Tuesday Teabag, September 3, 2013 – Surprise, it’s not Johnny Football!

In fact, this weeks Teabag Award(s) goes to all the Manziel haterz!  The little kids in our off-shore factory will be working OT this week to keep up with the orders! Quite frankly there are too many names to name in this mess (I’m looking at you Mark May, Brian Urlacher, Jessie Palmer…and hell, the NCAA while I’m at it). 

Watching the post-game talking heads rant on about how awful Johnny Manziel is you’d think he just sucker-punched a cop, dropped some angel-dust with Aaron Hernandez, or tried to decapitate another player on the field.  It got to the point where even The Machine had to unplug from the vitriol and angst being shot Manziel’s way, and we love a good verbal beat down, hello!  But with Manziel you can’t unplug and make it go away. Nay, Johnny Manziel is a SportsCenter-scroll sensation!  A television-ratings goldmine!  A merchandise-moving machine!  An NCAA needle-mover!  He is the guy that can make ESPN say “Tim Tebow who”?!…..Oh and he is also a hell of a football player.  Christ, his nickname is Johnny Football after all! 

For those of you living under a rock (or worse, on some shitty family camping trip without WIFI) here is a recap of this weekends highlights: (bang it here to read about Johnny’s offseason awesomeness) After serving his joke one-half suspension -more on that in a minute- Johnny entered the third quarter and made short order of the Rice defense; moving the ball and scoring at will (3 TD’s on 6 completions…pretty efficient).  He also gave us these on-the-field celebrations/taunts: 


People were quick to pile on Johnny saying he didn’t learn anything from his one-half game suspension.  Umm, maybe because a one-half game suspension is a fucking joke?!  Seriously NCAA, this is a new low, even for you dirt bags.  Suspending a guy for half a game is like telling somebody they can watch a movie, but not the credits.  Why not just bench him from some first-team practice reps?  He either did or didn’t break one of your law or by-laws, right?  Why not give him a real suspension to think about, say 4 games.  Oh, that’s right, because you NEED Johnny to grab ratings.  Otherwise, who is tuning in to watch Rice football?!  Hell, the alumni can barely stomach watching them play.  The Machine wasn’t the least bit surprised by your faux-suspension, after all you are the weasels that rake in billions of dollars annually and won’t give these kids a small stipend for putting their careers on the line each time they step out on the field.  How ridiculous is the notion that Jadeveon Clowney has to pay for his own injury-insurance policy.  This is a page right out of your lets suspend 5 Ohio State players next year, because we (read: our sponsors) really want/need them to play in the Bowl Game!  Oh how the Machine yearns for the day when these football conferences get fed up with your shit and decide they no longer need you! 

The second form of Manziel-hating seems to be rooted in the fact that Johnny Football isn’t who you want Johnny Football to be.  He isn’t who you think you would be if you had his insane skill set, and that drives you crazy.  That’s why The Machine is calling foul on you Manziel haters.  Comments like those made by Mark May, and we quote:

 “that penalty is going to hurt them down the road….if you do something like that against an Alabama, against an LSU, against a team that is a much better opponent than Rice that’s gotta cost,  could cost you a ballgame and a chance for a national championship.”

Please.  Granted the last of Mr. Football’s antics, albeit the one proceeded with a touchdown pass, drew an unsportsmanlike-like penalty, but it didn’t alter the game one iota.  Was it cheap? You bet.  Did it cost his team the game?  Not in the least!  But the argument being drawn is that if Johnny’s attitude goes unchecked he will draw one of these penalties in a close game, against a top flight (translation: SEC) opponent, and it will somehow take points off the board and cause his team to lose.  First, I’m going to need that scenario to actually play out before I go ahead and crush him for it.  Second, the only reason that A&M is in the National Championship discussion is because of Manziel.  Football is the ultimate team sport, but in college even more so than the pros certain players win Championships.  The 2010 Auburn Tigers don’t win a Championship without Cam Newton.  The same goes for the 2007 LSU Tigers (seriously SEC, get some original mascots) and JaMarcus Russell.  A&M is a good team, but Manziel makes them great.  National Championship great. 

Johnny Football is great because of the way he is wired.  He isn’t you and he isn’t me.  He just doesn’t give a fuck about anyone.  Not the media, his coach, his parents, his attorney, his school, the Manning Family, NFL evaluators, marketers, college students, strippers, laws….He is going to do what he wants, when he wants!  (I think The Machine may have just talked Johnny Football into an ultra exclusive ‘Badge of Badass’ Award).  It is this reckless abandon, cavalier attitude and cocksureness (both on and off the field) that allows him to pile up 5,000 yard/ 50 touchdown seasons, awards and wins…. all while lining the pockets of the school and NCAA.  If I’ve got to deal with some stupid penalties, frat house shenanigans and a slew of deflowered coeds than so be it!  Johnny, keep on rocking because the haterz are always going to hate.  You’ve got a Heisman, they’ve got a Tuesday Teabag.  Who’s winning now?

How ya like me now?!

How ya like me now?!

1 thought on “Tuesday Teabag, September 3, 2013 – Surprise, it’s not Johnny Football!

  1. Pretty sure they made that extra point, and pretty sure A&M (and the NCAA) don’t care. Johnny being Johnny=ratings gold. And I got WIFI, douche.

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