It would’ve been a lot more historic if Gary wasn’t such a d-bag.

This week, our prestigious Teabag award goes to Gary Washburn of the Boston Globe.  (are we wrong to think that the Tuesday Teabag is slowing gaining steam as a legitimate sports award?).  Perhaps that was a dream The Machine had.  Or was that when we broke up with Kate Upton because she was too needy?  Anyway, let’s get right to it.

Don’t know who Gary Washburn is?  Don’t worry, he’s on minute 13 of his 15 minutes of fame.  Gary’s a sports writer for the Boston Globe, who, on Monday, came out and acknowledged that he didn’t vote for Lebron James to win the MVP award.  On its face no big deal, until you consider that, out of the 121 people that voted for the NBA MVP, 120 of them voted for Lebron.  Only our man Gary, who voted for Carmelo Anthony, thought that Lebron wasn’t MVP worthy.

Say what you want about Bron Bron…he selfishly took his talents to south beach, shunned his hometown, irretrievably sentenced the Cavs to a lifetime of horrible basketball (don’t worry Cleveland fans, you have the Browns to lift your spirits up…err, never mind), and destroyed NBA parity by starting the trend of “superteams” that will kill/are killing small market clubs.  All those things may be true, but so is this:  he is, by far, the most dominant player in the NBA.  The gap between Lebron and the next in line (Melo, Durant, Kobe) is huge, and that’s not a knock against those guys…it’s just a testament as to how complete of a player Lebron is. 

The rest of the sports world, at least the 120 that voted for MVP, knew this hands down.  Lebron would have (and should have) been the first player ever to unanimously win the MVP, except for Gary and his puzzling pick of Carmelo.  On Monday, Washburn wrote an article defending his decision to pick Melo.  This got our bullshit-dar buzzing, and, when The Machine’s Research Department actually read Washburn’s article, our bullshit-dar was off the charts.

First, did any of the other 120 voters have to write an article justifying their MVP decision?  Of course not.  Second, Washburn begins his article by noting that Lebron “unquestionably is the best player in the game” and is “on a Michael Jordan scale.” Huh?  Not to state the obvious, but if someone is unquestionably the best player in the game, shouldn’t that make them the MVP?  Well, according to Washburn, there’s a difference between the best player and the most valuable player, and Melo “meant more to his team.”  That reasoning is severely flawed.  The notion that the MVP award is something different than the best player is just stupid.  Of course the best player in the league is the most valuable.  Equally stupid is the quality of the team.  So because Lebron’s on a better team should devalue his accomplishments?  That would relegate the MVP award to the best player (sorry, most valuable player) on a mediocre team.  Steph Curry means more to Golden State than Lebron does to Miami (and more than Melo means to the Knicks) so why not Curry for MVP?  And what about Kobe?  With Kobe, the Lakers clawed their way back into the playoffs.  Without Kobe, the Lakers got obliterated by San Antonio in the first round. 

Third, Washburn goes out of his way to convince readers that there’s no Lebron conspiracy, stating eloquently that “this was no Lebron conspiracy”, as if saying it will help you to believe it.  And perhaps that’s what gets the Machine’s bullshit-day up the most. 

It’s not so much that Washburn voted for someone else, but who he voted for, that feeds into the conspiracy.  The Machine doesn’t generally subscribe to conspiracy theories (except that (a) the government “fluoridated” our water for purposes of mind control, (b) the feds want to take all our guns to secretly further Obama’s Muslim socialist agenda, and (c) Elvis and Tupac are alive and well, but are being held by the government until music is once again good) but this one’s got some legs to it. 

Think about it.  What better cover for a Boston sports writer than to vote for someone from New York?  As a general rule of life, Boston hates New York (feeling’s mutual pricks), so if a Boston writer voted for a New York athlete, it must be legit, right?  They must have objectively looked at every other option before being resigned to vote for a Knick.  By voting for Carmelo, Washburn gave himself an absolute cover.  He couldn’t be charged with being a homer, and he can deflect the Lebron conspiracy by saying he voted for his most hated rival.

But the Machine is calling bullshit.  Lebron Conspiracy theorists unite!  It all makes sense, just like the second gunman on the grassy knoll.  Boston (yes, the entire City) was pissed that Miami “stole” Ray Allen from them this year (disregard the fact that Ray chose to come to Miami and took less money to play for the Heat).  Still stinging from the loss of Ray, and watching their old Celtics get older, what better way to send the ultimate “FU” than by voting for anyone but Lebron, ensuring he’d be denied basketball immortality by becoming the first unanimous MVP.  And then top it all off with a self-serving cover your ass article that reeks of desperation.  The argument for Melo is so weak, and the myriad of compliments you bestow on Lebron indicate that you know that.

Usually, reasonable minds can differ, especially with sports.  But not this time…and while your article may fool some (read: everyone in Boston) you can’t fool The Machine.  We know a bitter sports fan when we see one. 

Enjoy your teabag.