchey for Seattle, who boasts the 12^th Man…the loudest stadium in the NFL, where fans cause earthquakes.  If you truly have the best home field advantage, why do you have to pull this gimmick? 

Glad they kept the 12th Man an organic, fan-created idea, and didn’t go all corporate.

Sorry, but you’re the #1 seed in the NFC.  You don’t need to pull some second-rate promotional bullshit that’s befitting a Triple-A baseball team.  It’s almost as bad as Zubaz and a Monkey Night.  Same goes for you, Denver.  You have Peyton Manning and government grade weed.  You don’t need this. 

This is actually genius.

Need more proof this is crazy?  Niners Coach Jim Harbaugh respects it.  Um, last we checked, Jim Harbaugh is a raving lunatic…and if he endorses it, you know it’s crazy. 

The Machine hopes this doesn’t become a trend, but it’s a copycat league, so the chances that this is the only time it happens is remote.  If this does become the new wildcat, we hope RGI and the league will step in and prohibit this.  Nothing says fan friendly like some good old geographic discrimination. 

This just reeks of desperation and insecurity, which is strange coming from the NFL’s two best teams.  You guys are the #1 seeds.  You don’t need any more affirmation. 

What little respect we did have for the 12^th Man [cue east coast bias] has now completely vanished.  It just means they’ll be more Seahawks fans there to watch them lose. 

Enjoy your teabag.

Happy New Year Machine fans.  This year, we promise to bring you more of what you love.  More NFL Draft coverage, more gratuitous pictures of Kate Upton (you’re welcome), and yes, more teabags.  So let’s get right to our first teabag of 2014. Crazy Mom #1 Queary:  Is there a better group of sports fans than drunk moms?  Answer:  No.  They’re fun, totally irrational, DTF, and fiercely protective of their family.  And that was on full display last week at the Sugar Bowl, where Alabama played Oklahoma.  Let’s let the gif do the talking and then we’ll fill in the details: As the story goes, as reported by our friends at Deadspin, Michelle Pritchett, sweet mother of three and an Alabama fan, was at the game with her family and was engaged in some harmless back and forth with some Oklahoma fans.  Then, things quickly got out of control.  As shown on the gif above (and youtube clip below) Michelle – mom jeans and all – launches herself several rows down and lands on top of the Oklahoma crew.  If you haven’t seen it (or even if you have seen it several dozen times, like us, it’s worth a view again): According to Michelle, she was just protecting her family (who was nowhere near danger, btw).  Said Michelle, “It escalated. When they said something to my son, I told them to shut their mouths.  They were telling my son to come down there and ‘do something about it.’ I said, ‘no, that’s not going to happen. This crap needs to stop.”  Michelle then goes full suburban mom, and both apologizes and takes no responsibility at the same time.  “I apologize to the whole Alabama team, to Nick Saban,” she said. “I apologize to the whole Alabama base.  That’s not the way I would normally handle things.  But when he told my son to come down there, that wasn’t going to happen.”  She then added, “Would I take that back? No.  He was out of control.” And, just so we’re all clear, Michelle was not, repeat, not, drunk.  “And I wasn’t intoxicated either.  I want people to know that. I’d had a couple of drinks, but I was not intoxicated.” Bweep, bweep, bweep…there’s The Machine’s Bullshitdar going off the charts.  Of course she was hammered.  That video has white girl wasted written all over it.  Perhaps it’s a cultural thing (The Machine is admittedly ignorant/scared of the South) but if by “a couple of drinks” she means a peanut butter jar of moonshine, then we’d agree she only had a couple of drinks. And we love her justification for jumping into a crowd of people at a sporting event in front of her family.  They [the big, mean Oklahoma fans] told her son to come on down, presumably to fight.  So mom, selfless, good hearted mom who just wants to protect her so (who, btw is nowhere in the video).  Ah, irrationality, a clear sign of drunk mom. Thankfully, more creative people love this story and have put together music montages for our viewing pleasure.  There are several, but we like this one (set to Sweet Home Alabama, heavy metal, and sound effects from Street Fighter) Sorry, one more, for you Miley Cyrus fans (looking at you, Roid Rage)

No one’s good enough for my AJ, not even you Katherine Webb.

Crazy Mom #2 Because one crazy mom isn’t enough…The Machine has another one for you.  We’re staying in the South and with Alabama, apparently a hot bed of milfs crazy middle-aged white women.  Dee Dee McCarron, mother to AJ McCarron, Alabama’s quarterback, is apparently still scorned that her little angel (pronounced “aiinjel”) lost the Heisman to FSU Quarterback Jameis Winston.  And when mom’s mad, she does what all rational people do…Tweet! Yes, after the historic National Championship Game Monday night between FSU and Auburn, truly a game for the ages, Heisman winning QB (and freshman) Jameis Winston was interviewed on the field.  Here’s what he had to say. What a moment for Jameis and FSU.  His remarks were genuine, heartfelt, and humble…three things that very few college freshman are.  However, Dee Dee (with a name like Dee Dee, do you get the sense a troubling day for her involves running out of fresh mint for her mint julep?) not happy seeing some other college quarterback share take the spotlight from her baby, instantly tweeted:

Bitter, much?

Her tweet was quickly deleted, but not before the damage was done.  Now granted, diction may not be Jameis’ strongest suit, but it’s clear what he’s saying, just as it’s clear Dee Dee’s tweet has a not so subtle racial overture.  To clear up any confusion, Dee Dee then tweeted:

Any1 that knows our family knows we r far from racist. My tweet was not in anyway meant that way. I sincerely apologize if it offended any1 — Dee Dee McCarron (@DeeDeeBonner) January 7, 2014

As a general rule, if you have to send out a clarifying message that says “we are far from racist” it probably means you’re not as far as you think.  Is anyone surprised that Dee Dee’s twitter profile reads: “Proud Ma of 4 boys.  Feisty and will defend them to the end.”  Even if the end involves quasi-racist comments to the world.

Enjoy your teabag.