Thanks Peyton for all your hard work…dick.

Loyal readers of The Machine know that we love excessive displays of wealth, power, and crazy.  It’s why we love A-Rod, Mike Tyson, RHONJ, and 80’s Hair Metal.  But even we have our limits…and our limit is reached when it comes to Jim Irsay.

Irsay is the owner of the Colts.  He’s outspoken and passionate, loves guitars, and is a huge fan of Twitter.  These things aren’t necessarily bad (ok, a 54-year-old man with a Twitter hard-on is a bit much) but throw in an over-bearing personality that loves to show off his wealth while at the same time professing he’s one of us, and it’s too much.  As an owner, he subscribes to the Jerry Jones School of Ownership Meddling, and that puts him in the middle of our crosshairs.

The Sunday night game featured the (previously) undefeated Broncos at the Colts.  Peyton Manning coming back to Indy to face his old team, you know, the team (and Owner) who thought he wasn’t good enough to keep playing.  Andrew Luck ready to show the world he’s ready to be the next great Colts QB.  A lot of meaningful storylines that added drama to this anticipated matchup.  And then there’s Irsay.

In the weeks leading up to the big game, Irsay wasted no time making sure the Peyton Manning bridge to Indy was completely burned.  In what can only be considered a backhanded compliment, Irsay noted the following in an interview with USA Today: 

“We’ve changed our model a little bit, because we wanted more than one of these,” Irsay says, flicking up his right hand to show his Super Bowl XLI championship ring.

“(Tom) Brady never had consistent numbers, but he has three of these,” Irsay adds. “Pittsburgh had two, the Giants had two, Baltimore had two and we had one. That leaves you frustrated.”

“You make the playoffs 11 times, and you’re out in the first round seven out of 11 times. You love to have the Star Wars numbers from Peyton and Marvin (Harrison) and Reggie (Wayne). Mostly, you love this.”  Then, Irsay flicks up his right hand again.

Now, obviously this was a dig at Peyton, and it was universally received as such.  John Fox, coach of the Broncos, called it “disappointing and inappropriate” and Todd Helton, yes the baseball player, called Irsay classless and an idiot.  This prompted Irsay to go to Twitter to set the record straight (note: the record has never been set straight via Twitter).

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My comments meant if we gave Peyton better SP Teams n Def,we would have won more than 1 Sup/Bowl,instead of asking Peyton 2do too much

— Jim Irsay (@JimIrsay) October 16, 2013

Yeah, that totally makes sense.  If that’s the case, why didn’t you say that?  We’d have more respect for Irsay if he stood by his comments.  Instead, he blames “the media” for twisting his words and (very logically) adding meaning to what he says.

As luck would have it (pun intended), the Colts won on Sunday night.  This win alone speaks volumes, and should give Irsay all the satisfaction he needs.  However, like every mega-ego maniac, Irsay wasn’t satisfied with letting the win do the talking.  Back to Twitter!   

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What a Night! Great Video Tribute for #18,as our Fans cheered! Great Win as my Team gave me the VICTORIOUS Game Ball! SWEET! I was Humbled!

— Jim Irsay (@JimIrsay) October 21, 2013

Ok, nice job trying to (re)build the Manning bridge (and good job recognizing that your fanbase still views him as a demi-god and would pick him over you any day).  Then, things took a quick turn to crazy.

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I do pray for you unhappy,shit-slingers…who wants to live on a planet with those who don’t like themselves..we want happy,kind people:)

— Jim Irsay (@JimIrsay) October 21, 2013

Then, perhaps addressing (legitimate) questions like “hey man, it’s 3:00 in the morning and you’re dropping shit-slingers on Twitter…you hammered?” Irsay clarified his state of mind: 

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Actually working,sorry naysayers..I don’t drink…haven’t in over 15 years..I know when your unhappy or jealous it’s easy to b mean-spirited

— Jim Irsay (@JimIrsay) October 21, 2013

 

And why haven’t you thrown one back in over 15 years, Jim?  Oh yeah, that’s why. 

Blue hair and glazed eyes definitely not alcohol induced.

Ok Jim, The Machine’s going to level with you:  stop being a fame whore owner.  You’ve done a good job building, and now rebuilding, the Colts.  Let that serve as your body of work.  Trashing former players, folding like a two dollar hooker when called out, and otherwise acting like a douche is not the way to go.  Your eccentricities will eventually wear everyone down and turn them against you (see Davis, Al). 

Nothing says “average joe” like posing in front of a dozen custom-made guitars and a Super Bowl trophy.

And stop trying to be a man of the people.  You’re not one of us, buddy, and you’re not a Mark Cuban-like success story.  You’re the owner of the Colts because your daddy was the owner of the Colts.  Shit, the only things my dad gave me were bad knees and a receding hairline.

And stop tweeting so much, unless you want to RT this article.  That’s cool.

Enjoy your Teabag.

It’s not you Steve, it’s them.

So what city has the worst baseball fans?  Coming up with a Top 5 (in alphabetical order) is easy:  Boston, Chicago, Los Angeles, New York, and Philadelphia (damn, we’re a bunch of scumbags on the east coast).  But picking a number 1?  That gets a little tougher.  Each city could lay claim to that title, but The Machine gives you the real answer, after analyzing it through our exclusive Teabag-ometer® : 

 Yes, loyal Machine readers.  Chicago, and in particular Cubs fans, are the Worst.  Fans.  Ever.  Sure, your chances of getting killed at a Dodgers game are pretty high, but that’s only if you root for the other team.  In Chicago, they turn on their own. 

Monday marked the 10^th anniversary of the Steve Bartmann fiasco.  Sidebar:  that was ten years ago???  Damn, we’re old.  Anyway, we all remember the scene, but let’s give a quick recap:

Game 6, Cubs v. Marlins.  Cubs are ahead in the series 3-2.  Top of the 8^th, Cubs leading 3-0 and are 5 outs away from going to their first World Series in 58 (now 68) years.  The Wrigley faithful are electric.  This is our year…and then it happens.

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Foul ball down the left field line.  Moises Alou jumps into the stands to try and catch the ball amidst a crowd of people, including Bartman (and others).  He doesn’t catch the ball, but instead throws a temper tantrum at Bartman, who (unknowingly) has just become the most hated person in all of Chicago. 

Stay classy, Chicago.

The Marlins score 8 runs in that inning, Cubs lose, and Bartman (for his own safety) gets escorted out of his seat and has to leave Wrigley in a disguise.  Obviously, the Cubs lose Game 7, haven’t been back to the playoffs since, and it’s all because of Steve Motherfucking Bartman.*

Anyone who really believes that Steve Bartman (a lifelong Cubs fan) caused the Cubs to lose is 100% bat shit crazy.  Let’s look at some things that Cubs fans aren’t familiar with:  facts.  First, there’s no way Alou catches that ball.  ESPN can write all

Sorry crazy obsessive Cubs fans, but find someone else to blame.

the compelling documentaries they want, but look at this photo.  Enough said.  Second, this would probably have been a non-issue but for Moises’ childish hissy fit, which really set things in motion.  Third, it was Game 6, there was still an entirely different game to play, at home, in a Bartman-free Wrigley.  Fourth, if you really want to blame someone (aren’t we all looking for someone to blame for our failures?), blame Alex Motherfucking Gonzalez*, who botched an easy (inning ending) double play. 

Yes, there are a ton of reasons why Bartman is not to blame.  However, in the ensuing 10 years, he’s had to live a life of relative obscurity.  Surprisingly, he still lives in Chicago, but hasn’t been back to Wrigley, and refuses to do any interviews or make any public appearances, despite ESPN’s desperate attempts to get him on camera. 

You’d think that people would be able to move on.  Reasonable sports fans would.  But, then again, we’re talking about people who actually believe their team was cursed by a billy goat in 1945.  So, really, when you take that to its logical conclusion, it can’t be Bartman’s fault because it’s Billy Motherfucking Goat’s* fault. 

Well, that should end the curse, right?

In 2004, the owner of Harry Caray’s restaurant purchased the Bartman baseball for just over $113,000.  They asked people for suggestions on what they should do with the ball.  They received over 20,000 suggestions (hello, crazy).  Ultimately, they decided to blow it up in front of a live nationally televised audience.  Stay classy, Chicago.

Hey, Cubbies, listen up:  Let.  It.  Go.  It’s been 10 years and your team sucks.  And it’s not Bartman’s fault.  It never was.  Trying to blame others for your teams failures is a move normally reserved to suburban helicopter parents.  The Cubs, by sitting silent through all this, have assisted in irretrievably screwing up this guy’s life.  If I’m the Cubs, I’d invite Bartman back to throw the first pitch and sing Take Me Out to the Ballgame, and formally apologize on behalf of your (neurotic/sociopathic/manic-depressive/alcoholic) fan base.  However, such a move, according to notable Chicago sports journalists, would be unthinkable. 

Says Michael Wilbon, “What does the organization stand to gain by that?  I’ll tell you:  Nothing.”  The fact that reputable journalists discredit the idea of a Bartman reunion is ridiculous.  The man’s life has been ruined, he’s been in hiding for 10 years and has an entire City (still) blaming him for losing the World Series, excuse me, for losing Game 6 of the NLCS which would have gotten them to the World Series, and they’re concerned with what impact it would have on the Cubbies. 

I don’t care how many “wicked retahdes” or “fugethabboutits” I have to sit through in Fenway or Yankee Stadium, respectively, it’s certainly more enjoyable to know that at least I’ll be surrounded by people who only hate the other team and their fans.

Enjoy your Teabag.

*unconfirmed middle name

NFL’s version of The Biggest Loser.

Since ummm, I don’t know, forever, the NFC East has been the most dominant division in football.  Seriously, for the past 30 years, you’d always have a seat at the table and a legitimate argument.  In the 80’s, the NFC East won 3 Super Bowls (Redskins ’83, ’87, Giants ’86).  The 90’s, a record 5 Super Bowls, including 4 in a row (thanks Buffalo) (Giants ’91, Redskins ’92, Cowboys ’93, ’94, and ‘96).  And so far, in the 21^st Century, the East has claimed two more Super Bowls (Giants ’07, ’12). 

But that winning argument ends today.  Here’s the record of the NFC East after 4 weeks:

Dallas:             2-2

Philadelphia:   1-3

Washington:    1-3

NY Giants:      0-4

No one has a winning record, and combined they’re an embarrassing 4-12.  How bad are things?  Christ, if Cleveland was in the NFC East, they’d be in first place.  So would Buffalo.

This is an unprecedented level of futility.  It’s very possible that the “winner” of the East will not have a winning record.  And, even more interesting, each team is failing for a different reason.  Let’s take a look under the hood of each of these losers.

Sounds about right.

Dallas Cowboys

Despite having the “best” record in the East, Dallas has the biggest problems, because they involve institutional instability (a nice way of saying the organization is run by a bunch of fucktards).  Dallas has trotted out the exact same team for more than a decade.  Flashes of brilliance coupled with an undisciplined approach to playing football.  They suffer from an intolerable Owner (who’s also the GM) who refuses to cede an inch of control.  This leads to spineless head coaches and a room full of “yes men” in Jerryworld. 

As long as Jerry plays Puppetmaster, the Cowboys are doomed (love the blue unitards, btw).

Jerrah’s a young Al Davis, who, after a good period of success, drove the franchise into the ground through his uncompromising ways (and speed first philosophy) until he died at age 120.  Oakland’s still recovering from Hurricane Al.  Dallas is on track to suffer a similar fate from Hurricane Jerrah.

Washington Redskins

Does this knee brace make me look fat?

Washington’s problem is easy enough:  they have completely botched RGIII.  RGIII is the franchise…and you do everything to protect the franchise, even if that means sitting him until he’s 100% healthy.  And you especially sit him when your franchise QB is a dual threat QB and has a bum knee.  Everyone knows RGIII is hurt.  His own teammates know he’s hurt.  And by trotting out a gimpy RGIII, you have taken away the dual threat.  His game is now completely marginalized, and a marginalized RGIII is simply an average QB. 

Shanahan’s ego is too big to make a change.  There’s no way he’s pulling RGIII now, unless of course, he blows out his knee (again).  At 1-3, there’s no reason for him to be out there.  The Skins are only one game out of first place.  They should rest RGIII and put in (a healthy) Kirk Cousins.  By continuing to play RGIII, the Skins run the risk of irretrievably damaging the franchise.

“Hey Mike, any chance you can play D too?”

Philadelphia Eagles

Chip Kelly’s high-octane offense is surely paying dividends:  the Eagles are averaging just under 25 points a game.  The only problem?  No one told him he had to play defense:  the Eagles are giving up just under 35 points a game.

Chip was hailed by the media and fans as this years’ read-option.  He was going to revolutionize the way the game was played.  People drooled over the training camp smoothies (oh he’s so progressive) and the entire City of Brotherly Love got one big, collective hard on when the Eagles racked up over 400 yards and scored 33 points in Chip’s debut. 

But this ain’t the Pac-10.  You can’t just throw on some ugly-ass uniforms and run plays every 20 seconds and expect to win.  You may have been crowned a genius in Week 1, but by Week 2, you were ridiculed for your inability to manage the clock.  Oh, and your defensive philosophy of ambivalence ain’t gonna cut it.

Honeymoon’s over, Chip.  If he figures out that defense is important, plus learns some basic skills in situational football, the Eagles should be ok.  Might we suggest Eagles fans buy Chip this book for Christmas?

We’ve seen a lot of Pouty Eli thus far.

New York Giants

Oh how the mighty have fallen.  There is one thing wrong with the Giants:  everything, everything that is, except Eli (he’s still dreamy).  The O-line?  Old, hurt, and unable to block.  Running Backs?  They brought Brandon Jacobs back (‘nuff said).  D-line?  No pressure.  Linebackers?  Their best one is an undrafted cancer survivor.  The Secondary continues to give receivers (at least) a five yard cushion, even on press.  And the Special Teams?  Well, they continue to be special:

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Screw it, we’ll throw Eli in the mix too.  He’s reverted to Dopey Eli and, while some of his (league-leading) 9 interceptions have been tipped balls, some have been downright awful.

“Hey guys! Remember when I drafted Ahmad Bradshaw in the 7th Round? That was awesome.”

Who’s to blame?  We’re looking right at GM Jerry Reese.  The problem is personnel.  Reese is living off the fumes of his (genius) 2007 draft.  Reese had built this organization to promote from within.  Manningham leaves, that’s fine, we got Cruz.  Osi leaves, we got JPP.  Chris Canty leaves, hello Linval Joseph.  But that doesn’t hold true anymore.  Bradshaw left and David Wilson has not stepped up.  James Brewer has been equally inconsistent on the O-line, and paying Will Beatty $37.5 million now seems like a horrible idea.

Reese has steadfastly refused to place a priority on linebackers, which has led the Giants to fill this position with undrafted players, busts (Aaron Curry), and injury prone veterans (Keith Rivers, Dan Connor). 

The saving grace for the Giants:  as bad as they’ve been, they’re only two games out of first place.

So who’s going to win this division?  Who knows, it’s completely up for grabs.  But I think the better answer is:  who cares?

Enjoy your teabag.