Tuesday Teabag, June 10, 2014 – NBA Finals

Welcome to Groundhog's Day!

Welcome to Groundhog’s Day!

Wow, The Machine’s finally over our post-Draft hangover (and have just sobered up from our epic Draft Party) and we’re ready to start writing again.  Until it’s appropriate for us to start writing about football (next week) we’ll switch gears and focus on the NBA for a bit.

The Machine was ready to write an article at the beginning of this years’ playoffs (you know, like three months ago), but then we realized:  we already did, last year, when we broke down the 2013 playoffs and (correctly) called a Heat/Spurs Finals.  Seriously, everything we wrote last year is still true.  The playoffs are ridiculously long, and the outcome is predetermined.  Ok, so maybe we got carried away by comparing the Heat to the ’96 Bulls (our bad) but our predictions were not only spot on, but they hold the test of time.  In this case, two years running.

[sidenote:  The Machine just saw a commercial for Coors Light Summer Brew and our nipples are officially hard].

OMFG!!!

OMFG!!!

Anyway, that’s why the NBA gets a Teabag.  For all the talk about parity in the NBA (Pacers the new #1 seed in the East, the young guns of Golden State, the Clippers revival, blah, blah, blah) the end result is the same:  Heat v. Spurs.  And guess what: the end result of the Finals will be the same.  The Heat will win their third consecutive Championship.  And you were saying what about parity?  [note:  the Spurs winning game three last night does not change a thing, it just adds more “drama”].

The lack of parity is a big problem for the league, much bigger than Donald Sterling (but thanks for the distraction you crazy old codger).  We told you last year the playoffs weren’t worth watching, just tune in to the Finals to watch the Heat win.  Well the same thing holds true this year and, barring MJ returning to the Bulls, will likely hold true next year.  As much as the NBA wants you to believe that anyone can win, it’s just not true.

The gap between the have and the have-nots is the largest in all sports.  Does anyone really think the Milwaukee Bucks will ever be contenders?  To the contrary, the Milwaukee Brewers (who last year finished 23 games out of first place) are now in first place and hold one of the best records in baseball.  Worst to first is possible in baseball and football, it’s unheard of in the NBA (thank you, guaranteed contracts).

No one will give the Heat a run for their money until Phil Jackson brings Kevin Durant to the Knicks (hiring Derek Fisher = Smartest. Decision. Ever.).  Until then, no one will not want to admit it, but basketball is predictable and boring.

Enjoy your Teabag.

The Machine’s Draft Day Drinking Game

The Machine's Draft Drink-a-thon!  Happy Drafting!

The Machine’s Draft Drink-a-thon! Happy Drafting!

Can’t make it to The Machine’s Draft Party?  Well, that sucks for you.  But have no fear…we got your back with our play at home game.  How can you make the Draft better, you ask in amazement?  By playing The Big Red Sports Machine’s Draft Drink-a-thon.  It’s fun, it’s easy, it’s guaranteed to impress the ladies, and you can play along at home or at your favorite watering hole.  Here are the rules:

1.  Draft catchphrases.  There are certain phrases you only hear during the Draft.  Why?  We don’t know, but we love them.  For this reason alone, we give ESPN the slight lean over the NFL Network for your draft day coverage.  That, and, Kiper.  Duh, winning!

The following phrases are worth a shot of beer:

  • Raw talent
  • Off-the-field or character issues
  • Live arm
  • High motor
  • Straight line speed
  • Great Value
  • Upside
  • Best player available
  • Intangibles or Measurables
  • Trade Down
  • War Room
  • New Regime
  • Read-Option
  • Edge Rusher
  • Gets to the Second Level
  • Quick feet
  • Plays in Space
  • Johnny Football (*new for 2014)

2.  Videos/references.  Each of these are beer-finishing worthy:

  • Video of Jadaveon Clowney knocking that dude’s helmet off
  • References to Johnny Manziel’s height or off-field issues
  • Reference to Mel’s hair
  • Player on-stage photo-op with family/entourage of 15+
  • First player to cry when their name is called
  • Reference to when Tom Brady was drafted (we’ll also accept Brady’s Combine picture)
  • Reference to Aaron Rodgers draft day slide
  • Video of Brady Quinn in the green room
  • Video of Bill Tobin’s infamous “who the hell is Mel Kiper?” interview during the ’94 Draft

3.  On the Clock Chug.  When your team is on the clock, you have to finish a full beer before the pick is called.  Note:  if your team trades down, they’re on the clock twice, meaning that’s two full beers.  Cowboy up, it’s the Draft!

Basically, if it doesn’t look like this than you’re probably doing it wrong…..

Beer Chug

Or this:

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That’s it.  Three simple rules to make sure you maximize your Draft Day (weekend) experience. Cheers!

The 2014 ‘What if’ Mock Draft…

Can you feel the excitement?!  We are a mere two days away from the NFL Draft.  Draft parties are finalized, Big-Boards are coming together, smoke screens are thicker than Andy Reid’s mid-section, and Mock Drafts are all looking….the same, 1) Jadeveon Clowney 2) Greg Robinson……blah, blah, blah.  But the reason we are all tuning in Thursday (thru Saturday) is because the draft never falls the way any of us expect (NFL GM’s included).  You never know where drama will unfold, but it does every year.  Be it Aaron Rodgers free fall in 2005, Mario Williams going over Reggie Bush (and Vince Young) in 2006, or the Patriots trading up to make Jerod Mayo a Top 10 pick in 2008.  It’s reality television that pits your teams front office against the rest of the league.  I’ll have plenty of time to unvail my “real” mock draft, but for now I’m going the contrarian approach and asking some hypothetical questions along the way.  (Big shout out to KFFL for their Mock Draft Machine).

WHATIF001

What if the Texans aren’t sold on Clowney and view Mack as every bit the athlete and prospect.  If so, and if he is a better scheme fit than why not make it back-to-back #1 overall picks for the MAC?!  Move over SEC, there is a new powerhouse in NCAA Football.

WHATIF002

What if the Jaguars are sick of “playing it safe”?  What if this year they play to win…now!  Johnny Football gives this team instant star power in a way few prospects can.  How many seats does Wembley Stadium hold?WHATIF003

What if Mike Evans is the first WR off the board?  It might send #TwitterMock into a tizzy, but it wouldn’t shock The Machine.  People only want to focus on Evans height and wing span, which are spectacularly awesome, but fail to mention how great of an athlete this kid is.  Go look at his Combine numbers, they are off the chart.  He is a height/weight/speed freak built to play receiver in todays NFL.

What if the Falcons don’t do any wheeling-and-dealing and land the top OT?

WHATIF004

What if Tampa Bay doesn’t believe in the Myth of the First Round Quarterback and feel like this is their only chance at landing a Franchise QB prospect?

What if the Vikings and Bills aren’t bullshitting about their affinity for Donald and Ebron, respectively?  Will they put their money where their mouth is and bypass an elite OT prospect in Mathews to get “their guy”?

WHATIF005

What if the G-men are content with their offseason offensive line make-over and instead give Eli another weapon?  There hasn’t been a shortage of people willing to throw Rueben Randle under the bus this offseason.

WHATIF006

What if the Bears and Steelers swap notes on defensive backs this year because both teams are in desperate need of secondary help?

WHATIF007

What if WR’s::2014 1st Round as OT’s::2013 1st Round?

What if Miami does something crazy like actually get value with a draft pick?

WHATIF008

What if Teddy Bridgewater is as good as we all thought he was 6 months ago?  This would allow the Chiefs to let Alex Smith walk after this year.  If the Packers can draft Aaron Rodgers with Brett Favre on the roster than this pick not might not be as far-fetched as you might think.

WHATIF009

What if Easley, Roby and Matthews turn out to be the best DL, CB, and WR of this draft class?  The rich get richer.

And finally, what if Kate Upton does show up the The Official Big Red Sports Machine 2014 Draft Party?

 

I get all my Draft info from The Big Red Sports Machine.

I get all my Draft info from The Big Red Sports Machine.

The Machine’s Draft Party – Join Us!

CheersWe’re two days away from the Draft, and the excitement is mounting!  What’s better than reading our mocks and visiting our site every day?  How about your chance to party with The Big Red Sports Machine during the Draft?  Think you can out Draft us?  Think you can out drink us?  Want Roid Rage to autograph your chest?  Well here’s your chance.

Draft 2014When:  Thursday, May 8, 2014 (note: if you didn’t know this was the date of the Draft, do not show up).

Time:  8:00 pm to ???

Where:  Wintonaire, 628 Winton Road, Rochester, NY (b/t Browncroft and Merchants)

This is your chance to Draft with the pros.  We’ll have drink specials, Machine-swag you can win, chicken wings, and much, much more!  It’s not confirmed yet, but Kate Upton will be making an appearance.  Other special guests include our degenerate friends and whatever cougar hits on Roid Rage.  You won’t want to miss that!

I get all my Draft info from The Big Red Sports Machine.

I get all my Draft info from The Big Red Sports Machine.

The Myth of the First Round Quarterback

Draft 2014

As the Draft approaches, The Machine smiles with delight.  Each year, the slate is wiped clean, each team is reborn, and the Draft begins the process of building your team into the next NFL powerhouse.  Hell, it’s even a good time to be a Jets fan.  It’s also a great time to test your knowledge of your team, and see how your mock matches up to the “experts”.

One common theme each year is that teams at the top of the Draft need to grab that franchise quarterback.  “New regime, new quarterback” is often thrown around.  But is that really true nowadays?  Is spending a first round pick on a quarterback a must?  Recent history would tell us otherwise.  Let’s look at The Machine’s uber-fancy chart of the last two years of playoffs teams, and where these quarterbacks were drafted.

2013

Team QB Round (pick)
Broncos Peyton Manning 1st (1)
Indy Andrew Luck 1st (1)
Carolina Can Newton 1st (1)
Kansas City Alex Smith 1st (1)
San Diego Philip Rivers 1st (4)
Green Bay Aaron Rodgers 1st (24)
New Orleans Drew Brees 2nd (32)
Cincinnati Andy Dalton 2nd (35)
San Fran Colin Kaepernick 2nd (36)
Philly Nick Foles 3rd (88)
Seahawks Russell Wilson 3rd (75)
Patriots Tom Brady 6th (199)

 

2012

Team QB Round (pick)
Broncos Peyton Manning 1st (1)
Indy Andrew Luck 1st (1)
Washington RGIII 1st (2)
Atlanta Matt Ryan 1st (3)
Baltimore Joe Flacco 1st (18)
Green Bay Aaron Rodgers 1st (24)
Cincinnati Andy Dalton 2nd (35)
San Fran Colin Kaepernick 2nd (36)
Seattle Russell Wilson 3rd (75)
Houston Matt Schaub 3rd (90)
Minnesota Joe Webb 6th (199)
Patriots Tom Brady 6th (199)

Over the last two years, having a first round QB gives you a 50% chance of making the playoffs.  That’s it.  Not really overwhelming odds, about the same odds The Machine has to date Kate Upton.  Obviously, much more goes into making the playoffs than having a first round quarterback…but that’s exactly our point.

Yeah, a 50% seems right.

Yeah, a 50% chance seems right.

Football is the ultimate team sport, and teams should be focused on building a balanced team, and valuing team positions (OL, DL, Secondary) over individual skill positions (QB, RB, WR).  Look no further than the reigning Super Bowl Champions, the Seattle Seahawks.  Seattle’s rise to Super Bowl Champion did not come on the arm of a first round QB or the hands of a legit #1 WR.  Instead, Seattle had a dominant offensive line that made Marshawn Lynch (a Buffalo Bills reject) a Top 5 RB, and gave Russell Wilson the time to throw to a collection of no name WRs.  And we all know about their punishing defense.

Also, of the QBs that were taken in the first round, the majority of them were taken #1 overall (Peyton, Cam, Andrew Luck).  These players were known to be can’t miss, franchise QBs.

So what does that tell us?  Unless there’s a can’t miss talent at QB, you’re better off addressing other needs, and waiting to draft a QB later.

Is anyone falling faster than Teddy?

Is anyone falling faster than Teddy?

Face of the franchise?  Another good decision by Johnny Football.

Face of the franchise? Another good decision by Johnny Football.

Now let’s apply that concept to this years’ Draft.  There are a lot of QB needy teams, including Houston, Jacksonville, Cleveland, Oakland, and Minnesota, all of whom have Top 10 picks in the Draft.  Here’s the list of the Top QBs:  Blake Bortles, Johnny Manziel, and Teddy Bridgewater.  None of these guys have the same pedigree or ranking as Peyton, Cam, or Andrew Luck, or even RGIII or Matt Ryan.  Simply put:  while some (or all) may turn into great QBs, you certainly can’t call any of them a can’t miss prospect.

What that has resulted in is a couple of things.  One, teams at the top of the first round are thinking twice about drafting a QB in the first.  Teddy Bridgewater, the consensus #1 pick three months ago, is now falling out of the first round…Johnny Football is also dropping.  Two, teams are looking at the next group of Quarterbacks in the class.

Jimmy's leading the Day 2 charge of QBs.

Jimmy’s leading the Day 2 charge of QBs.

Indeed, the focus has been shifted to the second and third rounds, and the buzz is now over guys like Derek Carr, Jimmy Garropolo, Tom Savage, Zack Mettenberger, and AJ McCarron.  People are looking for the next Russell Wilson, or Colin Kaepernick.  Logan Thomas and Tajh Boyd are also getting some attention.

 

Could this be the best QB in the Draft?

Could this be the best QB in the Draft?

Point is:  you don’t need a first round QB to have success in the NFL.  Don’t buy into the myth that you “need” to draft one in the first round.  The best QB in the Draft could be sitting there on Day 2.

Tuesday Teabag, April 29, 2014 – Donald Sterling

I got 99 problems...nope, now you got 100.

I got 99 problems…nope, now you got 100.

Come on, guys.  This one’s a no brainer.  Nice try Michael Pineda for your Pine Tar Neck trick…but oh no, this Teabag’s all Donald’s.  For those of you who need a refresher, our friends at Deadspin have the audio queued up for your listening pleasure.  It’s worth a listen. On the one hand, The Machine’s not surprised when anyone over the age of 60 makes a racist comment.  Being old is no excuse, but when you hear “80-year-old white guy doesn’t like the blacks”; it’s abhorrent, but not necessarily surprising.  However, when said 80 year old white guy happens to be the owner of the Los Angeles Clippers, well now you got a story.

Who would've thought this wouldn't last?

Who would’ve thought this wouldn’t last?

Donald was (can we stop using the word allegedly now?) recorded by his (now ex) girlfriend, essentially telling her to stop bringing black people to Clippers games and stop openly associated with them.  Huh?  How can someone who’s a multi-millionaire, a successful business owner, the owner of a professional sports team (whose players are predominantly minorities) and who received a lifetime achievement award from the NAACP, hold such bigoted views?  Why is he sharing said views with his (several) decades younger, mixed-race girlfriend?  How does one get a (several) decades younger mixed-race girlfriend?  Did he think that was going to end well? Answer to the above questions:  Money. Money can cure all evils (correction:  now that he’s banned for life from the NBA, money can cure most evils).

You see, here’s the thing about Donald Sterling:  his history of racism, sexual harassment, and general douch-bagedness is well documented.  Like here.  And here.  And here.  And here.  When he received the NAACP Lifetime Achievement Award in 2009, he paid a record $2.725 million to settle a housing discrimination lawsuit, where there were some pretty compelling allegations that he discriminated against minorities, particularly black families.  Why, and how, did he receive a Lifetime Achievement Award from the NAACP?  We believe the answer is also set forth above.  (Note to NAACP:  perhaps you should change your nominating criteria…just sayin’). But society simply could not tolerate this latest go-around.  Because of the audio evidence, and not some settlement agreement where the parties deny any liability but then pay a shit-ton of money, the NBA was forced had to act.  They simply could not turn another blind eye.  And there’s something about comeuppance for an Octogenarian that bangs models that just sits right with us.

Another question:  Does Donald give a shit?  He’s still rich as hell, and, if when the NBA forces him to sell the Clippers, he’ll make even more money.  And, he’ll still be able to find a (several) decades younger, hot girl to bang.  So, on that level, probably not.  But, for losing corporate sponsors, coupled with total public humiliation and disgrace, probably so.  A man who’s use to buying his way out of trouble can no longer do so.  That’s what The Machine thinks will kill him the most. Anyway, the NBA brought down the hammer on the Donald.  A lifetime ban.  That’s a steep price for one’s views.  But really, how long is that?  Dude’s 80.  And, let’s not fool ourselves to thinking this is over.  Do you think that Sterling’s going to go away quietly?  Do you think he’s afraid of protracted litigation?  If he’s smart, he just goes away.  But, if the last few days have told you anything, doing the right thing doesn’t exactly come natural to him.

Do you think he thinks he’s not a racist because he bangs minorities?  Do you think Thomas Jefferson thought that too?  Yeah, we just went there.

Our final thoughts:  As with most controversies, The Machine hates both extremes, and it’s no different here.   To the freedom of speech, First Amendment idiots (who are presumably Tea Partiers): shut up.  This has absolutely nothing to do with the First Amendment, and if you can’t understand why, well then you are hopeless.  And, for the record, even if it did involve the First Amendment, the First Amendment, and all the other freedoms enjoyed in the Bill of Rights, are not absolute.  Try yelling “bomb” in an airport and then assert your First Amendment Rights.

Also, for the people (mainly liberal media) crying that this should have been done sooner, shut up.  Where were you in 2009 when Sterling was honored by the NAACP?  Where was your outrage?  How come only now it’s obvious?  And give credit to Commissioner Silver for the action he took.  He didn’t have to impose this type of sanction.  He had a wide range of discretion.  He chose to impose the most extreme measure, a $2.5 million dollar fine (the highest allowed under NBA rules) and a lifetime ban.  This is quick, decisive, and just action for a man who’s been on the job for three months (well-played, David Stern). One thing we all can agree on:  the NBA, and aspiring models in Hollywood, are better off without Donald Sterling.

Enjoy your teabag.

Mock 3.0 (April 19, 2014)

Alright, we’re 3 weeks from the Draft, and things are really starting to change.  The question to answer now:  how far will Teddy Bridgewater fall?  Not if…but how far.  That’s right, the consensus #1 overall pick for the past 6 months is now sliding out of the Top 10, and possibly the first round.  Seriously, how do you have a bad pro day?  Anyway, let’s get to it.

Mock 3.0 (1 of 5)No changes for the top 2 picks, as it looks like Jadaveon is a lock to go #1.  Unless St. Louis trades out of the #2 pick (which I’d peg at 50/50) Sammy Watkins looks like their pick…not bad, considering Sammy’s drawing comparisons as a fast Larry Fitzgerald.  Big change comes at #3, as the QB-needy Jaguars will shun a QB and go with Kahlil Mack.  Why?  The Jags are more than just a QB-needy team…they are a [insert position]-needy team.  Plus, is there a QB worth the #3 pick in this draft?  The Jags have reached for a QB before (see Gabbert, Blaine) and you don’t want to reach at 3.  Likewise, the QB-needed Browns will also forgo a QB.  I think the Browns believe in Brian Hoyer just enough to give him a chance.  Da Raiders picking Robinson is a really smart pick, which is probably why they won’t do it.

Mock 3.0 (2 of 5)

Alright, the first QB goes off the Board at #8, as the Vikings take UCF stud Blake Bortles.  Blake seems to have risen to the top of the QB class.  He’s got prototypical size, and no baggage.  He’s the safe pick.  Mathews is thought of in many circles as the best OL in the Draft, and would come at a steal for Tampa at 7.  The Bills, missing out on Robinson and Mathews, go to their next need, and provide EJ Manual with a legit receiving threat in Eric Ebron (think Vernon Davis minus the diva).  Roid Rage has a mild hard-on just thinking about Manual to Ebron.

Mock 3.0 (3 of 5)

And the Johnny Football/Teddy Bridgwater fall begins.  Note:  if one (or both) get past Tennessee at 11, it’s going to be a long wait).  The G-Men stick with Lewan at 12, the question is whether he’ll be there (please be there).  I think St. Louis will go Offense/Offense with their first round picks, giving Sam Bradford no excuse (until his inevitable Week 6 separated shoulder).  Defense should dominate the middle round of this draft.  Chicago would love it if Donald were still around, but if not, hybrid-stud Anthony Barr should fit perfectly in their defense.

Mock 3.0 (4 of 5)

Finally, Johnny Football finds a home in Arizona…but Teddy still sweats it out in the green room.  Justin Gilbert provides great value for Miami at #19.  The run on WR also begins…Philly would be wise to replace Desean Jackson with Marqise Lee (but wait, he’s from SoCal, aren’t they all gang bangerz???).

Mock 3.0 (5 of 5)

Wait…Teddy falls out of the first round???  It’s looking that way.  Roid Rage has him at #5…but he’s a whore for QBs, and also thinks Derek Carr could find his into the first round.  There’s a shot of beamer on that one, son!  New England jumps out at me as a team that would love to trade out of the first round and let someone jump back in to the first and maybe grab Teddy.  There’s a lot of depth to this draft, and many big names still left.

Mock Draft 3.0 (April 16, 2014)

We are a mere 3 weeks away from the eve of the 79th Annual NFL Players Selection Meeting (that’s the official name….Wikipedia bitches!)  This draft is going to have quite a few fireworks, particularly in the Top Ten.  There are a few blue chip studs that every team would like to roster (don’t buy the Jadeveon Clowney has never worked a hard day in his life reports one bit).  On the flip side, this draft is extremely deep.  There are terrific prospects to be had in the middle rounds.  There will be some teams that are aggressive and go get “their guy”; while others try their damndest to trade down and stockpile picks (here is looking at you, Hoodie).  Enough chit-chat, on to the picks…..Rev3_1-3

 Clowney would have been the hands down No. 1 pick in last years draft.  There isn’t a QB prospect worthy enough to pass on this guy.  As I stated above, I’m not buying into these made up negative claims about his work ethic; at the same time I’m not going to enshrine him in Canton before he even plays.

Sammy Watkins is a stud.  He dominated SEC competition at age 18.  If the Rams can’t pull off a trade, he should be the pick.  Picks 2 and 3 are up for grabs in terms of trading up.  In this scenario I have Atlanta trading up to the 3-hole to grab Mack.

Rev3_4-10

Four picks in and I have two pass-rushers and two pass-catchers.  This is where the draft gets really interesting as the Jags, Browns, Raiders, and Vikings are QB-desperate (you could even make an argument for the Bucs as well).  Who starts the QB run?  How highly do teams covet these QBs?  Can they be had later in the first round?  Second round?  In my mock the Raiders get first crack.  I’ll let Teddy’s film speak for itself and try to erase his horrific pro-day from my memory (a few more huffs ought to do it).  Bridgewater gives them a chance.  He’ll have the opportunity to learn (how not to throw pick-6’s) from Matt Schaub.  Again, I have Atlanta and Jacksonville swapping picks in the first, so Bortles is a Jaguar in this scenario.  Sure, Gus Bradley would love to have Clowney or Mack on his defense, but this has got to be the most QB-needy franchise in the league.  Ebron and Donald continue to rise up my mock drafts (I had them at 23 and 25, respectively in Mock 2.0).  Ebron is a big-bodied, athletic mismatch.  It gives the Bucs a second option in the passing game after Vincent Jackson.  Minnesota is a complete wildcard.  I think they’d jump at the chance to draft Bortles and I think Norv Turner probably has a mild hard-on for Carr.  But is 8 overall too high for David’s kid brother?  I think so.  Then again: Matt Cassel, Christian Ponder.  Barf!  Mike Zimmer is a no nonsense, old school, defensive minded coach.  He grabs the disruptive interior force in Donald.  For the record, I think Jake Matthews and Greg Robinson are better prospects than any of the guys drafted last year (and there were 4 OTs drafted in the first 11 picks last year); so for the Bills and Lions to get them at 9 and 10 is great value.

Rev3_11-16

Johnny Football ladies and gentlemen!  Whizz knows as well as anyone that you have to have a QB to win in this league.  Ginger keeps harping on the fact that if the Giants can protect Eli they will basically win the Super Bowl.  Fine.  Enter Taylor Lewan.  St. Louis grabs Watkins and Clinton-Dix.  Their roster is loaded with talent (thank you Dan Synder).  Will there be a QB with more pressure to succeed this season than Sam Bradford?  Chicago and Dallas are both searching for able-bodied defensive linemen; which means Jerry will probably end up draft a Guard.

Rev3_17-23

 There are some serious playmakers available in the second half of the first round.  I love the player-team pairs for this group of picks.

Rev3_24-32

I really think you’ll see Derek Carr go somewhere in this range. I know I keep harping on the depth of this class, but for a good reason, check out these notable missing prospects: Jace Aramo, David Yankey, Brandon Cooks, Ryan Shazier, Jordan Matthews, Stephon Tuitt, Cyrus Kouandjio.

Meet the best football player in Buffalo - including anyone on the Bills!

The Man!