Author Archives: RoidRage

Tuesday Teabag – February 26, 2013: D. Bryant

Posted on by
Reply

If a tweet is worth 140 characters and a picture is worth 1,000 words than please tell me, how much is a mug shot worth?!  Nick Nolte is still cashing in on his rather infamous photoshoot(s) with the popo; but he may have to relinquish his title as king of the batshit craziest mug shot, because there is a new sheriff in town……

la-sp-sn-desmond-bryant-mugshot-20130226-001

That my friends is (are you ready for this) UNRESTRICTED free agent, HARVARD graduate, NFL starting defensive tackle Desmond Bryant.  Not to be confused with deadbeat mom-beater Dez Bryant of the Dallas “Get Loaded and Drive Home” Cowboys.  Sidenote: Dez was real quick to take to twitter to proclaim is innocence and detail his alibi.  Moral victory Dez, we get it; your time will come soon enough you ticking time bomb you!

But back to our friend, Desmond.  Dude, we’ve all been there (chances are, if you’re reading this blog you’ve been there more than once…..this month).   In fact, while you’re out there busting your ass each Sunday on the gridiron, The Machine is putting in a full days work at a local watering hole trying to get to the exact state you were in when the above picture was taken.  Eyes glazed to the point they look soulless; tongue so dry that you can’t bother keeping it in your mouth any longer; so disheveled that your clothing becomes an afterthought.  Hell, this bender was so rich you couldn’t even bother with some bling, a hat, or even with a proper shave.  Well done boss.

As for the crime, well, according to the LA Times, you were arrested “on a misdemeanor charge of criminal mischief after allegedly causing a commotion at a neighbor’s house while inebriated.”  Translation:  your hammered ass stumbled through your neighbor’s backyard, dropping some freestyle rhymes while kicking over their Mary-in-a-bathtub lawn decoration and dropping a deuce in their pool.  Again, we’ve all been there!  And we’ve all got that noisy bitch neighbor who is trigger happy with the 911 speed dial.  That’s why, in the same vein as Co-MVP’s, The Machine has decided to name your neighbors as Co-Teabag Award recipients.  They certainly could have helped the big fella to his house, gotten him tucked into bed and even scored a few game worn jerseys out of the whole ordeal.  That could have been a real win-win for your (not so close-knit) community.  Or course, the rest of us would have missed out on your gem of a mug shot, so I guess we owe those Debbie Downers an ounce of gratitude for that.

Sure, the photograph is embarrassing and all, but here is the real bitch of it.  Depending on who you ask, the average NFL career is between 3.5 years (DeSmith) and 6 year (RG1). Either way, it’s a very small window to make bank.  A majority of players will only get one opportunity to hit free agency and negotiate a second, and financially significant, contract.  Prior to your photo shoot, you had some decent negotiating power on your side.  In the last four years you suited up for 63 out of 64 games; registered 124 tackles, 11.5 sacks and 3 forced fumbles.  The last two season you’ve flashed some ability as a dependable, starting defensive tackle.  I think you could use Kendall Langford’s deal last offseason as a base: 4 years $24M, with $12M guaranteed.  Of course, that was before this…..

la-sp-sn-desmond-bryant-mugshot-20130226-001

Now, tell me, what GM and what Owner wants to hand this guy $12-15M, guaranteed?!  It’s not that fact that you got blitzed (pun intended) and kicked your neighbor’s poodle.  It’s the timing of it that has cost you (and your agent) millions of (easy) free agency dollars!  This is such a brutally simple concept that NFL (and all professional athletes presumably) don’t comprehend.  Surround yourself with people who won’t let you do dumb things (or at least are willing to take the fall for you) until your playing days are over!

But I guess it has earned you mad respect in the mug shot community.  The Machine hopes that in a few years you and your neighbors will be able laugh at this whole story; but until then, enjoy your Teabag Award!

The Machine’s 2013 NFL Mock Draft (v1.0)

Posted on by
Reply

The Monday after the Super Bowl; Day One of the offseason.  Ugh.  Seven more months before another meaningful football game is played. Uuuuugh!

However, that does mean The Machine can shift our undivided attention to an event as equally exciting as the Super Bowl, The Draft! Considering it is right around the corner (3 months and counting!!)  we decided to throw together our first mock draft.  To add a bit of gamesmanship, we’ll be alternating selections between Roidrage and Ginger King.  RR, you’re on the clock…

1

 Kansas City Chiefs: Luke Joeckle OT Texas A&M
Analysis:  Between the mounting injuries, Romel Crennels abysmal coaching efforts and underwhelming QB play, the Chiefs weren’t very competitive in 2012.  However, for being the “worst” team in the league, the Chiefs have some decent young building blocks in place: Jamaal Charles, Dwyane Bowe (FA), Eric Berry, Derrick Johnson and Tambi Hali. Andy Reid and staff represent an upgrade in the coaching department.  He’ll no doubt want to address the weakest QB group in the league (Matt Cassel, Brady Quinn – okay, maybe not as bad as the Cardinals but still dreadful!)  While the Chiefs could certainly fall in love with a QB prospect (Smith, Wilson, Nassib) in the next few months, chances are they can get similar value in the early second round (or trade back into the late first).  Joeckle is a “safe” pick that should be an anchor on their O-line for years to come.

2

 Jacksonville Jaguars: Damontre Moore DE Texas A&M
Analysis:  How is it possible that a team that has had 5 consecutive Top 10 selections (6 including this year) not have a solid nucleus of talent?  Because said team has used said Top 10 picks on people like Blaine Gabbert and Tyson Alualu.  Where to start.  The Jags need help (literally) at every single position, so they could go in a number of different directions.  However, their current starting DEs consist of Jason Babin (age: 32) and Jeremy Mincey (age: doesn’t matter because he’s awful (29)).  Moore steps in and instantly becomes a starting DE, and likely the best defensive player on the team.  “DaMonster” had 12.5 sacks last season (the formidable duo of Babin/Mincey combined for 10) and has room to grow in his 248 lb frame.  He has the quickness and athleticism to line up at DE and LB, giving the Jags the ability to move him around the field in different coverage looks.   The Jags finally get a Top 10 pick right.

3

 Oakland Raiders Star Lotulelei DT Utah
Analysis:  The 2012 Raiders didn’t do much right in their first year under 12-year-old Dennis Allen.  But perhaps nothing was worse than their run defense.  The gave up 1897 yards on the ground ( 119 yrds/gm); 9 times allowing 100+ yards rushing and 3 times allowing 220+ yards.  None more memorable than Doug Martins 251 yards (and 4 TDs) on the ground in Week 9!  Considering Tommy Kelly (32) and Richard Seymour (33) are on the wrong side of 30, Lotulelei makes too much sense here and there is a strong possibility he doesn’t even last this long!  He is that good.

4

 Philadelphia Eagles Dee Milliner CB Alabama
Analysis:  Every night, Joe Banner and Co. pray that Luke Joeckle falls to them here.  They need OL help.  But Andy Reid will send a big FU to his former employer (note: spite is a perfectly good reason to draft a player) leaving the Eagles empty-handed.  #4 is too high to draft Eric Fisher or Chance Warmack, and if Philly can’t trade down, they’re left to plug some other holes.  Secondary is an obvious one.  The duo of Asomugha and DRC has been anything but dynamic.  DRC wants a new contract, and Asomugha is going to count $16 million against the cap this year, crazy considering he’s awful in pass coverage.  One or both of these guys may be gone.  Dee is by far the best corner in this draft, following an impressive trend of SEC corners (see Stephon Gilmore, Dre Kirkpatrick).  At 6’1″, he’s the perfect height to defend the jump ball, and has the speed and power to get physical at the line.  Going against Eli, Romo, and RGIII twice a year, the Eagles need a consistent and dependable secondary.  A unanimous first-team All American, Dee was the anchor in Bama’s secondary, and should have an immediate impact.

5

 Detroit Lions Bjoern Werner DE Florida St.
Analysis:  The Lions continue building from their strength and spend another high draft pick on the defensive line (Suh, Farley).  It seems as though the team will part ways with Kyle van De Bosch, and Werner represents and ideal replacement (and upgrade considering KVDB’s decline this year).  Werner has a quick first step and is strong at the point of attack; he plays well against the run and can get after the passer.  Coaches may fall in love with his raw ability and tremendous upside.   When you play Aaron Rodgers and Adrian Peterson twice a year, you can’t have too many athletic defensive linemen that bring it every play.

6

 Cleveland Browns Jarvis Jones OLB Georgia
Analysis: The Browns will be doing cartwheels if Jones is here.  The Browns need defensive power, pressure, and speed.  Jarvis solves all three.  While Barkevious Mingo (Greatest. Name. Ever.) will get a look here, the Browns can’t pass on Jones.  He’s as much of a sure thing for Cleveland since LeBron (pre taking his talents to South Beach).  Jarvis led the nation in sacks with 14.5, to go with 85 tackles and 1 interception.  Jarvis won’t stop Cleveland from picking in the Top 10 next year, but he’s a big step in the right direction.

7

 Arizona Cardinals Geno Smith QB WV
Analysis:  This is a dream scenario for Bruce Arians and the Arzona Cardinals.  The top rated QB falls to the team most desperate for a QB.  Arians is creative enough to build an offensive to maximize Smiths strengths (and hide his limitations).  Quarterbacks stocks tend to rise as we approach the draft, so Geno could be off the board sooner than this.  But for now we’ll dream of the Arians-Smith-Fitzgerald potential!

8

 Buffalo Bills Cordarrelle Patterson WR Tenn
Analysis: The Bills need to improve their offense.  QB is an option, but truly a reach here.  There are a collection of QBs that rank in the “meh” category:  none of them are worth of a Top 10 pick.  The Receiver class, however, is not deep, and the Bills need to upgrade their passing game.  Cordarrelle (pronounced “Core-dare-ull”) is clearly the top WR.  He’s the total package.  At 6’3″, he’s got the size to go up and over, and the speed to hit the quick slant.

9

 NY Jets Ezekiel Ansah DE BYU
Analysis:  As we’ve studied the Jets roster one thing is painfully obvious: they lack talent….and playmakers….and depth.  The Jets should absolutely trade Revis for a package of picks.  They could really go in any direction with this pick.  They could grab a QB (although it looks as if they are stuck with Sanchez for at least one more year), but we have them grabbing a defensive playmaker.  We feel that Ansah’s stock will be on the rise as he puts on a show at the Combine and the BYU pro day.  Somebody will pay the price for his freakish upside (think JPP), might as well be the Jets.

10

 Tennessee Titans Chance Warmack OG Alabama
Analysis:  No question the Titans are going offensive line here.  CJ2k has looked more like CJ750, and much of that is due to a porous line up front.  Chance dominated at Alabama, and much of the success that fellow teammates Mark Ingram and Trent Richardson had was due in part to the consistent and solid play of Chance.

11

 San Diego Chargers Barkevious Mingo DE LSU
Analysis:  Having seen six defenders go in the first ten picks in this scenario, the Bolts grab Mingo to address their pass-rushing deficiencies.  Mingo is a difficult prospect to project.  He is going to light up the combine/workouts and get the creative (defensive) minds around the league thinking of the possibilities’.  McCoy and Whisenhunt have even pieces on offense to make that side of the ball dangerous; so they go defense early and often to add some difference-makers.

12

 Miami Dolphins Jonathan Banks CB Miss. St.
Analysis:  The Dolphins have several needs, perhaps none more pressing than their secondary, which is an absolute mess.  The Dolphins traded their best corner, Vontae Davis, for a second round pick, Sean Smith is a free agent, and Richard Marshall and Nolan Carroll are far from being consistent contributors (that’s being generous).  Banks had a solid career at Mississippi St., and won the Jim Thorpe Award as the nation’s best defensive back.  WR is also an option, especially if Cordarrelle Patterson is still available.  However, the free agent pool is deep at receiver, so the Dolphins should make a run at Greg Jennings or Dwayne Bowe.  The free agent pool at DB is not, so this need must be addressed in the draft.

13

 Tampa Bay Buccaneers Eric Fisher OT Central Mich.
Analysis:  This is almost a dream scenario for the Bucs.  Fisher was dominate all week at the Senor Bowl, suggesting his outstanding film isn’t merely a by-producted of underwhelimg MAC talent.  He could absolutely be every bit the player that Joeckle is (and 12 picks later!).  It wouldn’t shock us to see the Bucs grab a QB here, as they clearly (and rightfully) aren’t sold on Freeman.  Regardless of how is quarterbacking this franchise in the future, they will love having this stud upfront.

14

 Carolina Panthers Terrance Williams WR Baylor
Analysis:  Carolina needs to add some offensive weapons.  Cam Newton’s sophmore slump was due in large part to an aging core of offensive playmakers.  Williams makes a ton of sense here.  Even with the departure of RGIII, Williams went 97/1,832/12, leading the nation in receiving yards.

15

 New Orleans Saints Jonathan Hankins DT Ohio St.
Analysis:  The 2012 New Orleans Saints were historically bad on defense.  They were as bad on denfese as the ’85 Bears were good! Rob (I’ll probably be out of work for 5 minutes…err… 4 weeks) joins wunderkind Sean Peyton on the sidelines to try to fix the mess.  The first order of business is switching to a 34 defense.  Without the luxury of a second round pick (kill the head and your draft will follow) the Saints have to grab a defense piece early.  Hankins has the size to anchor the NT in Ryan’s defense.

16

 St. Louis Rams Lane Johnson OT Oklahoma
Analysis:  This is the first of two picks for the Rams in the first round.  With an up and coming defense (well done dodging the Rex Ryan Crazy Train) both of these picks should focus on improving the offense.  It seems that, everytime we watch the Rams, Sam Bradford is lying on his back, separating his shoulder for the umpteenth time.  Simply put:  the Rams need OL help.  Lane Johnson is the most athletic OL in the draft.  A high school quarterback in Texas (and also finished 4th in the shot put at the state track and field championships) Lane played TE and DE in college before making the switch to OL.  At 6’7″, 303 lbs., he’s got to add some more strength to his frame, and has a lot of potential.

17

 Pittsburgh Steelers Dion Jordan OLB Oregon
Analysis:Two words to describe Jordan:  FREAK….and….FREEEEAK!  6-7, 241 lbs and simply flies all over the field.  With smoe good coaching and playing with more control and purpose, Jordan can wreck havoc on the football field.  Here is another prospect who could shoot up draft boards this spring.  For now we’ll slot him to the Steelers who got old on defense in a hurry.  The Steelers do a fanastic job of waiting their turn and taking players who should have been draft already.  They grab a great value (and need) here.

18

 Dallas Cowboys John Jenkins DT Georgia
Analysis:  By most accounts, Jay Ratliff hasn’t had the best season.  A public spat with the boss and then a DUI in the offseason likely means the end of his tenure in Dallas.  However, we know talent trumps character, especially in Dallas.  Whether Jay stays or goes, Dallas needs to improve their interior defense.  There is great depth at DT in this draft, and the Cowboys will have their options.  Jonathon Hankins and Sheldon Richardson will get looks, if one (or both) are still around.  John Jenkins is an athletic run stuffer and should fit nicely into the Cowboys defensive line.

19

 NY Giants Kenny Vaccaro S Texas
Analysis:  The G-men could go in a number of directions with this pick: OL, OLB, CB, RB.  Vaccaro is too good of a prospect to slip by the Giants brass.  His versatility is appealing, as he can play both safety positions.  The Giants also used a 3-safety defense numerous times in defense of the hurry-spread attack that swept through the league in the last few years.  Vaccaro could also be deployed as a spy versus running QB’s (Vick, RG3).  That said, I think this is the point where teams who bypassed a QB early will tempt to trade back in to the 1st to grab one that slipped.

20

 Chicago Bears D.J. Fluker OT Alabama
Analysis: OL has to be priority #1 for ‘da Bears.   How much whining does Jay Cutler have to do?  Yes, he does a lot of whining regardless, but dude does have a point.  DJ is pure size and power…measuring in a 6’6″ and a solid 335 lbs.  D.J. will pay immediate dividends for Chicago…he’ll open up lanes for Forte and keep Cutler off his ass, forcing him to whine about something else.

21

 Cincinnati Bengals Arthur Brown OLB Kansas St.
Analysis:  I really like the direction of this Cincinnati Bengals team; they have a young, talented roster after putting together some solid drafts (2012: Kirkpatrick, Zeitler, Sanu; 2011: Green, Dalton, Boling; 2010: Gresham, Atkins).  Marvin Lewis is smart enough to realize Andy Dalton’s flaws; (and while there is nothing he can do to lessen his gingerness) the best way to mask those deficiencies is to rely on a strong running game and solid defense.  Adding Brown gives the Bengal’s an athletic playmaker and gives them some much needed positional flexibility in regards to their line backing corps.

22

 St. Louis Rams Eddie Lacy RB Alabama
Analysis:  This would be the perfect storm for St. Louis.  With Steven Jackson likely gone, the Rams backfield consists of Darryl Richardson and Isaih Pead.  Eddie Lacy is the best RB in the draft, and would instantly compete for the #1 spot, with or without Jackson.  A first team All-SEC selection, Lacy rushed for 1,322 yards and 17 tds in 14 games.  He also caught 22 balls for 189 and 2 tds, and returns kickoffs as well.

23

 Minnesota Vikings Keenan Allen WR Cal
Analysis:  If your typical diva WR is a headache for the coaching staff (and GM) consider Percy Harvin a migraine!  For high school to the pros, everywhere this guy goes a black cloud follows and it’s a shame because the guy has elite skills.  If the Vikings are unable to trade him (to NE to replace Wes Welker?) this season he will surely be gone the following, as the Vikes have no intention of forking over $20M to this guy.  And this is from an organization that is thin (to be kind) at the wide-receiver position to begin with!  Allen is a step in the right direction in terms of giving Ponder a reliable target.

24

 Indianapolis Colts Alex Okafor DE Texas
Analysis:  The Colts were the most improved team in the NFL, going from a 2 win team to an 11 wind season and a playoff appearance.  Offensive line is a need, but with all the top talent gone, Indy will have to address this in the later rounds  With Dwight Freeney turning 80, Okafor would be a nice consolation prize for the Colts.

25

 Seattle Seahawks Sheldon Richardson DT Missouri
Analysis:  The Seahawks have been driving “mock drafters” crazy with some of their first round “reaches”  (James Carpenter, Bruce Irvin)who turn out to be fantastic football players on gameday.  So good luck trying to predict the Seahawks selection.  But we love the idea of the Hawks adding a penetrating force on the interior of there already dominate defense.  The Seahawks are one good off-season away from competing for a championship.

26

 Green Bay Packers Alec Ogletree OLB Georgia
Analysis:  Depending on what happens with Jermichael Finley, the Pack may want to think about drafting a TE, and they should have their pick of either Eifert or Ertz.  However, assuming Finley stays, Green Bay should focus on defense.  The play of Aaron Rodgers and the explosiveness of Green Bay’s offense did a good job hiding the fact that the defense is not good.  They were completely exposed by San Francisco in the playoffs.  Releasing Charles Woodson is recognition that Green Bay needs to get young on D.  Ogletree would provide fresh legs and versatility to the defense in need of both.

27

 Houston Texans Tyler Eifert TE ND
Analysis:  The Texans love drafting defense and building from their strengths; but we like them to add pieces to build around their top-notch running game.  Eifert (and Ertz) can create match up problems for defenses.

28

 Denver Broncos Sharrif Floyd DT Florida
Analysis:  Obviously, Denver could use some secondary help (or a new secondary coach?) but Floyd is too much value to pass up here.  There’s a buzz about Sharrif, and if he kills it at the Combine, he could shoot up draft boards and into the Top 10.  Until then, John Fox and crew would be ecstatic with Floyd.

29

 New England Patriots Jesse Williams DT Alabama
Analysis:  Again, what an ideal spot for a team to trade up into the first round and snag a QB should one drop to this point.  We all know the Patriots love stockpiling draft picks.  In this situation Belichick grabs a big bodied defended based on favorable recommendations from good buddy Nick Saban.  While the Patriots are ever evolving and continually seem to be ahead of the curve, Belichcick knows creating the line of scrimmage is the first step to a good defense (or offense for that matter).

30

 Atlanta Falcons Zach Ertz TE Stanford
Analysis:  With Tony Gonzalez “probably” retiring (anyone else thinking that’s going to drag on?) Atlanta would be well-served to use its first round pick to find his replacement. Ertz, at 6’6″, 249 lbs., is built very similar to Gonzo, and would fit in nicely in Atlanta.

31

 San Francisco 49ers Tavon Austin WR  WV
Analysis:  While Michael Crabtree had a coming out party this season (don’t worry Chris Culliver, not that kind of coming out party) the Niners could still improve their receiving corps.  They tried and (largely) failed with Randy Moss and Mario Manningham.  Austin’s explosive and can play both receiver and special teams, providing another way to instantly contribute.  He racked up 572 all-purpose yards in one game last year (second most all time), and possesses that quick first step and burst that will be effective in the slot and on returns.

32

 Baltimore Ravens Manti Te’o ILB ND
Analysis:It wasn’t a coincidence that Ray Lewis’s name was never called during the actual Super Bowl.  Deer-spray notwithstanding, Ray-Ray has completely lost the speed element to his game and was a shell of his former self.  The Ravens may find themselves without ray, Ed Reed and Paul Kruger next seasons.  Ozzie Newsome will use this pick to help re-tool his front seven.  Kevin Minter is probably a better prospect and better fit here, but we selfishly love the idea of hearing Terrell Suggs opine about the dead girlfriend-catfishing story.

CHAMPIONSHIP SUNDAY!

Posted on by
Reply

As if last weekends playoff games weren’t exciting enough (276 combined points, Peyton Manning going all Peyton Manning, “Gonk” busting his forearm, again [bro, don’t be scared to mix in a glass of milk every once in a while] and the incredible finish to the Seahawks-Falcons game) we had one of the most bizarre sporting “news” weeks in recent memory.

For most weeks, the LieStrong Story would be more than enough fodder to keep radio talking heads and Sportcenter happily busy.  But this wasn’t exactly your “typical” week.  Enter Manti Te’o and his dead girlfriend that didn’t exist.  Or wait, maybe she faked her own death because she was alluding drug dealers?  And how exactly did this Tuiasosopo character (are we even sure he exists? Seriously) apologize via twitter last week when his account was closed two weeks ago?!  Blah.  The Machine (while we are enjoying every twist and turn to this “real” life WWE story) are in some desperate need of ACTUAL, REAL football.  How refreshing.

There are only 3 games left on the schedule (until our undivided attention goes into Draft-mode), and Championship Sunday promises to live up to its billing, as any of the four remaining teams could win it all.  We’ve studied the tape, waded through the storylines, and dissected the stats to bring you todays winners.  Let’s get into it:

San Francisco (-4.5) @ Atlanta

Do you know the last time a Number 1 seed, hosting the Conference Championship was a 4-point underdog?!  You have to go back to the 1978 Dallas Cowboys, who were 4-point dogs and went on to beat the Rams (then of Los Angeles) 28-0….the ‘boys also won the Superbowl that year for what its worth.  Is The Machine saying that the Falcons are going to win the Superbowl this year?!  Ehhh, not so fast.  We actually love the Niners in this one, but have to be very cautious with this line.  The Falcons have struggled mightily against QBs running the spread option this year (yielding a whopping 700 combined yards to Cam Newton in two games this year and barely hanging on against Russ Wilson last week).  Mike Nolan’s defense will play games pre-snap to try to confuse (and predetermine) Kaepernicks reads.  However, handling his athleticism after the snap is a different story.  Even if the falcons can limit Kaepernick on the ground, they have to contend with SF’s beastly offensive line (featuring 3 former first round draft picks) and their stable of running backs.  Kaepernick also has just enough weapons in the passing game (Crabtree, Moss, Davis, Walker) to keep the defense honest.  We just don’t think Atlanta’s defense matches up well against the Niners.

Atlanta’s strength is their offense, particularly their passing attack.  They can stretch a defense vertically with Julio Jones, beat them on intermediate routes with Roddy White and kill them in the redzone with Tony Gonzalez.  They usually get enough production from Michael Turner (on 1st and 2nd down) and JacQuizz Rodgers (on 3rd) to maintain a rushing attack.  If the offense can protect Matt Ryan, Julio Jones could have a big day.  He presents that matchup problems for SFs secondary.  However, they will have their hands full with the Niners front seven.

The Falcons wore down against a Seahawks team that plays a similar style of football to the Niners.  The Niners will impose their will late in the game and Kyle Williams won’t muff any punts (guaranteed! – hell, I like his chances of taking one to the house!).

The 49ers will be Kapernicking their way to New Orleans: SF 34 ATL 28

Baltimore @ New England (-8)

Rematch!  We are looking forward to a very chippy encounter between these two teams that have some bad blood between them.  Last year Joe Flacco outplayed Tom Brady outright.  Flacco was orchestrating a game winning drive when he hit Lee Evans in the corner of the endzone…..only to have the ball dropped.  If Evans makes that catch the Ravens probably lose the Super Bowl to the Giants last year.  Regardless, the Ravens trotted out Billy Cundiff (pronounced ‘CUNT-iff’ in the greater Baltimore area) for a chip shot 32-yard field goal to send the game into overtime.  Yeah, they missed that too.  Their season ended in Foxboro on a bullshit dropped pass and an ugly field goal attempt.  It should come as no surprise that Lee Evans and Billy Cundiff were cut in the offseason.  The Ravens have pieced together another solid run  this year, and find themselves travelling back to Foxboro, one win away from the Super Bowl, again.

Bill Belichick always seems to be one-step ahead of the rest of the league.  While most teams roll out some no-huddle series and packages, the Patriots feature it.  They have run more offense snaps than any other team this year and average the least amount time between snaps.  Their no-huddle hurry-up offense is ridiculously effective in the redzone (defense winded near tail end of drives + hardest place on the field to substitute + hardest place on the field to communicate) and on short yardage situations.  Tom Brady quick snaps on a QB keeper on 3rd-and-1 and 4th-and-1 more than any other QB in the league and he is more effective than 70% of the “short yardage” running backs.  Their tempo is going to be very difficult on an aging Baltimore defense that hasn’t really been themselves this year.  Look up their defensive numbers, it’s not pretty.

Ray-Ray will surely have his squad fired-up for this afternoons affair, but the it won’t matter, the Patriots will pass, run and score at will.  However, Flacco and Rice will be able to do enough to keep them in this game. 

NE 38, Baltimore 37

There you have it folks, The Machine is calling for a NE vs. SF Super Bowl!

Bonus predictions: Ray Lewis comes out of “retirement” around the third week of Training Camp, citing unfinished business.

AFC Divisional Round, Sunday

Posted on by
1

Houston Texans at New England Patriots (-9.5)

No reason to get fancy with this analysis; two-hundred words should be more than enough.  At its simplest form, this game boils down Schaub-Kubiak versus Brady-Belichick.  I know which side of that equation I’m going to lay my money.

The Texans lost 3 of their last 4 games to limp into the playoffs.  They continued their uninspired limp by escaping the first round with a dreadful performance against the Bengals.  Andy Dalton, ginger powers and all, may have played himself out of a starting job with an embarrassing performance against the Texans.  He left play after play on the field, including a wide open AJ Green streaking up the seam late in the game; a play that would have drastically changed the course of game.  Andy Dalton missed the throw.  Tom Brady won’t.

This game figures to play out exactly like their Week 14 match-up; a 42-14 beat-down of the Texans.  The Patriots front seven will contain Arian Foster (15 carries, 46 yards in that game) and force Matt Schaub into beating them.  The Patriots offense will keep the pedal to the metal the entire game, forcing the Texans into a shoot-out.

Patriots cruise for a rematch of last years AFC Championship.

NE 38, Houston 17

(Word Count: 210) NAILED IT!

AFC Divisional Round, Saturday

Posted on by
2

Baltimore at Denver (-9)

It doesn’t get much better than Divisional Round Playoff Football!  This weekend features the eight best teams vying for a chance to play in their conference championship game.  Again we’re treated with a two-pack of games on Saturday AND Sunday.  God bless!

Other than The Silverbacks face palming of Richard Sherman, the Wild Card Round was a snoozefest…..(that doesn’t mean we didn’t enjoy every minute of it and slam beers until the clock read 00:00).  This weekend features a promising platter of tasty matchups that will surely excite the senses.  However, the guys in Vegas are none to impressed with the AFC matchups this weekend as both visiting teams are 9 point dogs (both NFC visiting teams are 2.5 point dogs).

The Ravens were able to parlay home field advantage and the emotional return of Ray Lewis into a 24-9 win over the Colts…..who were starting a rookie QB….and who went 2-14 the previous year with almost the same roster.  But hey, we’ll give credit to the Ravens because they took care of business, but it was ugly.  Ray Rice put the ball on the ground, twice.  Flacco only played good ball for 2 quarters.  The Colts offensive line was overmatched and they failed to capitalize in the redzone (0 TDs in three chances).  So again, the Ravens did what they had to do, but they won’t get away with that kind of sloppy football against Sheriff Manning.

The Broncos have the longest current streak in the NFL at 11. Further, they won 7 of those games by a double-digit margin.  Sure, Manning is going to garner all the discussion and praise, but the defense has been nasty too!  They are allowing an AFC low 17 points-per-game-against.  Von Miller and Elvis Dumervil are bringing the heat from the edges (29.5 combined sacks), forcing quick (and often poor) decisions by the opposing quarterback.  The rest of the defense is flying to the ball and capitalizing on those mistakes.

Much has been made this week that Peyton Manning is 0-3 in playoff games under 40-degrees (weather outlook at kickoff: 19 degrees, snow).  It sounds like an odd stat that is gaining way too much traction this week; in other words, something here stinks.  The Machine did a little internet research of our own and found that two of those games where against Brady-Belichick (in New England) and the other was a beat down at the hands of the Jets, 11 years ago!  Nothing to see here folks!

The Machine doesn’t trust Joe Flacco, or the Ravens receivers (Anquan meet Champ, Champ meet Anquan), or whomever is calling the plays, or the ageless defense, or these bogus weather stats……and neither does Vegas!  Make it 12 in a row.

Denver 27, Baltimore 16

 

 

Week 17 Staff Picks – ATS

Posted on by
Reply
Games Roid Rage Ginger King Results
Last week (Year to date):
8-6-2 (70-59-5)
7-7-2 (70-59-5)
NYJ @ Buffalo (-3.5) Buffalo  Buffalo
Carolina @ New Orleans (-4.5) Carolina  New Orleans
Cleveland @ Pittsburgh (N/A) Pittsburgh  Pittsburgh
Tampa Bay @ Atlanta (-3.5) Tampa Bay  Tampa Bay
Chicago (-3) @ Detroit Chicago  Detroit
Philadelphia @ NYG (-6.5) NYG  NYG
Jacksonville @ Tennessee (-4) Jacksonville  Tennessee
Baltimore @ Cincinnati (-2.5) Cincy  Cincy
Houston (-7) @ Indianapolis Houston  Indy
Green Bay (-3.5) @ Minnesota Green Bay  Green Bay
Kansas City @ Denver (-16) KC  KC
Oakland @ San Diego (-10.5) San Diego  San Diego
Arizona @ San Francisco (-17.5) Arizona  Arizona
St. Louis @ Seattle (-10.5) St. Louis  St. Louis
Miami @ New England (-10) NE  NE
Dallas @ Washington (-3.5) Washington  Washington
Lock & Load!
RR:  Washington (-3.5), San Diego (-10.5), Chicago (-3)
GK: KC (+16), Arizona (+17.5), Indy (+7)

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Posted on by
Reply

WTF?!

  Remember, Whiskey & Eggnog.  Whiskey & Eggnog.

Week 16 – Sleepers

Posted on by
Reply

It’s Championship Week (for most self-respecting fantasy leagues)! Fortunately, even the best teams in the NFL have something to play for this week, the same can’t be said for next week (see: Atlanta Falcons), so you should be getting max effort (hopefully).

I know this repeatative, but we can’t stress it enough: Don’t get too cute! Roll with the squad that got you this far.  Dez Bryant last week is a perfect example of this.  There were questions surrounding his bum finger, even reports of the Cowboys shutting him down for the season.  But when word came down that he was suiting up last week that was your sign to plug him in.  He has been an absolute beast the second half of the season and didn’t disappoint last week with a nice 4/59/1 line.  The point is, we’d rather roll with Dez and his big game potential than a shaky option like M. Floyd (2/39 last week fyi).

But if you’re in a jam, have no fear, The Machine is here!  Now pay attention, last week we pimped D. Pitta to the tune of 7/125/2! This week we like…..

1. Washington Def (17%Y!) – They easily have Top 10 potential playing a Philadelphia team that can’t run, can’t pass and more importantly have thrown in the towel.  Washington’s secondary is abysmal, but it won’t matter.  We like their chances to score a TD in this one.

2. Sam Bradford, QB STL (26%Y!) – He is certainly a hard guy to trust.  The Machine wonders if the Rams regret not drafting RG3…..because they should!  But given the match-up, Bradford could deliver a respectable stat line for you this week.  If you’re in a jam, roll with the former No. 1 overall pick (over the likes of Cutler, Flacco, Rivers, etc.)

3. Brandon Gibson, WR STL (18%Y!) – Well, somebody has to catch all those Sam Bradford catches, right?!  Sure, it makes us a little queasy recommending to Rams this week, but he’s developed nice chemistry with Bradford the last couple of weeks (12/176/2) and TB is a mess right now.  5/75 with a score perhaps isn’t out of the question.

4. Ronnie Brown, RB SD (9%Y!) – All apologies if you have to start Ronnie freaking Brown this week!  But with Ryan Matthews out you could do worse.  A little more appealing in a PPR format……don’t expect more than 50 total yards, and 3-4 catches. 

Others who could come through: Mike Tolbert, RB (7%Y!), Ben Watson, TE (4%Y!), Mike Goodson (4%Y!), Rod Streater (4%Y!).

Just Win, Baby!

Week 16 Staff Picks – ATS

Posted on by
Reply
Games Roid Rage Ginger King Results
Last week (Year to date):
11-5-0 (62-53-3)
9-7 (63-52-3)
  
Atlanta (-4) @ Detroit Atlanta  Atlanta  Atlanta by 13
San Diego @ NYJ (-1) San Diego  San Diego  SD by 10
Minnesota @ Houston (-9) Houston  Minnesota  Minny by 17
STL @ Tampa Bay (-3) St. Louis  St. Louis  STL by 15
New Orleans @ Dallas (-1) New Orleans  Dallas  NO by 3
Washington (-7) @ Philadelphia Washington  Philadelphia  Wash by 7
Indianapolis (-7) @ Kansas City Indy  Indy  Indy by 7
New England (-14.5) @ Jacksonville Jacksonville  New England  NE by 7
Cincinnati @ Pittsburgh (-3.5) Cincy  Cincy  Cincy by 3
Buffalo @ Miami (-4.5) Buffalo  Miami  Miami by 14
Oakland @ Carolina (-9.5) Carolina  Oakland  Carolina by 11
Tennessee @ Green Bay (-13) GB  Tennessee  GB by 48
Cleveland @ Denver (-13.5) Cleveland  Cleveland  Denver by 22
NYG (-1) @ Baltimore NYG  NYG  Baltimore by 19
Chicago (-5.5) @ Arizona Chicago  Chicago  Chicago by 15
San Francisco @ Seattle (PK) SF  Seattle  Seattle by 29
 
Lock & Load!
RR: NYG (-1), Buffalo (4.5), Chicago (-5.5)
GK: San Diego (+1), NYG (-1), Minnesota (+9)

Tuesday Teabag, December 18, 2012 – Jerry Jones & The Dallas Cowboys….

Posted on by
Reply

…because what’s one without the other, right Jerry?! The Machine has refrained from handing out this award to Jerry in the past.  God knows he could have racked up a handful of TT awards; be it his late game sideline pace, despicable draft selections, shameless self promotion or preseason cackling.  This crusty old dimwitted bastard deserves all the scorn and ill-will directed his way.  The only reason he hasn’t received this award is because we’d rather not feed the flame of his ego.  You know damn well that the guy with the biggest stadium, biggest jumbotron, biggest “personality” in sports, has the biggest trophy shelf.  And since the Cowboys haven’t won shit in the last decade, Jerrah will take any and every award he can get his oily little hands on.  So with great reluctance we present you this award, because we just can’t hold back any longer.

Pay attention kids, this is a story on how not to show brevity, honor, respect and leadership during a difficult situation.  On December 8th, at 2 am (a mere 32 hours before kickoff of the Cowboys-Bengals game) after a heavy night of drinking, Josh Brent lost control of his vehicle, allegedly hitting a curb at high-speed causing his car to flip at least once.  His passenger, practice squad player and close friend Jerry Brown, died as a result of injuries sustained in the crash.  An eyewitness report claims that Josh Brent sat roadside, watching his flipped vehicle burn while cries of help from his trapped friend went unregistered.  Only after repeated and forceful pleas from the eyewitness did Josh pulled his friend from the burning wreckage before it was completely engulfed in flames.  It’s a horrific scene and all too frequent tragedy that claimed such a young (25) and promising life.

The Cowboys, undoubtedly playing with heavy hearts and cloudy minds, beat the Cincinnati Bengals on December 9th.  In his post game press conference, “Head Coach” Jason Garrett spoke candidly and frank about the difficulties and emotions his team was battling.  He shared some of his memories of Jerry – what kind of player and person he was and what he meant to the team.  The Machine was rubbed the wrong way when Garrett found a way to slid in that his team “found a way to win”.  Coach, when one of your players dies on Saturday, it’s not about winning or losing on Sunday.  It’s not about football at all.  You could honor Jerry’s life just the same had you not beaten the god damn Cincinnati Bengals.  But in light of the situation we give you a free pass on that one.

But we sure as hell aren’t giving you a free pass for the debacle this past weekend.  Apparently, Josh Brent didn’t have anything better to do on a Sunday afternoon (well, the clubs weren’t open yet and church is for suckers) so doesn’t dear old Josh decide to show up to the Cowboys game…On. The. Sideline. WHAT?!  The only thing more despicable than Brent showing up is the fact that nobody stopped him!  Nobody.  Did not the guard at the front gate, or the kid stocking the nacho warmer, or an usher, or maybe like a fucking team executive, stop to think that maybe, just maybe it wouldn’t be such a great idea to let big ol’ Brent roam the facilities?!

After receiving the equivalent of a social media kick to the groin, the Cowboys brain trust went into full damage control.  Initially they reported that they had no idea that Brent was on the sidelines until pre-game warm-ups, at which point the impending game was too important than the 300 pound (alleged) felon who just killed a fellow teammate less than ten days prior.  Of course this claim was a boldface lie, as later reports indicate that dozens of players had talked with Brent and encouraged and supported him to join them at the game.  I’m willing to bet some of Jerry Jones monopoly money that he knew Brent was going to be at the game.  Hell, it wouldn’t surprise me one bit if Jones himself was the driving force behind the appearance.  Think about it.  You’re the Owner.  You have FULL and unyielding control of everything.  Everything!  If you want your coach to wear a wig and a clown nose, so be it.  Want to see a punt on second down, pick up the phone.  Want your son-in-law to clean your glasses for you because you can’t be bothered?  Your wish is your command.  Having Brent on the sideline was going generate press and show everyone that the Cowboys were a united team!

As public (negative) pressure mounted – the CBS crew absolutely crushed the Cowboys – Jerry and crew hatched what they considered a fool-proof cover.  At his Monday presser, Jerry’s favorite puppet explained that the Cowboys were simply following the wishes of the Jerry Brown’s mother, Stacey Jackson, who wanted the team to support Josh and keep him involved as much as possible.  Okay.  Our sympathies’ are with Ms. Jackson and all, but we aren’t buying this.  Not one bit.  You mean to tell me that a billion dollar corporation, financed largely by television revenue and the millions of weekly consumers tuning in, is going to let the mother of a deceased employee call the shots and dictate their policy?!  Sorry, but we call bullshit on that.  And we call bullshit to the fact that Jerry and his cronies are hiding behind the victim’s mother.  The whole thing stinks!   In fact, the stench must have been unbearable at JerryWorld, because today the Cowboys announced that Josh Brent will no longer be allowed at the facilities.  A day late, ‘boys.

RIP ‘Decal 53’…you deserve better.