![\"Zoinks](\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/bigredsportsmachine.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/07\/Johnny-Manziel.jpg?ssl=1\")
<\/a>Zoinks\u00a0Scoob, like that Heisman sure pays dividends!<\/p><\/div>\n
Johnny Manziel<\/span><\/b><\/p>\n Johnny, as you all know, took the college football world by storm last year, and became the first freshmen to ever win the Heisman Trophy.\u00a0 He fits the new mold of an NFL QB\u2026a young, hip gunslinger that can run and throw (think Colin Kaepernick but even more immature).\u00a0 He\u2019s a read\/option dream (it\u2019s still a fad, folks) and he\u2019s almost certain to be a top (if not the top) pick in the 2014 Draft.\u00a0 That is, if he stops his Gronk-like offseason.<\/p>\n Recently, Johnny was a camp counselor at the Manning Passing Academy and was sent home for missing meetings and generally being a complete douche.\u00a0 Multiple reports<\/a>\u00a0(and twitter pics) show Johnny out partying, and the reasonable conclusion is that he was hung over (he claims he overslept because his phone was dead).\u00a0 Reports also had him on Bourbon Street at 4:00 am (about an hour from where the Manning Passing Academy was being held), lying to his parents, and having his daddy explain that his tummy-wummy hurt.\u00a0 Whether it was dehydration or a bender, it doesn\u2019t look good.\u00a0 And this just adds to his offseason of drama.\u00a0<\/p>\n Look, The Machine doesn\u2019t care that he was getting after it at a bar or macking\u00a0on some co-eds\u2026if we were the most popular college student in America, you can bet your ass we\u2019d be taking full advantage of that.\u00a0 Johnny just needs to learn when to do it and (more importantly) when not to do it.\u00a0 The Mannings are known for a lot of things (#winning, #18-1) but here\u2019s what they\u2019re not known for:\u00a0 a good time.\u00a0 The Machine\u2019s pretty sure Eli\u2019s never seen midnight.\u00a0 You don\u2019t go to the Manning Passing Academy to have a good time\u2026unless your definition of a good time includes watching film, camp fire stories with Archie, and sing-a-longs with Peyton and Cooper.<\/p>\n This is just one of many questionable moves that Johnny has made this offseason, leaving many to affix the hot button term \u201ccharacter issues\u201d next to his name.\u00a0 This is Sophomore Slump written all over it.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n My contract’s still this big, suckers!<\/p><\/div>\n Ryan Braun<\/span><\/b><\/p>\n Ryan Braun was recently suspended for the rest of the season for taking PEDs and the first player officially suspended in the Biogenesis scandal.\u00a0 He\u2019s also the most popular athlete suspended thus far (A-Rod, you\u2019re on deck).\u00a0<\/p>\n Now, that fact that he used PEDs\u00a0isn\u2019t that surprising.\u00a0 If every juicer was worthy of a teabag, we\u2019d have nothing else to write about.\u00a0 Kind of like giving a teabag to every NFL player that gets arrested.\u00a0 But Ryan deserves it for his actions during this whole scandal.<\/p>\n Back in 2011, Braun won the NL MVP Award, and also won himself a little contract extension, to the tune of $113 million (that\u2019s a lot of brauts and beers, actually, it\u2019s probably enough to buy Milwaukee).\u00a0 Anyway, after his MVP setting 2011 season (and after signing his mega-contract) Braun tests positive for synthetic testosterone.\u00a0 However, an arbitrator overturned his 50 game suspension based on procedural errors.\u00a0 He (read: his lawyers) were able to successfully argue that the proper chain of custody protocols were not followed, as the Collector did not promptly submit his sample for testing.<\/p>\n Look, there\u2019s nothing wrong with getting something bounced on procedural errors (The Machine takes great pride in getting a speeding ticket dismissed when the officer wrote the wrong license plate number down).\u00a0 But it was Ryan\u2019s actions and words that went over the line.<\/p>\n Instead of just breathing a huge sigh of relief and counting your lucky procedural stars, Ryan engaged in this bizarre PR campaign to proclaim his innocence.\u00a0 Standing in front of a throng of reporters in February, 2012, Braun said \u201cI truly believe in my heart and I would bet my life that this substance never entered my body at any point.\u201d\u00a0 His brazenness didn\u2019t end there, as he threw MLB and the Collector under the bus, claiming he was a victim of a flawed system.\u00a0 \u201cThere are a lot of things we\u2019ve heard about the collection process, the collector and some other people involved in the process that have certainly been concerning to us.\u201d<\/p>\n He again went on the offensive during training camp, saying<\/p>\n \u201cI have always taken tremendous pride in my image and my reputation in being a role model and handling myself the right way and doing things the right way. \u00a0And all of that has been called into question by this situation. \u00a0When you know you\u2019re innocent of something, it\u2019s extremely difficult to have to prove it when you\u2019re in a process where you\u2019re 100% guilty until proven innocent.\u201d<\/p>\n He protested he was innocent so much that some people actually believed him.\u00a0 Aaron Rodgers bet his salary<\/a>\u00a0on it.\u00a0 However, anyone with a reasonable level of intelligence knew that Braun was guilty as sin, and got off on a technicality.\u00a0 And while his Innocence Project may have worked on some, it didn\u2019t work on MLB.\u00a0 Who knows, it\u2019s possible that Bud was so pissed of Braun flaunting the system and rubbing it in by constantly proclaiming his innocence, that he made it his mission to bring him down.\u00a0 It certainly seemed like the league had a huge hard on for him.<\/p>\n So now that Braun\u2019s been exposed as a fraud and a cheat, and suspended for the rest of the season (completely screwing my fantasy team, btw) the media is happy that he gets what he deserves.\u00a0 Mike Lupica<\/a> notes that it\u2019s about time that Braun is going to do some time.\u00a0 But what the media doesn\u2019t answer, or refuses to address, is whether Braun\u2019s really suffering at all.<\/p>\n Sure, his reputation his taken a big hit, and he\u2019ll have to work extra hard to regain the public\u2019s trust (however, we people are fickle, and love a comeback story).\u00a0 Sure, he\u2019s suspended for the rest of the season and will lose around $3.4 million in salary.\u00a0 But let\u2019s look at some other facts:<\/p>\n One, the Brewers are awful this year (41-58, 20 games out of first) and are going nowhere this season, with or without Braun.\u00a0 Suspending him for the rest of the season when the season\u2019s already over for his team isn\u2019t really a punishment.\u00a0 It\u2019s a vacation.<\/p>\n Two, and perhaps more importantly, the Brewers still owe him $113 million.\u00a0 The Machine\u2019s no math-magician, but we know enough that 113 is more than 3.4.\u00a0 Would you spend $3.4 million if you knew you were guaranteed $113 million?\u00a0 It\u2019s a no brainer.\u00a0<\/p>\n No wonder these guys are juicing.\u00a0 You get big to get the big (guaranteed) contract, and then if you get caught, so what.\u00a0 The money is still there.\u00a0 The current punishment system for using PEDs is not enough of a deterrent.<\/p>\n An interesting twist is that players are now speaking out against tougher penalties.\u00a0 Matt Kemp<\/a> argues that Braun should be stripped of his MVP award.\u00a0 Note: that\u2019s somewhat self-serving, seeing as how Kemp finished 2nd<\/sup> in the MVP race.\u00a0 Max Scherzer<\/a>, however, steps it up to a whole other level and argues that Braun\u2019s contract should be voided.\u00a0 Max astutely points out that players still benefit financially by taking PEDs, and until you strip that incentive, you\u2019ll never rid the game of PEDs.<\/p>\n Both Matt and Max are absolutely right:\u00a0 any awards while juicing (except a teabag) should be automatically forfeited, and teams should have the right to void their contract.\u00a0 That\u2019s the only way to get the player\u2019s attention.<\/p>\n As for Braun, it\u2019s not over for him.\u00a0 He\u2019s still young (29) and has plenty of time to rehabilitate his image.\u00a0 He\u2019s a Jeremy Schapp\u00a0interview away from getting back in our good graces.\u00a0 But here\u2019s some advice:\u00a0 go into hibernation.\u00a0 Wait until after the World Series is over before you embark on the Innocence Project, Part II and re-virginize yourself.\u00a0 Take solace in the fact that if you lead the Brewers to the playoffs next year, most will be forgotten.\u00a0 That, and the boat load of cash that\u2019s still coming your way.<\/p>\n Enjoy your teabag.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" We\u2019re back with another week of teabags.\u00a0 This week\u2019s been so good, The Machine\u2019s giving you a double dose of teabags:\u00a0 Johnny Football, who is on track to be dating a porn star before the season starts, and Ryan Braun, … Continue reading <\/a>