Now that football’s back in full swing, it’s really hard to find a non-football related teabag. There are a lot of stupid people in the NFL. Don’t get us wrong: if The Machine had unlimited amounts of money, power, and fame, we’d do a ton of stupid shit (our life would be somewhere between Jackass and Billy Madison). Until then, we’re always on the lookout for the biggest and baddest teabags, and while we scour all sports-related issues, we really need go no further than the NFL.
This week, there were several NFL Teabags to go around. Honorable Mention Teabags (“HMTs”) go to Von Miller for trying to circumvent the NFL drug testing policy by submitting someone else’s urine. One small problem: the specimen was submitted from a different City then where Von was…sort of dead giveaway it’s not your pee. Come on Von, just order one of these. Also, Aldon Smith of the Niners gets a shout out for his (second) DUI arrest, this on the heels of getting stabbed at his own party and (allegedly) shooting someone at his own party (separate parties, btw). But Jacoby Jones has them all beat…he may have helped the Ravens win the Super Bowl last year, but he’ll now be remembered for something totally different.
Now, who hasn’t gotten hit over the head with a champagne bottle by a stripper? Am I right, fellas? That’s what happened over the weekend to Jacoby Jones, (now) The Machine’s favorite NFL player. Jacoby was at Bryant McKinnie’s b-day party (yes, that Bryant McKinnie, a/k/a The Machine’s second favorite NFL player) on a limo bus full of strippers, when he was hit in the head with a bottle of champagne by a stripper named Sweet Pea. There are so many incredible parts to this story, I don’t know where to begin. Let’s break it down.
1. Mobile Strip Club
You know the most annoying part of going to a strip club is being surrounded by meatheads and drunk 40-something divorcees. Plus, you have to drive there (gross). Not anymore. Now, you can actually motorboat on the highway, and get twerked at a rest stop. Fucking genius.
2. Bryant McKinnie was involved
The Machine knows two things about Bryant McKinnie: he plays football and he LOVES strippers. Bryant was the Captain of the infamous “Loveboat” as a member of the Vikings back in 2005, and you can tell he’s learned a lot from that incident. The stories from that little shin dig are epic. But Bryant learned his lesson, and that lesson was:
NFL players + strippers + boat = trouble,
NFL players + strippers + bus = enjoyable Sunday evening. (Note: guaranteed this equation was on Bryant’s Intro to Math final at The U).
Forget Hard Knocks. The Machine wants McKinnie Cam! We’d pay top dollar to get an inside look at this dude’s life.
3. A Stripper Named Sweet Pea
Prior to this weekend, there were three categories of stripper names: spices, jewels, and cars. The Machine fondly remembers helping Cinnamon, Sapphire, and Mercedes save for dental school. But now, The Machine has another category: flowers. Flowers are no longer just things your grandma plants or you pee on in the backyard at night. They’ve been elevated to stripper status. [cue sleezy stripper DJ Voice]: “Alright, alright, gentlemen, we got 2 for 1 well drinks goin’ on all night, but right now, put your hands together for Sweet Pea and Rhododendron!”
4. Ace of Spades
What really completes this story is Jacoby getting beaned upside the head with a bottle of champagne. And not just any bottle of champagne…we’re talking about the Ace of Spades, which (if you’re not familiar) comes in a big ass bottle. Lord knows where that bottle was prior to it being used as a baseball bat.
This is a plea to all public address announcers at NFL stadiums: Please, please please, when Jacoby is being introduced, or makes a catch. Shit, whenever you see him on the sidelines, play this song:
It doesn’t matter if Jacoby wins another Super Bowl or cures cancer, he’s always going to be that guy who got lit up by a stripper. You’d like to think there’s a lesson to be learned from this, but we’re guessing it’s serve champagne in plastic bottles. The Machine has definitely learned something: we’re inviting Bryant McKinnie to everything, including our kids’ birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries, and of course The Draft Party.
Enjoy your teabag.