Just three short weeks ago, The Machine made a bold confession:  we stopped becoming A-Rod apologists.  In the face of Biogenesis, we could no longer overlook and explain away his utter-douchbagedness.  Since then, Team A-Rod hasn’t done much to change our opinion: he forced his way back in the Yankees lineup (to a chorus of boos), (allegedly) leaked info implicating Ryan Braun and Francisco Cervelli (yup, his teammate) and somehow managed to retain an attorney that’s even more of a douchebag than he is.

Yes, in the wake of all of this, the one thing The Machine was certain there was one thing that A-Rod would never become: a victim.  However, thanks to the Boston Red Sox, A-Rod has become just that.

On Sunday night, the Yankees were in Boston, where it was expected that A-Rod would be greeted with a hearty (and well-deserved) hazing from the Boston faithful.  However, in his first at-bat against Ryan Dempster, he faced 4 pitches:  inside, inside, behind him, plunked in the back.  Clearly, Dempster was aiming for A-Rod, but (surprisingly) the umpire did not eject him.  Instead, Joe Girardi gets ejected for arguing, and Boston (somewhat dickishly) cheers A-Rod’s intentional beaning.  But that just set the stage for this:

Sixth inning, Boston comfortably up 6-3, Dempster’s still in the game, and A-Rod steps back up to the plate.  BOOM!  A-Rod drills a homer to (deep) center, and sparks a 4 run inning.  Yanks go on to win 9-6, and the A-Rod redemption tour has officially begun.

Leave it to Boston to turn A-Rod into a sympathetic figure.  Overnight, he’s gone from complete villain to someone who maybe got a raw deal from MLB (211 game suspension for a first time offender (in the eyes of the MLB testing policy) is a lot).  There will be stories abound about laying off A-Rod, and giving him the due process that every other player enjoys.  In fact, there already is one. 

And, the League’s response to the Boston beaning is laughable.  MLB announced today that Dempster will be suspended for 5 games.  Sounds pretty harsh, until you know that (a) he’ll be paid and (b) he won’t miss a start.  In other words, it’s a completely toothless suspension, which shows that the League is not at all concerned about protecting A-Rod from any future plunkings.  This only further ups his sympathetic appearance in the eyes of the public.  Sure, he’ll never get back to where he used to be, but he’s slowly gaining back some of the public trust.  Thanks to Boston (oh, sweet irony).

Also, the story about Dempster hitting A-Rod because Alex snubbed him at some public event makes Dempster look like a complete tool.  No wonder he fits right in Boston.

Enjoy your teabag.

What a great weekend for sports if you’re from New York…excuse me, Upstate New York (yes, it is markedly different from downstate New York).  The PGA Championship right in The Machine’s backyard, and the Bills win and put up 44 on the Colts (hey, we know it’s preseason but this is the best time to be a Bills fan).  Yes, it was a pretty awesome weekend, especially the golf, and The Machine was right there throwing back $7.50 Gennys at Oak Hill (note:  the fact that Genesee Beer was listed as a “local craft beer” brought a warm smile to The Machine’s face). Anyway, after 72 holes of golf, Rochester crowned its newest major Champion, Jason Dufner.  Duff Daddy is quickly becoming a household name on the tour.  Although 36, he’s one of the newer, hip golfers (like Bubba Watson, Dustin Johnson, and Keegan Bradley) and represents a change from the old guard.  Calm, cool, plays golf with a huge lipper in his mouth, and seems like a guy you could grill burgers with in the backyard over a couple of brews.  Certainly different from the old guard (can you imagine throwing a few back with Tiger or Davis Love III?)

So, the big story on Monday should have been about Dufner winning his first major, and his chance at redemption following his epic collapse at the 2011 PGA Championship.  Instead, we were treated to stories about people whining about the crowds.

Yes, much of the talk on Monday dealt with people complaining about the growing trend in golf where people yell things after a swing.  It started out innocently enough a few years back with the “Get in the Hole” guy for putts, and, sure enough, that slippery slope brought us the “Get in the Hole” guy for regular shots, which then progressed to shouts of random phrases.  Two common ones at Oak Hill over the weekend were “Mashed Potatoes” and “Baba Booey.”  See below.

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Now let’s get something straight.  Are these things childish, sophomoric, and unnecessary?  Of course.  However, they’re also funny and, more importantly, harmless.  People yell out stuff AFTER they swing, so it’s not affecting a player’s preparation or concentration before or during their swing.  Anything said while the ball’s in the air is completely meaningless.

Well, this sort of behavior did not sit well with Ian Poulter.  For those of you that aren’t familiar with Ian, he’s English, which means he has zero sense of humor (seriously, Benny Hill is not funny) and probably thinks Oasis is a real rock band.  Like all sensible Englishmen, Ian took his frustration to Twitter, where he tweeted the following:

This baba boo shit & mash potato crap shouting wouldn’t happen at Augusta, The Open, nor would it happen at Wimbledon. Tazer the thrushes.

First, we’re guessing thrushes is English for douchebag.  Second, really?  Are you that uptight and pretentious?  Is society as we know it falling apart because someone yelled “taters” after you hit?  Get over yourself, thrusher.  Your whining about people acting uncouth is pathetic, and totally transparent.  Does anyone here think that if Poulter finished in the Top 10 on Sunday (instead of tied for 61^st) he’d give a shit what people said after he hit?  Of course not.  Ian’s got to blame someone else for his poor play, it certainly couldn’t be his fault, or those awful fucking pants.

No, it must be those boorish Americans.  Hey, for the record Brit, we don’t recall anyone streaking across the 18^th green like say, they do at Wimbledon.

Look brah, I don’t know what you thought you meant to gain from your twitter rage (note: not street cred) but do you think that we’re going to stop, especially for you?  Sorry homie, it doesn’t work like that.  Good luck at the Wyndham Championship next week, I’m sure we’ll be quiet when you hit (note: free Machine t-shirt for anyone that yells “Tuesday Teabag” after Poulter hits).

No, what Ian probably thought to gain from his whining is to get more players on his side to pressure the PGA to change their rules to prohibit this conduct.  And he’s not alone.

Cork Gaines from the Business Insider writes that the PGA should adopt a zero tolerance policy like they have at Augusta, or else “it will get worse before it gets better.”  He also (unconvincingly) argues there’s a difference between the “Get in the Hole” guy and the new guys, explaining that “this new breed of golf yelling is not done out of fandom or excitement.  It is simply just a look-at-me effort to get on TV and get mentions on websites and Howard Stern’s radio show in a game of who can yell the craziest word or phrase.  Ultimately, it is no better than fans that run on to the field to interrupt sporting events for their own simple amusement.”  He’s wrong on many levels.

First, we must note that his name is Cork and he writes for the Business Insider.  Without knowing anything else about him, we’re guessing he’s white, upper middle class, well-educated, and sports a popped collar during the summertime and has at least two seersucker suits.  Shocker he’s against the riff-raff that has invaded the country clubs.

Second, it’s not a “look-at-me effort to get on TV.”  Did you see any cameraman pan over to one person that yelled something out?  No.  Not one got on TV.  Sure, Stern may have played some clips on his show, but they weren’t attributed to anyone.  There is no recognition to be had.  And, it didn’t interrupt the game.  It couldn’t be more different from the fan that runs on the field, a/k/a the creepy English streaker.

Golf is, and will always be, a sport played predominantly by white, upper class men.  It’s always going to have an element of snobbery to it, even if Larry the Cable Guy is in the stands yelling “git-r-done.”  Letting some dude who shelled out a few hundred bones walk around a golf course and yell “Baba Booey” while drinking $7.50 local craft beers is ok.  It’s not going to ruin the 400-thread count fabric that is golf.  And saying that the norm should be Augusta, which just admitted their first woman member last year and first black person in 1990, shows how out of touch with society you are.

If the PGA is smart, they will do nothing.  Perhaps a subtle warning to remind fans to be on their best behavior, but that’s it.  Why?  Because golf is becoming more popular by the second.  Which means more people golfing, which means more people at PGA events, which means more people buying PGA stuff.  The PGA needs to shed its Bushwood persona if it’s going to continue to grow in popularity.  Admonishing your growing fan base is not the way to go.

And Ian, if you can’t take our piggish American behavior, feel free to stay on your side of the pond and live in relative obscurity on the European Tour.

Enjoy your teabag.

The Machine knew this day was coming…and we hate ourselves for it.  We’ve been an A-Rod apologist from the start.  There’s just something about an aloof, narcissistic, mega-millionaire that we like.  The Machine knew he was doomed as soon as he signed his (first) $250+ million dollar contract with the Yankees.  No matter what he did it wouldn’t be good enough.  Even if he won you a World Series (which he did), an MVP (which he did…twice) it would never match the obscene amount of expectations that were placed on his shoulders.  Biggie was right:  Mo’ Money, Mo’ Problems.

We even apologized for him during his first steroid controversy.  “He didn’t know what he was doing.  Look, his cousin just bought some Boli and he took it.  That totally sounds legit.  Plus, everyone was (is) juicing, so who cares?”

Well, we have now seen the errors of our way, and have converted.  The latest PED scandal with Biogenesis, where sources say there is “overwhelming evidence” of A-Rod’s involvement, is it.  That, plus the soap opera he’s created with the Yankees with his rehab assignment, unauthorized second medical opinion, etc.  Enough is enough, you cannot win our hearts back A-Rod…unless you hit 14 more homers and passes Willie Mays…that shit would be cool.

Anyway, when the dust finally settles and A-Rod writes a tell-all book years from now or goes on Oprah, we’re going to learn that his use of PEDs was systematic, controlled, and well-orchestrated (ala Lance Armstrong).  Which makes his first “admission” in 2009 all the more puzzling.  In 2009, he went in front of the cameras and acted ignorant/aloof about what he was doing.  It was just something he and his cousin did, and he wasn’t sure if he did it right or if it had any effect.  If (read: when) this turns out to be bullshit, and we see the detailed records from the Biogenesis clinic showing his doping regimen, A-Rod will be exposed as not only a true fraud, but his narcissism will grow to Anthony Weiner-like status.

Now comes the report that all of the Biogenesis players are ready to cut a deal with MLB and accept their fate…all that is, accept A-Rod.  This has obviously angered the MLB brass, who are looking at every possible way to suspend him, including a lifetime ban.  One thing A-Rod’s got going for him is if there’s anyone that could screw this up, it’s Bud Selig.  Remember Bud: in the eyes of the CBA, MLBPA, and the inevitable arbitrator that will be hearing A-Rod’s appeal of any suspension, A-Rod is a zero-time offender.  Tread carefully, Bud.

As this story develops daily, A-Rod is looking more and more like an image-obsessed diva that feels he is above the law.  He makes Barry Bonds seem reasonable and likeable.  With Barry, you knew what you were getting.  He didn’t mince words, knew what he wanted, what he needed to do to get there, and didn’t give two shits about what anyone thought.  With Alex, it’s like he hired a (very bad) political strategist to create this persona of a naïve ballplayer who innocently stumbled upon PEDs.  Are they both narcissistic?  Of course, but Barry never tried to hide who he is

Where will this end up?  Who knows.  If MLB gets its way, A-Rod will never suit up again.  If the Yankees get their way, they can void A-Rod’s contract.  If A-Rod gets his way, he gets to play again and continue his homerun quest (there’s a nice $6 million bonus if he passes Willie).

To boil it down:  it’s all about the money.  Forget the records, the hall of fame, the glory of the game.  The real fight is all about the benjamins (baby).  The Yankees owe A-Rod $114 million.  That money is guaranteed…unless MLB suspends him.  The Daily News writes that A-Rod’s plan is to play at least one game, and then retire based on the hip injury, thus guaranteeing the remaining $114 million.  He’s desperately doing everything he can to get ahead of the impending suspension, while the Yankees and MLB are doing everything in their power to thwart him. 

Who’s going to win?  Who should we root for?  It’s tough when everyone in the equation is the villain.  A-Rod doesn’t deserve the money, the Yankees don’t deserve to be let out of a dumb contract, and Bud Selig doesn’t deserve to look like the hero (he’s no RGI).

One thing that is clear:  they’re all worthy of teabags.

Enjoy your teabag.

We’re back with another week of teabags.  This week’s been so good, The Machine’s giving you a double dose of teabags:  Johnny Football, who is on track to be dating a porn star before the season starts, and Ryan Braun, the latest lying, meathead, juiced up baseball player.

 

Johnny Manziel

Johnny, as you all know, took the college football world by storm last year, and became the first freshmen to ever win the Heisman Trophy.  He fits the new mold of an NFL QB…a young, hip gunslinger that can run and throw (think Colin Kaepernick but even more immature).  He’s a read/option dream (it’s still a fad, folks) and he’s almost certain to be a top (if not the top) pick in the 2014 Draft.  That is, if he stops his Gronk-like offseason.

Recently, Johnny was a camp counselor at the Manning Passing Academy and was sent home for missing meetings and generally being a complete douche.  Multiple reports (and twitter pics) show Johnny out partying, and the reasonable conclusion is that he was hung over (he claims he overslept because his phone was dead).  Reports also had him on Bourbon Street at 4:00 am (about an hour from where the Manning Passing Academy was being held), lying to his parents, and having his daddy explain that his tummy-wummy hurt.  Whether it was dehydration or a bender, it doesn’t look good.  And this just adds to his offseason of drama. 

Look, The Machine doesn’t care that he was getting after it at a bar or macking on some co-eds…if we were the most popular college student in America, you can bet your ass we’d be taking full advantage of that.  Johnny just needs to learn when to do it and (more importantly) when not to do it.  The Mannings are known for a lot of things (#winning, #18-1) but here’s what they’re not known for:  a good time.  The Machine’s pretty sure Eli’s never seen midnight.  You don’t go to the Manning Passing Academy to have a good time…unless your definition of a good time includes watching film, camp fire stories with Archie, and sing-a-longs with Peyton and Cooper.

This is just one of many questionable moves that Johnny has made this offseason, leaving many to affix the hot button term “character issues” next to his name.  This is Sophomore Slump written all over it.

 

Ryan Braun

Ryan Braun was recently suspended for the rest of the season for taking PEDs and the first player officially suspended in the Biogenesis scandal.  He’s also the most popular athlete suspended thus far (A-Rod, you’re on deck). 

Now, that fact that he used PEDs isn’t that surprising.  If every juicer was worthy of a teabag, we’d have nothing else to write about.  Kind of like giving a teabag to every NFL player that gets arrested.  But Ryan deserves it for his actions during this whole scandal.

Back in 2011, Braun won the NL MVP Award, and also won himself a little contract extension, to the tune of $113 million (that’s a lot of brauts and beers, actually, it’s probably enough to buy Milwaukee).  Anyway, after his MVP setting 2011 season (and after signing his mega-contract) Braun tests positive for synthetic testosterone.  However, an arbitrator overturned his 50 game suspension based on procedural errors.  He (read: his lawyers) were able to successfully argue that the proper chain of custody protocols were not followed, as the Collector did not promptly submit his sample for testing.

Look, there’s nothing wrong with getting something bounced on procedural errors (The Machine takes great pride in getting a speeding ticket dismissed when the officer wrote the wrong license plate number down).  But it was Ryan’s actions and words that went over the line.

Instead of just breathing a huge sigh of relief and counting your lucky procedural stars, Ryan engaged in this bizarre PR campaign to proclaim his innocence.  Standing in front of a throng of reporters in February, 2012, Braun said “I truly believe in my heart and I would bet my life that this substance never entered my body at any point.”  His brazenness didn’t end there, as he threw MLB and the Collector under the bus, claiming he was a victim of a flawed system.  “There are a lot of things we’ve heard about the collection process, the collector and some other people involved in the process that have certainly been concerning to us.”

He again went on the offensive during training camp, saying

“I have always taken tremendous pride in my image and my reputation in being a role model and handling myself the right way and doing things the right way.  And all of that has been called into question by this situation.  When you know you’re innocent of something, it’s extremely difficult to have to prove it when you’re in a process where you’re 100% guilty until proven innocent.”

He protested he was innocent so much that some people actually believed him.  Aaron Rodgers bet his salary on it.  However, anyone with a reasonable level of intelligence knew that Braun was guilty as sin, and got off on a technicality.  And while his Innocence Project may have worked on some, it didn’t work on MLB.  Who knows, it’s possible that Bud was so pissed of Braun flaunting the system and rubbing it in by constantly proclaiming his innocence, that he made it his mission to bring him down.  It certainly seemed like the league had a huge hard on for him.

So now that Braun’s been exposed as a fraud and a cheat, and suspended for the rest of the season (completely screwing my fantasy team, btw) the media is happy that he gets what he deserves.  Mike Lupica notes that it’s about time that Braun is going to do some time.  But what the media doesn’t answer, or refuses to address, is whether Braun’s really suffering at all.

Sure, his reputation his taken a big hit, and he’ll have to work extra hard to regain the public’s trust (however, we people are fickle, and love a comeback story).  Sure, he’s suspended for the rest of the season and will lose around $3.4 million in salary.  But let’s look at some other facts:

One, the Brewers are awful this year (41-58, 20 games out of first) and are going nowhere this season, with or without Braun.  Suspending him for the rest of the season when the season’s already over for his team isn’t really a punishment.  It’s a vacation.

Two, and perhaps more importantly, the Brewers still owe him $113 million.  The Machine’s no math-magician, but we know enough that 113 is more than 3.4.  Would you spend $3.4 million if you knew you were guaranteed $113 million?  It’s a no brainer. 

No wonder these guys are juicing.  You get big to get the big (guaranteed) contract, and then if you get caught, so what.  The money is still there.  The current punishment system for using PEDs is not enough of a deterrent.

An interesting twist is that players are now speaking out against tougher penalties.  Matt Kemp argues that Braun should be stripped of his MVP award.  Note: that’s somewhat self-serving, seeing as how Kemp finished 2^nd in the MVP race.  Max Scherzer, however, steps it up to a whole other level and argues that Braun’s contract should be voided.  Max astutely points out that players still benefit financially by taking PEDs, and until you strip that incentive, you’ll never rid the game of PEDs.

Both Matt and Max are absolutely right:  any awards while juicing (except a teabag) should be automatically forfeited, and teams should have the right to void their contract.  That’s the only way to get the player’s attention.

As for Braun, it’s not over for him.  He’s still young (29) and has plenty of time to rehabilitate his image.  He’s a Jeremy Schapp interview away from getting back in our good graces.  But here’s some advice:  go into hibernation.  Wait until after the World Series is over before you embark on the Innocence Project, Part II and re-virginize yourself.  Take solace in the fact that if you lead the Brewers to the playoffs next year, most will be forgotten.  That, and the boat load of cash that’s still coming your way.

Enjoy your teabag.

This week, The Machine takes aim at Baseball, what some people still refer to as America’s pastime.  The Machine refers to those people as losers.  We all know who rules our hearts and minds.  #NFL #51daystokickoff.

Anyway, back to the All-Star Game.  All-Star games, in general, are designed to be entertaining and fun; a chance to see the best of the best play against each other; to suspend rivalries for a night and just have some fun.  The Home Run Derby and Dunk Contest are perfect examples.  But the games themself?  Who cares?.  Can you really tell me who won last year’s All-Star Game?  How about the Pro-Bowl?  Of course not. 

In fact, viewership for last year’s MLB All-Star Game was at an all-time low.  We’re willing to bet that the Pro Bowl isn’t far behind.  Why do people not watch?  The answer is simple:  It’s meaningless.  But is it more than that?

Thom Loverro of The Atlantic argues that it is, and that the decline of the All-Star Game can be traced to two events:  the 1993 and 2002 All-Star Games.  In 1993, AL Manager Cito Gaston refused to pitch hometown All-Star Mike Mussina, thus enraging the Baltimore crowd and leading to a chorus of boos (and death threats for Cito).  In 2002, the game ended in a tie, as Bud Selig, seemingly making up rules on the fly, ended the game in the 11^th inning, and in so doing went against the time-honored American tradition of winning. 

The Machine’s not sure if these events caused the downfall of the All-Start Game (we frankly forgot about the ’93 drama), or simply added to what was already a declining product.  For sure, the 2002 All-Star Game exposed the complete ineptitude of Bud Selig, and Loverro’s right about the sad decline of the All-Star Game.  But the best was yet to come.

In an effort to increase the importance of the All-Star Game (read: get more people to watch so we can charge more for advertising) Bud Selig and the MLB Brass decided that the winning league of the All-Star Game will get home field advantage in the World Series.  Wait, what?  Yes, that’s right.  In a game where most people are giving 75% effort because they don’t want to get hurt (the days of Pete Rose sliding head first are long gone), the winning team decides who gets home field advantage in the World Series? 

For those of you that think home field advantage is not important, think again:  8 of the last 10 World Series have been won by the team with home field advantage.  It’s a big deal, which makes determining who gets it by a meaningless game in July all the more ridiculous.

What does the World Series have to do with the All-Star Game?  Sure, it’s the best way anyone from the Mets is going to influence the World Series, but that doesn’t mean it’s right.  Arbitrarily adding value where none exists is confusing and simply wrong.

The All-Star Game is kind of like the Iowa Caucus.  There’s a reason we let Iowa vote first in Presidential primaries:  they’re meaningless.  Seriously, we care about Iowa for about 6 minutes, then look at the calendar to see when the real states hold their primaries.  How’d Rick Santorum, winner of the 2012 Republican Iowa Caucus, do in the general election?  How about Mike Huckabee, the 2008 winner?  Exactly.  So imagine how dumb it would be if, to add importance to Iowa, the winners of the caucus became the Presidential nominees. 

Trying to add meaning to an otherwise meaningless game is beyond dumb.  And, let’s be honest:  All-Star games are completely meaningless. 

The NFL gets it, and is considering drastic changes to the Pro Bowl, including changing it to a skills competition or eliminating it completely.  The NBA gets it too, and puts more of an emphasis on the Dunk Contest and Skills Competition than the actual game.  Christ, even the NHL gets it; they’ve abandoned conference v. conference format and instead have team captains draft players (pretty cool idea, actually).  What do all these leagues have in common?  They’ve all assigned zero meaning to the actual game, and understand its purpose:  a fun, lighthearted, fan-friendly event.

But not Bud.  Bud believes the game has to count for something, in sharp contrast to his tee-ball tie of 2002.  And, if his goal is to make it meaningful so people will watch, he’s completely failed, because even though the game now has meaning, nobody watches. 

Look, Bud.  You tried.  However misguided, you tried to spice it up, but it didn’t work.  Now it’s time to spice it up again, but this time do it in a way that makes sense.  Take a page from the NHL and have a draft.  Have the fans vote for teams.  Have more skills competitions besides the Home Run Derby (fastest man, throwing competitions, etc.).  But determining home field advantage for the World Series is not it.  It makes zero sense, much like a Santorum Presidency.

Enjoy your teabag.

Colin Kaepernick wore a Dolphins hat.  This story is that simple.  While the rest of us were spending quality time with family and friends over the Fourth of July holiday, grilling, slamming beers, and wishing ‘Merica a Happy Birthday, Colin was violating the cardinal rule in pro sports:  Thou shalt not wear opposing team’s merchandise (pretty sure that’s one of the 10 Commandments).

Last season, The Machine had an exclusive view into the New School/Old School drama during the Kaepernick/Smith feud, and we learned all about Mr. Ball So Hard.  The young, hip, gunslinger who does what he wants, when he wants, and doesn’t give a fuck, because caring is for pussies like Alex Smith.  Ain’t no shame if you got game (C-Kap you should get that inked).  Colin backed up his actions on the field, captivated Niner Nation, led San Fran to the Super Bowl, and led Alex Smith right out the door.  The loyalty the fans have to Kaepernick now is cult-like.  He’s going to change the game.  The read option will no longer be a fad (note: it is a fad).  Yes, hopes and dreams are a post-Montana all-time high.  So what could go wrong?

So Colin was snapped wearing a Dolphins cap, and the picture (obviously) went viral.  So what?  No big deal.  All you do is simply say you were joking with some friends and put the hat on all in good fun, and maybe throw in some shit that you appreciate (sorry, got mad respect) for all NFL teams and players (sorry, playas or ballers).  Had you done that, everything would’ve died down quickly, and all would be forgotten.  But no.  Not Colin.  Not Mr. New Age Hipster.  Colin is part of the new generation of kids who were raised by parents who probably let him do whatever he wanted, never had to apologize for anything, and who refused to believe he could do anything wrong (“our little Collie would never do that.”). 

Proving that point, in response to the mobs of angry Niners fans who shell out thousands of dollars to see him play, Colin responded as follows: 

This the hat y’all mad at? I’m goin wear what I want regardless of what you think, all you need to worry about is the fact that I grind for my teammates and the 49ers! I plan on doin this until they won’t let me in the building! #ridiculous #y’allmustbebored”

First off, The Machine can’t tell if that’s how he really talks, or if he’s trying extra hard to be cool.  [Note: perhaps it’s a sign that The Machine is getting old, but we thought grind meant something totally different.]  We’re going to have to get up to speed with the lingo.

Second, really?  You’re going to pick this moment to send a big f-you to your fan base.  How about you wait until they’re riding your ass for having a bad game.  Then you can hit them with the old “I give you 100%” I mean “I grind for my teammates.”  You feeling me, brah? 

On Monday, after Colin [read: Niners PR Dept.] had time to think about his actions some more, he posted a picture of himself on his Instagram account wearing Nines gear, but he couldn’t help sending out a dig to the Niners faithful, tweeting:  “It’s just swag. It ain’t never hurt nobody.”  The Machine will look past the double negative, but that’s about all. 

For starters, doesn’t having an Instagram account negate your street cred?  “Yo playas, check out dis fresh Niners cap…and pictures of cats!”

What’s even more incredulous, is that there are folks in the media defending Karpernick’s actions.  Les Carpenter at Yahoo! Sports argues that Colin has the right to wear a Dolphins hat, and that team loyalty is a farce, especially considering as soon as he can no longer play QB at a high level, the Niners will dumb his ass.  Kevin Lynch goes one step further, saying that Colin “was right” for his go f yourself tweets to Niners fans.  Kevin also notes that Alex Smith used to wear a Padres hat (his favorite baseball team) until the San Francisco fans and media got on his case.  Then, he wore a Giants hat.  Ah, such simpler times.

Les is right that team loyalty is a farce.  NFL players are, in the eyes of NFL owners, replaceable widgets with a (short) shelf life.  They’re an investment, and as soon as that investment stops yeilding returns, it’s dumped.  However, both Les and Kevin are missing the point.  It’s not about team loyalty…it’s about fan loyalty.

As an NFL player, one thing you know is this:  NFL fans are bat-shit crazy.  Like Anna Benson crazy.  Like getting tattoos of team mascots, converting school buses into mobile man-caves, and getting married in the stadium parking lot at halftime so you can catch the third quarter crazy.  To see their star player wearing an opposing team’s hat is an act of defiance, treason, and blasphemy.  It’s just something you don’t do.

This rule applies more so if you’re the quarterback, the leader of the team.  Obviously, the NFL old guard (Brady, Brees, any Manning) understands this rule, and even some of the new guys (Luck, RGIII, Russell Wilson) get it.  But Colin clearly does not.  His Allen Iverson “we talkin’ ‘bout practice” approach to quarterbacking won’t cut it.  As the quarterback, it’s not just how you perform on Sunday (sorry, how you ball).  You are the face of the franchise, the person the team builds around.  You are held to a higher standard.

And the media coddling him and explaining away his douchness isn’t going to help him change.  They should be riding his ass, not apologizing for him like a suburban helicopter parent (“it’s the teacher’s fault he’s not paying attention”). 

Colin:  man up, brah.  Your brashness on the field cannot transfer over to the fans off it.  You can still play your way AND show some humility…they’re not mutually exclusive.  Granted, as soon as you torch Green Bay at home in Week 1, all will be forgotten.  The problem is if you don’t get the Niners back to the Super Bowl (and win).  Then no one will forget.

Enjoy your teabag, beyotch, and get rid of your Instagram account. #lame #youlovecats

You knew this was coming.  Like driving by a car accident, it’s horrible yet you can’t help but look.  We knew this was tea-baggable weeks ago, before any of the facts were revealed.  So many questions are racing through your mind.  How?  Why?  Didn’t he just sign a $40 Million Dollar contract?  But if you’re like The Machine, the one question that keeps coming back to you is:

There are gangs in Bristol, Connecticut?

Really?

The Machine’s been to Connecticut plenty of times.  It’s one big affluent suburb, complete with spoiled kids who think they’re cool (and from NYC).  They’re hip, right now they are probably listening to dubstep or rap (but only the popular songs).  “Can I get a….”  The tint on the windows of their Saab 9-5 is not legal.  They all go to a snobby, private liberal arts college (Middlebury), the men have at least two pairs of capri pants, and the women judge you based on which boarding school you went to.  And everyone pretends Hartford doesn’t exist. 

But Thuglife?  In Connecticut?  Have the Crips taken over Greenwich Village?  And Bristol of all places.  Home of ESPN, the worldwide leader in sports.  The Machine thought the worst thing that happens in Bristol is the Rick Reilly poetry slam at Starbucks.

Anyway, back to Hernandez.  We know he’s innocent until proven guilty (just kidding, he did that shit).  But doing the crime doesn’t automatically result in doing the time (right, Juice?).  Eventually though, you’ll probably end up in jail (right, Juice?).  FYI, the prosecution better come up with a better motive than “he talked to the wrong people three days ago” or else Aaron stands a chance of walking a free man. 

Regardless of the outcome of the trial, Hernandez deserves everything coming to him, including his release by the Pats and the (re)digging into his past.  The guy’s a scumbag, plain and simple.  There were character issues coming out of college, that’s why he slipped from the first round to the fourth.  You thought he turned a corner with his recent comments about becoming a father and signing his new contract for a boatload of cash.  But Biggie was right:  Mo’ money, mo’ problems. 

Aaron clearly has never watched a Law and Order SVU marathon, for if he did, he’d know that destroying your security tapes and cellphone doesn’t really destroy it, and that dumping a body a mile from your house doesn’t really throw the scent off.  Anyone else find it ironic that his own security cameras are being used against him?

And while Aaron is absolutely worthy of a teabag, the media’s circus is also worthy.  Jason Whitlock argues the Patriots should have known Aaron was capable of murder.  Saying the Patriots should have known he was going to kill someone because of his character issues in college is completely asinine.  Prior to last week, he’d never been arrested, and his character issues included smoking week and getting kicked out of bars (if that’s the case 99% of all college students are going to kill someone).  No, you cannot extrapolate what happened two weeks ago from his past. 

And let’s get another thing straight too:  The NFL does not have a gun problem.  Gangs have a gun problem, but not the NFL.  Because one player was (allegedly) in a gang and (allegedly, albeit probably) killed someone, doesn’t and shouldn’t cast a cloud on the entire league.  If that’s the case, all teachers sleep with their students, all financial investors run Ponzi schemes, and all strippers have daddy issues (ok so 2 out of 3 ain’t bad).

Point is:  there are assholes in every profession.  There are crooked cops, dirty politicians, and drug dealing stay at home moms.  Why should professional athletes be any different? 

What people need to accept is that being a professional athlete is just like any other profession.  Just because they are well paid doesn’t put them above a DWI or fighting a bouncer at a strip club, or the occasional lapse in child support payments.  It makes them incredibly stupid (and tea-baggable), as the risks they take in engaging in that behavior is magnified given their public persona. 

But Machine, you say, 27 players have been arrested since the Super Bowl.  Doesn’t that mean the NFL is out of control?  No, what that means is things are improving.  As our good friends at Deadspin point out, the rate of criminal activity in the NFL has sharply decreased.  In 2006, 68 players were arrested.  Since then, crime has dropped nearly 40%, and only 2.8% of NFL players commit crimes (compared with 10.8% of all males age 22-34).

Not by coincidence, but 2006 is the year Roger Goodell took over as league Commissioner.  Player conduct has been one of his main goals, and thus far he has succeeded.  People complain that he’s too heavy-handed and dictatorial in meriting out punishment, but it’s working.  Sure, there are always going to be people who don’t get it (see Aaron Hernandez, Josh Brent, Titus Young, and Pacman Jones) and never will.  But the average NFL player is a good dude, despite what the media will have you believe.

When Larry Fitzgerald and Eli Manning start throwing up gang signs, then the NFL has a gun problem.  Until then, some DUIs, bar fights, and a selfie of a wannabe college thug holding a gun and being charged with murder isn’t enough to discredit the entire league, and certainly isn’t enough to discredit the work that RGI has done in cleaning up the league. 

What’s mind-blowing to most people is that there is any crime by professional athletes.  It’s true, these guys are rich, young, and successful; are glorified by the cities they play in (except Mark Sanchez), their alma maters, and their hometowns.  They have the world by the balls.  What could possibly lead them to commit a crime?  But that’s a question for Outside the Lines (you feeling us Bob Lee, get us on your show).

But let’s bring it back to the man of the hour.  We’re not sure Aaron gets out of this one (the circumstantial evidence is strong).  If not murder, he’ll get convicted of a lesser charge.  Either way:  he’s doing time, and he destroyed what was a promising career. 

We hope in your one hour of free time a day you’re able to log on to The Machine. 

Enjoy your teabag.

What is it about athletes that make them completely self-absorbed assholes?  Is it the unlimited amounts of fame, power, and money?  Rhetorical question (note: if The Machine had unlimited amounts of fame, power, and money, we’d be even bigger d-bags).  Also, why do they think they’re experts on everything, and can say and do whatever they want with no repercussions?  Probably that whole fame, power, and money thing, plus the fact that no one ever tells them no. 

Did anyone think Lenny Dykstra’s investment management business was going to succeed?  How about Curt Schilling’s video game company?  Should Michael Jordan be making high-level basketball decisions (two words:  Kwame Brown), and what the fuck is Dennis Rodman doing in North Korea?  Update:  Lenny just got released from prison for serving time for bankruptcy fraud, Curt’s video game company, 38 Studios, has declared bankruptcy, MJ continues to run the Charlotte Bobcats into the ground (seriously, just look at their roster), and the Worm…well, he just may be brokering a peace treaty with Kim Jung-un.

What’s next?  Well, The Machine’s hoping to add “Slap a Ho:  A Guide to Finding Mrs. Right” by Pacman Jones to our summer reading list. 

Anywho, it’s this total lack of self-awareness that brings Serena Williams into our crosshairs.  Serena is currently the best women’s tennis player on the planet, and will likely go down as one of the all-time greats (she’s an obvious Top 5 and likely Top 3).  But her success on the court has not translated to success off the court.  In fact, off the court she’s a hot mess.  Recently, she sat down for an interview with Rolling Stone, where she let loose on a barrage of crazy talk.  Here’s her comments on the Steubenville Rape Case. 

“Do you think it was fair, what they [the convicted rapists] got?  They did something stupid, but I don’t know.  I’m not blaming the girl, but if you’re a 16-year-old and you’re drunk like that, your parents should teach you:  Don’t take drinks from other people.  She’s 16, why was she that drunk where she doesn’t remember?  It could have been much worse.  She’s lucky.  Obviously, I don’t know, maybe she wasn’t a virgin, but she shouldn’t have put herself in that position, unless they slipped her something, then that’s different.”

First of all, what the what?  Did you just say the 16 year old rape victim was lucky and put herself in that situation?  Wow.  Obviously, this was instantly met with harsh criticism, forcing her into spin mode, where she issued an “apology” which of course means she didn’t apologize at all, saying:  “What was written — what I supposedly said — is insensitive and hurtful, and I by no means would say or insinuate that she was at all to blame.”  Notice the complete dickishness of this apology.  What she supposedly said?  Did she say it or not?  This is the typical athlete “taken out of context” “I’m sorry for getting caught and not what I did” apology.  It rings completely hollow.  Note:  Serena (read: her PR team) has since issued a second apology, this time a real one, and she also reached out to the victim and her family (a well-orchestrated, albeit completely transparent, PR move).  Sorry, too little too late.  As a general rule, if you have to apologize two times for the same thing, you really fucked up. 

In the same interview, Serena also imparted some relationship advice.  This is where the story gets good, and by good, we mean Jerry Springer good.  Referring to Maria Sharapova (who’s dating Serena’s ex), Serena’s claws came out.  “She begins every interview with `I’m so happy. I’m so lucky’ – it’s so boring. She’s still not going to be invited to the cool parties. And, hey, if she wants to be with the guy with a black heart, go for it.”

Meow!  Bitter much?  You’re the best tennis player in the world, yet you just went high school drama on another girl.  And, not get invited to the cool parties?  Really?  You’re a Jehovah’s witness and don’t drink, we’re pretty sure the parties you’re at aren’t cool.

Sharapova, who’s a diva in her own right, did not take the comments lightly.  Maria upped the bitchy high school girl fight and called out Serena for playing homewrecker.  Watch it here.  “If she wants to talk about something personal, maybe she should talk about her relationship and her boyfriend that was married and is getting a divorce and has kids.”  We were waiting for the Wimbledon press corps to bust out the “Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!”

Oh hell no.  So you’re banging your (married) tennis coach, yet find it appropriate to comment on who other people are dating?  This is the height of the self-absorbed athlete that thinks they are above reproach.  In response, Serena suddenly got quiet, saying that “I definitely like to keep my personal life personal.”  Oh, so go ahead and shine the spotlight on other people’s personal lives (and a 16-year-old rape victim), but when the light comes back on you, suddenly it’s a private matter.

Look, if we want tips on how to rip a forehand winner, or blast a serve, we’ll go right to you.  But please, know your roll.  Because you’re good at tennis doesn’t make you an expert off the court, certainly not as a rape crisis counselor and definitely not a relationship expert, particularly given your recent family intervention skills (here’s hoping the US Open crowd chants “homewrecker”…we’d say Wimbledon but the Brits are too high brow for that).  Perhaps they’ll chant [cue: snobbish British voice] “Dwelling Disturber.”

The problem, however, is this:  we love it when athletes do this.  It sells magazines and creates headlines.  It makes us think:  hey, they’re just like us.  So the next time you’re up in the tree spying on your ex having dinner or washing her hair, relax, and take comfort that there are professional athletes doing the same thing.  So, I guess we’re somewhat to blame for encouraging this behavior. 

When will it stop?  Never.  We just pre-ordered our copy of “Slap a Ho.”

Enjoy your teabag.

The Machine’s back with a fully loaded Tuesday Teabag.  So many newsworthy stories.  HMTs (Honorable Mention Teabags) go to Phil Mickleson for ripping our hearts out and ruining our Father’s Day (again).  FYI, The Machine LOVES Lefty, and we’ll always pull for him.  Also, Aaron Hernandez.  The Machine’s not quite sure exactly what happened, but there’s a dead body near his house and the po-po in his driveway.  Not the best offseason for him.  Stay tuned.

But this weeks’ Tuesday Teabag goes to Lolo Jones.  We thought Lolo used her 15 minutes of fame with her two (failed) Olympics and constant talk of her virginity and Christian values, all the while posing seductively for the camera.  But apparently, she didn’t get the memo.  For those of you who aren’t familiar with Lolo, click here.  She’s an Olympic hurdler and sprinter, and has made a lot of money in endorsements, whose company logos are prominently displayed on her website.  However, one little problem:  she’s not really good.  Although favored to win in both the Beijing and London Olympics, she failed to win a medal, yet still dominated the headlines with her uncanny ability to make everyone look at her all the time.  Did I mention she’s hot?  This angered other members of the U.S. Women’s Track and Field Team, who actually did win medals yet were overshadowed by Lolo and her antics. 

In her latest effort to reinvent (read: draw attention) to herself, Lolo decided to try her hand in the Winter Olympics by becoming a member of the U.S. Women’s Bobsled Team.  Fine.  She’s obviously a talented athlete, and if you she can make the team, more power to her.  However, Lolo’s problem is that it’s never about the sport.  It’s all about her.  She’s the J-lo of women’s athletics.  But that’s not really fair to J-lo…even J-lo had some hits (we loved her in Maid in Manhattan).  Lolo is just a (very) attractive athlete and, in the world of sports, especially women’s sports, beauty trumps talent.

So how was her Diva approach to sports going to work in a sport whose athletes are nameless and humble?  Exactly like you thought it would.  On Monday, Lolo dipped into her bag of “look at me” tricks and tweeted a video showing her paycheck from the U.S. Bobsled Team for $741.86.  “Seven months with bobsled season.  The whole season.  That’s it.” she bemoans, adding, “I’m going to be a little late on my rent this month.”

Clearly, no one’s getting rich by bobsledding.  We think the average bobsledder actually works at Home Depot.  They are nameless athletes that have little to no endorsements, and train non-stop for a chance every four years to make the Olympics.  No, a sport like bobsledding, people do it for the love of the sport.  Except if you’re Lolo.  Then you do it for the love of yourself. 

Not surprisingly, Lolo’s insulting comments were not well received by her bobsledding companions.  “It wasn’t taken very well,” Steve Holcomb (the MJ of U.S Bobsledding) understatedly said to USA Today. “People were really kind of insulted. You just made $741, more than most athletes in the sport. So what are you complaining about?”

Exactly.  What is she complaining about?  It’s simple.  In track and field, she gets all the

attention and multi-million dollar endorsements, even if she doesn’t perform well at the Olympics.  She dominates the headlines, and loves to stoke the fire by (tastefully) poseing nude while telling the world how proud she is to be a virgin and a Christian.  She’s as annoying about this as Tim Tebow.  Actually, she’s a lot like Tebow.

So, imagine her horror when she announces her bobsledding plan and it’s met with crickets.  No one cares.  Why?  Because you can’t wear a bikini in bobsledding. 

Looks can only carry you so far, even in our image-obsessed culture.  You are super-hot but also super-annoying, and, without any real success, that act gets tired (see Tim Tebow).  You want to get back in The Machine’s good graces?  Shut your mouth, make the Olympic bobsled team, and win a medal.  It’s that simple.  No more interviews about the “gift” you want to give your husband, or how it’s so hard to find a guy that doesn’t want to have sex (newsflash, like Bigfoot and nutritious fast-food, that doesn’t exist).  Just shut up and play.

However, given her past, that will be difficult, if not impossible, to achieve.  At 30 years old, it will be hard for her to get back to the Summer Olympics, so this may be her last chance at Olympic success.  If she fails, she’ll have to go back to the drawing board for attention.  Having no Olympics to draw attention to her, she’ll have to resort to other means.  The Machine’s money is that she’ll pose for Playboy, which is totally fine.  The pictures don’t talk.

Enjoy your teabag.