Anyone think this was an accident?

Just three short weeks ago, The Machine made a bold confession:  we stopped becoming A-Rod apologists.  In the face of Biogenesis, we could no longer overlook and explain away his utter-douchbagedness.  Since then, Team A-Rod hasn’t done much to change our opinion: he forced his way back in the Yankees lineup (to a chorus of boos), (allegedly) leaked info implicating Ryan Braun and Francisco Cervelli (yup, his teammate) and somehow managed to retain an attorney that’s even more of a douchebag than he is.

Yes, in the wake of all of this, the one thing The Machine was certain there was one thing that A-Rod would never become: a victim.  However, thanks to the Boston Red Sox, A-Rod has become just that.

On Sunday night, the Yankees were in Boston, where it was expected that A-Rod would be greeted with a hearty (and well-deserved) hazing from the Boston faithful.  However, in his first at-bat against Ryan Dempster, he faced 4 pitches:  inside, inside, behind him, plunked in the back.  Clearly, Dempster was aiming for A-Rod, but (surprisingly) the umpire did not eject him.  Instead, Joe Girardi gets ejected for arguing, and Boston (somewhat dickishly) cheers A-Rod’s intentional beaning.  But that just set the stage for this:

Anyone think this was an accident?

Sixth inning, Boston comfortably up 6-3, Dempster’s still in the game, and A-Rod steps back up to the plate.  BOOM!  A-Rod drills a homer to (deep) center, and sparks a 4 run inning.  Yanks go on to win 9-6, and the A-Rod redemption tour has officially begun.

Leave it to Boston to turn A-Rod into a sympathetic figure.  Overnight, he’s gone from complete villain to someone who maybe got a raw deal from MLB (211 game suspension for a first time offender (in the eyes of the MLB testing policy) is a lot).  There will be stories abound about laying off A-Rod, and giving him the due process that every other player enjoys.  In fact, there already is one. 

And, the League’s response to the Boston beaning is laughable.  MLB announced today that Dempster will be suspended for 5 games.  Sounds pretty harsh, until you know that (a) he’ll be paid and (b) he won’t miss a start.  In other words, it’s a completely toothless suspension, which shows that the League is not at all concerned about protecting A-Rod from any future plunkings.  This only further ups his sympathetic appearance in the eyes of the public.  Sure, he’ll never get back to where he used to be, but he’s slowly gaining back some of the public trust.  Thanks to Boston (oh, sweet irony).

Also, the story about Dempster hitting A-Rod because Alex snubbed him at some public event makes Dempster look like a complete tool.  No wonder he fits right in Boston.

Enjoy your teabag.

I’m so mad I could tweet about it. That’ll show those scoundrels.

What a great weekend for sports if you’re from New York…excuse me, Upstate New York (yes, it is markedly different from downstate New York).  The PGA Championship right in The Machine’s backyard, and the Bills win and put up 44 on the Colts (hey, we know it’s preseason but this is the best time to be a Bills fan).  Yes, it was a pretty awesome weekend, especially the golf, and The Machine was right there throwing back $7.50 Gennys at Oak Hill (note:  the fact that Genesee Beer was listed as a “local craft beer” brought a warm smile to The Machine’s face). Anyway, after 72 holes of golf, Rochester crowned its newest major Champion, Jason Dufner.  Duff Daddy is quickly becoming a household name on the tour.  Although 36, he’s one of the newer, hip golfers (like Bubba Watson, Dustin Johnson, and Keegan Bradley) and represents a change from the old guard.  Calm, cool, plays golf with a huge lipper in his mouth, and seems like a guy you could grill burgers with in the backyard over a couple of brews.  Certainly different from the old guard (can you imagine throwing a few back with Tiger or Davis Love III?)

So, the big story on Monday should have been about Dufner winning his first major, and his chance at redemption following his epic collapse at the 2011 PGA Championship.  Instead, we were treated to stories about people whining about the crowds.

Yes, much of the talk on Monday dealt with people complaining about the growing trend in golf where people yell things after a swing.  It started out innocently enough a few years back with the “Get in the Hole” guy for putts, and, sure enough, that slippery slope brought us the “Get in the Hole” guy for regular shots, which then progressed to shouts of random phrases.  Two common ones at Oak Hill over the weekend were “Mashed Potatoes” and “Baba Booey.”  See below.

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Now let’s get something straight.  Are these things childish, sophomoric, and unnecessary?  Of course.  However, they’re also funny and, more importantly, harmless.  People yell out stuff AFTER they swing, so it’s not affecting a player’s preparation or concentration before or during their swing.  Anything said while the ball’s in the air is completely meaningless.

Well, this sort of behavior did not sit well with Ian Poulter.  For those of you that aren’t familiar with Ian, he’s English, which means he has zero sense of humor (seriously, Benny Hill is not funny) and probably thinks Oasis is a real rock band.  Like all sensible Englishmen, Ian took his frustration to Twitter, where he tweeted the following:

This baba boo shit & mash potato crap shouting wouldn’t happen at Augusta, The Open, nor would it happen at Wimbledon. Tazer the thrushes.

First, we’re guessing thrushes is English for douchebag.  Second, really?  Are you that uptight and pretentious?  Is society as we know it falling apart because someone yelled “taters” after you hit?  Get over yourself, thrusher.  Your whining about people acting uncouth is pathetic, and totally transparent.  Does anyone here think that if Poulter finished in the Top 10 on Sunday (instead of tied for 61^st) he’d give a shit what people said after he hit?  Of course not.  Ian’s got to blame someone else for his poor play, it certainly couldn’t be his fault, or those awful fucking pants.

Off the “look-at-me” rack at Marshalls

No, it must be those boorish Americans.  Hey, for the record Brit, we don’t recall anyone streaking across the 18^th green like say, they do at Wimbledon.

How sensible Englishmen enjoy tennis on the lawn.

Look brah, I don’t know what you thought you meant to gain from your twitter rage (note: not street cred) but do you think that we’re going to stop, especially for you?  Sorry homie, it doesn’t work like that.  Good luck at the Wyndham Championship next week, I’m sure we’ll be quiet when you hit (note: free Machine t-shirt for anyone that yells “Tuesday Teabag” after Poulter hits).

No, what Ian probably thought to gain from his whining is to get more players on his side to pressure the PGA to change their rules to prohibit this conduct.  And he’s not alone.

Cork Gaines from the Business Insider writes that the PGA should adopt a zero tolerance policy like they have at Augusta, or else “it will get worse before it gets better.”  He also (unconvincingly) argues there’s a difference between the “Get in the Hole” guy and the new guys, explaining that “this new breed of golf yelling is not done out of fandom or excitement.  It is simply just a look-at-me effort to get on TV and get mentions on websites and Howard Stern’s radio show in a game of who can yell the craziest word or phrase.  Ultimately, it is no better than fans that run on to the field to interrupt sporting events for their own simple amusement.”  He’s wrong on many levels.

First, we must note that his name is Cork and he writes for the Business Insider.  Without knowing anything else about him, we’re guessing he’s white, upper middle class, well-educated, and sports a popped collar during the summertime and has at least two seersucker suits.  Shocker he’s against the riff-raff that has invaded the country clubs.

Second, it’s not a “look-at-me effort to get on TV.”  Did you see any cameraman pan over to one person that yelled something out?  No.  Not one got on TV.  Sure, Stern may have played some clips on his show, but they weren’t attributed to anyone.  There is no recognition to be had.  And, it didn’t interrupt the game.  It couldn’t be more different from the fan that runs on the field, a/k/a the creepy English streaker.

Golf is, and will always be, a sport played predominantly by white, upper class men.  It’s always going to have an element of snobbery to it, even if Larry the Cable Guy is in the stands yelling “git-r-done.”  Letting some dude who shelled out a few hundred bones walk around a golf course and yell “Baba Booey” while drinking $7.50 local craft beers is ok.  It’s not going to ruin the 400-thread count fabric that is golf.  And saying that the norm should be Augusta, which just admitted their first woman member last year and first black person in 1990, shows how out of touch with society you are.

If the PGA is smart, they will do nothing.  Perhaps a subtle warning to remind fans to be on their best behavior, but that’s it.  Why?  Because golf is becoming more popular by the second.  Which means more people golfing, which means more people at PGA events, which means more people buying PGA stuff.  The PGA needs to shed its Bushwood persona if it’s going to continue to grow in popularity.  Admonishing your growing fan base is not the way to go.

And Ian, if you can’t take our piggish American behavior, feel free to stay on your side of the pond and live in relative obscurity on the European Tour.

Enjoy your teabag.

Side effects of PEDs include the body of a centaur.

The Machine knew this day was coming…and we hate ourselves for it.  We’ve been an A-Rod apologist from the start.  There’s just something about an aloof, narcissistic, mega-millionaire that we like.  The Machine knew he was doomed as soon as he signed his (first) $250+ million dollar contract with the Yankees.  No matter what he did it wouldn’t be good enough.  Even if he won you a World Series (which he did), an MVP (which he did…twice) it would never match the obscene amount of expectations that were placed on his shoulders.  Biggie was right:  Mo’ Money, Mo’ Problems.

We even apologized for him during his first steroid controversy.  “He didn’t know what he was doing.  Look, his cousin just bought some Boli and he took it.  That totally sounds legit.  Plus, everyone was (is) juicing, so who cares?”

Well, we have now seen the errors of our way, and have converted.  The latest PED scandal with Biogenesis, where sources say there is “overwhelming evidence” of A-Rod’s involvement, is it.  That, plus the soap opera he’s created with the Yankees with his rehab assignment, unauthorized second medical opinion, etc.  Enough is enough, you cannot win our hearts back A-Rod…unless you hit 14 more homers and passes Willie Mays…that shit would be cool.

Anyway, when the dust finally settles and A-Rod writes a tell-all book years from now or goes on Oprah, we’re going to learn that his use of PEDs was systematic, controlled, and well-orchestrated (ala Lance Armstrong).  Which makes his first “admission” in 2009 all the more puzzling.  In 2009, he went in front of the cameras and acted ignorant/aloof about what he was doing.  It was just something he and his cousin did, and he wasn’t sure if he did it right or if it had any effect.  If (read: when) this turns out to be bullshit, and we see the detailed records from the Biogenesis clinic showing his doping regimen, A-Rod will be exposed as not only a true fraud, but his narcissism will grow to Anthony Weiner-like status.

Now comes the report that all of the Biogenesis players are ready to cut a deal with MLB and accept their fate…all that is, accept A-Rod.  This has obviously angered the MLB brass, who are looking at every possible way to suspend him, including a lifetime ban.  One thing A-Rod’s got going for him is if there’s anyone that could screw this up, it’s Bud Selig.  Remember Bud: in the eyes of the CBA, MLBPA, and the inevitable arbitrator that will be hearing A-Rod’s appeal of any suspension, A-Rod is a zero-time offender.  Tread carefully, Bud.

As this story develops daily, A-Rod is looking more and more like an image-obsessed diva that feels he is above the law.  He makes Barry Bonds seem reasonable and likeable.  With Barry, you knew what you were getting.  He didn’t mince words, knew what he wanted, what he needed to do to get there, and didn’t give two shits about what anyone thought.  With Alex, it’s like he hired a (very bad) political strategist to create this persona of a naïve ballplayer who innocently stumbled upon PEDs.  Are they both narcissistic?  Of course, but Barry never tried to hide who he is

Where will this end up?  Who knows.  If MLB gets its way, A-Rod will never suit up again.  If the Yankees get their way, they can void A-Rod’s contract.  If A-Rod gets his way, he gets to play again and continue his homerun quest (there’s a nice $6 million bonus if he passes Willie).

To boil it down:  it’s all about the money.  Forget the records, the hall of fame, the glory of the game.  The real fight is all about the benjamins (baby).  The Yankees owe A-Rod $114 million.  That money is guaranteed…unless MLB suspends him.  The Daily News writes that A-Rod’s plan is to play at least one game, and then retire based on the hip injury, thus guaranteeing the remaining $114 million.  He’s desperately doing everything he can to get ahead of the impending suspension, while the Yankees and MLB are doing everything in their power to thwart him. 

Who’s going to win?  Who should we root for?  It’s tough when everyone in the equation is the villain.  A-Rod doesn’t deserve the money, the Yankees don’t deserve to be let out of a dumb contract, and Bud Selig doesn’t deserve to look like the hero (he’s no RGI).

One thing that is clear:  they’re all worthy of teabags.

Enjoy your teabag.

We’re back with another week of teabags.  This week’s been so good, The Machine’s giving you a double dose of teabags:  Johnny Football, who is on track to be dating a porn star before the season starts, and Ryan Braun, the latest lying, meathead, juiced up baseball player.

Zoinks Scoob, like that Heisman sure pays dividends!

Johnny Manziel

Johnny, as you all know, took the college football world by storm last year, and became the first freshmen to ever win the Heisman Trophy.  He fits the new mold of an NFL QB…a young, hip gunslinger that can run and throw (think Colin Kaepernick but even more immature).  He’s a read/option dream (it’s still a fad, folks) and he’s almost certain to be a top (if not the top) pick in the 2014 Draft.  That is, if he stops his Gronk-like offseason.

Recently, Johnny was a camp counselor at the Manning Passing Academy and was sent home for missing meetings and generally being a complete douche.  Multiple reports (and twitter pics) show Johnny out partying, and the reasonable conclusion is that he was hung over (he claims he overslept because his phone was dead).  Reports also had him on Bourbon Street at 4:00 am (about an hour from where the Manning Passing Academy was being held), lying to his parents, and having his daddy explain that his tummy-wummy hurt.  Whether it was dehydration or a bender, it doesn’t look good.  And this just adds to his offseason of drama. 

Look, The Machine doesn’t care that he was getting after it at a bar or macking on some co-eds…if we were the most popular college student in America, you can bet your ass we’d be taking full advantage of that.  Johnny just needs to learn when to do it and (more importantly) when not to do it.  The Mannings are known for a lot of things (#winning, #18-1) but here’s what they’re not known for:  a good time.  The Machine’s pretty sure Eli’s never seen midnight.  You don’t go to the Manning Passing Academy to have a good time…unless your definition of a good time includes watching film, camp fire stories with Archie, and sing-a-longs with Peyton and Cooper.

This is just one of many questionable moves that Johnny has made this offseason, leaving many to affix the hot button term “character issues” next to his name.  This is Sophomore Slump written all over it.

My contract’s still this big, suckers!

Ryan Braun

Ryan Braun was recently suspended for the rest of the season for taking PEDs and the first player officially suspended in the Biogenesis scandal.  He’s also the most popular athlete suspended thus far (A-Rod, you’re on deck). 

Now, that fact that he used PEDs isn’t that surprising.  If every juicer was worthy of a teabag, we’d have nothing else to write about.  Kind of like giving a teabag to every NFL player that gets arrested.  But Ryan deserves it for his actions during this whole scandal.

Back in 2011, Braun won the NL MVP Award, and also won himself a little contract extension, to the tune of $113 million (that’s a lot of brauts and beers, actually, it’s probably enough to buy Milwaukee).  Anyway, after his MVP setting 2011 season (and after signing his mega-contract) Braun tests positive for synthetic testosterone.  However, an arbitrator overturned his 50 game suspension based on procedural errors.  He (read: his lawyers) were able to successfully argue that the proper chain of custody protocols were not followed, as the Collector did not promptly submit his sample for testing.

Look, there’s nothing wrong with getting something bounced on procedural errors (The Machine takes great pride in getting a speeding ticket dismissed when the officer wrote the wrong license plate number down).  But it was Ryan’s actions and words that went over the line.

Instead of just breathing a huge sigh of relief and counting your lucky procedural stars, Ryan engaged in this bizarre PR campaign to proclaim his innocence.  Standing in front of a throng of reporters in February, 2012, Braun said “I truly believe in my heart and I would bet my life that this substance never entered my body at any point.”  His brazenness didn’t end there, as he threw MLB and the Collector under the bus, claiming he was a victim of a flawed system.  “There are a lot of things we’ve heard about the collection process, the collector and some other people involved in the process that have certainly been concerning to us.”

He again went on the offensive during training camp, saying

“I have always taken tremendous pride in my image and my reputation in being a role model and handling myself the right way and doing things the right way.  And all of that has been called into question by this situation.  When you know you’re innocent of something, it’s extremely difficult to have to prove it when you’re in a process where you’re 100% guilty until proven innocent.”

He protested he was innocent so much that some people actually believed him.  Aaron Rodgers bet his salary on it.  However, anyone with a reasonable level of intelligence knew that Braun was guilty as sin, and got off on a technicality.  And while his Innocence Project may have worked on some, it didn’t work on MLB.  Who knows, it’s possible that Bud was so pissed of Braun flaunting the system and rubbing it in by constantly proclaiming his innocence, that he made it his mission to bring him down.  It certainly seemed like the league had a huge hard on for him.

So now that Braun’s been exposed as a fraud and a cheat, and suspended for the rest of the season (completely screwing my fantasy team, btw) the media is happy that he gets what he deserves.  Mike Lupica notes that it’s about time that Braun is going to do some time.  But what the media doesn’t answer, or refuses to address, is whether Braun’s really suffering at all.

Sure, his reputation his taken a big hit, and he’ll have to work extra hard to regain the public’s trust (however, we people are fickle, and love a comeback story).  Sure, he’s suspended for the rest of the season and will lose around $3.4 million in salary.  But let’s look at some other facts:

One, the Brewers are awful this year (41-58, 20 games out of first) and are going nowhere this season, with or without Braun.  Suspending him for the rest of the season when the season’s already over for his team isn’t really a punishment.  It’s a vacation.

Two, and perhaps more importantly, the Brewers still owe him $113 million.  The Machine’s no math-magician, but we know enough that 113 is more than 3.4.  Would you spend $3.4 million if you knew you were guaranteed $113 million?  It’s a no brainer. 

No wonder these guys are juicing.  You get big to get the big (guaranteed) contract, and then if you get caught, so what.  The money is still there.  The current punishment system for using PEDs is not enough of a deterrent.

An interesting twist is that players are now speaking out against tougher penalties.  Matt Kemp argues that Braun should be stripped of his MVP award.  Note: that’s somewhat self-serving, seeing as how Kemp finished 2^nd in the MVP race.  Max Scherzer, however, steps it up to a whole other level and argues that Braun’s contract should be voided.  Max astutely points out that players still benefit financially by taking PEDs, and until you strip that incentive, you’ll never rid the game of PEDs.

Both Matt and Max are absolutely right:  any awards while juicing (except a teabag) should be automatically forfeited, and teams should have the right to void their contract.  That’s the only way to get the player’s attention.

As for Braun, it’s not over for him.  He’s still young (29) and has plenty of time to rehabilitate his image.  He’s a Jeremy Schapp interview away from getting back in our good graces.  But here’s some advice:  go into hibernation.  Wait until after the World Series is over before you embark on the Innocence Project, Part II and re-virginize yourself.  Take solace in the fact that if you lead the Brewers to the playoffs next year, most will be forgotten.  That, and the boat load of cash that’s still coming your way.

Enjoy your teabag.