Welcome to Groundhog’s Day!

Wow, The Machine’s finally over our post-Draft hangover (and have just sobered up from our epic Draft Party) and we’re ready to start writing again.  Until it’s appropriate for us to start writing about football (next week) we’ll switch gears and focus on the NBA for a bit.

The Machine was ready to write an article at the beginning of this years’ playoffs (you know, like three months ago), but then we realized:  we already did, last year, when we broke down the 2013 playoffs and (correctly) called a Heat/Spurs Finals.  Seriously, everything we wrote last year is still true.  The playoffs are ridiculously long, and the outcome is predetermined.  Ok, so maybe we got carried away by comparing the Heat to the ’96 Bulls (our bad) but our predictions were not only spot on, but they hold the test of time.  In this case, two years running.

[sidenote:  The Machine just saw a commercial for Coors Light Summer Brew and our nipples are officially hard].

OMFG!!!

Anyway, that’s why the NBA gets a Teabag.  For all the talk about parity in the NBA (Pacers the new #1 seed in the East, the young guns of Golden State, the Clippers revival, blah, blah, blah) the end result is the same:  Heat v. Spurs.  And guess what: the end result of the Finals will be the same.  The Heat will win their third consecutive Championship.  And you were saying what about parity?  [note:  the Spurs winning game three last night does not change a thing, it just adds more “drama”].

The lack of parity is a big problem for the league, much bigger than Donald Sterling (but thanks for the distraction you crazy old codger).  We told you last year the playoffs weren’t worth watching, just tune in to the Finals to watch the Heat win.  Well the same thing holds true this year and, barring MJ returning to the Bulls, will likely hold true next year.  As much as the NBA wants you to believe that anyone can win, it’s just not true.

The gap between the have and the have-nots is the largest in all sports.  Does anyone really think the Milwaukee Bucks will ever be contenders?  To the contrary, the Milwaukee Brewers (who last year finished 23 games out of first place) are now in first place and hold one of the best records in baseball.  Worst to first is possible in baseball and football, it’s unheard of in the NBA (thank you, guaranteed contracts).

No one will give the Heat a run for their money until Phil Jackson brings Kevin Durant to the Knicks (hiring Derek Fisher = Smartest. Decision. Ever.).  Until then, no one will not want to admit it, but basketball is predictable and boring.

Enjoy your Teabag.

I got 99 problems…nope, now you got 100.

Come on, guys.  This one’s a no brainer.  Nice try Michael Pineda for your Pine Tar Neck trick…but oh no, this Teabag’s all Donald’s.  For those of you who need a refresher, our friends at Deadspin have the audio queued up for your listening pleasure.  It’s worth a listen. On the one hand, The Machine’s not surprised when anyone over the age of 60 makes a racist comment.  Being old is no excuse, but when you hear “80-year-old white guy doesn’t like the blacks”; it’s abhorrent, but not necessarily surprising.  However, when said 80 year old white guy happens to be the owner of the Los Angeles Clippers, well now you got a story.

Who would’ve thought this wouldn’t last?

Donald was (can we stop using the word allegedly now?) recorded by his (now ex) girlfriend, essentially telling her to stop bringing black people to Clippers games and stop openly associated with them.  Huh?  How can someone who’s a multi-millionaire, a successful business owner, the owner of a professional sports team (whose players are predominantly minorities) and who received a lifetime achievement award from the NAACP, hold such bigoted views?  Why is he sharing said views with his (several) decades younger, mixed-race girlfriend?  How does one get a (several) decades younger mixed-race girlfriend?  Did he think that was going to end well? Answer to the above questions:  Money. Money can cure all evils (correction:  now that he’s banned for life from the NBA, money can cure most evils).

You see, here’s the thing about Donald Sterling:  his history of racism, sexual harassment, and general douch-bagedness is well documented.  Like here.  And here.  And here.  And here.  When he received the NAACP Lifetime Achievement Award in 2009, he paid a record $2.725 million to settle a housing discrimination lawsuit, where there were some pretty compelling allegations that he discriminated against minorities, particularly black families.  Why, and how, did he receive a Lifetime Achievement Award from the NAACP?  We believe the answer is also set forth above.  (Note to NAACP:  perhaps you should change your nominating criteria…just sayin’). But society simply could not tolerate this latest go-around.  Because of the audio evidence, and not some settlement agreement where the parties deny any liability but then pay a shit-ton of money, the NBA was forced had to act.  They simply could not turn another blind eye.  And there’s something about comeuppance for an Octogenarian that bangs models that just sits right with us.

Good thing the Clippers owner isn’t here to witness that. #DubNation #BeatLA pic.twitter.com/3quh433cma — Jeremy Gordon (@JeremySF) April 27, 2014

Another question:  Does Donald give a shit?  He’s still rich as hell, and, if when the NBA forces him to sell the Clippers, he’ll make even more money.  And, he’ll still be able to find a (several) decades younger, hot girl to bang.  So, on that level, probably not.  But, for losing corporate sponsors, coupled with total public humiliation and disgrace, probably so.  A man who’s use to buying his way out of trouble can no longer do so.  That’s what The Machine thinks will kill him the most. Anyway, the NBA brought down the hammer on the Donald.  A lifetime ban.  That’s a steep price for one’s views.  But really, how long is that?  Dude’s 80.  And, let’s not fool ourselves to thinking this is over.  Do you think that Sterling’s going to go away quietly?  Do you think he’s afraid of protracted litigation?  If he’s smart, he just goes away.  But, if the last few days have told you anything, doing the right thing doesn’t exactly come natural to him.

Do you think he thinks he’s not a racist because he bangs minorities?  Do you think Thomas Jefferson thought that too?  Yeah, we just went there.

Our final thoughts:  As with most controversies, The Machine hates both extremes, and it’s no different here.   To the freedom of speech, First Amendment idiots (who are presumably Tea Partiers): shut up.  This has absolutely nothing to do with the First Amendment, and if you can’t understand why, well then you are hopeless.  And, for the record, even if it did involve the First Amendment, the First Amendment, and all the other freedoms enjoyed in the Bill of Rights, are not absolute.  Try yelling “bomb” in an airport and then assert your First Amendment Rights.

Also, for the people (mainly liberal media) crying that this should have been done sooner, shut up.  Where were you in 2009 when Sterling was honored by the NAACP?  Where was your outrage?  How come only now it’s obvious?  And give credit to Commissioner Silver for the action he took.  He didn’t have to impose this type of sanction.  He had a wide range of discretion.  He chose to impose the most extreme measure, a $2.5 million dollar fine (the highest allowed under NBA rules) and a lifetime ban.  This is quick, decisive, and just action for a man who’s been on the job for three months (well-played, David Stern). One thing we all can agree on:  the NBA, and aspiring models in Hollywood, are better off without Donald Sterling.

Enjoy your teabag.

How busted is your bracket?  Better or worse than your freshman year slumpbuster?  Sadly, The Machine did not win the Billion Dollar Bracket Challenge (note: turns out that is not an acceptable retirement strategy). 

Anyway, if your bracket is totally toast, it’s likely due to the efforts of the following players, all of whom were highly recruited one-and-done “student” athletes.  Let’s see how these freshmen phenoms fared in the NCAA Tournament.

Who knew Jabari’s number would coincide with Duke’s exit from the NCAA Tournament?

Jabari Parker – Duke

Perhaps the most highly sought after freshman, Jabari was supposed to lead perennial powerhouse Duke back to the promise land…or, at least to the second round.  The third seeded Blue Devils had a matchup with the fourteenth seeded Mercer Bears.  Quick:  what state is Mercer located in?  No peeking…answer:  Georgia.  Duke essentially had a home game, as the game was played in Raleigh, NC. 

Anyway, Jabari was a complete dud.  He ended the game with 14 pts., 7 rebounds, and 0 assists, all lower than his 19/9/1 regular season average.  He was also 0-3 from 3 point range, and just looked lost on the court. 

If he had played up to half of his potential, Duke would have cruised.  Instead, the Atlantic Sun Conference Champions took over the second half, and ended up winning by 7. 

Please don’t leave.

Tyler Ennis – Syracuse

Is there a team player more frustrating to watch than Syracuse Tyler Ennis?  At times, Ennis looked like a league veteran…cool, calm under pressure, and came up big in the clutch. 

Who could forget this one:

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But what a dismal end to the season:  Syracuse finished 2-4 down the stretch, got bounced in the ACC Tournament early, and limped into the NCAA Tourney.  Then, just as Cuse Nation was in the gutter, they absolutely roll Western Michigan in the first Round, winning by 24.  So spirits were lifted, and spirits were lifted even higher when 11^th-seeded Dayton bounced Ohio St.  Now, SU fans saw a clear path back to the final four, and nothing was going to stop this once 25-0 juggernaut.

However, what was supposed to be a cruise control victory for Syracuse turned into a nightmare, and Ennis certainly didn’t help.  While he had a team high 19 pts., he chucked up 21 shots, and was 33% from the field.  Also, he was 0-5 from three.  And, perhaps most damning, he had a shot at the buzzer for the win…a shot that, one month ago, no one would question him taking.

In fairness to Ennis, Boeheim (as The Machine noted) deserves much of the blame for his teams’ collapse.  Clearly, getting ejected losing the game for them against Duke really fired up his squad.

As good as gone.

Andrew Wiggins – Kansas

Last but not least, Kansas stud Andrew Wiggins.  The Number 2 seeded Jayhawks suffered an embarrassing loss to 10^th-seed Stanford on Sunday, and Wiggins was much to blame, shooting a dismal 1-6.  Wiggins, who averaged over 17 points per game during the regular season, finished Sunday with 4 points, 4 rebounds, 1 assist, and 4 turnovers. 

The sad thing is, as awful as these three played…all will be forgotten come the NBA Draft, as all three will be Top 10 picks.  The Machine’s down with one and done athletes…provided they shine on the biggest stage (see Rose, Derrick; see also Anthony, Carmelo).  But when your freshman phenom bombs, they shouldn’t then be rewarded by a lucrative NBA contract.  We hope these three come back for another year, but the chances of that are slim.  Wiggins is gone for sure, probably Ennis too [update:  dammit].  The only one that may waiver is Parker. 

You would think that, after collectively choking in the tourney, that all three would want to come back and give it one more try.  You’d think they’d have that competitive edge and devotion to their alma mater, to want to win.  However, that’s the problem with the one-and-dones.  There is no allegiance or loyalty to the school…the school (and their fan base) are nothing more than an obligatory stop.  To them, you are their slumpbuster.

Enjoy your teabag.