…because what’s one without the other, right Jerry?! The Machine has refrained from handing out this award to Jerry in the past.  God knows he could have racked up a handful of TT awards; be it his late game sideline pace, despicable draft selections, shameless self promotion or preseason cackling.  This crusty old dimwitted bastard deserves all the scorn and ill-will directed his way.  The only reason he hasn’t received this award is because we’d rather not feed the flame of his ego.  You know damn well that the guy with the biggest stadium, biggest jumbotron, biggest “personality” in sports, has the biggest trophy shelf.  And since the Cowboys haven’t won shit in the last decade, Jerrah will take any and every award he can get his oily little hands on.  So with great reluctance we present you this award, because we just can’t hold back any longer.

Pay attention kids, this is a story on how not to show brevity, honor, respect and leadership during a difficult situation.  On December 8^th, at 2 am (a mere 32 hours before kickoff of the Cowboys-Bengals game) after a heavy night of drinking, Josh Brent lost control of his vehicle, allegedly hitting a curb at high-speed causing his car to flip at least once.  His passenger, practice squad player and close friend Jerry Brown, died as a result of injuries sustained in the crash.  An eyewitness report claims that Josh Brent sat roadside, watching his flipped vehicle burn while cries of help from his trapped friend went unregistered.  Only after repeated and forceful pleas from the eyewitness did Josh pulled his friend from the burning wreckage before it was completely engulfed in flames.  It’s a horrific scene and all too frequent tragedy that claimed such a young (25) and promising life.

The Cowboys, undoubtedly playing with heavy hearts and cloudy minds, beat the Cincinnati Bengals on December 9^th.  In his post game press conference, “Head Coach” Jason Garrett spoke candidly and frank about the difficulties and emotions his team was battling.  He shared some of his memories of Jerry – what kind of player and person he was and what he meant to the team.  The Machine was rubbed the wrong way when Garrett found a way to slid in that his team “found a way to win”.  Coach, when one of your players dies on Saturday, it’s not about winning or losing on Sunday.  It’s not about football at all.  You could honor Jerry’s life just the same had you not beaten the god damn Cincinnati Bengals.  But in light of the situation we give you a free pass on that one.

But we sure as hell aren’t giving you a free pass for the debacle this past weekend.  Apparently, Josh Brent didn’t have anything better to do on a Sunday afternoon (well, the clubs weren’t open yet and church is for suckers) so doesn’t dear old Josh decide to show up to the Cowboys game…On. The. Sideline. WHAT?!  The only thing more despicable than Brent showing up is the fact that nobody stopped him!  Nobody.  Did not the guard at the front gate, or the kid stocking the nacho warmer, or an usher, or maybe like a fucking team executive, stop to think that maybe, just maybe it wouldn’t be such a great idea to let big ol’ Brent roam the facilities?!

After receiving the equivalent of a social media kick to the groin, the Cowboys brain trust went into full damage control.  Initially they reported that they had no idea that Brent was on the sidelines until pre-game warm-ups, at which point the impending game was too important than the 300 pound (alleged) felon who just killed a fellow teammate less than ten days prior.  Of course this claim was a boldface lie, as later reports indicate that dozens of players had talked with Brent and encouraged and supported him to join them at the game.  I’m willing to bet some of Jerry Jones monopoly money that he knew Brent was going to be at the game.  Hell, it wouldn’t surprise me one bit if Jones himself was the driving force behind the appearance.  Think about it.  You’re the Owner.  You have FULL and unyielding control of everything.  Everything!  If you want your coach to wear a wig and a clown nose, so be it.  Want to see a punt on second down, pick up the phone.  Want your son-in-law to clean your glasses for you because you can’t be bothered?  Your wish is your command.  Having Brent on the sideline was going generate press and show everyone that the Cowboys were a united team!

As public (negative) pressure mounted – the CBS crew absolutely crushed the Cowboys – Jerry and crew hatched what they considered a fool-proof cover.  At his Monday presser, Jerry’s favorite puppet explained that the Cowboys were simply following the wishes of the Jerry Brown’s mother, Stacey Jackson, who wanted the team to support Josh and keep him involved as much as possible.  Okay.  Our sympathies’ are with Ms. Jackson and all, but we aren’t buying this.  Not one bit.  You mean to tell me that a billion dollar corporation, financed largely by television revenue and the millions of weekly consumers tuning in, is going to let the mother of a deceased employee call the shots and dictate their policy?!  Sorry, but we call bullshit on that.  And we call bullshit to the fact that Jerry and his cronies are hiding behind the victim’s mother.  The whole thing stinks!   In fact, the stench must have been unbearable at JerryWorld, because today the Cowboys announced that Josh Brent will no longer be allowed at the facilities.  A day late, ‘boys.

RIP ‘Decal 53’…you deserve better.

This weeks’ Tuesday Teabag is up for grabs.  There’s currently a quarterback controversy brewing in Brokeback Mountain, as the 49ers decide between Alex “Game Manager” Smith and the young gun, Colin “Captain Hip” Kaepernick.  Who will win the starting job and (more importantly) who will win the Tuesday Teabag?  Let’s just say tensions are running high in San Francisco.  The Machine was able to get this exclusive audio (transcribed below) from Tuesday morning’s quarterback meeting.  Read on.

Put me in coach

A. Smith: [sipping bottled water] Ok Coach, just finished watching the game tape on New Orleans.  Doc’s cleared me to play, my head feels good, and I’m ready to go.  Can’t wait to get back out there.  Just one question:  how come I haven’t received the playbook yet?  I’m guessing it got misplaced.  No big deal, I can get it from you now.

**door flies open**

Hey laaaadies!

C. Kaepernick: C-Kap is in the house biotch! HOLLA! [slams Redbull] What’s poppin’ coach?! Yo, Andy, what hurt more: the head shot that knocked your silly ass out last week or losing your job this week?! You’ll be needing this [hands Alex a clipboard].

Ball so hard baby, that’s the name of the game!  70% completion percentage and 2 TDs against the best defense in the league not named the 49ers.  When is the last time you completed 70% of your passes Mr. 59% career passer rating?  The scary part is that I didn’t even run, which might be an even bigger asset than my cannon arm.  Hell, coach didn’t scale back the gameplan, in fact they expanded the playbook to include more deep balls.  You’re limited brah, plain and simple.  Let’s face it, Harbaugh inherited you when he was hired; they targeted me and traded 3 draft picks to move up and get me.  The future is now!  As in crushing the Bears, now!  As in doin’ my thang against the Saints, now!  As in leading this team to the Superbowl, now!  You had you chance last year and we know how that turned out, EPIC FAIL!

Don’t worry brah, you’ve always got that “first pick in the draft” and that “one win against the Saints” to hang your hat on.

A. Smith:  You can’t be serious?  You win one game, and all of a sudden you’re Joe Fucking Montana?  That’s adorable.  And stop talking like some skater punk…you know you were born in Milwaukee, right BRO!

What you young kids don’t appreciate is respect for the game.  The 49ers have a long and storied history of quarterback greatness.  Guess who holds the record for fewest ints in a season, most 4^th quarter comebacks in a season, and most consecutive pass attempts without an interception?  ALEX SMITH!!!  And I did all that shit last year, while leading the niners to a 13-3 record and within seconds of the Superbowl.  Epic fail my ass…take that bullshit to Kyle “how the fuck is he still on this team” Williams.  I did my job.

And now it’s time for you to do your job as my backup.  And let me let you in on a little secret.  You’ll never make it in this league as a starter.  You’re a poor man’s Kordell Stewart.  So you can run, too?  Wow…that’s impressive.  But you know what you young, immature, me first, disrespectful “new school” players don’t get?  Your success is as long as your attention span.  Defenses catch up to you quicker than your inevitable child support payments.  How’s Tebow doing this year?  Or how about Cam Newton?

You’re a one hit wonder.  You’re the Macarena.  Soon people will realize you’re actually dumber than those tattoos make you look.  So take your iPod, your love of the X-games and Twitter, and step aside.

C. Kaepernick: Andy, Andy, Andy, calm down.  No need for a ‘get off my lawn’ moment, old man.  BTW, you ain’t no where near reaching your pre-concussion ‘baseline’ if you think you’re part of the 49ers “storied history of quarterbacks.”  Paaalease!  The only reason you had any kind of success last year was because Coach Harbaugh was able to squeeze every last ounce humanly possible from you.  BTW, we wouldn’t be having this conversation if the niners didn’t fuck up and draft Rodgers instead of your broke ass; or even if Coach landed that even older QB that went to Denver.

Sure, some old school loser coach like Norval would probably trot your noodle arm out there while banging on the “you can’t lose your job from an injury” drum.  But hello, our coach is a fucking maniac and doesn’t give a shit about anything or anyone!  He knows this golden arm [flexs] is his meal ticket to the big dance.  The question isn’t who the starter is; the real question is on what team and whom are you going to be backing up next year?

Welcome to the Kaepernick Era!  I like the sounds of that; that will make some good ink!  Are we done here, I’ve got a Black Ops mission on pause.  Peace!!

A. Smith [doing the Macarena]:  I can’t believe I have to go through this shit again.  First, Shaun Hill tried to start a quarterback controversy in ’09.  How’s he doing this year, btw?  What UFL team is he playing for?  Then, Peyton Manning.  Now you?  And Aaron Rodgers, you mean the Aaron Rodgers I schooled in Week 1 this year (211/2/0).  Discount Double-check, bitch.  Point is, me and my newly signed $24 million contract aren’t going anywhere.  HEEEEYYY, MACARENA!!!

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Well, there you have it!!  It doesn’t get anymore exclusive than that!  So how do you handicap this horse race? We’ll put this Teabag Award on hold (in a remote, secure location) until this plays itself out!  Stay tuned.