Here comes the crazy!

A clear cut winner this week, as Syracuse Orange Coach Jim Boeheim takes top honors for his antics in coaching with passion costing his team the game Saturday night against Duke.  To set the scene:  Cuse with the ball, down 2, 15 seconds left, looking to go 2-0 against Duke on the year and seeking to avenge their first (and embarrassing) loss at home to Boston College.  Then see what happens:

https://

Now, was this a bad call?  Of course.  It should have been a block.  Basket should have counted and CJ should have gone to the line to give Cuse the lead.  Instead, Boeheim gets a double T, gets ejected, Duke shoots 4 free throws, and they win by 6. 

Make no mistake about it:  Jim Boeheim cost them the game.  Blame the refs all you want (SU fans), but the real fault lies with the Coach.  It was idiotic for many reasons, but worst of all:  Syracuse still had a chance to win the game.  Even with the bad call, Cuse was still only down 2 with 10.4 seconds left.  If you’ve watched any SU basketball at all this year, you know they have a knack of pulling out close games (those Cardiac Cuse t-shirts are selling like hotcakes at Wegmans).  Also, Duke was shaky from the line.  They missed 10 free throws, so it’s no gimme that they would make both free throws if they got the ball back…that’s assuming SU doesn’t force a turnover.  Point is:  with 10.4 seconds to go, the game was far from over.

Who’s bad???

But Boeheim didn’t give his team a chance.  He gave up on them, and in so doing, showed his true character, which, if you haven’t figured it out by now, is a ornery, volatile, take my ball and go home old man.  On the plus side, it gave those creative internet photoshop kids a field day.

Surprisingly though, many Cuse fans The Machine spoke with gave Boeheim a pass.  “He showed his players he’s got their back.” they said. “He’s a passionate coach who wears his heart on his sleeve.” they said.  “He wouldn’t do that if it was an elimination game.”  Well, The Machine’s here to call you out for your blatant homerism.

Why should Boeheim get a pass???  If CJ Fair blew up and got ejected, do you think people would be running to his defense, saying he plays with passion?  No, he would’ve been vilified for acting like a selfish, me-first athlete who can’t control his emotions.  Why should we treat Boeheim any different?  If anything, it’s more excusable for a college player—you know, the teenager/early 20 something year old “student”—to flip out after a call like that.  But not the seasoned, championship-winning coach.  The coach is supposed to have perspective, to understand the bigger picture.  To rally his team when faced with adversity.  Well, Boeheim did the exact opposite:  he gave up, and giving him a pass because he’s the coach is—as he repeatedly reminded the ref at midcourt—bullshit.

Also, his antics overshadowed what is quickly becoming the next great college basketball rivalry.  This was Syracuse’s first trip to Cameron Indoor Stadium.  With Syracuse in the ACC, these two teams will play each other twice a year (and likely three times if you include their inevitable matchup in the ACC Championship Game [sidebar:  yes, it will be weird to see SU play in a conference tournament that’s not at MSG, but we digress].

Anyway, when SU and Duke played in Syracuse three weeks ago, it was an epic matchup.  A record-setting crowd in the Dome, 35,000+ screaming fans, and the game did not disappoint.  Rasheed Sulaimon for Duke hit a game-tying three at the buzzer, but Syracuse was able to hold on and pull out a two point victory in overtime.  Now, that game also had a late game controversial call.  With Duke down 1, 12 seconds left in regulation, Rodney Hood went up for a dunk and Rakeem Christmas fouled blocked the shot.  Many people thought a foul should’ve been called.  We’re guessing Coach K thought a foul should’ve been called.  But there’s the difference between Coach K and Coach Boeheim:  Coach K controlled his emotions, and gave his team a chance to win. 

For that reason alone, Coach K will always get the nod as the better coach…not to mention the more wins and national championships. 

But wait, says the passionate, blindly loyal SU fan, Coach Boeheim was bringing his team together, taking the pressure off them, and getting them ready for the NCAA tourney.  First, how metta of you.  Second, really?  How did SU perform in its next game against Maryland on Monday night?  SU barely won against a Maryland team with 13 losses that they should have easily beat.  Not really the rallying cry now, is it?  More telling, let’s here from CJ Fair, SU’s star player on his thoughts on his Coach: 

Leave it to your players to understand the big picture.

Exactly, give your team the chance to win.  Instead, Coach Boeheim proved to the world he’s nothing more than a poor man’s Bobby Knight.  At least learn how to take your jacket off or throw something.

Enjoy your teabag.

We’re midway through the Sochi Olympics, and boy, are there a lot of teabags to dole out.  As many as are being delivered in the Olympic Village?  Probably not, but there’s enough…from the shoddy accommodations to the creepy mascot, to spring-like conditions.  Here are some other teabagable moments from the Games.

Ice Dancing

The Foxtrot is still lame, even on ice.

Seriously, what the fuck is this?  The Machine can get down with some pairs figure skating, and the individual programs, but ice dancing?  Why is this an Olympic sport?  Is it really necessary?  Side note:  it’s been an Olympic sport since 1976.  Really?  Why?  To help answer this, The Machine was able to get ahold of the transcript from the recent IOC Meeting discussing its inclusion in the Sochi Games.

[IOC Chair]:  Ok, gang listen up.  We got a serious problem.  It’s with the figure skating competition.  It’s too manly.  We need to gay it up.  Suggestions?

[IOC Member, likely from France]:  How about Ice Dancing?  Let’s really focus on that this year.

[Russian Delegate]:  Does it involve the gays?

[Everyone]:  (Snicker, snicker, cough, cough) No (wink).

[IOC Chair]:  Sounds promising, but is it gay enough?  Tell me more.

[French Delegate]:  There are no jumps, just artistic skating.

[IOC Chair]:  Yes…

[British Delegate]:  To show tunes.

[IOC Chair]:  Go on…

[Canadian Delegate]:  And instead of spins, we call them twizzles.

[IOC Chair]:  Perfect!

[USA Delegate]:  And we’ll have Johnny Weir anchor the NBC coverage.

Did Johnny Weir rob my Grandmother’s closet?

[IOC Chair]:  Fierce!

Unless you’re hoping for a nip slip, there’s no reason to watch Ice Dancing.  If they replaced the show tunes with some power ballads…maybe.  At least it’d be a step in the right direction. 

Who farted on Bob’s pillow?

Bob Costas

Bob’s no stranger to a teabag.  We hit him up in 2012 when he used halftime of the Sunday Night Game to pontificate about gun control.  Well, he’s back at it again.

Bob, commenting on the newest sport, Snowboarding Slopestyle, to hit the Olympic Games, had this to say:  “I think the president of the IOC should be Johnny Knoxville.  Basically this stuff is just Jackass stuff they invented and called Olympic sports.”

Dude…the Olympics are like, so dope! Team USA!!!

Really, Bob?  Thanks for the “get your ball off my lawn” moment.  Why has Bob Costas changed from a lovable short guy to an ornery, pretentious, liberal prick?  So you don’t like the Nu Skool sports like snowboarding…they’re not traditional enough to be worthy of Olympic competition?  FYI, snowboarding’s been around since the 1960’s, and it’s been an Olympic sport since the 90’s.  Suck it.

You get the sense that Bobbo’s problem isn’t with snowboarding…but with snowboarders.  They don’t embody the [old white man’s] vision of an Olympic athlete.  Sure, they wear baggy pants, have dreads, listen to Sk8r rock, and probably smoke tons of weed, but you try and rock a Frontside Double McTwist 1260.  Then, try doing that high off your gourd…

If anything, it’s events like Slopestyle and the Halfpipe that are a breath of fresh air for the games.  They are fast and action-packed, unlike some of the other snoozefest events…how captivating can you make cross country skiing, or curling (unless, it’s done by these ladies).

Love the technique here.

Now this is how you legitimize an Olympic sport.

Hey Bob, explain to us how snowboarding is less of a sport than Ice Dancing.  You can’t, but we’re willing to bet that you’re cool with Ice Dancing, because they “look like” Olympic athletes. 

How fitting was it that the United State’s first gold of the Games was in Slopestyle, and Bob was there to announce it and forced to recognize it. 

Jesus Christ man, give it up!

And thank you, NBC, for yanking Bob off the air with his horrible pink eye.  I get that announcing the Olympics is the height of your popularity, but come on man, that shit’s nasty.  To our delight, it set Twitter afire.  Here’s hoping that, in true Jackass style, some snowboarder farted in your pillow. 

Enjoy your teabag.

Leave the BluBlockers at home this weekend, Don.

Usually, Shula’s good for a teabag around Week 8, when he and the rest of the (annoying) 1972 Dolphins pop a bottle of champagne and celebrate the last undefeated team to lose.  Note:  the ’72 Dolphins are the most overrated team of all-time.

Anyway, this week is all about the Super Bowl.  The greatest game for the greatest sport.  And this year, it’s in New York.  [note:  we know it’s actually in New Jersey but we respect New Jersey about as much as we respect Canadians and Cowboys fans.  Apparently, we’re not alone in our treatment of Jersey.]  Yes, an outdoor Super Bowl in the northeast in the winter.  Why?  Because RGI’s a boss, and isn’t afraid to mix things up.  But not everyone’s happy with this.

Cue Don Shula, the perpetually tanned, retired Floridian.  According to Shula, the Super Bowl should be played “in conditions where weather won’t be or might not be something that affects the outcome.”  Shockingly, Miami is top on his list on where it should be.  His other reason for a mandatory warm weather Super Bowl?  The fans.  “You’ve got to give the fans an opportunity to come in ahead of time, enjoy what the town has to offer, enjoy the game and then stay for a couple of days afterwards, and enjoy everything. So if it’s a brutal weather condition in New York, you’re not going to do that.”

The Machine can sum up his remarks as follows:  blah, blah, blah, get off my lawn.  Listen, it’s not my fault your bones have been sucked free of calcium and your standing body temperature is just above dying…but that doesn’t mean holding the Super Bowl in New York is a bad idea.  In fact, it’s a great idea.

Yeah, this game was totally ruined by the weather.

First, who says that the Super Bowl has to be played in pristine weather?  Some of the best playoff games have been played in cold weather.  The Ice Bowl.  The Tuck Rule Game.  The frozen tundra of Lambeau Field.  These have been some of the greatest playoff games ever (Super Bowls included)…so why is it ok to have these games played in cold weather but not the Super Bowl? 

Oh right, the fans, they benefit from a warm Super Bowl right?  Sorry old man, but the fans are actually the biggest benefactors to having the game in New York.  Why?  Because ticket prices have plummeted, meaning regular people can actually go.  So, the Super Bowl is in the greatest city in the world, at bargain basement prices (by Super Bowl standards) and somehow the fans are losing out?  It’s actually giving real fans an opportunity to go to the Super Bowl (I’ve yet to convince Mrs. Machine that it’s a legitimate business expense, but I still got a few days).

It’s all about product placement.

Sure, the VP for Pepsi may not like because he can’t put up his (obnoxious) outdoor display of Pepsi swag (note:  who the fuck drinks Pepsi while tailgating?) and shamelessly self-promote with scantily clad women (ok that is kind of a drawback). (add pepsi pic).  

The Pepsi logo was the 7th thing I noticed here.

Who cares if some advertisers are put out and have to think creatively on how to sell their product (put a heater next to the scantily clad women).  The Super Bowl is for the fans, and you know the NFL knows how to treat its fans right.

So what does the NFL do?  They take over Times Square. The NFL created Super Bowl Boulevard, encompassing 13 blocks in Midtown.  By all accounts, this is going to be the greatest NFL fan experience ever…certainly better than hanging out in a parking lot in Tempe, Arizona. 

A Super Bowl toboggan in Midtown? Sign us up!

Sorry Don, we know old people hate change, and we know you lost the coldest Super Bowl, so maybe that’s why you’re jaded.  Either way, you’re wrong.  The Super Bowl this year (a) is in the greatest City, (b) has the cheapest ticket prices, (c) has the best fan experience, and (d) totally treats New Jersey like the door mat it is.  What could be better? 

Enjoy your teabag (ask your grandson what that is).

Sure, no one shuts you up when they’re all your friends…

Wow, what a weekend of games.  Beastmode and the Seahawks backed up their #1 seed, Peyton proves he’s still the best player in the game, C Kap and the Niners relish the role of evil villain (and look damn impressive doing so), and the Patriots unleash six rushing tds in a beat down of Indy.

[Selfless self-promotion alert]  If you’ve been keeping score (and hopefully betting) with The Machine’s expert picks, you’ll see that this Ginger and Roid Rage nailed it last week, each going a perfect 3-0-1.  Obviously, Vegas Vinny finished last. 

Anyway, this sets up one hell of a Championship weekend.  Niners at Seattle:  the biggest rivalry in the NFL today, and New England at Denver:  Brady v. Manning.  Need we say more?  These games are going to be epic, and we can’t imagine how great it would be to experience them live…and that’s where the teabag comes in.

Immediately after the Niners/Seahawks game was set, the Seahawks announced that they would only be selling tickets to people that live in geographically friendly areas, which, as you can guess, does not include California.  Similarly, the Broncos front office is restricting sales as well. 

Think about that for a second…and then let the rage take over.  Are you kidding me?  This is a classless move by both teams.  It forces Niners and Patriots fans to buy tickets on the secondary market at ridiculously marked up prices.  It’s stupid and low brow, qualities The Machine normally appreciates, but not in this instance.

And where’s the outrage from my Commerce Clause fans? 

It’s especially douchey for Seattle, who boasts the 12^th Man…the loudest stadium in the NFL, where fans cause earthquakes.  If you truly have the best home field advantage, why do you have to pull this gimmick? 

Glad they kept the 12th Man an organic, fan-created idea, and didn’t go all corporate.

Sorry, but you’re the #1 seed in the NFC.  You don’t need to pull some second-rate promotional bullshit that’s befitting a Triple-A baseball team.  It’s almost as bad as Zubaz and a Monkey Night.  Same goes for you, Denver.  You have Peyton Manning and government grade weed.  You don’t need this. 

This is actually genius.

Need more proof this is crazy?  Niners Coach Jim Harbaugh respects it.  Um, last we checked, Jim Harbaugh is a raving lunatic…and if he endorses it, you know it’s crazy. 

The Machine hopes this doesn’t become a trend, but it’s a copycat league, so the chances that this is the only time it happens is remote.  If this does become the new wildcat, we hope RGI and the league will step in and prohibit this.  Nothing says fan friendly like some good old geographic discrimination. 

This just reeks of desperation and insecurity, which is strange coming from the NFL’s two best teams.  You guys are the #1 seeds.  You don’t need any more affirmation. 

What little respect we did have for the 12^th Man [cue east coast bias] has now completely vanished.  It just means they’ll be more Seahawks fans there to watch them lose. 

Enjoy your teabag.

Happy New Year Machine fans.  This year, we promise to bring you more of what you love.  More NFL Draft coverage, more gratuitous pictures of Kate Upton (you’re welcome), and yes, more teabags.  So let’s get right to our first teabag of 2014. Crazy Mom #1 Queary:  Is there a better group of sports fans than drunk moms?  Answer:  No.  They’re fun, totally irrational, DTF, and fiercely protective of their family.  And that was on full display last week at the Sugar Bowl, where Alabama played Oklahoma.  Let’s let the gif do the talking and then we’ll fill in the details: As the story goes, as reported by our friends at Deadspin, Michelle Pritchett, sweet mother of three and an Alabama fan, was at the game with her family and was engaged in some harmless back and forth with some Oklahoma fans.  Then, things quickly got out of control.  As shown on the gif above (and youtube clip below) Michelle – mom jeans and all – launches herself several rows down and lands on top of the Oklahoma crew.  If you haven’t seen it (or even if you have seen it several dozen times, like us, it’s worth a view again): According to Michelle, she was just protecting her family (who was nowhere near danger, btw).  Said Michelle, “It escalated. When they said something to my son, I told them to shut their mouths.  They were telling my son to come down there and ‘do something about it.’ I said, ‘no, that’s not going to happen. This crap needs to stop.”  Michelle then goes full suburban mom, and both apologizes and takes no responsibility at the same time.  “I apologize to the whole Alabama team, to Nick Saban,” she said. “I apologize to the whole Alabama base.  That’s not the way I would normally handle things.  But when he told my son to come down there, that wasn’t going to happen.”  She then added, “Would I take that back? No.  He was out of control.” And, just so we’re all clear, Michelle was not, repeat, not, drunk.  “And I wasn’t intoxicated either.  I want people to know that. I’d had a couple of drinks, but I was not intoxicated.” Bweep, bweep, bweep…there’s The Machine’s Bullshitdar going off the charts.  Of course she was hammered.  That video has white girl wasted written all over it.  Perhaps it’s a cultural thing (The Machine is admittedly ignorant/scared of the South) but if by “a couple of drinks” she means a peanut butter jar of moonshine, then we’d agree she only had a couple of drinks. And we love her justification for jumping into a crowd of people at a sporting event in front of her family.  They [the big, mean Oklahoma fans] told her son to come on down, presumably to fight.  So mom, selfless, good hearted mom who just wants to protect her so (who, btw is nowhere in the video).  Ah, irrationality, a clear sign of drunk mom. Thankfully, more creative people love this story and have put together music montages for our viewing pleasure.  There are several, but we like this one (set to Sweet Home Alabama, heavy metal, and sound effects from Street Fighter) Sorry, one more, for you Miley Cyrus fans (looking at you, Roid Rage)

No one’s good enough for my AJ, not even you Katherine Webb.

Crazy Mom #2 Because one crazy mom isn’t enough…The Machine has another one for you.  We’re staying in the South and with Alabama, apparently a hot bed of milfs crazy middle-aged white women.  Dee Dee McCarron, mother to AJ McCarron, Alabama’s quarterback, is apparently still scorned that her little angel (pronounced “aiinjel”) lost the Heisman to FSU Quarterback Jameis Winston.  And when mom’s mad, she does what all rational people do…Tweet! Yes, after the historic National Championship Game Monday night between FSU and Auburn, truly a game for the ages, Heisman winning QB (and freshman) Jameis Winston was interviewed on the field.  Here’s what he had to say. What a moment for Jameis and FSU.  His remarks were genuine, heartfelt, and humble…three things that very few college freshman are.  However, Dee Dee (with a name like Dee Dee, do you get the sense a troubling day for her involves running out of fresh mint for her mint julep?) not happy seeing some other college quarterback share take the spotlight from her baby, instantly tweeted:

Bitter, much?

Her tweet was quickly deleted, but not before the damage was done.  Now granted, diction may not be Jameis’ strongest suit, but it’s clear what he’s saying, just as it’s clear Dee Dee’s tweet has a not so subtle racial overture.  To clear up any confusion, Dee Dee then tweeted:

Any1 that knows our family knows we r far from racist. My tweet was not in anyway meant that way. I sincerely apologize if it offended any1 — Dee Dee McCarron (@DeeDeeBonner) January 7, 2014

As a general rule, if you have to send out a clarifying message that says “we are far from racist” it probably means you’re not as far as you think.  Is anyone surprised that Dee Dee’s twitter profile reads: “Proud Ma of 4 boys.  Feisty and will defend them to the end.”  Even if the end involves quasi-racist comments to the world.

Enjoy your teabag.