Wildcard Weekend – NFC (Saturday)

 

Are you ready for some (mildly entertaining) football?

Are you ready for some (mildly entertaining) football?

Hell, yes!  We’re back, and ready to take on the New Year!  Our New Year’s resolution (drink more Coors Light) is going really well.  #achievablegoals.  And the best part about the New Year??? PLAYOFF FOOTBALL!  As usual, Roid Rage will handle the AFC (just put the Pats in already, ok?) which leaves me with the crapshoot that is the NFC.

Detroit @ Seattle (-8), Saturday, 8:15 pm

This is a game of two teams heading in different directions.  Seattle is entering the playoffs on the rise.  Let’s be clear:  Russell Wilson had a down year.  He (quietly) threw for over 4,000 yards, but threw a career high in interceptions, and also had career worst QB rating and QBR.  Reasons vary for why Russell was off this year…but The Machine knows.  Once he got a taste of the high life, his concentration suffered.

Totally understandable

Totally understandable.

But none of that matters anymore.  Except the still banging my super hot wife.  That’s continues to be pretty important.  Anyway, winners of 3 of their last 5 games, Seattle seems to have gotten their old swagger back.

And then, we did it again!

Detroit, meanwhile, got into the playoffs the wrong way.  They had a chance to make their recent struggles disappear last week, with a home game against the Packers for the NFC North.  But alas, the Lions lost (at home), which capped off a disappointing 0-3 end to the season.

Detroit seems to be stuck in the same loop (sorry, I just got done binge watching Westworld).  Every three years or so they get to the playoffs, only to be summarily beaten.  Their last 7 playoff games (dating back to 1993), the Lions are a scrappy 0-7.  Mathew Stafford has played in 2 of those games, throwing for over 300 yards in both losing efforts.  Will the Lions continue in their path of one and done playoff appearances, or will they gain consciousness, take control of their lives, and re-write their story (seriously, go watch Westworld).

If only this guy were still around...

If only this guy were still around…

We’re not buying it.  Although The Machine’s already exposed the fraud that is the 12th Man, Seattle is still tough to beat at home.  They were 7-1 at home on the year, and that one loss was a last second field goal.

Glad they kept the 12th Man an organic, fan-created idea, and didn’t go all corporate.

Here’s another fun fact:  The Lions haven’t won a road playoff game since 1957.  That’s right, since the Eisenhower administration.  And that streak’s not going to end this weekend.  Eight points is a big spread to cover in the playoffs, but we like Seattle’s chances.  Maybe it’s our East Coast bias, or our general apathy for the Mid-West, but it’s tough to get excited for this matchup.  This game will rival the Raiders/Texans for least watched playoff game.

Final Score:  Seattle 27, Detroit 17

Actual footage from last Detroit Lions road playoff win.

Actual footage from last Detroit Lions road playoff win.

WILDCARD WEEKEND – AFC (SATURDAY)

nfl-wild-cardIt’s not how you start, it’s how you finish!  Welcome to the 2017 NFL Playoffs.  The kickoff game isn’t exactly get-your-popcorn-ready material.  This unwatchable match-up (which probably pulls twice the rating of the Cubs/Indians World Series Game 7) features the team that drafted Khalil Mack (Oakland Raiders) and the team that should have drafted Khalil Mack (Houston Texans).  Vegas agrees,, this game has the lowest total (37) of the weekend….but hey, it does have the smallest spread (HOU -3.5), so maybe it’ll be close?!

STAR POWER

STAR POWER

A lot of people thought the Texans were crazy when they signed Brock Osweiler to an $72 million dollar contract in the offseason…..and those people were right.  Through 15 games, “B.O.” completed under 60% of his passes, threw more picks (12) than touchdowns (11) , took 27 sacks and fumbled a handful of times.  In other words, good enough to win the AFC South!

Not surprisingly, the Texans skill players collectively turned in a down year.  Lamar Miller barely cracked a 1,000 yards; a threshold DeAndre Hopkins couldn’t even reach.  Safe to say Nuk wasn’t on many fantasy championship rosters this year.

LOL

LOL

Despite losing their best player before the season began, defense is the name of the game in Houston.  JJ Watt was too busy creating his own logo and filming Bose commercials to train in the offseason and promptly blew out his back, missing the entire season.  Ironically, if you look at his logo upside down you can kind of see an inflated ego. #hiddenmessage.  That has left the 2014 No. 1 overall pick, Jadeveon Clowney as the face of the defense.  For his career, The Clown has amassed 72 tackles, 10.5 sacks and 1 forced fumble….or what we like to call a “down year” for All-World Khalil Mack (University at Buffalo shout out).

The Texans defense ranks first in yards allowed.   Or is it last in yards allowed??  Either way, teams had trouble moving the ball for positive gains against the Texans.  I guess they can hang their oversized cowboy hats on that…..oh and the fact that they don’t have to face….

Might want to mix in a few squats to the workout routine

Might want to mix in a few squats to the workout routine, just saying.

Derek Carr was in the MVP discussions before he broke his leg in half on Christmas Eve.  Not to be outdone, backup Matt “The other Red Rifle” McGloin broke his McShoulder the following week.  To top it all off, starting Left Tackle Donald Penn has been ruled out with a knee injury.  When the Raiders move to Vegas any chance they change their logo to a black cat breaking a mirror with an upside down horseshoe under a ladder?

Soulless embrace. #14

Soulless embrace. #14

Truthfully, the McGloin injury is a blessing in disguise considering he’s 1-7 as a starter.  That’s bad, right?  The Raiders at least get to trot out the “element of surprise” in 4th round rookie Connor Cook.  The Texans are literally going to have to breakdown his college tape to game plan for him.  Have fun with that.

The 3.5 point spread makes a ton of sense.  The Raiders are going to protect Cook as much as possible (translation: run the ball) knowing that the Houston offense isn’t exactly going to blow the doors off the hinges.  Turnover machine Osweiler will see to that.  This game feels like it is going to come down to a fluky special teams play or a missed extra point.

Since I’m practically the president of the Khalil Mack fan club (is it that obvious?), my pick here may be slightly biased, but I’ll take the RAIDERS +3.5.

Final Score: Houston 24, Oakland 22

2016 FANTASY FOOTBALL RANKINGS – TEs

Get some!

Get some!

We’ve got you covered for QBs, RBs, WRs and even DEF & Kickers.  We finish with Tight Ends.  As you can see there isn’t much discrepancy between our TE ranks, because basically there is Gronk and everyone else.  Olsen, Kelce and Reed are interesting, but on average, they are only going to give you a few points per week over the likes of Fleener, Allen and Gates.  If I don’t get Gronkowski I’m fine with waiting on TE and grabbing one of the guys beyond the top 10.  and could but up big numbers in their offenses, but on a week to week basis they

2016 Rankings: Tight Ends
Composite Rage Ginger
TE1 Rob Gronkowski 1 1
TE2 Greg Olsen 2 2
TE3 Travis Kelce 4 3
TE4 Jordan Reed 3 4
TE5 Delanie Walker 5 5
TE6 Tyler Eifert 6 6
TE7 Julius Thomas 8 7
TE8 Coby Fleener 7 10
TE9 Gary Barnidge 10 8
TE10 Ladarius Green 9 11
TE11 Zach Ertz 14 9
TE12 Dwayne Allen 11 12
TE13 Antonio Gates 12 13
TE14 Jason Witten 13 14
TE15 Jimmy Graham 15 15
TE16 Martellus Bennett 17 16
TE17 Charles Clay 16 17
TE18 Eric Ebron 18 20
TE19 Kyle Rudolph 19 19
TE20 Jordan Cameron 20 23
TE23 Will Tye 22 21
TE21 Jared Cook 23 22
TE24 Austin Seferian-Jenkins 28 18
TE22 Vance McDonald 21 25
TE25 Jace Amaro 25 24
TE26 Clive Walford 26 26
TE27 Richard Rodgers 24 32
TE28 Larry Donnell 31 27
TE30 Jacob Tamme 27 31
TE31 Hunter Henry 29 29
TE29 Benjamin Watson 31 28
TE33 Brandon Pettigrew 32 30
TE32 Cameron Brate 30 33

(Note: rankings were compiled prior to the Ladarius Green “headache/retirement” rumors.  I’d avoid Green like a pregnant lady dodging mosquitoes at Copacabana).

Tight Ends

Tight Ends

 

2016 FANTASY FOOTBALL RANKINGS – DEFs & KS

And with the last pick in your draft…

2016 Rankings: Defense & Special Teams
Composite Rage Ginger
DEF1 Denver Broncos 1 2
DEF2 Seattle Seahawks 3 1
DEF3 Arizona Cardinals 2 3
DEF4 Carolina Panthers 4 5
DEF5 LA Rams 5 7
DEF6 Houston Texans 8 6
DEF7 New England Patriots 11 4
DEF8 Cincinnati Bengals 7 10
DEF9 Minnesota Vikings 6 12
DEF10 New York Jets 9 9
DEF11 Buffalo Bills 13 8
DEF12 Kansas City Chiefs 10 11
DEF13 Oakland Raiders 12 18
DEF14 Jacksonville Jaguars 14 16
DEF15 Green Bay Packers 16 14
DEF16 Pittsburgh Steelers 15 15
DEF17 New York Giants 20 13
DEF18 Baltimore Ravens 18 17
DEF19 Philadelphia Eagles 17 20
DEF20 Miami Dolphins 19 19
DEF21 Tampa Bay Buccaneers 21 24
DEF22 San Francisco 49ers 24 21
DEF23 Detroit Lions 22 23
DEF24 Indianapolis Colts 26 22
DEF25 Washington Redskins 23 25
DEF26 Tennessee Titans 25 26
DEF27 Atlanta Falcons 27 29
DEF28 Chicago Bears 28 28
DEF29 Cleveland Browns 30 27
DEF30 Dallas Cowboys 29 30
DEF31 San Diego Chargers 31 32
DEF32 New Orlean Saints 32 31
Winning Championships since 1966.

Winning Championships since 1966.

2016 Rankings: Kickers
Composite Rage Ginger
KR1 Stephen Gostkowski 1 1
KR2 Steven Hauschka 2 2
KR3 Justin Tucker 3 3
KR4 Dan Bailey 6 4
KR5 Mason Crosby 4 6
KR6 Graham Gano 5 7
KR7 Adam Vinatieri 9 5
KR8 Brandon McManus 7 9
KR9 Blair Walsh 8 10
KR10 Chandler Catanzaro 11 8
KR11 Josh Brown 10 11
KR12 Dan Carpenter 13 12
KR13 Matt Prater 12 13
KR14 Cairo Santos 14 14
KR15 Sebastian Janikowski 15 15
KR16 Robert Aguayo 16 16
KR17 Robbie Gould 17 17
KR18 Chris Boswell 18 18
KR19 Greg Zuerlein 19 19
KR20 Matt Bryant 20 20
KR21 Graham Gano 21 21
KR22 Mike Nugent 22 22
KR23 Nick Novak 23 23
KR24 Connor Barth 24 24

2016 FANTASY FOOTBALL RANKINGS – WRs

Get some!

Get some!

We’ve covered QBs and RBs so far, and now we’re onto my favorite skill group, Wide Receivers.  In PPR leagues, you can never have to many WRs.  When in doubt, draft another wideout.  In most leagues I’m looking to grab a top flight guy and then pound the WR12-WR30 range, hopefully getting 2-4 WR’s from that grouping.

League-winner

League-winner

2016 Rankings: Wide Receivers
Composite Rage Ginger
WR1 Antonio Brown 1 1
WR2 Odell Beckham Jr. 2 2
WR3 Julio Jones 3 3
WR4 DeAndre Hopkins 4 5
WR5 A.J. Green 6 4
WR6 Dez Bryant 5 8
WR7 Brandon Marshall 8 6
WR8 Mike Evans 9 9
WR9 Allen Robinson 7 12
WR10 Alshon Jeffery 12 10
WR11 Jordy Nelson 16 7
WR12 Keenan Allen 10 13
WR13 T.Y. Hilton 11 14
WR14 Jarvis Landry 18 11
WR15 Amari Cooper 13 18
WR16 Demaryius Thomas 17 15
WR17 Brandin Cooks 15 19
WR18 Kelvin Benjamin 20 17
WR19 Sammy Watkins 14 23
WR20 Doug Baldwin 19 24
WR21 Larry Fitzgerald 28 16
WR22 Golden Tate 23 21
WR23 Julian Edelman 25 20
WR24 Randall Cobb 24 22
WR25 Emmanual Sanders 22 26
WR26 Donte Moncrief 21 31
WR27 Eric Decker 27 27
WR28 Michael Floyd 30 25
WR29 Jeremy Maclin 29 30
WR30 Allen Hurns 26 34
WR31 Jordan Matthews 34 28
WR32 Sterling Sheppard 39 29
WR33 Kevin White 35 39
WR34 Desean Jackson 33 41
WR35 Marvin Jones 38 37
WR36 Michael Crabtree 36 40
WR37 Tyler Lockett 32 45
WR38 Devante Parker 43 35
WR39 John Brown 40 38
WR40 Tavon Austin 42 42
WR41 Josh Gordon 41 44
WR42 Stephan Diggs 31 55
WR43 Torrey Smith 44 46
WR44 Steve Smith 59 32
WR45 Brandon LaFell 58 33
WR46 Markus Wheaton 37 54
WR47 Kamar Aiken 47 48
WR48 Nelson Agholor 54 43
WR49 Phillip Dorsett 48 50
WR50 Anquan Boldin 65 36
WR51 Corey Coleman 49 52
WR52 Willie Snead 56 47
WR53 Vincent Jackson 50 53
WR54 Laquan Treadwell 55 51
WR55 Devin Funchess 45 61
WR56 Travis Benjamin 51 56
WR57 Kenny Stills 60 49
WR58 Mohamed Sanu 46 63
WR59 Sammie Coats 52 58
WR60 Michael Thomas 53 59
WR61 Breshad Perriman 61 57
WR62 Josh Docston 57 64
WR63 Kendall Wright 63 60
WR64 Nelson Agholor 62 62
WR65 Tyler Boyd 64 65

 

2016 FANTASY FOOTBALL RANKINGS – RBs

Get some!

Get some!

While the quarterback position isn’t likely to make or break your fantasy football draft (and season), selecting the right running back, at the right time, will set you up for the long grind of the season.  This year’s running back group feels deeper than recent years, likely the result of ‘specialized’ backs and the rise of the timeshare backfield.  While there are more guys that can get you points, there are fewer workhorse backs.  Those guys are easy to spot, as they are the ones toward the top of the list:

DJ Touchdown

2016 Rankings: Running Backs
Composite Rage Ginger
RB1 David Johnson 1 2
RB2 Adrian Peterson 4 1
RB3 Todd Gurley 3 3
RB4 Ezekiel Elliott 2 5
RB5 Le’Veon Bell 5 4
RB6 Lamar Miller 6 8
RB7 Jamaal Charles 7 7
RB8 Doug Martin 9 10
RB9 LeSean McCoy 8 12
RB10 Devonta Freeman 12 9
RB11 Mark Ingram 10 11
RB12 Eddie Lacy 16 6
RB13 C.J. Anderson 11 15
RB14 Thomas Rawls 13 14
RB15 Carlos Hyde 14 13
RB16 Latavius Murray 17 16
RB17 DeMarco Murray 15 20
RB18 Matt Forte 21 17
RB19 Melvin Gordon 18 21
RB20 Dion Lewis 24 19
RB21 Giovani Bernard 19 25
RB22 Duke Johnson 23 22
RB23 Danny Woodhead 31 18
RB24 T.J. Yeldon 26 23
RB25 Jeremy Langford 20 31
RB26 Jeremy Hill 25 30
RB27 Jonathan Stewart 28 28
RB28 Matt Jones 32 24
RB29 Arian Foster 22 36
RB30 Ameer Abdullah 36 26
RB31 Ryan Mathews 27 35
RB32 Rashad Jennings 33 29
RB33 Frank Gore 29 37
RB34 Darren Sproles 35 32
RB35 Chris Ivory 41 27
RB36 Shane Vereen 34 38
RB37 Justin Forsett 39 34
RB38 Jay Ajayi 44 33
RB39 Bilal Powell 37 40
RB40 Charles Sims 30 49
RB41 Theo Riddick 38 41
RB42 DeAngelo Williams 42 39
RB43 Tevin Coleman 40 42
RB44 Isaiah Crowell 47 43
RB45 Jerick McKinnon 45 45
RB46 Javorius Allen 43 50
RB47 Derrick Henry 51 44
RB48 Devontae Booker 49 48
RB49 Kenneth Dixon 52 46
RB50 Spencer Ware 48 51
RB51 DeAndre Washington 53 47
RB52 C.J. Prosise 46 55
RB53 Chris Johnson 50 53
RB54 Darren McFadden 56 52
RB55 Jordan Howard 54 54
RB56 Paul Perkins 55 58
RB57 Wendell Smallwood 57 56
RB58 James Starks 59 57
RB59 LeGarrette Blount 58 60
RB60 James White 60 59

 

 

2016 FANTASY FOOTBALL RANKINGS – QBs

We are going to win so big.

We are going to win so big.

The Machine has emerged from the depths of the film room, breaking only to restock the fridge and watch the occasional Olympian arm/leg/face brake.  We’re rolling out our Fantasy Football Rankings so that you can dominate your fantasy football draft (again)!  We’ll start with the gunslingers…..

GOAT.

GOAT.

2016 Rankings: Quarterbacks
  Composite Rage Ginger
QB1 Aaron Rodgers 1 1
QB2 Cam Newton 2 3
QB3 Andrew Luck 5 2
QB4 Ben Roethlisberger 4 4
QB5 Russell Wilson 3 8
QB6 Drew Brees 6 5
QB7 Eli Manning 8 6
QB8 Blake Bortles 7 9
QB9 Tom Brady 10 7
QB10 Philip Rivers 9 11
QB11 Carson Palmer 11 10
QB12 Tony Romo 12 14
QB13 Andy Dalton 14 12
QB14 Derek Carr 15 13
QB15 Tyrod Taylor 13 16
QB16 Matt Ryan 19 15
QB17 Kirk Cousins 18 17
QB18 Marcus Mariota 17 19
QB19 Ryan Fitzpatrick 16 22
QB20 Matthew Stafford 20 18
QB21 Jameis Winston 21 20
QB22 Ryan Tannehill 23 21
QB23 Alex Smith 22 24
QB24 Joe Flacco 26 23
QB25 Jay Cutler 24 25
QB26 Sam Bradford 25 26
QB27 Teddy Bridgewater 27 27
QB28 Brock Osweiler 30 28
QB29 Robert Griffin III 28 31
QB30 Blaine Gabbert 29 32
QB31 Jared Goff 32 29
QB32 Mark Sanchez 31 30

My favorite quarterback strategy in early drafts has been to target one of the 2004 NFL Draft Class QBs ***cracks open beer, pours one out for JP Losman, chugs the rest*** and pair him with a late upside, running QB (Taylor, Mariota).

 

 

Tuesday Teabag, July 12, 2016 – The Kevin Durant Free Agency Freak Out

Kevin DurantThat’s right!  We’re back with a brand new Teabag!  We receive millions, thousands, hundreds, tens, many emails and tweets (if you’re not following us on Twitter, you’re doing it wrong), and they all want to know the same thing:  Why haven’t you written a Teabag in so long?  Are you still hungover from the Draft Party?  Busy playing Pokemon Go?  Do you no longer like to give Teabags?

No, no, and no.  True, we may have drunk our weight in Coors Light at the Draft Party, but we’re not going soft on you.  In fact, we’re busy gearing up for another for another (wildly successful) fantasy football season.  Also, if we catch any of you playing Pokemon Go (and yes, we’re watching) we will openly shame you.  And we’ll never stop loving teabags.  So with that, let’s get right to our Teabag du jour.

You may have heard that Kevin Durant signed with Golden State last week.  The signing is beyond huge.  KD is a Top 5 player…a Top 3 player if you really know your NBA.  League MVP.  He’s spent his entire career with the OKC franchise, and after (multiple) unsuccessful postseasons, decided to take his talents to Oaktown.

Now, not surprisingly, OKC fans freaked out…burning his jersey, crying in the streets, essentially erasing his name from the City.  Some of that’s to be expected…at least from the fans.  Fans are, by nature, fanatical, and have a weird sense of ownership over the players that play for their team…well, at least the good ones.  Pretty sure no one would freak out if Cameron Payne left the Thunder.

A bit much.

A bit much.

Anyway, what’s odd is that KD is getting shit from journalists and other “knowledgeable” sports writers.  Notable blowhard Stephen A. Smith (a past Teabag recipient) said it was “the weakest move I’ve even seen an NBA superstar commit.”  He then tried to explain his reasoning as follows:

“You are riding the gravy train. You’re jumping on the bandwagon. They don’t need you. They’ve won without you. Chances are, they’d win again, without you. You are jumping on their coattails to do what some would say you should have done already. Considering the great talent that you are. That’s my issue with Kevin Durant. Nothing else. Not him choosing to leave Oklahoma City. Not him choosing to go someplace else. Not him choosing to depart from Russell Westbrook.”

Think about that for a second.  He’s not upset KD left Oklahoma City.  He’s upset he left to go to Golden State, a more successful team.  Where was he supposed to go?  Milwaukee?  Why would he go to a worse team?  If he took more money from a worse team, wouldn’t that make him more selfish?  Instead, he decided to go to a (much) better team.

But more than just Stephen, other people have come out against this trade.  Michael Rosenberg wrote a long-winded, get your ball off my yard article, incredulously wondering “where is Durant’s competitive spirit?” Mike Lupica whined that Durant took “the path of least resistance.”

The Machine is here to say, you guys are out of your fucking minds.  Path of least resistance?  Guess what team is going to have the most pressure to win next season?  Golden State.  If they don’t win the title, the season will be a waste.  Shit, if they don’t win more than 73 games, the season will be a waste.  Where’s his competitive spirit?  Umm, he was sick of losing in the playoffs and waiting for OKC to bring in more talent.  He made this move because of his competitive spirit.  He wants to win, and wants to win now.  The NBA is a young man’s game.  He’s in his prime, but he won’t be there for long.  He can’t keep wondering if the Thunder will put together a championship caliber team.  They’ve been unsuccessful in 9 years.

If OKC really wanted to keep KD, then they wouldn’t have let James Harden leave.  Yes folks, the writing’s been on the wall since 2012, when OKC traded Harden to the Rockets.  The Thunder were just coming off a Finals appearance…Harden was a budding superstar (he won the NBA 6th man of the year in 2012) and they were poised to get back to the Finals.  Instead, OKC hit reset, traded Harden, and put it all on KD and Westbrook’s shoulders, which isn’t enough.  Why?  Because if any of the past, say, five NBA champions have taught us anything, it’s that’s you need more than 2 superstars on your team to win.  Here’s some math equations:

Duncan + Manu + Parker = Championship.

LeBron + Kyrie + Love = Championship.

Wade + Bosh + LeBron = Championship.

Wade + Bosh = NO Championship.

What could'be been.

What could’be been.

Durant and Westbrook were never going to win a championship together, and OKC didn’t do enough to bring in a third championship-caliber player.  Which leaves to my next point.

Guess where Russell Westbrook is going to be after next season?  Answer:  Not Oklahoma City.  Should KD sit around and wait for Westbrook to bail and be left holding the bag?  That’s absurd.  Leaving now is the smartest decision he could make.

You know what else is smart?  The contract Durant signed.  Durant signed a two year, $54 million contract.  But the beauty is that the second year is a player option…meaning Durant will be a free agent again after next season.  This sets him up perfectly for the projected salary cap increase.  If you recall, LeBron James has been milking the one year player options as well.  Durant has put himself in the best position possible.  He can win a championship, and then land a max contract.  Not a bad deal.

And, while we’re talking about money, let’s be clear that his decision was not motivated by money.  Per NBA rules, his best option money-was would’ve been to sign a 1 year deal with OKC and then a max out contract.

This isn’t about money…it’s about winning.  And spare me the bullshit, nostalgia talk of yesteryear.  Larry Bird would never play with Magic Johnson…blah, blah, blah.  You know what KD owes OKC?  Not one god damn thing.  He balled for them, brought them to the Finals, won an MVP, made the franchise relevant.  He deserves to enjoy the fruits of his labor.  A fan’s loyalty runs only as deep as the talent.  And, not for nothing, but THAT’S WHAT FREE AGENCY IS FOR!  Gone are the days when superstars stayed with their team for life.  LeBron, Wade, Dwight Howard, Kevin Garnett…all left.

This is also perfect for Golden State (so much for the big market cities dominating free agency).  There is uncertainty with Steph Curry’s ankles, and who knows what’s going to happen with the nut-ninja Draymond Green.  This move gives the Warriors the ability to rest Curry so that he’s not limping into the playoffs next year.

Kevin Durant, The Machine says bravo.  The Warriors are going to score 400 points a game next year.  All the KD bashing is just nonsense, we’ve yet to hear one credible argument.  Somehow, the fun loving, small market team turned into the enemy overnight.  That’s alright…KD will laugh all the way to the NBA Finals.

Enjoy your teabag.

The Machine’s Draft Day Drinking Game

Cheers!Can’t make it to The Machine’s Draft Day Party?  Well, that sucks for you.  But have no fear…we got your back with our play at home game.  How can you make the Draft better, you ask in amazement?  By playing The Big Red Sports Machine’s Draft Day Drinking Game.  It’s fun, it’s easy, guaranteed to impress the ladies, and you can play at home or at your favorite watering hole.  Here are the rules:

1.  Draft catchphrases.  There are certain phrases you only hear during the Draft.  Why?  We don’t know, but we love them.  For this reason alone, we give ESPN the slight lean over the NFL Network for your draft day coverage.  That, and, Kiper.  Duh, winning!

The following phrases are worth a shot of beer:

  • Raw talent
  • Off-the-field or character issues
  • Live arm
  • High motor
  • Straight line speed
  • Great Value
  • Upside
  • Best player available
  • Intangibles or Measurables
  • Trade Down
  • War Room
  • New Regime
  • Read-Option
  • Edge Rusher
  • Gets to the Second Level
  • Quick feet
  • Plays in Space
  • Advanced Stats (*new for 2016)

2.  Videos/references.  Each of these are beer-finishing worthy:

  • Reference to Mel’s hair
  • Player on-stage photo-op with family/entourage of 15+
  • Reference to Cleveland Browns front office ineptitude (cough, Trent Richardson, cough, Brandon Weedon, cough, Johnny Manziel)
  • First shot of Drew Rosenhaus in his newest client’s living room
  • First player to cry when their name is called
  • Reference to when Tom Brady was drafted (we’ll also accept Brady’s Combine picture)
  • Reference to Aaron Rodgers draft day slide
  • Video of Brady Quinn in the green room
  • Video of Bill Tobin’s infamous “who the hell is Mel Kiper?” interview during the ’94 Draft

3.  On the Clock Chug.  When your team is on the clock, you have to finish a full beer before the pick is called.  Note:  if your team trades down, they’re on the clock twice, meaning that’s two full beers.  Cowboy up, it’s the Draft!

Basically, if it doesn’t look like this than you’re probably doing it wrong…..

Beer Chug

Or this:

Beer Chug 2

Mock Draft (Ginger King Final)

It's Draft Day!

It’s Draft Day!

Here.  We.  Go.

Our final mock.  After weeks (ok months) of “research” (defined to include watching a shit ton of football with fistfuls of chicken wings and buckets of Coors Light) it’s time to put our “knowledge” to work.  So many questions heading into the Draft, so many rumors flying around; it’s hard to decipher what’s legit and what’s bullshit.  But that’s why we’re here.

Will Myles Jack fall out of the Top 10?  (Yes).

How many receivers will go in the first round? (4).

O/U on first round trades?  (3.5).

Will Ginger King and Roid Rage continue their streak of more correct first round picks than Kiper and McShay? (obviously).  Seriously, why aren’t we on network television?  The man’s keeping a ginger down.

Enough of that.  Let’s get to it.

Round 1 Team Pick Position
1 LA Rams Jared Goff (Cal) QB
2 Philadelphia Eagles Carson Wentz (North Dakota St.) QB
3 San Diego Chargers Jalen Ramsey (FSU) CB
4 Dallas Cowboys Joey Bosa (OSU) DE
5 Jacksonville Jaguars DeForest Buckner (Oregon) DE
6 Baltimore Ravens Laremy Tunsil (Ole Miss) OL
7 San Francisco 49ers Ronnie Stanley (Notre Dame) OL
8 Cleveland Browns Paxton Lynch (Memphis) QB
9 Tampa Bay Bucs Vernon Hargreaves (Florida) CB
10 New York Giants Jack Conklin (MSU) OL
11 Chicago Bears Leonard Floyd (Georgia) LB
12 New Orleans Saints Myles Jack (UCLA) LB
13 Miami Dolphins Ezekiel Elliot (OSU) RB
14 Oakland Raiders Sheldon Rankins (Louisville) DT
15 Tennessee Titans Taylor Decker (OSU) OL
16 Detroit Lions Jarran Reed (Alabama) DT
17 Atlanta Falcons Josh Doctson (TCU) WR
18 Indianapolis Colts Ryan Kelly (Alabama) OL
19 Buffalo Bills Reggie Ragland (Alabama) LB
20 New York Jets Darren Lee (OSU) LB
21 Washington Redskins Emmanuel Ogbah (Ok St.) DE
22 Houston Texans Will Fuller (Notre Dame) WR
23 Minnesota Vikings Corey Coleman (Baylor) WR
24 Cincinnati Bengals Laquan Treadwell (Ole Miss) WR
25 Pittsburgh Steelers Eli Apple (OSU) CB
26 Seattle Seahawks Noah Spence (Eastern Kentucky) DE
27 Green Bay Packers Kenny Clark (UCLA) DT
28 Kansas City Chiefs William Jackson III (Houston) CB
29 Arizona Cardinals Keanu Neal (Florida) S
30 Carolina Panthers Artie Burns (Miami) CB
31 Denver Broncos Chris Jones (Miss St.) DE