There were a lot of things to be thankful for over the past week: an endless supply of stuffing, pie, and football. Who cares if you have to spend it with family members (that’s what alcohol is for), you’re still coming out on top! Even though the week was filled with thanks, there were still a healthy supply of teabags to go around. Receiving HMTs (honorable mention teabags) this week (the first ever) are:
- Ndamukung Suh for his junk kick to Matt Schaub. The Machine saw it live and watched the replay over and over and there’s only one conclusion: Of course it was intentional. The Machine loves a good villain, but Suh is a straight up douche-star. That the NFL didn’t suspend him is truly amazing.
- Jim Schwartz for throwing the challenge flag on a scoring play, thus nullifying the automatic review. If you’ve ever yelled at a player for committing a dumb penalty (like say, when your defense holds on third down only for the lineman that made the tackle to head-butt the opponent) now you know why: emotions run high, and football players are not really smart people. Well, add coaches to that list too. You know the rule Jim. Sure, the rule’s asinine, but it’s still the rule. You’re the coach…you’re supposed to be in control of your emotions, but I guess we can’t expect much from the guy involved in Handshake Gate. Note to self, do not go hunting with Jim Schwartz (“hey Jim, did you hear that sound over there?” [BAM, BAM, BAM…walking over to bushes] “nope not a deer…just another hunter. Umm, let’s go.”)
While both Suh and Coach Schwartz are worthy choices, this weeks’ Tuesday Teabag goes to none other than Fireman Ed, the iconic Jets fan who leads the stadium in the very tough cheer that involves spelling the word Jets AND saying it three times (you try doing that without a spotter).
Anyway, Fireman Ed has decided to retire. That’s right, the team’s number 1 fan has quit on them. After the Thanksgiving massacre to the Patriots, Fireman Ed deleted his twitter account (note: anyone over the age of 50 should not have a twitter account) and announced to the world he’s done. It’s understandable to want to quit on the Jets…it’s apparent the players have already done so. But what’s interesting is the reason behind him hanging up the Most. Annoying. Cheer. Ever.
Fireman Ed didn’t retire because he’s upset with the team, disgusted over the product the Jets put out while charging their fans ridiculous amounts of money (how do you like ‘dem PSL fees?). Nope, Fireman Ed quit because other Jets fans are assholes. “The stadium has become divided because of the quarterback controversy,” bemoans Fireman Ed. “The fact that I chose to wear a Mark Sanchez jersey this year, and that fans think I am on the payroll — which is an outright lie — have made these confrontations more frequent. Whether it’s in the stands, the bathroom or the parking lot, these confrontations are happening on a consistent basis.”
This ranks right up there with Tebow and foot-gate on the Jets freakshow meter. How bad are things for the Jets? Their own fans are turning on each other. You can’t really get more toxic than that.
But come on, Fireman Ed, don’t be such a pussy! Man up. Did you ever come upon a burning building and say “hey guys, that fire’s a little too hot, I’m gonna sit this one out.” Of course not. You wanted to be the center of attention and the leader of a bunch of drunk (and apparently spelling-challenged) Long Islanders. With great power comes great responsibility.
What’s even worse, he’s still going to show up to the games, just not as Fireman Ed. You think the fans won’t bust your balls for that? Also, it’s going to lead to some awkward TV shots of a despondent plain clothes Ed, sans fireman helmet and dignity.
What are the Jets going to do now (besides implode and further rot away their fanbase)? Who’s going to lead their fans? The Machine votes for drunk Joe Namath…now that guy knows how to party, right Suzy?
Anyway, here’s to you Fireman Ed. A Tuesday Teabag to add to your collection of worthless acknowledgments you’ve received over the years. Also, The Machine’s calling total bullshit on you. Guaranteed that you’ll pull a Favre and come out of retirement by next season.