It’s not you Steve, it’s them.

So what city has the worst baseball fans?  Coming up with a Top 5 (in alphabetical order) is easy:  Boston, Chicago, Los Angeles, New York, and Philadelphia (damn, we’re a bunch of scumbags on the east coast).  But picking a number 1?  That gets a little tougher.  Each city could lay claim to that title, but The Machine gives you the real answer, after analyzing it through our exclusive Teabag-ometer® : 

 Yes, loyal Machine readers.  Chicago, and in particular Cubs fans, are the Worst.  Fans.  Ever.  Sure, your chances of getting killed at a Dodgers game are pretty high, but that’s only if you root for the other team.  In Chicago, they turn on their own. 

Monday marked the 10^th anniversary of the Steve Bartmann fiasco.  Sidebar:  that was ten years ago???  Damn, we’re old.  Anyway, we all remember the scene, but let’s give a quick recap:

Game 6, Cubs v. Marlins.  Cubs are ahead in the series 3-2.  Top of the 8^th, Cubs leading 3-0 and are 5 outs away from going to their first World Series in 58 (now 68) years.  The Wrigley faithful are electric.  This is our year…and then it happens.

https://

Foul ball down the left field line.  Moises Alou jumps into the stands to try and catch the ball amidst a crowd of people, including Bartman (and others).  He doesn’t catch the ball, but instead throws a temper tantrum at Bartman, who (unknowingly) has just become the most hated person in all of Chicago. 

Stay classy, Chicago.

The Marlins score 8 runs in that inning, Cubs lose, and Bartman (for his own safety) gets escorted out of his seat and has to leave Wrigley in a disguise.  Obviously, the Cubs lose Game 7, haven’t been back to the playoffs since, and it’s all because of Steve Motherfucking Bartman.*

Anyone who really believes that Steve Bartman (a lifelong Cubs fan) caused the Cubs to lose is 100% bat shit crazy.  Let’s look at some things that Cubs fans aren’t familiar with:  facts.  First, there’s no way Alou catches that ball.  ESPN can write all

Sorry crazy obsessive Cubs fans, but find someone else to blame.

the compelling documentaries they want, but look at this photo.  Enough said.  Second, this would probably have been a non-issue but for Moises’ childish hissy fit, which really set things in motion.  Third, it was Game 6, there was still an entirely different game to play, at home, in a Bartman-free Wrigley.  Fourth, if you really want to blame someone (aren’t we all looking for someone to blame for our failures?), blame Alex Motherfucking Gonzalez*, who botched an easy (inning ending) double play. 

Yes, there are a ton of reasons why Bartman is not to blame.  However, in the ensuing 10 years, he’s had to live a life of relative obscurity.  Surprisingly, he still lives in Chicago, but hasn’t been back to Wrigley, and refuses to do any interviews or make any public appearances, despite ESPN’s desperate attempts to get him on camera. 

You’d think that people would be able to move on.  Reasonable sports fans would.  But, then again, we’re talking about people who actually believe their team was cursed by a billy goat in 1945.  So, really, when you take that to its logical conclusion, it can’t be Bartman’s fault because it’s Billy Motherfucking Goat’s* fault. 

Well, that should end the curse, right?

In 2004, the owner of Harry Caray’s restaurant purchased the Bartman baseball for just over $113,000.  They asked people for suggestions on what they should do with the ball.  They received over 20,000 suggestions (hello, crazy).  Ultimately, they decided to blow it up in front of a live nationally televised audience.  Stay classy, Chicago.

Hey, Cubbies, listen up:  Let.  It.  Go.  It’s been 10 years and your team sucks.  And it’s not Bartman’s fault.  It never was.  Trying to blame others for your teams failures is a move normally reserved to suburban helicopter parents.  The Cubs, by sitting silent through all this, have assisted in irretrievably screwing up this guy’s life.  If I’m the Cubs, I’d invite Bartman back to throw the first pitch and sing Take Me Out to the Ballgame, and formally apologize on behalf of your (neurotic/sociopathic/manic-depressive/alcoholic) fan base.  However, such a move, according to notable Chicago sports journalists, would be unthinkable. 

Says Michael Wilbon, “What does the organization stand to gain by that?  I’ll tell you:  Nothing.”  The fact that reputable journalists discredit the idea of a Bartman reunion is ridiculous.  The man’s life has been ruined, he’s been in hiding for 10 years and has an entire City (still) blaming him for losing the World Series, excuse me, for losing Game 6 of the NLCS which would have gotten them to the World Series, and they’re concerned with what impact it would have on the Cubbies. 

I don’t care how many “wicked retahdes” or “fugethabboutits” I have to sit through in Fenway or Yankee Stadium, respectively, it’s certainly more enjoyable to know that at least I’ll be surrounded by people who only hate the other team and their fans.

Enjoy your Teabag.

*unconfirmed middle name

NFL’s version of The Biggest Loser.

Since ummm, I don’t know, forever, the NFC East has been the most dominant division in football.  Seriously, for the past 30 years, you’d always have a seat at the table and a legitimate argument.  In the 80’s, the NFC East won 3 Super Bowls (Redskins ’83, ’87, Giants ’86).  The 90’s, a record 5 Super Bowls, including 4 in a row (thanks Buffalo) (Giants ’91, Redskins ’92, Cowboys ’93, ’94, and ‘96).  And so far, in the 21^st Century, the East has claimed two more Super Bowls (Giants ’07, ’12). 

But that winning argument ends today.  Here’s the record of the NFC East after 4 weeks:

Dallas:             2-2

Philadelphia:   1-3

Washington:    1-3

NY Giants:      0-4

No one has a winning record, and combined they’re an embarrassing 4-12.  How bad are things?  Christ, if Cleveland was in the NFC East, they’d be in first place.  So would Buffalo.

This is an unprecedented level of futility.  It’s very possible that the “winner” of the East will not have a winning record.  And, even more interesting, each team is failing for a different reason.  Let’s take a look under the hood of each of these losers.

Sounds about right.

Dallas Cowboys

Despite having the “best” record in the East, Dallas has the biggest problems, because they involve institutional instability (a nice way of saying the organization is run by a bunch of fucktards).  Dallas has trotted out the exact same team for more than a decade.  Flashes of brilliance coupled with an undisciplined approach to playing football.  They suffer from an intolerable Owner (who’s also the GM) who refuses to cede an inch of control.  This leads to spineless head coaches and a room full of “yes men” in Jerryworld. 

As long as Jerry plays Puppetmaster, the Cowboys are doomed (love the blue unitards, btw).

Jerrah’s a young Al Davis, who, after a good period of success, drove the franchise into the ground through his uncompromising ways (and speed first philosophy) until he died at age 120.  Oakland’s still recovering from Hurricane Al.  Dallas is on track to suffer a similar fate from Hurricane Jerrah.

Washington Redskins

Does this knee brace make me look fat?

Washington’s problem is easy enough:  they have completely botched RGIII.  RGIII is the franchise…and you do everything to protect the franchise, even if that means sitting him until he’s 100% healthy.  And you especially sit him when your franchise QB is a dual threat QB and has a bum knee.  Everyone knows RGIII is hurt.  His own teammates know he’s hurt.  And by trotting out a gimpy RGIII, you have taken away the dual threat.  His game is now completely marginalized, and a marginalized RGIII is simply an average QB. 

Shanahan’s ego is too big to make a change.  There’s no way he’s pulling RGIII now, unless of course, he blows out his knee (again).  At 1-3, there’s no reason for him to be out there.  The Skins are only one game out of first place.  They should rest RGIII and put in (a healthy) Kirk Cousins.  By continuing to play RGIII, the Skins run the risk of irretrievably damaging the franchise.

“Hey Mike, any chance you can play D too?”

Philadelphia Eagles

Chip Kelly’s high-octane offense is surely paying dividends:  the Eagles are averaging just under 25 points a game.  The only problem?  No one told him he had to play defense:  the Eagles are giving up just under 35 points a game.

Chip was hailed by the media and fans as this years’ read-option.  He was going to revolutionize the way the game was played.  People drooled over the training camp smoothies (oh he’s so progressive) and the entire City of Brotherly Love got one big, collective hard on when the Eagles racked up over 400 yards and scored 33 points in Chip’s debut. 

But this ain’t the Pac-10.  You can’t just throw on some ugly-ass uniforms and run plays every 20 seconds and expect to win.  You may have been crowned a genius in Week 1, but by Week 2, you were ridiculed for your inability to manage the clock.  Oh, and your defensive philosophy of ambivalence ain’t gonna cut it.

Honeymoon’s over, Chip.  If he figures out that defense is important, plus learns some basic skills in situational football, the Eagles should be ok.  Might we suggest Eagles fans buy Chip this book for Christmas?

We’ve seen a lot of Pouty Eli thus far.

New York Giants

Oh how the mighty have fallen.  There is one thing wrong with the Giants:  everything, everything that is, except Eli (he’s still dreamy).  The O-line?  Old, hurt, and unable to block.  Running Backs?  They brought Brandon Jacobs back (‘nuff said).  D-line?  No pressure.  Linebackers?  Their best one is an undrafted cancer survivor.  The Secondary continues to give receivers (at least) a five yard cushion, even on press.  And the Special Teams?  Well, they continue to be special:

https://

Screw it, we’ll throw Eli in the mix too.  He’s reverted to Dopey Eli and, while some of his (league-leading) 9 interceptions have been tipped balls, some have been downright awful.

“Hey guys! Remember when I drafted Ahmad Bradshaw in the 7th Round? That was awesome.”

Who’s to blame?  We’re looking right at GM Jerry Reese.  The problem is personnel.  Reese is living off the fumes of his (genius) 2007 draft.  Reese had built this organization to promote from within.  Manningham leaves, that’s fine, we got Cruz.  Osi leaves, we got JPP.  Chris Canty leaves, hello Linval Joseph.  But that doesn’t hold true anymore.  Bradshaw left and David Wilson has not stepped up.  James Brewer has been equally inconsistent on the O-line, and paying Will Beatty $37.5 million now seems like a horrible idea.

Reese has steadfastly refused to place a priority on linebackers, which has led the Giants to fill this position with undrafted players, busts (Aaron Curry), and injury prone veterans (Keith Rivers, Dan Connor). 

The saving grace for the Giants:  as bad as they’ve been, they’re only two games out of first place.

So who’s going to win this division?  Who knows, it’s completely up for grabs.  But I think the better answer is:  who cares?

Enjoy your teabag.

Jacoby’s “about to get hit in the head with a champagne bottle by a stripper” face.

Now that football’s back in full swing, it’s really hard to find a non-football related teabag.  There are a lot of stupid people in the NFL.  Don’t get us wrong:  if The Machine had unlimited amounts of money, power, and fame, we’d do a ton of stupid shit (our life would be somewhere between Jackass and Billy Madison).  Until then, we’re always on the lookout for the biggest and baddest teabags, and while we scour all sports-related issues, we really need go no further than the NFL. 

This week, there were several NFL Teabags to go around.  Honorable Mention Teabags (“HMTs”) go to Von Miller for trying to circumvent the NFL drug testing policy by submitting someone else’s urine.  One small problem: the specimen was submitted from a different City then where Von was…sort of dead giveaway it’s not your pee.  Come on Von, just order one of these.  Also, Aldon Smith of the Niners gets a shout out for his (second) DUI arrest, this on the heels of getting stabbed at his own party and (allegedly) shooting someone at his own party (separate parties, btw).  But Jacoby Jones has them all beat…he may have helped the Ravens win the Super Bowl last year, but he’ll now be remembered for something totally different.

Now, who hasn’t gotten hit over the head with a champagne bottle by a stripper?  Am I right, fellas?  That’s what happened over the weekend to Jacoby Jones, (now) The Machine’s favorite NFL player.  Jacoby was at Bryant McKinnie’s b-day party (yes, that Bryant McKinnie, a/k/a The Machine’s second favorite NFL player) on a limo bus full of strippers, when he was hit in the head with a bottle of champagne by a stripper named Sweet Pea.  There are so many incredible parts to this story, I don’t know where to begin.  Let’s break it down.

1. Mobile Strip Club

Best. Idea. Ever.

You know the most annoying part of going to a strip club is being surrounded by meatheads and drunk 40-something divorcees.  Plus, you have to drive there (gross).  Not anymore.  Now, you can actually motorboat on the highway, and get twerked at a rest stop.  Fucking genius.

2. Bryant McKinnie was involved

You can find Bryant in one of two places: on the field…

The Machine knows two things about Bryant McKinnie:  he plays football and he LOVES strippers.  Bryant was the Captain of the infamous “Loveboat” as a member of the Vikings back in 2005, and you can tell he’s learned a lot from that incident.  The stories from that little shin dig are epic.  But Bryant learned his lesson, and that lesson was:

NFL players + strippers + boat = trouble,

however,

NFL players + strippers + bus = enjoyable Sunday evening.  (Note:  guaranteed this equation was on Bryant’s Intro to Math final at The U). 

or in the club!

Forget Hard Knocks.  The Machine wants McKinnie Cam!  We’d pay top dollar to get an inside look at this dude’s life. 

3. A Stripper Named Sweet Pea

Prior to this weekend, there were three categories of stripper names:  spices, jewels, and cars.  The Machine fondly remembers helping Cinnamon, Sapphire, and Mercedes save for dental school.  But now, The Machine has another category:  flowers.  Flowers are no longer just things your grandma plants or you pee on in the backyard at night.  They’ve been elevated to stripper status.  [cue sleezy stripper DJ Voice]:  “Alright, alright, gentlemen, we got 2 for 1 well drinks goin’ on all night, but right now, put your hands together for Sweet Pea and Rhododendron!”

4. Ace of Spades

Comes in two sizes: Regular and Scourned Stripper.

What really completes this story is Jacoby getting beaned upside the head with a bottle of champagne.  And not just any bottle of champagne…we’re talking about the Ace of Spades, which (if you’re not familiar) comes in a big ass bottle.  Lord knows where that bottle was prior to it being used as a baseball bat. 

This is a plea to all public address announcers at NFL stadiums:  Please, please please, when Jacoby is being introduced, or makes a catch.  Shit, whenever you see him on the sidelines, play this song:

It doesn’t matter if Jacoby wins another Super Bowl or cures cancer, he’s always going to be that guy who got lit up by a stripper.  You’d like to think there’s a lesson to be learned from this, but we’re guessing it’s serve champagne in plastic bottles.  The Machine has definitely learned something:  we’re inviting Bryant McKinnie to everything, including our kids’ birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries, and of course The Draft Party. 

Enjoy your teabag.

In this week’s Tuesday Teabag, The Machine analyzes the 8 teams that are 0-2 and tells you whether they have a shot (i.e. there’s still hope) or not (fuhgettaboutit).  I’m sure you heard the stat, but since 1990 only 8% of the teams that made the playoffs (22 out of 276) started out 0-2.  #numbersdontlie #hashtagsinpostsdonothing.  If that holds true, only one of these teams will make the playoffs.  Who has the best odds of being that team?  Let’s break it down and lay some odds horse track-style.

New York Giants, 3:2

I’d like to think I’m being objective, and not a complete homer (if Roid Rage can love the hoodie, I can objectively analyze the G-Men) but, out of all the 0-2 teams, the Giants have the best shot to turn this around.  That’s not saying much…it makes them the skinniest kid a Fat Camp, but let’s look at how they got there. 

We’ve seen a lot of Pouty Eli thus far.

They have absolutely no running game.  David Wilson has gone Full Tiki (circa 2003).  This forces Eli to press, which in turn results in interceptions (seriously is there another team that throws more tipped ints than the Giants?) which in turn results in Pouty Eli.  On the other side of the ball, their defense is equally atrocious (Perry Fewell, you’re on notice).  You only need to know this one stat to understand why the Giants are 0-2:  in two games, they have fewer rushing yards (73) than points allowed (77).  And, just for shits and giggles, they also lead the league in turnovers (10).

So why, then (other than because I’m a homer) do the G-Men have a shot?  First, the Giants have history on their side.  In 2007, when they won the Super Bowl (18-1 bitches), they started out 0-2.  Their MO is to start out slow, catch fire, and then limp to the end of the season, hovering somewhere in the 9 to 10 win range.  And 9 or 10 wins is all it will take to win the NFC East this year.  And even in that 6 turnover opening game, the Giants still had the ball at midfield with 2:00 minutes left and a chance to win.  Pouty Eli usually turns into Elite Eli in those situations.  Despite all their problems, the Giants are a tipped pick away from being 1-1. 

If Coughlin can solve David Wilson’s fumbleitis, the offense will balance itself out right around the time the defense starts to click, and that, coupled with a mediocre NFC East, will make the Giants legitimate playoff contenders. 

Minnesota Vikings, 5:4

All AP needs is a Top 20 QB

Christian Ponder apologists have been blaming the organization for not surrounding him with enough talent to succeed (do you really need more than AP?).  So, in the offseason the Vikings picked up Greg Jennings, and drafted Cordarrelle Patterson in the first round.  Those two guys, plus AP and promising TE Kyle Rudolph, give Ponder plenty of weapons at his disposal.

The verdict:  Ponder’s not good.  He’s 23^rd in Yards Passing (behind Brandon Weeden and Geno Smith), 2^nd in Interceptions, and 26^th in Completion Percentage (58.6%). 

Gratuitous shot of cheerleaders.

However, consistent quarterback play is the only thing holding this team back.  Their defense is good, and they lost at Chicago by one point on a last second TD.  If Ponder can play just a little better (like Top 15-20), that will keep defenses honest and open up more lanes for AP to run wild.

Washington Redskins – 6:1

Does this knee brace make me look fat?

What a difference a season makes.  RGIII has gone from franchise savior to backup, as people are calling for Kirk Cousins to start.  RGIII (and the Skins) insist he didn’t rush back from his knee surgery too soon, but he certainly looks like a different QB so far.  Not only does he look a step slower when he gets outside of the pocket, but there’s less “zip” on the ball.  Both problems are likely the result of a knee that’s not 100%, as he’s not able to run as fast or put as much pressure on his legs when throwing. 

If he’s not 100%, the Skins should shut him down until he is.  A one-dimensional RGIII is simply an average QB, plus he runs the risk of doing further damage to his knee (he still is the future of the franchise, btw).  Start Cousins and give RGIII the time he needs to properly recover, and the Redskins should be alright.  The problem is Shanahan is such an egomaniac that to put Cousins in will be to admit that he was wrong, and he’s never wrong.

Washington’s saving grace, like the Giants, is their division.  The NFC East was a solid 0-4 this past Sunday, and for the season a stellar 2-6.  No one is going to run away with the division this year. 

Tampa Bay Bucs, 12:1

No more smile fest in Tampa.

Who had September 17 on their “When Will Revis Complain Pool”?  We told you this was a bad move (seriously Tampa, please start reading our Teabags).  Revis will never, and can never, be happy.  Even worse than being not happy, he’s divisive.  We’re two weeks into the season and Schiano has already lost the locker room.  The whole Josh Freeman voting scandal, coupled with him missing the team photo speaks volumes, so does the rumor that he wants out.

Everyone knew Schiano was a no-nonsense Coach.  They wanted a change from the player-friendly Raheem Morris era.  It’s amazing how losing paints him as too strict, and winning paints him as bringing “much needed focus.” 

The sad thing is the Bucs have good, young talent, and a much improved defense.  However, as long as the QB/Coach relationship is strained, this team will go nowhere.  And good luck with the Revis holdout next year.  Suckers.

Pittsburgh Steelers, 20:1

This is Ben when he has time to throw.

Historically the perennial powerhouse in the AFC North, the Steelers suddenly got bad overnight.  Injuries on the O-line and a horrible running game is not a good combination.  Also, there is no one that holds on to the ball longer than Big Ben…probably why he leads the league in getting sacked. 

Getting back Heath Miller will help, but it won’t be enough to overcome the loss of Maurkice Pouncey.  Likewise, on defense, losing Larry Foote for the year is also fatal.

Sorry Steelers fans, but your team is old, slow, and injured.  Welcome to rebuilding mode.

Jesus, even the mascot’s dejected. Poor kitty.

Carolina Panthers, 25:1

For some reason, the Panthers, unlike the Vikings, have refused to provide a supporting cast for Cam Newton.  Steve Smith is approaching 80, and the supporting WR cast consists of the following:  Ted Ginn, Brandon LaFell, Domenik Hixon, RJ Webb, Armanti Edwards, and Kealoha Pilares.  These guys would have trouble starting in the CFL, and that’s just one example of questionable roster decisions by this team.

Why have 3 QBs, 2 FBs, and 4 TEs?  And why is one of those QBs Jimmy Clausen?  That’s a lot of roster space that could be used to bring in a legit WR2.  Fortunately, Cam has enough talent to keep them relevant.  Unfortunately, they face a pissed off Giants team this Sunday, and are looking at going 0-3, which will likely seal the deal for the Panthers.

Cleveland Browns, 1,000,000,000:1

Actual Browns helmut.

Sorry, Cleveland.  If Baltimore winning the Super Bowl and LeBron winning (another) NBA Championship wasn’t enough to rip your hearts out, your Cleveland Browns will come in and finish the job.  Good luck with Johnny Football next year.  His maturity level definitely screams “NFL Ready!”

Jacksonville Jaguars – Glue Factory

Plenty of good seats still available.

What’s more pathetic than holding a Tim Tebow rally?  Having 15 people show up for a Tim Tebow rally.  There’s no chance in Hell (sorry, H-E-double hockey sticks –for Tebow) the Jags are going to resemble anything close to competitive this year.  Blaine Gabbert being injured is actually a good thing.  MJD going down is not. 

Jacksonville’s streak of 5 consecutive Top 10 first round picks is firmly in check. 

Forget Tebow, not even JC himself can help this team.

Enjoy your teabag.