Tuesday Teabag, September 16, 2014 – Derek Jeter

I'm so pretty.  Worship me.

I’m so pretty. Worship me.

There certainly are a lot of teabags to dole out.  From Ray Rice, to Roger Goodell (does anyone really believe the NFL didn’t have that video?) to Adrian Peterson.  But domestic violence and child abuse are a bit much for us.  Our comfort zone consists primarily of making fun of Tony Romo, cat gifs, and Kate Upton nip slips.

Cat gif 1

Cat gif 2

So instead, we’ll focus on something that’s been bothering us all year.  And now we’ve finally had enough.

Derek Sanderson Jeter.  You may have heard that he’s retiring this year.  And by “may have heard”, I mean it’s a constant parade of immortalization.  Puh-lease.  Look, we get it.  He’s a great player and certainly deserves recognition for his contribution to the game.  We’re ok with the Yankees having Derek Jeter Day, Derek Jeter Week, or Derek Jeter Month.  But for Christ sake, enough already.  It’s absurd that opposing teams are honoring Jeter.  In fact, here are some of the gifts he’s received from other teams (full list is here):

Surf's up, brah.

Surf’s up, brah.

You'll be shot on site if you actually wear these in Texas.

You’ll be shot on site if you actually wear these in Texas.



This looks comfy.

This looks comfy.

We’re hoping some team gives him a storage unit to put all this useless shit in.  Seriously, a fucking bat bench???  He can relax in that after paddle boarding in his cowboy boots.  Why are these teams complicit in the Jeter rub-and-tug fest?  We’re guessing it has something to do with ticket sales.  How else are you going to sell out an Indians game unless you promote it as Jeter’s last game in Cleveland?

More to the point, we’re annoyed that Jeter has somehow turned into the greatest baseball players of all-time.  In order to receive the city-by-city award show, you better be the Michael-fucking-Jordan of your sport.  And sorry Yankee fans, but he’s not.  He’s not even close when considering all players…coming in 33rd on ESPN’s Top 100 players of all time.  Shit, he’s not even the best player on his team…A-Rod’s 19th.  He’s a little better when considering just shortstops, but still not the greatest.  Take a look:

Jeter Stats

Jeter leads all shortstops in hits, runs, and strikeouts, and he’s anywhere from 3rd to 46th in other categories.  Sorry, but that doesn’t get you the ego-stroking, masturbatory nationwide celebration.  His stats (and World Series victories) will get him into the Hall of Fame and Yankee Monument Park no doubt, but he’s not the greatest shortstop of all-time.

But Ginger King, you say, you were totally cool with the over-the-top celebrations for Mariano Rivera last year…why the change of heart, Mr. Grinch?  It’s true:  our heart gets smaller every year (the 12 pack…err…7 pack of Coors Light Mrs. Machine received for Christmas is proof) but that’s not why.  The reason The Machine has no problem with the Mariano Rivera world tour is simple:  who’s the greatest closer of all-time?  Answer:  Mariano Rivera.  Bar none.  You cannot say the same thing about Derek Jeter.

Proof positive of that is that the Captain –statistically speaking—is having one of the worst seasons in his career.  He’s at career lows in several categories, including runs, hits, RBI, and stolen bases.  Not exactly what you want for a guy hitting second in the lineup.  And the kicker is that the Yankees are still in the playoff hunt.  They’re only 5 games out of the wildcard with 2 weeks left to play.  Normally, when your star player is in a career slump, the manager will move them down in the lineup, to put the team in the best position to win and to (hopefully) get him out of the slump.  Seems like a no-brainer…but not Jeter, because, as noted by the Daily News, moving him in the lineup “could embarrass the star.”  Jeter should take it upon himself to tell Girardi to move him down.  That’s what real Captains do.  They put the team ahead of themselves.  But then the Jeter star wouldn’t shine so bright.

But please, let’s not feel sorry for Derek.  He’s going from playing baseball, being a multi-millionaire and banging supermodels…to being a multi-millionaire and banging supermodels.  Oh yeah, and living in this house.

Yeah, retirement's going to suck.

Yeah, retirement’s going to suck.

Forgive me if I don’t get all choked up.

Enjoy your teabag.

12 thoughts on “Tuesday Teabag, September 16, 2014 – Derek Jeter

    • Now now Wayne, relax. You’ll have your chance to buy Victor Martinez once the season’s over. Enjoy the postseason.

  1. (…..voice of reason steps in)

    Seriously? I’m sure that he called ahead and told these other ballparks to honor him. He’s getting called out onto the carpet, literally, and he’s doing it as gracefully as possible. Yeah, let’s bag on Jeter because he really needed another set of cowboy boots or a paddle board. (I’m sure he has plenty…… um, yeah, probably not.) $20 of my hard earned cash says most of that shit ends up at auction with the money going to Turn 2. Looks like Toronto actually got something right for once….. 10K and a 12 pack of Blue….. Yup, good enough.

    Is Jeter the GOAT? Maybe not, statistically. Is he the Greatest of OUR time? Most certainly. Is A-Rod a better player? Really? Do we go there ……? Is he even on the team anymore. . . . ?

    In a sport that’s life-blood is in the statistics, and whose stat books are more recently marred with a plethora of asterix’s (asterix? asterii?), Jeter’s legacy is in the lack of. He’s being celebrated for who he is, and who he was in the time period that he played ball. The ball player that you saw on the field and not on the front page. The Captain in the locker room and not in the tabloids.

    Embrace it for what it is. Besides, it’s all your shitty teams that are responsible. Blame in on those money-grubbing whores.

  2. Greatest player of our time??? Miguel Cabrera, meet Plato. Plato, meet Miguel Cabrera. Plus, you’re not that young to exclude Cal Ripkin, Jr., Ricky Henderson, and Barry Bonds (asterisk or not) from our time. I know how old you are. 🙂

    I’m not saying the man shouldn’t be honored…just that a multi-city tour of appreciation is a bit much. I’m also kind of weirded out by opposing teams honoring a competitor (clearly, it’s a cash grab). Have your day/week/month at Yankee stadium and be done with it. Christ, the Red Sox are going to do something for him next week. That just doesn’t compute with me. It makes a little more sense with a guy like Mo (the undisputed GOAT), but here it just seems forced.

    Also, Mo didn’t distract from the team winning…he had 44 saves last year (third best all time for him). He was still dominant…Jeter, not so much. Being the Captain, he should take it upon himself to drop in the lineup for the chance at the playoff push.

    • Cabrera? Hahahaha. Thanks for my morning laugh. Just a matter of time before they find out he’s juicing up….

      I’m just saying, it’s not all about the stats. The only one I can’t disagree with is Ripken.

      As far as the lineup change, if Joe doesn’t have the balls to move him then it’s on him. It’s not Jeter’s responsibility to move himself in the lineup. It’s the sole responsibility of the manager. They Yankees aren’t 14.5 games behind in the Division because Jeter can’t connect.

      • Miggy on the juice? Have you seen him…I’m a big fan, but let’s just say he doesn’t have a body by HGH. Compare him to other juicers like A-Rod, Bonds, and McGwire, and there’s a clear difference.

        I get that (in the post-steroid era) there’s a rush to judge every player that does well but come on. The man is the first to win the the triple crown in 45 years so he must be on steroids? He’s never been mentioned in any discussions about doping.

        Don’t devalue Miggy’s greatness (and artificially inflate Jeter’s) by wild claims of steroids. That’s as crazy as saying Jeter’s longevity must be because he’s on the juice.

        Oh, and head to head World Series matchups…Miggy leads Jeter 1-0. Just saying…

        • Miggy? Seriously, you need some help.

          You have good points. He’s not making the Body issue of SI anytime soon. His streaky hitting implies that he isn’t on something all of the time.

          Does “Miggy” have this many ?


          Only one thing left to say……


          Why you mad, bro?!

          HA HA!

  3. Like most things, Ginger King missed the mark with this teabag. I will take away his Coors Light and send him to bed without any Ginger snaps. And yes for everyone interested, the carpet matches the curtains in the Kings case.
    Mrs. Ginger King (The better half)

  4. You Dick, Jeter Did it “MY WAY” just watch the latest Gatorade ad. I just want to hug that man. Not Jeter, but the guy who created Gatorade. Sing along now “I want to be, I want to be, I want to be like Mike.” That was a great ad…

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