How busted is your bracket?  Better or worse than your freshman year slumpbuster?  Sadly, The Machine did not win the Billion Dollar Bracket Challenge (note: turns out that is not an acceptable retirement strategy). 

Anyway, if your bracket is totally toast, it’s likely due to the efforts of the following players, all of whom were highly recruited one-and-done “student” athletes.  Let’s see how these freshmen phenoms fared in the NCAA Tournament.

Who knew Jabari’s number would coincide with Duke’s exit from the NCAA Tournament?

Jabari Parker – Duke

Perhaps the most highly sought after freshman, Jabari was supposed to lead perennial powerhouse Duke back to the promise land…or, at least to the second round.  The third seeded Blue Devils had a matchup with the fourteenth seeded Mercer Bears.  Quick:  what state is Mercer located in?  No peeking…answer:  Georgia.  Duke essentially had a home game, as the game was played in Raleigh, NC. 

Anyway, Jabari was a complete dud.  He ended the game with 14 pts., 7 rebounds, and 0 assists, all lower than his 19/9/1 regular season average.  He was also 0-3 from 3 point range, and just looked lost on the court. 

If he had played up to half of his potential, Duke would have cruised.  Instead, the Atlantic Sun Conference Champions took over the second half, and ended up winning by 7. 

Please don’t leave.

Tyler Ennis – Syracuse

Is there a team player more frustrating to watch than Syracuse Tyler Ennis?  At times, Ennis looked like a league veteran…cool, calm under pressure, and came up big in the clutch. 

Who could forget this one:

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But what a dismal end to the season:  Syracuse finished 2-4 down the stretch, got bounced in the ACC Tournament early, and limped into the NCAA Tourney.  Then, just as Cuse Nation was in the gutter, they absolutely roll Western Michigan in the first Round, winning by 24.  So spirits were lifted, and spirits were lifted even higher when 11^th-seeded Dayton bounced Ohio St.  Now, SU fans saw a clear path back to the final four, and nothing was going to stop this once 25-0 juggernaut.

However, what was supposed to be a cruise control victory for Syracuse turned into a nightmare, and Ennis certainly didn’t help.  While he had a team high 19 pts., he chucked up 21 shots, and was 33% from the field.  Also, he was 0-5 from three.  And, perhaps most damning, he had a shot at the buzzer for the win…a shot that, one month ago, no one would question him taking.

In fairness to Ennis, Boeheim (as The Machine noted) deserves much of the blame for his teams’ collapse.  Clearly, getting ejected losing the game for them against Duke really fired up his squad.

As good as gone.

Andrew Wiggins – Kansas

Last but not least, Kansas stud Andrew Wiggins.  The Number 2 seeded Jayhawks suffered an embarrassing loss to 10^th-seed Stanford on Sunday, and Wiggins was much to blame, shooting a dismal 1-6.  Wiggins, who averaged over 17 points per game during the regular season, finished Sunday with 4 points, 4 rebounds, 1 assist, and 4 turnovers. 

The sad thing is, as awful as these three played…all will be forgotten come the NBA Draft, as all three will be Top 10 picks.  The Machine’s down with one and done athletes…provided they shine on the biggest stage (see Rose, Derrick; see also Anthony, Carmelo).  But when your freshman phenom bombs, they shouldn’t then be rewarded by a lucrative NBA contract.  We hope these three come back for another year, but the chances of that are slim.  Wiggins is gone for sure, probably Ennis too [update:  dammit].  The only one that may waiver is Parker. 

You would think that, after collectively choking in the tourney, that all three would want to come back and give it one more try.  You’d think they’d have that competitive edge and devotion to their alma mater, to want to win.  However, that’s the problem with the one-and-dones.  There is no allegiance or loyalty to the school…the school (and their fan base) are nothing more than an obligatory stop.  To them, you are their slumpbuster.

Enjoy your teabag.

Here comes the crazy!

A clear cut winner this week, as Syracuse Orange Coach Jim Boeheim takes top honors for his antics in coaching with passion costing his team the game Saturday night against Duke.  To set the scene:  Cuse with the ball, down 2, 15 seconds left, looking to go 2-0 against Duke on the year and seeking to avenge their first (and embarrassing) loss at home to Boston College.  Then see what happens:

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Now, was this a bad call?  Of course.  It should have been a block.  Basket should have counted and CJ should have gone to the line to give Cuse the lead.  Instead, Boeheim gets a double T, gets ejected, Duke shoots 4 free throws, and they win by 6. 

Make no mistake about it:  Jim Boeheim cost them the game.  Blame the refs all you want (SU fans), but the real fault lies with the Coach.  It was idiotic for many reasons, but worst of all:  Syracuse still had a chance to win the game.  Even with the bad call, Cuse was still only down 2 with 10.4 seconds left.  If you’ve watched any SU basketball at all this year, you know they have a knack of pulling out close games (those Cardiac Cuse t-shirts are selling like hotcakes at Wegmans).  Also, Duke was shaky from the line.  They missed 10 free throws, so it’s no gimme that they would make both free throws if they got the ball back…that’s assuming SU doesn’t force a turnover.  Point is:  with 10.4 seconds to go, the game was far from over.

Who’s bad???

But Boeheim didn’t give his team a chance.  He gave up on them, and in so doing, showed his true character, which, if you haven’t figured it out by now, is a ornery, volatile, take my ball and go home old man.  On the plus side, it gave those creative internet photoshop kids a field day.

Surprisingly though, many Cuse fans The Machine spoke with gave Boeheim a pass.  “He showed his players he’s got their back.” they said. “He’s a passionate coach who wears his heart on his sleeve.” they said.  “He wouldn’t do that if it was an elimination game.”  Well, The Machine’s here to call you out for your blatant homerism.

Why should Boeheim get a pass???  If CJ Fair blew up and got ejected, do you think people would be running to his defense, saying he plays with passion?  No, he would’ve been vilified for acting like a selfish, me-first athlete who can’t control his emotions.  Why should we treat Boeheim any different?  If anything, it’s more excusable for a college player—you know, the teenager/early 20 something year old “student”—to flip out after a call like that.  But not the seasoned, championship-winning coach.  The coach is supposed to have perspective, to understand the bigger picture.  To rally his team when faced with adversity.  Well, Boeheim did the exact opposite:  he gave up, and giving him a pass because he’s the coach is—as he repeatedly reminded the ref at midcourt—bullshit.

Also, his antics overshadowed what is quickly becoming the next great college basketball rivalry.  This was Syracuse’s first trip to Cameron Indoor Stadium.  With Syracuse in the ACC, these two teams will play each other twice a year (and likely three times if you include their inevitable matchup in the ACC Championship Game [sidebar:  yes, it will be weird to see SU play in a conference tournament that’s not at MSG, but we digress].

Anyway, when SU and Duke played in Syracuse three weeks ago, it was an epic matchup.  A record-setting crowd in the Dome, 35,000+ screaming fans, and the game did not disappoint.  Rasheed Sulaimon for Duke hit a game-tying three at the buzzer, but Syracuse was able to hold on and pull out a two point victory in overtime.  Now, that game also had a late game controversial call.  With Duke down 1, 12 seconds left in regulation, Rodney Hood went up for a dunk and Rakeem Christmas fouled blocked the shot.  Many people thought a foul should’ve been called.  We’re guessing Coach K thought a foul should’ve been called.  But there’s the difference between Coach K and Coach Boeheim:  Coach K controlled his emotions, and gave his team a chance to win. 

For that reason alone, Coach K will always get the nod as the better coach…not to mention the more wins and national championships. 

But wait, says the passionate, blindly loyal SU fan, Coach Boeheim was bringing his team together, taking the pressure off them, and getting them ready for the NCAA tourney.  First, how metta of you.  Second, really?  How did SU perform in its next game against Maryland on Monday night?  SU barely won against a Maryland team with 13 losses that they should have easily beat.  Not really the rallying cry now, is it?  More telling, let’s here from CJ Fair, SU’s star player on his thoughts on his Coach: 

Leave it to your players to understand the big picture.

Exactly, give your team the chance to win.  Instead, Coach Boeheim proved to the world he’s nothing more than a poor man’s Bobby Knight.  At least learn how to take your jacket off or throw something.

Enjoy your teabag.

We’re midway through the Sochi Olympics, and boy, are there a lot of teabags to dole out.  As many as are being delivered in the Olympic Village?  Probably not, but there’s enough…from the shoddy accommodations to the creepy mascot, to spring-like conditions.  Here are some other teabagable moments from the Games.

Ice Dancing

The Foxtrot is still lame, even on ice.

Seriously, what the fuck is this?  The Machine can get down with some pairs figure skating, and the individual programs, but ice dancing?  Why is this an Olympic sport?  Is it really necessary?  Side note:  it’s been an Olympic sport since 1976.  Really?  Why?  To help answer this, The Machine was able to get ahold of the transcript from the recent IOC Meeting discussing its inclusion in the Sochi Games.

[IOC Chair]:  Ok, gang listen up.  We got a serious problem.  It’s with the figure skating competition.  It’s too manly.  We need to gay it up.  Suggestions?

[IOC Member, likely from France]:  How about Ice Dancing?  Let’s really focus on that this year.

[Russian Delegate]:  Does it involve the gays?

[Everyone]:  (Snicker, snicker, cough, cough) No (wink).

[IOC Chair]:  Sounds promising, but is it gay enough?  Tell me more.

[French Delegate]:  There are no jumps, just artistic skating.

[IOC Chair]:  Yes…

[British Delegate]:  To show tunes.

[IOC Chair]:  Go on…

[Canadian Delegate]:  And instead of spins, we call them twizzles.

[IOC Chair]:  Perfect!

[USA Delegate]:  And we’ll have Johnny Weir anchor the NBC coverage.

Did Johnny Weir rob my Grandmother’s closet?

[IOC Chair]:  Fierce!

Unless you’re hoping for a nip slip, there’s no reason to watch Ice Dancing.  If they replaced the show tunes with some power ballads…maybe.  At least it’d be a step in the right direction. 

Who farted on Bob’s pillow?

Bob Costas

Bob’s no stranger to a teabag.  We hit him up in 2012 when he used halftime of the Sunday Night Game to pontificate about gun control.  Well, he’s back at it again.

Bob, commenting on the newest sport, Snowboarding Slopestyle, to hit the Olympic Games, had this to say:  “I think the president of the IOC should be Johnny Knoxville.  Basically this stuff is just Jackass stuff they invented and called Olympic sports.”

Dude…the Olympics are like, so dope! Team USA!!!

Really, Bob?  Thanks for the “get your ball off my lawn” moment.  Why has Bob Costas changed from a lovable short guy to an ornery, pretentious, liberal prick?  So you don’t like the Nu Skool sports like snowboarding…they’re not traditional enough to be worthy of Olympic competition?  FYI, snowboarding’s been around since the 1960’s, and it’s been an Olympic sport since the 90’s.  Suck it.

You get the sense that Bobbo’s problem isn’t with snowboarding…but with snowboarders.  They don’t embody the [old white man’s] vision of an Olympic athlete.  Sure, they wear baggy pants, have dreads, listen to Sk8r rock, and probably smoke tons of weed, but you try and rock a Frontside Double McTwist 1260.  Then, try doing that high off your gourd…

If anything, it’s events like Slopestyle and the Halfpipe that are a breath of fresh air for the games.  They are fast and action-packed, unlike some of the other snoozefest events…how captivating can you make cross country skiing, or curling (unless, it’s done by these ladies).

Love the technique here.

Now this is how you legitimize an Olympic sport.

Hey Bob, explain to us how snowboarding is less of a sport than Ice Dancing.  You can’t, but we’re willing to bet that you’re cool with Ice Dancing, because they “look like” Olympic athletes. 

How fitting was it that the United State’s first gold of the Games was in Slopestyle, and Bob was there to announce it and forced to recognize it. 

Jesus Christ man, give it up!

And thank you, NBC, for yanking Bob off the air with his horrible pink eye.  I get that announcing the Olympics is the height of your popularity, but come on man, that shit’s nasty.  To our delight, it set Twitter afire.  Here’s hoping that, in true Jackass style, some snowboarder farted in your pillow. 

Enjoy your teabag.

Leave the BluBlockers at home this weekend, Don.

Usually, Shula’s good for a teabag around Week 8, when he and the rest of the (annoying) 1972 Dolphins pop a bottle of champagne and celebrate the last undefeated team to lose.  Note:  the ’72 Dolphins are the most overrated team of all-time.

Anyway, this week is all about the Super Bowl.  The greatest game for the greatest sport.  And this year, it’s in New York.  [note:  we know it’s actually in New Jersey but we respect New Jersey about as much as we respect Canadians and Cowboys fans.  Apparently, we’re not alone in our treatment of Jersey.]  Yes, an outdoor Super Bowl in the northeast in the winter.  Why?  Because RGI’s a boss, and isn’t afraid to mix things up.  But not everyone’s happy with this.

Cue Don Shula, the perpetually tanned, retired Floridian.  According to Shula, the Super Bowl should be played “in conditions where weather won’t be or might not be something that affects the outcome.”  Shockingly, Miami is top on his list on where it should be.  His other reason for a mandatory warm weather Super Bowl?  The fans.  “You’ve got to give the fans an opportunity to come in ahead of time, enjoy what the town has to offer, enjoy the game and then stay for a couple of days afterwards, and enjoy everything. So if it’s a brutal weather condition in New York, you’re not going to do that.”

The Machine can sum up his remarks as follows:  blah, blah, blah, get off my lawn.  Listen, it’s not my fault your bones have been sucked free of calcium and your standing body temperature is just above dying…but that doesn’t mean holding the Super Bowl in New York is a bad idea.  In fact, it’s a great idea.

Yeah, this game was totally ruined by the weather.

First, who says that the Super Bowl has to be played in pristine weather?  Some of the best playoff games have been played in cold weather.  The Ice Bowl.  The Tuck Rule Game.  The frozen tundra of Lambeau Field.  These have been some of the greatest playoff games ever (Super Bowls included)…so why is it ok to have these games played in cold weather but not the Super Bowl? 

Oh right, the fans, they benefit from a warm Super Bowl right?  Sorry old man, but the fans are actually the biggest benefactors to having the game in New York.  Why?  Because ticket prices have plummeted, meaning regular people can actually go.  So, the Super Bowl is in the greatest city in the world, at bargain basement prices (by Super Bowl standards) and somehow the fans are losing out?  It’s actually giving real fans an opportunity to go to the Super Bowl (I’ve yet to convince Mrs. Machine that it’s a legitimate business expense, but I still got a few days).

It’s all about product placement.

Sure, the VP for Pepsi may not like because he can’t put up his (obnoxious) outdoor display of Pepsi swag (note:  who the fuck drinks Pepsi while tailgating?) and shamelessly self-promote with scantily clad women (ok that is kind of a drawback). (add pepsi pic).  

The Pepsi logo was the 7th thing I noticed here.

Who cares if some advertisers are put out and have to think creatively on how to sell their product (put a heater next to the scantily clad women).  The Super Bowl is for the fans, and you know the NFL knows how to treat its fans right.

So what does the NFL do?  They take over Times Square. The NFL created Super Bowl Boulevard, encompassing 13 blocks in Midtown.  By all accounts, this is going to be the greatest NFL fan experience ever…certainly better than hanging out in a parking lot in Tempe, Arizona. 

A Super Bowl toboggan in Midtown? Sign us up!

Sorry Don, we know old people hate change, and we know you lost the coldest Super Bowl, so maybe that’s why you’re jaded.  Either way, you’re wrong.  The Super Bowl this year (a) is in the greatest City, (b) has the cheapest ticket prices, (c) has the best fan experience, and (d) totally treats New Jersey like the door mat it is.  What could be better? 

Enjoy your teabag (ask your grandson what that is).