Author Archives: RoidRage

Tuesday Teabag, September 25

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As much as we’d love to carve the name ‘John Abraham’ into a freshly lacquered Tuesday Teabag Award for his double obstruction dandy last night, we can no longer endorse the 4 million pound gorilla hanging from our flat screen TV every Sunday, Monday and Thursday: The Replacement Referee’s.  These guys have run away, in Usian Bolt fashion, with the title of biggest idiots on TV; which is no small task considering the field includes ESPN’s First Takers, the Kardashian trainwreck, and The Peoples Court participants! 

Listen guys, we had your back, we really did.  It was but two weeks ago that we carpet bombed the NFL announcers for their relentless critique of every call/non-call.  And while the games didn’t have the same flow to them, by and large they were tolerable.  We can live with the ball being miss-spotted occasionally; or with defensive backs mugging receivers beyond 5 yards; or coaches getting extra timeouts and replay reviews; or a few unnoticed chop blocks; or receivers and quarterbacks getting their heads taken off without a flag.  Hell, it’s kind of like watching a game from the 70’s.  BUT we have to draw the line with last night’s game-deciding “simultaneous possession” horseshit!  What are you jackasses looking at?!  Okay, Golden Tate’s pass interference was overtly blatant, but I can see swallowing the whistle on that.  But how the hell can you tell me Jennings didn’t cleanly intercept that ball only to have Golden Taint throw an arm around him after he was down?! Get up off your knees, you guys blew this game.  Maybe this gig wasn’t all you thought it was be cracked up to be and you gave yourself an out.  Or maybe you just really are in over your heads and this was bound to happen and will continue to happen as long as you’re on the field. 

Bottom line, we need to go back to hating on the regular referees as soon as possible.  Roger, I know there are few things in life as thrilling and satisfying as crushing a union, but these ass clowns are turning the shield into a California dumpster fire.  End the insanity!  Until then, we can’t promise that these dickholes won’t win multiple Teabag Awards.

 

Tuesday Teabag, September 18: Coughlin or Schiano?

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A weird thing happened to The Machine this weekend.  As The Machine held its weekly meeting at the Golden Clam, it discussed candidates for this week’s Tuesday Teabag.  Surrounded by bad techno and serious daddy issues, The Machine discussed the end of the Giants/Bucs game, and agreed the Teabag winner was there.  However, for the first time ever, The Machine was at odds with itself.  Ginger King felt that Greg Schiano was the clear douche bag, while Roid Rage felt that Tom Coughlin should take the crown.  A debate ensued which resulted in no resolution.  So, The Machine left the Clam a few dollars short and with a little less self-respect (but surprisingly feeling better about itself) and decided to take this argument to you, our loyal fans.  Enjoy.

Roid Rage:

Hey Tommy C., slide over those two Super Bowl trophies to make room for your newest piece of hardware, the Tuesday Teabag Award!  Thanks for the get-off-my-lawn moment this weekend old man; new school football is here to take names and kick ass.  Actually, this really isn’t a new approach at all; every coach on every level of every sport preaches hard, clean play until the game is over.  Hell Coach, you’ve got a sign in the Giants training facility that reads: “Play for 60 minutes”, not “Play for 59:55 minutes”, not “Play until the other team is going to kneel the ball”. Play. For. 60. Minutes. 

Tampa Bay, down by only ONE score, with 5 seconds left and the ball on their own 30 yard line, countered the Giants “victory formation” by lining up in what appeared to be a goal-line defense.  It was as clear as day that they were going to fire off the line in the hopes of causing a fumble, recovering said fumble and thereby giving themselves a shot at the endzone.  You can’t play the injury card in this case;Tampa’s defensive ailment indicated they were bringing the house; if the Giant offensive linemen weren’t ready that is on them (and the coaching staff).  In fact, Schiano has had a degree of success with this very play; recovering 4 fumbles during his tenure atRutgers.  Had the Bucs been successful he’d be considered a genius.  And if this play even has a success rate of 1% why wouldn’t you give it a try?! 

The forward pass. The flea-flicker. The fake punt. And now the Victory Formation Mad Dog Blitz!  Mr. Schiano, I commend your forward thinking approach! 

Ginger King:

Listen up.  Tom Coughlin (Coach Coughlin or sir to you) may be 20 years his senior, but there’s no doubt he’d whup the shit out of Greg Schiano…and then run a marathon and drink raw eggs and motor oil.  Remember when the G-Men won the Super Bowl in 2007, the NFC Championship Game in Green Bay.  Minus 24 with the wind chill, NFL players (the toughest men in sports) bundled up from head to toe.  What did Coach Coughlin have covering his face?  Nothing.  Nada.  Why?  Because covering up’s for pussies.  Tom Coughlin is the Chuck Norris of NFL Coaches.  Which reminds me, there once was a street named after Tom Coughlin, but it was quickly changed because nobody crosses Tom Coughlin and lives.

That includes you Greg Schiano.  Look, I get it.  Is there an actual rule that says you can’t dial up an all out blitz when the game is clearly over?  No, of course not.  But that doesn’t mean it’s not a dick thing to do.  In fact, it’s probably the most shameless, pathetic, low life move you could do.  And to sit there and try to defend it after a night’s sleep makes it even worse.

Make no mistake about it.  The.  Game.  Was.  Over.  The Giants, because they are a classy organization, lined up in Victory Formation (something Tampa isn’t used to doing so I can understand your confusion).  Take the loss like a man and go home.  Instead, you pull a classless move that had 0, yes 0, chance of success.  You say you had success with that atRutgers???  First, were any of those situations similar to Sunday and did they result in you winning the game (don’t bother looking up the answer…it’s no).  Second, you’re not playing Syracuse anymore.  You’re in the big leagues.  Act like you belong there.

Just like running up the score and bunting to break up a no hitter, the Bitch Blitz should be added to the list of dick moves in sports.  And if you still disagree with Coach Coughlin, please meet him in the parking lot at 5:00 (actually 4:55 if you want to be on time).  He’ll be sure to change your mind the old fashioned way. 

Enjoy the Teabag award.  It’s the only thing you’re going to win inTampa. 

Roid Rage:

I do believe the confusion is on your end.  First, you must be confusing Greg Schiano with a coach that gives a fuck about your “right way” approach.  Second, you must be confusing Mr. Schiano with some pussy ass coach that couldn’t fight his way out of a wet paper bag (I’m looking at you Philbin!).  Schiano is the Ed Hochuli of head coaches! Hulk Hogan is jealous of Schaino’s pythons!  Coach C can’t even keep his offensive linemen from fucking his daughter; you think old red face would be able to man up against the New Jersey Bulldog?! Please!

Moving along.  Do you know what sucks about baseball (other than Bud Selig)?  The unwritten rules. Oh, you can’t steal third base in the 7th inning if they just switched pitchers and the wind is blowing out to left field and your clean-up hitter is batting over .300 in the series.  What?!?  I watch football because there are no unwritten rules.  Line your ass up, play until the whistle blows and never give up.  Black and white.  No reason to throw a hissy fit because your million dollar Citzen Eco watch model fell on his ass! 

Lean your head back, open wide, insert teabag!

Ginger King:

Perhaps using a baseball analogy was, like Mitt Romney’s 47% speech, not elegantly stated.  Let me try again.  Have you ever seen this done in the NFL before?  Answer:  no.  Case closed.  And believe me, there is no shortage of d-bag head coaches in the NFL’s storied history (Bill Belichick, Rex Ryan, Steve Spurrier (hard to believe he was an NFL coach), any coach of the Cowboys or Raiders).  None of these ass clowns tried to pull a move like Schiano.  The only thing similar is back in 2010 when Sal Alosi, the Jets strength and conditioning coach, tripped a Miami Dolphin during a punt return.  Universally, that was regarded as a cheapshot.  Illegal?  No sir.  If you watch the replay, he was behind the white line, so technically he did not violate a rule.  However, what happened to our dear friend Sal?  He was suspended for the rest of the season for his classless, unsportsmanlike act.

Here, this is worse.  It’s not some meathead strength coach…it’s the head coach.  You’re the guy that’s supposed to be above all the petty, low brow, cheapshots.  You’re supposed to instill discipline, not encourage reckless behavior.  How can you teach a bunch of men respect when you yourself have none?

And you think being from Jersey scares Tom Coughlin?  Tom Coughlin doesn’t flush a toilet, he scares the shit out of it!  Ghosts sit around a campfire and tell Tom Coughlin stories. 

Open up and say ah, here comes your teabag!

 

And there you have it folks.  So, who deserves the Tuesday Teabag Award?!  Since we’re already covered in glitter and not getting anywhere with this debate, we’re heading back to The Clam to “clear our minds!”

 

Happy Opening Kickoff Day!

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The Machine hasn’t been this excited since Draft Weekend!  Tonight’s game is a microcosm of the 2012 season; it’s chock-full of storylines, drama, hope, rivalry, despair and Tony Romo!  Here are some random thoughts that are keeping us from getting any kind of actual work done today:

  • The replacement referees certainly have taken a beating during the preseason and rightfully so.  But just how bad are they really?  If you didn’t know they were ‘replacement’ referees would you be placing every call under a microscope?  Less we forget the real referees make terrible, game altering calls on a regular basis too.  These replacements aren’t immune to the scrutiny and media blood bath.  The last thing they want to be is Thursday morning’s headline.  Our prediction: they swallow the whistle for the last 4 minutes and let the players play.
  • We like David Wilson’s chances of scoring a touchdown fumbling in this one.  This kid is electric a fumbler.
  • Jason Spleen won’t suit up for this one.  In fact we don’t like his chances for Week 2.  In fact, if at all possible try to move him in your fantasy league; we just don’t see him finishing in the top-15 this year.
  • Vegas has it Giants -3.5.  That sounds about right.  There are a lot of people out there claiming the Cowboys will win because the Giants don’t play their best football until their back is against the wall; evident by 3-1 record down the stretch last year to finish at 9-7 and their subsequent Super Bowl run.  The Machine doesn’t buy it.  While the G-men certainly embrace the ‘must-win’ edge, this veteran group will have no troubles getting up for the season opener against Jerry’s Boys.
  • The real battle to watch is in the trenches.  Can the Cowboys offensive line open holes to get De Murray going early?  Can they give Romo time to throw against the best pass rush in football?
  • JPP O/U 1.5 sacks.  OVER
  • Prediction: Giants 27 Cowboys 23

Tuesday Teabag, August 7

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Michael Jerome Irvin, all 6’-2”, 207 lbs. (or, as “The Playmaker” prefers, 94 kilos) come on down, you’re this weeks Teabag Award Winner!  Once you get past the incoherent drivel and nonsensical jawing, every time the ol’ playmaker opens his mouth a few doozies come rolling off the tongue.

Gem #1: Vince-who?!

Apparently the Boston Heralds Sport section was a little thin, so they gave Mike a call and kept the recorder rolling.  On the subject of the Super Bowl, Irvin opined, “Maaaan, if it was up to me, that trophy would be called the Lombardi-Belichick.  I don’t care what they think.  That’s how good he is to do what he’s doing in this day and age, what the league is now.”  Irvin is currently an analyst for the NFL Network (why?) so one would reason that he has access to all sorts of historical databases and statistical comparisons.  So he probably put that stellar University of Miami education to good use and did some research before making such a claim, right?!  Wrong!

Just for shits and giggles, The Machine took a closer look at the numbers. Vince Lombardi was 2-0 in Super Bowls and had a career 74% regular season win percentage; His Green Bay Packers also won 6 (pre-Super Bowl) NFL Championships.  He helped pioneer the NFL in the early days and is considered the benchmark for coaching excellence.    The Hoodie sports a 3-2 Super Bowl Record and a 64% regular season win percentage.  Oh, he was also caught cheating red-handed by the NFL in the Spygate Scandal and only escaped with relative ease because of a massive NFL cover-up (seriously, a formal complaint was made; evidence gathered; a ruling administered; evidence fully destroyed and a formal apology made in the span of 4 days!!).  It hardly seems fitting that these two be considered equals.  It’s the equivalent of renaming baseballs top pitching award to the Cy-Young- Mike Mussina Award.

The Machine certainly isn’t advocating a name change, but if we were going to add a second name to the hallow Lombardi Trophy we’d probably go with Chuck Knoll (4-0 Super Bowl record), or Bill Walsh (3-0), or Don Shula (2 Super Bowl wins, 1 NFL Championship, most NFL wins).  Hell, if part of Irvin’s criteria is coaching in the modern era (which in Irvin’s coke induced mind must be anytime after ’99) then why not Tom Coughlin (2-0, with both wins coming AGAINST Belichick)?!

Gem #2….88 as crazy as ever 

Michael Irvin, the former crazy #88 WR for the Dallas Cowboys recently spoke of his disappointment for the current crazy #88 WR for the Dallas Cowboys, Dez Bryant.  Dez’s rap sheet has been well documented here.  His latest stunt, a fore-arm shiver upside his mothers dome made Irvins “heart bleed”.  Are you sure that’s not just a residual from burning rocks, 88?  Anyways, Irvin told ESPN Dallas that, “this is uncharted waters. I like to speak out of my spirit on a lot of things, both the highs and the lows, the peaks and the valleys I’ve experienced,” Irvin said. “But this is out of the world for me. I’ve never laid my hands on any woman, let alone talk about the No. 1 woman in any man’s life, which should be his mother.”  See, technically Mike never did lay hands on a woman because he had Eric Williams pointing a gun to their head while he videotaped his deeds….allegedly.  Old Jerrah might want to get his dick out of his newly minted billion dollar glory hole and hire a team physiatrist; because Michael Irvin thinking you’ve gone too far is like the Uni-Bomber accusing someone of mail fraud.

Michael, we know that you’ve got 750 career receptions (which truthfully means that there were 750 blown offensive pass interference calls), but could you please just snort away the rest of your fortune in your own time?!

2012 Top 10 Fantasy DEFs

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Not sure about you, but this over saturation of synchronized diving, ballet dancing and gymnastics has the Machine just itching for some football.  We’d take Pro-Bowl effort football at this point.  (Side note: The Machine confused the frolicking, spinning, and overall concerted effort that the synchronized divers put into getting from the pool to the hot tub as ballet dancing.  Is this the Summer Olympics or a bad episode of ‘Blind Date’)?  Anyways, our final ‘Top 10’ fantasy ranking is Defense. You know, D-[insert picture of picket fence here].  We’ll be updating the lists as training camps, preseason and Bryant Family BBQ’s wrap up this summer.

Defenses certainly don’t win fantasy championships.  Last year, the difference between the #1 (Chicago) and #10 (Philly) defense was 31 points, just under 2 points a week.  However, the difference between Philly and #20 (Dallas) was another 24 points.  You definitely want to identify the top 6 or 7 fantasy defenses and get one of them as late in the draft as possible.  It’s also worth pointing out that a fantasy defense hasn’t repeated at the number one overall spot in a decade.  A number of factors contribute to this trend: first, significant fantasy scoring stats such as fumbles (recovered), interceptions and special team touchdowns are as reliable as the transmission in a ’91 Dodge Daytona.  Secondly, the current rules of the NFL have all but abolished the days of the ‘dominate’ defense.  The Machines approach to evaluating defenses is simple:  give us a defense that can consistently put pressure on the opposing teams quarterback.  This yields the most potential for sacks and mistakes (ie interceptions, fumbles, etc.).  With that in mind we present the Top 10 Fantasy Defenses for 2012:

  1. San Francisco – Feeding off of Patrick Willis’s intensity, this defense brings the lumber every game.  Aldon Smith is a pass-rushing phenom.  This defense finished 4th last year while only scoring 1 TD! If a few more balls bounce their way look out.
  1. New York Giants – The G-men boast the deepest, most talented defensive line in football, just ask Tom Brady.  JPP has the chance to win multiple defensive MVP awards if he stays healthy.
  1. Green Bay Packers – This defense will get plenty off opportunities to pin their ears back and rush the passer.  Their first six selections in the draft were defensive players; Nick Perry and Jerel Worthy should be able to contribute right away.  Their secondary has a few playmakers that are willing to gamble for the big payoff.  It looks like a great year to buy into the GB DEF.
  1. Philadelphia Eagles – They added some nice pieces via free agency, trades and the draft.  Their defensive line is dynamic, if not undersized, and built to attack the quarterback.  At this point the only thing this defense is missing is a legitimate coordinator.  While we have zero faith in Castillo, even he’d be hard pressed not to have success with this defense…(again)
  1. Chicago Bears – Da Bears!  Their defense always seems to translate well into the fantasy realm.  They seem to have the uncanny ability to turn turnovers into touchdowns.  Oh, and it doesn’t hurt to have the best punter returner in history.
  1. Buffalo Bills – We’re drinking the Kool-Aid that this defensive line is going to wreak havoc.  It’s been quite a long time since the Bills were known for getting after the QB, so this could be a very fun group to watch.  They also have some young and talented secondary players in Bryd, A. Williams and rookie S. Gilmore (who will challenge Revis for the best corner in the conference within two years!)
  1. Houston Texans – Wade Phillips’ defenses are tried and true.  They generate sacks and interceptions.  Even with some big time free agency departures they have a talented front-seven.
  1. Detroit Lions – This defense will stomp on your face, literally.  While The Machine is nervous that the Lions might not be able to field an entire squad at their current arrest rate, what has us even more uneasy is the fact that they scored 7 DTDs last year.  We don’t like their chances of hitting that number again this year.
  1. Baltimore Ravens – Oh how the mighty have fallen.  It’s hard to back a team with so many aging veterans (R. Lewis, E. Reed) and that lost their best (player) pass-rusher in T. Sizzle Suggs.  We’d rather be a year too early jumping off this wagon than a year too late.
  1. Seattle Seahawks – Here is a defense that flies under the radar.  They finished 6th overall last year (8.3 fpt/gm).  Sure, it helps when you play six games against Sam Bradford/Kevin Kolb/Alex Smith, but this defense deserves some credit.  They did everything well and have an under rated secondary.  Earl Thomas is one of the best young safeties in the league.

You can’t kill the Metal!

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The Machine has already explained our disgust (here) with NBC and IOC for whoring out their “primetime” timeslots to their corporate pimps instead of protecting the glory of live sports.  And all for what?!  So far it’s been pretty hit or miss with the advertisements.  The P&G “Best Job” spot makes us thrown up in our mouths every time; whereas the Cadillac ATS commercial with those two douchebags bombing around back roads the world over makes us want to, well, buy a Cadallic and be d-bags.  We’ve gotten the usual McDonald’s and Coca-Cola non-sense (how many of these Olympians not named Michael Phelps are slamming Big Macs and 44 oz Cokes?!)  And speaking of Phelps, Visa might want to do themselves a favor and pull those “lightning strikes twice” ads.  Not going to happen. #TeamLochte!  We’ve got to give props to Sears of all companies, (yeah, we didn’t know they were still in business either) for producing a funny ad with two beach frolickers that run into a fridge.  Not bad.  But the ad that takes down the ‘Gold’ is none other than Nike’s “Find Your Greatness”.  Nike scores big without using any of their million-dollar spokesmen (how often does that happen?)!  So much to love about this commercial though:   the muslin women’s soccer team; the pogo stick front flip; the little dude at the end fighting with himself before he finally takes the plunge off the high dive platform.  But the icing on the cake of this commercial is the Beastmode-esque stiff-arm at the 00:14 mark.  Boom!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_hEzW1WRFTg

2012 Top 10 Fantasy WRs

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None of the positional group rankings have as clear-cut, unanimous number one as the wide receivers; enter Calvin Johnson.  MegaTron brought his talents to Mo’Town to the tune of 1600+ yards and 16 TDs (MVP type numbers for a WR) and many, many fantasy championships last year.  After MegaTron however it gets really interesting.  In both the real world and fantasyland, wide receivers are the most volatile skill position in the league.  Their success, as much as any position, is tied to a number of factors: offensive scheme, game-plan, quarterback, offensive line protection, etc.  Not only that, with the increasing number of 4 and 5 WR sets, more and more WRs are contributing (and becoming fantasy relevant).  Fortunately for you, The Machine is here to make sense of it all and tell you who will be the Top 10 WRs for 2012.  Getcha popcorn ready! (Rec/Yards/Rec TDs/Targets)

  1. Calvin Johnson (96/1681/16/157) – The easiest positional player to rank in 2012; Megatron has established himself as the most dominate wide-receiver in football.  You can’t play up on him because he’s so physically strong he’ll run through you.  You can’t play off of him because he’ll run right by you.   He is a deep-threat and an absolute BEAST in the redzone. Your only chance is to roll coverage to his side of the field or assign two DBs to him.  And even then he can out-run, out-muscle, out-jump and outreach (82” wingspan) your coverage.  A signature Calvin Johnson play was Week 4 vs. Dallas. Early in the 4th quarter, with the Lions down by 14, on a 1st-and-10 from the Cowboys 24 yard line, Stafford throws a “jump ball” to the back of the end zone and with a safety draped all over him, ‘Tron out jumps a corner and an underneath linebacker for a TD.  Simply incredible.  Not only that, Megatron saved some of his best work for the playoff push, averaging 26+ fantasy points (non-ppr) from weeks 14-17.  Unless a team shows up with Optimus Prime as the defensive coordinator, there is no stopping Megatron. (Sorry, that will be The Machines only corny Transformers joke when it comes to Calvin, promise).
  1. Andre Johnson (33/492/2/51) – God willing, ‘Dre will be on every single one of The Machines fantasy rosters this year.  He is an absolute match-up nightmare and is coming at somewhat of a discount due to the what-have-you-done-for-me-lately attitude that plaques so many fantasy owners.  AJs injury was a complete fluke last year.  Not only that, he rehabbed to the point where he dropped (13/201/2) in two playoff games last year…and that was with TJ Yates at the helm!  We’re not doctors (even though we proudly own a t-shirt that reads ‘Free Breast Exams’) or physiatrists for that matter, but The Machine has pretty strong intel suggesting AJ is completely healthy and motivated to prove he is still elite.  He’s got the talent, a steady offensive system, an adequate enough QB to translate into a 1300yrd/9TD season.  Get him!
  1. Larry Fitzgerald (80/1411/8/152) – Meet Mr. Reliable.  It doesn’t matter how shitty of a QB Whizz marches out there – Kevin Kolb, John Skelton, Richard Bartel – Fitz continues to put up numbers.  The Machine doesn’t buy into the “he’s the hardest working man in football” routine; listen if somebody paid us $10M a year to catch footballs we’d work our asses off too!  But we can appreciate that Fitz’s conditioning is legendary and he has stayed relatively injury free.  Larry’s fantasy floor is incredibility high; however his QB (or lack there of) prevents his ceiling from reaching the top rank.  Draft Fitz with confidence, just try not to watch the boxscore, or let alone a Cardinals game if you don’t have to.
  1. Greg Jennings (67/949/9/101) – Yes, we will take a piece of that Aaron Rodger pie thank you.  Okay, so that sounded really gay, but the point is that Jennings is tied to the best offense, the best quarterback and the best play-caller in football these days and that more than makes up for his lack of elite talent. Jennings is a smooth route runner and has the full trust of Rodgers.  Plus, the Packers can’t run the ball for a lick.
  1. Hakeem Nicks (75/1183/7/129) – Most people will tell you that ranking Hakeem Nicks at #5 is too high.  Well, most people don’t win fantasy championships either.  Nicks is an absolute monster.  We’ve already confessed our man-crush on Brother Eli; and Nicks is on the receiving end of most of those Manning fire balls.  The Machine isn’t going to second guess Jerry Reese’s eye for talent.  He knew he had a stud in the making when he drafted him, and this will be Nicks “breakout” year.  Barring a setback from his rehab (on track for preseason), The Machine fully expects an 85/1300/10 type of season.  You’re welcome.
  1. Julio Jones (54/959/8/94) – If you’re starting a keeper league this year there are three must-have players: Cam Newton, Trent Richardson and Julio Jones.  Jones is as physically gifted as they come.  Consider this: had Julio returned for his senior season (and had the type of season he is capable of) the Rams probably stay put and take him #2 overall in the 2012 draft.  He is that good.   Admittedly, he is a bit rough as a route runner, but he bursting with raw potential.  The Machine strongly feels he could have a TO-type impact (minus all the baggage) on the football field.
  1. AJ Green (65/1057/7/112) – Speaking of the 2011 draft class, Green was selected two picks before Jones, but he ranks just behind Julio on our list.  We absolutely love the talent, skill set, route-running, catch-radius and potential to put up big time numbers.  Green will be a dominate force for years to come.  At this point in time, however, the Bungals offense isn’t as far along as Atlanta’s, and defenses will be keying on taking away Green.  They won’t have much success.  Plus, he has the ultra-reliable, dependable, cannon-armed, gun-slingin, good-looking Big Red Icon, Andy Dalton slinging him the rock, what’s not to love about that?! (We take care of our own!).
  1. Wes Welker (122/1569/9/173) – This little shit never stops.  It seems like he’s targeted 29 times a game and catches everything (except during Super Bowl defining final drives that is).  He is an integral part of the New England Offensive Machine, and there is no reason to think he won’t catch 100 balls.  The touchdowns may be down a tick with Lloyd in town and their two-headed TE monster doing their thing, but you can always seem to pencil him in for 7 catches a game and solid yardage totals.
  1. Roddy White (100/1296/8/178) – Roddy Roddy Roddy!  It speaks volumes to the depth of the receiver position this year when you have a guy that is coming off back-to-back 100+ catch (and 178 target) seasons as your #9 receiver.  As it sits now, The Machine just can’t get over the potential (and youth/stud factor) of the guys ranked above Roddy.  We would certainly have no qualms with Roddy as a WR1 on our squads this year, as Matty Ice and he have as strong a connection as any QB-WR combo in the league.  But there could be a slight regression in his numbers as the offense (and Julio Jones) evolves.
  1. Percy Harvin (87/967/6/119) – Percy, bro, you’re not going anywhere.  With AP nicked up you are the only juice that offense has left!  The Machine loves versatile players that play angry and have imaginary headaches to get out of practices; and guess who fits that description?  Ding, ding, ding.  Percy is a jack-of-all trades, master of most! To go along with the listed stats, Percy also had 520 return yards, 1 return TD, 345 rushing yards (on 52 attempts) and 2 rushing TDs.  It certainly took offensive coordinator Bill Musgrave long enough to figure out how to utilize Harvin; he only had 43 targets in the first half of the season compared to 76 in the second half.  With AP on the mend, the “migraines” under control and the O-coordinator on board, it could be a monster season for Harvin.

Tuesday Teabag, July 24th

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Larry Johnson did help The Machine win a fantasy championship, so it’s not all bad.

(note:  before reading, insert your Twister Sister Stay Hungry tape, Side A, Song 3, Burn in Hell).  Enjoy.

Sure, they may have taken a hundred wins from you, but congratulations Joe Pa, you’ve won your first Tuesday Teabag Award, posthumous!  Sure, The Machine generally frowns upon speaking badly about the dead (on the contrary, our Dick Clark celebrity death pool celebration may have been a bit over the top), but you sir deserve every piece of dribble and trash coming your way!  So, fuck you!  You gainfully employed a KNOWN pedophile and covered for the creep while he destroyed so many young lives, just so you could protect your bullshit football program!  Then you negotiated your golden parachute just as the scandal was breaking!  And the best you could give us was Todd Blackledge, Courtney Brown and Ki-Jana Carter?!  Thanks Joe!

The only thing more sickening than this whole story is the fact that NOTHING will actually change in the cultural fabric of college football.  Really, this travesty could have happened at any of the big college football programs:  Alabama, Florida, Ohio State, Notre Dame (oh wait, ND is a religious institution steeped in the Catholic faith, a sex scandal involving little boys….err); take your pick.  Big time college football equals big time money.  The greed and lust of these major universities is more important than morality, reasonability, education, and apparently even sexual crimes against children.  If Mark Emmert really wanted to drop the proverbal hammer he should have cancelled ALL NCAA Football for a year.  But he didn’t.  So instead we are left to pile on you, Joe Pa, and all of your bullshit supporters.  That includes you Lou Holtz.  You were well on your way to losing all credibility with your shitty ESPN College Gameday coverage.  Those “coaches’ corner” segments are brutal (seriously ESPN, just tell him the camera’s on, he won’t know the difference).  But with your recent comments that the penalty was too harsh, and the NCAA is destroying Joe Pa’s legacy, you stepped over the line old man.  You’re absolutely what everyone hates about college football right now:  protecting the coaching fraternity above all else.

But enough about Lou, let’s get back to the Machine’s first ever Tuesday Teabag winner.  Joe Pa, you built a 40+ year career preaching honor, discipline, and integrity.  How could you possibly live with yourself, and more importantly, why?  Simple:  money and ego.  The NCAA fined Penn St. $60 million, which sounds like a lot, until you realize that represents the ANNUAL revenue of the football program.  That’s all you need to know.  Joe Pa wouldn’t let anything ruin that cash cow, or tarnish his image or quest to be the all-time winningest coach.  Irony’s a bitch, huh?  Your name will always be associated with this scandal, and you will never regain your place as one of the greatest coaches of all time (sorry bro, but they don’t put statues back up after they’ve been torn down.  Just ask Saddam).  

And to State College, please stop wallowing in your ignorance; get your head out of your ass and show the rest of world that you won’t turn a blind eye to the facts, unlike Joe Pa.  The simple truth is no penalty could have been too harsh.  Burn in hell.

You stay classy, Kansas City!

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I get it, I think. Robby Cano didn’t pick your boy, Billy Big Country Butler for the Homerun Derby.  Instead of selecting your tubby golden boy he went with: Mark Trumbo, the 6’4” mountain of a man right fielder who knocked 29 homers last year and already has 22 this year; Jose Bautista, the guy that has averaged 49 HRs the last two years and is on pace for 54 this year; and Prince Fielder, your 2011 (and now 2012) homerun derby champ!  Not to mention the slew of worthy candidates that were snubbed, including Josh Hamilton (27 HRs), Adam Dunn (25 HRs) and David Ortiz (22 HRs) just to mention a few.

But no, you wanted to see Billy freaking Butler and his 16 HR power bat.  Billy currently checks in behind Josh Reddick, Trevor Plouffe and Jarrod Saltalamacchia in the AL homeruns this year.  While Billy’s physique may represent that of a power hitter (and that’s being kind), the comparison ends there.  He has topped 20 HRs in a season exactly ONE time (21 in 2009).  I don’t care if the derby was held at the house Butler grew up in, with so many potent bats he simply didn’t deserve to step up to the plate.

“Booo!…Boooooooo!…BOOOOOOO!”

So while the first couple rounds of booing were half expected, and somehow a show of support for your guy, you just couldn’t let it go.  The toothless inbreed gene took over and you found something, anything, to cheer for.  It must have felt great, because lets be honest, what have the Royals brought to the table in the last few (27) years?

The silver lining is that you had Bud Selig throwing up in his mouth, all but ensuring it will be another 39 years (at least) before you get a sniff of hosting duties!  Crawl back into your prairie huts and keep telling yourself you have the best BBQ (when the rest of us know that Texas,  Memphis, and maybe even Carolina have got you beat)!

Speaking of Bud, when are you going to take The Machines advice and give the derby the jolt it really needs: metal bats!  We don’t want to see guys hit homers into McCovey Cove; we want guys clearing San Francisco Bay.  We want Prince Fielder hitting balls from Kauffman Stadium to Arrowhead Stadium.  Just think about it Bud and ask yourself this simple question: What Would Roger Do?

2012 Top 10 Fantasy RBs

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While The Machine may have been slow to recognize the housing bubble burst (anyone looking for a $900k, 700 square-foot condo in the greater San Francisco area?) we were all over the Running Back Bubble! While the other “experts” were ramming the RB-RB Theory down your throat, The Machine was collecting stud QBs, WRs, TEs, and – most importantly – Championships! Because of the pass happy, spread look, 2-RB offensive systems it is more critical than ever to hit homeruns with your tailbacks. Here’s the Top 10 heading into the 2012 season (Total Yards/Total TDs/Receptions)

1. Arian Foster (1841/10/53) – Consider The Machine part of the Arian Nation! What’s not to love? Strength between the tackles, burst to turn the corner, soft hands, nimble feet, just enough wiggle to make people miss and he tweets pictures of his injuries! That’s my definition of an all purpose back. That looming hamstring injury at the start of the regular season scared some people away. But the “gamblers” (The Machine faithful) undoubtedly rode this beast to the playoffs. Time to double-down and grab this stud early (like first overall) and watch the wins pile up.

2. LeSean McCoy (1624/20/48) – Andy Reid will never win a Super bowl, but man this guy has the Midas touch for producing uber-productive fantasy tailbacks; from Brian Westbrook to LeSean McCoy. Hell, even Duce Staley was relevant! While it will be hard for LaShady to top last years numbers (come on, 20 TDs!), he’ll make up for it with an increase in receptions and receiving yards. Philly’s offense is reminiscent of a Tecmo Bowl squad, with LaShady playing the roll of Bo Jackson. As a bonus their offensive line coach is back for another year as the defense coordinator. This team will have to score a lot of points to have a chance.

3. Ray Rice (2068/15/76) – The Ravens are going to have a major identity crisis this year. They’ve had a ton of success as a ground and pound offense, with a dominating defense to back them up. However, the defense has some glaring holes (namely their senor citizen line backing corps and secondary) and is going to be a liability this year, putting the offense in a bad spot: playing from behind. The Machine has little faith in Joe Flacco and his merry crew: Bolden (slow), Evans (crusty), Smith (Mr. Go-Route). The silver lining to all of this is that Ray Rice will be a major part of every game plan and the production will continue. His fantasy floor is high (in standard scoring leagues he scored 14+ fantasy points in 13 of 16 games), and his durability is a fantasy asset (has played in every game for 3 straight years); being able to plug in your studs each and every week is huge.

4. Chris Johnson (1465/4/57) – Which CJ28 is going to show up, the 2009-10 sensational speedster or the 2011 oft-maligned version? With a top 5 ranking The Machines stance is pretty clear; we’re willing to bet on a 27 year old feature back that already has two 1600+ yards from scrimmage seasons under his belt, 42 trips to pay dirt, and sub 4.3 speed. Sign us up for the 1500 yards and double-digit scores please!

5. Daren McFadden (768/5/19) – What do we love about Run DMC (other than his ridiculously awesome nickname)? That stat line is for 7 games. Extrapolated over a full season that’s some of the charts production (1755, 11, 43). What do we hate about Run DMC? That stat line is for 7 games. Homeboy is currently the biggest tease in the fantasy world. He burned a lot of bridges for fantasy teams in the second half of last year. So why the aggressive ranking when the injury whistle is blaring? Because The Machine is concerned with one thing: Winning Championships. Run DMC has two things going for him this year that he has never had before: a competent front office and an empowered coaching staff. No more Big Al calling the ‘H-back sweep left’ from the Owners Box play after play, series after series. Sure, it might mean fewer touches per game, but more games overall. Run DMC Run!

6. Ryan Mathews (1646/6/42) – Mathews 2011 season went a long way to prove that he isn’t as big of a pussy as we thought he was after 2010. He fully showcased his skills and justified the Chargers move up to grab him 12 overall in 2010. Despite his propensity to put the ball on the ground at a Tiki Barberesque pace (13:10 TD to fumble ratio), his head coach hasn’t updated the playbook since 1996 (read: run heavy) and Mike Tolbert is now a Panther. Mathews is primed to take the next step.

7. Maurice Jones-Drew (1980/11/43) – One of The Machines all time favorites, and your 2011 NFL Rushing Title Champ. MJD is built like a brick house and can squat a Volkswagen. So what’s holding him back from claiming a higher spot on this list? Well, in alphabetical order: Bratkowski (Bob), Eben (Britton), Gabbert (Blaine), Gabbert (Blaine), Gabbert (Blaine), Monroe (Eugene), Mularky (Mike), Smith (Gene)….

8. Trent Richardson (Rookie) – When I die I hope I’m reincarnated as a 1950’s NFL Hall of Fame running back so that I can get a free pass to be a terrible actor and say as much horseshit to the media as Jim Brown does. Seriously Jim, do yourself a favor, toss the League of Nations hat in the washing machine and check yourself into a retirement home. I’m sure you’ll be a real terror on the shuffleboard court. This ranking alone tells you everything you need to know about this Richardson. He is special running back and is going to be a workhorse from day one.

9. Matt Forte (1487/4/52) – The Machine can’t blame Matt Forte for wanting to get paid; he’s among the league leaders in touches per game (21.25 touches/game) and makes the most of his touches (117 yards/game). He has produced (in fantasy & reality) like a franchise caliber running back and now he wants his bank. The Machine also can’t blame the Bears for not wanting to pay him. Sure, the production outpaced the Contract, but isn’t that the point?! Has hit the 1000 touches mile marker and broke down at the end of next year. The Bears made a leverage play with the Michael Bush signing (4 years, $14M…..$7M guaranteed), so this situation could get real ugly. We love what Forte brings to the field, but this ranking comes with a giant asterisk next to it. Stay tuned.

10. Adrian Peterson (1109/13/18) – We all know what ‘All Day’ was capable of BEFORE reconstructive knee surgery. Over the last two seasons AP has averaged a healthy 16 fantasy points per game despite playing behind arguably the worst offensive line in football, and dealing with the Brett Favre-Donovan McNabb-Christian Ponder experiment. This is another situation worth monitoring, but if Peterson is running and cutting in training camp and/or preseason The Machine has no qualms tabbing him the #10 fantasy running back.