Week 12 Picks ATS

WEEK 12
THE GAMES (Home team in CAPS)
Date & Time Favorite Spread Underdog
Thurs 8:30 PM Kansas City 7 OAKLAND
Sunday 1 PM ATLANTA 3 Cleveland
Sunday 1 PM PHILADELPHIA 11 Tennessee
Sunday 1 PM NEW ENGLAND 7 Detroit
Sunday 1 PM Green Bay 8.5 MINNESOTA
Sunday 1 PM INDIANAPOLIS 14 Jacksonville
Sunday 1 PM HOUSTON 1.5 Cincinnati
Sunday 1 PM CHICAGO 5.5 Tampa Bay
Sunday 4:05 PM SEATTLE 7 Arizona
Sunday 4:05 PM SAN DIEGO 5 St. Louis
Sunday 4:25 PM DENVER 7 Miami
Sunday 4:25 PM SAN FRANCISCO 9 Washington
Sunday 8:30 PM Dallas 3.5 NYG
Monday 7:00 PM BUFFALO 2.5 nyj
Monday 8:30 PM NEW ORLEANS 3.5 Baltimore
THE PICKS
Roid Rage Ginger King Dr. Mike Big Daddy Vegas Vinny
Last Week 5-9 7-7 7-7 8-6 9-5
YTD 70-75-1 81-65-1 72-73-1 72-73-1 74-71-1
OAKLAND OAKLAND Kansas City OAKLAND Kansas City
Cleveland  ATLANTA Cleveland Cleveland ATLANTA
PHILADELPHIA  Tennessee Tennessee Tennessee PHILADELPHIA
NEW ENGLAND NEW ENGLAND NEW ENGLAND NEW ENGLAND NEW ENGLAND
MINNESOTA  Green Bay Green Bay Green Bay Green Bay
Jacksonville  INDIANAPOLIS Jacksonville INDIANAPOLIS Jacksonville
HOUSTON  Cincinnati Cincinnati Cincinnati Cincinnati
Tampa Bay  CHICAGO CHICAGO Tampa Bay CHICAGO
SEATTLE  Arizona Arizona Arizona Arizona
St. Louis  SAN DIEGO SAN DIEGO SAN DIEGO St. Louis
DENVER  DENVER DENVER Miami DENVER
Washington  SAN FRANCISCO Washington SAN FRANCISCO SAN FRANCISCO
Dallas  Dallas Dallas Dallas Dallas
BUFFALO  BUFFALO BUFFALO nyj BUFFALO
Baltimore  NEW ORLEANS NEW ORLEANS NEW ORLEANS NEW ORLEANS
LOCK Patriots  Patriots Browns Packers Packers
Lock Wins 5 5 5 3 2
Fantasy sports are hot!

Fantasy sports are hot!

 

Week 12 Picks ATS….TNF Edition

WEEK 12
THE GAMES (Home team in CAPS)
Date & Time Favorite Spread Underdog
Thurs 8:30 PM kansas city 7 OAKLAND
THE PICKS
Roid Rage Ginger King Dr. Mike Big Daddy Vegas Vinny
OAKLAND OAKLAND kansas city OAKLAND kansas city
Dat dude

Dat dude

Week 11 Picks ATS

WEEK 11
THE GAMES (Home team in CAPS)
Date & Time Favorite Spread Underdog
Thurs 8:30 PM MIAMI 5.5 Buffalo
Sunday 1 PM CLEVELAND 3 Houston
Sunday 1 PM CHICAGO 3.5 Minnesota
Sunday 1 PM KANSAS CITY 1.5 Seattle
Sunday 1 PM CAROLINA 1.5 Atlanta
Sunday 1 PM NEW ORLEANS 6.5 Cincinnati
Sunday 1 PM WASHINGTON 7 Tampa Bay
Sunday 1 PM Denver 9.5 ST. LOUIS
Sunday 1 PM San Francisco 4 NYG
Sunday 4:05 PM SAN DIEGO 10 Oakland
Sunday 4:25 PM GREEN BAY 4.5 Philadelphia
Sunday 4:25 PM ARIZONA 1.5 Detroit
Sunday 8:30 PM INDIANAPOLIS 2.5 New England
Monday 8:30 PM Pittsburgh 5.5 TENNESSEE
THE PICKS
Roid Rage Ginger King Dr. Mike Big Daddy Vegas Vinny
Last Week 9-4 8-5 5-8 6-7 6-7
YTD 65-66-1 74-59-1 65-66-1 64-67-1 65-66-1
Buffalo MIAMI MIAMI Buffalo MIAMI
Houston  Houston CLEVELAND Houston CLEVELAND
Minnesota  CHICAGO CHICAGO Minnesota CHICAGO
Seattle  Seattle Seattle KANSAS CITY Seattle
CAROLINA  Atlanta CAROLINA CAROLINA Atlanta
NEW ORLEANS  NEW ORLEANS NEW ORLEANS NEW ORLEANS Cincinnati
WASHINGTON  WASHINGTON Tampa Bay WASHINGTON Tampa Bay
Denver  Denver Denver ST. LOUIS Denver
NYG  NYG San Francisco San Francisco San Francisco
Oakland  SAN DIEGO SAN DIEGO Oakland Oakland
GREEN BAY  GREEN BAY GREEN BAY Philadelphia GREEN BAY
ARIZONA  ARIZONA Detroit ARIZONA ARIZONA
INDIANAPOLIS  New England New England New England INDIANAPOLIS
TENNESSEE  Pittsburgh TENNESSEE TENNESSEE Pittsburgh
LOCK Broncos  Seattle Panthers  Eagles Broncos
Lock Wins 5 5 4 3 2
I'm back! (for now).

I’m back! (for now).

Week 11 Picks ATS…TNF Edition

WEEK 11
THE GAMES (Home team in CAPS)
Date & Time Favorite Spread Underdog
Thurs 8:30 PM MIAMI 5.5 Buffalo
THE PICKS
Roid Rage Ginger King Dr. Mike Big Daddy Vegas Vinny
Last Week *9-4 *8-5 *5-8 *6-7 *6-7
YTD 65-66-1 74-59-1 65-56-1 64-67-1 65-66-1
Buffalo MIAMI MIAMI Buffalo MIAMI
Nice catch, Tannehill.

Nice catch, Tannehill.

Week 10 Picks ATS!

WEEK 10
THE GAMES (Home team in CAPS)
Date & Time Favorite Spread Underdog
Thurs 8:30 PM CINCINNATI 6 Cleveland
Sunday 1 PM Dallas 6.5 JACKSONVILLE
Sunday 1 PM DETROIT 3 Miami
Sunday 1 PM kansas city 2 BUFFALO
Sunday 1 PM NEW ORLEANS 5 San Francisco
Sunday 1 PM BALTIMORE 9.5 Tennessee
Sunday 1 PM Pittsburgh 5 NYJ
Sunday 1 PM Atlanta 1.5 TAMPA BAY
Sunday 4:05 PM Denver 11.5 OAKLAND
Sunday 4:25 PM ARIZONA 7 St. Louis
Sunday 4:25 PM SEATTLE 9 nyg
Sunday 8:30 PM GREEN BAY 7.5 Chicago
Monday 8:30 PM PHILADELPHIA 6 Carolina
THE PICKS
Roid Rage Ginger King Dr. Mike Big Daddy Vegas Vinny
Last Week 5-8 9-4 5-8 7-6 4-9
YTD 56-62-1 66-54-1 60-58-1 58-60-1 59-59-1
CINCINNATI CINCINNATI CINCINNATI CINCINNATI CINCINNATI
Dallas Dallas Dallas Dallas Dallas
DETROIT DETROIT Miami Miami Miami
BUFFALO Kansas City BUFFALO kansas city BUFFALO
San Francisco NEW ORLEANS NEW ORLEANS NEW ORLEANS NEW ORLEANS
BALTIMORE BALTIMORE Tennessee Tennessee BALTIMORE
Pittsburgh Pittsburgh Pittsburgh NYJ Pittsburgh
Atlanta Atlanta Atlanta Atlanta Atlanta
Denver Denver Denver Denver Denver
ARIZONA ARIZONA ARIZONA St. Louis ARIZONA
SEATTLE nyg nyg nyg nyg
Chicago GREEN BAY GREEN BAY GREEN BAY GREEN BAY
PHILADELPHIA Carolina Carolina Carolina Carolina
LOCK Cowboys  Pittsburgh Cowboys Giants Steelers
Lock Wins 4 5 3 3 2
How 'bout dem Cowboys!

How ’bout dem Cowboys!

Week 10 Picks ATS!….TNF Edition

WEEK 10
THE GAMES (Home team in CAPS)
Date & Time Favorite Spread Underdog
Thurs 8:30 PM CINCINNATI 6 Cleveland
THE PICKS
Roid Rage Ginger King Dr. Mike Big Daddy Vegas Vinny
Last Week 5-8 9-4 5-8 7-6 4-9
YTD 56-62-1 66-54-1 60-58-1 58-60-1 59-59-1
CINCINNATI CINCINNATI CINCINNATI CINCINNATI CINCINNATI
Clean sweep by our panel....what could possibly go wrong?!

Clean sweep by our panel….what could possibly go wrong?!

Tuesday Teabag, November 4, 2014 – Jose Canseco

It’s an Election Day Teabag!  We hope you exercised your meaningless constitutional right to vote for your corrupt, gerrymandered, whoremongering, self-important, piggish, trusted elected officials.  Voting is about as relevant as June baseball.  But somehow, every November, we get all ‘Merica and run to the polls, thinking that this year, it’ll be different.  This year, they will listen to us.  It’s only later we realize we were used, and all they wanted was our money without delivering on any of their promises.  Kind of like being a Cleveland Browns fan.  Anyway, time to get off our political soapbox and on to our Teabag.

We know it’s been a while since our last Teabag.  We know our valid excuses of kids, real job, and Mrs. Machine’s constant need for attention (just kidding baby, you know you’re the best) falls on deaf ears.  But there’s nothing like kids being asleep by 8:00 a washed up professional athlete shooting his finger off to get us back in the mood.  Comeuppance for meatheads always gets our attention.  And with that, we present to you Jose Canseco.

Meathead 101:  Bicep tat (check), tank top (check), hair product (check)

Meathead 101: Bicep tat (check), tank top (check), hair product (check)

One could argue that Jose’s post-baseball career hasn’t exactly turned out as he expected.  You could also argue it’s turned out exactly as we expected.  Canseco, the posterchild for baseball’s steroid era, didn’t exactly garner favor amongst his peers when he published his book, Juiced:  Wild Times, Rampant ‘Roids, Smash Hits & How Baseball Got Big, or 2008’s follow up:  Vindicated.  Besides writing books (we’re being very liberal with the use of the word writing) Jose has engaged in a series of sad public appearances, including Celebrity Apprentice (he got fired), Celebrity Boxing (he got knocked out), and MMA (he got knocked the fuck out).  Take a look:

Yes, it’s been a series of cash grab, look at me I’m still pretty moves for Jose.  And they all have been complete and utter failures.  Now, he can add shooting off his finger to the list of unwise retirement decisions.

Last week, Jose made headlines for shooting his middle finger off while cleaning his gun.  First, that really happens?  The Machine’s not really a gun guy (we do respect the 2nd Amendment so stand back hippies) so excuse our ignorance…but, if we were to own a gun, and then were to clean said gun, wouldn’t you take the ammo out of the gun?  And why do you need to clean a gun?  Does it need to look pretty?  Is this the equivalent of brushing your doll’s hair?  It seems like an extremely vain thing to do…which is why we’re not surprised to learn that Jose was cleaning his gun.  We’re also not surprised to learn that he cleans a loaded gun.  Gee, what could possibly go wrong?

Doctors were able to attach his finger back, but the prognosis for a full recovery is not great.  Naturally, Jose immediately went to the press and social media, in a desperate attempt to remain relevant order to gain some public sympathy.  He was interviewed for Inside Edition (that’s still a show?) and tweeted the following pic:

 

They are perfect for each other.

They are perfect for each other.

Look, all’s not bad for Jose.  He’s got a smoking hot model for a fiancé (clearly that’s going to last), lives in Vegas, and can still rock a tank top in his fifties.  But life’s never going to be better than what it was.  Sorry Jose, but you’re never going to be as rich, or as relevant, as you were.

And that’s the problem with athletes like Jose.  He probably still thinks he’s a big time athlete/celebrity.  Or maybe he thinks he can have a Mike Tyson-like resurgence.  But the huge difference between Tyson and Canseco is that there’s an element of honesty and humility from Tyson.  All you get from Canseco is arrogance and an overpowering scent of Axe Body Spray.

He’s the kind of guy that would…well, tweet his ex-girlfriend’s phone number and tell people to call her and tell her “what a skank thief she is”.  Note:  said ex-girlfriend is now his fiancé…perhaps it will work out after all.

Seriously how many tank tops does he own?

Seriously how many tank tops does he own?

What’s next for Jose?  We’re guessing he’s about six months away from selling his World Series ring or having a sex tape “leak”.  Good luck on that marriage, brah.

Bottom line:  If you shoot your finger off while cleaning your gun, you probably deserve to have your finger shot off.

Enjoy your teabag.

Week 9 Picks ATS!

WEEK 9
THE GAMES (Home team in CAPS)
Date & Time Favorite Spread Underdog
Thurs 8:30 PM New Orleans 3 CAROLINA
Sunday 1 PM MIAMI 1.5 San Diego
Sunday 1 PM CINCINNATI 11 Jacksonville
Sunday 1 PM CLEVELAND 6.5 Tampa Bay
Sunday 1 PM MINNESOTA 1 Washington
Sunday 1 PM Philadelphia 2 HOUSTON
Sunday 1 PM KANSAS CITY 9.5 nyj
Sunday 1 PM DALLAS 3.5 Arizona
Sunday 4:05 PM SAN FRANCISCO 10 St. Louis
Sunday 4:25 PM Denver 3 NEW ENGLAND
Sunday 4:25 PM SEATTLE 15 Oakland
Sunday 8:30 PM PITTSBURGH PK Baltimore
Monday 8:30 PM Indianapolis 3 NYG
THE PICKS
Roid Rage Ginger King Dr. Mike Big Daddy Vegas Vinny
Last Week 8-7 7-8 6-9 10-5 8-7
YTD 59-61-1 64-56-1 61-59-1 61-59-1 63-57-1
CAROLINA CAROLINA New Orleans CAROLINA CAROLINA
San Diego San Diego San Diego MIAMI San Diego
CINCINNATI Jacksonville CINCINNATI Jacksonville CINCINNATI
Tampa Bay CLEVELAND Tampa Bay Tampa Bay CLEVELAND
Washington Washington Washington MINNESOTA Washington
HOUSTON Philadelphia Philadelphia Philadelphia HOUSTON
KANSAS CITY KANSAS CITY nyj KANSAS CITY KANSAS CITY
Arizona Arizona DALLAS DALLAS DALLAS
SAN FRANCISCO St. Louis SAN FRANCISCO SAN FRANCISCO SAN FRANCISCO
Denver NEW ENGLAND NEW ENGLAND NEW ENGLAND Denver
Oakland Oakland Oakland SEATTLE Oakland
Baltimore PITTSBURGH Baltimore Baltimore PITTSBURGH
Indianapolis Indianapolis NYG NYG Indianapolis
LOCK Cardinals  Chargers Chargers Seahawks Chiefs
Lock Wins 3 5 3 3 1

 

Week 9 – Fantasy Waiver Wire Pickups

Alright, you know the drill.  Lots of guys are on bye this week.  Properly navigating the waiver wire separates the truly great from the average.  Religiously reading The Machine will put you at the top of the game (and increase your sex life).  Receiver is of key importance, as several of the top guys (Jordy, Julio, Megatron, Brandon Marshall, Golden Tate) are off.  Loyal Machine readers have prepared for this by picking up Odell Beckham, Jr. weeks ago, when he was only owned in 6% of leagues.  Now, he’s owned in 61%, so you’ll have to look elsewhere.  Luckily, you can still look here for our top waiver wire picks of the week.

I'm back! (for now).

I’m back! (for now).

Robert Griffin, III, QB Washington (47%)

RGIII is back in action this week, as should be a must add in your lineup.  He may not be the long term solution for the Redskins, but he could be the short term solution for your team.  Lost in all of the QB shuffle in Washington is that the Skins love to throw the ball.  Jay Gruden and his brother’s offensive scheme are 5th in the league in passing yards per game, and that’s with Kirk Cousins and Colt McCoy.  With RGIII behind center, the Skins should continue their aerial assault.  Both teams are 3-5 and going nowhere.  The only reason to watch is for fantasy purposes.  If you’re looking for a replacement for Aaron Rogers or Mathew Stafford this week, RGIII provides a nice bridge.

Malcolm Floyd, WR San Diego (41%)

Love the powder blue!

Love the powder blue!

There are a lot of receivers on bye this week (Jordy, Julio, Brandon, Megatron, Golden Tate) so finding a serviceable replacement is a must.  Floyd is that and more.  Malcolm has worked his way into a leading role in San Diego’s offense, he’s averaged 7 targets in each of the past three weeks.  He should get that against Miami, which puts him in line to reach double digit points for the 6th time this season.

Lorenzo Taliaferro, RB Baltimore (35%)

Thanks Ray!

Thanks Ray!

The three headed rushing attack in Baltimore has turned in to a two-man game, with Justin Forsett and Lorenzo leading the charge.  Taliaferro’s biggest asset is that he’s a goaline vulture.  He scored two touchdowns last weekend, and lead the Ravens in receiving yards.  Baltimore plays Pittsburgh this week, and this game should be smash-mouth football.  That works in Taliaferro’s favor, as he’s their short yardage and goaline specialist, and we also catch a few passes.  Plus, with Forsett banged up, that only results in more touches for Lorenzo.  He’s a low end RB2/Flex play this week.

Dwayne Bowe, WR Chiefs (48%)

Once a no brainer WR1, Bowe has fallen to the ranks of consistent bench player.  But, if you’re desperate for a receiver, he’s worth a look.  He’s scored double digits each of the past two weeks, and caught all 6 targets last week.  The Chiefs are also playing the Jets, who are awful.  Bowe is a WR4/5 and worth a look if you’re really in need of a receiver.

Donte Moncrief, WR Colts (14%)

Donte had his coming out game last week, going 7/113/1 against Pittsburgh.  His problem is getting on the field, as the Colts have a ton of offensive weapons (TY, Reggie, Dwayne Allen, Ahmad Bradshaw).  Good news is that it looks like Moncrief has passed Hakeem Nicks on the depth chart, which should give him some more playing time.  The Colts play the Giants this week, and, because of the attention the aforementioned Colts will receive, Moncrief could get lost in the shuffle, making him an easy target for Luck.

Bonus Pickup: 

Jonas Gray, RB Patriots (18%)

Stock's rising.  Buy low.

Stock’s rising. Buy low.

The jury’s still out on Gray, but he burst on the scene last week for New England, rushing for 86 yards and having a td called back for a false start.  He out-touched Shane Vereen 17-5.  We don’t like his (or Vereen’s) matchup this week against Denver, but Jonas deserves a spot on your bench now.  Who the hell knows what Belichcik will do with him…but the upside is there.

Fantasy Football Guns

Week 9 Picks ATS…TNF Edition

WEEK 9
THE GAMES (Home team in CAPS)
Date & Time Favorite Spread Underdog
Thurs 8:30 PM new orleans 3 CAROLINA
THE PICKS
Roid Rage Ginger King Dr. Mike Big Daddy Vegas Vinny
CAROLINA CAROLINA new orleans CAROLINA CAROLINA
Owned

Owned