Admittedly, it’s a slow week for teabags.  No significant arrests or other acts of tomfoolery to note.  In fact, the sports world has been pretty good natured and caring this week.  Louisville’s NCAA Championship, drawing inspiration from Kevin Ware?  Great storyline and impressive display of resolve by the Cardinals.  That video of Jack Hoffman, the 7 year old cancer patient who scored a touchdown during the Nebraska Cornhusker spring practice?  Downright heartwarming (see, The Machine has a sensitive side).  But fear not:  like a free lunch, there’s no such thing as a week free of teabags, and when in doubt, look for a famous athlete’s intra-family squabble.

That’s right, this week’s teabag focuses on the family of Johnny Unitas, and the making of the upcoming “hit” movie, Unitas We Stand (for horrible clichés).  Without knowing anything more about this movie, The Machine knows this has “straight to DVD” written all over it.  Sure, Johnny Unitas was a great player, an icon for his era, and the 1958 NFL Championship game against the Giants has been called the greatest game of all time.  But I’m going to need a little more than that.  Don’t get us wrong.  Johnny Unitas is a legend, but if you’re going to make a (successful) nonfiction movie about sports that occurred before 1980, there needs to be drama, Gene Hackman, or Will Smith.  Hoosiers.  Raging Bull.  Ali.  Now those are compelling sports stories (add 42 to that list too because that fits the mold as well).  Sorry, but we’re just not feeling it here, and we love sports movies (still waiting for Mighty Ducks 4).

But the snoozefest and inevitable Razzie award winner that this movie’s about to be isn’t the real story.  The real story involves the Unitas family itself.  Apparently, Johnny Unitas was as proficient off the field as he was on it…siring 8 kids via two marriages (Johnny just upped his street cred).  And this is where it gets good.  A fight is brewing between the children of Unitas’ first marriage (Original Recipe Unitas) and the children of his second marriage (Extra Crispy Unitas).  And it centers around who will play the coveted role of Johnny U.

You see, Joe Unitas (Extra Crispy Unitas) casted Joe Flacco to play the part of his dad.  This did not sit well with John Unitas Jr. (Original Recipe Unitas), who called Flacco a “goofball” and not worthy of playing the role.  Choosing Flacco “is a joke” claimed John Unitas Jr., who argued that the part should have gone to Peyton Manning.  J.C. Unitas, an Original Recipe grandchild, took his argument to Facebook, calling Flacco an “embarrassing choice.”  Also, Unitas’ second wife, Sandra, unsuccessfully sued John Unitas Jr. over control of Unitas Management Corp., which controls the rights to Johnny Unitas’ name.  Now who doesn’t want to be at that Thanksgiving dinner table?

So who’s right?  Well, Peyton is clearly more Unitas-like.  An iconic figure and living legend, he played for the Colts (Johnny’s team), broke all of Unitas’ team passing records, will go down as one of the best to ever play, and is camera friendly (is there a commercial he’s not in?).  But Flacco’s no slouch.  He’s the current “it” quarterback:  Superbowl MVP, plays for Baltimore (Johnny’s city), and (for now) is the highest paid QB in the game.  Flacco’s knock, despite just winning the Superbowl, is that he’s not one of the greats (he’s not even Top 5 of current QBs, let alone of all time). 

The Machine’s no movie critic (we thought Beer League got snubbed) but we got a suggestion:  hire a real actor.  That’s their job.  Sure, Peyton’s no stranger to the camera, that dude can sell Papa John’s pizzas like no one else, and he killed it on SNL, but does he have the chops to act on the big screen?  And Flacco, what does he know about playing like an elite quarterback?  Kind of like asking Octomom for parenting advice.  That would be one hell of an acting job on his part.

Seriously, could there be a more first world problem:  which superstar NFL quarterback gets to play my dad?  And while The Machine prefers to watch family dramas unfold via Maury (the results are in…you ARE the father) these classy folks will forego daytime television and go straight to the courtroom.  Ironic, because if this movie ever gets made, that’s exactly where it’s going.  We’re guessing Original Recipe Unitas files an injunction against Extra Crispy Unitas to block the release of the film, thus dragging this fight out for years. 

Bottom line:  nothing says “I love you dad” more than publicly tarnishing the family name. 

Enjoy your teabag.

By now, I’m sure you know the story.  Rutgers has suspended (read: will fire soon) head basketball coach Mike Rice for a series of verbal and physical attacks on his current/former players.  Shockingly, there is a wealth of video evidence corroborating this.  Not only does he physically assault players by pushing and throwing things at them, but he also slings an impressive amount of vulgarity at them (even The Machine cringed at some of those words).  More than just vulgarity (who doesn’t like to drop f-bombs at the office?) his verbal attacks are simply degrading and homophobic.  There is no excuse for his actions.  There’s also no excuse for the actions of his (soon to be sued) employer, Rutgers University.

Back in July, then Director of Player Development Eric Murdoch informed (soon to be former) Rutgers Athletic Director Tim Pernetti of Rice’s actions, and how 3 players have left the team based on his outrageous conduct.  The AD kindly responded by (according to Murdoch) firing him.  Rutgers claimed they simply decided not to renew his contract.  The Machine’s no attorney (actually, we are) so characterize it however you want, but the temporal proximity to Murdoch informing his employer and his employer firing/not renewing his contract raises some serious eyebrows.  The Machine can smell a wrongful termination action.

Despite this knowledge, Rutgers allowed Rice to continue coaching, and it wasn’t until December when he was suspended for 3 games and fined $50k for “inappropriate behavior and language.”  That’s kind of like saying Kevin Ware suffered a minor leg injury last week (it’s just a flesh wound). 

Anyway, as late March, the AD was staunchly in Rice’s corner.  Quote, “[o]f course he’s coming back.”  The Machine’s not sure why Pernetti is showing such loyalty to Rice, but it’s likely one of his last decisions as AD.

Bottom line:  Rutgers has no choice but to fire Rice [update: Obviously Rutgers University is a reader of The Machine because, minutes after posting, Rice’s status has been updated to fired].  They also have no choice but to fire Pernetti too.  In the face of such damning evidence, merely calling such conduct “inappropriate” and dismissing his antics as that of an intense coach is a gross misrepresentation.  That, coupled with firing/not renewing the contract of the individual that brought this to your attention, reeks of a coverup, and exposes your employer to legal liability.  If those aren’t grounds for termination, then The Machine would like to apply for any job at Rutgers. 

What makes Rice’s conduct even more stupid (if that’s possible) is that he must’ve known his practices were being recorded.  This ain’t the 1980’s (or even the 90’s) where maybe there’s one grainy video lying around or a still shot.  We live in the land of social media.  Of course your practices are recorded.  Knowing this sends the message that he thought his conduct was within the bounds of acceptable behavior.

Which brings The Machine to another point.  There are those in the media who want to draw similarities between Mike Rice and Bob Knight.  In fact, this morning, The Machine exchanged twitter barbs with a Yahoo! sportswriter on this very topic.  In their minds, employing their best SAT logic skills, Bobby Knight was hard on his players, Mike Rice was hard on his players, ergo, Bobby Knight and Mike Rice are the same.  This is simply unfounded, and nothing more than the type of surface level analysis that fills The Machine with rage.

Let’s be clear:  we’re not excusing Knight’s behavior.  Clearly, he’s no choir boy.  He was over the line when he put his hands on Neil Reed (sensationalistic journalists call it choking), and there’s also game tape footage of him yelling at his players…even his own son.  But yelling at your players as a way to motivate is substantially and fundamentally different then humiliating and degrading your players for the fun of it.  Bobby Knight coached passionately, used vulgarity quite liberally, but there was a bigger purpose behind his words.  He wasn’t doing it to degrade his players, he was doing it to motivate and get the most out of his players.  The same cannot be said for Rice.  There’s no way his actions can be perceived as motivation. 

Sure, Bobby Knight probably called his players assholes, and even watching him on ESPN now, you can tell he’s pretty ornery and mean.  But being mean is not the same as being degrading and humiliating.  It’s just not.  Coaches are never going to be emotionless, politically correct people that don’t keep score and end every practice with hugs.  Coaches (in any sport) will ride their players to get the most out of them.  Every coach coaches through fear.  Some more than others.  It’s a fine line.  Bobby Knight walked that line (sort of), Mike Rice wasn’t even close to the line.

Need more proof:  Knight’s players, by and large, are fiercely loyal to him, and credit him with turning them into more than just players.  Just look at quotes from former players like Quinn Buckner and Isiah Thomas.  Also, Knight is the ultimate teacher of the game.  Just ask Coach K.  Have you seen any fiercely supportive statements by former players of Mike Rice?  Not so much.  Instead, you’ve seen a laundry list of players that have left the program during Rice’s (largely unsuccessful) 3 years at Rutgers. 

And if you need more proof that Bobby Knight, in his heart of hearts, is a good and honest man who loves his players, read this.  Bobby Knight doesn’t defend his conduct because he doesn’t give a shit what you think.  That may make him mean, but it doesn’t make him Mike Rice.

Anyway, the real focus here is on Mike Rice, Tim Pernetti, and Rutgers.  When the full story unravels, it will seem amazing that he lasted 3 years.  Sure, he’ll probably get another chance to coach in a couple years, after going through anger management counseling and we’re guessing a TV interview next to his wife talking about how he found God and is a new man.  Until then (and probably even after then), he and Tim Pernetti are well deserving of this award.

 Enjoy your teabag.

For our legion of SU basketball fans, this week’s Tuesday Teabag is extra special, just like you.  As SU prepares for the Sweet 16, let’s recap:  It seems like ages ago, but remember the Big East Championship game (which was only a mere 10 days ago)?  Cuse was playing Louisville, up 16 in the second half, and then all hell broke loose.  They had no answer for Pitino’s pressure trap, couldn’t buy a bucket, and completely fell apart.  They ended up losing by 17, a 31 point swing in about 15 minutes (read:  50 minutes real time).

That collapse was fresh in the minds of the Selection Committee, as they handed Syracuse a 4 seed…matching them up against the Montana Grizzlies.  On top of that, there are rumors that the NCAA is close to handing down major sanctions against the program for multiple violations (let me guess:  players actually weren’t going to class). 

Anyway, all of this turmoil led our friend Seth Davis, a writer from Sports Illustrated and CBS analyst during the NCAA tournament (who, by the way, we are big fans of), to boldly claim that Syracuse would lose to Montana in the first round.  The result:  Syracuse won by 47, absolutely smoking Montana.  How lopsided was it?  If Syracuse didn’t score a single point in the second half, they still would’ve won by 4. 

Look, we’re not mad at Seth for going out on a limb and (attempting to) pick an upset.  If you recall, we ragged on Seth Greenberg last week for picking all #1 seeds to get to the Final Four (FYI, we told you Gonzaga sucked).  Upsets happen all the time…it’s what makes the NCAA Tournament so special (are you listening college football?).  And we certainly don’t want to discourage the “experts” picking the underdog.  But when you pick an upset, and not only do they not upset, but suffer the largest measure of defeat in the NCAA tournament in more than 25 years…then you just look silly. 

Now, in Seth’s defense, he was a good sport about it.  After making his pick, he made a bet with Syracuse radio DJs Gomez and Dave (sidebar:  who knew there were radio DJs in Syracuse besides Ted and Amy?) to wear an orange wig if Syracuse won…and true to his word, he did.  Smart move on his part…take the focus off the fact that you made the Worst.  Prediction.  Ever.  and instead turn it into something funny.

Point is:  if you’re going to pick an upset, do your homework, which must consist of more than what happened in their last game.  And you know what’s really ironic?  What if Syracuse didn’t blow that lead against Louisville in the Big East Championship?  Likely, they would’ve been seeded higher than 4, possibly a 2, perhaps switching spots with Georgetown.  What happened to the Hoyas this week?

Anyway, we’re not saying the Cuse is going to win it all.  They got a tough match up against Indiana on Thursday (oh Keith Smart, we have not forgotten about you).  But when you predict a blizzard, and instead it’s sunny and 72, you need to be put in your place.  And that’s where The Machine comes in. 

Enjoy your teabag.

UPDATE:  Syracuse 61, Indiana 50.  Break out that wig again Seth!

Yes sir.  It’s time for the greatest two weeks in sports.  How good is March Madness?  So good, in fact, that there’s an increase in male vasectomies just so guys can spend a weekend on the couch and not be bothered.  #geniusmarketing.  So many games, so little time.  But with the good comes the bad.  Like the annoying guy in your IT Dept. who all of a sudden becomes a Bracketologist.  And how about the real sports analysts that actually call themselves Bracketologists.  Note to self, if you have to make up your own nickname, it’s not cool (notable exception to Black Mamba). 

Anyway, as awesome as March Madness is—don’t worry, The Machine will be here for you to help fill out your brackets with our Final Four picks and upset specials—it’s not free from a teabag.  So here are a few teabagable March Madness moments.

Gonzaga a 1 Seed?

On the surface, there’s an argument that the Zags are worthy of a #1 seed.  For starters, they’re the only team in the NCAA with more than 30 wins…amassing an impressive 31-2 record, and went undefeated (16-0) in conference play.  However, The Machine and its hard hitting research department is anything but surface level.  Our bullshit radar (like our gaydar) is impeccable, and we’re here to say the Selection Committee got it wrong.

Sure, Gonzaga deserves a high seed…perhaps as high as 2.  But a number 1 seed?  Sorry, but The Machine’s not buying it.  Of their 33 games this season, the Zags played 3, yes 3, against teams ranked in the Top 25:  Illinois, Butler, and Oklahoma State.  Their record?  1-2 (with the one win a one point victory over Oklahoma State).  All three of those teams made the tourney, Oklahoma State as a 5 seed, Butler a 6, and Illinois a 7.  So, when they actually had to play real teams, they struggled.

But what about that 16-0 conference record?  Shouldn’t that count for something?  Not really.  Not when that conference is the West Coast Conference [insert east coast bias here].  Seriously, you think games against Loyola Marymount, Santa Clara (sans Steve Nash), Pepperdine, and the Portland Pilots really prepared the Zags for the tourney?  Who knew Portland had another college team besides the Trailblazers? (zing!)  Sorry, but a 16-0 record should be expected, not rewarded.

We’re not saying Gonzaga isn’t good…but a number 1 seed is clearly a stretch.  Who then, is worthy?  Easy.  How about Miami or Ohio State [east coast bias in full swing].  The Canes won the regular season and conference tournament in the ACC…a/k/a a real basketball conference.  Miami was also 3-2 against the Top 25, with one of those wins coming against then number 1 ranked Duke.  And Ohio State?  Sure, they were 5-7 against the Top 25, but more than a third of their games were against ranked teams.  They also play in unquestionably the toughest conference in basketball, the Big 10.  The only knock against the Big 10 is that there are 12 teams (note: do not hire anyone from Ohio St. as your accountant).  Ohio State’s display of dominance in the Big 10 tourney is incredibly more impressive than Gonzaga’s WCC trophy (which is probably just a ribbon).

Perhaps the best argument for Miami or Ohio State.  Would you take Gonzaga over any of those teams right now?  Didn’t think so.

ESPN Bracketologists

As a general rule, all Bracketologists are annoying…mainly because they found a way to get paid to talk about college basketball and make predictions that no one will remember.  Talking about sports with no accountability is The Machine’s dream, and we’re jealous of them.

But something else irked The Machine.  During ESPN’s non-stop Selection Sunday coverage, after the brackets were announced, the “expert” Bracketologists went to work.  ESPN spared no expense in its coverage…there were projection screens, touch screens, and a full panel of Bracketologists.  The only thing they cut corners on was worthwhile analysis.

Seth Greenberg, in dramatically making his final four selections, picked the following teams:  Louisville, Gonzaga, Kansas, and Indiana.  Really?  All the #1 seeds?  I sat through 12 hours on nonstop college basketball to watch you pick all the favorites?  Forget the fact that it’s only happened once (2008) since the tournament expanded to the 64 team format in 1985, but come on man.  Get creative Seth.  I’m not saying you have to pick the South Dakota St. Jackrabbits to reach the Final Four, but certainly you can do better than picking all the favorites.  I’m guessing Seth’s combination to his luggage is this.

Notre Dame

The Fighting Irish are included solely on the basis of their hideous uniforms.  Now, The Machine’s not exactly fashion forward (we wear hoodies year round) but holy shit those uniforms are God awful.  The only good thing is that we’ll only have to look at those uniforms for one more game.  #gocyclones.

There you have it.  Check back tomorrow for our Bracket busting tips, upsets, and Final Four predictions.

There are certain truisms The Machine lives by:  Only good things happen with Coors Light, snitches get stitches, and if she fucks on the first date, don’t marry her.  These well-tested foundational elements of life are true 100% of the time, unlike stereotypes, which are only true 90% of the time.  You can imagine our horror then, when these guarantees fail us.  It shakes us to our core, and causes us to question everything.

Up until last week, The Machine had another truism it swore by:  if you’re the #1 team in the country and lose, you’re no longer the #1 team in the country.  Sounds simple right?

Last week was a crazy week in College Basketball.  4 of the top 5 teams and 6 of the top 10 teams lost.  The Top 5 teams were (in order):  Indiana, Florida, Michigan, Duke, Kansas.  All of them lost, except Duke.  Not only did Indiana lose but they lost to unranked Illinois.

However, imagine our shock/horror/rage, when The Machine opened up Monday’s paper and saw the new top 5:  Indiana, Duke, Miami, Michigan, Gonzaga.  Indiana’s still #1?  How is that possible?  Did they get participation points?  How can you lose (to an unranked team no less) and still be considered the number one team in the country?  And, to make things even more ridiculous, how does Illinois not crack the top 25?  You’re telling me Colorado State, with that thrilling win over (unranked) Nevada, gets to break into the top 25 but not a team that beat #1?  It makes no sense.

These rankings are, to be professional about it, total horseshit.  They’re completely arbitrary, not like that infallible BCS computer ranking system.  Seriously, what purpose do they serve?  They’re no longer a barometer for placement in the NCAA tourney…RPI, BPI, conference tournaments, and Joe Lunardi have taken that over (seriously, he calls himself a Bracketologist).  So what, then?  National pride for your school?  Bragging rights?  Maybe.

Perhaps they do/did serve some purpose, but not anymore.  Being #1 in the country means nothing, other than you’re probably going to lose.  For the past six consecutive weeks, the #1 team lost, and for the first five weeks, that also (logically) meant they lost their #1 ranking.  Two weeks ago, when (then) #1 Michigan lost to (then) #3 Indiana it dropped Michigan to #3 and propelled Indiana to #1.  If losing to the #3 team in the country knocks you out of first place, how does losing to an unranked team not?

We’re either in an unprecedented year of basketball parity, or the people ranking these teams are clueless (“hey, which Big Ten/ACC team you want to make #1 this week?).

Point is, even with parity, if the rankings are to have any meaning, they have to have real consequences and rewards.  Thus, The Machine thinks the following should happen, ASAP:  if the #1 team loses, they automatically drop to (at least) #10, and there they can claw their way back to the top.  Falling to #3, or in Indiana’s case, remaining #1, has no real consequences at all.  Likewise, if you’re unranked and you beat a top 10 team, you’re in the top 25.  This gives hope to teams that pull off a huge upset, like Illinois, who also beat #18 Minnesota last week, yet are still on the outside looking in.

Rankings need to send a message, and that message shouldn’t be the “if you had fun you won” mantra that’s currently being taught to our children and ruining our sports culture (seriously how am I going to bet on my son’s little league games if they don’t keep score)?  By providing real rewards and consequences, the rankings would all of a sudden become relevant again.  The season’s long enough where a team that drops from #1 to #10 can still fight their way back to the top, and by rewarding teams more, it keeps the rankings fluid, allows more teams a chance to get in the top 25, and gives them momentum.

It makes so much sense, that it will never happen.

Yes, the worst day after the Super Bowl is Tuesday.  Not Monday…Monday you’re too hung over to care and still pissed that you were this close to winning the final numbers on your squares (was that safety really necessary?).  Yup, it’s Tuesday, when you’ve sobered up, stopped burping chicken wings and taco dip, that it hits you:  Football’s over.  It’s a horrible feeling…an empty void that can’t be replaced.  It’s like your favorite pet gets killed every February. 

Not to get too overdramatic, but what do you do with your life now?  Well, for starters, you can focus on other things…like the Draft (80 days and counting).  And, you still have us, and we’re not done with the Super Bro™ yet.  So, because we’re not ready to let go, here’s our analysis of the Super Bro™, Teabag-style.

Jim Harbaugh.  Dammit Jim, The Machine was pulling for you.  We knew the Ravens had that look of destiny to them, eerily reminiscent of last year’s New York Giants…they had an up and down regular season, were beset by injuries, had a quarterback many refused to call elite, and were underdogs throughout the playoffs.  We knew that, yet still picked the Niners to win (although did pick the Ravens ATS) because you had that crazy look to you.  On a scale of 1 to bat shit, you registered a solid bat shit.  So, we thought your bat shit crazy (what real journalists would call passion or tenacity) would trump destiny.  The balls of steel you displayed by starting C-Kap and taking the read option to the next level would be too much for Baltimore to handle.  You were the sexy pick…the Fifty Shades of Gray.  It felt right.  So good.  We wanted more…we needed more…give it to us (splashes cold water on genitals).  Umm…moving on.

So, imagine our disgust when, with the game on the line, first and goal at the 7, you shed your Fifty Shades zipper mask and go straight up missionary style:  First down, run LaMichael James (2 yards), second down, incomplete pass to Crabtree, third down, incomplete pass to Crabtree, fourth down, incomplete pass to Crabtree.  Worst of all:  no pistol formation.  No creativity.  In short:  no crazy.  This can only be chalked up to an epic failure on your part.  Forget the holding call…you lost when you lined up goal line formation.  Your crazy is a fine line:  when you win, you’re lauded as a hard-nosed fighter that coaches with his heart on his sleeve.  When you lose, those same antics turn you in to a whining, sniveling, little brother that runs to tattle tale on big brother and creates excuses why it wasn’t your fault.  Listen up little bro, that loss is on you.

Randy Moss.  The (self-proclaimed) greatest receiver ever had two receptions for 41 yards, no touchdowns, and is now 0-2 in Super Bowls.  FYI, Jerry went 5/77/1 in has last Super Bowl, and is the only player ever to catch a touchdown pass in 4 different Super Bowls. #respectJerry

Ray Lewis.  The Machine wasn’t so much rooting for the Niners as we were rooting against you.  Everything you (read: your PR people) have attempted to achieve in the past dozen years rebuilding your image is bullshit.  Sure, it’s going to get you a cushy network job at ESPN, but at the end of the day, you covered up the murder of two men, have 6 kids with 4 different women (#wrapitup), and allegedly used illegal PEDs.  You can’t hide from deer antler spray gate.  Despite your vehement denials, if it is your voice on tape, you will (finally) be exposed for the fraud you are.  We’ll give you 6 years (one year after you get in the HOF) to publish your tell all book, where you’ll finally come out and bare your soul.

Commercials. As a whole, the commercials sucked.  Despite what the left tells you, the Volkswagen commercial is not racist, it’s just not funny.  Bar Refaeli making out with the 30 year old virgin is weird, and is anyone going to drink Bud Black Crown? (no).  Best commercial goes to Taco Bell and the old people breaking out of the nursing home. 

Beyonce.  Despite what the right tells you, Beyonce nailed the halftime show.  #girlgotgame.  Although The Machine will continue to question the use of fireworks in a dome, her performance was by far the best in a long time.  Hopefully, the geriatric halftime shows of the past few years (Madonna, Paul McCartney, Tom Petty) are over, although The Machine is already starting a campaign for Jovi to play the halftime show next year in Giants stadium.

So there you have it…a collection of Super Bro™ teabags, with the exception of Bey, who we’d actually like to teabag.  But fear not.  Even though football’s over, there’s still plenty of teabags to go around, and we’ll be here to bring ‘em to you.