Bang it here to read Ginger King’s rant on why the Patriots will win lose the Super Bowl.  Cliff notes version: basically, GK talks about how awesome Brady and Gronk are, but then it quickly unravels into a NY Giants propaganda piece; you can’t spell Elite without Eli blah blah blah…

So sure, I got “stuck” with Katy Perry and the Seahawks.  GK is not only disappointed that the G-Men are watching from home, but also that his boy Bruno bonerjam Mars declined an encore halftime performance.  There is always next year buddy (spoken like a true Bills fan)!

Let’s get the ol’ clichés out of the way shall we?  This time of the year you always hear “defense wins championships” and “you have to be able to run the ball and stop the run”.  If that lazy analysis is all it takes then, BAM! Exhibit A:

1st is pretty good, right?!

I know what you’re thinking, Seattle shouldn’t even be here; this would be Rodgers v. Brady if Green Bay didn’t give away the NFC Championship game.  But I’m not buying that weak ass explanation of how we got here.  Green Bay didn’t give that game away as much as the Seahawks took it from them.  Russell Wilson, who was playing pitch and catch with the Packer secondary all day long, made plays he when he had too.  It also doesn’t hurt that Marshawn Lynch went all BeastMode in the 4^th quarter either.  Speaking of Marshawn…

He enjoys long walks on the beach, Skittles, and making full grown men cry.

Marshawn Lynch is the football equivalent of Dennis Rodman (except Lynch actually scores).  Each takes on the persona of an over-the-top, in-your-face, stick-it-to-the-man badass (a shtick both use for their own capital gains… hey kids, buy your officially licensed BeastMode gear here!).  Crotch grabs notwithstanding, it’s what Lynch does on the field that matters.  Between rushing and receiving, Marshawn tallied 1700 all purpose yards during the regular season and scored more non-passing touchdowns (17) than anyone else in the league.  That is beastly production.  He has great balance and agility, which, combined with his power running style makes him nearly impossible for one guy to tackle.  New England’s defensive is stout against the run, but they will have their toughest matchup of the season come Sunday.

Seattle has an effective read-option element to their run game that keeps edge defenders honest just long enough to buy Lynch an extra split second to find daylight.  Should the defender get eager and commit too early, Russell Wilson is savvy enough to tuck it way and run with it.  Speaking of Russell…

Been there. Done that.

You know he isn’t going to throw four interceptions in the Super Bowl, right?  But if he does, you know he has the mental make-up to shake it off and go make a play.  A lesser quarterback would fold under similar circumstances.  I imagine that said lesser QB will be watching the big game from his couch… or maybe filming another Papa Johns commercial.

Wilson is 10-0 against other Super Bowl winning QB’s.  That’s a funny stat, because Russell doesn’t actually play against the others quarterbacks, Seattle’s nasty defense does.  Speaking of the Legion of Boom…

Will there be cameras and microphones at the Super Bowl? Oh, than I guarantee Sherman is there.

Sherman.  Thomas. Chancellor.  These are household names by now.  This secondary is full of ball hawks that fly (puns intended) around all over the field.  But their front-seven, while less unheralded, is just as formidable.  I’ve heard numerous talking heads say that New England is going to establish the run with LeGarrett Blount.  I don’t see it.  First, we’re talking about LeGarrette freaking Blount.  Second, New England doesn’t exactly impose their will on the ground, evident by their 18^th ranked rushing attack.  Their offensive line has gotten pushed around and has looked pedestrian at times.  While Seattle won’t have the benefit of the 12th Man (easily like the 17^th or 18^th best fan base in the league by-the-way…..that’s right, I said it) their front four will consistently make plays in the backfield.  Haven’t we already seen what this defense can do on the biggest stage against an immobile, future HOF QB with marginal run support?

Lucky for us, this game won’t be a blowout.  Points are going to be a premium in what will be a closely contested game.  In the end, Seattle’s defense, running attack and Russell Wilson calm-under-fire demeanor are the difference. Give me the Hawks, 23-20.

(barf)

It’s almost time for the big game.  This one’s tough to call.  It’s #1 v. #1 (so much for parity).  Both teams seem pretty evenly matched up.  The Patriots and their high octane offense led by dreamboat Tom Brady and the honorary social chair for every fraternity, Rob Gronkowski, against Richard Sherman and the Legion of Boom.

Yes, the Super Bowl is finally here, with all its grandiose display of shameless corporate promotion and endless interviews and press coverage.  But that’s why we love it.  It’s the biggest display of American excess pride we got.  I mean, we call them “World Champions” but the sport’s only played here.  How much more ‘Merica can you get?

Looking forward to Maria’s pre-game reporting.

At our Editorial Board meeting, it was decided that Roid Rage and I would each pick a team and explain why they would win the Super Bowl.  Roid Rage will also be live tweeting the Katy Perry halftime special.  Lucky for me, I got the Patriots, because they are going to win the Super Bowl.  Like it or not, but Tom Brady is about to win his 4th Super Bowl title.

You can analyze all the stats you want, but this years’ Super Bowl comes down to three questions:

What is Tom Brady’s record in the Super Bowl against the New York Giants?

What is Tom Brady’s record in the Super Bowl against the rest of the NFL?

Are the Giants in the Super Bowl?

Sorry America, Eli’s not here to bail you out this time.

There you go.  It is that simple.  Arguably, Tom Brady should have 5 Super Bowls, the Pats should have a 19-0 record and Don Shula and the rest of the ’72 Dolphins would remain on lock down in The Villages (Florida’s friendliest hometown).  But who knew that Tom Coughlin and Eli Manning would be their kryptonite?  No such problem this time around.

The Patriots are built different than many other teams, and this goes right to how well coached they are.  List the top wide receivers in the game.  How many does it take before you get to a Patriot?  What about running back?  Their scheme involves a plug and play approach at the skill positions.  Protect Tom Brady with a solid offensive line, and then it doesn’t matter who runs or catches the ball.  Remember Jonas Gray, who ran for 201 yards and 4 tds against the Colts back in November?  How many yards has he had since (including the playoffs)?  84.  Christ, LeGarrette Blount wasn’t even on the team two months ago.  Last week, he ran for 148 yards and scored 3 touchdowns.

Sure, the Patriots will stretch (read: willfully violate) any rule in the NFL rulebook, be it videotaping, illegal formations, or, most recently, deflating footballs.  But you know what?  It works, and Belichick couldn’t give to shits about what you think.  His smug, pugnacious, arrogant demeanor embodies this team.  Granted, they may be hated by the rest of the country and by everyone that can properly pronounce the letter “r” (it’s PARK YOUR CAR, dammit!) but he doesn’t care.

Good job executing that play that will be deemed illegal next week (read: after we already won).

Bill should be looking at videotape (whether legally or illegally recorded) of the Seahawks/Packers game two weeks ago.  In that first half, Russell Wilson had 2 completions and 3 ints.  Green Bay did that by pressuring with the front 4 and containing the edge, preventing Wilson from executing the weak side read-option run that he is so brilliant at.  The Patriots have the speed and discipline up front to do that.

On the flip side, Seattle’s D is predicated on their back 4 (the Legion of Boom), not the front 4.  If Tom has time, I don’t care who is in Seattle’s secondary.  And Gronk is a matchup nightmare for anyone.

It takes at least two people to guard Gronk.

And let’s talk about coaching for a second.  Sure, Pete Carroll will have some tricks up his sleeve…his coaching is what turned things around in the NFC Championship game, with ballsy calls like the fake field goal (props to John Ryan (a ginger) for being the first special teams player to throw a touchdown in the playoffs), but does anyone think he can outfox Belichick?  Really?  I think Pete will try too hard to out-Bellichick, Bellichick, and it will cost him.

Just not my moobs.

Regardless, this should be an entertaining game.  There will be lots of fireworks and exciting plays.  This should be a high scoring, close game, and when the clock hits 0:00, the blue and red confetti will rain down, and the Patriots will once again be crowned World Champions.  Sometimes, being evil pays off.

At some point, this will get old for him.

Indianapolis @ New England (-7.0)

Championship Sunday wraps up with the Colts taking on Tom Brady and the Patriots in Foxboro.  Brady + Belichick + Foxboro + January = I know where I’m laying my money.

Foxboro Forecast: Rain & easy money

The Colts are a fun team to root for.  Andrew Luck is living up to his enormous hype…you know, the best quarterback prospect since John Elway.  The Indianapolis brain-trust is vindicated in their decision to cut bait on an aging Peyton Manning for 15 years of Andrew Luck.  Just ask Jim Irsay, he’ll be glad to tell you all about it. The Colts feature explosive wideouts in TY Hilton and Donte Moncrief. They can’t run the ball for shit, get pushed around in the trenches, are considerably reckless in the ball security department and don’t put up much of a fight on defensive.  As a result, they tend to get into shootouts and let Luck carry the team on his shoulders.  But didn’t they just hold the Broncos and Bengals to 13 and 10 points respectively you ask?  Sure, but honestly could you pick two bigger playoff choke artists than Andy Dalton and Peyton Manning?  Plus, as it turns out, Peyton McChokeyChoke had two bum legs to go along with that robo neck of his.

Butterface Fanbase

Tom Brady doesn’t choke in the playoffs….unless it’s the Super Bowl….against the G-Men.  But don’t take my word for it, just look at their squeaky clean 16-4 home playoff record.  By the way, half of those loses came at the hands of Joe Flacco and the Baltimore Ravens in recent years, so those demons got exorcised last weekend.

The Patriots are simply a bad match-up for the Colts.  Look no further than the boxscore of the week 11 beat down the Pats laid on the Colts (in Indianapolis).  They made Jonas Gray look like a young-and-not-so-bitter Jim Brown as he dropped 200 yards and 4 touchdowns on them. So Gray is going to go bananas again, right? Wrong!  Remember, Belichick is a genius…or a lunatic, pick your adjective…for all we know Gray won’t even be active for the game (which will still make him as useful as Trent Richardson).  For these reasons I’ve learned to stop hating and love the hoodie!

This guy is a handful

Vegas is predicting a shootout with an over/under of 54 and has the Patriots as a one touchdown favorites.  I think Luck is game enough to keep this close for a few quarters but Brady-to-Gronk proves to be too much.  The Patriots win by double digits and use this as a tune-up for the Seahawks.  Silver-lining for the Colts: Andrew Luck will have a reason to shave that woodchuck hanging from his neck.

You’ll never land a Papa Johns deal with this look.