Category Archives: Tuesday Teabag

Tuesday Teabag, August 7

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Michael Jerome Irvin, all 6’-2”, 207 lbs. (or, as “The Playmaker” prefers, 94 kilos) come on down, you’re this weeks Teabag Award Winner!  Once you get past the incoherent drivel and nonsensical jawing, every time the ol’ playmaker opens his mouth a few doozies come rolling off the tongue.

Gem #1: Vince-who?!

Apparently the Boston Heralds Sport section was a little thin, so they gave Mike a call and kept the recorder rolling.  On the subject of the Super Bowl, Irvin opined, “Maaaan, if it was up to me, that trophy would be called the Lombardi-Belichick.  I don’t care what they think.  That’s how good he is to do what he’s doing in this day and age, what the league is now.”  Irvin is currently an analyst for the NFL Network (why?) so one would reason that he has access to all sorts of historical databases and statistical comparisons.  So he probably put that stellar University of Miami education to good use and did some research before making such a claim, right?!  Wrong!

Just for shits and giggles, The Machine took a closer look at the numbers. Vince Lombardi was 2-0 in Super Bowls and had a career 74% regular season win percentage; His Green Bay Packers also won 6 (pre-Super Bowl) NFL Championships.  He helped pioneer the NFL in the early days and is considered the benchmark for coaching excellence.    The Hoodie sports a 3-2 Super Bowl Record and a 64% regular season win percentage.  Oh, he was also caught cheating red-handed by the NFL in the Spygate Scandal and only escaped with relative ease because of a massive NFL cover-up (seriously, a formal complaint was made; evidence gathered; a ruling administered; evidence fully destroyed and a formal apology made in the span of 4 days!!).  It hardly seems fitting that these two be considered equals.  It’s the equivalent of renaming baseballs top pitching award to the Cy-Young- Mike Mussina Award.

The Machine certainly isn’t advocating a name change, but if we were going to add a second name to the hallow Lombardi Trophy we’d probably go with Chuck Knoll (4-0 Super Bowl record), or Bill Walsh (3-0), or Don Shula (2 Super Bowl wins, 1 NFL Championship, most NFL wins).  Hell, if part of Irvin’s criteria is coaching in the modern era (which in Irvin’s coke induced mind must be anytime after ’99) then why not Tom Coughlin (2-0, with both wins coming AGAINST Belichick)?!

Gem #2….88 as crazy as ever 

Michael Irvin, the former crazy #88 WR for the Dallas Cowboys recently spoke of his disappointment for the current crazy #88 WR for the Dallas Cowboys, Dez Bryant.  Dez’s rap sheet has been well documented here.  His latest stunt, a fore-arm shiver upside his mothers dome made Irvins “heart bleed”.  Are you sure that’s not just a residual from burning rocks, 88?  Anyways, Irvin told ESPN Dallas that, “this is uncharted waters. I like to speak out of my spirit on a lot of things, both the highs and the lows, the peaks and the valleys I’ve experienced,” Irvin said. “But this is out of the world for me. I’ve never laid my hands on any woman, let alone talk about the No. 1 woman in any man’s life, which should be his mother.”  See, technically Mike never did lay hands on a woman because he had Eric Williams pointing a gun to their head while he videotaped his deeds….allegedly.  Old Jerrah might want to get his dick out of his newly minted billion dollar glory hole and hire a team physiatrist; because Michael Irvin thinking you’ve gone too far is like the Uni-Bomber accusing someone of mail fraud.

Michael, we know that you’ve got 750 career receptions (which truthfully means that there were 750 blown offensive pass interference calls), but could you please just snort away the rest of your fortune in your own time?!

Tuesday Teabag, July 24th

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Larry Johnson did help The Machine win a fantasy championship, so it’s not all bad.

(note:  before reading, insert your Twister Sister Stay Hungry tape, Side A, Song 3, Burn in Hell).  Enjoy.

Sure, they may have taken a hundred wins from you, but congratulations Joe Pa, you’ve won your first Tuesday Teabag Award, posthumous!  Sure, The Machine generally frowns upon speaking badly about the dead (on the contrary, our Dick Clark celebrity death pool celebration may have been a bit over the top), but you sir deserve every piece of dribble and trash coming your way!  So, fuck you!  You gainfully employed a KNOWN pedophile and covered for the creep while he destroyed so many young lives, just so you could protect your bullshit football program!  Then you negotiated your golden parachute just as the scandal was breaking!  And the best you could give us was Todd Blackledge, Courtney Brown and Ki-Jana Carter?!  Thanks Joe!

The only thing more sickening than this whole story is the fact that NOTHING will actually change in the cultural fabric of college football.  Really, this travesty could have happened at any of the big college football programs:  Alabama, Florida, Ohio State, Notre Dame (oh wait, ND is a religious institution steeped in the Catholic faith, a sex scandal involving little boys….err); take your pick.  Big time college football equals big time money.  The greed and lust of these major universities is more important than morality, reasonability, education, and apparently even sexual crimes against children.  If Mark Emmert really wanted to drop the proverbal hammer he should have cancelled ALL NCAA Football for a year.  But he didn’t.  So instead we are left to pile on you, Joe Pa, and all of your bullshit supporters.  That includes you Lou Holtz.  You were well on your way to losing all credibility with your shitty ESPN College Gameday coverage.  Those “coaches’ corner” segments are brutal (seriously ESPN, just tell him the camera’s on, he won’t know the difference).  But with your recent comments that the penalty was too harsh, and the NCAA is destroying Joe Pa’s legacy, you stepped over the line old man.  You’re absolutely what everyone hates about college football right now:  protecting the coaching fraternity above all else.

But enough about Lou, let’s get back to the Machine’s first ever Tuesday Teabag winner.  Joe Pa, you built a 40+ year career preaching honor, discipline, and integrity.  How could you possibly live with yourself, and more importantly, why?  Simple:  money and ego.  The NCAA fined Penn St. $60 million, which sounds like a lot, until you realize that represents the ANNUAL revenue of the football program.  That’s all you need to know.  Joe Pa wouldn’t let anything ruin that cash cow, or tarnish his image or quest to be the all-time winningest coach.  Irony’s a bitch, huh?  Your name will always be associated with this scandal, and you will never regain your place as one of the greatest coaches of all time (sorry bro, but they don’t put statues back up after they’ve been torn down.  Just ask Saddam).  

And to State College, please stop wallowing in your ignorance; get your head out of your ass and show the rest of world that you won’t turn a blind eye to the facts, unlike Joe Pa.  The simple truth is no penalty could have been too harsh.  Burn in hell.