This weeks’ Tuesday Teabag is up for grabs.  There’s currently a quarterback controversy brewing in Brokeback Mountain, as the 49ers decide between Alex “Game Manager” Smith and the young gun, Colin “Captain Hip” Kaepernick.  Who will win the starting job and (more importantly) who will win the Tuesday Teabag?  Let’s just say tensions are running high in San Francisco.  The Machine was able to get this exclusive audio (transcribed below) from Tuesday morning’s quarterback meeting.  Read on.

Put me in coach

A. Smith: [sipping bottled water] Ok Coach, just finished watching the game tape on New Orleans.  Doc’s cleared me to play, my head feels good, and I’m ready to go.  Can’t wait to get back out there.  Just one question:  how come I haven’t received the playbook yet?  I’m guessing it got misplaced.  No big deal, I can get it from you now.

**door flies open**

Hey laaaadies!

C. Kaepernick: C-Kap is in the house biotch! HOLLA! [slams Redbull] What’s poppin’ coach?! Yo, Andy, what hurt more: the head shot that knocked your silly ass out last week or losing your job this week?! You’ll be needing this [hands Alex a clipboard].

Ball so hard baby, that’s the name of the game!  70% completion percentage and 2 TDs against the best defense in the league not named the 49ers.  When is the last time you completed 70% of your passes Mr. 59% career passer rating?  The scary part is that I didn’t even run, which might be an even bigger asset than my cannon arm.  Hell, coach didn’t scale back the gameplan, in fact they expanded the playbook to include more deep balls.  You’re limited brah, plain and simple.  Let’s face it, Harbaugh inherited you when he was hired; they targeted me and traded 3 draft picks to move up and get me.  The future is now!  As in crushing the Bears, now!  As in doin’ my thang against the Saints, now!  As in leading this team to the Superbowl, now!  You had you chance last year and we know how that turned out, EPIC FAIL!

Don’t worry brah, you’ve always got that “first pick in the draft” and that “one win against the Saints” to hang your hat on.

A. Smith:  You can’t be serious?  You win one game, and all of a sudden you’re Joe Fucking Montana?  That’s adorable.  And stop talking like some skater punk…you know you were born in Milwaukee, right BRO!

What you young kids don’t appreciate is respect for the game.  The 49ers have a long and storied history of quarterback greatness.  Guess who holds the record for fewest ints in a season, most 4^th quarter comebacks in a season, and most consecutive pass attempts without an interception?  ALEX SMITH!!!  And I did all that shit last year, while leading the niners to a 13-3 record and within seconds of the Superbowl.  Epic fail my ass…take that bullshit to Kyle “how the fuck is he still on this team” Williams.  I did my job.

And now it’s time for you to do your job as my backup.  And let me let you in on a little secret.  You’ll never make it in this league as a starter.  You’re a poor man’s Kordell Stewart.  So you can run, too?  Wow…that’s impressive.  But you know what you young, immature, me first, disrespectful “new school” players don’t get?  Your success is as long as your attention span.  Defenses catch up to you quicker than your inevitable child support payments.  How’s Tebow doing this year?  Or how about Cam Newton?

You’re a one hit wonder.  You’re the Macarena.  Soon people will realize you’re actually dumber than those tattoos make you look.  So take your iPod, your love of the X-games and Twitter, and step aside.

C. Kaepernick: Andy, Andy, Andy, calm down.  No need for a ‘get off my lawn’ moment, old man.  BTW, you ain’t no where near reaching your pre-concussion ‘baseline’ if you think you’re part of the 49ers “storied history of quarterbacks.”  Paaalease!  The only reason you had any kind of success last year was because Coach Harbaugh was able to squeeze every last ounce humanly possible from you.  BTW, we wouldn’t be having this conversation if the niners didn’t fuck up and draft Rodgers instead of your broke ass; or even if Coach landed that even older QB that went to Denver.

Sure, some old school loser coach like Norval would probably trot your noodle arm out there while banging on the “you can’t lose your job from an injury” drum.  But hello, our coach is a fucking maniac and doesn’t give a shit about anything or anyone!  He knows this golden arm [flexs] is his meal ticket to the big dance.  The question isn’t who the starter is; the real question is on what team and whom are you going to be backing up next year?

Welcome to the Kaepernick Era!  I like the sounds of that; that will make some good ink!  Are we done here, I’ve got a Black Ops mission on pause.  Peace!!

A. Smith [doing the Macarena]:  I can’t believe I have to go through this shit again.  First, Shaun Hill tried to start a quarterback controversy in ’09.  How’s he doing this year, btw?  What UFL team is he playing for?  Then, Peyton Manning.  Now you?  And Aaron Rodgers, you mean the Aaron Rodgers I schooled in Week 1 this year (211/2/0).  Discount Double-check, bitch.  Point is, me and my newly signed $24 million contract aren’t going anywhere.  HEEEEYYY, MACARENA!!!

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Well, there you have it!!  It doesn’t get anymore exclusive than that!  So how do you handicap this horse race? We’ll put this Teabag Award on hold (in a remote, secure location) until this plays itself out!  Stay tuned.

Michael Jerome Irvin, all 6’-2”, 207 lbs. (or, as “The Playmaker” prefers, 94 kilos) come on down, you’re this weeks Teabag Award Winner!  Once you get past the incoherent drivel and nonsensical jawing, every time the ol’ playmaker opens his mouth a few doozies come rolling off the tongue.

Gem #1: Vince-who?!

Apparently the Boston Heralds Sport section was a little thin, so they gave Mike a call and kept the recorder rolling.  On the subject of the Super Bowl, Irvin opined, “Maaaan, if it was up to me, that trophy would be called the Lombardi-Belichick.  I don’t care what they think.  That’s how good he is to do what he’s doing in this day and age, what the league is now.”  Irvin is currently an analyst for the NFL Network (why?) so one would reason that he has access to all sorts of historical databases and statistical comparisons.  So he probably put that stellar University of Miami education to good use and did some research before making such a claim, right?!  Wrong!

Just for shits and giggles, The Machine took a closer look at the numbers. Vince Lombardi was 2-0 in Super Bowls and had a career 74% regular season win percentage; His Green Bay Packers also won 6 (pre-Super Bowl) NFL Championships.  He helped pioneer the NFL in the early days and is considered the benchmark for coaching excellence.    The Hoodie sports a 3-2 Super Bowl Record and a 64% regular season win percentage.  Oh, he was also caught cheating red-handed by the NFL in the Spygate Scandal and only escaped with relative ease because of a massive NFL cover-up (seriously, a formal complaint was made; evidence gathered; a ruling administered; evidence fully destroyed and a formal apology made in the span of 4 days!!).  It hardly seems fitting that these two be considered equals.  It’s the equivalent of renaming baseballs top pitching award to the Cy-Young- Mike Mussina Award.

The Machine certainly isn’t advocating a name change, but if we were going to add a second name to the hallow Lombardi Trophy we’d probably go with Chuck Knoll (4-0 Super Bowl record), or Bill Walsh (3-0), or Don Shula (2 Super Bowl wins, 1 NFL Championship, most NFL wins).  Hell, if part of Irvin’s criteria is coaching in the modern era (which in Irvin’s coke induced mind must be anytime after ’99) then why not Tom Coughlin (2-0, with both wins coming AGAINST Belichick)?!

Gem #2….88 as crazy as ever 

Michael Irvin, the former crazy #88 WR for the Dallas Cowboys recently spoke of his disappointment for the current crazy #88 WR for the Dallas Cowboys, Dez Bryant.  Dez’s rap sheet has been well documented here.  His latest stunt, a fore-arm shiver upside his mothers dome made Irvins “heart bleed”.  Are you sure that’s not just a residual from burning rocks, 88?  Anyways, Irvin told ESPN Dallas that, “this is uncharted waters. I like to speak out of my spirit on a lot of things, both the highs and the lows, the peaks and the valleys I’ve experienced,” Irvin said. “But this is out of the world for me. I’ve never laid my hands on any woman, let alone talk about the No. 1 woman in any man’s life, which should be his mother.”  See, technically Mike never did lay hands on a woman because he had Eric Williams pointing a gun to their head while he videotaped his deeds….allegedly.  Old Jerrah might want to get his dick out of his newly minted billion dollar glory hole and hire a team physiatrist; because Michael Irvin thinking you’ve gone too far is like the Uni-Bomber accusing someone of mail fraud.

Michael, we know that you’ve got 750 career receptions (which truthfully means that there were 750 blown offensive pass interference calls), but could you please just snort away the rest of your fortune in your own time?!