The weekend isn’t even over, and The Machine is already calling it a success. The past 16 hours have consisted of the following activities: Casino, sports book, Coors Light, and Chicken Wings. And if that isn’t enough to satisfy any man, how about an epic, 12 inning Game 1 for the ages. Let’s recap:
The Machine went international last night, traveling north to visit our friends in Canada in good old Niagara Falls. Why, you ask, would you go to Canada when you already live in the best country ever (go ‘Merica!)? Jonesing for a wax museum and funny accents? No, friends. It’s simple: while there are many things to blame Canada for (Bryan Adams, Molson Golden, purple money with the Queen of England—seriously Canada, get your own fucking queen you hosers) there’s one thing they got right: sports betting. And since The Machine’s bookie is “taking some time off” we’re left with no choice but the head north.
But fear not. The Machine’s ethnocentrism kicked in, so we crossed the border and used Canada like the cheap hooker that it is. Total time spent in Canada: 45 minutes.
Upon crossing back over, The Machine quickly made its way to its favorite watering hole, hoping to catch the end of the Yanks/Tigers game. We walked into the bar in the bottom of the ninth, Tigers up 4-0. A noticeable amount of “fans” had already left Yankee Stadium (fickle bitches), and the bar smelled of dejection. However, The Machine knew better. One out, Jeter on second, and Papa Malo on the mound…and that’s when all hell broke loose.
The next 6 minutes were surreal. Ichiro…bomb. 4-2. Now there’s two outs, Tex with an 0-2 count, and The Machine (at least the part that’s a Tigers fan) was feeling better. Until the following happened: ball, ball, ball, ball…and up walks Raul Ibanez. Was there any doubt he was hitting it out? BOOM!! 4-4. Tied ballgame. At that point, Jim Leyland (clearly in need of a smoke) yanked Valverde (btw, if you need to know when to pull a pitcher, it’s right after the fucker gave up a 4 run lead in the bottom of the ninth). Anyway, the Yanks luck ended right there, as the Tigers somehow persevered Papa Douchebag and wound up winning in 12…and Jeter snapped his ankle in the process.
While all that points to the Tigers having the upper hand in the series, don’t be so sure. Unless the Tigers’ starting pitchers can go 9 innings every game (sure JV can but who else?) Valverde is going to go back on the mound…and with that, the Yankees are assured that they will always be in the game. Don’t forget, Valverde blew a 3-1 ninth inning lead in Game 4 against the A’s…last night wasn’t an anomaly, it was a pattern. For the Tigers to win this series, Leyland needs to show some Girardi-like stones and bench Valverde. Sounds crazy, but so did benching A-Rod.
In any event, if the rest of this series can live up to Game 1, it’s going to be an epic battle. The Yankees should be able to right the ship today against Anaibal Sanchez (no way he’s going the distance). But they still have to face Verlander twice…got to love the Tigers chances there.
Anyway, the only way this weekend could get better is if The Machine hits on its 5-team parlay. Here we go (Cleveland, Baltimore, Philly, St. Louis, Buffalo) here we go!!!