Monthly Archives: January 2013

Tuesday Teabag, January 8, 2013 – Syracuse Football Fans

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Wow, our first TT of 2013!  The Machine (and Mrs. Machine) was nursing a mega-hangover on New Year’s Day (and thus unable to type, let alone form coherent thoughts), but now The Machine’s (reasonably) sober, and ready to get back to doing our dream job!

2013’s not even a week old, and there are plenty of teabags to go around (we’re looking at you Mike Shanahan).  Surprisingly, Mike and his (career ending?) decision to leave RGIII in the game despite his noticeable (career ending?) knee injury gets a pass.  Instead, our focus is not on one individual, but an entire group of people (#stereotypingcanbefun).

Being from Central New York (an “Upstater”) The Machine couldn’t help but take notice of Doug Marrone, the former SU Football coach who left to become the head coach of the Buffalo Bills.  On its surface, it’s not that much of a story:  college coach becomes NFL coach.  Happens all the time, sometimes good (see Pete Carroll, 2012), sometimes not so good (see Pete Carroll, 1994).  But it wasn’t the fact that he left, but rather the reaction from the SU fans, that makes this story teabagable (2013 word of the year).

Indeed, The Machine’s inbox was flooded with angry messages from Cuse fans who felt betrayed that Marrone not only left them, but lied to them.  A casual perusing of The Machine’s facebook page saw dozens of angry posts, each one worse than the last, all with vitriol for Doug.

It seems that the majority of the fans’ ire is that Coach Marrone is leaving his “dream job”.  You see, when Marrone, a former player at SU, accepted the head coaching position at Syracuse four years ago, he called it his dream job, surprising considering the clusterfuck of a program he inherited.  In those four years, Marrone transformed Syracuse football from a complete joke into a respectable program that finished tied for first in the Big East this year, had two winning seasons, and was 2-0 in bowl games (inaugural winner of the Pinstripe bowl, bitches).  Without question, he improved the program, leaving it in better hands for his successor.

Because of his success, it’s natural for fans to be disappointed.  However, SU fans went right past disappointment and settled for shock and anger.  “He lied to us!” whined SU fans.  “Why would he leave his dream job?”

Let’s get a few things straight:

Number 1, no one’s dream job is in Syracuse, New York.

Number 2, of course he would call it his dream job when he was hired.  He played at Syracuse, and thus has a deep connection with the program and the University.  It’s called coach-speak.  When a coach (not named Gregg Williams), in pre-game warmups, says “we’re gonna slaughter them on the field” does he actually want his players to murder the opponent?  Let The Machine translate for you:  “This is my dream job” = “I’m excited as shit to be here.”

Number 3, every college coach wants to be an NFL coach.  The Machine learned that before learning to read.

Number 4, dreams change.  The Machine loves his job as a “sports journalist”, but if Axl Rose calls and says “your idea about a Ginger Hall of Fame (and your karaoke of Sweet Child) is incredible.  How about I fund it and you run it?”  The Machine would pack up his shit and go.  Simple as that.  The allure of the NFL will always be there.  More money, more power, and more control, three things that (a) are generally awesome and (b) are even more awesome for egotistical, power-craving football coaches.

Number 5, if there’s any outrage to go around, it should be directed at these “fans”.  Where were they during the dark days (Greg Robinson era)?  The 1-10 2005 Season—with that one win coming over Buffalo (oh sweet irony).  Were they at the Dome with their Perry Patterson jersey, cheering on their favorite team wondering where the hell the Dome Ranger is? (remember, in sickness and in health, yes, loving a sports team is like a marriage).  No.  Instead, you couldn’t give your tickets away fast enough, ashamed to even acknowledge the football team (“I really just watch basketball or (if you’re really hardcore) lacrosse”).  Now that you’ve had a little success, you come out of the woodwork with your (newly purchased) Orange football hoodie, and are somehow entitled to keeping your coach as long as you want him.

Point is:  coaches can be as fickle as their fans.  Don’t hate on Marrone because he took a better paying job, with more authority and control.  Granted, could the Buffalo Bills win the Pinstripe Bowl?  Debatable.  But remember the SU program he inherited:  they couldn’t win a goldfish at the County Fair (tossing that ping-pong ball in the bowl is pretty tough, btw) let alone a football game.

And him saying this was his “dream job” changes nothing.  Let.  It.  Go.  Does that somehow obligate him to a life long tenure?  Does he get to stay at his job regardless of how well or poor he does?  Of course not (he’s not a teacher).  You would gladly run him out of town if he didn’t perform to your expectations.

The local media, clearly not able to let the “dream job” thing go, raised this at his press conference in Buffalo, to which he responded:  “When I went in there and said it’s my dream job, I meant that. I really did.  I had the opportunity to restore that program.  That dream became a reality for me.  Now I’m moving forward with my next dream, which is to be an NFL coach.”  The Machine will gladly translate that for any SU fan still searching for answers:  “Dreams change, motherfucker.  I gave you four solid years, and built my resume…err, the program, to a respectable level.  Now this is my new dream job (until Jerry Jones calls in four years).”

The Machine says best of luck to Coach Marrone.  The Bills are an absolute mess, and they could definitely use your help (this is a not so subtle plug for you to hire The Machine as your draft scouts.  Guaranteed to deliver a solid class, certainly better than anything that’s been done in recent past (Aaron-fucking Maybin)).

Get over it SU fans.  Why he would trade one depressing Upstate New York city for another is a totally legitimate topic.  Claiming he lied to you is not.  Enjoy your teabag.

Wild Card – Day 2

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The Machine struck gold last night, going 2-0 with our Wild Card picks, gaining back some of the money Mrs. Machine blew on the holidays.  Now, we’re strapped in and ready to kick some more ass.  Yesterday’s games ended up being snoozers…the outcomes were decided by halftime.  Today’s games, however, will be much more interesting.  Good thing you got The Machine to help you dominate.

Indy at Baltimore (-7)

There’s a lot of history between these two franchises, none of it good.  That will lead to a lot of chipiness between the players (The Machine sets the over/under on personal fouls at 3).  Ray Lewis is back, just in time to right the ship of this defense that has gotten old quick.  He should provide a much needed emotional spark.  But will it be enough?  The Ravens are an interesting team:  can we all just admit that Joe Flacco is a Game Manager?  That’s not a bad thing, especially when you have Ray Rice in the backfield.  The Ravens finished 11th in the league in rushing, and they will have to rely on Ray Ray early and often if they want to win.  For some unexplained reason, the Ravens sometimes forget Ray’s their offensive engine.

For Indy, everything from here on out is gravy.  No one expected this team to compete, let alone make the playoffs.  Everyone expected Reggie Wayne to bolt in the offseason.  Instead, Reggie had a career year, posting an impressive 106/1355/5 stat sheet.  Andrew Luck is for real, setting a rookie record with 4,374 yards and 23 tds, good for 7th in the league in passing.  Running is still an issue.  Vick Ballard has proven useful, but will he be enough of a presence to force the Ravens to play the run?

This game is hard to predict…and The Machine thinks the odds makers are crazy making the Ravens a touchdown favorite (#easymoney).  In fact, The Machine thinks that Indy has enough moxy and motivation (see Chuck Pagano) to upset Baltimore.  You heard it here first.  Indy pulls out an upset thriller.

Indy 17, Baltimore 14

Seattle (-3) at Washington

The battle of rookie qbs.  Russell Wilson v. RGIII.  Make no mistake about it:  without these two rookies, neither team had a chance of making the playoffs, showing you just how special they are (and a rookie qb class that rivals 1983).

Everyone ripped Pete Carroll for drafting Wilson in the third round, after dropping some serious cash on Matt Flynn.  A wasted pick, many said.  Well Pete’s laughed all the way to the playoffs, as Russell has guided this team to an 11-5 record.  Beastmode has been consistent all season, racking up 1,560 yards, and the Seahawks are 3rd in the NFL in rushing.  The play of Russell and Beastmode has taken away attention from the Seattle D, which is in the top 10 against both the run (6th) and the pass (10th).

For Washington, RGIII has surpassed Obama as the most important man in D.C.  He has single-handedly changed the culture and attitude in D.C., which has had its share of awful football as of late.  Mike Shanahan has provided the stability in coaching that this team needs.  The Skins are unstoppable rushing the ball, leading the league in rushing at nearly 170 yards a game.  The one-two combo of RGII and fellow rookie Alfred Morris has proven gold.  A question remains about RGIII’s knee, and how effective he’ll be outside the pocket.  On defense, Washington’s 5th against the run but an abysmal 30th against the pass.  This will give Russell Wilson some opportunities to get the ball down the field.

Despite all the (well-deserved) hype about RGIII, there’s a reason Seattle’s a three point favorite on the road.  Pete Carroll will have some tricks up his sleeves, and The Machine (normally a biased east coast sports fan) likes the Seahawks to move on, although this will be close all the way, so how can you not go with Washington and the points?

Seattle 17, Washington 16

Wild Card Round 1

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It’s go time!!!  12 teams enter, 1 team leaves.  Who will that team be?  Well, we’re getting a little ahead of ourselves.  The important question is: who can we bet on to win today’s games?  Now you’re talking.  The Machine has the answers you need to get you through the playoffs.

Cincinnati at Houston (-4.5)

A rematch from last year’s wild card round, the Bengals march in to Houston to once again try to dethrone the Texans.  Last year, the stars were aligned for a Bengals victory:  Schaub was hurt, putting then rookie TJ Yates behind center.  However, Andy Dalton, our favorite football ginger (sorry Shayne Graham) threw three picks, and the Texans won easily 31 to10.

This game should be more competitive that last year.  The Bengals have quietly put together a solid 10-6 season, and Dalton may be the most under the radar QB in the league (proof that the NFL doesn’t want a ginger QB to succeed, right Rush?), throwing for 27 tds and nearly 3700 yards.  A.J. Green is a stud, and Jermaine Gresham provides a great safety valve.  On defense, the Bengals are also pretty complete.  Proving once again that character concerns are for pussies, the Bengals took a huge risk on Vontaze Burfict this year, but it paid off HUGE, as Vontaze led the team with 127 tackles and 0 arrests.  Shit, Pacman Jones didn’t get arrested this year, which makes The Machine wonder if the Bengals actually lock up their players on off days or shut down every strip club in Ohio.

However, despite all these positives, the Bengals are run in to a Texans squad that is healthy, hungry, and playing with a huge chip on their shoulders.  The playoffs are all about balance, and no team has better balance right now than the Houston Texans.  Schaub is healthy, and Foster and Andre Johnson need to introductions.  Andre Johnson had a monster year, and only got better as the season went on, averaging 10/130 over the past three games.  On defense, the Texans are legit, led by JJ Watt and his 20.5 sacks.  The Texans are well-balanced throughout their D, with Watt on the line, Cushing at LB, and Kareem Jackson at CB.

While the Bengals will put up a better fight than last year, they’re still a year away from making a serious playoff run.  The Texans, meanwhile, are ready to win now.  They run the best play-action in the game, so look for them to burn Cincy on a few long plays.  The Texans are just too much to handle, and Ginger Nation waits another year for a Ginger QB in the Super bowl (any chance Peyton can dye his hair?)

Texans 24, Cincinnati 17.

Minnesota at Green Bay (-7.5)

A rematch from last week, Minnesota and Green Bay play each other for the third time this year.  They split the regular season series, and the Vikings are getting no respect, coming in to Green Bay at more than a touchdown underdog.

That’s a lot, considering the Vikes have Adrian Peterson and his non-human knee.  AP has torched the Pack this year, averaging a ridiculous 204.5 yards per game.  AP alone will keep the Vikings in this game.  That’s good because, besides Peterson, the Vikes have a collection of overachievers and no names on offense.  Who thought Kyle Rudolph and Michael Jenkins would become receiving threats?  Percy Harvin has talent, but a #1 WR needs to put up more than 677 yards.  However, it all falls on Christian Ponder.  The Packers should put 11 in the box to stop AP.  If Ponder can get in a rhythm, it will force Green Bay to play a more balanced scheme, which will open up lines for AP.

Green Bay is perhaps the most unbalanced team in the playoffs, ranking 20th in the league in rushing and 9th in passing.  They have no running game and a Defense that gives up big plays.  Having said that, they also have Aaron Rodgers, and what they lack in balance they make up in explosiveness.  Rodgers loves playing the Viking, averaging 325.5 yards against the Vikings this year.  The Pack will need to rely on their passing game, because their running game is suspect at best, led by Alex Green and his 464 yards (0 tds).  Rodgers is second on the team in rushing with 259 yards (2 tds).  On defense, the Packers do just enough, ranking 11th in the league in passing and 17th in rushing.  This middle of the road defense won’t kill you, but it certainly won’t make game-changing plays.

Each team has their flaws, but the advantage goes to the Packers.  The home team won each game this year, and look for that to continue tonight.  This game will be close, but the nighttime crowd at Lambeau Field (note:  on The Machine’s bucket list) will give the Packers the energy they need to move on.  Take Minnesota with the points.

Green Bay 31, Minnesota 27.

**Update** 

Christian Ponder is not playing.  Instead, Joe Webb will be leading the charge.  Now, the Vikings deserve no respect.  Thus, disregard everything that’s written above:  the Pack easily win by double digits.

Happy 2013!!!

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The Machine has finally sobered up from one hell of New Year’s Eve bender…and we’re ready to ring in 2013 (suck it, Mayans)!

Get ready for more of what you love…more teabags, more sports, and, something that gives The Machine a raging hard on, the NFL Draft (113 days and counting)!!!