Tuesday Teabag, October 15 – Terry Bradshaw

What’s more annoying than a former professional athlete complaining about present ones?  Nothing, really.  But what makes it super annoying is when said former athlete is (a) on TV every Sunday, (b) generally obnoxious, and (c) has a hidden agenda.  Cue Terry Bradshaw.

Bradshaw recently complained about Drew Brees’ record breaking 48 straight games with a touchdown pass, and how he was “upset” with how Drew made such a spectable of the whole thing by lobbying to have Sean Payton in the stands to watch him break the record.  Fine.  You think it was over the top, self-serving, a little presumptuous, perhaps?  Possibly.  However, when Drew broke the record (hey Terry, since he did it 47 fucking times in a row, it was a pretty good presumption) there was no on field celebration.  They didn’t stop the game, or have a special celebration.  People clapped, and Fox went to commercial.  That’s it.  So what’s the big deal?  What’s really bugging Terry?

It seems what’s really bothering Terry is the fact that these records are being broken in the first place, thus pushing former players (ahem) deeper into obscurity.  And what better way to discredit the modern players than calling into question the institution of records.  Said Terry, “I’m not much on that stuff … I’m not into records, fellas.  I’m just into winning football games.”  The has been continued, “I’m not into records, I’m into winning Super Bowls … These things aren’t important.  We lose sight of why we play.  We play to win and to win championships, not to break records.”

Well, The Machine is here to call bullshit on good old Terry.  You see, two days after Terry made those remarks, Ben Roethlisberger set the Steelers all-time passing record.  Whose record did he break, you ask?  You betcha, Terry P. Bradshaw’s.  Coincidence?  Come on, son.  The transparency is laughable.

So, when your record is about to be broken, all of a sudden records don’t matter anymore?  And, instead of being humble and magnanimous like say…Johnny Unitas (who was an absolute pro and handled Brees breaking his record with a sense of class and professionalism that is beyond Terry), you undermine your record breaker, in a completely dickish way.

Hey Terry, The Machine will let you in on a little secret.  The Steelers won 4 Super Bowls in the 70’s despite you, not because of you.  Your 12.25 completions in those Super Bowls hardly made a difference (don’t worry, you don’t hold the record for worst performance by a Steelers QB in a Super Bowl…Big Ben beat you there as well).

No Terry, you’re just a sad, bitter man that won’t let go of the past, which is funny, seeing as how you have no problem letting go of your failed marriages (Super Bowls 4, ex-wives 3).  Records, like your marriages, are made to be broken.  Get over it.

But here’s a record that no one can take from you.  First Steelers Tuesday Teabag.  You deserve it.

Happy Sunday!

This is how Canada was meant to be used.The weekend isn’t even over, and The Machine is already calling it a success.  The past 16 hours have consisted of the following activities:  Casino, sports book, Coors Light, and Chicken Wings.  And if that isn’t enough to satisfy any man, how about an epic, 12 inning Game 1 for the ages.  Let’s recap:

The Machine went international last night, traveling north to visit our friends in Canada in good old Niagara Falls.  Why, you ask, would you go to Canada when you already live in the best country ever (go ‘Merica!)?  Jonesing for a wax museum and funny accents?  No, friends.  It’s simple:  while there are many things to blame Canada for (Bryan Adams, Molson Golden, purple money with the Queen of England—seriously Canada, get your own fucking queen you hosers) there’s one thing they got right:  sports betting.  And since The Machine’s bookie is “taking some time off” we’re left with no choice but the head north.

But fear not.  The Machine’s ethnocentrism kicked in, so we crossed the border and used Canada like the cheap hooker that it is.  Total time spent in Canada:  45 minutes.

Upon crossing back over, The Machine quickly made its way to its favorite watering hole, hoping to catch the end of the Yanks/Tigers game.  We walked into the bar in the bottom of the ninth, Tigers up 4-0.  A noticeable amount of “fans” had already left Yankee Stadium (fickle bitches), and the bar smelled of dejection.  However, The Machine knew better.  One out, Jeter on second, and Papa Malo on the mound…and that’s when all hell broke loose.

The next 6 minutes were surreal.  Ichiro…bomb.  4-2.  Now there’s two outs, Tex with an 0-2 count, and The Machine (at least the part that’s a Tigers fan) was feeling better.  Until the following happened:  ball, ball, ball, ball…and up walks Raul Ibanez.  Was there any doubt he was hitting it out?  BOOM!!  4-4.  Tied ballgame.  At that point, Jim Leyland (clearly in need of a smoke) yanked Valverde (btw, if you need to know when to pull a pitcher, it’s right after the fucker gave up a 4 run lead in the bottom of the ninth).  Anyway, the Yanks luck ended right there, as the Tigers somehow persevered Papa Douchebag and wound up winning in 12…and Jeter snapped his ankle in the process.

While all that points to the Tigers having the upper hand in the series, don’t be so sure.  Unless the Tigers’ starting pitchers can go 9 innings every game (sure JV can but who else?) Valverde is going to go back on the mound…and with that, the Yankees are assured that they will always be in the game.  Don’t forget, Valverde blew a 3-1 ninth inning lead in Game 4 against the A’s…last night wasn’t an anomaly, it was a pattern.  For the Tigers to win this series, Leyland needs to show some Girardi-like stones and bench Valverde.  Sounds crazy, but so did benching A-Rod.

In any event, if the rest of this series can live up to Game 1, it’s going to be an epic battle.  The Yankees should be able to right the ship today against Anaibal Sanchez (no way he’s going the distance).  But they still have to face Verlander twice…got to love the Tigers chances there.

Anyway, the only way this weekend could get better is if The Machine hits on its 5-team parlay.  Here we go (Cleveland, Baltimore, Philly, St. Louis, Buffalo) here we go!!!

Game 5 — It’s on!!!

The postseason’s first Game 5, Athletics v. Tigers, just got underway.  FYI, half of The Machine is a diehard Tigers fan…the other half a front-running no good Yankees fan (but damn Raul was smooth last night).

Maybe it’s because the season is dreadfully long (who watches baseball in June?) but playoff baseball has a completely different feel than regular baseball.  It’s compelling, action packed, and the games don’t seem as long.  There are 4 games on tonight and The Machine has watched all of them.  We haven’t even checked the waiver wire in fantasy football (pick up Vick Ballard, btw).

Anyway, back to the A’s and Tigers.  Justin Verlander can firmly establish himself (and save Papa Grande’s ass) as the best pitcher in baseball with a clutch performance tonight, and the Tigers are going to need it too if they have any chance of winning.  Verlander needs to go at least 7 (really 8) innings.  Actually, he needs to throw a complete game.  And Miggy needs to put on the triple crown and get the offense rolling.

You got to hand it to the A’s.  It’s hard to name more than 3 members, but these no name moneyballers know how to get it done.  Down 0-2 in the series (and also down 3-1 in the bottom of the ninth last night) they’ve clawed their way back and have a chance to stage a remarkable comeback.

However, names matter, and the Tiger’s got em’.  Verlander’s good for at least 120 pitches, and that offense is waiting to tear it open.  It will be close, but The Machine believes in Motown.

The Machine’s totally arbitrary prediction:  Tigers 4, A’s 3.

His name is Raul…

…and all he does is launch game deciding, series altering bombs. In a twist of baseball irony that only Tim McCarver gets wood over, Ibanez pinch hit for our generations most prolific, self absorbed, walking PR-abortion of a hitter in A-Rod to deliver a game tying (bottom of the 9th, one out) AND game deciding blast (bottom of the 12th) to help the Yanks take a 2-1 series lead (not to mention an emotional boost to an aging team that needs all the energy it can get)!

Walk off like a hero!

Big props to Joe Girardi; sure, he looks like a genius now, but that took some major stones at the time given the risks and implications involved.

His name is Raul!



Tuesday Teabag, October 2 – Rex Ryan

We know, Rex Ryan is a weekly shoe-in for a Tuesday Teabag (don’t worry, you can be a multiple award winner).  As if you need another reason to hate the Jets, they have the most overrated, loud mouth, all talk no action Coach in the NFL…perhaps in all sports (Ozzie Guillen may have something to say about that).

Look, there’s no one that loves to talk shit more than The Machine.  If trash talking were an Olympic Sport, The Machine is Michael Phelps.  But listen, to succeed in the art of trash talking (and believe us, it is an art) you must back it up. And that’s what Rex fails to understand.

Rex n effect has been talking trash forever.  When he first arrived in NY, it was mildly entertaining.  He made it to back-to-back AFC Championship games, so he had some room to talk.  He wore a wig to poke fun at his (equally overrated) brother Rob.  Christ, he wrote a book about how the Jets are the real New York team.

Now, he’s all talk with no results (how long ago do those playoff appearances fee?).  All of his bold moves and pronouncements have been complete and utter failures.  Making Santonio Holmes a Captain?  Failure.  Tim Tebow?  Failure.  Foot-gate?  Jury’s still out on that one (The Machine has a slight cougar foot fetish).  Now, in his latest effort to bring relevancy to the Jets, he declared that Darrelle Revis would not go on IR because, if the Jets make it to the Super Bowl, he may be healthy enough to play.  That was right before the Jets got absolutely smoked at home to the Niners, 34-0.  For a man that prides himself on defense, you gave up 34 points at home to an Alex Smith led offense.   Horrible.

Sure, you’re in first place at 2-2, but not for long.  Your strategy of talking shit to take the heat off you’re your players has, like your use of the Wildcat, been a complete disaster.  Instead, your antics have caused derision and resentment to run rampant through the locker room.  However, do you think Rex will finally learn to shut up and just coach?  Of course not.  Instead, look for Jabba the Hut to find new ways to create attention.

What will Rex do, you ask?  It’s simple:  he’ll start Tim Tebow.  It’s the biggest attention-grabbing stunt he can pull (unless you want to release some more home movies starring Mrs. Ryan).  It’s his last trump card, and it will lead to a total clusterfuck.  Not only will he destroy the season (come on, no matter how many WWJD bracelets this guy wears, he’s not an NFL quarterback) but it will cause irreparable damage with Mark Sanchez.  However, it will get ESPN to have a full time, round the clock crew following the Jets.  And that’s the only thing Rex is good at.