Author Archives: Ginger King

The Super Bro™ is Here!!!

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We’re about an hour away from kickoff of what promises to be an entertaining game.  Anyone sick of the cross-promotional ads yet?  Yes, the Lone Ranger does look that terrible.  Anyway, back to the task at hand.  The Machine’s had a tough time figuring out this one.  The Niners are the hotter team.  Fast, punishing defense and an offense that no one has figured out (yet:  see Year 2 of the Wildcat).  Ginger King questioned the decision to start C-Kap…but obviously that’s paid off (Alex Smith will look great in a Bills uniform next year).  There’s really no way to pick against the Niners, unless….

They’re playing a team of destiny, and right now, the Ravens have the look of a team of destiny.  They’re almost reminiscent of the Giants of last year.  That overtime win at Denver?  Improbable.  Near double-digit underdogs to the Patriots?  No problem.  The Ravens have been counted out of every game this post-season, and not only have the risen up to the challenge, but have done so in convincing fashion.  Joe Flacco is no Trent Dilfer (a sigh of relief to the greater-Baltimore area).  Combine that with solid play on both sides of the ball (and some deer antler spray) and the Ravens have the post-season magic.  They’re 4.5 underdogs in the Super Bro™…exactly where they want to be.

This really does have the makings of a close game.  In that respect, point goes to Baltimore, as David Akers has been anything but consistent for the Niners this year…missing 13 field goals with an extremely poor 69% field goal conversion.

Although lady luck is on the Ravens side, The Machine thinks that, at the end of the day, C-Kap and crew will do just enough to bring home the Lombardi trophy.  Sorry Baltimore, but sometimes destiny isn’t enough (see 18-1).

Plus, The Machine is a younger brother, and nothing gives us more pleasure than sending a big FU to your big brother…and what better way to do that than to beat him in the Super Bro™.  Jim Harbaugh clearly will do anything to win…so look for a trick play or two (fake punt, onside kick).  The Machine would love a never-before seen pistol option fleaflicker.  We’ll call it the Reloader™

If you want a safe bet…bet the under.  The Machine doesn’t see this being a high-scoring affair.  If you really want a good bet, tease the Ravens and the Under.  Money in the bank.

Ok, time to drink and eat a ridiculous amount of pepperoni, cheese, and chili.  Enjoy the Game (and if Beyonce lip syncs at Halftime everything will be ruined).

Niners 24, Ravens 20

Tuesday Teabag, January 29, 2013 – Super Bro™ Edition

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Of course The Machine has to add on to the ridiculousness that is Media Day at the Super Bowl.  So many overplayed and drawn out stories:  The last ride for Ray Lewis.  The emergence of the pistol.  Oh, and did you know that the coaches for each team are brothers?  They’re calling it the Har Bowl.  Come on media, you can do better than that.  The Machine prefers the Super Bro™. 

Yes folks, there’s really nothing else like the media coverage leading up to a Super Bowl.  With two weeks off, and only one game to report on, the media goes buck wild with Super Bowl coverage, and will do anything to draw attention to themselves and their networks.  It’s mostly all bullshit…except Inside Edition hiring Katherine Webb.  That’s totally legit.  With that much media coverage, it’s guaranteed to deliver some quality teabags.  Like giving money to a homeless person (you really think Shaky Joe used that buck for a McMuffin?) no good can come from intense media scrutiny.  And with that, The Machine presents to you a trio of Super Bro™ Media Day Teabags.

Joe Flacco.  When asked about his thoughts about next year’s Super Bowl in NYC, Flacco responded, “I think it’s retarded. I probably shouldn’t say that. I think it’s stupid.  If you want a Super Bowl, put a retractable dome on your stadium.  Then you can get one.”  He continued his whining, saying “I don’t really like the idea.  I don’t think people would react very well to it, or be glad to play anybody in that kind of weather.”  This response is retarded (Joe’s word not ours) for many reasons.

First, you expect lesser known players (see #2 below) to make some Teabag worthy comments.  But not your quarterback.  He’s supposed to be the one player that’s above the fray, who’s supposed to exhibit a resolve that never breaks.  Remember those inappropriate quotes from Tom Brady and Eli last year?  Exactly.  Hey Joe, you may not play like an elite quarterback, but you should at least act like one.

Second, that’s the question you choose to drop the R word on.  It’s the softest of softball question.  The obvious answer:  “I’m not concerned with that Super Bowl.  The only one I want to talk about is the one I’m playing in.”  Giving a controversial answer to an otherwise innocuous question is…well…you know what it is.

Third, way to show the world what a complete pussy you are.  The Super Bowl can only be in warm weather, particularly a dome to ensure a sterile, climate-controlled environment?  Why?  Is the frozen tundra of Lambeau Field only cool during the regular season?  Having a Super Bowl in NYC is actually (another) brilliant move by the NFL.  Your crying about a game being played in cold weather is not.

Update:  Joe, after he (read:  the Ravens PR staff) had a chance to reflect on his comments, folded like a two dollar whore.  “Obviously, it was a poor choice of words.  At home, I have a close relationship with Special Olympics.  I didn’t mean to offend anyone.  I definitely apologize for that.”  You know you screwed up royally when you have to resort to the “I have a lot of retarded friends” line. 

Bernard Pollard.  The Baltimore Ravens safety made some eye-raising comments when he declared that they NFL will not be in existence in 30 years because of all the rule changes to make the game safer.  The game will be so watered-down, he reasoned, that people won’t want to watch.  Interestingly, he then admitted that the players are bigger, faster, stronger, and hit harder than ever before, and that he’s waiting for a player to die on the field.

Ok, where to begin.  Well, nothing is the same today as it was 30 years ago.  Music today sucks and what the fuck is Pinterest?  Regarding football, do you remember the NFL of the 80’s?  Does the phrase “3 yards and a cloud of dust” ring a bell?  That NFL was boring and predictable, and there was zero emphasis on player safety (shake off the concussion boy, you’re fine).  How many episodes of Outside the Lines do you have to watch of former players suffering memory loss or other debilitating illnesses to know that something’s got to change?  And, despite these changes, the game’s never been more exciting than it is today.  You can still deliver knock out hits…similar to the (totally legal) beat down you laid on Stevan Ridley in the AFC Championship Game. 

Yes, the buzz word in the NFL today is safety.  The goal is to maintain the integrity of the game while making it safer…perhaps, in part, because today’s NFL player is bigger, faster, stronger, and hits harder than ever before.  Sure, some talked about changes are a bit much (The Machine has faith that the NFL will realize eliminating kickoffs is dumb) but saying that the NFL won’t exist because it will turn into two hand touch football is simply dumb.  And ending your anti-safety remarks with concern that someone may die on the field is slightly (sarcasm intended) contradictory.

People aren’t going stop watching football because you can’t lead with your head or form a wedge.  We live in a nanny state now, the average NFL fan is no doubt an overprotective parent whose (more) overprotective spouse insists on changing the channel if there’s too much violence on TV (it’s bad for the kids).  Right or wrong, gratuitous violence is not a part of mainstream culture anymore, despite The Machine’s appreciation of MMA and Bum Fighting. 

Ok, time to go and chew my son’s food and feed it to him mama bird/baby bird style (everyone’s doing it).  Be right back.

Randy Moss.  Moss declared himself to be the best WR to ever play the game.  This one’s easy. 

Randy Moss – 982/15,292/156

Jerry Rice – 1,549/22,895/197

It’s not even close.  Top 5?  Sure.  But GOAT?  Not a chance.  No one measures up to Jerry Rice.  You lose in every category, especially in the “being a good teammate and not a malcontent diva” category.  Need more convincing?  Ask yourself this:  Was Jerry Rice ever used as a decoy?

For the sake of Niners fans, let’s hope Randy’s not passing on his wisdom and football ethics to Vernon Davis and Michael Crabtree.

There you have it folks.  Good thing is, we only have to suffer through five more days of useless media coverage, Katherine Webb excluded, until the Super Bro™.

Tuesday Teabag, January 22, 2013 – Manti Te’o and Notre Dame

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What a crazy week.  Once again, there was fight to be this week’s Tuesday Teabag.  Honorable mention goes to Tom Brady and his bitch kick.  Do you realize it’s been 8 years since the Patriots won the Super Bowl?  #thedynastyisdead. 

No friends, this Tuesday Teabag goes to none other than Manti Te’o and the Notre Dame Fighting Irish.  For much of the past six days, The Machine has been completely transfixed by the Manti Te’o story.  Was he in on it?  When did he know?  What the fuck is catfishing?  Is there such thing as a Hawaiian Mormon?  So many questions, so little time.  Let’s get right into it.

First, much props to Deadspin for uncovering this nugget of crazy.  If you haven’t read the Deadspin article, do it now.  Those dudes are always all over the stories we need to know (nice work on the Brett Favre junk story, btw).

In some way or another, you’ve all heard and/or read the story by now:  Manti Te’o, star LB for Notre Dame who finished second in the Heisman voting, was in a “relationship” with Lennay Kekua since 2009.  Then, in September, 2012, just after his grandmother dies, his girlfriend dies as well, from leukemia, after recovering from a car accident.  This double-whammy of personal tragedy elevates Manti to the national spotlight (oh how we love watching people play sports through personal problems).  The media (whores) seize on this story, and Manti’s instantly on the cover of Sports Illustrated (note: just because you write about sports doesn’t mean you don’t have to fact check) and he becomes a household name.

There was only one tiny problem:  Lennay did not exist.  The whole relationship was a sham.  Depending on who you believe, Manti was either in on the hoax or was the victim of a cruel joke.  It’s been rumored that a friend of Manti, Ronaiah Tuiasosopo, was the mastermind behind the hoax.  But why and to what gain?  Just messing with a naïve meathead?  And where is Ronaiah?  And then, you have Reagan Mauia of the Arizona Cardinals saying she’s real?  Who the hell is this guy? 

Ok, where do we begin?  First, you’re not in a relationship if you haven’t banged, let alone seen your partner.  Second, Manti…you’re not only a Division I athlete, you’re the starting middle linebacker for the most storied college football program in the country.  You don’t need the internet to get laid (leave that to the losers that paint your helmet every week).  Third, how could you possibly be that dumb where, for three years, you thought you were in a relationship yet never met the person, and, whenever you tried, you were rebuffed?  How many times did you fall for the “my facetime isn’t working” line?  That didn’t clue you in that maybe, just maybe, you’re sexting with a trucker? 

Then, as if things couldn’t get weirder, you pull out (something you never did with Lennay) of the Senior Bowl and become a recluse.  Then, perhaps under the urging of your PR firm, you agree to do an interview but refuse to be on camera.  Thus, we have to form our opinion of whether you’re telling the truth on how Jeremy Schaap formed his.  Yes, this Jeremy Schaap.  No thank you, that did nothing to satisfy us.  We need to see you with our own eyes.

Ok, says PR Team, problem solved.  Manti’s agreed to do an interview, on camera, with hard-hitting award journalist Katie Couric.  That would appear to comply with what we want, but then The Machine’s Research Department uncovered this nugget:  Manti and Katie are represented by the same PR firm.  Do you honestly think they’re going to put Manti in harm’s way by having an objective interview?  Of course not.  This interview will be completely pre-rehearsed, pre-recorded, edited, and framed to make Manti the victim.  Look, we get that that’s the job of a good PR Team.  They need to work double-time to keep you in the first round of the draft.  But dammit, we didn’t waste the better part of five straight working days to not get the truth.  The Machine wants the truth.  The Machine needs the truth.  Sadly, The Machine doesn’t think we’ll ever know the real story.

Unless he scores a 0 on the Wonderlic, The Machine finds it hard to believe that he didn’t know.  Maybe he didn’t help create it, but he certainly didn’t go to any lengths to correct people after he realized what was up.  And what’s with catfishing?  Is it a real thing?  Is it this generation’s version of phony phone calls?  This story, if nothing else, has helped The Machine (comfortably in his 30s) realize that he has more in common with people in their 40s then people in their 20s.  Shit…

And why does Notre Dame get lumped in with this Teabag, you ask?  Well, within minutes of learning of this alleged hoax, the Fighting Irish embark on their own investigation, the results of which they conclude that Manti was 100% not a part of this hoax.  However, we come to find out that their “investigation” was paper thin.  They didn’t interview Manti, his family, or Ronaiah.  But yet, they are 100% certain that their meal ticket…err, student athlete, wasn’t involved.  You get the sense that they were more concerned about preserving the legacy of Notre Dame than helping to vindicate Manti.  If only they would act so swiftly when there’s a real dead girl.  Their handling of this situation, and hand-washing of the Lizzy Seeberg story, is shameful. 

Anyway, Manti, here’s some advice from The Machine:  Get your shit together.  This story isn’t going to hurt you as much as your performance in the National Championship Game will.  Your Combine results are more important than your sit down with Katie.  Don’t forget that.  Also, DO NOT open that e-mail from the Nigerian Prince (hint: he’s not a real prince). 

Enjoy the Teabag.

Tuesday Teabag, January 15, 2013 – Lance Armstrong

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Somewhere along the line, probably in one of those father/son teaching moments, The Machine was told to never kick a man when they’re down.  Considering we spend one article a week completely trashing people for the dumb stuff they do and say, clearly that advice was well taken.  Papa Machine must be proud.

Anyway, we can’t help but pile the trash on top of Lance Armstrong.  While normally reserved to people with two functioning testicles (is it really a teabag with just one?), your actions over the past few days leave us with no other choice.  Confessing on Oprah?  Really, dude.  That’s so 1994.  Was Montell Williams booked? 

You know, it’s not so much that he used performance enhancing drugs and participated (read: orchestrated) the greatest blood-doping scheme ever.  Loyal readers of The Machine know that we really don’t care that much about athletes and doping.  It’s been going on forever and will continue to go on forever.  And, not to get too far off topic, but what’s the difference between steroids (illegal) and cortisone shots and painkillers (prescribed liberally by every team doctor)?  But I digress…

No Lance, the real reason you’re in our crosshairs is the way you went about it all.  You didn’t just issue denials.  You loudly proclaimed to the world that you never took drugs, were the most tested athlete ever, and that you past every drug test.  You went so far as to sue newspapers and (former) friends for claiming otherwise.  That takes stones, or, in your case, stone.  And, to top it all off, after your 7 Tour de France titles were stricken, you post a picture of yourself lounging in your house under your Tour de France jerseys.  FYI, nothing says “I’m the biggest d-bag of all-time” then posing in front of invalidated trophies.

Also let’s not forget your (soon to be defunct) Livestrong Foundation and the millions of cancer patients (including many children) that you defrauded.  You, probably more than any other athlete because of your battle with cancer, were a role model.  People were touched by your story and wanted to “live strong” because of it.  Not only did people look up to you, but people who desperately needed hope to stay alive looked up to you.  That has been irretrievably broken.

And, perhaps worst of all, you validated the French.  The Machine (and the rest of ‘Merica) took great pleasure in having a good old boy from the States (a rootin’, shootin’ Texan no less) travel to the land of the cowards time and time again and take home their most coveted trophy.  We (and by we I mean the Western Hemisphere) don’t give a shit about cycling.  All we know is that the French really like it and thus, we hate it. 

The Machine’s willing to bet that, in your warped sense of reality, you thought that, because of all the good you did with Livestrong, that that somehow balances out all the lies, and people should be able to separate the two and still think of you like a God.  The Machine’s also willing to bet that you’re one of these assholes that, after apologizing for egregious conduct, can’t understand why people won’t move on (“I said I’m sorry what more do you want?”) 

Yes folks, make no mistake about it.  Lance’s “apology” is as much of an orchestrated ploy as his doping scheme.  Unless you think it was mere coincidence that he chose now to come forward, think about this.  The statute of limitations for perjury is 7 years.  Care to guess when he testified under oath that he never used drugs?  That’s right, 2005.  This is (yet another) f-you move on your part.  Flipping the bird to the feds right after the expiration of the statute of limitations, while smart legally, is just another example of your dickishness, and how the only thing you’re really sorry for is getting caught.

Keep a close eye on our boy Lance.  He is slowly trying to transform himself into the victim.  Next, he’ll give some money back to sponsors (reportedly $5 million, note: it’s easy to give $5 million away when you have over $100 million) plus probably make amends by ratting out to the feds, and becoming a spokesperson against drugs (3-1 odds says he’s out in public wearing a DARE t-shirt by March). 

Hopefully, we don’t let you off the hook and re-establish yourself as America’s darling (see Ray Lewis).  Instead, The Machine hopes you get the Pete Rose treatment.  That you’ll be at a table next to the Arc de Triomphe signing autographs during the Tour de France, or in the parking lot outside the Cycling convention (if such a thing exists).  You deserve nothing more.

Enjoy your Tuesday Teabag.  Hopefully it’s the last thing you’ll ever win.

NFC Divisional Round, Sunday

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Seattle at Atlanta (-2.5)

First, The Machine took it on the chin last night…going 0-2 in our picks.  First, wtf Peyton.  Tebow won a playoff game for Denver (just sayin’) #jesusisclutch.  And who would’ve thought, after a back and forth first half, that the Niners would absolutely explode and the Packers would absolutely collapse.  Such is sports.

Anyway, we’re here to totally redeem ourselves today, starting the NFC Divisional showdown between the Seattle and Atlanta.

These teams are polar opposites on offense.  The Falcons come in as the Number 1 seed, and have a dominant passing attack, with hands down the best 1-2 punch at WR with Roddy White and Julio Jones.  The passing game more than makes up for the lack of production in running the ball.  Matty Ice has come of age this year, throwing for over 4,700 yards and 32 tds.  On defense, the Falcons are tough to gauge.  At times, the play at an elite level, (as the shutout of the Giants proves) but they have also been inconsistent (like when Carolina dropped 30 on them).

Seattle, on the other hand, has a bruising running game with Beastmode anchoring the #3 rushing attack in the NFL, over 161 yards per game.  There are really no threats at WR…although Russell Wilson (the only rookie QB left standing) creates enough plays and is elusive enough to get them open.  The Machine doesn’t think of Wilson as really part of the new school run/threat option, which is a good things (#itsafad).  He’s played out of his mind this year, throwing for over 3,100 yards and 26 tds.  Seattle also has a dominant, Top 10 defense that doesn’t get the credit or attention it deserves.

A lot of people are picking the Seahawks to come in and upset the 13-3 Falcons, but The Machine doesn’t think so.  Seattle has some key injuries that will prove fatal.  Beastmode is dinged up, only practicing on Friday with a bum knee.  Additionally, Sydney Rice(who quietly had a solid year going 50/748/7) is hurt and didn’t practice all week.  While they may be able to get by with one of those two injured, they will not be able overcome both of them.

Seattle’s D (and Pete Carroll’s play calling) will keep this game interesting.  However, The Machine likes the Falcons and Matty Ice to get his first playoff win.

Seattle 20, Falcons 31

Happy International Kiss a Ginger Day!!!

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Have you kissed a Ginger today?

Ginger King has a packed schedule today, making public appearances all over town, giving all normal people a chance to live out their fantasies and kiss a ginger (for $20 I’ll let you touch and pet me too).  If you don’t know about International Kiss a Ginger Day, you ether (a) haven’t lived, or (b) are lying.  Take 30 seconds to google (it’s true).

For anyone that hasn’t found me yet, I’ll be in the parking lot of Applebee’s during halftime of the Broncos/Ravens, then I got a private party where I plan to get my drink on and watch the Niners/Packers.  After that, I’ll be at the Wafflehouse from 2:00 am to 4:00 am.

If you can’t find me, make sure to find any Ginger and thank them for everything they do.  And then kiss them.

NFC Divisional Round, Saturday

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Green Bay at San Francisco (-2.5)

By far the hardest game to predict this weekend.  The Machine has gone back and forth on this one.  On the one hand, the Packers are red hot, and hot at the right time.  Who cares if you can’t name their starting running back?  Over the last four games, Aaron Rodgers has 11 tds and 0 ints.  Rodgers has quietly put together an MVP-like season, throwing for nearly 4,300 yards, 39 tds, and 8 ints, and that’s not including the 274/1/0 he put up against the Vikes last week.  Defense has been their weakness this year, but they are healthy and held Adrian Peterson to under 100 yards last week (after giving up over 400 yards to AP during the regular season).

On the other hand, you have the 49ers.  Hands down, the best D in the league.  They are faster, nastier, and hit harder than any other team (and we all know defense wins championships).  Their coach is the most intense man in the NFL (The Machine can’t tell if he’s smiling or dropping a deuce) and he clearly will do anything to win now (just ask Alex Smith).  On offense, they run hard and run often, finishing 4th in the league at more than 155 yards a game.  Coach Harbaugh made the gutsiest call of the year, handing the reigns over to Colin Kaepernick mid-season (check out The Machine’s exclusive coverage of that here).  And while it’s easy to say the experiment worked out (the Niners won the NFC West and got a first round bye) the numbers aren’t as clear.

Remarkably, Smith and Kaepernick each attempted 218 passes, which makes it ridiculously easy to compare them.  Kaepernick went for 1,814/10/3 for a solid QB rating of 98.3 (and 9 fumbles).  Smith was 1,737/13/5 and 4 fumbles, for a QB rating of 104.1.  So who’s better?  While Smith has slightly better numbers this year, the answer is: it doesn’t matter.  With a premier running game and defense, all you need is a QB with a decent arm and a heartbeat (similar to The Machine’s taste in women…sorry to all my female amputee fans).

And, these teams already played each other this year, with San Francisco winning 30-22 in Green Bay.  But that was soooo Week 1.

With a match up this close, it all comes down to storylines, and there is no better storyline than this:  Revenge.  Who could forget 2005, when the Niners, holding the #1 pick in the draft, selected Alex Smith over Aaron Rodgers, a NoCal native whose favorite team growing up was San Francisco.  Rodgers (painfully) sat in the green room and inexplicably fell all the way to 24.  Obviously, Aaron Rodgers, with his Super Bowl ring, Super Bowl MVP, regular season MVP, Associated Press Athlete of the Year, and discount double-check, is the better quarterback than the now-backup Smith.  So perhaps Aaron isn’t mad anymore…I mean, it was almost 8 years ago.  But then The Machine stumbled upon this, and this, and realized this:

Aaron Rodgers has been waiting for this day since April 23, 2005.  He has been biding his time, knowing, hoping, that this day would come.  Where he could go back home, into the stadium where he wanted to play, in front of his family and friends and, more importantly, the front office executives of the Niners, and make those fuckers pay, and pay dearly.

Rodgers is going to come out fired up, like Ray Lewis out of the tunnel fired up.  He will inspire his defense to play better.  Although listed as probable, Justin Smith and his floppy triceps will prevent the Niners from getting the consistent up front pressure they’ll need to contain Rodgers.  This will give Aaron enough time in the pocket to find his healthy stable of receivers.  It will also open up some running lanes for him as well (yes, we’re calling a rushing td for him too).

While The Machine (at least Ginger King) has not done well picking against the Niners this year, the playoffs are all about who’s hot, and right now, no one’s hotter than the Packers and Aaron Rodgers.  Add on top of that the powerful motivator of revenge, and this has upset written all over it.  Take the Pack with points (and throw some on the money line too).

Green Bay 24, San Francisco 20

Tuesday Teabag, January 8, 2013 – Syracuse Football Fans

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Wow, our first TT of 2013!  The Machine (and Mrs. Machine) was nursing a mega-hangover on New Year’s Day (and thus unable to type, let alone form coherent thoughts), but now The Machine’s (reasonably) sober, and ready to get back to doing our dream job!

2013’s not even a week old, and there are plenty of teabags to go around (we’re looking at you Mike Shanahan).  Surprisingly, Mike and his (career ending?) decision to leave RGIII in the game despite his noticeable (career ending?) knee injury gets a pass.  Instead, our focus is not on one individual, but an entire group of people (#stereotypingcanbefun).

Being from Central New York (an “Upstater”) The Machine couldn’t help but take notice of Doug Marrone, the former SU Football coach who left to become the head coach of the Buffalo Bills.  On its surface, it’s not that much of a story:  college coach becomes NFL coach.  Happens all the time, sometimes good (see Pete Carroll, 2012), sometimes not so good (see Pete Carroll, 1994).  But it wasn’t the fact that he left, but rather the reaction from the SU fans, that makes this story teabagable (2013 word of the year).

Indeed, The Machine’s inbox was flooded with angry messages from Cuse fans who felt betrayed that Marrone not only left them, but lied to them.  A casual perusing of The Machine’s facebook page saw dozens of angry posts, each one worse than the last, all with vitriol for Doug.

It seems that the majority of the fans’ ire is that Coach Marrone is leaving his “dream job”.  You see, when Marrone, a former player at SU, accepted the head coaching position at Syracuse four years ago, he called it his dream job, surprising considering the clusterfuck of a program he inherited.  In those four years, Marrone transformed Syracuse football from a complete joke into a respectable program that finished tied for first in the Big East this year, had two winning seasons, and was 2-0 in bowl games (inaugural winner of the Pinstripe bowl, bitches).  Without question, he improved the program, leaving it in better hands for his successor.

Because of his success, it’s natural for fans to be disappointed.  However, SU fans went right past disappointment and settled for shock and anger.  “He lied to us!” whined SU fans.  “Why would he leave his dream job?”

Let’s get a few things straight:

Number 1, no one’s dream job is in Syracuse, New York.

Number 2, of course he would call it his dream job when he was hired.  He played at Syracuse, and thus has a deep connection with the program and the University.  It’s called coach-speak.  When a coach (not named Gregg Williams), in pre-game warmups, says “we’re gonna slaughter them on the field” does he actually want his players to murder the opponent?  Let The Machine translate for you:  “This is my dream job” = “I’m excited as shit to be here.”

Number 3, every college coach wants to be an NFL coach.  The Machine learned that before learning to read.

Number 4, dreams change.  The Machine loves his job as a “sports journalist”, but if Axl Rose calls and says “your idea about a Ginger Hall of Fame (and your karaoke of Sweet Child) is incredible.  How about I fund it and you run it?”  The Machine would pack up his shit and go.  Simple as that.  The allure of the NFL will always be there.  More money, more power, and more control, three things that (a) are generally awesome and (b) are even more awesome for egotistical, power-craving football coaches.

Number 5, if there’s any outrage to go around, it should be directed at these “fans”.  Where were they during the dark days (Greg Robinson era)?  The 1-10 2005 Season—with that one win coming over Buffalo (oh sweet irony).  Were they at the Dome with their Perry Patterson jersey, cheering on their favorite team wondering where the hell the Dome Ranger is? (remember, in sickness and in health, yes, loving a sports team is like a marriage).  No.  Instead, you couldn’t give your tickets away fast enough, ashamed to even acknowledge the football team (“I really just watch basketball or (if you’re really hardcore) lacrosse”).  Now that you’ve had a little success, you come out of the woodwork with your (newly purchased) Orange football hoodie, and are somehow entitled to keeping your coach as long as you want him.

Point is:  coaches can be as fickle as their fans.  Don’t hate on Marrone because he took a better paying job, with more authority and control.  Granted, could the Buffalo Bills win the Pinstripe Bowl?  Debatable.  But remember the SU program he inherited:  they couldn’t win a goldfish at the County Fair (tossing that ping-pong ball in the bowl is pretty tough, btw) let alone a football game.

And him saying this was his “dream job” changes nothing.  Let.  It.  Go.  Does that somehow obligate him to a life long tenure?  Does he get to stay at his job regardless of how well or poor he does?  Of course not (he’s not a teacher).  You would gladly run him out of town if he didn’t perform to your expectations.

The local media, clearly not able to let the “dream job” thing go, raised this at his press conference in Buffalo, to which he responded:  “When I went in there and said it’s my dream job, I meant that. I really did.  I had the opportunity to restore that program.  That dream became a reality for me.  Now I’m moving forward with my next dream, which is to be an NFL coach.”  The Machine will gladly translate that for any SU fan still searching for answers:  “Dreams change, motherfucker.  I gave you four solid years, and built my resume…err, the program, to a respectable level.  Now this is my new dream job (until Jerry Jones calls in four years).”

The Machine says best of luck to Coach Marrone.  The Bills are an absolute mess, and they could definitely use your help (this is a not so subtle plug for you to hire The Machine as your draft scouts.  Guaranteed to deliver a solid class, certainly better than anything that’s been done in recent past (Aaron-fucking Maybin)).

Get over it SU fans.  Why he would trade one depressing Upstate New York city for another is a totally legitimate topic.  Claiming he lied to you is not.  Enjoy your teabag.

Wild Card – Day 2

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The Machine struck gold last night, going 2-0 with our Wild Card picks, gaining back some of the money Mrs. Machine blew on the holidays.  Now, we’re strapped in and ready to kick some more ass.  Yesterday’s games ended up being snoozers…the outcomes were decided by halftime.  Today’s games, however, will be much more interesting.  Good thing you got The Machine to help you dominate.

Indy at Baltimore (-7)

There’s a lot of history between these two franchises, none of it good.  That will lead to a lot of chipiness between the players (The Machine sets the over/under on personal fouls at 3).  Ray Lewis is back, just in time to right the ship of this defense that has gotten old quick.  He should provide a much needed emotional spark.  But will it be enough?  The Ravens are an interesting team:  can we all just admit that Joe Flacco is a Game Manager?  That’s not a bad thing, especially when you have Ray Rice in the backfield.  The Ravens finished 11th in the league in rushing, and they will have to rely on Ray Ray early and often if they want to win.  For some unexplained reason, the Ravens sometimes forget Ray’s their offensive engine.

For Indy, everything from here on out is gravy.  No one expected this team to compete, let alone make the playoffs.  Everyone expected Reggie Wayne to bolt in the offseason.  Instead, Reggie had a career year, posting an impressive 106/1355/5 stat sheet.  Andrew Luck is for real, setting a rookie record with 4,374 yards and 23 tds, good for 7th in the league in passing.  Running is still an issue.  Vick Ballard has proven useful, but will he be enough of a presence to force the Ravens to play the run?

This game is hard to predict…and The Machine thinks the odds makers are crazy making the Ravens a touchdown favorite (#easymoney).  In fact, The Machine thinks that Indy has enough moxy and motivation (see Chuck Pagano) to upset Baltimore.  You heard it here first.  Indy pulls out an upset thriller.

Indy 17, Baltimore 14

Seattle (-3) at Washington

The battle of rookie qbs.  Russell Wilson v. RGIII.  Make no mistake about it:  without these two rookies, neither team had a chance of making the playoffs, showing you just how special they are (and a rookie qb class that rivals 1983).

Everyone ripped Pete Carroll for drafting Wilson in the third round, after dropping some serious cash on Matt Flynn.  A wasted pick, many said.  Well Pete’s laughed all the way to the playoffs, as Russell has guided this team to an 11-5 record.  Beastmode has been consistent all season, racking up 1,560 yards, and the Seahawks are 3rd in the NFL in rushing.  The play of Russell and Beastmode has taken away attention from the Seattle D, which is in the top 10 against both the run (6th) and the pass (10th).

For Washington, RGIII has surpassed Obama as the most important man in D.C.  He has single-handedly changed the culture and attitude in D.C., which has had its share of awful football as of late.  Mike Shanahan has provided the stability in coaching that this team needs.  The Skins are unstoppable rushing the ball, leading the league in rushing at nearly 170 yards a game.  The one-two combo of RGII and fellow rookie Alfred Morris has proven gold.  A question remains about RGIII’s knee, and how effective he’ll be outside the pocket.  On defense, Washington’s 5th against the run but an abysmal 30th against the pass.  This will give Russell Wilson some opportunities to get the ball down the field.

Despite all the (well-deserved) hype about RGIII, there’s a reason Seattle’s a three point favorite on the road.  Pete Carroll will have some tricks up his sleeves, and The Machine (normally a biased east coast sports fan) likes the Seahawks to move on, although this will be close all the way, so how can you not go with Washington and the points?

Seattle 17, Washington 16

Wild Card Round 1

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It’s go time!!!  12 teams enter, 1 team leaves.  Who will that team be?  Well, we’re getting a little ahead of ourselves.  The important question is: who can we bet on to win today’s games?  Now you’re talking.  The Machine has the answers you need to get you through the playoffs.

Cincinnati at Houston (-4.5)

A rematch from last year’s wild card round, the Bengals march in to Houston to once again try to dethrone the Texans.  Last year, the stars were aligned for a Bengals victory:  Schaub was hurt, putting then rookie TJ Yates behind center.  However, Andy Dalton, our favorite football ginger (sorry Shayne Graham) threw three picks, and the Texans won easily 31 to10.

This game should be more competitive that last year.  The Bengals have quietly put together a solid 10-6 season, and Dalton may be the most under the radar QB in the league (proof that the NFL doesn’t want a ginger QB to succeed, right Rush?), throwing for 27 tds and nearly 3700 yards.  A.J. Green is a stud, and Jermaine Gresham provides a great safety valve.  On defense, the Bengals are also pretty complete.  Proving once again that character concerns are for pussies, the Bengals took a huge risk on Vontaze Burfict this year, but it paid off HUGE, as Vontaze led the team with 127 tackles and 0 arrests.  Shit, Pacman Jones didn’t get arrested this year, which makes The Machine wonder if the Bengals actually lock up their players on off days or shut down every strip club in Ohio.

However, despite all these positives, the Bengals are run in to a Texans squad that is healthy, hungry, and playing with a huge chip on their shoulders.  The playoffs are all about balance, and no team has better balance right now than the Houston Texans.  Schaub is healthy, and Foster and Andre Johnson need to introductions.  Andre Johnson had a monster year, and only got better as the season went on, averaging 10/130 over the past three games.  On defense, the Texans are legit, led by JJ Watt and his 20.5 sacks.  The Texans are well-balanced throughout their D, with Watt on the line, Cushing at LB, and Kareem Jackson at CB.

While the Bengals will put up a better fight than last year, they’re still a year away from making a serious playoff run.  The Texans, meanwhile, are ready to win now.  They run the best play-action in the game, so look for them to burn Cincy on a few long plays.  The Texans are just too much to handle, and Ginger Nation waits another year for a Ginger QB in the Super bowl (any chance Peyton can dye his hair?)

Texans 24, Cincinnati 17.

Minnesota at Green Bay (-7.5)

A rematch from last week, Minnesota and Green Bay play each other for the third time this year.  They split the regular season series, and the Vikings are getting no respect, coming in to Green Bay at more than a touchdown underdog.

That’s a lot, considering the Vikes have Adrian Peterson and his non-human knee.  AP has torched the Pack this year, averaging a ridiculous 204.5 yards per game.  AP alone will keep the Vikings in this game.  That’s good because, besides Peterson, the Vikes have a collection of overachievers and no names on offense.  Who thought Kyle Rudolph and Michael Jenkins would become receiving threats?  Percy Harvin has talent, but a #1 WR needs to put up more than 677 yards.  However, it all falls on Christian Ponder.  The Packers should put 11 in the box to stop AP.  If Ponder can get in a rhythm, it will force Green Bay to play a more balanced scheme, which will open up lines for AP.

Green Bay is perhaps the most unbalanced team in the playoffs, ranking 20th in the league in rushing and 9th in passing.  They have no running game and a Defense that gives up big plays.  Having said that, they also have Aaron Rodgers, and what they lack in balance they make up in explosiveness.  Rodgers loves playing the Viking, averaging 325.5 yards against the Vikings this year.  The Pack will need to rely on their passing game, because their running game is suspect at best, led by Alex Green and his 464 yards (0 tds).  Rodgers is second on the team in rushing with 259 yards (2 tds).  On defense, the Packers do just enough, ranking 11th in the league in passing and 17th in rushing.  This middle of the road defense won’t kill you, but it certainly won’t make game-changing plays.

Each team has their flaws, but the advantage goes to the Packers.  The home team won each game this year, and look for that to continue tonight.  This game will be close, but the nighttime crowd at Lambeau Field (note:  on The Machine’s bucket list) will give the Packers the energy they need to move on.  Take Minnesota with the points.

Green Bay 31, Minnesota 27.

**Update** 

Christian Ponder is not playing.  Instead, Joe Webb will be leading the charge.  Now, the Vikings deserve no respect.  Thus, disregard everything that’s written above:  the Pack easily win by double digits.