In a testament as to how relevant the NBA is, apparently the season has already started. Don’t get The Machine wrong, we care about the NBA, in fact, we love the NBA. It’s true. Lebron, Melo, Black Mamba, D-Wade, Durantula, what’s not to love? Then why haven’t you posted about the NBA yet? Good question. As The Machined gnawed over that question, we received the following phone call at 2:00 am.
The Machine: [removing overnight retainer] Hello? Who is this? Are you locked up again Roid Rage?
[unidentified caller]: What haven’t you written about the NBA?
The Machine: David Stern? Is that you? Have you been drinking?
David Stern: Umm, no, [garbled, garbled] it’s Daniel Steinberg. [unintelligible] Well, are you going to answer me?
The Machine: Well…it’s just that…well…err…the problem is…
David Stern [speech slurred]: What?
Puzzled by his question, The Machine was unsure if he meant “what is the problem” or “what are you wearing” The Machine assumed the former but was curiously intrigued by the latter. However, being the upstanding journalists that we are (it’s easy to deflect a booty call from a 70 year old white guy) we had to be honest.
The Machine: The problem is the worst has come true. There is no parity anymore. We know the Heat are going to win. We know there are only 5 relevant teams (Miami, LA (Lakers), Knicks, Celtics, and Thunder). The rest of the league is mediocre to awful. Small market teams are dead. Portland? Memphis? Golden Gate? Cleveland? Had enough? No? Sacramento? Charlotte? New Orleans? Denver? Utah? Are you fucking kidding us? Those are D-league or And-1 squads. And we’re being generous. Detroit, Toronto and Washington are a collective 1-14, and we can easily throw in Indiana, Houston, and Phoenix as also irrelevant (is Penny Hardaway still on the Suns? Those lil Penny commercials were the shit!) Anyway, that’s half, yes, HALF the fucking league that consistently puts out a shitty product.
David Stern: Finished asshole?
The Machine: Just getting started. The playoffs take fucking forever, get some control of pre-game celebrations, I can’t tell if I’m watching the Clippers/Mavs or Step it Up 2: The Streets, and for Christ sake, put a fucking hit on Stephen A. Smith and Skip Bayless! And, you’re a lame duck Commissioner! You created this mess and are going to dump this bag of shit on to some as-of-today unknown successor. You’re worse then Bud Selig.
David Stern: I meant what are you wearing, dick. [dial tone].
So there you have it. The NBA is as interesting as May baseball. It’s even worse than that, because we already know how it’s going to end. Sorry if we can’t get excited about that. We’ll try to put a good face on and keep the NBA in our thoughts, but unless MJ comes out of retirement (dude could still average 20+ a game) there’s no compelling storylines. The entire season is about 5 teams (really one).
Case in point: The Lakers just fired Mike Brown and are considering hiring Phil Jackson? The rich get richer…