Author Archives: Ginger King

Tuesday Teabag, August 21

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Melky Cabrera

The Machine was all ready to crown Chad Johnson our Tuesday Teabag award winner (seriously bro, who keeps the receipt from the grocery store, especially when said receipt lists a box of Magnums that clearly aren’t intended for your wife?).  But congrats Chad, there’s some good news coming your way.  Sure, you’ve been publicly humiliated, your football career is over, and your wife is divorcing you, but there’s always someone worse off than you.  It’s the Jerry Springer theory (just watch some Springer repeats and you’ll feel better in no time).

Who’s having a worse week than Ocho-crazy?  Melky Cabrera.  When word first hit that Melky tested positive for PEDs, this barely registered on The Machine’s radar.  A professional athlete on steroids?  Big deal.  The Machine actually gave Melky some credit when he stepped up and took full blame, instead of the usual “it was a prescription for ADHD or a sinus infection.”  However, when word hit that Melky was involved in a website and fictitious supplement, well now you have our attention.

As the story goes, Melky and his associates, apparently after watching an Oceans 13 marathon, came up with an elaborate ruse to fool the MLB.  They created a website selling a fake supplement, and that was somehow going to get the Melkman off the hook.  There’re about as many layers to this plan as the Davinci Code (seriously, The Machine, surrounded in a cloud of smoke on the third floor of his fraternity house with Bob Marley blaring, devised better hoaxes in college).  Of course you were going to get busted.  There’s not enough weed to go around to think that plan was going to work.

The cover-up is always worse than the crime.  But you’ve gone one step further (and believe me, it’s a big step further).  You attempted to lie your way out by fabricating evidence.  This is a direct attack to the MLB drug testing system.  From now on, any athlete who asserts innocence will be doubted.  In order to erase all doubt, the testing policy must be revised to make public the substance that resulted in the positive test.  This would remove from the equation the Adderall excuse if we knew you tested positive for Stanozolol and horse urine.  Not surprisingly, the MLBPA is vehemently against any public disclosure (shocker).

Melky…don’t worry, it’s not all bad.  It could be worse (think Springer).  Consider yourself lucky for trying this dumbass move in the MLB.  Can you imagine what the NFL would do if you tried to pull that shit on Goodell?  RGI would waterboard the shit out of you and beat your associates senseless.  Be thankful that your Commissioner really doesn’t give a shit about the integrity of his sport.  Also, be thankful for the Tuesday Teabag.

Tuesday Teabag, August 14

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Dwight Howard

Oh Dwight.  Just two short years ago, you were the posterchild for the do right in the NBA.  Malcontent (nope), diva (no way), only one out of wedlock kid (that’s NBA speak for virgin).  You had it all.  While the rest of the world was pissed at Lebron for The Decision, no one was pissed at you.  You were carefree, effervescent…everyone loved your Superman ritual.  You were, in a word, unstoppable.

Today, you are unforgiveable.  Sure, you ended up with the Lakers.  Good for you.  But here Dwight, the end does not justify the means.  In the last season alone, you not only erased all of your good will, but you’ve proved that you are not only the most selfish, me-first individual in professional sports, but you also the dumbest.  Let’s recap:

You pissed and moaned to the Magic brass and demanded Van Gundy and Otis Smith get fired at the end of the season, all the while denying it.  In exchange, you signed a one-year extension to stay with the Magic for next season.  Now, that alone is pretty douchey, but hey, we’ve all tried to get the boss fired before.  But then, incredibly, you take it one step further.  The Magic, in good faith reliance on The Deal (which yes, is the douche bag version of The Decision), fire Van Gundy and Smith (thanks for taking us to the postseason five years in a row Stan, now pack up your shit and walk your doughy ass out the door).  You should’ve shut up then, played out your year in Orlando (maybe ask for a trade behind the scenes), all the while knowing that the summer of 2013 you’d be an unrestricted free agent.  But no, you then demanded a trade, reneging on The Deal.  And not only did you demand a trade, but you limited it to one Team:  the Nets.  You think that maybe affects the power negotiations for the Magic?

Did you not realize that you had all the leverage BEFORE you signed your one year extension, and, after that, you had NO leverage at all?  If you wanted to go to Brooklyn, you could’ve been there.  You could’ve become the cornerstone of bringing the game back to Brooklyn.  Superman back in Metropolis.  You easily would’ve been the best center in NYC since Ewing.  You could’ve owned NYC (sounds awesome, right)?  But instead, now you’re following Shaq’s footsteps to LA.  Please note that the comparisons between you and The Diesel end there.  Your antics over the past two seasons will ensure that you will never attain Shaq-status.  Even if you star in Kazaam 2.

Sure, you’ll probably win a title in LA (you do have Kobe, Gasol, and Steve Nash), and sure, the media will likely forgive you (we are a forgiving bunch).  But not The Machine.  The Machine’s Douche-dar is as good (if not better) than its Gay-dar, and our meter is off the charts.  Beware LA, Superdouche is already on full display.  Case in point:  Dwight’s already announced that he has no intention of signing a long term deal (or any extension) until after the season.  Translation:  if things don’t go his way, if the spotlight’s not completely on him (and guess what, it won’t be when you’re lacing up alongside Black Mamba), if the offense doesn’t run through him, if the Lakers don’t win a championship, if he doesn’t have a better parking space than Metta World Peace (you get the picture), then you can bet your ass he’ll high tail it out of LA, and then the Lakers will be left with nothing for The Deal.  Even if he does sign an extension, it’s just a matter of time before the fun-loving gives way to the malcontent.

Want some free advice from The Machine:  fire everyone that currently represents you.  Agents, managers, lawyers.  Everyone.  You’re management team has proved about as productive as Tim Tebow in a whore house (this goes where?).  And sign your extension with LA.  You may not know it, but your stock has dropped.  A lot.  There’s no way you could command the kind of coin you’re expecting (or your management team is telling you to expect), when every team knows that as soon as things don’t go your way, you’ll bitch, complain, and force your way out the door.  You can’t be trusted to build a franchise around; hence, you’ll never get paid like one.

Enjoy your Tuesday Teabag.

Tuesday Teabag, July 31

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Olympic Gymnastic Parents

The Machine can’t help but be in awe when watching gymnastics (yes, the Machine has Olympic fever).  Whether it’s the men or women, what they do is simply unreal.  However, as impressive as these athletes are, there’s a little secret that’s bubbling to the surface during the Olympics:  their parents are crazy.  I mean bat shit crazy.  Take every article you’ve read about soccer moms fighting in the stands, dads getting thrown out of little league games (the Machine can’t wait to get tossed from his sons’ baseball games when they get older, btw), and throw it away.  Move aside, overbearing suburban parents, there’s a new crazy in town, and they’re on full display in London.  Anyone see the dad trying to get the crowd to join in his rhythmic clapping?  How about the parents having seizure-like convulsions in the stands during their kid’s routine?  We did.  After watching 2 days of gymnastics (our fever is starting to break) you have to ask yourself:  how many of these kids were pushed into gymnastics by domineering, highly critical, super intense parents?  Our answer:  100%.  Christ, John Orozco is from the Bronx.  How many kids in the Bronx—on their own—decide, “hmm, I think I’ll take up the pommel horse.”  Exactly.

Hey, we’re all about being proud of our kids.  Kevin Durant’s parents at Thunder games?  Heart-warming.  America’s newest sweetheart’s, Missy Franklin’s, parents at the swim meet?  Adorable.  But these parents drive straight past adorable to creepy.  Their screams pierce the arena, and their movements and actions scream “look at me” and “you’ve practiced this routine 8,000 times, I know because I uprooted our family and drove you to all your practices since you were 3 years old, so don’t mess it up for us, I mean me.”  These kids are treated like collectable dolls (well, they are doll-like in stature).  This isn’t Toddlers and Tiaras, although we get the vibe it’s a lot closer than it should be.

Listen up Olympic Gymnastic Parents, and listen good:  Your children, impressive athletes as they are, are relevant for about 15 minutes every four years (given the men’s epic collapse in the all-around, you can cut that down to about 5).  We get that you’re into it, that you’re excited to watch your kids compete at the Olympic level.  However, your excitement shows the worst in modern day parenting:  fanaticism.  You’ve sacrificed a normal childhood for a slavish devotion to gymnastics.  Fine, but tone down the antics.  The Olympics should be about the pure joy of sport, yet, when we see a gymnast nail the uneven bars, we don’t see joy.  We see relief.  Then, we see Ma and Pa Crazy Pants in the stands, and it all makes sense.

Congrats on the Tuesday Teabag award, Olympic Gymnastic Parents.  The way things are shaping up in London, it may be the only award you come home with.

2012 Top 10 Fantasy Ks

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Ok, if you’re reading our Top 10 Fantasy Kickers list, one of the following statements is true:  (i) you’re a degenerate gambler (the Machine prefers “sports enthusiast”); (ii) you’re a family member of an NFL kicker, or (iii) you’re really into all things fantasy (saving up for Comic Con 2013 baby!).  Whatever your reason, the Machine likes it.  In fact, we know you’re reading this because drafting the right kicker matters.  Sure, a run on kickers usually starts in round 16 (of 16).  However, did you know the difference between the #1 scoring kicker last year (David Akers) and the #10 scoring kicker (Jason Hanson) was 51 pts, which equals to more than 3 pts each week (how many games did you lose by less than three points last year?).  That’s some knowledge you need to know.  Now, what you need to know is who the right kicker is.  We got you covered for that.  (FGM/FGA/50+/PAT).

1. Sebastian Janikowski (31/35/7/36).  Al may have been crazy for drafting him in the first round (17th overall) of the 2000 Draft, but come on, was there any doubt he’d be a Raider.  We love Seabass.  What’s not to love about a 6’2” 250 lb kicker that drinks vodka for breakfast, loves to get in bar fights, and oh yeah, can kick the ball out of the stadium.  Dude’s got a left foot of gold.  He’s especially gold in leagues that give bonus points for 50+ yarders.  Seabass tied for the league lead with 7 (out of 10) 50+ yarders, including a 63 yard bomb.  He was also consistent…he only missed one FG under 50 yards.  In 2012, da Raiders should have a more potent offense , which equates to more field goals and PATs.  Kick some ass Seabass!

2. Rob Bironas (29/32/6/34).  Rob nailed 6 of 7 50+ yarders last year, and only missed 3 FGs.  We like the Titans to be able to move the ball a little better in 2012, but not that much better where they’ll be scoring a ton more touchdowns.  Look for the offense to breakdown in the red zone, as teams put 11 in the box and force Locker to throw (they’ll still run CJ on 3rd and 6).  This translates into more FG opportunities for Rob.

3.  Stephen Gostowski (28/33/1/59).  While only making one FG longer than 50 yards, and missing 5 FGs overall, Gostowski made it up with 59 PATs.  The Pats will continue to score in 2012 at will, so look for Gostowski to maintain solid numbers.

4.  Robbie Gould (28/32/6/37).  Robbie was a perfect 6 for 6 from 50+.  That’s impressive, especially playing in the Windy City.  Da Bears should have no problems moving the ball, and Robbie should have no problems cracking the Top 5 in points.

5.  Dan Bailey (32/37/2/39).  As an undrafted rookie, Bailey came out of nowhere, nailing 32 FGs for the Cowboys.  He showed he can hang with the big boys.  The Machine likes youthful exuberance, and this 24 year old’s got a ton of it.  We also like the Cowboys offense, which should give Bailey plenty of opportunities to prove he’s worthy of a Top 5 pick.

6.  Mason Crosby (24/28/3/68).  Mason needs to get his attempts up, but that’s hard to do when the Pack score touchdowns all the time.  He easily led the league with 68 PATs, and the Pack’s offense should be just as potent.  Mason will always be in a position to score.

7.  David Akers (44/52/7/34).  Akers led all kickers last year in points, by a sizeable margin.  Why then, does the Machine have him 7th overall?  Well, for starters, kickers never repeat as league leaders.  And, if you’re David Akers, you had the best year of your career, by far.  He made 44 FGs last year, which covers up the fact that he missed 8 FGs.  His previous career highs was 33.  He also turns 38 this year, which we know is young for a kicker, but still.  Even if last year was a fluke, with the greatest game-manager of all time at the helm (that’s not a compliment), Akers will get plenty of opportunities.  Just don’t be surprised if his numbers are a little south of where he was in 2011.  Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

8.  Neil Rackers (32/38/4/39). Playing with Houston last year, Rackers had a good season, finishing as the #8 kicker overall.  He can still nail it from downtown (4 of 5 from 50+).  Now with Washington and RGIII, look for Neil to put up similar numbers this year.

9.  Jason Hanson (24/29/5/54).  At the opposite end of the youth scale, Hanson just turned 42!.  He was drafted in 1992, you remember 1992, right?  The Colts took Steve Emtman #1 overall, and the Machine was an extremely awkward teenager.  Holy shit that was a long time ago.  Anyway, that 42 year old leg still has some juice, nailing 5 of 7 from 50+ yards.  Playing in a dome with a high-powered offense will help grandpa stay in the Top 10 for another year.

10.  Matt Bryant (27/29/2/45).  When in doubt, go with a dome kicker.  Although it makes absolutely zero sense why there’s a dome in Atlanta, Bryant’s not complaining.  Although he only took 2 50 yarders, he made them both, and only missed 2 FGs all year.

Skeet Skeet Skeet Skeet!

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That’s right.  Kimberly Rhode, your 2012 Olympic Women’s Skeet shooting champion.  K-Rhode hit a world record tying 99 out of 100 targets.  The Machine doesn’t know much about the sport of skeet shooting (quite frankly, white chicks with guns scare us), but we do know how to skeet, thanks to Lil’ Jon.   Seriously, they should, for one time, replace the playing of the anthem with some Get Low.  “To all skeet skeet motherfuckers, to all skeet skeet god damn!”*  Congrats Kimberly!

*For those not familiar with Lil’ Jon and skeeting, first, shame on you.  Second, go listen to Get Low.  Third, go to urbandictionary.com and look up “skeet”.  Then, re-read this post.

Tape delayed, are you f’ing kidding me!?!

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Ok, it’s taken the Machine all of 6 hours of Olympic coverage to be annoyed (although, the Spain/South Korea Women’s Handball Prelim was pretty sick).  Seriously, the Machine’s all pumped to watch the Phelps/Lochte throwdownn tonight, but guess what, the Machine has an internet connection and that shit happened 5 hours ago!  Yeah, we know who won.  It’s not like the live event was at 4:00 am EST (note: the Machine generally has an east coast bias with sports, people, and life, so everything is measured by EST), the live event was at 2:30 pm!!!  Show that shit live NBC!  That’s what the Olympics are all about…getting to see your country’s heroes compete against the world as it unfolds.  Instead, let’s be honest, the Olympics have never been about the honor of sports and competition, at least, not since that shit’s been on TV.  Now, it’s all about the Benjamins baby.  It’s more important to show the events people want to see in primetime, because primetime = higher ad revenues, which = more $$$ to NBC and the IOC.  If the IOC had the balls, they would demand that ALL EVENTS BE SHOWN LIVE.  Pretty simple rule, right?  But no, what we’ll get live is air rifle, badminton, and cycling.  The events we really want to see (Dream Team 2.0, Phelps/Lochte, 100m dash) will be shown tape-delayed, all so they can be in primetime and generate more dollars.  On the flip side, we do get more couch time with Bob Costas, so I guess it’s not all bad…

Look, we get it.  We understand capitalism and all its beauty.  But there comes a point.  And that point is ruining the sanctity of the Olympics (ok, that may be overreaching, the Machine just wants to see shit live).  Now, all the important events will be ruined because the results will be streamed live on the internet, to your smartphones, and you know some asshole at the check out counter will say “hey Lochte beat Phelps in the 400m Individual Medley.”  Thanks asshole.

Opening Ceremony = SNOOZE FEST!!!

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Sorry Bob Costas, but try as you might, that opening ceremony was uninspiring, weird, and boring as shit, which pretty much sums up the Brits.  Even though the Queen had a cameo role with James Bond, who is pretty badass (the Machine is fond of fictional Brits), her Royal Sourpuss never cracked a smile, and looked about as enthused as a colonoscopy patient.  Sorry Queenie, you’re showcasing your country to the world, you’re supposed to put on a smile and show the global community the cultural depth of your society.  Instead, we get an opening ceremony prominently featured with Mr. Bean.  Seriously, Mr. Freaking Bean.  We would’ve accepted Bennie Hill chasing around a sexy nurse in a golf cart.  How about some Monty Python?  A hologram Freddy Mercury?  Hell, we’ll even take the Spice Girls.  But no, we get a continuous dribble of dull, dry, and unexciting British pomp and circumstance (filthy wankers).

And don’t even get the Machine started with that lame-ass torch lighting (don’t worry Barcelona, your place in history as the Greatest.  Torch Lighting Ceremony.  Ever. is still firmly in tact).  Clearly, the IOC didn’t bother to read any of the Machine’s letters with our numerous torch lighting suggestions.  We’ll share two with you (the others have already been forwarded to Rio).

1.  Iron Maiden.  With Number of the Beast blaring, Bruce Dickenson walks into Olympic Stadium with his guitar on fire!  The field opens up, and Eddie emerges!!! Bruce throws the guitar at Eddie, who bursts into flames, and boom, EDDIE’S THE TORCH, everyone in the world community are now huge Maiden fans, and all children under the age of 10 in are scared shitless.

2.  Pippa.  What better way to light the torch than with Pippa? (honestly, the Amy Winehouse crack pipe would’ve been a huge hit…but someone had to go and ruin that one).  Anyway, picture this:  Pippa goes all Katniss Everdeen, and waltzes into Olympic Stadium with her dress on fire!  Pippa jumps into the ring of fire, sets the torch ablaze, rips off her clothes and proclaims her love for the Machine (ok, that last part may have been mixed up with a reoccuring dream of the Machine).

Point is:  mix it up a little Britain.  Trade in your tea and crumpets for a Vodka/Red Bull and let’s get the party started.  And come on, we’re your friends America.  We got your back.  In fact, we’ll send over our finest ambassadors to make sure the party never ends (paging Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan).

2012 Top 10 Fantasy TEs

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People ask the Machine all the time:  when should I draft a TE?  The answer, much like the answer to “is she hot” and “do you think I have a shot” is:  it depends.  Most Fantasy Football “experts” will tell you not to draft a TE until at least Round 5.  That’s sooo 2005, and the Machine is here to call bullshit on that outdated thinking.  Like Shakira’s hips, the numbers don’t lie.  The new-age TEs have become an integral part of the passing game…and are more than just big, dumb meatheads that block and occasionally run the seam.  In some cases they are the first option in the offense (see 49ers, San Francisco).  In fact, 4 of the Machine’s Top 10 are from the c2010 Draft.  Fact: top flight TE’s should be viewed as #1 WRs.  Here are the Machine’s Top 10 TEs for 2012 (Receptions/Yards/TDs).

1.  Rob Gronkowski (90/1327/17).  Gronk had more TDs than Megatron, and more receptions than Fitz.  Case closed.  Always thought of as having first round talent, Gronk dropped to the second round in 2010 due to injury concerns.  However, in his first two years in the league, he’s never missed a game, proof that the NFL has the best trainers (and access to pain meds) in all of sport.  Whatever the reason, he’s Tom Brady’s go to target in the red zone, and an integral part of the Pats offense.  Look for Gronk to reign supreme as your 2012 TE fantasy champ.

2.  Jimmy Graham (99/1310/11).  There was a lot of hype about Jimmy at the beginning of last year, and he more than backed it up.  Jimmy thing finished #3 in receptions, in the entire fucking league, trailing only Wes (“token”) Welker (122) and Roddy White (100).  Perhaps even more impressive, Jimmy led the pass-happy Saints in receptions, yards, and tds.  Another year in that high octane offense should only further increase his role.  You heard it here first:  Jimmy will top triple digits in receptions this year.  Jimmy and Gronk are in a class by themselves.

3.  Jermichael Finley (55/767/8).  Jermichael was finally healthy for an entire season, and backed it up with some solid numbers.  Although there are several TEs that had more productivity in 2011, 2012 is all about projecting baby…and the Machine likes what Jermichael’s selling…we also like saying Jermichael, it’s right up there as one of the top made up names that begin with “Jer” (a close second to Jermajesty Jackson).  Anyway, Jermichael, if healthy, should shine in 2012.  With Donald Driver taking on even less of a role, Jermichael is definitely the #2 passing option behind Greg Jennings.  And, because the Packers rotate so many WRs in and out, he’s going to be on the field more than Jordy Nelson or James Jones, leading to more balls going his way on a consistent basis.  Certainly not on the level of Gronk or Graham (now is where you start drafting a TE in Round 5) look for Jermichael to have a dramatic increase in production, surprising many, but not the Machine or its loyal fan base.

4.  Jason Witten (79/942/5).  You simply can’t go wrong with Witten on your team.  What’s not to like about him (except that he’s a Cowboy)?  He puts up consistently solid numbers, has only missed one game his entire career (and that was back in 2005) and he’s Tony Romo’s best friend.  That bromance leads to action (on the field of course).  While his numbers were down compared to the two previous seasons where he caught 94 balls and had 1,000+ yards each year, he’s still Tony’s “roommate” on road trips, and that close, plutonic bond should continue to produce solid fantasy numbers, and whispers in the locker room.

5.  Vernon Davis (67/792/6).  Vernon blurs the distinction between TE and WR, probably more so than anyone on this list.  Not just because he has the speed and route running ability of a WR along with the power of a TE on his chiseled 6’3”, 250 lb frame, but also because he’s a diva, which is traditionally reserved only for WRs.  Sorry Vernon, but there’s no crying in football, unless you’re Dick Vermeil or a WR, and Vernon’s post-game crying after catching the winning touchdown against the Saints is more T.O. than Vermeil.  Don’t forget he was banished to the locker room DURING A GAME.  Also, do a google image search for Vernon Davis and you’ll see just how into himself he is…either that, or he doesn’t realize he has enough money to buy a shirt.  While this would normally get him top diva honors on most teams, Vernon ranks #3 on the niners in that regard (behind Randy Moss and wanna-be Randy Moss Michael Crabtree).  Whatever, you’re not drafting for personality, you’re drafting for results, and although Vernon had career lows in receptions, yards, and tds in 2011, he’s still the best receiver (and athlete) on the 49ers offense, and even with Alex Smith at the helm, Vernon should get his.  Look for Vernon to get back to his usual stats, roughly high 70’s/900/10.

6.  Brandon Pettigrew (83/777/5).  The Machine is a big Pettigrew fan.  He had a banner 2011, with career highs in receptions, yards, and tds.  He has the talent to be a top 3 TE.  The only thing holding him back is Megatron, who (rightfully) is the first, second, and third option, especially in the red zone.  From a fantasy perspective, this makes it unlikely for Brandon to crack double digit tds, which is what separates the great from the good.  Still, there’s plenty of balls for him to catch in that offense, and he seems to have developed good chemistry with Stafford.

7.  Jermaine Gresham (56/596/6).  Jermaine should improve upon his 2011 stats.  With Jerome Simpson no longer flipping over folks (or slinging the rock) in Cincinnati, Gresham becomes the #2 passing option behind dynamo A.J. Green.  One knock on Jermaine is durability…he’s yet to play a full season.  If healthy, the sky’s the limit.  There’s a good, young, offensive nucleus in Cincy, think of them as a poor man’s Detroit Lions (did you ever think you’d say that?).  What this amounts to is greater involvement, and production, from Jermaine.

8.  Tony Gonzalez (80/875/7).  At age 97 (ok 36 but still that’s fucking old for a TE) you would think Tony would break down by now.  I get it.  He’s old.  How old?  Well, when he came into the league (1997), the Machine was in college, Bill Clinton had yet to be blown by Monica (we think), and the number one song was Mo Money Mo Problems.  That’s how old Gonzo is.  However, the dude doesn’t break down.  Out of a possible 240 regular season games, he’s played in 238.  And he hasn’t slowed down like so many of his contemporaries.  He’s been with Atlanta for three years, and has averaged 77/799/6.  Oh, and he hasn’t missed a game as a Falcon.  Look for Tony go have a 2012 similar to his three year average.  Not bad for a dude born during the Carter administration.

9.  Antonio Gates (64/778/7).  For sure the best undrafted TE of all-time, for years Antonio has been at the top of the fantasy TE list.  However, although he’s 4 years his junior, Antonio is the anti-Tony Gonzalez.  Injuries have taken toll (he hasn’t played a full season since 2009), and Antonio should no longer be thought of as a top flight TE.  Notwithstanding, he’s still a good TE and, when healthy, a very productive one.  The Machine sees him coming into the twilight of his career.  Age, plus injury concerns, means you’ll soon be talking about the games on Sunday instead of playing in them.

10.  Aaron Hernandez (79/910/7).  Hernandez not only bookends the Patriots on this list (something that before last year would be unheard of) but he rounds out the solid class of 2010 TEs, along with Gronk, Jimmy, and Jermaine.  He makes the Top 10 even though he’s the #2 TE on his team (again, something that’s unheard of).  Don’t let that scare you too much.  The Patriots do things differently because they can, and Hernandez is in line to put up solid numbers again.  He hasn’t played a full season yet, and that’s pause for some concern, but Tom Brady loves to spread the ball around, so, if healthy, he should have no problems putting up solid numbers.

All Arrest Club – 2012 Edition

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Not only does the Machine provide you with cutting edge, expert analysis, but we can also see the future (if the Machine’s bookie is reading this post, just kidding, we’re just lucky).  Anyway, you don’t really need a crystal ball to know the following:  lots of NFL players get arrested, and will continue to get arrested.  In fact, as I’m writing this post, Elvis Dumerville just posted bail after what sounds like a pretty sweet bender in Miami.  Aggravated assault with a firearm…way to represent the U!  And T.O. may be headed to the pokey for failing to pay child support (note to all professional athletes:  Wrap it Up!).  So, since training camp is still weeks away, there’s plenty of time for the shenanigans to continue.  Thus, here are the Top 5 players likely to get arrested during the 2012 season (per the Ray Lewis Rule, the end of the season for purposes of this exercise is the morning after the Super Bowl).  Feel free to add your favorites in the comments.

**UPDATE**  Obviously unhappy at being left off the list, within 24 hours, Dez Bryant and Marshawn Lynch were arrested.  Dez for shoving his mom at a family BBQ and Marshawn for DUI.  Don’t forget, Beastmode also pinballed a lady off his Porsche while in Buffalo, so he does get some props (and likely suspension) for being a repeat offender.  Keep it up fellas, you’re well on your way to being on the Machine’s mid-year arrest review list.

**UPDATE 2** Proving that character concerns in college lead to character concerns in the pros, Kenny Britt was popped for a DWI (DUIs are for pussies) at 3:30 am Friday (7/20) morning.  Britt gets extra points because, allegedly, he was stopped while trying to access an army base with a female soldier.  There’s nothing wrong with giving back to the troops, but when it involves a suspension (release?) from your employer, maybe you should just wear a flag pin.

**Update 3** Aaron Berry, CB for the Lions (shocker).  Berry, who hails from the rough streets of Harrisburg, PA, was arrested for assualt on 7/21.  This on the heels of his June 23 arrest for suspicion of DUI.  If you’re keeping score at home, Berry has more arrests than career INTs.  Thus, don’t be surprised if the Lions release Berry, and use this opportunity to show the world they are holding players responsible for their actions (translation: we only hold underperforming players responsible for their actions).

5.  Adam Jones, CB, Cincinnati Bengals.  Yes, this is probably the lowest hanging fruit of all time, but come on, how does Pac not make this list?  He’s only 28, but has the arrest record of seasoned criminal.  What’s truly impressive is that he’s still in the league.  Only playing in 8 games last year, Pac’s interceptions and fumbles recovered matched Bluto’s GPA in Animal House (0.0).  Complicating matters, Pac just got hit with an $11 million judgment for his role in Make it Rain night in Vegas.   With a base salary of only $950,000, Pac will need to supplement his income.  The Machine predicts an arrest for (i) a night job as a Street Pharmacist and/or (ii) a “misunderstanding” with a stripper (yes, we’re actually calling the arrest on this one).  However, we’re giving Pac the benefit of the doubt (sort of) by listing him #5.  With his recent life-coaching to NFL rookies at the Rookie Symposium (which followed Tim Tebow’s Snitches get Stitches talk) maybe he’s turned a corner…or maybe he needs another story to tell next years’ rookies.

4.  Rob Gronkowski, TE, New England Patriots.  Big, oafy, white meatheads in the club are just asking to get arrested.  Enter Gronk, who dazzled us with his post-Super Bowl loss dance moves.  If it weren’t for football, Gronk would be a cast member on Jersey Shore or a professional Spring Break attendee.  He’s got Disorderly Conduct written all over him

3.  Richie Incognito, OG, Miami Dolphins.  Widely regarding as the biggest d-bag in the NFL, it’s truly a surprise to learn that Richie has yet to be tased by law enforcement.  He seems like a guy who has trouble separating his game-time persona with is off-the field persona.  All this leads to a Friday’s employee with a broken nose (“I said no onions on my burger mother fucker!!!”).

2.  Brandon Marshall, WR, Chicago Bears.  Marshall’s definitely got the “it” factor.  What it factor is that you say?  Ability to create separation from DBs (check).  Big physical route runner (check).  He’s got it all, but he also has one special trait that puts him #2 on our list.  He’s got the crazy.  Brandon’s got a list that makes Pacman blush.  Assaulting a police officer at Denny’s (check), returning stolen bed sheets to Burlington Coat Factory (check), a slew of domestic violence incidents (check), DUI (you know it).  He’s also been stabbed by his wife, who sounds like she’s got her own case of the crazy.  This really doubles his chances of getting arrested.  Brandon (or his agent/PR team) claims to suffer from borderline personality disorder (“BPD”) (seriously).  Look, the Machine’s no doctor, and we don’t really want to rag on someone with a legitimate medical condition.  However, medical degree or no medical degree, we’re not aware of any illness whose symptoms include multiple (alleged) assaults, violence towards women, and problems with alcohol.  If that’s the case, the entire NBA, and fans of country music, suffer from BPD.

1.  Nick Fairley, DT, Detroit Lions.  Why would Nick Fairley, who was arrested twice in two months this year (April for weed and May for driving triple digits in his Escalade), risk getting arrested again.  Well, Nick takes the coveted spot as #1 for a couple reasons.  One, he’s a Detroit Lion.  The Lions, while quickly gaining respect as a football organization (the Millen years almost caused irreparable damage) are also piling up the arrests.  They make the ’09 Bengals look like a Boy Scout Troop.  Two, it’s obvious there is little, if any, institutional control in Detroit.  With bat-shit crazy teammate Ndamukung Suh anchoring the d-line alongside Fairley, the Machine guesses these two have a competition to engage in all sorts of nefarious activities.  Three, well, simply put, good things come in threes.  While Nick missed going three for three with an arrest-free June, there’s still plenty of time in the calendar to prove the Machine right and bring home the triple crown (bonus points if the third arrest is something new).  The Machine’s money is on a post-Thanksgiving Day game fight at a club.  You got this in the bag Nick!

2012 Top 10 Fantasy QBs

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The Machine has researched, reviewed, watched game tape and watched it again to provide you with the Top 10 Fantasy QBs (note: this is fantasy, not real life.  That’s why Tony Romo’s in the Top 10).  Note, next to each player’s name is their 2011 stats (yards/tds/ints).

1. Aaron Rodgers (4,643/45/6).  A-Rod (you know, the clutch, non-steroid A-Rod) stands on top of the fantasy football world.  Not only are his 2011 stats phenomenal (don’t forget he also had 3 rushing tds…that’s nearly 50 tds of production), but the 2012 Pack should be much like the 2011 Pack…a powerhouse pass first offense with multiple weapons.  The running game continues to be mediocre, leaving little room for doubt as to what drives this team.

2.  Tom Brady (5235/39/12).  In real life, as long as Tom Tom’s not playing the G-Men, he’s a winner.  In fantasyland, he’s a winner every day (arguably, with 3 superbowl victories and Gisele as a wife, he’s a winner in real life too).  Much like the Packers, the Patriots are loaded at receiving weapons and have an almost non-existent rushing game.  5,000+ yards again is not out of the question.   Perhaps most impressive, in clutch time (defined in fantasy as Weeks 14-16) he averaged 327 yards and 2 touchdowns per game.

3.  Matthew Stafford (5,038/41/16).  Is it possible to quietly throw for over 5,000 yards and 40+ tds?  It is if you’re Matthew Stafford.  Stafford showed what he could when healthy.  Playing a full season for the first time in his pro career, Stafford shattered all doubts that he’s a franchise QB.  He’s only 24 years old, and hasn’t even reached his prime.  The only concern with him is his health, and he showed last season that he can play through pain.  If healthy, the sky’s the limit.  And with Megatron, he’s a threat to post huge numbers week in and week out.

4.  Eli Manning (4,933/29/16).  This ain’t yo daddy’s New York Giants.  Gone are the ground and pound Giants.  The G-Men are unquestionably a pass-heavy offense.  It only took 2 Superbowl MVPs, but Eli is finally getting recognition as a Top 5 QB.  Fantasy-wise, he’s also getting respect as a baller.  Averaging more than 300 yards per game last year, there’s no reason to believe why he won’t provide the same amount of fantasy success in 2012.  The running game has not improved from last year, which, for the record, was the worst in the NFL.  However, the passing game is still solid.  Nicks is a stud.  Same with Cruz.  And the G-Men will find others to step up to replace Manningham and Ballard (just like they did when Steve Smith and Kevin Boss left).  The only knock on Fantasy-Eli is his interceptions, which he did cut down by 9 when compared to 2010.  Look for that trend to continue this year.

5.  Drew Brees (5,476/46/14).  Like most people who were smart enough to have Brees on their team (like yours truly) he responded by almost single-handedly bringing you a fantasy championship.  He set the all-time record for passing yards, averaging a ridiculous 346 yards per game.  Why then, does the Machine have Drew rated the #5 QB?  Well, what a difference a few months make.  Thus far, Drew has been a no-show at OTAs…fist deep in an epic fight with management (seriously why haven’t they signed him to a long term deal yet?).  On top of that, the coaching staff (and team morale) have been gutted thanks to Bounty-gate, and Drew very well may not show up to work until August.  All this adds up to a down year for the reigning fantasy QB champ.  That said, he is Drew Brees, and should still be able to put up Top-5 stats, however many will overreach and take him as the first or second QB off the board.  Expectations must be tempered.

6. Cam Newton (4,051/21/17).  Cam was simply a stud in his rookie year, more than validating his selection as the #1 pick in the 2011 Draft.  He was even more impressive fantasy-wise.  What has most people salivating was his 14 rushing tds (and 735 rushing yards) to back up his solid passing numbers.  Double-digit rushing tds for a QB is fantasy crack, and Cam should continue to be a dual threat QB in year 2, thus more than worthy as the #6 fantasy QB.

7.  Tony Romo (4,184/31/10).  If you’re a real football fan, you don’t want Tony Romo under center.  He has this cavalier approach to quarterbacking that drives you crazy, as well as an ability to not show up when it matters most.  As a fantasy football fan, however, you have no problems with Tony at the helm.  The Cowboys are stacked with weapons, Bryant and Austin are a formidable 1-2 punch, and Witten is arguably the best safety valve in the league.  Tony should be able to consistently deliver solid fantasy numbers, just don’t expect that to equate to real success.

8.  Philip Rivers (4,624/27/20).  Rivers has averaged nearly 4,400 yards and 30 tds over the past 4 years.  This is an impressive display of high-level consistency.  However, there are some warning signs which indicate that that he may be south of those numbers this year.  Vincent Jackson is gone, and Antono Gates is a year older with lingering health issues.  They’ve added Roscoe Parrish and Robert Meacham, but neither of them have ever been (or are) #1 WRs.  Rivers is a gunslinger, he just doesn’t have the ammunition to be a Top-flight fantasy QB.

9.  Peyton Manning (0/0/0).  Is there a bigger risk/reward pick in fantasy football this year?  The fact that Peyton didn’t take a snap last year, but is still a consensus Top-10 fantasy QB, is proof of his greatness, and proof that people think he’s back (or as close to back as he can be) to the old Peyton.  We got to believe Peyton has too much pride to come back and not be in top form.  The ultimate professional and student of the game, changing teams shouldn’t affect him at all.  Emerging WR Demayrious Thomas should absolutely thrive with Peyton under center, and Eric Decker and Jacob Tamme will resemble Brandon Stokely and Dwight Clark, respectively.  Peyton simply makes those around him better.  Notwithstanding, dude’s had 4 neck surgeries in the last 18 months, and he’s just one bounty away from sipping applesauce through a straw.  If you draft him, make sure you have a serviceable back up.  Buyer beware.

10.  Ryan Fitzpatrick (3,832/24/23).  There are many QBs worthy of the #10 spot (Michael Vick, Ben Roethlisberger, Matt Schaub, Matt Ryan), but the Machine gives the nod to Fitz.  Call us a Bill-iever, but we like what’s going on in Buffalo.  We also like the pass-catching RBs in Fred Jackson and CJ Spiller, who each caught 39 balls last year.  Over his first 8 games, before Fitz cracked two ribs in Week 8, he was averaging nearly 250 yards per game with 14 tds.  In the ensuing 9 games after rib-gate, Fitz dropped to 232 yards a game and 10 tds.  He needs to cut down on the ints (you would think an Ivy League grad wouldn’t make so many bad decisions) but another year and Chan’s offense should help to reduce that number.  Look for Fitz to return to his pre-cracked ribs form in 2012.