You know the old saying:  teabags come in three.  Well, that certainly holds true this week, as there are a triumvirate of teabagable head coaches. 

First up, Jason Kidd (how much longer can we call him coach?) for his drink spill timeout (see below).  I’ve seen better acting on the CW (don’t hate on The Vampire Diaries and Supernatural).  Kidd was fined $50,000 for his antics but his real penalty is continuing to be coach of the Nets

Next up, Pittsburgh Steelers Coach Mike Tomlin, on Thanksgiving Night, for his inexplicable entrance onto the field, which coincidentally (wink) just happened to be the exact moment Jacoby Jones was running down the sideline returning a kickoff for a touchdown.  Tomlin explained he was trying to get a better view of the jumbotron.  Really?  Were they doing the Kissing Cam?  Is there a better seat in the house than on the sidelines?  The NFL has yet to hand down a penalty, but we all know RGI doesn’t like when people mess with the integrity of the game.  Machine’s guess:  $100k fine (no loss of draft pick) and that’s taking into account Tomlin’s solid reputation.

But the real teabag winner this week is Nick Saban, head coach of the Alabama Crimson Tide.  We’ve all seen the highlights; those of us who watched it live are still in awe.  Here it is again:

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This entire college football season (until Saturday) was summed up as: what team will lose to Alabama in the National Championship Game?  There was this feeling of inevitability.  Saban is the Bill Belechik of College Football (circa 2003), and Bama was just going through the motions on its way to a third straight national championship.  But who knew Saban was actually Bill Belechik circa 2007 (18-1, bitches!).  Make no mistake:  Nick Saban lost that game for Alabama, with a series of questionable coaching decisions.  Late in the fourth quarter, with the Tide up 7, Saban decides to go for it on 4^th and 1 from the 13 yard line, instead of kicking a (short) 30 yard FG.  Sure, his kicker had already missed two, but being up 2 scores is worth it.  FYI, prior to Saturday, your kicker had never missed a FG shorter than 40 yards, so chances are good he hits from 30…or, how about you decide to switch kickers then, instead of bringing the new guy in to try a 57 yard FG when he’s only made one FG in his entire career, which was 20 yards, btw. 

Knowing that there was a good chance that the FG would be short, Saban should have put some players on the field that would be able to defend against a potential return.  He didn’t, and The Machine ventures to guess it’s because of his extreme arrogance and feeling of superiority.  That arrogance and superiority has helped Saban to build his program into what it is (they’re still the best team in the country).  But when that ego grows too large, you begin to think that no one can beat you, no matter what.  Therefore, any decision you make will be the right one.  Sorry Nick, enjoy your big fat piece of humble pie.

It’s not my fault the players choked!

What’s even worse was his comments after the game, where he basically threw his players (read: college kids) under the bus.  On Auburn’s touchdown tying drive with 32 seconds left:  “The corner is suppose to stay with the guy. The corner did not stay with the guy. You have to have tremendous discipline to play against this offense. We made a mental error in coverage that cost us a touchdown.”  Way to stand behind your players.  On Adam Griffith, the redshirt freshman who missed the 57 yard FG:  “Griff makes them from 60 yards in practice so there was a shot.”  Great, so now Griff’s a choker who can’t kick when it counts.  On Cade Foster, his kicker that missed 3 FG during the game:  “The fact of the matter is that we did not make plays when we needed to.  Whether it was a made field goal with a penalty or a missed field goal after that.”  Thanks, Coach, you know that kicker is receiving death threats, right?

The fact that Saban, instead of standing behind his players (how about highlighting the fact that Cade Foster had made 11 consecutive FG and had only missed one all season) and instead of putting the blame on his shoulders, blamed his 18-22 year old players for poor execution is pathetic, and shows that there is no end to his arrogance (he couldn’t possibly have contributed to the loss, right?).  Saban may be revered as God-like in Tuscaloosa, but he showed his true colors in the aftermath of Saturday’s game.  And make no mistake, crazy obsessed Alabama fans:  Saban will bolt as soon as he feels his status as God has been diminished, and will go somewhere that will put him back to God status.  Hello, Texas.

But for now, just live with the fact that he, and he alone, is responsible for ruining your season/life (and McCarron’s chance at the Heisman).  But at lease now you and Nick Saban have something in common:  you’ll both be watching the National Championship on TV this year.

Enjoy your teabag.

Got 99 problems but Cano ain’t one (yet).

We interrupt this NFL season to bring you some news from the diamond.  We’re just two weeks away from Baseball’s Winter Meetings, and things are starting to heat up.  Not familiar with the phenomenon that is the Winter Meetings?  It’s the one time a year where GMs and Execs from all 30 teams get together to discuss current issues in baseball (why no one under 50 watches), potential rule changes (expanded instant replay), and free agents.  There’s more excitement in the Winter Meetings than the first half of the baseball season.  There’s also more bullshit than a Congressional hearing on Obamacare, especially when it comes to free agents.

In the weeks leading up to the Winter Meetings, teams and shameless agents will try to pimp create buzz for their players, in the hopes of striking it rich at the Winter Meetings, or planting the seeds to strike it rich.  And there’s no better example than this than with Robinson Cano.

Cano is the prize jewel of this years’ free agency class.  He’s played his entire 9 year career with the Yankees, and is now looking to ca$h in on free agency.  Sure, he’s a great player that will add value to any lineup.  But is he a player you build your team around?  Is he a franchise player?  Well, if you believe his agents, he’s that and much, much more.

Yes, Cano’s sports agent, led by Jay Z and Roc Nation Sports, are playing crazy hardball trying to drive up the price.  First, they are pushing for a 10 year, $310 million dollar contract.  The Yankees have offered 7 years, $160 million.  $310 million would easily make Cano the highest paid player in baseball, but that’s not even the craziest thing.  No, the crazy part is Team Cano is comparing him to Michael Jordan.  Wait, what?  You don’t throw out an MJ comparison unless you can be damn sure to back it up.  As a general rule, we loathe when people make MJ comparisons…only Kobe comes close.  And in Cano’s case, it’s not even close.

Before we get to the MJ thing, let’s look at some other factors, like stats.  Here’s Cano’s numbers compared to A-Rod’s first 9 full years in the league. 

Cano’s numbers are good, really good, but they’re not A-Rod numbers, and Cano’s looking to crush A-Rod’s 10 year, $275 million contract.  Despite all the hype from Hova, there’s no way he should even come close to getting A-Rod money, and, unless something crazy happens, he won’t.  Here’s why.

Cano as MJ? Not. Even. Close.

Star Power

This is what’s most infuriating with the MJ comparison.  Quick:  when you think of current Yankees, who comes to mind?  How long did it take you to get to Cano?  Be honest.  Jeter, A-Rod, Mo, then maybe Cano (arguably CC, Tex, and Grandy could go before Cano).  It’s not even close when you consider past Yankees.  Ok, now when you think of the Chicago Bulls, past, present or future, how long does it take you to get to Jordan?  Shit, when you think of the word Chicago or basketball, how long does it take you to get to Jordan?  Exactly.

Cano is not an iconic, face of the franchise/league player like MJ.  As the Daily News points out, Cano has the 5^th highest selling jersey for NY players (Christ he’s behind two Mets) and doesn’t even have the highest selling jersey for second basemen, trailing Dustin Pedroia.  Jordan trails nobody, and since the NBA started tracking jersey sales in 1998, Jordan still reigns supreme. 

Age

Numbers don’t lie, and Cano’s on the wrong side of 30.  He’s 31, and seeking a 10 year contract.  Do you think the recent horrible long-term contracts given to star players in their 30’s…like A-Rod and Pujols, are fresh in the minds of baseball execs?  Indeed.  Cano’s got about 5 more consistently productive years left, and then it drops off.  The Machine thinks the best he’ll do is a 7 year deal with a player option for 8, and club option for 9.

No other suitors

Despite being the biggest talent, there’s no market for Cano, because everyone knows his demands are ridiculous.  It’s just the Yankees.  Perhaps the Mets step up as a bidder…they certainly have a strong track record of making horrible baseball decisions.  Quick trivia question:  who’s the highest paid outfielder on the Mets?  Answer:  Bobby Bonilla.  Yes, even though Bobby hasn’t played a game in over 12 years, the Mets pay him over $1 million a year until 2035.  Holy shit.  So, I guess you can’t count the Mets out, but so far it’s only the Yankees, who are wise to sit back and not move from their 7 year $160 million offer.

Jay Z as agent

Jay Z has stepped into the sports agency business, forming Roc Nation Sports.  He’s been acquiring a decent amount of talent, including Victor Cruz, Geno Smith, Kevin Durant, and now Robinson Cano.  Roc Nation Sports seems to not only want to maximize their clients’ sports earning potential, but also their marketing potential as well.  It’s not a novel concept—to maximize the total earning potential of a player—but it’s novel in the sense that marketing and sponsorship opportunities are at the forefront on contract negotiations.  The bad part of that is it narrows your market to only major market cities (it’s no surprise that 3 out of the 4 clients are in NYC).  Side note:  If Jay Z brings Durant to the Knicks, all will be forgiven.  Do you think Jay Z’s going to listen to offer from the Brewers or the Astros?  H to the Hell no.  Being a Jay Z client means you’re limited to NYC, LA, and maybe Chicago. 

Also, Jay Z is currently being investigated by MLB for giving an improper gift to Cano.  You got to think that the NFL, NBA, and MLB are weary about this new cross-over venture, which has the potential to take an athlete’s focus (gasp!) off of playing sports.  If the MLB comes down hard on Jay Z, that could

So, we get that there’s an element of puffery that always occurs with contract negotiations.  But come on, there still has to be an element of good faith and reasonableness, and comparing Cano to MJ defies logic.  It’s completely transparent, and a piss poor attempt to elevate a person to a level where they have no business being.  But Hova’s backed himself into a corner where he has to get close to what they’re asking.  If reality sets in and Cano ultimately accepts a reasonable deal (somewhere around 7-8 years, $160-200 million) Jay Z and Roc Nation Sports are going to look like fools, and this will set the tone with all clubs for future negotiations.  But that’s what you get when you pull the MJ card.  That, and a teabag.

Enjoy your teabag.

Happy Sequential Numbers Day!  Nerd alert:  this is the penultimate sequential number day of the century.  Don’t worry, The Machine’s already planning its 12/13/14 bender.  Until then, let’s talk a little fantasy football.

Way back in August, The Machine gave you 5 names to avoid this season, and, not to toot our own horn but damn we’re good.  Mike Wallace?  1 td.  Arian Foster?  Out for the year.  Hakeem Nicks?  0 tds.  Darren McFadden?  Out.  Joe Flacco?  11 ints in 9 games.  Chances are, if you got one of those guys on your team, you’re struggling.  But these are far from the only disappointing players this year.  In this Tuesday Teabag, we give you 5 additional players who have earned the right be called a bust.

It’s important to note that, when we say bust, we don’t mean players who get injured.  Injuries are part of the game, they’re unfortunate, and sure, they can kill your fantasy team.  But injuries have a sense of finality to them.  When Julio Jones goes down, don’t get mad, get your ass to the waiver wire and pick up Harry Douglas.  But with busts, it’s different.  These are people who had high expectations and are simply underperforming, and in the process are slowly and painfully killing your team week after week.  To make matters worse, (a) you probably spent a high draft pick on them, (b) because they now suck they have no trade value, and (c) you’re forced to continue to play them because, the moment you sit them they’ll have their breakout game.  Do I sound bitter?  It’s probably because 3 of the following 5 assholes are currently on my team. 

Suddenly, Indy’s hoping Vick Ballard heals quickly.

Trent Richardson, RB, Indianapolis

By far, the biggest disappointment this season.  At the beginning of the year, Trent was a late first round pick.  He had a solid rookie year, running for over 1,300 yards, 13 tds, and 65 receptions for Cleveland.  When he got traded to Indy after Week 2, everyone thought this would elevate Trent to a Top 5 running back, including yours truly who quickly traded for him, sat back, and laughed at what I steal I got (and what a steal Indy got, giving up a first round pick for the #3 overall pick 17 months prior). 

Everything was in Trent’s favor:  he was going to a contender, and was going to play the Edgerrin James to Andrew Luck’s Peyton.  At only 22 years old, Trent was the perfect complement to Indy’s offense.  On paper, it was perfect.  In reality (and fantasy) a total bust.  In his 7 games as a Colt, Trent’s rushed for a total of 250 yards, a whopping 35 yards per game, and has barely factored into the passing game, averaging one catch a game. 

Move over sophomore year slumpbuster, trading for Trent is now my biggest regret.

Hey Ray, got any deer antler spray I could borrow?

Ray Rice, RB, Baltimore

Ray has been a huge disappointment this year, both to fantasy owners and Ravens fans.  In nine games, he’s rushed for 289 yards.  His 2.5 YPC are nowhere near his career average (4.4), and he almost has as many fumbles (2) as tds (3).  Ray was a consensus first round pick and, at 26, is in the prime of his career.  Unfortunately, he’s a shell of his former self, and sucking the life out of your team.

Justin’s problem isn’t catching the rock…it’s smoking it.

Justin Blackmon, WR Jacksonville

The wise fantasy football player picked up Blackmon with a late round pick during the draft and waited, knowing that a small 4 game suspension is worth it for a player who was a Top 5 WR the last half of the 2012 season.  Ginger King was so high (pun intended) on Justin that I drafted him in not one, but two, leagues.  And Justin delivered.  When he came off of suspension, Blackmon was an absolute monster, highlighted by a huge 14/190 performance against Denver.  He averaged over 7 catches and 100 yards in his first four games back.  His only problem:  those were his only games of the season.  Justin was suspended indefinitely for his third (yes, third) violation of the NFL’s substance abuse policy, impressive considering he’s been in the league less than two years.  It appears he smokes the rock as good (if not better) than he catches the rock.  We’re hoping Justin gets the help he needs…we’re also helping his (inevitable) trip to rehab goes like this:

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Why won’t Aaron return my calls?

Greg Jennings, WR Minnesota

Does the quarterback make the wide receiver or the wide receiver make the quarterback?  In Greg Jennings’ case, the answer is clear.  After switching from Green Bay to rival Minnesota, Jennings talked some serious trash about his former employer and quarterback.  He was supposed to provide the outside threat that would open up more running lanes for AP.  Instead, Vikings fans have been treated to Troy Williamson 2.0.  He’s averaging an abysmal 3.7/45.5 per game.  Granted, the triumvirate of Christian Ponder, Matt Cassel, and Josh Freeman is horrible, but a #1 WR should be able to put up solid numbers regardless who’s under center.  Christ, Justin Blackmon lit it up (pun intended) with Chad Henne and Blaine Gabbert at the helm.  The only thing Jennings has proven is that he can talk like a #1 WR.

How much weed does $56 million get you? A lot.

Dwayne Bowe, WR Kansas City

After signing a 5 year, $56 million dollar contract in the offseason, much was expected of Bowe.  With only 2 tds and 33 receptions so far, Bowe is averaging a dismal 3.6/41 per game.  Now, we know Alex “Game Manager” Smith will never make a king out of a wide receiver, but Bowe is simply too good to be putting up such wretched numbers.  As if his problems on the field weren’t bad enough, he now has this to deal with.  Puff puff give!!!

Honorable mentions:  Eli Manning, RGIII, CJ Spiller, MJD

If any of these guys are on your team, we feel your pain.  Based on their output this season, the logical thing to do is to bench and/or trade these fools.  However, based on their body of work thus far, you’re never going to get good value for them on the trade market, and dropping them outright is too much of a kick in the balls.  Instead, because of their immense talent and your stubbornness to let go, you’re forced to continue to play them (except Blackmon), wistfully hoping that they will come out of their funk in time to turn your team around.  Good luck with that.

Enjoy your teabag.

Bully, or Employee of the Month?

Yesterday, The Machine awarded our Tuesday Teabag to Richie Incognito (whose name, we’re told, is code for “Dick in Disguise”) for his bullying/harassment of Jonathon Martin and subsequent suspension from the Dolphins.  The story seems simply:  a player with a known history of anger issues and being a douche clown harassed and intimidated a teammate.  Everyone was quick to jump on the “Condemn Richie” bandwagon.  However, this story has elevated to Manti Te’o crazy…we’re learning new things constantly, and it just keeps getting crazier and crazier.  And because journalistic integrity is super important to The Machine, we want to give you the latest, which is this:

Richie Incognito is a victim.

Let that marinate for a second, and then hear us out.  Yesterday, we (astutely) said the following:  “Makes you think that [the Dolphins are] taking it seriously not because they just found out about it, but because everyone else did.”

Bingo!  That’s exactly what’s happened.  Last night, the Sun Sentinel reported that Dolphins coaches instructed Incognito to “toughen up” Martin, and that’s what led to Richie leaving that voice message and his persistent targeting of him.  And the timing supports this.  The voice mail in question was left in April, right after Martin missed two days of (voluntary) team practices.  That’s when Richie, known as the Team Enforcer, was told by coaches to contact Martin to “get him in the fold.”  He did it at the direction of his employer, and now he’s being held out as the sacrificial lamb for doing his job. 

Now, of course the Dolphins will say that they didn’t know what Richie was going to say, they never told him to say those things, and that he crossed the line.  That all may be true, it’s all after the fact, cover your ass bullshit.  Why didn’t the Dolphins ask Ryan Tannehill to reach out to Martin?  Because they wanted to send the right message, and now the Dolphins are doing everything they can to distance themselves from the messenger.

But it’s too little too late.  It’s like hiring Ron Jeremy to teach your son about sex, and then getting pissed when he goes for the money shot on the neighbor’s daughter. 

Richie, get back there and practice that message again, this time with a little more flare!

So how is Richie the victim?  Perhaps he really had changed his ways (or was trying to) but the team kept calling on him to be the Enforcer, the take no prisoners asshole that gets everyone in line.  Maybe he was just doing his job, perhaps overzealously, but still at the direction of his employer.  That explains why there is more support for Richie in the Dolphins locker room than Martin.  He was doing what he was told, for the betterment of the team.  The same team that callously used him and then tossed him aside.

There are a ton of things wrong here, and by wrong we mean actionable conduct that the league will be forced to investigate.  First, the fact that the team is (allegedly) pressuring players to attend voluntary team workouts.  These voluntary practices are exactly that…voluntary, and they are voluntary because that are specifically bargained for in the Collective Bargaining Agreement between the league and the NFLPA.  Any violation by a team of the CBA is a big no-no, what lawyers refer to as a ULP (Unfair Labor Practice).  To use another legal term:  that’s some serious shit.

Also, it seems that the Dolphins not only knew that Richie was harassing Martin, but instructed him to do so.  Can you say hostile work environment?  An employer ordering an employee to “toughen up” another employee is frowned upon, especially when the employer asks someone known as “the Enforcer” to do their bidding.

The Dolphins quick response to this issue, while championed by folks as showing the world that they’re not going to tolerate this sort of behavior, is all a smokescreen, designed to protect the organization.  However, the spotlight has been (rightfully) put on the team, and The Machine’s willing to bet that the Dolphins aren’t going to be able to withstand scrutiny.  We’re thinking fines, potential loss of draft picks, and suspensions from the coaching staff.  Coach Philbin has some explaining to do. 

This has now become larger than Richie Incognito (don’t worry, he’s still worthy of his Teabag).  This has changed from a player (on his own) harassing a teammate into a team-sanctioned policy of violating the CBA and actively assisting in creating a hostile work environment.  Heads are going to roll.

Who knows where this will end, but this much is for sure:  there’s still a lot more crazy to be uncovered.

O’Doyle Rules!!!

When is too much of a good thing bad?  Look no further than this week’s Tuesday Teabag Award recipient, Richie Incognito.  Richie took an innocent thing that is rookie pranks (or hazing if you’re a liberal with no sense of humor) to a whole new level, and in the process is the first player banned for being a bully. #thisaintyourdaddysnfl

Bullying is all the rage in high school, prompting an outpour of anti-bullying campaigns.  #bulliesaremean #stopitdouche.  [sidebar:  The Machine (not so) fondly remembers being ridiculed for our (sweet looking) ginger locks EVERY DAY in high school…way to come late to the party you anti-bullying freaks].  I guess it shouldn’t be a surprise that this behavior exists outside of high school, and it shouldn’t be any surprise that this type of behavior exists in an NFL locker room.  But Richie took it to a whole new level.

Last week, it was announced that Miami Dolphin Jonathon Martin, a second year pro out of Stanford, took a leave of absence from the team after suffering an “emotional breakdown” in the lunch room after he was teased by other players.  [sidebar:  NFL teams have lunch rooms?  Shit, it really is like high school.]  As soon as this story broke, The Machine thought two things:  (1) there’s way more to this story, and (2) Richie Incognito’s involved.

Why would we think Richie’s involved?  First, one look at the guy screams “uncontrollable rage” and “meathead”.  Then, there’s this.  And this.  And this.  And this.  Here’s a nice timeline of his dickbag behavior.  Oh, and Richie is annually rated as one of the most dirtiest players in the NFL.  Yeah, he’s a special kind of asshole.  However, when the story first broke, we thought maybe Martin’s a bit over-sensitive and that his tenure at Stanford didn’t really prepare him for the good-natured ribbing that goes on in the NFL.  Then, we learned that Richie (allegedly) forced Martin to pay $15k to cover the cost for a trip to Las Vegas (that Martin didn’t even go on).  Then, we learned that Richie (allegedly) left the following voice message to Martin:

“Hey, wassup, you half n—– piece of s—. I saw you on Twitter, you been training 10 weeks. [I want to] s— in your f—ing mouth. [I’m going to] slap your f—ing mouth. [I’m going to] slap your real mother across the face [laughter]. F— you, you’re still a rookie. I’ll kill you.”

Wowee.  And, we’re willing to bet that’s just the tip of the iceberg.  The Machine’s money is on a treasure trove of incriminating evidence against Richie.  It’s a combination of (a) Richie’s that dumb to leave voice messages and probably texts and e-mails too, and (b) Martin’s that smart to keep it all.

And Miami had no choice but to suspend Incognito, especially after the (alleged) voice message that made Riley Cooper look like choir boy.  You know that, for the Dolphins to suspend him, the conduct had to be egregious by any reasonable standard.

Why is that?  Because the NFL (and every sports league in the world) tolerates a certain level of hazing.  You always hear of rookies being tied to the goalposts, or having to carry the veterans’ shoulder pads to practice, or picking up the dinner tab for the team.  These things are reported almost matter-of-factly.  Of course that’s going to happen, and we’re ok with that.  These are grown ass millionaires, and the rookies need to be taught a lesson by the veterans.  It’s all about respect.  But, too much of a good thing can be bad.  And in this case, the “good thing” has turned into harassment.

True to his character, Richie refuses to stand down, and, instead of keeping a low profile, has taken to Twitter to defend himself/threaten the media:

@AdamSchefter Enough is enough If you or any of the agents you sound off for have a problem with me, you know where to find me #BRINGIT

— Richie incognito (@68INCOGNITO) November 3, 2013

@espn shame on you for attaching my name to false speculation. I won’t be holding my breathe for an apology

— Richie incognito (@68INCOGNITO) November 3, 2013

@AdamSchefter Stop slandering my name. You hide behind “sources” who are not man enough to put their name behind the BS you report

— Richie incognito (@68INCOGNITO) November 3, 2013

@espn @CBSSports @NBCSports @FOXSports @ProFootballTalk I want my name CLEARED

— Richie incognito (@68INCOGNITO) November 3, 2013

We’re going to go out on a limb here and say that threatening people on social media is probably not the best way to go about restoring your name.  We’re also willing to bet that Richie’s played his last game in the NFL (imminent departure alert:  we bet the Dolphins release him by the end of the week).  But don’t give them too much credit.  It’s easy for the Dolphins and the league to come down hard on him…it’s 100% clear he’s in the wrong, just like it’s easy to cut the bench player that gets popped for a DWI but not the star player.

Clearly someone in the front office watches Glee, because it looks like they’re taking this seriously, however the question remains:  are they really taking it seriously, or are they forced to because of the severity of it?  There are broader questions here for the league to answer.  What about other “normal” rookie participation events, like being tied to the goalpost, carrying shoulder pads, and getting stuck with the dinner bill?  How far is the NFL going to go to police this conduct?  What about last year, when JPP threw Prince Amukamara in the cold tub because Prince was perceived as “soft.”  Is that too much?  Where do you draw the line?

It’s easy to draw the line with Richie (surprisingly, he still has some supporters in the locker room).  The league must be (silently) happy that it’s this clear-cut.  But what about the (soon to be organized) group of people (likely the same people who want Redskins changed) that will argue for anti-bullying laws?  Will the league step in and regulate other conduct that has historically been tolerated/encouraged as “team-building exercises”?  We’re willing to bet that the average NFL fan (and player) would not be in favor of banning (or regulating) the other conduct mentioned above.  It would be viewed by many as a further wussification of the NFL.  A place where tolerance and individuality are appreciated?  Fuck that, carry my bags rook.

And, something that’s being overlooked here, but the Dolphins played off of Richie’s bad-boy behavior?  What do we mean?  Here’s the pre-game video played before Dolphins games:

They knew he was a ticking timebomb, and there’s no way they just became aware of what he was doing to Martin.  Makes you think that they’re taking it seriously not because they just found out about it, but because everyone else did.

It will be interesting to see where the league takes this, but that’s a story for another day.  In the meantime, if Richie wants to play professional football again, he better read a few chapters of The Machine’s book, “The Perception of Compliance” (let’s be honest folks, there’s no way he really going to change, he’s from New Jersey after all).  We’re not sure if he has any small children (biologically or being held against their will) but if he does he should bring them to a playground ASAP.  Cover up the tatted arms and be all smiles while your child (actual or kidnap victim) plays on the see-saw.  Perhaps a photo or two at the Dairy Queen where your faces are covered in chocolate ice cream AND rainbow sprinkles (using both shows your racial and gender orientation sensitivity).  You can bang that out in an afternoon and have plenty of time left in the day to hate minority groups and the gays (% that Richie’s a homophobe:  1000%).

Embarking on an “I’m the victim” campaign ain’t gonna cut it, not when those (alleged) voice mails get leaked, and continuing to threaten people on Twitter probably isn’t the right strategy either.  If he’s smart, he lays low for a while and then comes out with a big mea culpa and a Certificate of Sensitivity Training.  However, we all know that’s a big if.

Enjoy your teabag.

Get off my lawn, punks!

Admittedly, The Machine doesn’t know much about NASCAR, outside of Ricky Bobby and Dick Trickle (he he).  Can anyone explain to us why its biggest race (the Daytona 500, the Super Bowl of NASCAR) is the first race of the year?  What we do know about NASCAR—formed from us having attended one NASCAR race plus our innate ability to accurately stereotype people—is this:.  (i) drinking is required, (ii) smoking is encouraged, and (iii) you can use the phrase “git-r-done” un-mockingly (“come on Kenseth, git-r-done on the outside!”).  Also, 100% of the People of Wal-Mart are NASCAR fans. 

But what we lack in general automotive knowledge (why aren’t the cars automatic, and where are the fucking doors?) we make up in understanding a good old pissing contest, and we got a good one brewing on the track.

Kevin Harvick (or #29 to the NASCAR fan) is a driver for Richard Childress Racing, but not for long.  He’s leaving RCR at the end of the year to sign with rival Stewart-Haas Racing [wait, how can you still be under contract yet already have a deal to go to another team?].  He’s been with RCR for 13 years, so naturally there’s a lot of history between them, and both sides should try and end things on the right note.  Or not.

The future of RCR: Cowboy hats and designer shades.

It seems that the main problem Harvick has with RCR is that he’s being pushed out in favor of Ty and Austin Dillon, who just happen to be Richard Childress’ grandsons.  This all came to a head on Saturday night, during a Truck Series race. [Note: is Truck Series NASCAR?  How can some people race both cars and trucks in different series?]

Harvick was running second with 12 laps to go, and Ty – his teammate – was running third.  Ty, trying to pass his “teammate”, hits him from behind causing an accident.  The accident causes Harvick to finish 30^th (Ty finished 22^nd).  But post-race things got really interesting…as in Jerry Springer interesting.

A pissed off Harvick went to seek out Ty, and, while he was in Dillon’s pit stall [whatever that is] Dillon’s crew member threw a hammer at his truck.  This only added fuel to the fire.  Said Harvick, “I don’t care what they throw at me.  That’s exactly the reason I’m leaving RCR is because you’ve got those punk-ass kids coming up.”  Wanting to make sure his get your ball out of my yard message was received, Harvick continued.  “Exactly the reason why I’m leaving RCR because you’ve got those kids coming up and they’ve got no respect for what they do in this sport and they’ve had everything fed to them with a spoon.”

Hates old people, except Grandaddy Moneybags.

21-year-old Ty, confirming the disdain that the youth of today have for adults, said “I don’t care what Kevin Harvick said.  I don’t think anybody does.”  Harvick did later apologize, but the damage was already done.

The Machine’s take:  this isn’t, excuse me, ain’t the NASCAR we’ve come to know and stereotype.  We thought all NASCAR disputes were settled via a case of Old Milwaukie and a boot to the head…but reasonably explaining your emotions to the media and then apologizing for your comments???  That isn’t, sorry, ain’t NASCAR.  Also, Ty and Austin?  Those ain’t NASCAR names, sounds like they belong at the country club, not the racetrack.  Rusty, Junior, Denny, Robbie.  Those are NASCAR names.  And, lost in all of this was the fact that the Dale Wallace Jr. (great NASCAR name, btw) won the race, becoming the first African-American driver to win a NASCAR race in over 50 years.  What???  Commence mind being blown.

We feel bad for Harvick.  It’s clear he’s being pushed out of RCR for “the future” and it’s clear the future is two spoiled, entitled rich kids, the antithesis of everything NASCAR.  However, if Harvick wants to instill old-school NASCAR values into these young whipper snappers, he needs to do it the NASCAR way: crank up the country, put on your shit kickers, and git-r-done!  The only way you’ll get through to the youth of today is by humbling them at their own game.  We’re hoping Harvick spins out that sumbitch on the track next year.  Rubbin’ is racin’!

Will this controversy get us to watch NASCAR?  Probably not, but, as the most watched sport in America, they’re certainly not hurting for fans.  The most watched sport in America?  Damn, we really are (willfully) ignorant of the rest of the country…perhaps due to our (genuine) fear of the South.  But we do know this:  if you’re ever stuck in a conversation with NASCAR people, or made a wrong turn and ended up in Talladega or a Bass Pro Shop, just utter the following phrase:  “Junior aint’ never gunna be like his daddy!”  That should get you out of most jams.

Shake and bake.

Enjoy your teabag.

Thanks Peyton for all your hard work…dick.

Loyal readers of The Machine know that we love excessive displays of wealth, power, and crazy.  It’s why we love A-Rod, Mike Tyson, RHONJ, and 80’s Hair Metal.  But even we have our limits…and our limit is reached when it comes to Jim Irsay.

Irsay is the owner of the Colts.  He’s outspoken and passionate, loves guitars, and is a huge fan of Twitter.  These things aren’t necessarily bad (ok, a 54-year-old man with a Twitter hard-on is a bit much) but throw in an over-bearing personality that loves to show off his wealth while at the same time professing he’s one of us, and it’s too much.  As an owner, he subscribes to the Jerry Jones School of Ownership Meddling, and that puts him in the middle of our crosshairs.

The Sunday night game featured the (previously) undefeated Broncos at the Colts.  Peyton Manning coming back to Indy to face his old team, you know, the team (and Owner) who thought he wasn’t good enough to keep playing.  Andrew Luck ready to show the world he’s ready to be the next great Colts QB.  A lot of meaningful storylines that added drama to this anticipated matchup.  And then there’s Irsay.

In the weeks leading up to the big game, Irsay wasted no time making sure the Peyton Manning bridge to Indy was completely burned.  In what can only be considered a backhanded compliment, Irsay noted the following in an interview with USA Today: 

“We’ve changed our model a little bit, because we wanted more than one of these,” Irsay says, flicking up his right hand to show his Super Bowl XLI championship ring.

“(Tom) Brady never had consistent numbers, but he has three of these,” Irsay adds. “Pittsburgh had two, the Giants had two, Baltimore had two and we had one. That leaves you frustrated.”

“You make the playoffs 11 times, and you’re out in the first round seven out of 11 times. You love to have the Star Wars numbers from Peyton and Marvin (Harrison) and Reggie (Wayne). Mostly, you love this.”  Then, Irsay flicks up his right hand again.

Now, obviously this was a dig at Peyton, and it was universally received as such.  John Fox, coach of the Broncos, called it “disappointing and inappropriate” and Todd Helton, yes the baseball player, called Irsay classless and an idiot.  This prompted Irsay to go to Twitter to set the record straight (note: the record has never been set straight via Twitter).

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My comments meant if we gave Peyton better SP Teams n Def,we would have won more than 1 Sup/Bowl,instead of asking Peyton 2do too much

— Jim Irsay (@JimIrsay) October 16, 2013

Yeah, that totally makes sense.  If that’s the case, why didn’t you say that?  We’d have more respect for Irsay if he stood by his comments.  Instead, he blames “the media” for twisting his words and (very logically) adding meaning to what he says.

As luck would have it (pun intended), the Colts won on Sunday night.  This win alone speaks volumes, and should give Irsay all the satisfaction he needs.  However, like every mega-ego maniac, Irsay wasn’t satisfied with letting the win do the talking.  Back to Twitter!   

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What a Night! Great Video Tribute for #18,as our Fans cheered! Great Win as my Team gave me the VICTORIOUS Game Ball! SWEET! I was Humbled!

— Jim Irsay (@JimIrsay) October 21, 2013

Ok, nice job trying to (re)build the Manning bridge (and good job recognizing that your fanbase still views him as a demi-god and would pick him over you any day).  Then, things took a quick turn to crazy.

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I do pray for you unhappy,shit-slingers…who wants to live on a planet with those who don’t like themselves..we want happy,kind people:)

— Jim Irsay (@JimIrsay) October 21, 2013

Then, perhaps addressing (legitimate) questions like “hey man, it’s 3:00 in the morning and you’re dropping shit-slingers on Twitter…you hammered?” Irsay clarified his state of mind: 

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Actually working,sorry naysayers..I don’t drink…haven’t in over 15 years..I know when your unhappy or jealous it’s easy to b mean-spirited

— Jim Irsay (@JimIrsay) October 21, 2013

 

And why haven’t you thrown one back in over 15 years, Jim?  Oh yeah, that’s why. 

Blue hair and glazed eyes definitely not alcohol induced.

Ok Jim, The Machine’s going to level with you:  stop being a fame whore owner.  You’ve done a good job building, and now rebuilding, the Colts.  Let that serve as your body of work.  Trashing former players, folding like a two dollar hooker when called out, and otherwise acting like a douche is not the way to go.  Your eccentricities will eventually wear everyone down and turn them against you (see Davis, Al). 

Nothing says “average joe” like posing in front of a dozen custom-made guitars and a Super Bowl trophy.

And stop trying to be a man of the people.  You’re not one of us, buddy, and you’re not a Mark Cuban-like success story.  You’re the owner of the Colts because your daddy was the owner of the Colts.  Shit, the only things my dad gave me were bad knees and a receding hairline.

And stop tweeting so much, unless you want to RT this article.  That’s cool.

Enjoy your Teabag.