Tuesday Teabag, August 7

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Michael Jerome Irvin, all 6’-2”, 207 lbs. (or, as “The Playmaker” prefers, 94 kilos) come on down, you’re this weeks Teabag Award Winner!  Once you get past the incoherent drivel and nonsensical jawing, every time the ol’ playmaker opens his mouth a few doozies come rolling off the tongue.

Gem #1: Vince-who?!

Apparently the Boston Heralds Sport section was a little thin, so they gave Mike a call and kept the recorder rolling.  On the subject of the Super Bowl, Irvin opined, “Maaaan, if it was up to me, that trophy would be called the Lombardi-Belichick.  I don’t care what they think.  That’s how good he is to do what he’s doing in this day and age, what the league is now.”  Irvin is currently an analyst for the NFL Network (why?) so one would reason that he has access to all sorts of historical databases and statistical comparisons.  So he probably put that stellar University of Miami education to good use and did some research before making such a claim, right?!  Wrong!

Just for shits and giggles, The Machine took a closer look at the numbers. Vince Lombardi was 2-0 in Super Bowls and had a career 74% regular season win percentage; His Green Bay Packers also won 6 (pre-Super Bowl) NFL Championships.  He helped pioneer the NFL in the early days and is considered the benchmark for coaching excellence.    The Hoodie sports a 3-2 Super Bowl Record and a 64% regular season win percentage.  Oh, he was also caught cheating red-handed by the NFL in the Spygate Scandal and only escaped with relative ease because of a massive NFL cover-up (seriously, a formal complaint was made; evidence gathered; a ruling administered; evidence fully destroyed and a formal apology made in the span of 4 days!!).  It hardly seems fitting that these two be considered equals.  It’s the equivalent of renaming baseballs top pitching award to the Cy-Young- Mike Mussina Award.

The Machine certainly isn’t advocating a name change, but if we were going to add a second name to the hallow Lombardi Trophy we’d probably go with Chuck Knoll (4-0 Super Bowl record), or Bill Walsh (3-0), or Don Shula (2 Super Bowl wins, 1 NFL Championship, most NFL wins).  Hell, if part of Irvin’s criteria is coaching in the modern era (which in Irvin’s coke induced mind must be anytime after ’99) then why not Tom Coughlin (2-0, with both wins coming AGAINST Belichick)?!

Gem #2….88 as crazy as ever 

Michael Irvin, the former crazy #88 WR for the Dallas Cowboys recently spoke of his disappointment for the current crazy #88 WR for the Dallas Cowboys, Dez Bryant.  Dez’s rap sheet has been well documented here.  His latest stunt, a fore-arm shiver upside his mothers dome made Irvins “heart bleed”.  Are you sure that’s not just a residual from burning rocks, 88?  Anyways, Irvin told ESPN Dallas that, “this is uncharted waters. I like to speak out of my spirit on a lot of things, both the highs and the lows, the peaks and the valleys I’ve experienced,” Irvin said. “But this is out of the world for me. I’ve never laid my hands on any woman, let alone talk about the No. 1 woman in any man’s life, which should be his mother.”  See, technically Mike never did lay hands on a woman because he had Eric Williams pointing a gun to their head while he videotaped his deeds….allegedly.  Old Jerrah might want to get his dick out of his newly minted billion dollar glory hole and hire a team physiatrist; because Michael Irvin thinking you’ve gone too far is like the Uni-Bomber accusing someone of mail fraud.

Michael, we know that you’ve got 750 career receptions (which truthfully means that there were 750 blown offensive pass interference calls), but could you please just snort away the rest of your fortune in your own time?!

2012 Top 10 Fantasy DEFs

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Not sure about you, but this over saturation of synchronized diving, ballet dancing and gymnastics has the Machine just itching for some football.  We’d take Pro-Bowl effort football at this point.  (Side note: The Machine confused the frolicking, spinning, and overall concerted effort that the synchronized divers put into getting from the pool to the hot tub as ballet dancing.  Is this the Summer Olympics or a bad episode of ‘Blind Date’)?  Anyways, our final ‘Top 10’ fantasy ranking is Defense. You know, D-[insert picture of picket fence here].  We’ll be updating the lists as training camps, preseason and Bryant Family BBQ’s wrap up this summer.

Defenses certainly don’t win fantasy championships.  Last year, the difference between the #1 (Chicago) and #10 (Philly) defense was 31 points, just under 2 points a week.  However, the difference between Philly and #20 (Dallas) was another 24 points.  You definitely want to identify the top 6 or 7 fantasy defenses and get one of them as late in the draft as possible.  It’s also worth pointing out that a fantasy defense hasn’t repeated at the number one overall spot in a decade.  A number of factors contribute to this trend: first, significant fantasy scoring stats such as fumbles (recovered), interceptions and special team touchdowns are as reliable as the transmission in a ’91 Dodge Daytona.  Secondly, the current rules of the NFL have all but abolished the days of the ‘dominate’ defense.  The Machines approach to evaluating defenses is simple:  give us a defense that can consistently put pressure on the opposing teams quarterback.  This yields the most potential for sacks and mistakes (ie interceptions, fumbles, etc.).  With that in mind we present the Top 10 Fantasy Defenses for 2012:

  1. San Francisco – Feeding off of Patrick Willis’s intensity, this defense brings the lumber every game.  Aldon Smith is a pass-rushing phenom.  This defense finished 4th last year while only scoring 1 TD! If a few more balls bounce their way look out.
  1. New York Giants – The G-men boast the deepest, most talented defensive line in football, just ask Tom Brady.  JPP has the chance to win multiple defensive MVP awards if he stays healthy.
  1. Green Bay Packers – This defense will get plenty off opportunities to pin their ears back and rush the passer.  Their first six selections in the draft were defensive players; Nick Perry and Jerel Worthy should be able to contribute right away.  Their secondary has a few playmakers that are willing to gamble for the big payoff.  It looks like a great year to buy into the GB DEF.
  1. Philadelphia Eagles – They added some nice pieces via free agency, trades and the draft.  Their defensive line is dynamic, if not undersized, and built to attack the quarterback.  At this point the only thing this defense is missing is a legitimate coordinator.  While we have zero faith in Castillo, even he’d be hard pressed not to have success with this defense…(again)
  1. Chicago Bears – Da Bears!  Their defense always seems to translate well into the fantasy realm.  They seem to have the uncanny ability to turn turnovers into touchdowns.  Oh, and it doesn’t hurt to have the best punter returner in history.
  1. Buffalo Bills – We’re drinking the Kool-Aid that this defensive line is going to wreak havoc.  It’s been quite a long time since the Bills were known for getting after the QB, so this could be a very fun group to watch.  They also have some young and talented secondary players in Bryd, A. Williams and rookie S. Gilmore (who will challenge Revis for the best corner in the conference within two years!)
  1. Houston Texans – Wade Phillips’ defenses are tried and true.  They generate sacks and interceptions.  Even with some big time free agency departures they have a talented front-seven.
  1. Detroit Lions – This defense will stomp on your face, literally.  While The Machine is nervous that the Lions might not be able to field an entire squad at their current arrest rate, what has us even more uneasy is the fact that they scored 7 DTDs last year.  We don’t like their chances of hitting that number again this year.
  1. Baltimore Ravens – Oh how the mighty have fallen.  It’s hard to back a team with so many aging veterans (R. Lewis, E. Reed) and that lost their best (player) pass-rusher in T. Sizzle Suggs.  We’d rather be a year too early jumping off this wagon than a year too late.
  1. Seattle Seahawks – Here is a defense that flies under the radar.  They finished 6th overall last year (8.3 fpt/gm).  Sure, it helps when you play six games against Sam Bradford/Kevin Kolb/Alex Smith, but this defense deserves some credit.  They did everything well and have an under rated secondary.  Earl Thomas is one of the best young safeties in the league.

Tuesday Teabag, July 31

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Olympic Gymnastic Parents

The Machine can’t help but be in awe when watching gymnastics (yes, the Machine has Olympic fever).  Whether it’s the men or women, what they do is simply unreal.  However, as impressive as these athletes are, there’s a little secret that’s bubbling to the surface during the Olympics:  their parents are crazy.  I mean bat shit crazy.  Take every article you’ve read about soccer moms fighting in the stands, dads getting thrown out of little league games (the Machine can’t wait to get tossed from his sons’ baseball games when they get older, btw), and throw it away.  Move aside, overbearing suburban parents, there’s a new crazy in town, and they’re on full display in London.  Anyone see the dad trying to get the crowd to join in his rhythmic clapping?  How about the parents having seizure-like convulsions in the stands during their kid’s routine?  We did.  After watching 2 days of gymnastics (our fever is starting to break) you have to ask yourself:  how many of these kids were pushed into gymnastics by domineering, highly critical, super intense parents?  Our answer:  100%.  Christ, John Orozco is from the Bronx.  How many kids in the Bronx—on their own—decide, “hmm, I think I’ll take up the pommel horse.”  Exactly.

Hey, we’re all about being proud of our kids.  Kevin Durant’s parents at Thunder games?  Heart-warming.  America’s newest sweetheart’s, Missy Franklin’s, parents at the swim meet?  Adorable.  But these parents drive straight past adorable to creepy.  Their screams pierce the arena, and their movements and actions scream “look at me” and “you’ve practiced this routine 8,000 times, I know because I uprooted our family and drove you to all your practices since you were 3 years old, so don’t mess it up for us, I mean me.”  These kids are treated like collectable dolls (well, they are doll-like in stature).  This isn’t Toddlers and Tiaras, although we get the vibe it’s a lot closer than it should be.

Listen up Olympic Gymnastic Parents, and listen good:  Your children, impressive athletes as they are, are relevant for about 15 minutes every four years (given the men’s epic collapse in the all-around, you can cut that down to about 5).  We get that you’re into it, that you’re excited to watch your kids compete at the Olympic level.  However, your excitement shows the worst in modern day parenting:  fanaticism.  You’ve sacrificed a normal childhood for a slavish devotion to gymnastics.  Fine, but tone down the antics.  The Olympics should be about the pure joy of sport, yet, when we see a gymnast nail the uneven bars, we don’t see joy.  We see relief.  Then, we see Ma and Pa Crazy Pants in the stands, and it all makes sense.

Congrats on the Tuesday Teabag award, Olympic Gymnastic Parents.  The way things are shaping up in London, it may be the only award you come home with.

You can’t kill the Metal!

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The Machine has already explained our disgust (here) with NBC and IOC for whoring out their “primetime” timeslots to their corporate pimps instead of protecting the glory of live sports.  And all for what?!  So far it’s been pretty hit or miss with the advertisements.  The P&G “Best Job” spot makes us thrown up in our mouths every time; whereas the Cadillac ATS commercial with those two douchebags bombing around back roads the world over makes us want to, well, buy a Cadallic and be d-bags.  We’ve gotten the usual McDonald’s and Coca-Cola non-sense (how many of these Olympians not named Michael Phelps are slamming Big Macs and 44 oz Cokes?!)  And speaking of Phelps, Visa might want to do themselves a favor and pull those “lightning strikes twice” ads.  Not going to happen. #TeamLochte!  We’ve got to give props to Sears of all companies, (yeah, we didn’t know they were still in business either) for producing a funny ad with two beach frolickers that run into a fridge.  Not bad.  But the ad that takes down the ‘Gold’ is none other than Nike’s “Find Your Greatness”.  Nike scores big without using any of their million-dollar spokesmen (how often does that happen?)!  So much to love about this commercial though:   the muslin women’s soccer team; the pogo stick front flip; the little dude at the end fighting with himself before he finally takes the plunge off the high dive platform.  But the icing on the cake of this commercial is the Beastmode-esque stiff-arm at the 00:14 mark.  Boom!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_hEzW1WRFTg

2012 Top 10 Fantasy Ks

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Ok, if you’re reading our Top 10 Fantasy Kickers list, one of the following statements is true:  (i) you’re a degenerate gambler (the Machine prefers “sports enthusiast”); (ii) you’re a family member of an NFL kicker, or (iii) you’re really into all things fantasy (saving up for Comic Con 2013 baby!).  Whatever your reason, the Machine likes it.  In fact, we know you’re reading this because drafting the right kicker matters.  Sure, a run on kickers usually starts in round 16 (of 16).  However, did you know the difference between the #1 scoring kicker last year (David Akers) and the #10 scoring kicker (Jason Hanson) was 51 pts, which equals to more than 3 pts each week (how many games did you lose by less than three points last year?).  That’s some knowledge you need to know.  Now, what you need to know is who the right kicker is.  We got you covered for that.  (FGM/FGA/50+/PAT).

1. Sebastian Janikowski (31/35/7/36).  Al may have been crazy for drafting him in the first round (17th overall) of the 2000 Draft, but come on, was there any doubt he’d be a Raider.  We love Seabass.  What’s not to love about a 6’2” 250 lb kicker that drinks vodka for breakfast, loves to get in bar fights, and oh yeah, can kick the ball out of the stadium.  Dude’s got a left foot of gold.  He’s especially gold in leagues that give bonus points for 50+ yarders.  Seabass tied for the league lead with 7 (out of 10) 50+ yarders, including a 63 yard bomb.  He was also consistent…he only missed one FG under 50 yards.  In 2012, da Raiders should have a more potent offense , which equates to more field goals and PATs.  Kick some ass Seabass!

2. Rob Bironas (29/32/6/34).  Rob nailed 6 of 7 50+ yarders last year, and only missed 3 FGs.  We like the Titans to be able to move the ball a little better in 2012, but not that much better where they’ll be scoring a ton more touchdowns.  Look for the offense to breakdown in the red zone, as teams put 11 in the box and force Locker to throw (they’ll still run CJ on 3rd and 6).  This translates into more FG opportunities for Rob.

3.  Stephen Gostowski (28/33/1/59).  While only making one FG longer than 50 yards, and missing 5 FGs overall, Gostowski made it up with 59 PATs.  The Pats will continue to score in 2012 at will, so look for Gostowski to maintain solid numbers.

4.  Robbie Gould (28/32/6/37).  Robbie was a perfect 6 for 6 from 50+.  That’s impressive, especially playing in the Windy City.  Da Bears should have no problems moving the ball, and Robbie should have no problems cracking the Top 5 in points.

5.  Dan Bailey (32/37/2/39).  As an undrafted rookie, Bailey came out of nowhere, nailing 32 FGs for the Cowboys.  He showed he can hang with the big boys.  The Machine likes youthful exuberance, and this 24 year old’s got a ton of it.  We also like the Cowboys offense, which should give Bailey plenty of opportunities to prove he’s worthy of a Top 5 pick.

6.  Mason Crosby (24/28/3/68).  Mason needs to get his attempts up, but that’s hard to do when the Pack score touchdowns all the time.  He easily led the league with 68 PATs, and the Pack’s offense should be just as potent.  Mason will always be in a position to score.

7.  David Akers (44/52/7/34).  Akers led all kickers last year in points, by a sizeable margin.  Why then, does the Machine have him 7th overall?  Well, for starters, kickers never repeat as league leaders.  And, if you’re David Akers, you had the best year of your career, by far.  He made 44 FGs last year, which covers up the fact that he missed 8 FGs.  His previous career highs was 33.  He also turns 38 this year, which we know is young for a kicker, but still.  Even if last year was a fluke, with the greatest game-manager of all time at the helm (that’s not a compliment), Akers will get plenty of opportunities.  Just don’t be surprised if his numbers are a little south of where he was in 2011.  Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

8.  Neil Rackers (32/38/4/39). Playing with Houston last year, Rackers had a good season, finishing as the #8 kicker overall.  He can still nail it from downtown (4 of 5 from 50+).  Now with Washington and RGIII, look for Neil to put up similar numbers this year.

9.  Jason Hanson (24/29/5/54).  At the opposite end of the youth scale, Hanson just turned 42!.  He was drafted in 1992, you remember 1992, right?  The Colts took Steve Emtman #1 overall, and the Machine was an extremely awkward teenager.  Holy shit that was a long time ago.  Anyway, that 42 year old leg still has some juice, nailing 5 of 7 from 50+ yards.  Playing in a dome with a high-powered offense will help grandpa stay in the Top 10 for another year.

10.  Matt Bryant (27/29/2/45).  When in doubt, go with a dome kicker.  Although it makes absolutely zero sense why there’s a dome in Atlanta, Bryant’s not complaining.  Although he only took 2 50 yarders, he made them both, and only missed 2 FGs all year.

Skeet Skeet Skeet Skeet!

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That’s right.  Kimberly Rhode, your 2012 Olympic Women’s Skeet shooting champion.  K-Rhode hit a world record tying 99 out of 100 targets.  The Machine doesn’t know much about the sport of skeet shooting (quite frankly, white chicks with guns scare us), but we do know how to skeet, thanks to Lil’ Jon.   Seriously, they should, for one time, replace the playing of the anthem with some Get Low.  “To all skeet skeet motherfuckers, to all skeet skeet god damn!”*  Congrats Kimberly!

*For those not familiar with Lil’ Jon and skeeting, first, shame on you.  Second, go listen to Get Low.  Third, go to urbandictionary.com and look up “skeet”.  Then, re-read this post.

Tape delayed, are you f’ing kidding me!?!

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Ok, it’s taken the Machine all of 6 hours of Olympic coverage to be annoyed (although, the Spain/South Korea Women’s Handball Prelim was pretty sick).  Seriously, the Machine’s all pumped to watch the Phelps/Lochte throwdownn tonight, but guess what, the Machine has an internet connection and that shit happened 5 hours ago!  Yeah, we know who won.  It’s not like the live event was at 4:00 am EST (note: the Machine generally has an east coast bias with sports, people, and life, so everything is measured by EST), the live event was at 2:30 pm!!!  Show that shit live NBC!  That’s what the Olympics are all about…getting to see your country’s heroes compete against the world as it unfolds.  Instead, let’s be honest, the Olympics have never been about the honor of sports and competition, at least, not since that shit’s been on TV.  Now, it’s all about the Benjamins baby.  It’s more important to show the events people want to see in primetime, because primetime = higher ad revenues, which = more $$$ to NBC and the IOC.  If the IOC had the balls, they would demand that ALL EVENTS BE SHOWN LIVE.  Pretty simple rule, right?  But no, what we’ll get live is air rifle, badminton, and cycling.  The events we really want to see (Dream Team 2.0, Phelps/Lochte, 100m dash) will be shown tape-delayed, all so they can be in primetime and generate more dollars.  On the flip side, we do get more couch time with Bob Costas, so I guess it’s not all bad…

Look, we get it.  We understand capitalism and all its beauty.  But there comes a point.  And that point is ruining the sanctity of the Olympics (ok, that may be overreaching, the Machine just wants to see shit live).  Now, all the important events will be ruined because the results will be streamed live on the internet, to your smartphones, and you know some asshole at the check out counter will say “hey Lochte beat Phelps in the 400m Individual Medley.”  Thanks asshole.

Opening Ceremony = SNOOZE FEST!!!

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Sorry Bob Costas, but try as you might, that opening ceremony was uninspiring, weird, and boring as shit, which pretty much sums up the Brits.  Even though the Queen had a cameo role with James Bond, who is pretty badass (the Machine is fond of fictional Brits), her Royal Sourpuss never cracked a smile, and looked about as enthused as a colonoscopy patient.  Sorry Queenie, you’re showcasing your country to the world, you’re supposed to put on a smile and show the global community the cultural depth of your society.  Instead, we get an opening ceremony prominently featured with Mr. Bean.  Seriously, Mr. Freaking Bean.  We would’ve accepted Bennie Hill chasing around a sexy nurse in a golf cart.  How about some Monty Python?  A hologram Freddy Mercury?  Hell, we’ll even take the Spice Girls.  But no, we get a continuous dribble of dull, dry, and unexciting British pomp and circumstance (filthy wankers).

And don’t even get the Machine started with that lame-ass torch lighting (don’t worry Barcelona, your place in history as the Greatest.  Torch Lighting Ceremony.  Ever. is still firmly in tact).  Clearly, the IOC didn’t bother to read any of the Machine’s letters with our numerous torch lighting suggestions.  We’ll share two with you (the others have already been forwarded to Rio).

1.  Iron Maiden.  With Number of the Beast blaring, Bruce Dickenson walks into Olympic Stadium with his guitar on fire!  The field opens up, and Eddie emerges!!! Bruce throws the guitar at Eddie, who bursts into flames, and boom, EDDIE’S THE TORCH, everyone in the world community are now huge Maiden fans, and all children under the age of 10 in are scared shitless.

2.  Pippa.  What better way to light the torch than with Pippa? (honestly, the Amy Winehouse crack pipe would’ve been a huge hit…but someone had to go and ruin that one).  Anyway, picture this:  Pippa goes all Katniss Everdeen, and waltzes into Olympic Stadium with her dress on fire!  Pippa jumps into the ring of fire, sets the torch ablaze, rips off her clothes and proclaims her love for the Machine (ok, that last part may have been mixed up with a reoccuring dream of the Machine).

Point is:  mix it up a little Britain.  Trade in your tea and crumpets for a Vodka/Red Bull and let’s get the party started.  And come on, we’re your friends America.  We got your back.  In fact, we’ll send over our finest ambassadors to make sure the party never ends (paging Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan).

2012 Top 10 Fantasy WRs

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None of the positional group rankings have as clear-cut, unanimous number one as the wide receivers; enter Calvin Johnson.  MegaTron brought his talents to Mo’Town to the tune of 1600+ yards and 16 TDs (MVP type numbers for a WR) and many, many fantasy championships last year.  After MegaTron however it gets really interesting.  In both the real world and fantasyland, wide receivers are the most volatile skill position in the league.  Their success, as much as any position, is tied to a number of factors: offensive scheme, game-plan, quarterback, offensive line protection, etc.  Not only that, with the increasing number of 4 and 5 WR sets, more and more WRs are contributing (and becoming fantasy relevant).  Fortunately for you, The Machine is here to make sense of it all and tell you who will be the Top 10 WRs for 2012.  Getcha popcorn ready! (Rec/Yards/Rec TDs/Targets)

  1. Calvin Johnson (96/1681/16/157) – The easiest positional player to rank in 2012; Megatron has established himself as the most dominate wide-receiver in football.  You can’t play up on him because he’s so physically strong he’ll run through you.  You can’t play off of him because he’ll run right by you.   He is a deep-threat and an absolute BEAST in the redzone. Your only chance is to roll coverage to his side of the field or assign two DBs to him.  And even then he can out-run, out-muscle, out-jump and outreach (82” wingspan) your coverage.  A signature Calvin Johnson play was Week 4 vs. Dallas. Early in the 4th quarter, with the Lions down by 14, on a 1st-and-10 from the Cowboys 24 yard line, Stafford throws a “jump ball” to the back of the end zone and with a safety draped all over him, ‘Tron out jumps a corner and an underneath linebacker for a TD.  Simply incredible.  Not only that, Megatron saved some of his best work for the playoff push, averaging 26+ fantasy points (non-ppr) from weeks 14-17.  Unless a team shows up with Optimus Prime as the defensive coordinator, there is no stopping Megatron. (Sorry, that will be The Machines only corny Transformers joke when it comes to Calvin, promise).
  1. Andre Johnson (33/492/2/51) – God willing, ‘Dre will be on every single one of The Machines fantasy rosters this year.  He is an absolute match-up nightmare and is coming at somewhat of a discount due to the what-have-you-done-for-me-lately attitude that plaques so many fantasy owners.  AJs injury was a complete fluke last year.  Not only that, he rehabbed to the point where he dropped (13/201/2) in two playoff games last year…and that was with TJ Yates at the helm!  We’re not doctors (even though we proudly own a t-shirt that reads ‘Free Breast Exams’) or physiatrists for that matter, but The Machine has pretty strong intel suggesting AJ is completely healthy and motivated to prove he is still elite.  He’s got the talent, a steady offensive system, an adequate enough QB to translate into a 1300yrd/9TD season.  Get him!
  1. Larry Fitzgerald (80/1411/8/152) – Meet Mr. Reliable.  It doesn’t matter how shitty of a QB Whizz marches out there – Kevin Kolb, John Skelton, Richard Bartel – Fitz continues to put up numbers.  The Machine doesn’t buy into the “he’s the hardest working man in football” routine; listen if somebody paid us $10M a year to catch footballs we’d work our asses off too!  But we can appreciate that Fitz’s conditioning is legendary and he has stayed relatively injury free.  Larry’s fantasy floor is incredibility high; however his QB (or lack there of) prevents his ceiling from reaching the top rank.  Draft Fitz with confidence, just try not to watch the boxscore, or let alone a Cardinals game if you don’t have to.
  1. Greg Jennings (67/949/9/101) – Yes, we will take a piece of that Aaron Rodger pie thank you.  Okay, so that sounded really gay, but the point is that Jennings is tied to the best offense, the best quarterback and the best play-caller in football these days and that more than makes up for his lack of elite talent. Jennings is a smooth route runner and has the full trust of Rodgers.  Plus, the Packers can’t run the ball for a lick.
  1. Hakeem Nicks (75/1183/7/129) – Most people will tell you that ranking Hakeem Nicks at #5 is too high.  Well, most people don’t win fantasy championships either.  Nicks is an absolute monster.  We’ve already confessed our man-crush on Brother Eli; and Nicks is on the receiving end of most of those Manning fire balls.  The Machine isn’t going to second guess Jerry Reese’s eye for talent.  He knew he had a stud in the making when he drafted him, and this will be Nicks “breakout” year.  Barring a setback from his rehab (on track for preseason), The Machine fully expects an 85/1300/10 type of season.  You’re welcome.
  1. Julio Jones (54/959/8/94) – If you’re starting a keeper league this year there are three must-have players: Cam Newton, Trent Richardson and Julio Jones.  Jones is as physically gifted as they come.  Consider this: had Julio returned for his senior season (and had the type of season he is capable of) the Rams probably stay put and take him #2 overall in the 2012 draft.  He is that good.   Admittedly, he is a bit rough as a route runner, but he bursting with raw potential.  The Machine strongly feels he could have a TO-type impact (minus all the baggage) on the football field.
  1. AJ Green (65/1057/7/112) – Speaking of the 2011 draft class, Green was selected two picks before Jones, but he ranks just behind Julio on our list.  We absolutely love the talent, skill set, route-running, catch-radius and potential to put up big time numbers.  Green will be a dominate force for years to come.  At this point in time, however, the Bungals offense isn’t as far along as Atlanta’s, and defenses will be keying on taking away Green.  They won’t have much success.  Plus, he has the ultra-reliable, dependable, cannon-armed, gun-slingin, good-looking Big Red Icon, Andy Dalton slinging him the rock, what’s not to love about that?! (We take care of our own!).
  1. Wes Welker (122/1569/9/173) – This little shit never stops.  It seems like he’s targeted 29 times a game and catches everything (except during Super Bowl defining final drives that is).  He is an integral part of the New England Offensive Machine, and there is no reason to think he won’t catch 100 balls.  The touchdowns may be down a tick with Lloyd in town and their two-headed TE monster doing their thing, but you can always seem to pencil him in for 7 catches a game and solid yardage totals.
  1. Roddy White (100/1296/8/178) – Roddy Roddy Roddy!  It speaks volumes to the depth of the receiver position this year when you have a guy that is coming off back-to-back 100+ catch (and 178 target) seasons as your #9 receiver.  As it sits now, The Machine just can’t get over the potential (and youth/stud factor) of the guys ranked above Roddy.  We would certainly have no qualms with Roddy as a WR1 on our squads this year, as Matty Ice and he have as strong a connection as any QB-WR combo in the league.  But there could be a slight regression in his numbers as the offense (and Julio Jones) evolves.
  1. Percy Harvin (87/967/6/119) – Percy, bro, you’re not going anywhere.  With AP nicked up you are the only juice that offense has left!  The Machine loves versatile players that play angry and have imaginary headaches to get out of practices; and guess who fits that description?  Ding, ding, ding.  Percy is a jack-of-all trades, master of most! To go along with the listed stats, Percy also had 520 return yards, 1 return TD, 345 rushing yards (on 52 attempts) and 2 rushing TDs.  It certainly took offensive coordinator Bill Musgrave long enough to figure out how to utilize Harvin; he only had 43 targets in the first half of the season compared to 76 in the second half.  With AP on the mend, the “migraines” under control and the O-coordinator on board, it could be a monster season for Harvin.

Tuesday Teabag, July 24th

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Larry Johnson did help The Machine win a fantasy championship, so it’s not all bad.

(note:  before reading, insert your Twister Sister Stay Hungry tape, Side A, Song 3, Burn in Hell).  Enjoy.

Sure, they may have taken a hundred wins from you, but congratulations Joe Pa, you’ve won your first Tuesday Teabag Award, posthumous!  Sure, The Machine generally frowns upon speaking badly about the dead (on the contrary, our Dick Clark celebrity death pool celebration may have been a bit over the top), but you sir deserve every piece of dribble and trash coming your way!  So, fuck you!  You gainfully employed a KNOWN pedophile and covered for the creep while he destroyed so many young lives, just so you could protect your bullshit football program!  Then you negotiated your golden parachute just as the scandal was breaking!  And the best you could give us was Todd Blackledge, Courtney Brown and Ki-Jana Carter?!  Thanks Joe!

The only thing more sickening than this whole story is the fact that NOTHING will actually change in the cultural fabric of college football.  Really, this travesty could have happened at any of the big college football programs:  Alabama, Florida, Ohio State, Notre Dame (oh wait, ND is a religious institution steeped in the Catholic faith, a sex scandal involving little boys….err); take your pick.  Big time college football equals big time money.  The greed and lust of these major universities is more important than morality, reasonability, education, and apparently even sexual crimes against children.  If Mark Emmert really wanted to drop the proverbal hammer he should have cancelled ALL NCAA Football for a year.  But he didn’t.  So instead we are left to pile on you, Joe Pa, and all of your bullshit supporters.  That includes you Lou Holtz.  You were well on your way to losing all credibility with your shitty ESPN College Gameday coverage.  Those “coaches’ corner” segments are brutal (seriously ESPN, just tell him the camera’s on, he won’t know the difference).  But with your recent comments that the penalty was too harsh, and the NCAA is destroying Joe Pa’s legacy, you stepped over the line old man.  You’re absolutely what everyone hates about college football right now:  protecting the coaching fraternity above all else.

But enough about Lou, let’s get back to the Machine’s first ever Tuesday Teabag winner.  Joe Pa, you built a 40+ year career preaching honor, discipline, and integrity.  How could you possibly live with yourself, and more importantly, why?  Simple:  money and ego.  The NCAA fined Penn St. $60 million, which sounds like a lot, until you realize that represents the ANNUAL revenue of the football program.  That’s all you need to know.  Joe Pa wouldn’t let anything ruin that cash cow, or tarnish his image or quest to be the all-time winningest coach.  Irony’s a bitch, huh?  Your name will always be associated with this scandal, and you will never regain your place as one of the greatest coaches of all time (sorry bro, but they don’t put statues back up after they’ve been torn down.  Just ask Saddam).  

And to State College, please stop wallowing in your ignorance; get your head out of your ass and show the rest of world that you won’t turn a blind eye to the facts, unlike Joe Pa.  The simple truth is no penalty could have been too harsh.  Burn in hell.