Tuesday Teabag, November 6, 2012 – The Electoral College

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After taking a beating in College football over the weekend (thanks Notre Dame) The Machine is switching gears and putting on its political dunce cap.  Hey, we got to put that Political Science degree to some use.

Anywho, after being relentlessly bombarded with political ads over the past few months (did you know Democrats burn the Flag while aborting babies, and Republicans beat the homeless with Bibles?) it all comes down one night:  Election Night, baby!  Drama, intrigue, Wolf Blitzer!  What could be wrong with that?

A lot, actually.  Every four years, America gets reacquainted with the Electoral College, and reminded that we’re not really a democracy at all.  What is the Electoral College, you ask?  Well, you could log on to facebook and read a thrilling discourse on American politics posted by your friends, your ex, and the creepy people whose friend requests you were afraid not to accept, or you can bypass those losers and come right to The Machine.

The Electoral College is the most irrelevant College in the World, even more so than Bryant and Stratton.  The Electoral College is like the Anniversary BJ, except comes around less frequently, if that’s even possible.

Truth is, no one knows what the Electoral College actually is, not even the freaks on facebook.  Wikipedia tells you it’s designed to protect the rights of smaller states, however the smaller states have fewer electoral college votes, so how are they really protected?  Anyone catch that Presidential speech in Bismark?  No?  That’s because no one gives a shit about their 3 Electoral College votes.  And if there was no Electoral College…we still wouldn’t give a shit about North Dakota.

The Electoral College—unlike the Anniversary BJ—serves no good purpose.  Underscoring that is the fact that you never hear from the Electoral College.  Pull back the curtain and let us know what you’re all about.  Show us why you’re important and necessary to our presidential elections.  Instead, we get silence, and The Machine does not like people who won’t defend their honor.

Fact:  the Electoral College is as useful as that Hospitality Management degree from Bryant and Stratton (which only leads to a career in stripping btw).  Enjoy your Tuesday Teabag, Electoral College.

The Machine approves this message.

Week 9 – Sleepers

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If you’re like us, you are neglecting your family right now, over-thinking your starting lineup and scanning the waiver wires.  Need a quick fix to fill in your roster?  Read on, brother, The Machine has your back.  Here are our Week 9 Sleepers.

  1. Cecil Shorts (JAC, 32% Y).  It’s surprising Cecil is only owned in 32% of all leagues, because he has established himself as the #1 WR in Jacksonville.  Granted, that’s kind of like being the skinniest kid at fat camp, but hey, it’s something.  The Jags always play from behind, and with MJD (and Laruent Robinson) dinged up, look for Blaine Gabbert to throw early and often.  He’s averaged 6/97 over the past two weeks, and we’ll take those numbers any day.  He goes against a Detroit secondary that has been atrocious so far this season.  If you’re looking for a WR, plug him in with confidence.
  2. Dennis Pitta (BALT, 34% Y).  Pitta started off the year on fire, averaging over 16 pts. the first 3 weeks.  He’s cooled off as of late, but remains a good option if you need to fill in a TE this week.  Flacco looks for him consistently in the redzone, and Baltimore should spend a lot of time there in Cleveland today.
  3. Joique Bell (DET, 16% Y).  The Machine has no idea how to pronounce his first name, but we do know that (a) Mikel Leshoure is hurting and (b) Bell is a pass-catching RB that stands to see more action today against Jacksonville.  He’s a decent flex plug-in or RB2 if you’re desperate.
  4. Domenik Hixon (NYG, 20% Y).  Being the number 3 option on the G-men is like being a #2 WR anywhere else.  Eli and co. love to throw the ball, and Eli does a good job spreading the love.  Hixon gets his share of looks (especially on 3rd down) and if Pitt tries to shut down Nicks and Cruz, that should open up some lanes for Hixon.

WEEK 9 Staff Picks – ATS

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Games Roid Rage Ginger King Results
Last week (Year to date):  9-4 (9-4)  10-3 (10-3)  
Kansas City @ San Diego (-7.5) KC KC San Diego (-18)
Miami (-1.5) @ Indianapolis Miami Miami Indy (-3)
Buffalo @ Houston (-10) Houston Houston Houston (-12)
Baltimore (-3.5) @ Cleveland Cleveland Baltimore Baltimore (-10)
Denver (-3.5) @ Cincinnati Denver Denver Denver (-8)
Chicago (-3.5) @ Tennessee Chicago Chicago Chicago (-31)
Detroit (-4) @ Jacksonville Detoit Detoit Detroit (-17)
Arizona @ Green Bay (-11) GB GB GB (-14)
Carolina @ Washington (-3) Carolina Washington Carolina (-8)
Minnesota @ Seattle (-4.5) Minnesota Minnesota Seattle (-10)
Tampa Bay @ Oakland (Pk) TB TB TB (-10)
Pittsburgh @ NYG (-3) Pittsburgh NYG Pitt (-4)
Dallas @ Atlanta (-4) Dallas Dallas Atlanta (-6)
Philadelphia @ New Orleans (-3) New Orleans New Orleans  New Orleans (-15)
       
Top 3 Can’t Miss Picks:  
RR:MIAMI (-1.5), DETROIT (-4), DALLAS (+4)  
GK: BALTIMORE (-3.5), WASHINGTON (-3), DETROIT (-4)  

Happy Halloween!

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Hey, we’ll jump on any excuse to drink hard liquor during the week and gawk at milfs that reveal way too much skin for a cold October day!  Load the kiddies in the radio flyer, pour yourself an Apple Cider/Captain and watch the candy pile up!

The real fright fest is tomorrow night though, when the NFL trick-or-treats us to Norv Turner matching wits with Romeo Crennel! Yowza! Enjoy!

Tuesday Teabag, October 30 – The NHL Lockout

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Let’s move off of baseball and (gasp!) football for a second and focus on another professional sport, or, more accurately, a “professional” sport.  Why throw up dick fingers around professional, you ask?  Simple.

The NHL and its union are in the middle of another labor battle, the second in eight years.  The league has already canceled games through November, and, since the league and the union can’t even agree to meet with each other (each side has stated that they are willing to meet but blamed the other for not wanting to – how is that possible?) more games will certainly be canceled, possibly the entire season.

But here’s the problem:  Nobody gives a shit.  At least, nobody in America gives a shit, and that’s all The Machine cares about (suck it, Canada).  Seriously, no one cares.  The Machine’s willing to bet if you ask 10 regular Americans their thoughts on the NHL lockout, 6 will have no clue there is one, 2 won’t even know the season should’ve already started, and the other 2 will have heard about it, but still wouldn’t be able to tell you who won the Stanley Cup last year.

Complicating matters is the fact that players have other options.  Unlike the NFL, there are other professional leagues players can turn to.  There are over 140 NHL players currently playing in other professional leagues.  And not just scrub NHL players…names like Alexander Ovechkin, Evgeni Malkin, Patrick Kane, Daniel Briere, Zdeno Chara, Jaromir Jagr, the heavyweights of the NHL.  That poses a big problem.  Since the risk of injury is so high, these players run the risk of damaging their NHL careers by playing in smoked filled arenas in Moscow, which in turns runs the risk of watering down the competition when (read: if) the labor fight ends.

But I digress.  Another, perhaps bigger, problem is there is no pressure to get a deal done.  The owners, you know, the rich, old white guys that buy sports franchises for fun, are already rich as shit and thus will not sign a deal just to sign a deal.  The players, unlike the NFL, have other, good paying jobs to seek refuge to.  And, to top it off, the public by and large doesn’t care (contrast this with the NFL last year, when people went ape-shit after the Hall of Fame pre-season game was canceled).  All of this combined leads to no incentive to get back on the ice anytime soon.

Hey, if there’s any professional athlete that deserves to make bank, it’s an NHL player.  These guys risk their lives every game.  If you’ve ever been to an NHL game (watching it on TV doesn’t really do it justice) you see firsthand the speed, power, and bone-crushing hits that define the NHL.  It’s an amazing contrast of finesse and force.

However, that alone won’t get you paid.  Size matters, and in professional sports, the size that matters is the size of your TV deal, endorsements, merchandise sales, and ticket sales.  And, in these areas, the NHL is light years behind the rest.  The NHL ranks fifth in total revenue, behind the NFL, MLB, NBA, EPL (that’s English Premier League, America); just above perennial last place league the MLS).

Bottom line:  get your asses in a conference room and get a deal done.  Shit, go to any city in Canada where you will actually feel pressure from the public to end this.  Two lockouts in eight years is unacceptable for any sport, and even more so for a sport with fleeting public interest and low revenues.

And while the league and the union continue to blame each other, here’s something they both can take credit for.  A Tuesday Teabag.

Game 4 – Whatever

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The Machine is so glad to be occupied by football today (our first love), and not focus on The Machine’s epic failure in baseball (our slump buster).

As you know, The Machine threw its weight behind the Tigers.  After a gutsy series against the A’s, and after destroying the mighty Yankees, the Tigers were poised to claim their first World Series crown since ’84, and the good people of Detroit were ready to celebrate by overturning cop cars and setting the City on fire (known in Detroit as Tuesday).  Now, all hope is lost.

Wait a minute, The Machine doesn’t cut and run.  While others will point to “facts”, like no team has ever come back to win a World Series after being down 0-3, The Machine says “suck it, facts.”  We’re all in, and The Machine is ready to sit back and watch the Tigers turn this mutha around.

It’s not that crazy, really.  Sure the Giants have their best pitcher going tonight in Matt Cain, but Max Scherzer is no slouch.  He was second in the AL in strikeouts (second to Verlander), has a nasty sinker/fastball combo, and a sick 0.82 ERA in the post season.  If the Tigers win tonight, then Verlander pitches Game 5.  Chalk that down for a win, and now the Tigers have the momentum, and we got ourselves a World Series worth watching.

However, that’s a BIG IF.  In order to win in baseball, you need to score runs…and that’s where the Tigers’ problems lie.  They’ve been held scoreless the past 2 games in a row (to put that in perspective, in 162 regular season games this year, they were shut out only 2 times), due in part by solid pitching from San Fran but also due to a lack of clutch hitting.  It’s sounds like we’ve said this before, but there’s no way the Tigers bats can be silent for 4 games in a row.  There’s also no way Miggy will pop out with the bases loaded.

Come on, Detroit.  Give the City a reason to start barrel fires besides utter hopelessness and a meth problem.  Plus, we’re not ready for baseball to be over (if only they would play more games during the regular season).

Lock it down.  The Tigers find a way to stay alive.

WEEK 8: Insanely Deep-Sleepers

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Need a last minute Jordy Nelson replacement? Has Aaron Hernandez’s Maddenesque fear of flying left you without a TE option? Here are 4 players you can pull of the fantasy scrap heap (all less than 25% owned in Yahoo! leagues) that could provide some relief:

1. Brandon Stokley, WR (Den, 23%Y) – Stokley’s earned himself a lifetime pass to the Manning Family’s Thanksgiving dinner with his sure hands, toughness and ability to always run the right route, even when Sir Peyton changes the play 8 times before snapping the ball.  Stokley is buried on this depth chart, behind talent wideouts Decker and Thomas.  So he certainly isn’t going to give you big catch or yardage totals, but he seems to be a Manning favorite in the redzone as evident by his 3 TD’s on only 19 catches.  The matchup certainly is right, all the bounties in the world couldn’t help this Saints defense.h

2. Brandon Weeden, QB (Cle, 21%Y) – Between San Diego’s stout run defense and T-Richs sore ribs, this could be a game that Weeden is forced to air it out to keep pace with Phil Rivers and Co.  I fully except the fumbles and INTs, but if all goes right I’ll take the 300+ yards and a score or two.

3. Brandon Myers, TE (Oak, 20%Y) – He led the team in targets last week and finished with a PPR-respectable line of 7/44.  Nothing about this divisional matchup is scary.  He could certainly give you 10 points in a PPR.  Hey, you could do worse.

4. Leonard Hankerson, WR (Wash, 9%Y) – Leo Hank is the Redskins starting ‘X’ receiver mostly be default thanks to Pierre Garcons maddening foot ailments.  Interestingly enough, the X-WR is the first read in the new hybrid spread option offense the Shannahans are running with RGIII these days.  While there really isn’t anything exciting about Hanks game, he pulled in 6/70 last week.  The Pittsburgh secondary has had there issue this year.  I’m liking Hanks chances of cracking 100 yards today (Sandy notwithstanding!)

WEEK 8 Staff Picks

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Games
RoidRage
Ginger King
Washington @ Pittsburgh (-4.5) Washington Pitt
Seattle @ Detroit (-1) Seattle Seattle
Carolina @ Chicago (-9) Chicago Chicago
New England (-7.5) @ St. Louis New England New England
Indianapolis @ Tennessee (-3) Indy Indy
Miami @ NYJ (-1) Miami NYJ
San Diego (-2.5) @ Cleveland San Diego San Diego
Jacksonville @ Green Bay (-15.5) Green Bay Green Bay
Atlanta @ Philadelphia (-1) Philly Atlanta
Oakland @ Kansas City (Even) Oakland Oakland
NYG (-1) @ Dallas NYG NYG
New Orleans @ Denver (-7) Denver Denver
San Francisco (-8) @ Arizona San Fran San Fran
     
 Roid Rage’s 3-Banger Special: Wash (+4.5)  NYG (-1) SF (-8) 
 Ginger King’s All-In:                    NYG (-1)  Jets (-1)  Oakland (Pk)

Happy Birthday Roid Rage!

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While Ginger King waived bye-bye to 30 a few years ago, The Machine’s younger half, Roid Rage, is now a proud member of Club 30!  Totally buying into the whole “30 is the new 20”, Roid Rage is no doubt face deep in a pitcher of cold, frost-brewed Coors Light (hopefully one day the official sponsor of The Machine).

Start making a bucket list, old man (and no, the Bills winning the Super Bowl should not be on it).

Happy birthday!!!

Game 3 – Back in Mo Town Bitches!!!

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The Machine has been slightly off thus far in the World Series (we are taking credit for calling Fister’s solid performance—travesty that he got credited with the loss) but we’re not ready to give up on the Tigers yet…although we should.

Just four days ago, everyone was lamenting the Giants’ predicament, having to start Zito in Game 1 and not being able to set their rotation after a grueling 7 game series with St. Louis.  What was an unfortunate situation has now turned golden for San Francisco, who now have their two best pitchers (Vogelsong and Cain) for Games 3 and 4.

The Tigers, meanwhile, trot out underperforming Anibal Sanchez.  A big name pick up at the trade deadline, Sanchez has been shaky at best for the Tigers.  He’s stepped up his game as of late (2.43 ERA in September) and has been almost unhittable in the post season, posting a 1.35 ERA with hitters batting .174.  Plus, as a Marlin, he threw 2 complete game shut outs against the Giants.  Sanchez, a free agent at the end of the season, could cement the Top 5 contract he’s looking for with a clutch performance.

However, as Game 2 showed us, great pitching isn’t enough.  Where the hell are the Tigers’ bats???  Miggy and crew have looked downright befuddled, and have coupled poor hitting with even poorer base running decisions (if only Prince could only slim down to 250, he’d have been safe).  For Christ sake, someone pass the Patron to Miggy, desperate times call for desperate measures.

The Giants, meanwhile, have played smart baseball, and have risen to the occasion, as every champion must.  Kung Fu Panda has been absolutely dominant, and even though Buster Posey still gets carded for buying lotto tickets, his .428 average this series is impressive.

While the momentum clearly favors San Francisco, The Machine still believes there’s life in the Tigers (chalk it up to our innate stubbornness).  Sanchez wants that contract (paging:  Brian Cashman) so look for him to continue his post season dominance.  And the Tigers’ bats cannot be quiet three games in a row (right?).

Look for the Tigers to ride the Mo Town love to a Game 3 victory.