The NBA – Our Bad

In a testament as to how relevant the NBA is, apparently the season has already started.  Don’t get The Machine wrong, we care about the NBA, in fact, we love the NBA.  It’s true.  Lebron, Melo, Black Mamba, D-Wade, Durantula, what’s not to love?  Then why haven’t you posted about the NBA yet?  Good question.  As The Machined gnawed over that question, we received the following phone call at 2:00 am.


The Machine:  [removing overnight retainer] Hello?  Who is this?  Are you locked up again Roid Rage?

[unidentified caller]: What haven’t you written about the NBA?

The Machine:  David Stern?  Is that you?  Have you been drinking?

David Stern:  Umm, no, [garbled, garbled] it’s Daniel Steinberg.  [unintelligible]  Well, are you going to answer me?

The Machine:  Well…it’s just that…well…err…the problem is…

David Stern [speech slurred]:  What?

Puzzled by his question, The Machine was unsure if he meant “what is the problem” or “what are you wearing” The Machine assumed the former but was curiously intrigued by the latter.  However, being the upstanding journalists that we are (it’s easy to deflect a booty call from a 70 year old white guy) we had to be honest.

The Machine:  The problem is the worst has come true.  There is no parity anymore.  We know the Heat are going to win.  We know there are only 5 relevant teams (Miami, LA (Lakers), Knicks, Celtics, and Thunder).  The rest of the league is mediocre to awful.  Small market teams are dead.  Portland?  Memphis?  Golden Gate?  Cleveland?  Had enough?  No?  Sacramento?  Charlotte?  New Orleans?  Denver?  Utah?  Are you fucking kidding us?  Those are D-league or And-1 squads.  And we’re being generous.  Detroit, Toronto and Washington are a collective 1-14, and we can easily throw in Indiana, Houston, and Phoenix as also irrelevant (is Penny Hardaway still on the Suns?  Those lil Penny commercials were the shit!)  Anyway, that’s half, yes, HALF the fucking league that consistently puts out a shitty product.

David Stern:  Finished asshole?

The Machine:  Just getting started.  The playoffs take fucking forever, get some control of pre-game celebrations, I can’t tell if I’m watching the Clippers/Mavs or Step it Up 2:  The Streets, and for Christ sake, put a fucking hit on Stephen A. Smith and Skip Bayless!  And, you’re a lame duck Commissioner!  You created this mess and are going to dump this bag of shit on to some as-of-today unknown successor.  You’re worse then Bud Selig.

David Stern:  I meant what are you wearing, dick. [dial tone].

So there you have it.  The NBA is as interesting as May baseball.  It’s even worse than that, because we already know how it’s going to end.  Sorry if we can’t get excited about that.  We’ll try to put a good face on and keep the NBA in our thoughts, but unless MJ comes out of retirement (dude could still average 20+ a game) there’s no compelling storylines.  The entire season is about 5 teams (really one).

Case in point:  The Lakers just fired Mike Brown and are considering hiring Phil Jackson?  The rich get richer…

WEEK 10 Staff Picks – ATS

Games Roid Rage Ginger King Results
                  Last week (Year to date): 9-5 (18-9) 8-6 (18-9)  
Indianapolis (-3.5) @ Jacksonville Jacksonville  Indy  Indy by 17
Detroit (-1) @ Minnesota  Detroit  Minn  Minn by 10
Atlanta (-1) @ New Orleans  Atlanta  New Orleans  NO by 4
NYG (-4) @ Cincinnati  NYG  NYG  Cincy by 18
Oakland @ Baltimore (-7.5)  Oakland  Balt  Balt by 35
Buffalo @ New England (-11)  NE  NE  NE by 6
Tennessee @ Miami (-6)  Miami  Miami  Tenn by 34
San Diego @ Tampa Bay (-3)  TB  TB  TB by 10
Denver (-4) @ Carolina  Denver  Denver  Denver by 22
NYJ @ Seattle (-6)  NYJ  Seattle  Seattle by 21
St Louis @ San Francisco (-11)  SF  SF  Tie
Dallas (-1) @ Philadelphia  Philly  Dallas Dallas by 15 
Houston @ Chicago (-1)  Houston  Houston  Houston by 7
Kansas City @ Pittsburgh (-11.5)  Pitt  Pitt  Pitt by 3
Bet the farm!…and the house!….and little Johnny’s 529 savings!:  
RR: NYG (-4)….Denver (-4)….Oakland (+7.5)
GK: NYG (-4)…Denver (-4)…NE(-11)

Tuesday Teabag, November 6, 2012 – The Electoral College

After taking a beating in College football over the weekend (thanks Notre Dame) The Machine is switching gears and putting on its political dunce cap.  Hey, we got to put that Political Science degree to some use.

Anywho, after being relentlessly bombarded with political ads over the past few months (did you know Democrats burn the Flag while aborting babies, and Republicans beat the homeless with Bibles?) it all comes down one night:  Election Night, baby!  Drama, intrigue, Wolf Blitzer!  What could be wrong with that?

A lot, actually.  Every four years, America gets reacquainted with the Electoral College, and reminded that we’re not really a democracy at all.  What is the Electoral College, you ask?  Well, you could log on to facebook and read a thrilling discourse on American politics posted by your friends, your ex, and the creepy people whose friend requests you were afraid not to accept, or you can bypass those losers and come right to The Machine.

The Electoral College is the most irrelevant College in the World, even more so than Bryant and Stratton.  The Electoral College is like the Anniversary BJ, except comes around less frequently, if that’s even possible.

Truth is, no one knows what the Electoral College actually is, not even the freaks on facebook.  Wikipedia tells you it’s designed to protect the rights of smaller states, however the smaller states have fewer electoral college votes, so how are they really protected?  Anyone catch that Presidential speech in Bismark?  No?  That’s because no one gives a shit about their 3 Electoral College votes.  And if there was no Electoral College…we still wouldn’t give a shit about North Dakota.

The Electoral College—unlike the Anniversary BJ—serves no good purpose.  Underscoring that is the fact that you never hear from the Electoral College.  Pull back the curtain and let us know what you’re all about.  Show us why you’re important and necessary to our presidential elections.  Instead, we get silence, and The Machine does not like people who won’t defend their honor.

Fact:  the Electoral College is as useful as that Hospitality Management degree from Bryant and Stratton (which only leads to a career in stripping btw).  Enjoy your Tuesday Teabag, Electoral College.

The Machine approves this message.

Week 9 – Sleepers

If you’re like us, you are neglecting your family right now, over-thinking your starting lineup and scanning the waiver wires.  Need a quick fix to fill in your roster?  Read on, brother, The Machine has your back.  Here are our Week 9 Sleepers.

  1. Cecil Shorts (JAC, 32% Y).  It’s surprising Cecil is only owned in 32% of all leagues, because he has established himself as the #1 WR in Jacksonville.  Granted, that’s kind of like being the skinniest kid at fat camp, but hey, it’s something.  The Jags always play from behind, and with MJD (and Laruent Robinson) dinged up, look for Blaine Gabbert to throw early and often.  He’s averaged 6/97 over the past two weeks, and we’ll take those numbers any day.  He goes against a Detroit secondary that has been atrocious so far this season.  If you’re looking for a WR, plug him in with confidence.
  2. Dennis Pitta (BALT, 34% Y).  Pitta started off the year on fire, averaging over 16 pts. the first 3 weeks.  He’s cooled off as of late, but remains a good option if you need to fill in a TE this week.  Flacco looks for him consistently in the redzone, and Baltimore should spend a lot of time there in Cleveland today.
  3. Joique Bell (DET, 16% Y).  The Machine has no idea how to pronounce his first name, but we do know that (a) Mikel Leshoure is hurting and (b) Bell is a pass-catching RB that stands to see more action today against Jacksonville.  He’s a decent flex plug-in or RB2 if you’re desperate.
  4. Domenik Hixon (NYG, 20% Y).  Being the number 3 option on the G-men is like being a #2 WR anywhere else.  Eli and co. love to throw the ball, and Eli does a good job spreading the love.  Hixon gets his share of looks (especially on 3rd down) and if Pitt tries to shut down Nicks and Cruz, that should open up some lanes for Hixon.

WEEK 9 Staff Picks – ATS

Games Roid Rage Ginger King Results
Last week (Year to date):  9-4 (9-4)  10-3 (10-3)  
Kansas City @ San Diego (-7.5) KC KC San Diego (-18)
Miami (-1.5) @ Indianapolis Miami Miami Indy (-3)
Buffalo @ Houston (-10) Houston Houston Houston (-12)
Baltimore (-3.5) @ Cleveland Cleveland Baltimore Baltimore (-10)
Denver (-3.5) @ Cincinnati Denver Denver Denver (-8)
Chicago (-3.5) @ Tennessee Chicago Chicago Chicago (-31)
Detroit (-4) @ Jacksonville Detoit Detoit Detroit (-17)
Arizona @ Green Bay (-11) GB GB GB (-14)
Carolina @ Washington (-3) Carolina Washington Carolina (-8)
Minnesota @ Seattle (-4.5) Minnesota Minnesota Seattle (-10)
Tampa Bay @ Oakland (Pk) TB TB TB (-10)
Pittsburgh @ NYG (-3) Pittsburgh NYG Pitt (-4)
Dallas @ Atlanta (-4) Dallas Dallas Atlanta (-6)
Philadelphia @ New Orleans (-3) New Orleans New Orleans  New Orleans (-15)
Top 3 Can’t Miss Picks:  
RR:MIAMI (-1.5), DETROIT (-4), DALLAS (+4)