Melky Cabrera
The Machine was all ready to crown Chad Johnson our Tuesday Teabag award winner (seriously bro, who keeps the receipt from the grocery store, especially when said receipt lists a box of Magnums that clearly aren’t intended for your wife?). But congrats Chad, there’s some good news coming your way. Sure, you’ve been publicly humiliated, your football career is over, and your wife is divorcing you, but there’s always someone worse off than you. It’s the Jerry Springer theory (just watch some Springer repeats and you’ll feel better in no time).
Who’s having a worse week than Ocho-crazy? Melky Cabrera. When word first hit that Melky tested positive for PEDs, this barely registered on The Machine’s radar. A professional athlete on steroids? Big deal. The Machine actually gave Melky some credit when he stepped up and took full blame, instead of the usual “it was a prescription for ADHD or a sinus infection.” However, when word hit that Melky was involved in a website and fictitious supplement, well now you have our attention.
As the story goes, Melky and his associates, apparently after watching an Oceans 13 marathon, came up with an elaborate ruse to fool the MLB. They created a website selling a fake supplement, and that was somehow going to get the Melkman off the hook. There’re about as many layers to this plan as the Davinci Code (seriously, The Machine, surrounded in a cloud of smoke on the third floor of his fraternity house with Bob Marley blaring, devised better hoaxes in college). Of course you were going to get busted. There’s not enough weed to go around to think that plan was going to work.
The cover-up is always worse than the crime. But you’ve gone one step further (and believe me, it’s a big step further). You attempted to lie your way out by fabricating evidence. This is a direct attack to the MLB drug testing system. From now on, any athlete who asserts innocence will be doubted. In order to erase all doubt, the testing policy must be revised to make public the substance that resulted in the positive test. This would remove from the equation the Adderall excuse if we knew you tested positive for Stanozolol and horse urine. Not surprisingly, the MLBPA is vehemently against any public disclosure (shocker).
Melky…don’t worry, it’s not all bad. It could be worse (think Springer). Consider yourself lucky for trying this dumbass move in the MLB. Can you imagine what the NFL would do if you tried to pull that shit on Goodell? RGI would waterboard the shit out of you and beat your associates senseless. Be thankful that your Commissioner really doesn’t give a shit about the integrity of his sport. Also, be thankful for the Tuesday Teabag.