What is it about baseball players that make them susceptible to the strangest, oddest, and downright weirdest injuries of any athletes?  Seriously, year in and year out, the dumbest injuries happen to baseball players.  Whether it’s sneezing too hard (Sammy Sosa), burning your face by falling asleep in a tanning bed (Marty Cordova), or stabbing yourself in the stomach while using a knife to take off a DVD wrapper (Adam Eaton), baseball players are cursed.  Or just stupid and unable to perform simple tasks off the field.

The 2013 season hasn’t even started yet, and already we have a slew of worthy contenders.

Michael Taylor (Oakland)

Injured himself throwing away a piece of gum.  Seriously, he lacerated his pinkie (in two places) while attempting to throw out gum, and had missed a week of spring training.  This one’s odd, I mean, who throws out gum pinkie out. 

Elvis Andrus (Texas)

Sat out a game due to soreness in his arm…from getting a tattoo.  This injury isn’t as weird as it is stupid.  Elvis, your last game was October 5, you had between then and the start of spring training (roughly 5 months) to get tatted up.  Instead, you wait until spring training starts (i.e. you’re back working) to get some ink.  Tattoos by nature are pretty badass, unless you’re this guy, but taking a day off work because it hurt too much instantly takes away any street cred. 

Gio Gonzalez (Washington)

Not sure what to make of Gio…but he sported a sweet looking scar on his forehead.  Bar fight, perhaps?  Catch a line drive off your face?  Not quite.  Gio sustained the injury (later confirmed to be a rug burn) by wrestling with his dog, Hollywood…a French Bulldog.  Fortunately for Gio, he didn’t miss any playing time.  Also, he’s got a good sense of humor (which The Machine appreciates) and when describing his “fight” with Hollywood said:  “She gave me a rug burn. I hate her. And then I love her.  And then I look in her face and then I love her again.”

Jordany Valdespin (Mets)

Jordany takes the cake with the dumbest injury thus far.  It seems innocent enough:  while squaring around to bunt, he takes a Verlander fastball to the junk.  Not good under any circumstances.  However, Jordany raised the bar of stupidity when it was revealed that he wasn’t wearing a cup.  That’s right….a 94 mph heater right to the babymaker.  What could possibly possess you to not wear a cup, especially someone that bunts with an open stance?  Obviously, even with a cup (or full body armor) a Justin Verlander fastball is going to hurt…but as stupid as it is to stand in there with no helmet on, it’s equally as dumb to step in the box without a cup.  The Machine has broken out in a cold sweat just thinking about this.

There you have it…proving once again that real men play [insert any sport besides baseball].  Enjoy the teabags fellas, and Jordany…the next time you’re at the plate make sure to bubble wrap the boys!

If a tweet is worth 140 characters and a picture is worth 1,000 words than please tell me, how much is a mug shot worth?!  Nick Nolte is still cashing in on his rather infamous photoshoot(s) with the popo; but he may have to relinquish his title as king of the batshit craziest mug shot, because there is a new sheriff in town……

That my friends is (are you ready for this) UNRESTRICTED free agent, HARVARD graduate, NFL starting defensive tackle Desmond Bryant.  Not to be confused with deadbeat mom-beater Dez Bryant of the Dallas “Get Loaded and Drive Home” Cowboys.  Sidenote: Dez was real quick to take to twitter to proclaim is innocence and detail his alibi.  Moral victory Dez, we get it; your time will come soon enough you ticking time bomb you!

But back to our friend, Desmond.  Dude, we’ve all been there (chances are, if you’re reading this blog you’ve been there more than once…..this month).   In fact, while you’re out there busting your ass each Sunday on the gridiron, The Machine is putting in a full days work at a local watering hole trying to get to the exact state you were in when the above picture was taken.  Eyes glazed to the point they look soulless; tongue so dry that you can’t bother keeping it in your mouth any longer; so disheveled that your clothing becomes an afterthought.  Hell, this bender was so rich you couldn’t even bother with some bling, a hat, or even with a proper shave.  Well done boss.

As for the crime, well, according to the LA Times, you were arrested “on a misdemeanor charge of criminal mischief after allegedly causing a commotion at a neighbor’s house while inebriated.”  Translation:  your hammered ass stumbled through your neighbor’s backyard, dropping some freestyle rhymes while kicking over their Mary-in-a-bathtub lawn decoration and dropping a deuce in their pool.  Again, we’ve all been there!  And we’ve all got that noisy bitch neighbor who is trigger happy with the 911 speed dial.  That’s why, in the same vein as Co-MVP’s, The Machine has decided to name your neighbors as Co-Teabag Award recipients.  They certainly could have helped the big fella to his house, gotten him tucked into bed and even scored a few game worn jerseys out of the whole ordeal.  That could have been a real win-win for your (not so close-knit) community.  Or course, the rest of us would have missed out on your gem of a mug shot, so I guess we owe those Debbie Downers an ounce of gratitude for that.

Sure, the photograph is embarrassing and all, but here is the real bitch of it.  Depending on who you ask, the average NFL career is between 3.5 years (DeSmith) and 6 year (RG1). Either way, it’s a very small window to make bank.  A majority of players will only get one opportunity to hit free agency and negotiate a second, and financially significant, contract.  Prior to your photo shoot, you had some decent negotiating power on your side.  In the last four years you suited up for 63 out of 64 games; registered 124 tackles, 11.5 sacks and 3 forced fumbles.  The last two season you’ve flashed some ability as a dependable, starting defensive tackle.  I think you could use Kendall Langford’s deal last offseason as a base: 4 years $24M, with $12M guaranteed.  Of course, that was before this…..

Now, tell me, what GM and what Owner wants to hand this guy $12-15M, guaranteed?!  It’s not that fact that you got blitzed (pun intended) and kicked your neighbor’s poodle.  It’s the timing of it that has cost you (and your agent) millions of (easy) free agency dollars!  This is such a brutally simple concept that NFL (and all professional athletes presumably) don’t comprehend.  Surround yourself with people who won’t let you do dumb things (or at least are willing to take the fall for you) until your playing days are over!

But I guess it has earned you mad respect in the mug shot community.  The Machine hopes that in a few years you and your neighbors will be able laugh at this whole story; but until then, enjoy your Teabag Award!

With football over, it’s time to focus on the misgivings of other athletes (for the counterpoint to the Teabag, check out our BOB).  This week, it’s none other than Josh Hamilton, the can’t miss/can’t miss a bar/found Jesus/loves the rock/doesn’t love the rock/just a matter of time before he falls off the wagon (again) kid.  You can say Josh had a pretty good offseason, signing a five year, $125 million dollar contract with the Angels.  But this goes to show you…even gobs of money won’t stop you from acting like a fool.

Josh, not content with looking at his bank account, found time to throw his old team, the Texas Rangers, and their fans, under the bus.  Josh complained that Dallas really wasn’t a baseball town, and that the fans are spoiled.  Now, these comments alone aren’t really eye-raising.  Sure, they’re dickish, but sometimes it’s ok to be dickish to your former employer.  However, there are rules for doing so.

If you were shunned and/or pushed out by your former club, then it’s ok.  No one gives Kevin Youkilis shit for ragging on the Red Sox.  Also, if your former Manager was Bobby Valentine, you get a lifetime pass.  But in Josh’s case, it’s different.

Josh was once the number one overall pick in the 1999 MLB draft for Tampa Bay.  However, he never realized his potential, primarily because he smoked and drank everything within a ten mile radius of the clubhouse.  Out of baseball, Josh returned in 2007 for one year with Cincinnati, and then parlayed that into five solid years with Texas…getting to two World Series and winning the AL MVP in 2010.  Sure, he had a couple of missteps (read: relapses) during those five years, but the Rangers stuck with him.  And that’s why he should kiss the ground they (and their fans) walk on.

Josh is just another example of talent trumping character…but even that has its limits.  Josh became a hero in Dallas because they stuck with him and waited for him to realize his potential…that, and averaging more than 28 homers and 101 RBI will do it.  We’re suckers for a feel good story of perseverance and conquering addictions.  Texas could have easily cut him during one of his mini-benders and no one would’ve batted an eye.  Sure, someone else would’ve given him (another) chance, but not to the tune of five years, $125 million.

No one should be thanking their old team more than Josh.  Seriously, for his introductory press conference in LA, he should’ve worn a throwback Nolan Ryan Angels  jersey and thanked his old boss for giving him the chance to become a star.  Instead, he shows his true colors by immediately turning his back on those who supported him the most.  After his comments went viral, Josh (read: his publicist) was quick to issue the “taken out of context” line the next day, but The Machine’s not buying that.  Query:  has the “taken out of context” line ever worked?  The Machine’s willing to bet it’s as successful as the “I didn’t realize that was your sister” line.

The Rangers already had a bad taste in their mouth from you based on your 0-4 (with two strikeouts) performance in the wildcard game last season (your last game with Texas).  This just pours salt over the wounds.

Without the Rangers, he’s likely tits up in some seedy motel getting tatted (again) or worse.  We’re hoping he has a solid support system in LA (Dr. Drew’s close by) and stays off the sauce.  We’re also hoping he learns some humility.

Step 1 is denial.  Step 2 is a teabag.

A new segment in The Machine’s ever expanding bag of tricks, we present to you the Badge of Badass, a/k/a the B.O.B.  What’s a Badge of Badass?  Well, it’s pretty self-explanatory.  While The Machine loves its Tuesday Teabags (and let’s be honest, it’s more fun to make fun of people) there are times when people do extraordinary things and should be duly recognized for their efforts.  So, from time to time, The Machine will hand out BOBs.  Still having trouble figuring out what qualifies for a BOB?  Read on.

The Machine’s inaugural BOB goes to Daniela Holmqvist, a 24 year old Swedish rookie on the LPGA.  Daniela was qualifying for the Australian Open on Tuesday and, while on the fourth hole, gets bit on the ankle by a black widow spider.  Yes, a fucking black widow, which looks like this, and for more fear inducing pictures, click here (The Machine just wet himself a little).

Daniela, with her leg swelling up, does something astonishing, instantly becoming a legend.  Channeling her inner MacGyver, she takes a golf tee, and slices open her leg to drain the poison out.  “A clear fluid came out,” Holmqvist said.  “It wasn’t the prettiest thing I’ve ever done but I had to get as much of it out of me as possible.”  Amazingly, she then finished her round, shooting a 74 and failing to qualify for the Open, but her efforts were by no means a failure.

This is one of the most courageous and fearless acts in all of sport…add in the fact that it’s a young, Swedish, female golfer (we’ve yet to Google image search her yet but are willing to bet she’s blonde and attractive) and this makes it very similar to a reoccurring dream of The Machine (minus the deadly spider bite).

Seriously, our modern day athletes are, by and large, self-absorbed prima donnas.  The days of Ronnie Lott telling the trainer to cut off his finger so he can go back in the game are long gone.  We have athletes complaining of hang nails, getting injured moving boxes and playing Guitar Hero.  Shit, LeBron won’t even play in the dunk competition because he’s too much of a pussy.  But Daniela deserves props for her incredible actions.  She also deserves a sponsorship from Black Widow golf grips and spikes.  Come on guys, that’s a no brainer.

Anyway, congrats Daniela on your BOB, and best of luck on the rest of the season.  You’ve got a new fan in The Machine.

We’re about an hour away from kickoff of what promises to be an entertaining game.  Anyone sick of the cross-promotional ads yet?  Yes, the Lone Ranger does look that terrible.  Anyway, back to the task at hand.  The Machine’s had a tough time figuring out this one.  The Niners are the hotter team.  Fast, punishing defense and an offense that no one has figured out (yet:  see Year 2 of the Wildcat).  Ginger King questioned the decision to start C-Kap…but obviously that’s paid off (Alex Smith will look great in a Bills uniform next year).  There’s really no way to pick against the Niners, unless….

They’re playing a team of destiny, and right now, the Ravens have the look of a team of destiny.  They’re almost reminiscent of the Giants of last year.  That overtime win at Denver?  Improbable.  Near double-digit underdogs to the Patriots?  No problem.  The Ravens have been counted out of every game this post-season, and not only have the risen up to the challenge, but have done so in convincing fashion.  Joe Flacco is no Trent Dilfer (a sigh of relief to the greater-Baltimore area).  Combine that with solid play on both sides of the ball (and some deer antler spray) and the Ravens have the post-season magic.  They’re 4.5 underdogs in the Super Bro™…exactly where they want to be.

This really does have the makings of a close game.  In that respect, point goes to Baltimore, as David Akers has been anything but consistent for the Niners this year…missing 13 field goals with an extremely poor 69% field goal conversion.

Although lady luck is on the Ravens side, The Machine thinks that, at the end of the day, C-Kap and crew will do just enough to bring home the Lombardi trophy.  Sorry Baltimore, but sometimes destiny isn’t enough (see 18-1).

Plus, The Machine is a younger brother, and nothing gives us more pleasure than sending a big FU to your big brother…and what better way to do that than to beat him in the Super Bro™.  Jim Harbaugh clearly will do anything to win…so look for a trick play or two (fake punt, onside kick).  The Machine would love a never-before seen pistol option fleaflicker.  We’ll call it the Reloader™

If you want a safe bet…bet the under.  The Machine doesn’t see this being a high-scoring affair.  If you really want a good bet, tease the Ravens and the Under.  Money in the bank.

Ok, time to drink and eat a ridiculous amount of pepperoni, cheese, and chili.  Enjoy the Game (and if Beyonce lip syncs at Halftime everything will be ruined).

Niners 24, Ravens 20

What a crazy week.  Once again, there was fight to be this week’s Tuesday Teabag.  Honorable mention goes to Tom Brady and his bitch kick.  Do you realize it’s been 8 years since the Patriots won the Super Bowl?  #thedynastyisdead. 

No friends, this Tuesday Teabag goes to none other than Manti Te’o and the Notre Dame Fighting Irish.  For much of the past six days, The Machine has been completely transfixed by the Manti Te’o story.  Was he in on it?  When did he know?  What the fuck is catfishing?  Is there such thing as a Hawaiian Mormon?  So many questions, so little time.  Let’s get right into it.

First, much props to Deadspin for uncovering this nugget of crazy.  If you haven’t read the Deadspin article, do it now.  Those dudes are always all over the stories we need to know (nice work on the Brett Favre junk story, btw).

In some way or another, you’ve all heard and/or read the story by now:  Manti Te’o, star LB for Notre Dame who finished second in the Heisman voting, was in a “relationship” with Lennay Kekua since 2009.  Then, in September, 2012, just after his grandmother dies, his girlfriend dies as well, from leukemia, after recovering from a car accident.  This double-whammy of personal tragedy elevates Manti to the national spotlight (oh how we love watching people play sports through personal problems).  The media (whores) seize on this story, and Manti’s instantly on the cover of Sports Illustrated (note: just because you write about sports doesn’t mean you don’t have to fact check) and he becomes a household name.

There was only one tiny problem:  Lennay did not exist.  The whole relationship was a sham.  Depending on who you believe, Manti was either in on the hoax or was the victim of a cruel joke.  It’s been rumored that a friend of Manti, Ronaiah Tuiasosopo, was the mastermind behind the hoax.  But why and to what gain?  Just messing with a naïve meathead?  And where is Ronaiah?  And then, you have Reagan Mauia of the Arizona Cardinals saying she’s real?  Who the hell is this guy? 

Ok, where do we begin?  First, you’re not in a relationship if you haven’t banged, let alone seen your partner.  Second, Manti…you’re not only a Division I athlete, you’re the starting middle linebacker for the most storied college football program in the country.  You don’t need the internet to get laid (leave that to the losers that paint your helmet every week).  Third, how could you possibly be that dumb where, for three years, you thought you were in a relationship yet never met the person, and, whenever you tried, you were rebuffed?  How many times did you fall for the “my facetime isn’t working” line?  That didn’t clue you in that maybe, just maybe, you’re sexting with a trucker? 

Then, as if things couldn’t get weirder, you pull out (something you never did with Lennay) of the Senior Bowl and become a recluse.  Then, perhaps under the urging of your PR firm, you agree to do an interview but refuse to be on camera.  Thus, we have to form our opinion of whether you’re telling the truth on how Jeremy Schaap formed his.  Yes, this Jeremy Schaap.  No thank you, that did nothing to satisfy us.  We need to see you with our own eyes.

Ok, says PR Team, problem solved.  Manti’s agreed to do an interview, on camera, with hard-hitting award journalist Katie Couric.  That would appear to comply with what we want, but then The Machine’s Research Department uncovered this nugget:  Manti and Katie are represented by the same PR firm.  Do you honestly think they’re going to put Manti in harm’s way by having an objective interview?  Of course not.  This interview will be completely pre-rehearsed, pre-recorded, edited, and framed to make Manti the victim.  Look, we get that that’s the job of a good PR Team.  They need to work double-time to keep you in the first round of the draft.  But dammit, we didn’t waste the better part of five straight working days to not get the truth.  The Machine wants the truth.  The Machine needs the truth.  Sadly, The Machine doesn’t think we’ll ever know the real story.

Unless he scores a 0 on the Wonderlic, The Machine finds it hard to believe that he didn’t know.  Maybe he didn’t help create it, but he certainly didn’t go to any lengths to correct people after he realized what was up.  And what’s with catfishing?  Is it a real thing?  Is it this generation’s version of phony phone calls?  This story, if nothing else, has helped The Machine (comfortably in his 30s) realize that he has more in common with people in their 40s then people in their 20s.  Shit…

And why does Notre Dame get lumped in with this Teabag, you ask?  Well, within minutes of learning of this alleged hoax, the Fighting Irish embark on their own investigation, the results of which they conclude that Manti was 100% not a part of this hoax.  However, we come to find out that their “investigation” was paper thin.  They didn’t interview Manti, his family, or Ronaiah.  But yet, they are 100% certain that their meal ticket…err, student athlete, wasn’t involved.  You get the sense that they were more concerned about preserving the legacy of Notre Dame than helping to vindicate Manti.  If only they would act so swiftly when there’s a real dead girl.  Their handling of this situation, and hand-washing of the Lizzy Seeberg story, is shameful. 

Anyway, Manti, here’s some advice from The Machine:  Get your shit together.  This story isn’t going to hurt you as much as your performance in the National Championship Game will.  Your Combine results are more important than your sit down with Katie.  Don’t forget that.  Also, DO NOT open that e-mail from the Nigerian Prince (hint: he’s not a real prince). 

Enjoy the Teabag.

Have you kissed a Ginger today?

Ginger King has a packed schedule today, making public appearances all over town, giving all normal people a chance to live out their fantasies and kiss a ginger (for $20 I’ll let you touch and pet me too).  If you don’t know about International Kiss a Ginger Day, you ether (a) haven’t lived, or (b) are lying.  Take 30 seconds to google (it’s true).

For anyone that hasn’t found me yet, I’ll be in the parking lot of Applebee’s during halftime of the Broncos/Ravens, then I got a private party where I plan to get my drink on and watch the Niners/Packers.  After that, I’ll be at the Wafflehouse from 2:00 am to 4:00 am.

If you can’t find me, make sure to find any Ginger and thank them for everything they do.  And then kiss them.

The Machine struck gold last night, going 2-0 with our Wild Card picks, gaining back some of the money Mrs. Machine blew on the holidays.  Now, we’re strapped in and ready to kick some more ass.  Yesterday’s games ended up being snoozers…the outcomes were decided by halftime.  Today’s games, however, will be much more interesting.  Good thing you got The Machine to help you dominate.

Indy at Baltimore (-7)

There’s a lot of history between these two franchises, none of it good.  That will lead to a lot of chipiness between the players (The Machine sets the over/under on personal fouls at 3).  Ray Lewis is back, just in time to right the ship of this defense that has gotten old quick.  He should provide a much needed emotional spark.  But will it be enough?  The Ravens are an interesting team:  can we all just admit that Joe Flacco is a Game Manager?  That’s not a bad thing, especially when you have Ray Rice in the backfield.  The Ravens finished 11^th in the league in rushing, and they will have to rely on Ray Ray early and often if they want to win.  For some unexplained reason, the Ravens sometimes forget Ray’s their offensive engine.

For Indy, everything from here on out is gravy.  No one expected this team to compete, let alone make the playoffs.  Everyone expected Reggie Wayne to bolt in the offseason.  Instead, Reggie had a career year, posting an impressive 106/1355/5 stat sheet.  Andrew Luck is for real, setting a rookie record with 4,374 yards and 23 tds, good for 7^th in the league in passing.  Running is still an issue.  Vick Ballard has proven useful, but will he be enough of a presence to force the Ravens to play the run?

This game is hard to predict…and The Machine thinks the odds makers are crazy making the Ravens a touchdown favorite (#easymoney).  In fact, The Machine thinks that Indy has enough moxy and motivation (see Chuck Pagano) to upset Baltimore.  You heard it here first.  Indy pulls out an upset thriller.

Indy 17, Baltimore 14

Seattle (-3) at Washington

The battle of rookie qbs.  Russell Wilson v. RGIII.  Make no mistake about it:  without these two rookies, neither team had a chance of making the playoffs, showing you just how special they are (and a rookie qb class that rivals 1983).

Everyone ripped Pete Carroll for drafting Wilson in the third round, after dropping some serious cash on Matt Flynn.  A wasted pick, many said.  Well Pete’s laughed all the way to the playoffs, as Russell has guided this team to an 11-5 record.  Beastmode has been consistent all season, racking up 1,560 yards, and the Seahawks are 3^rd in the NFL in rushing.  The play of Russell and Beastmode has taken away attention from the Seattle D, which is in the top 10 against both the run (6^th) and the pass (10^th).

For Washington, RGIII has surpassed Obama as the most important man in D.C.  He has single-handedly changed the culture and attitude in D.C., which has had its share of awful football as of late.  Mike Shanahan has provided the stability in coaching that this team needs.  The Skins are unstoppable rushing the ball, leading the league in rushing at nearly 170 yards a game.  The one-two combo of RGII and fellow rookie Alfred Morris has proven gold.  A question remains about RGIII’s knee, and how effective he’ll be outside the pocket.  On defense, Washington’s 5^th against the run but an abysmal 30^th against the pass.  This will give Russell Wilson some opportunities to get the ball down the field.

Despite all the (well-deserved) hype about RGIII, there’s a reason Seattle’s a three point favorite on the road.  Pete Carroll will have some tricks up his sleeves, and The Machine (normally a biased east coast sports fan) likes the Seahawks to move on, although this will be close all the way, so how can you not go with Washington and the points?

Seattle 17, Washington 16

It’s go time!!!  12 teams enter, 1 team leaves.  Who will that team be?  Well, we’re getting a little ahead of ourselves.  The important question is: who can we bet on to win today’s games?  Now you’re talking.  The Machine has the answers you need to get you through the playoffs.

Cincinnati at Houston (-4.5)

A rematch from last year’s wild card round, the Bengals march in to Houston to once again try to dethrone the Texans.  Last year, the stars were aligned for a Bengals victory:  Schaub was hurt, putting then rookie TJ Yates behind center.  However, Andy Dalton, our favorite football ginger (sorry Shayne Graham) threw three picks, and the Texans won easily 31 to10.

This game should be more competitive that last year.  The Bengals have quietly put together a solid 10-6 season, and Dalton may be the most under the radar QB in the league (proof that the NFL doesn’t want a ginger QB to succeed, right Rush?), throwing for 27 tds and nearly 3700 yards.  A.J. Green is a stud, and Jermaine Gresham provides a great safety valve.  On defense, the Bengals are also pretty complete.  Proving once again that character concerns are for pussies, the Bengals took a huge risk on Vontaze Burfict this year, but it paid off HUGE, as Vontaze led the team with 127 tackles and 0 arrests.  Shit, Pacman Jones didn’t get arrested this year, which makes The Machine wonder if the Bengals actually lock up their players on off days or shut down every strip club in Ohio.

However, despite all these positives, the Bengals are run in to a Texans squad that is healthy, hungry, and playing with a huge chip on their shoulders.  The playoffs are all about balance, and no team has better balance right now than the Houston Texans.  Schaub is healthy, and Foster and Andre Johnson need to introductions.  Andre Johnson had a monster year, and only got better as the season went on, averaging 10/130 over the past three games.  On defense, the Texans are legit, led by JJ Watt and his 20.5 sacks.  The Texans are well-balanced throughout their D, with Watt on the line, Cushing at LB, and Kareem Jackson at CB.

While the Bengals will put up a better fight than last year, they’re still a year away from making a serious playoff run.  The Texans, meanwhile, are ready to win now.  They run the best play-action in the game, so look for them to burn Cincy on a few long plays.  The Texans are just too much to handle, and Ginger Nation waits another year for a Ginger QB in the Super bowl (any chance Peyton can dye his hair?)

Texans 24, Cincinnati 17.

Minnesota at Green Bay (-7.5)

A rematch from last week, Minnesota and Green Bay play each other for the third time this year.  They split the regular season series, and the Vikings are getting no respect, coming in to Green Bay at more than a touchdown underdog.

That’s a lot, considering the Vikes have Adrian Peterson and his non-human knee.  AP has torched the Pack this year, averaging a ridiculous 204.5 yards per game.  AP alone will keep the Vikings in this game.  That’s good because, besides Peterson, the Vikes have a collection of overachievers and no names on offense.  Who thought Kyle Rudolph and Michael Jenkins would become receiving threats?  Percy Harvin has talent, but a #1 WR needs to put up more than 677 yards.  However, it all falls on Christian Ponder.  The Packers should put 11 in the box to stop AP.  If Ponder can get in a rhythm, it will force Green Bay to play a more balanced scheme, which will open up lines for AP.

Green Bay is perhaps the most unbalanced team in the playoffs, ranking 20^th in the league in rushing and 9^th in passing.  They have no running game and a Defense that gives up big plays.  Having said that, they also have Aaron Rodgers, and what they lack in balance they make up in explosiveness.  Rodgers loves playing the Viking, averaging 325.5 yards against the Vikings this year.  The Pack will need to rely on their passing game, because their running game is suspect at best, led by Alex Green and his 464 yards (0 tds).  Rodgers is second on the team in rushing with 259 yards (2 tds).  On defense, the Packers do just enough, ranking 11^th in the league in passing and 17^th in rushing.  This middle of the road defense won’t kill you, but it certainly won’t make game-changing plays.

Each team has their flaws, but the advantage goes to the Packers.  The home team won each game this year, and look for that to continue tonight.  This game will be close, but the nighttime crowd at Lambeau Field (note:  on The Machine’s bucket list) will give the Packers the energy they need to move on.  Take Minnesota with the points.

Green Bay 31, Minnesota 27.

**Update** 

Christian Ponder is not playing.  Instead, Joe Webb will be leading the charge.  Now, the Vikings deserve no respect.  Thus, disregard everything that’s written above:  the Pack easily win by double digits.