This week, The Machine takes aim at Baseball, what some people still refer to as America’s pastime.  The Machine refers to those people as losers.  We all know who rules our hearts and minds.  #NFL #51daystokickoff.

Anyway, back to the All-Star Game.  All-Star games, in general, are designed to be entertaining and fun; a chance to see the best of the best play against each other; to suspend rivalries for a night and just have some fun.  The Home Run Derby and Dunk Contest are perfect examples.  But the games themself?  Who cares?.  Can you really tell me who won last year’s All-Star Game?  How about the Pro-Bowl?  Of course not. 

In fact, viewership for last year’s MLB All-Star Game was at an all-time low.  We’re willing to bet that the Pro Bowl isn’t far behind.  Why do people not watch?  The answer is simple:  It’s meaningless.  But is it more than that?

Thom Loverro of The Atlantic argues that it is, and that the decline of the All-Star Game can be traced to two events:  the 1993 and 2002 All-Star Games.  In 1993, AL Manager Cito Gaston refused to pitch hometown All-Star Mike Mussina, thus enraging the Baltimore crowd and leading to a chorus of boos (and death threats for Cito).  In 2002, the game ended in a tie, as Bud Selig, seemingly making up rules on the fly, ended the game in the 11^th inning, and in so doing went against the time-honored American tradition of winning. 

The Machine’s not sure if these events caused the downfall of the All-Start Game (we frankly forgot about the ’93 drama), or simply added to what was already a declining product.  For sure, the 2002 All-Star Game exposed the complete ineptitude of Bud Selig, and Loverro’s right about the sad decline of the All-Star Game.  But the best was yet to come.

In an effort to increase the importance of the All-Star Game (read: get more people to watch so we can charge more for advertising) Bud Selig and the MLB Brass decided that the winning league of the All-Star Game will get home field advantage in the World Series.  Wait, what?  Yes, that’s right.  In a game where most people are giving 75% effort because they don’t want to get hurt (the days of Pete Rose sliding head first are long gone), the winning team decides who gets home field advantage in the World Series? 

For those of you that think home field advantage is not important, think again:  8 of the last 10 World Series have been won by the team with home field advantage.  It’s a big deal, which makes determining who gets it by a meaningless game in July all the more ridiculous.

What does the World Series have to do with the All-Star Game?  Sure, it’s the best way anyone from the Mets is going to influence the World Series, but that doesn’t mean it’s right.  Arbitrarily adding value where none exists is confusing and simply wrong.

The All-Star Game is kind of like the Iowa Caucus.  There’s a reason we let Iowa vote first in Presidential primaries:  they’re meaningless.  Seriously, we care about Iowa for about 6 minutes, then look at the calendar to see when the real states hold their primaries.  How’d Rick Santorum, winner of the 2012 Republican Iowa Caucus, do in the general election?  How about Mike Huckabee, the 2008 winner?  Exactly.  So imagine how dumb it would be if, to add importance to Iowa, the winners of the caucus became the Presidential nominees. 

Trying to add meaning to an otherwise meaningless game is beyond dumb.  And, let’s be honest:  All-Star games are completely meaningless. 

The NFL gets it, and is considering drastic changes to the Pro Bowl, including changing it to a skills competition or eliminating it completely.  The NBA gets it too, and puts more of an emphasis on the Dunk Contest and Skills Competition than the actual game.  Christ, even the NHL gets it; they’ve abandoned conference v. conference format and instead have team captains draft players (pretty cool idea, actually).  What do all these leagues have in common?  They’ve all assigned zero meaning to the actual game, and understand its purpose:  a fun, lighthearted, fan-friendly event.

But not Bud.  Bud believes the game has to count for something, in sharp contrast to his tee-ball tie of 2002.  And, if his goal is to make it meaningful so people will watch, he’s completely failed, because even though the game now has meaning, nobody watches. 

Look, Bud.  You tried.  However misguided, you tried to spice it up, but it didn’t work.  Now it’s time to spice it up again, but this time do it in a way that makes sense.  Take a page from the NHL and have a draft.  Have the fans vote for teams.  Have more skills competitions besides the Home Run Derby (fastest man, throwing competitions, etc.).  But determining home field advantage for the World Series is not it.  It makes zero sense, much like a Santorum Presidency.

Enjoy your teabag.

Colin Kaepernick wore a Dolphins hat.  This story is that simple.  While the rest of us were spending quality time with family and friends over the Fourth of July holiday, grilling, slamming beers, and wishing ‘Merica a Happy Birthday, Colin was violating the cardinal rule in pro sports:  Thou shalt not wear opposing team’s merchandise (pretty sure that’s one of the 10 Commandments).

Last season, The Machine had an exclusive view into the New School/Old School drama during the Kaepernick/Smith feud, and we learned all about Mr. Ball So Hard.  The young, hip, gunslinger who does what he wants, when he wants, and doesn’t give a fuck, because caring is for pussies like Alex Smith.  Ain’t no shame if you got game (C-Kap you should get that inked).  Colin backed up his actions on the field, captivated Niner Nation, led San Fran to the Super Bowl, and led Alex Smith right out the door.  The loyalty the fans have to Kaepernick now is cult-like.  He’s going to change the game.  The read option will no longer be a fad (note: it is a fad).  Yes, hopes and dreams are a post-Montana all-time high.  So what could go wrong?

So Colin was snapped wearing a Dolphins cap, and the picture (obviously) went viral.  So what?  No big deal.  All you do is simply say you were joking with some friends and put the hat on all in good fun, and maybe throw in some shit that you appreciate (sorry, got mad respect) for all NFL teams and players (sorry, playas or ballers).  Had you done that, everything would’ve died down quickly, and all would be forgotten.  But no.  Not Colin.  Not Mr. New Age Hipster.  Colin is part of the new generation of kids who were raised by parents who probably let him do whatever he wanted, never had to apologize for anything, and who refused to believe he could do anything wrong (“our little Collie would never do that.”). 

Proving that point, in response to the mobs of angry Niners fans who shell out thousands of dollars to see him play, Colin responded as follows: 

This the hat y’all mad at? I’m goin wear what I want regardless of what you think, all you need to worry about is the fact that I grind for my teammates and the 49ers! I plan on doin this until they won’t let me in the building! #ridiculous #y’allmustbebored”

First off, The Machine can’t tell if that’s how he really talks, or if he’s trying extra hard to be cool.  [Note: perhaps it’s a sign that The Machine is getting old, but we thought grind meant something totally different.]  We’re going to have to get up to speed with the lingo.

Second, really?  You’re going to pick this moment to send a big f-you to your fan base.  How about you wait until they’re riding your ass for having a bad game.  Then you can hit them with the old “I give you 100%” I mean “I grind for my teammates.”  You feeling me, brah? 

On Monday, after Colin [read: Niners PR Dept.] had time to think about his actions some more, he posted a picture of himself on his Instagram account wearing Nines gear, but he couldn’t help sending out a dig to the Niners faithful, tweeting:  “It’s just swag. It ain’t never hurt nobody.”  The Machine will look past the double negative, but that’s about all. 

For starters, doesn’t having an Instagram account negate your street cred?  “Yo playas, check out dis fresh Niners cap…and pictures of cats!”

What’s even more incredulous, is that there are folks in the media defending Karpernick’s actions.  Les Carpenter at Yahoo! Sports argues that Colin has the right to wear a Dolphins hat, and that team loyalty is a farce, especially considering as soon as he can no longer play QB at a high level, the Niners will dumb his ass.  Kevin Lynch goes one step further, saying that Colin “was right” for his go f yourself tweets to Niners fans.  Kevin also notes that Alex Smith used to wear a Padres hat (his favorite baseball team) until the San Francisco fans and media got on his case.  Then, he wore a Giants hat.  Ah, such simpler times.

Les is right that team loyalty is a farce.  NFL players are, in the eyes of NFL owners, replaceable widgets with a (short) shelf life.  They’re an investment, and as soon as that investment stops yeilding returns, it’s dumped.  However, both Les and Kevin are missing the point.  It’s not about team loyalty…it’s about fan loyalty.

As an NFL player, one thing you know is this:  NFL fans are bat-shit crazy.  Like Anna Benson crazy.  Like getting tattoos of team mascots, converting school buses into mobile man-caves, and getting married in the stadium parking lot at halftime so you can catch the third quarter crazy.  To see their star player wearing an opposing team’s hat is an act of defiance, treason, and blasphemy.  It’s just something you don’t do.

This rule applies more so if you’re the quarterback, the leader of the team.  Obviously, the NFL old guard (Brady, Brees, any Manning) understands this rule, and even some of the new guys (Luck, RGIII, Russell Wilson) get it.  But Colin clearly does not.  His Allen Iverson “we talkin’ ‘bout practice” approach to quarterbacking won’t cut it.  As the quarterback, it’s not just how you perform on Sunday (sorry, how you ball).  You are the face of the franchise, the person the team builds around.  You are held to a higher standard.

And the media coddling him and explaining away his douchness isn’t going to help him change.  They should be riding his ass, not apologizing for him like a suburban helicopter parent (“it’s the teacher’s fault he’s not paying attention”). 

Colin:  man up, brah.  Your brashness on the field cannot transfer over to the fans off it.  You can still play your way AND show some humility…they’re not mutually exclusive.  Granted, as soon as you torch Green Bay at home in Week 1, all will be forgotten.  The problem is if you don’t get the Niners back to the Super Bowl (and win).  Then no one will forget.

Enjoy your teabag, beyotch, and get rid of your Instagram account. #lame #youlovecats

You knew this was coming.  Like driving by a car accident, it’s horrible yet you can’t help but look.  We knew this was tea-baggable weeks ago, before any of the facts were revealed.  So many questions are racing through your mind.  How?  Why?  Didn’t he just sign a $40 Million Dollar contract?  But if you’re like The Machine, the one question that keeps coming back to you is:

There are gangs in Bristol, Connecticut?

Really?

The Machine’s been to Connecticut plenty of times.  It’s one big affluent suburb, complete with spoiled kids who think they’re cool (and from NYC).  They’re hip, right now they are probably listening to dubstep or rap (but only the popular songs).  “Can I get a….”  The tint on the windows of their Saab 9-5 is not legal.  They all go to a snobby, private liberal arts college (Middlebury), the men have at least two pairs of capri pants, and the women judge you based on which boarding school you went to.  And everyone pretends Hartford doesn’t exist. 

But Thuglife?  In Connecticut?  Have the Crips taken over Greenwich Village?  And Bristol of all places.  Home of ESPN, the worldwide leader in sports.  The Machine thought the worst thing that happens in Bristol is the Rick Reilly poetry slam at Starbucks.

Anyway, back to Hernandez.  We know he’s innocent until proven guilty (just kidding, he did that shit).  But doing the crime doesn’t automatically result in doing the time (right, Juice?).  Eventually though, you’ll probably end up in jail (right, Juice?).  FYI, the prosecution better come up with a better motive than “he talked to the wrong people three days ago” or else Aaron stands a chance of walking a free man. 

Regardless of the outcome of the trial, Hernandez deserves everything coming to him, including his release by the Pats and the (re)digging into his past.  The guy’s a scumbag, plain and simple.  There were character issues coming out of college, that’s why he slipped from the first round to the fourth.  You thought he turned a corner with his recent comments about becoming a father and signing his new contract for a boatload of cash.  But Biggie was right:  Mo’ money, mo’ problems. 

Aaron clearly has never watched a Law and Order SVU marathon, for if he did, he’d know that destroying your security tapes and cellphone doesn’t really destroy it, and that dumping a body a mile from your house doesn’t really throw the scent off.  Anyone else find it ironic that his own security cameras are being used against him?

And while Aaron is absolutely worthy of a teabag, the media’s circus is also worthy.  Jason Whitlock argues the Patriots should have known Aaron was capable of murder.  Saying the Patriots should have known he was going to kill someone because of his character issues in college is completely asinine.  Prior to last week, he’d never been arrested, and his character issues included smoking week and getting kicked out of bars (if that’s the case 99% of all college students are going to kill someone).  No, you cannot extrapolate what happened two weeks ago from his past. 

And let’s get another thing straight too:  The NFL does not have a gun problem.  Gangs have a gun problem, but not the NFL.  Because one player was (allegedly) in a gang and (allegedly, albeit probably) killed someone, doesn’t and shouldn’t cast a cloud on the entire league.  If that’s the case, all teachers sleep with their students, all financial investors run Ponzi schemes, and all strippers have daddy issues (ok so 2 out of 3 ain’t bad).

Point is:  there are assholes in every profession.  There are crooked cops, dirty politicians, and drug dealing stay at home moms.  Why should professional athletes be any different? 

What people need to accept is that being a professional athlete is just like any other profession.  Just because they are well paid doesn’t put them above a DWI or fighting a bouncer at a strip club, or the occasional lapse in child support payments.  It makes them incredibly stupid (and tea-baggable), as the risks they take in engaging in that behavior is magnified given their public persona. 

But Machine, you say, 27 players have been arrested since the Super Bowl.  Doesn’t that mean the NFL is out of control?  No, what that means is things are improving.  As our good friends at Deadspin point out, the rate of criminal activity in the NFL has sharply decreased.  In 2006, 68 players were arrested.  Since then, crime has dropped nearly 40%, and only 2.8% of NFL players commit crimes (compared with 10.8% of all males age 22-34).

Not by coincidence, but 2006 is the year Roger Goodell took over as league Commissioner.  Player conduct has been one of his main goals, and thus far he has succeeded.  People complain that he’s too heavy-handed and dictatorial in meriting out punishment, but it’s working.  Sure, there are always going to be people who don’t get it (see Aaron Hernandez, Josh Brent, Titus Young, and Pacman Jones) and never will.  But the average NFL player is a good dude, despite what the media will have you believe.

When Larry Fitzgerald and Eli Manning start throwing up gang signs, then the NFL has a gun problem.  Until then, some DUIs, bar fights, and a selfie of a wannabe college thug holding a gun and being charged with murder isn’t enough to discredit the entire league, and certainly isn’t enough to discredit the work that RGI has done in cleaning up the league. 

What’s mind-blowing to most people is that there is any crime by professional athletes.  It’s true, these guys are rich, young, and successful; are glorified by the cities they play in (except Mark Sanchez), their alma maters, and their hometowns.  They have the world by the balls.  What could possibly lead them to commit a crime?  But that’s a question for Outside the Lines (you feeling us Bob Lee, get us on your show).

But let’s bring it back to the man of the hour.  We’re not sure Aaron gets out of this one (the circumstantial evidence is strong).  If not murder, he’ll get convicted of a lesser charge.  Either way:  he’s doing time, and he destroyed what was a promising career. 

We hope in your one hour of free time a day you’re able to log on to The Machine. 

Enjoy your teabag.

What is it about athletes that make them completely self-absorbed assholes?  Is it the unlimited amounts of fame, power, and money?  Rhetorical question (note: if The Machine had unlimited amounts of fame, power, and money, we’d be even bigger d-bags).  Also, why do they think they’re experts on everything, and can say and do whatever they want with no repercussions?  Probably that whole fame, power, and money thing, plus the fact that no one ever tells them no. 

Did anyone think Lenny Dykstra’s investment management business was going to succeed?  How about Curt Schilling’s video game company?  Should Michael Jordan be making high-level basketball decisions (two words:  Kwame Brown), and what the fuck is Dennis Rodman doing in North Korea?  Update:  Lenny just got released from prison for serving time for bankruptcy fraud, Curt’s video game company, 38 Studios, has declared bankruptcy, MJ continues to run the Charlotte Bobcats into the ground (seriously, just look at their roster), and the Worm…well, he just may be brokering a peace treaty with Kim Jung-un.

What’s next?  Well, The Machine’s hoping to add “Slap a Ho:  A Guide to Finding Mrs. Right” by Pacman Jones to our summer reading list. 

Anywho, it’s this total lack of self-awareness that brings Serena Williams into our crosshairs.  Serena is currently the best women’s tennis player on the planet, and will likely go down as one of the all-time greats (she’s an obvious Top 5 and likely Top 3).  But her success on the court has not translated to success off the court.  In fact, off the court she’s a hot mess.  Recently, she sat down for an interview with Rolling Stone, where she let loose on a barrage of crazy talk.  Here’s her comments on the Steubenville Rape Case. 

“Do you think it was fair, what they [the convicted rapists] got?  They did something stupid, but I don’t know.  I’m not blaming the girl, but if you’re a 16-year-old and you’re drunk like that, your parents should teach you:  Don’t take drinks from other people.  She’s 16, why was she that drunk where she doesn’t remember?  It could have been much worse.  She’s lucky.  Obviously, I don’t know, maybe she wasn’t a virgin, but she shouldn’t have put herself in that position, unless they slipped her something, then that’s different.”

First of all, what the what?  Did you just say the 16 year old rape victim was lucky and put herself in that situation?  Wow.  Obviously, this was instantly met with harsh criticism, forcing her into spin mode, where she issued an “apology” which of course means she didn’t apologize at all, saying:  “What was written — what I supposedly said — is insensitive and hurtful, and I by no means would say or insinuate that she was at all to blame.”  Notice the complete dickishness of this apology.  What she supposedly said?  Did she say it or not?  This is the typical athlete “taken out of context” “I’m sorry for getting caught and not what I did” apology.  It rings completely hollow.  Note:  Serena (read: her PR team) has since issued a second apology, this time a real one, and she also reached out to the victim and her family (a well-orchestrated, albeit completely transparent, PR move).  Sorry, too little too late.  As a general rule, if you have to apologize two times for the same thing, you really fucked up. 

In the same interview, Serena also imparted some relationship advice.  This is where the story gets good, and by good, we mean Jerry Springer good.  Referring to Maria Sharapova (who’s dating Serena’s ex), Serena’s claws came out.  “She begins every interview with `I’m so happy. I’m so lucky’ – it’s so boring. She’s still not going to be invited to the cool parties. And, hey, if she wants to be with the guy with a black heart, go for it.”

Meow!  Bitter much?  You’re the best tennis player in the world, yet you just went high school drama on another girl.  And, not get invited to the cool parties?  Really?  You’re a Jehovah’s witness and don’t drink, we’re pretty sure the parties you’re at aren’t cool.

Sharapova, who’s a diva in her own right, did not take the comments lightly.  Maria upped the bitchy high school girl fight and called out Serena for playing homewrecker.  Watch it here.  “If she wants to talk about something personal, maybe she should talk about her relationship and her boyfriend that was married and is getting a divorce and has kids.”  We were waiting for the Wimbledon press corps to bust out the “Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!”

Oh hell no.  So you’re banging your (married) tennis coach, yet find it appropriate to comment on who other people are dating?  This is the height of the self-absorbed athlete that thinks they are above reproach.  In response, Serena suddenly got quiet, saying that “I definitely like to keep my personal life personal.”  Oh, so go ahead and shine the spotlight on other people’s personal lives (and a 16-year-old rape victim), but when the light comes back on you, suddenly it’s a private matter.

Look, if we want tips on how to rip a forehand winner, or blast a serve, we’ll go right to you.  But please, know your roll.  Because you’re good at tennis doesn’t make you an expert off the court, certainly not as a rape crisis counselor and definitely not a relationship expert, particularly given your recent family intervention skills (here’s hoping the US Open crowd chants “homewrecker”…we’d say Wimbledon but the Brits are too high brow for that).  Perhaps they’ll chant [cue: snobbish British voice] “Dwelling Disturber.”

The problem, however, is this:  we love it when athletes do this.  It sells magazines and creates headlines.  It makes us think:  hey, they’re just like us.  So the next time you’re up in the tree spying on your ex having dinner or washing her hair, relax, and take comfort that there are professional athletes doing the same thing.  So, I guess we’re somewhat to blame for encouraging this behavior. 

When will it stop?  Never.  We just pre-ordered our copy of “Slap a Ho.”

Enjoy your teabag.

The Machine’s back with a fully loaded Tuesday Teabag.  So many newsworthy stories.  HMTs (Honorable Mention Teabags) go to Phil Mickleson for ripping our hearts out and ruining our Father’s Day (again).  FYI, The Machine LOVES Lefty, and we’ll always pull for him.  Also, Aaron Hernandez.  The Machine’s not quite sure exactly what happened, but there’s a dead body near his house and the po-po in his driveway.  Not the best offseason for him.  Stay tuned.

But this weeks’ Tuesday Teabag goes to Lolo Jones.  We thought Lolo used her 15 minutes of fame with her two (failed) Olympics and constant talk of her virginity and Christian values, all the while posing seductively for the camera.  But apparently, she didn’t get the memo.  For those of you who aren’t familiar with Lolo, click here.  She’s an Olympic hurdler and sprinter, and has made a lot of money in endorsements, whose company logos are prominently displayed on her website.  However, one little problem:  she’s not really good.  Although favored to win in both the Beijing and London Olympics, she failed to win a medal, yet still dominated the headlines with her uncanny ability to make everyone look at her all the time.  Did I mention she’s hot?  This angered other members of the U.S. Women’s Track and Field Team, who actually did win medals yet were overshadowed by Lolo and her antics. 

In her latest effort to reinvent (read: draw attention) to herself, Lolo decided to try her hand in the Winter Olympics by becoming a member of the U.S. Women’s Bobsled Team.  Fine.  She’s obviously a talented athlete, and if you she can make the team, more power to her.  However, Lolo’s problem is that it’s never about the sport.  It’s all about her.  She’s the J-lo of women’s athletics.  But that’s not really fair to J-lo…even J-lo had some hits (we loved her in Maid in Manhattan).  Lolo is just a (very) attractive athlete and, in the world of sports, especially women’s sports, beauty trumps talent.

So how was her Diva approach to sports going to work in a sport whose athletes are nameless and humble?  Exactly like you thought it would.  On Monday, Lolo dipped into her bag of “look at me” tricks and tweeted a video showing her paycheck from the U.S. Bobsled Team for $741.86.  “Seven months with bobsled season.  The whole season.  That’s it.” she bemoans, adding, “I’m going to be a little late on my rent this month.”

Clearly, no one’s getting rich by bobsledding.  We think the average bobsledder actually works at Home Depot.  They are nameless athletes that have little to no endorsements, and train non-stop for a chance every four years to make the Olympics.  No, a sport like bobsledding, people do it for the love of the sport.  Except if you’re Lolo.  Then you do it for the love of yourself. 

Not surprisingly, Lolo’s insulting comments were not well received by her bobsledding companions.  “It wasn’t taken very well,” Steve Holcomb (the MJ of U.S Bobsledding) understatedly said to USA Today. “People were really kind of insulted. You just made $741, more than most athletes in the sport. So what are you complaining about?”

Exactly.  What is she complaining about?  It’s simple.  In track and field, she gets all the

attention and multi-million dollar endorsements, even if she doesn’t perform well at the Olympics.  She dominates the headlines, and loves to stoke the fire by (tastefully) poseing nude while telling the world how proud she is to be a virgin and a Christian.  She’s as annoying about this as Tim Tebow.  Actually, she’s a lot like Tebow.

So, imagine her horror when she announces her bobsledding plan and it’s met with crickets.  No one cares.  Why?  Because you can’t wear a bikini in bobsledding. 

Looks can only carry you so far, even in our image-obsessed culture.  You are super-hot but also super-annoying, and, without any real success, that act gets tired (see Tim Tebow).  You want to get back in The Machine’s good graces?  Shut your mouth, make the Olympic bobsled team, and win a medal.  It’s that simple.  No more interviews about the “gift” you want to give your husband, or how it’s so hard to find a guy that doesn’t want to have sex (newsflash, like Bigfoot and nutritious fast-food, that doesn’t exist).  Just shut up and play.

However, given her past, that will be difficult, if not impossible, to achieve.  At 30 years old, it will be hard for her to get back to the Summer Olympics, so this may be her last chance at Olympic success.  If she fails, she’ll have to go back to the drawing board for attention.  Having no Olympics to draw attention to her, she’ll have to resort to other means.  The Machine’s money is that she’ll pose for Playboy, which is totally fine.  The pictures don’t talk.

Enjoy your teabag.

Did you happen to fall into a month long coma?  Well, The Machine’s here to say congrats on waking up…and don’t worry, if you’re an NBA fan, you didn’t miss much.  We’re just getting underway with the conference finals (as The Machine types this, Game 2 of the Western Conference Finals is underway and the Eastern Conference Finals begins tomorrow).  One question:  are you kidding me?

The NBA Playoffs have been going on for more than a month, and we’re not even in the finals yet.  Not only is the outcome completely predetermined (come on son, you know the Heat are going to win), but each series stretches out so long that you lose interest…not to mention that the product itself is quite painful to watch (how much ISO can one man take?).

But Machine, you may say, can’t that be because each round is a best of 7 series, and these games have been so competitive that they’ve gone the distance?  Good thought, we’d say, and then would point out this:  of the 12 playoff series so far, only one, Brooklyn/Chicago, went the distance.  If that game seems like it was played weeks ago, it’s because it was.

The first game of the playoffs was played on April 20 (was it intentional or a coincidence that the playoffs started on 4/20…NBA players smoke tons of weed, get it).  Think of everything that’s happened between now and then:  the Draft, the IRS Scandal, Titus Young got arrested 3times (there’s still plenty of time for a 4^th before the playoffs are over). 

The Machine, way back on April 22^nd, gave its expert advice on the playoffs.  Not to gloat, but our Heat/Spurs prediction looks pretty damn good.  We also gave some sage advice regarding the playoffs:  don’t watch it.  There is no reason for the NBA to stretch out each series (other than trying to maximize ad revenue by having games on weekends and prime time weeknights).  This conduct shouldn’t be rewarded. 

Here’s an example of the absurdity:  Knicks/Celtics Round 1.  Game 1 (at MSG) on Saturday.  Game 2 (still at MSG) on Tuesday.  Why do you need two full days off when there’s no travel?  Granted, there’s a lot of sight seeing to do in New York, but come on.  Those games should be played back-to-back.  It’s even more absurd for traveling.  Another example: Knicks/Pacers Round 2, Game 2 (at MSG) on Tuesday, Game 3 (in Indy) on Saturday.  Did they ride bikes from NYC to Indiana? 

But Machine, you may say, these are professional athletes and they play so hard that they need a lot of rest.  Whoop, Whoop, Whoop…hear that noise kids, it’s our Bullshit-dar, and it’s off the hook.  Playing basketball may be tough, but there’s no way basketball is more demanding than say…hockey.

Consider this, in the Bruins/Maple Leafs series (which went the distance and was an exciting series, btw, easily more compellig than any NBA series thus far) Games 5, 6, and 7 were played on Friday (in Boston), Sunday (in Toronto), and Monday (in Boston), respectively.  They played 3 games in four days, and traveled between each game.  There is no way you can (correctly) argue that basketball is more demanding than hockey.  Hockey is one of the most physically demanding sports there is, and these guys are playing on back to back nights with travel!

Perhaps what we’re most upset about is the quality of the play (as we type this, the Spurs take a 15 point halftime lead).  The Machine could possibly live with long, drawn out series if they were entertaining.  But this is anything but…despite the media’s attempt to make these games appear interesting.

Remember (way back) when Chicago beat Miami in Game 1?  Everyone jumped on the Bulls bandwagon, and suddenly everyone saw that holes in the Heat.  Anyone remember what happened the next 4 games…the Heat completely smoked the Bulls, winning Games 2-5 by an average of more than 17 points…including a 37 point beat down in Game 2.  Get ready for another double digit snooze fest as the Heat take on the Pacers.  Sorry Frank Vogel, the Heat are not just another team…they’re the 96’ Bulls reincarnate, and you’re about to find that out first hand.

There’s absolutely no reason why the NBA Playoffs is stretched out over two months, making it easily the longest postseason event in all of sports.  Christ, even baseball has a shorter playoff schedule.  Considering more people watch the Draft than the NBA Finals (the NFL is rumored to be moving the Draft to May right in the middle of the NBA playoffs) the NBA needs to change something or else risk further erosion from fan involvement.  The NBA needs to create more excitement and buzz for the playoffs.  Condensing the playing schedule is one way to do that.  Sure, it’s not going to help the quality of play, but at least it will be over quicker.

Considering falling back into another month long coma?  Go ahead; you already know what’s going to happen, and you’ll still wake up in time to catch the finals. 

Enjoy your teabag.

Apologies to Cliff Harris and Titus Young.  Their combined 6 arrests in the past 10 days is impressive, and normally would result in a teabag…but they’ll have to settle for an HMT this week.  Don’t worry fellas, The Machine’s pretty sure you’re not off our teabag radar just yet, although you might both be off the NFL’s radar. 

No, this week we focus on the gentlemen’s game and none other than Sergio Garcia.  When you look at the whole picture, Sergio’s got a pretty good thing going.  He’s a superstar on the PGA tour and European tour, makes a ton of cash, usually around the Top 10, and we’re guessing he doesn’t have trouble with the ladies.  And, off the course, he seems like a pretty cool guy.  For all those awesome things, there’s this little nugget:  he chokes under pressure and on the course he’s a spoiled, temperamental, diva who can’t get out of his own and will blame others for his shortcomings.  He clearly owns the title of “Best Player never to win a Major” and, from what happened on Sunday at Sawgrass, he ain’t giving that up anytime soon.

As I’m sure you’ve seen, Sergio was in the final pairing on Sunday, tied for the lead with Tiger Woods on the second to last hole at -13.  Tiger was on 18 and would finish his round at -13.  Things were looking good.  If Sergio could par the last two holes, he’d force a playoff with Woods…given the history between these two and what happened on Saturday (keep reading) pairing these two in a playoff would be epic.  If he could birdie 17 or 18, he’d win the tournament, and in the process go a long way towards shaking the choker label.  What happened next is unbelievable.

Tee shot on the par 3, 17…splash.  The crowd was stunned.  Not to worry, it’s a par 3.  If he can get up and down, take bogey 4, he could still birdie 18 and force a playoff.  However, Sergio went full Sergio.  Second tee shot…splash, into the water again.  An eerie silence fell over the crowd, nobody could believe what they were witnessing.  Sergio finally got his third tee shot on the green, then two putt for a 7, dropping him all the way back to -9, and ensuring another defeat on the big stage.

To make matters worse, he still had the 18^th hole to play.  Could there be a bigger walk of shame?  His tee shot on 18?  Dead hook into the water…Sergio ended up with a double bogey 6. 

Consider this:  for the first 70 holes of the tournament, Sergio was -13.  For the last two, +6.  Tiger Woods would go on to win the tournament, his fourth of the year already, firmly re-establishing himself as golf’s greatest.  And this is where the story gets interesting.

In Saturday’s round, Tiger and Sergio were paired together.  Two superstars that obviously would draw the biggest crowd.  They also don’t like each other, a feud going back to the early 2000’s.  On the second hole, as Sergio was about to take his approach shot, commotion came from the crowd on the other side of the fairway as he was in the middle of his backswing.  He shanked the shot, bogeyed the hole, and immediately looked to his left to where Tiger was.  Tiger had pulled out his club [insert sex scandal joke here] which elicited a (roar if you’re Sergio, slight kerfuffle if you’re Tiger) from the crowd.  Seriously?  You guys cheer when he pulls out a 3 wood?  How pathetic are golf crowds?  Anyway, Tiger claims the marshal told him Sergio had already hit…we now know that to be false because the marshal said he never talked to Tiger.  So, either (a) Tiger assumed he had hit, (b) didn’t think about it because he could care less about Sergio, or (c) intentionally pulled out his club at the exact moment Sergio started his backswing, knowing that doing so would elicit a roar/slight kerfuffle from the crowd.  A and b seems the most plausible.

Either way, as soon as that happened, The Machine knew there was no way Sergio would win.  If you listened to his comments after the third round, whining about how Tiger ruined his round, you knew there was no chance he’d pull it together on Sunday.  Tiger had gotten into his head.  The collapse was inevitable.

And that’s the enigma of Sergio.  Wildly talented, successful, and popular, he’s won his share of tournaments, and is highly regarded as a great player.  This year, he’s played in 8 events, earned an impressive $1.3 million, but won none of them.  And that sums up Sergio’s career perfectly.  He’ll play well enough to finish in the Top 10, and may sneak out a win here or there.  However, when it’s crunch time at a big tournament, forget about it…The Machine and its 20+ handicap may as well be playing the final round.  He’s got the biggest case of the yips on the tour. 

He’s 33 now…no longer the carefree kid that burst on the tour stage a dozen plus years ago.  While there’s still time left to win a major (Jack won one at 46) he’s going to have to find some way to not go mental on Sunday.  Until that happens, he’s likely never to win a big one.  But he will forever have the distinction of the first golfer ever to win a teabag.

This week, our prestigious Teabag award goes to Gary Washburn of the Boston Globe.  (are we wrong to think that the Tuesday Teabag is slowing gaining steam as a legitimate sports award?).  Perhaps that was a dream The Machine had.  Or was that when we broke up with Kate Upton because she was too needy?  Anyway, let’s get right to it.

Don’t know who Gary Washburn is?  Don’t worry, he’s on minute 13 of his 15 minutes of fame.  Gary’s a sports writer for the Boston Globe, who, on Monday, came out and acknowledged that he didn’t vote for Lebron James to win the MVP award.  On its face no big deal, until you consider that, out of the 121 people that voted for the NBA MVP, 120 of them voted for Lebron.  Only our man Gary, who voted for Carmelo Anthony, thought that Lebron wasn’t MVP worthy.

Say what you want about Bron Bron…he selfishly took his talents to south beach, shunned his hometown, irretrievably sentenced the Cavs to a lifetime of horrible basketball (don’t worry Cleveland fans, you have the Browns to lift your spirits up…err, never mind), and destroyed NBA parity by starting the trend of “superteams” that will kill/are killing small market clubs.  All those things may be true, but so is this:  he is, by far, the most dominant player in the NBA.  The gap between Lebron and the next in line (Melo, Durant, Kobe) is huge, and that’s not a knock against those guys…it’s just a testament as to how complete of a player Lebron is. 

The rest of the sports world, at least the 120 that voted for MVP, knew this hands down.  Lebron would have (and should have) been the first player ever to unanimously win the MVP, except for Gary and his puzzling pick of Carmelo.  On Monday, Washburn wrote an article defending his decision to pick Melo.  This got our bullshit-dar buzzing, and, when The Machine’s Research Department actually read Washburn’s article, our bullshit-dar was off the charts.

First, did any of the other 120 voters have to write an article justifying their MVP decision?  Of course not.  Second, Washburn begins his article by noting that Lebron “unquestionably is the best player in the game” and is “on a Michael Jordan scale.” Huh?  Not to state the obvious, but if someone is unquestionably the best player in the game, shouldn’t that make them the MVP?  Well, according to Washburn, there’s a difference between the best player and the most valuable player, and Melo “meant more to his team.”  That reasoning is severely flawed.  The notion that the MVP award is something different than the best player is just stupid.  Of course the best player in the league is the most valuable.  Equally stupid is the quality of the team.  So because Lebron’s on a better team should devalue his accomplishments?  That would relegate the MVP award to the best player (sorry, most valuable player) on a mediocre team.  Steph Curry means more to Golden State than Lebron does to Miami (and more than Melo means to the Knicks) so why not Curry for MVP?  And what about Kobe?  With Kobe, the Lakers clawed their way back into the playoffs.  Without Kobe, the Lakers got obliterated by San Antonio in the first round. 

Third, Washburn goes out of his way to convince readers that there’s no Lebron conspiracy, stating eloquently that “this was no Lebron conspiracy”, as if saying it will help you to believe it.  And perhaps that’s what gets the Machine’s bullshit-day up the most. 

It’s not so much that Washburn voted for someone else, but who he voted for, that feeds into the conspiracy.  The Machine doesn’t generally subscribe to conspiracy theories (except that (a) the government “fluoridated” our water for purposes of mind control, (b) the feds want to take all our guns to secretly further Obama’s Muslim socialist agenda, and (c) Elvis and Tupac are alive and well, but are being held by the government until music is once again good) but this one’s got some legs to it. 

Think about it.  What better cover for a Boston sports writer than to vote for someone from New York?  As a general rule of life, Boston hates New York (feeling’s mutual pricks), so if a Boston writer voted for a New York athlete, it must be legit, right?  They must have objectively looked at every other option before being resigned to vote for a Knick.  By voting for Carmelo, Washburn gave himself an absolute cover.  He couldn’t be charged with being a homer, and he can deflect the Lebron conspiracy by saying he voted for his most hated rival.

But the Machine is calling bullshit.  Lebron Conspiracy theorists unite!  It all makes sense, just like the second gunman on the grassy knoll.  Boston (yes, the entire City) was pissed that Miami “stole” Ray Allen from them this year (disregard the fact that Ray chose to come to Miami and took less money to play for the Heat).  Still stinging from the loss of Ray, and watching their old Celtics get older, what better way to send the ultimate “FU” than by voting for anyone but Lebron, ensuring he’d be denied basketball immortality by becoming the first unanimous MVP.  And then top it all off with a self-serving cover your ass article that reeks of desperation.  The argument for Melo is so weak, and the myriad of compliments you bestow on Lebron indicate that you know that.

Usually, reasonable minds can differ, especially with sports.  But not this time…and while your article may fool some (read: everyone in Boston) you can’t fool The Machine.  We know a bitter sports fan when we see one. 

Enjoy your teabag.