Tuesday Teabag, September 11

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NFL Announcers

Yes, this is the first teabag that goes to an entire group of people.  Why, do you ask?  First, stereotyping is fun.  Second, and arguably more important, if you watched any of the games on Sunday (for the record, if you didn’t watch at least 3 games while constantly checking your fantasy score(s), then you’re on the wrong website) you no doubt noticed the constant talking about replacement referees.

Look, we get it.  Nobody likes the replacement refs.  There’s actually talk that (gasp!) a female referee was among these scabs.  However, listening to the announcers on Sunday, plus all the pre and post game shows…yes, we watch those too, much to the amazement of Mrs. Machine (“you already watched and know the scores of every game, why do you need to see highlights set to music?”) every time a flag was thrown or a call was made, it was questioned in the booth as to whether it was legit or not.  None more annoying than the cut shot to Mike Pereira during the Seahawks/Cardinals game.  Ok, the Seahawks got an extra time out.  Big fucking deal, it didn’t affect the game at all.  Listening to Sam Rosen and Heath Evans (FYI there’s a reason these fuckers are calling the Seahawks/Cardinals game) you’d think the scab refs were running around clueless.

When did the regular referees get put on pedestals that can do no wrong?  Remember when the refs got the coin toss wrong on the Lions/Steelers Thanksgiving overtime game?  Pretty sure the scabs didn’t get that wrong over the weekend.  There are countless other times the “real” refs messed up.  In fact, instant replay was created to erase the human error made by the “real” refs.

Listen, nobody wants to see Ed Hochuli and his guns back on the field more than The Machine, but it’s such low hanging fruit for the announcers to complain and question every time the scab refs make a call, and equaling annoying when they patronize a correct call.  Just shut up and call the game.  If it’s going to be like this every week, then this labor dispute needs to end now.  Until then, The Machine will boil with rage every time Kenny and Moose dissect a holding call.

Happy Opening Kickoff Day!

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The Machine hasn’t been this excited since Draft Weekend!  Tonight’s game is a microcosm of the 2012 season; it’s chock-full of storylines, drama, hope, rivalry, despair and Tony Romo!  Here are some random thoughts that are keeping us from getting any kind of actual work done today:

  • The replacement referees certainly have taken a beating during the preseason and rightfully so.  But just how bad are they really?  If you didn’t know they were ‘replacement’ referees would you be placing every call under a microscope?  Less we forget the real referees make terrible, game altering calls on a regular basis too.  These replacements aren’t immune to the scrutiny and media blood bath.  The last thing they want to be is Thursday morning’s headline.  Our prediction: they swallow the whistle for the last 4 minutes and let the players play.
  • We like David Wilson’s chances of scoring a touchdown fumbling in this one.  This kid is electric a fumbler.
  • Jason Spleen won’t suit up for this one.  In fact we don’t like his chances for Week 2.  In fact, if at all possible try to move him in your fantasy league; we just don’t see him finishing in the top-15 this year.
  • Vegas has it Giants -3.5.  That sounds about right.  There are a lot of people out there claiming the Cowboys will win because the Giants don’t play their best football until their back is against the wall; evident by 3-1 record down the stretch last year to finish at 9-7 and their subsequent Super Bowl run.  The Machine doesn’t buy it.  While the G-men certainly embrace the ‘must-win’ edge, this veteran group will have no troubles getting up for the season opener against Jerry’s Boys.
  • The real battle to watch is in the trenches.  Can the Cowboys offensive line open holes to get De Murray going early?  Can they give Romo time to throw against the best pass rush in football?
  • JPP O/U 1.5 sacks.  OVER
  • Prediction: Giants 27 Cowboys 23

Steroids—This Generation’s Problem???

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What is it with old people that causes them to believe all the problems in the world are the current generation’s fault and that, back in their day, none of these problems existed?  It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy:  the older you get, the more the current generation sucks.

Recently, The Machine was at a family function doing what The Machine does best (crushing beers and talking sports) and the subject turned to steroids and performance enhancing drugs.  Instantly, the old people started right in about how the integrity of sports has been ruined by these cheaters, that the records being broken (you know, the records that were set by their sports icons) should still be recognized as the real records, and that any awards should be taken away.

Case in point:  Melky Cabrera, the latest pill-popper and distinguished Tuesday Teabag recipient.  Melky recently won the MVP of the All-Star Game, and helped to secure home field advantage to the National League in the World Series [let’s put aside that fact that deciding home field advantage by the winning team in the All-Star Game is the Dumbest.  Thing.  Ever.]  Unanimously, the old timers agreed that Melky should be stripped of his MVP Award, that Barry Bonds should have an asterisk next to his home run total, and that Roger Clemens should not get in to the Hall of Fame.  Thank God The Machine was there to put these people in check.

The Machine:    “You know it was your generation that introduced steroids to sports, right?”

Old Person:        “Yeah, but not to the extent it’s being used now.”  Came the expected reply.

The Machine:    “So you want to make a big statement about cleaning up sports, right?”

Old Person:        “I don’t like where this is headed.”

The Machine:    “So let’s take away the Steelers four Super Bowls from the 70’s and Willie Mays’ two MVP awards.”

Old Person:        “What the fuck are you talking about young man!”

And therein lies the problem.  You can’t just set 2003 as the date by which you start taking away results.  And it’s just as stupid to go further back in time.  And you can’t just blame the last decade as defiling the integrity of sports.  What happened, happened.  Steroids weren’t illegal in the 1970’s (neither was HGH in baseball until 2005).  Perhaps they weren’t “illegal” but everyone knew it was wrong.  And please, can we stop with the notion that this is our fault?  The Machine’s willing to bet that more professional athletes used steroids in the 1970’s than today.  Steroids weren’t newsworthy then like they are now.  Nobody gave a shit…kind of like nobody gave a shit about wearing seatbelts or listening to good music (seriously, the Bee Gees?).

Look, The Machine gets that being old sucks but come on people, have some perspective.  Your sports idols and heroes were just as corrupt, meatheaded, and obsessed with getting an edge on the competition as ours are.  And, as long as we have professional sports in this country, there will always be people that will lie and cheat their way to the top.  However, The Machine’s convinced that the next generation will be worse than today’s.  Kids these days…

Tuesday Teabag, August 21

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Melky Cabrera

The Machine was all ready to crown Chad Johnson our Tuesday Teabag award winner (seriously bro, who keeps the receipt from the grocery store, especially when said receipt lists a box of Magnums that clearly aren’t intended for your wife?).  But congrats Chad, there’s some good news coming your way.  Sure, you’ve been publicly humiliated, your football career is over, and your wife is divorcing you, but there’s always someone worse off than you.  It’s the Jerry Springer theory (just watch some Springer repeats and you’ll feel better in no time).

Who’s having a worse week than Ocho-crazy?  Melky Cabrera.  When word first hit that Melky tested positive for PEDs, this barely registered on The Machine’s radar.  A professional athlete on steroids?  Big deal.  The Machine actually gave Melky some credit when he stepped up and took full blame, instead of the usual “it was a prescription for ADHD or a sinus infection.”  However, when word hit that Melky was involved in a website and fictitious supplement, well now you have our attention.

As the story goes, Melky and his associates, apparently after watching an Oceans 13 marathon, came up with an elaborate ruse to fool the MLB.  They created a website selling a fake supplement, and that was somehow going to get the Melkman off the hook.  There’re about as many layers to this plan as the Davinci Code (seriously, The Machine, surrounded in a cloud of smoke on the third floor of his fraternity house with Bob Marley blaring, devised better hoaxes in college).  Of course you were going to get busted.  There’s not enough weed to go around to think that plan was going to work.

The cover-up is always worse than the crime.  But you’ve gone one step further (and believe me, it’s a big step further).  You attempted to lie your way out by fabricating evidence.  This is a direct attack to the MLB drug testing system.  From now on, any athlete who asserts innocence will be doubted.  In order to erase all doubt, the testing policy must be revised to make public the substance that resulted in the positive test.  This would remove from the equation the Adderall excuse if we knew you tested positive for Stanozolol and horse urine.  Not surprisingly, the MLBPA is vehemently against any public disclosure (shocker).

Melky…don’t worry, it’s not all bad.  It could be worse (think Springer).  Consider yourself lucky for trying this dumbass move in the MLB.  Can you imagine what the NFL would do if you tried to pull that shit on Goodell?  RGI would waterboard the shit out of you and beat your associates senseless.  Be thankful that your Commissioner really doesn’t give a shit about the integrity of his sport.  Also, be thankful for the Tuesday Teabag.

Tuesday Teabag, August 14

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Dwight Howard

Oh Dwight.  Just two short years ago, you were the posterchild for the do right in the NBA.  Malcontent (nope), diva (no way), only one out of wedlock kid (that’s NBA speak for virgin).  You had it all.  While the rest of the world was pissed at Lebron for The Decision, no one was pissed at you.  You were carefree, effervescent…everyone loved your Superman ritual.  You were, in a word, unstoppable.

Today, you are unforgiveable.  Sure, you ended up with the Lakers.  Good for you.  But here Dwight, the end does not justify the means.  In the last season alone, you not only erased all of your good will, but you’ve proved that you are not only the most selfish, me-first individual in professional sports, but you also the dumbest.  Let’s recap:

You pissed and moaned to the Magic brass and demanded Van Gundy and Otis Smith get fired at the end of the season, all the while denying it.  In exchange, you signed a one-year extension to stay with the Magic for next season.  Now, that alone is pretty douchey, but hey, we’ve all tried to get the boss fired before.  But then, incredibly, you take it one step further.  The Magic, in good faith reliance on The Deal (which yes, is the douche bag version of The Decision), fire Van Gundy and Smith (thanks for taking us to the postseason five years in a row Stan, now pack up your shit and walk your doughy ass out the door).  You should’ve shut up then, played out your year in Orlando (maybe ask for a trade behind the scenes), all the while knowing that the summer of 2013 you’d be an unrestricted free agent.  But no, you then demanded a trade, reneging on The Deal.  And not only did you demand a trade, but you limited it to one Team:  the Nets.  You think that maybe affects the power negotiations for the Magic?

Did you not realize that you had all the leverage BEFORE you signed your one year extension, and, after that, you had NO leverage at all?  If you wanted to go to Brooklyn, you could’ve been there.  You could’ve become the cornerstone of bringing the game back to Brooklyn.  Superman back in Metropolis.  You easily would’ve been the best center in NYC since Ewing.  You could’ve owned NYC (sounds awesome, right)?  But instead, now you’re following Shaq’s footsteps to LA.  Please note that the comparisons between you and The Diesel end there.  Your antics over the past two seasons will ensure that you will never attain Shaq-status.  Even if you star in Kazaam 2.

Sure, you’ll probably win a title in LA (you do have Kobe, Gasol, and Steve Nash), and sure, the media will likely forgive you (we are a forgiving bunch).  But not The Machine.  The Machine’s Douche-dar is as good (if not better) than its Gay-dar, and our meter is off the charts.  Beware LA, Superdouche is already on full display.  Case in point:  Dwight’s already announced that he has no intention of signing a long term deal (or any extension) until after the season.  Translation:  if things don’t go his way, if the spotlight’s not completely on him (and guess what, it won’t be when you’re lacing up alongside Black Mamba), if the offense doesn’t run through him, if the Lakers don’t win a championship, if he doesn’t have a better parking space than Metta World Peace (you get the picture), then you can bet your ass he’ll high tail it out of LA, and then the Lakers will be left with nothing for The Deal.  Even if he does sign an extension, it’s just a matter of time before the fun-loving gives way to the malcontent.

Want some free advice from The Machine:  fire everyone that currently represents you.  Agents, managers, lawyers.  Everyone.  You’re management team has proved about as productive as Tim Tebow in a whore house (this goes where?).  And sign your extension with LA.  You may not know it, but your stock has dropped.  A lot.  There’s no way you could command the kind of coin you’re expecting (or your management team is telling you to expect), when every team knows that as soon as things don’t go your way, you’ll bitch, complain, and force your way out the door.  You can’t be trusted to build a franchise around; hence, you’ll never get paid like one.

Enjoy your Tuesday Teabag.

Tuesday Teabag, August 7

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Michael Jerome Irvin, all 6’-2”, 207 lbs. (or, as “The Playmaker” prefers, 94 kilos) come on down, you’re this weeks Teabag Award Winner!  Once you get past the incoherent drivel and nonsensical jawing, every time the ol’ playmaker opens his mouth a few doozies come rolling off the tongue.

Gem #1: Vince-who?!

Apparently the Boston Heralds Sport section was a little thin, so they gave Mike a call and kept the recorder rolling.  On the subject of the Super Bowl, Irvin opined, “Maaaan, if it was up to me, that trophy would be called the Lombardi-Belichick.  I don’t care what they think.  That’s how good he is to do what he’s doing in this day and age, what the league is now.”  Irvin is currently an analyst for the NFL Network (why?) so one would reason that he has access to all sorts of historical databases and statistical comparisons.  So he probably put that stellar University of Miami education to good use and did some research before making such a claim, right?!  Wrong!

Just for shits and giggles, The Machine took a closer look at the numbers. Vince Lombardi was 2-0 in Super Bowls and had a career 74% regular season win percentage; His Green Bay Packers also won 6 (pre-Super Bowl) NFL Championships.  He helped pioneer the NFL in the early days and is considered the benchmark for coaching excellence.    The Hoodie sports a 3-2 Super Bowl Record and a 64% regular season win percentage.  Oh, he was also caught cheating red-handed by the NFL in the Spygate Scandal and only escaped with relative ease because of a massive NFL cover-up (seriously, a formal complaint was made; evidence gathered; a ruling administered; evidence fully destroyed and a formal apology made in the span of 4 days!!).  It hardly seems fitting that these two be considered equals.  It’s the equivalent of renaming baseballs top pitching award to the Cy-Young- Mike Mussina Award.

The Machine certainly isn’t advocating a name change, but if we were going to add a second name to the hallow Lombardi Trophy we’d probably go with Chuck Knoll (4-0 Super Bowl record), or Bill Walsh (3-0), or Don Shula (2 Super Bowl wins, 1 NFL Championship, most NFL wins).  Hell, if part of Irvin’s criteria is coaching in the modern era (which in Irvin’s coke induced mind must be anytime after ’99) then why not Tom Coughlin (2-0, with both wins coming AGAINST Belichick)?!

Gem #2….88 as crazy as ever 

Michael Irvin, the former crazy #88 WR for the Dallas Cowboys recently spoke of his disappointment for the current crazy #88 WR for the Dallas Cowboys, Dez Bryant.  Dez’s rap sheet has been well documented here.  His latest stunt, a fore-arm shiver upside his mothers dome made Irvins “heart bleed”.  Are you sure that’s not just a residual from burning rocks, 88?  Anyways, Irvin told ESPN Dallas that, “this is uncharted waters. I like to speak out of my spirit on a lot of things, both the highs and the lows, the peaks and the valleys I’ve experienced,” Irvin said. “But this is out of the world for me. I’ve never laid my hands on any woman, let alone talk about the No. 1 woman in any man’s life, which should be his mother.”  See, technically Mike never did lay hands on a woman because he had Eric Williams pointing a gun to their head while he videotaped his deeds….allegedly.  Old Jerrah might want to get his dick out of his newly minted billion dollar glory hole and hire a team physiatrist; because Michael Irvin thinking you’ve gone too far is like the Uni-Bomber accusing someone of mail fraud.

Michael, we know that you’ve got 750 career receptions (which truthfully means that there were 750 blown offensive pass interference calls), but could you please just snort away the rest of your fortune in your own time?!

2012 Top 10 Fantasy DEFs

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Not sure about you, but this over saturation of synchronized diving, ballet dancing and gymnastics has the Machine just itching for some football.  We’d take Pro-Bowl effort football at this point.  (Side note: The Machine confused the frolicking, spinning, and overall concerted effort that the synchronized divers put into getting from the pool to the hot tub as ballet dancing.  Is this the Summer Olympics or a bad episode of ‘Blind Date’)?  Anyways, our final ‘Top 10’ fantasy ranking is Defense. You know, D-[insert picture of picket fence here].  We’ll be updating the lists as training camps, preseason and Bryant Family BBQ’s wrap up this summer.

Defenses certainly don’t win fantasy championships.  Last year, the difference between the #1 (Chicago) and #10 (Philly) defense was 31 points, just under 2 points a week.  However, the difference between Philly and #20 (Dallas) was another 24 points.  You definitely want to identify the top 6 or 7 fantasy defenses and get one of them as late in the draft as possible.  It’s also worth pointing out that a fantasy defense hasn’t repeated at the number one overall spot in a decade.  A number of factors contribute to this trend: first, significant fantasy scoring stats such as fumbles (recovered), interceptions and special team touchdowns are as reliable as the transmission in a ’91 Dodge Daytona.  Secondly, the current rules of the NFL have all but abolished the days of the ‘dominate’ defense.  The Machines approach to evaluating defenses is simple:  give us a defense that can consistently put pressure on the opposing teams quarterback.  This yields the most potential for sacks and mistakes (ie interceptions, fumbles, etc.).  With that in mind we present the Top 10 Fantasy Defenses for 2012:

  1. San Francisco – Feeding off of Patrick Willis’s intensity, this defense brings the lumber every game.  Aldon Smith is a pass-rushing phenom.  This defense finished 4th last year while only scoring 1 TD! If a few more balls bounce their way look out.
  1. New York Giants – The G-men boast the deepest, most talented defensive line in football, just ask Tom Brady.  JPP has the chance to win multiple defensive MVP awards if he stays healthy.
  1. Green Bay Packers – This defense will get plenty off opportunities to pin their ears back and rush the passer.  Their first six selections in the draft were defensive players; Nick Perry and Jerel Worthy should be able to contribute right away.  Their secondary has a few playmakers that are willing to gamble for the big payoff.  It looks like a great year to buy into the GB DEF.
  1. Philadelphia Eagles – They added some nice pieces via free agency, trades and the draft.  Their defensive line is dynamic, if not undersized, and built to attack the quarterback.  At this point the only thing this defense is missing is a legitimate coordinator.  While we have zero faith in Castillo, even he’d be hard pressed not to have success with this defense…(again)
  1. Chicago Bears – Da Bears!  Their defense always seems to translate well into the fantasy realm.  They seem to have the uncanny ability to turn turnovers into touchdowns.  Oh, and it doesn’t hurt to have the best punter returner in history.
  1. Buffalo Bills – We’re drinking the Kool-Aid that this defensive line is going to wreak havoc.  It’s been quite a long time since the Bills were known for getting after the QB, so this could be a very fun group to watch.  They also have some young and talented secondary players in Bryd, A. Williams and rookie S. Gilmore (who will challenge Revis for the best corner in the conference within two years!)
  1. Houston Texans – Wade Phillips’ defenses are tried and true.  They generate sacks and interceptions.  Even with some big time free agency departures they have a talented front-seven.
  1. Detroit Lions – This defense will stomp on your face, literally.  While The Machine is nervous that the Lions might not be able to field an entire squad at their current arrest rate, what has us even more uneasy is the fact that they scored 7 DTDs last year.  We don’t like their chances of hitting that number again this year.
  1. Baltimore Ravens – Oh how the mighty have fallen.  It’s hard to back a team with so many aging veterans (R. Lewis, E. Reed) and that lost their best (player) pass-rusher in T. Sizzle Suggs.  We’d rather be a year too early jumping off this wagon than a year too late.
  1. Seattle Seahawks – Here is a defense that flies under the radar.  They finished 6th overall last year (8.3 fpt/gm).  Sure, it helps when you play six games against Sam Bradford/Kevin Kolb/Alex Smith, but this defense deserves some credit.  They did everything well and have an under rated secondary.  Earl Thomas is one of the best young safeties in the league.

Tuesday Teabag, July 31

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Olympic Gymnastic Parents

The Machine can’t help but be in awe when watching gymnastics (yes, the Machine has Olympic fever).  Whether it’s the men or women, what they do is simply unreal.  However, as impressive as these athletes are, there’s a little secret that’s bubbling to the surface during the Olympics:  their parents are crazy.  I mean bat shit crazy.  Take every article you’ve read about soccer moms fighting in the stands, dads getting thrown out of little league games (the Machine can’t wait to get tossed from his sons’ baseball games when they get older, btw), and throw it away.  Move aside, overbearing suburban parents, there’s a new crazy in town, and they’re on full display in London.  Anyone see the dad trying to get the crowd to join in his rhythmic clapping?  How about the parents having seizure-like convulsions in the stands during their kid’s routine?  We did.  After watching 2 days of gymnastics (our fever is starting to break) you have to ask yourself:  how many of these kids were pushed into gymnastics by domineering, highly critical, super intense parents?  Our answer:  100%.  Christ, John Orozco is from the Bronx.  How many kids in the Bronx—on their own—decide, “hmm, I think I’ll take up the pommel horse.”  Exactly.

Hey, we’re all about being proud of our kids.  Kevin Durant’s parents at Thunder games?  Heart-warming.  America’s newest sweetheart’s, Missy Franklin’s, parents at the swim meet?  Adorable.  But these parents drive straight past adorable to creepy.  Their screams pierce the arena, and their movements and actions scream “look at me” and “you’ve practiced this routine 8,000 times, I know because I uprooted our family and drove you to all your practices since you were 3 years old, so don’t mess it up for us, I mean me.”  These kids are treated like collectable dolls (well, they are doll-like in stature).  This isn’t Toddlers and Tiaras, although we get the vibe it’s a lot closer than it should be.

Listen up Olympic Gymnastic Parents, and listen good:  Your children, impressive athletes as they are, are relevant for about 15 minutes every four years (given the men’s epic collapse in the all-around, you can cut that down to about 5).  We get that you’re into it, that you’re excited to watch your kids compete at the Olympic level.  However, your excitement shows the worst in modern day parenting:  fanaticism.  You’ve sacrificed a normal childhood for a slavish devotion to gymnastics.  Fine, but tone down the antics.  The Olympics should be about the pure joy of sport, yet, when we see a gymnast nail the uneven bars, we don’t see joy.  We see relief.  Then, we see Ma and Pa Crazy Pants in the stands, and it all makes sense.

Congrats on the Tuesday Teabag award, Olympic Gymnastic Parents.  The way things are shaping up in London, it may be the only award you come home with.

You can’t kill the Metal!

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The Machine has already explained our disgust (here) with NBC and IOC for whoring out their “primetime” timeslots to their corporate pimps instead of protecting the glory of live sports.  And all for what?!  So far it’s been pretty hit or miss with the advertisements.  The P&G “Best Job” spot makes us thrown up in our mouths every time; whereas the Cadillac ATS commercial with those two douchebags bombing around back roads the world over makes us want to, well, buy a Cadallic and be d-bags.  We’ve gotten the usual McDonald’s and Coca-Cola non-sense (how many of these Olympians not named Michael Phelps are slamming Big Macs and 44 oz Cokes?!)  And speaking of Phelps, Visa might want to do themselves a favor and pull those “lightning strikes twice” ads.  Not going to happen. #TeamLochte!  We’ve got to give props to Sears of all companies, (yeah, we didn’t know they were still in business either) for producing a funny ad with two beach frolickers that run into a fridge.  Not bad.  But the ad that takes down the ‘Gold’ is none other than Nike’s “Find Your Greatness”.  Nike scores big without using any of their million-dollar spokesmen (how often does that happen?)!  So much to love about this commercial though:   the muslin women’s soccer team; the pogo stick front flip; the little dude at the end fighting with himself before he finally takes the plunge off the high dive platform.  But the icing on the cake of this commercial is the Beastmode-esque stiff-arm at the 00:14 mark.  Boom!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_hEzW1WRFTg

2012 Top 10 Fantasy Ks

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Ok, if you’re reading our Top 10 Fantasy Kickers list, one of the following statements is true:  (i) you’re a degenerate gambler (the Machine prefers “sports enthusiast”); (ii) you’re a family member of an NFL kicker, or (iii) you’re really into all things fantasy (saving up for Comic Con 2013 baby!).  Whatever your reason, the Machine likes it.  In fact, we know you’re reading this because drafting the right kicker matters.  Sure, a run on kickers usually starts in round 16 (of 16).  However, did you know the difference between the #1 scoring kicker last year (David Akers) and the #10 scoring kicker (Jason Hanson) was 51 pts, which equals to more than 3 pts each week (how many games did you lose by less than three points last year?).  That’s some knowledge you need to know.  Now, what you need to know is who the right kicker is.  We got you covered for that.  (FGM/FGA/50+/PAT).

1. Sebastian Janikowski (31/35/7/36).  Al may have been crazy for drafting him in the first round (17th overall) of the 2000 Draft, but come on, was there any doubt he’d be a Raider.  We love Seabass.  What’s not to love about a 6’2” 250 lb kicker that drinks vodka for breakfast, loves to get in bar fights, and oh yeah, can kick the ball out of the stadium.  Dude’s got a left foot of gold.  He’s especially gold in leagues that give bonus points for 50+ yarders.  Seabass tied for the league lead with 7 (out of 10) 50+ yarders, including a 63 yard bomb.  He was also consistent…he only missed one FG under 50 yards.  In 2012, da Raiders should have a more potent offense , which equates to more field goals and PATs.  Kick some ass Seabass!

2. Rob Bironas (29/32/6/34).  Rob nailed 6 of 7 50+ yarders last year, and only missed 3 FGs.  We like the Titans to be able to move the ball a little better in 2012, but not that much better where they’ll be scoring a ton more touchdowns.  Look for the offense to breakdown in the red zone, as teams put 11 in the box and force Locker to throw (they’ll still run CJ on 3rd and 6).  This translates into more FG opportunities for Rob.

3.  Stephen Gostowski (28/33/1/59).  While only making one FG longer than 50 yards, and missing 5 FGs overall, Gostowski made it up with 59 PATs.  The Pats will continue to score in 2012 at will, so look for Gostowski to maintain solid numbers.

4.  Robbie Gould (28/32/6/37).  Robbie was a perfect 6 for 6 from 50+.  That’s impressive, especially playing in the Windy City.  Da Bears should have no problems moving the ball, and Robbie should have no problems cracking the Top 5 in points.

5.  Dan Bailey (32/37/2/39).  As an undrafted rookie, Bailey came out of nowhere, nailing 32 FGs for the Cowboys.  He showed he can hang with the big boys.  The Machine likes youthful exuberance, and this 24 year old’s got a ton of it.  We also like the Cowboys offense, which should give Bailey plenty of opportunities to prove he’s worthy of a Top 5 pick.

6.  Mason Crosby (24/28/3/68).  Mason needs to get his attempts up, but that’s hard to do when the Pack score touchdowns all the time.  He easily led the league with 68 PATs, and the Pack’s offense should be just as potent.  Mason will always be in a position to score.

7.  David Akers (44/52/7/34).  Akers led all kickers last year in points, by a sizeable margin.  Why then, does the Machine have him 7th overall?  Well, for starters, kickers never repeat as league leaders.  And, if you’re David Akers, you had the best year of your career, by far.  He made 44 FGs last year, which covers up the fact that he missed 8 FGs.  His previous career highs was 33.  He also turns 38 this year, which we know is young for a kicker, but still.  Even if last year was a fluke, with the greatest game-manager of all time at the helm (that’s not a compliment), Akers will get plenty of opportunities.  Just don’t be surprised if his numbers are a little south of where he was in 2011.  Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

8.  Neil Rackers (32/38/4/39). Playing with Houston last year, Rackers had a good season, finishing as the #8 kicker overall.  He can still nail it from downtown (4 of 5 from 50+).  Now with Washington and RGIII, look for Neil to put up similar numbers this year.

9.  Jason Hanson (24/29/5/54).  At the opposite end of the youth scale, Hanson just turned 42!.  He was drafted in 1992, you remember 1992, right?  The Colts took Steve Emtman #1 overall, and the Machine was an extremely awkward teenager.  Holy shit that was a long time ago.  Anyway, that 42 year old leg still has some juice, nailing 5 of 7 from 50+ yards.  Playing in a dome with a high-powered offense will help grandpa stay in the Top 10 for another year.

10.  Matt Bryant (27/29/2/45).  When in doubt, go with a dome kicker.  Although it makes absolutely zero sense why there’s a dome in Atlanta, Bryant’s not complaining.  Although he only took 2 50 yarders, he made them both, and only missed 2 FGs all year.